I'm out of town, enjoying granola from cooperative food markets, organically grown local vegetables, riding electric buses, and avoiding unwashed hippies who smell like patchouli oil. So I asked my friend to write a post. His name is Maine Character. You all know him as the most excellent dude in the blogoshpere. He leaves the best comments.
I asked him to write something thoughtful and profound. Take it away Clyde (his name has been changed to protect me from myself):
Whoever your favorite author is, there’s a good chance they have a blog, which means you can write to them directly any time you like. For aspiring writers like us, this is pure heaven on a stick. But in such a crowd of admirers, how can you stand out?
Here’s six surefire methods to spice up your comments so that your favorite authors will not only notice you, but give you the attention you deserve.
1) The first time you comment, jump right in and act like you’ve known the author for ages. Even better, give them a nickname, like “Sperkie.”
2) For your avatar, use a photo of the author’s dog. This way, whenever they see your comments, they will positively glow with love and want to give you treats.
3) Don’t hold back – brevity may be the soul of wit, but word count is the soul of comments. The author has given you plenty of space to post your thoughts, so unload all you like. In fact, go for multiple posts an hour, and watch their comment numbers reach new heights.
4) If someone else posts a comment and gets a laugh from the author, you must take them down. Ridicule their avatar. Go to their blog and mock their vacation photos. Authors love being fought over.
5) If they don’t reply to a question you asked, ask it again. And again. As in all writing endeavors, persistence pays. So do CAPITAL LETTERS.
6) Sooner or later – and it will happen – the author will send you your own private e-mail. Congratulations! You are now friends with a famous author! Writing buddies! Don’t be dismayed if they aren’t polite about it. In fact, the author may cloak their appreciation in words like “cease” and “desist.”
But don’t let that fool you – they're just testing your dedication. Every author has to go through multiple rejections before acceptance, and becoming BFF with your favorite author is totally worth all the extra effort.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Helene Dunbar's Current Query Critiqued
Helene and her query are back again today. I'm sure everybody is used to this by now, but just in case we get some new readers, here's how it works: Helene's query will be in regular, black text, my thoughts, feedback, and stupid jokes will be in red text. Then I would love it if you readers could offer some of your own thoughts in the comments, feeling free to disagree with me, because we all know how subjective all this is.
So let's get to work.
Dear [AGENT]:
Now let's nit-pick it as much as we can, only because there is always room for improvement.
They say your life can change in a heartbeat, but sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan knows it takes longer than .857 of a second for a car to spin towards yours and kill one of your best friends. He knows that it takes longer than that for your damaged heart to be replaced with someone else’s. And he knows that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
Now I want to talk about exactly what we're trying to get across here. Where does .857 seconds come from? Is that the length of an average heartbeat? It sounds like it might be, and I like the whole comparison of time, and how the measurement of a heartbeat ties into Cal getting a heart transplant, but I want to look at the execution.
First of all it's written wrong here. Think about how you would say this out loud. "... longer than point eight five seven of a second ..." That doesn't make sense. Neither would "...eight hundred and fifty seven thousandths of a second..." Actually, that would make some sense, but I think what you mean here is .857 seconds. The seconds need to be plural because although technically this is less than one second, mathematically we're actually talking about a plural idea.
I don't know. That's not great either, but I think you get my drift. The last thing about the opening is that I would love to get a better sense of who Cal was before the accident. Was he the caring nerd? The apathetic musician? Something else?
Cal thinks he does a lot of thinking and knowing, is he wrong? he’s lost everything: his friend, Lizzie; a promising future as a baseball player; and any chance he had with Ally Martin, the girl he’s had a crush on for two years. But when he learns that his donated heart was Lizzie’s and starts hearing her voice, sharing her dreams, and feeling her desire for their mutual friend Spencer, Cal fears he’s losing the only thing he has left – his mind. I would avoid em-dashes in queries, because they never end up formatted properly. And two dashes in a row looks like shit. You could probably just use a colon here.
As Cal is forced to examine the things he’s always taken for granted, he discovers that friendship can overcome many obstacles and that, sometimes, what you were looking for was inside you all along.
This is a tiny bit vague, but I think it works. This last line is especially great, with the implied double meaning. Love it.
GHOST LIGHT is a complete young adult novel at 64,000 words.
You don't need to say complete. Unless you're pitching a non-fiction project, your novel better be complete, even though it really isn't, until the editor says it is.
A member of SCBWI, I am a marketing manager/editor for a nonprofit organization, as well as a freelance music journalist for Irish Music Magazine (Dublin, Ireland). I have extensive non-fiction writing credits which include the 2006 biographies for “Celtic Women” (EMI/Manhattan) and articles in multiple encyclopedia series for Thompson Gale Research (Cengage Learning) including “Exploring Law & Society” and “Great American Court Cases”.
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.
So basically I really like this query. The middle is especially good. It's short, sweet (not really), and to the point. I think if you re-work the beginning, give us a better sense of what kind of person Cal is, and make the hook and the accident more active, more powerful, you'll be well on your way to The Garden of Good Queries.
Sincerely,
Helene Dunbar
What do you all think? Am I crazy? Can anyone suggest a better rewrite of Helene's opening paragraph (it wouldn't be hard to top mine)?
So let's get to work.
Dear [AGENT]:
Before I get started I just want to point out that this premise sounds incredibly compelling to me. I think if Helene submitted using this existing query, she would probably have some success. We can polish the query, but it's already pretty good, and the strength of the idea behind this story already comes through.
Now let's nit-pick it as much as we can, only because there is always room for improvement.
They say your life can change in a heartbeat, but sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan knows it takes longer than .857 of a second for a car to spin towards yours and kill one of your best friends. He knows that it takes longer than that for your damaged heart to be replaced with someone else’s. And he knows that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
Okay. So this opening hook breaks the rules a little bit, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm not sure the "they say" is the best way to grab an agent's (assistant's) attention. It's not a rhetorical question, which is good, but you don't want to place questions in your readers head that they may not have an answer to. Here the question would be "who says?"
Now I want to talk about exactly what we're trying to get across here. Where does .857 seconds come from? Is that the length of an average heartbeat? It sounds like it might be, and I like the whole comparison of time, and how the measurement of a heartbeat ties into Cal getting a heart transplant, but I want to look at the execution.
First of all it's written wrong here. Think about how you would say this out loud. "... longer than point eight five seven of a second ..." That doesn't make sense. Neither would "...eight hundred and fifty seven thousandths of a second..." Actually, that would make some sense, but I think what you mean here is .857 seconds. The seconds need to be plural because although technically this is less than one second, mathematically we're actually talking about a plural idea.
My second problem is that it all feels kind of passive. I mean yeah, Cal knows all these things, so it is him actively acting on the subject in these sentences, but it still comes across with less punch than it could, I think. What if you said something like: "It doesn't take much longer than a single heartbeat for the blur of a car to spin into sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan's Jeep, killing his best friend, and changing his life in just over .857 seconds. It takes far longer than that for the surgeons to transplant his injured heart, and he dreads that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
I don't know. That's not great either, but I think you get my drift. The last thing about the opening is that I would love to get a better sense of who Cal was before the accident. Was he the caring nerd? The apathetic musician? Something else?
Cal thinks he does a lot of thinking and knowing, is he wrong? he’s lost everything: his friend, Lizzie; a promising future as a baseball player; and any chance he had with Ally Martin, the girl he’s had a crush on for two years. But when he learns that his donated heart was Lizzie’s and starts hearing her voice, sharing her dreams, and feeling her desire for their mutual friend Spencer, Cal fears he’s losing the only thing he has left – his mind. I would avoid em-dashes in queries, because they never end up formatted properly. And two dashes in a row looks like shit. You could probably just use a colon here.
This is it right here. This is actually very good querying. You've got a great set-up for conflict, an excellent sense of what the character is going to be going through, and a pretty good hint at what kind of choices he's going to have to make, all in a few nice, succinct sentences.
As Cal is forced to examine the things he’s always taken for granted, he discovers that friendship can overcome many obstacles and that, sometimes, what you were looking for was inside you all along.
This is a tiny bit vague, but I think it works. This last line is especially great, with the implied double meaning. Love it.
GHOST LIGHT is a complete young adult novel at 64,000 words.
You don't need to say complete. Unless you're pitching a non-fiction project, your novel better be complete, even though it really isn't, until the editor says it is.
A member of SCBWI, I am a marketing manager/editor for a nonprofit organization, as well as a freelance music journalist for Irish Music Magazine (Dublin, Ireland). I have extensive non-fiction writing credits which include the 2006 biographies for “Celtic Women” (EMI/Manhattan) and articles in multiple encyclopedia series for Thompson Gale Research (Cengage Learning) including “Exploring Law & Society” and “Great American Court Cases”.
This is great. I can't see anything to change in these credits.
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.
So basically I really like this query. The middle is especially good. It's short, sweet (not really), and to the point. I think if you re-work the beginning, give us a better sense of what kind of person Cal is, and make the hook and the accident more active, more powerful, you'll be well on your way to The Garden of Good Queries.
Sincerely,
Helene Dunbar
What do you all think? Am I crazy? Can anyone suggest a better rewrite of Helene's opening paragraph (it wouldn't be hard to top mine)?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Helene Dunbar's Current Query
Here's another query for you all. This time you don't have to go follow Helene's blog, because she doesn't have one.
But you do still have to save your feedback for tomorrow. Thank you.
The query:
Dear [AGENT]:
They say your life can change in a heartbeat, but sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan knows it takes longer than .857 of a second for a car to spin towards yours and kill one of your best friends. He knows that it takes longer than that for your damaged heart to be replaced with someone else’s. And he knows that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
Cal thinks he’s lost everything: his friend, Lizzie; a promising future as a baseball player; and any chance he had with Ally Martin, the girl he’s had a crush on for two years. But when he learns that his donated heart was Lizzie’s and starts hearing her voice, sharing her dreams, and feeling her desire for their mutual friend Spencer, Cal fears he’s losing the only thing he has left – his mind.
As Cal is forced to examine the things he’s always taken for granted, he discovers that friendship can overcome many obstacles and that, sometimes, what you were looking for was inside you all along.
GHOST LIGHT is a complete young adult novel at 64,000 words.
A member of SCBWI, I am a marketing manager/editor for a nonprofit organization, as well as a freelance music journalist for Irish Music Magazine (Dublin, Ireland). I have extensive non-fiction writing credits which include the 2006 biographies for “Celtic Women” (EMI/Manhattan) and articles in multiple encyclopedia series for Thompson Gale Research (Cengage Learning) including “Exploring Law & Society” and “Great American Court Cases”.
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Helene Dunbar
So that's it. Say hello to Helene, and get ready to come back tomorrow.
UPDATE: Helene can be found on Twitter, if you'd like to harass her there.
But you do still have to save your feedback for tomorrow. Thank you.
The query:
Dear [AGENT]:
They say your life can change in a heartbeat, but sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan knows it takes longer than .857 of a second for a car to spin towards yours and kill one of your best friends. He knows that it takes longer than that for your damaged heart to be replaced with someone else’s. And he knows that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
Cal thinks he’s lost everything: his friend, Lizzie; a promising future as a baseball player; and any chance he had with Ally Martin, the girl he’s had a crush on for two years. But when he learns that his donated heart was Lizzie’s and starts hearing her voice, sharing her dreams, and feeling her desire for their mutual friend Spencer, Cal fears he’s losing the only thing he has left – his mind.
As Cal is forced to examine the things he’s always taken for granted, he discovers that friendship can overcome many obstacles and that, sometimes, what you were looking for was inside you all along.
GHOST LIGHT is a complete young adult novel at 64,000 words.
A member of SCBWI, I am a marketing manager/editor for a nonprofit organization, as well as a freelance music journalist for Irish Music Magazine (Dublin, Ireland). I have extensive non-fiction writing credits which include the 2006 biographies for “Celtic Women” (EMI/Manhattan) and articles in multiple encyclopedia series for Thompson Gale Research (Cengage Learning) including “Exploring Law & Society” and “Great American Court Cases”.
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Helene Dunbar
So that's it. Say hello to Helene, and get ready to come back tomorrow.
UPDATE: Helene can be found on Twitter, if you'd like to harass her there.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A.B. Keuser's Current Query Critiqued
Today we have Amy's query back again, this time with my feedback. My thoughts will be in red.
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex I would like to hear a last name here. Lex is a very cool name, but I'm thinking Lex Diamond, or Lex Luther. I would like to have her even more defined as a character is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas this sounds funny, but I have no idea what (or where) this is, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed I would say it's pretty obvious, but that makes it kind of funny, so you can probably keep this. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
One last nit-picky point is that depending on how large a cloudskimmer is, I'm not sure two thugs parachuting onto one constitutes an ambush. There's probably no better way to say it though. Also, am I the only one who thinks Sun Drops sounds like the name of some really good LSD from the seventies? Awesome.
Smuggling drugs oh good, it is LSD isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced this makes them sound young. Is customs employing a lot of teenagers in this world? customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter. So, what, she carries like a .22? He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about what is she talking about, and how did they suddenly get together? and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap. This sounds pretty bad-ass. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun. Wow. That is good Acid.
I think this paragraph starts out well; you clue us into the conflict and the stakes, while doing an excellent job of organically sneaking in some more world building (which is probably the best part about this query-great world). Then I get a little lost. I suppose we can infer that she escaped the goons, and met up with her contact, and you don't need every step of the plot in a query, but this felt like too much of a leap.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops. Why? As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
This is a fun little surprise here at the end, and this isn't bad as summaries go, but I think you need to be careful about these leaps of logic. I mean we can probably figure out that the cops and the 'government' of New Shanghai are after her because she suddenly shines like a glow stick at a rave, and that reveals her as a drug user, or even smuggler, but it doesn't explain why the whole city's after her.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete redundant at 90,000-words.
All in all I think this is a damn fine query. You build this world excellently, and the plot certainly sounds exciting. I think with a little tweaking, and a better sense of character in the beginning, this could really shine. Maybe even glow like the sun.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Well there we go. What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Is there anything else you would cut? Or something that needs to be added? Please share your feedback in the comments.
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex I would like to hear a last name here. Lex is a very cool name, but I'm thinking Lex Diamond, or Lex Luther. I would like to have her even more defined as a character is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas this sounds funny, but I have no idea what (or where) this is, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed I would say it's pretty obvious, but that makes it kind of funny, so you can probably keep this. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
Okay. So this opening paragraph is pretty good. It sets up the plot very well, gives us just a bit of backstory, and certainly has an interesting hook at the end. But I would really like to know more about Lex first. We know what she does, but we don't really know who she is. Sometimes that's hard to convey, and the job she does certainly tells us something about what kind of person she is, but I'd like to know a little more.
Is she the black sheep from a high-society family, or an orphan from the slums of New New York? Also, I know this isn't YA, so her age is probably not crucial, and I get the feeling she's twentysomething, but if she's fortysomething we might need to know that.
One last nit-picky point is that depending on how large a cloudskimmer is, I'm not sure two thugs parachuting onto one constitutes an ambush. There's probably no better way to say it though. Also, am I the only one who thinks Sun Drops sounds like the name of some really good LSD from the seventies? Awesome.
Smuggling drugs oh good, it is LSD isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced this makes them sound young. Is customs employing a lot of teenagers in this world? customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter. So, what, she carries like a .22? He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about what is she talking about, and how did they suddenly get together? and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap. This sounds pretty bad-ass. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun. Wow. That is good Acid.
I think this paragraph starts out well; you clue us into the conflict and the stakes, while doing an excellent job of organically sneaking in some more world building (which is probably the best part about this query-great world). Then I get a little lost. I suppose we can infer that she escaped the goons, and met up with her contact, and you don't need every step of the plot in a query, but this felt like too much of a leap.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops. Why? As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
This is a fun little surprise here at the end, and this isn't bad as summaries go, but I think you need to be careful about these leaps of logic. I mean we can probably figure out that the cops and the 'government' of New Shanghai are after her because she suddenly shines like a glow stick at a rave, and that reveals her as a drug user, or even smuggler, but it doesn't explain why the whole city's after her.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete redundant at 90,000-words.
All in all I think this is a damn fine query. You build this world excellently, and the plot certainly sounds exciting. I think with a little tweaking, and a better sense of character in the beginning, this could really shine. Maybe even glow like the sun.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Well there we go. What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Is there anything else you would cut? Or something that needs to be added? Please share your feedback in the comments.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A.B. Keuser's Current Query
You guys remember how this works, right? First things first: go visit Amy's blog. Follow her.
Second, read her query:
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
Smuggling drugs isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter. He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops. As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete at 90,000-words.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Third, say hi to her in the comments. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, as today is only for introductions. Thanks!
Second, read her query:
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
Smuggling drugs isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter. He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops. As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete at 90,000-words.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Third, say hi to her in the comments. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, as today is only for introductions. Thanks!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Congratulations to the Japanese Women's Football Team
The sad thing about the World Cup, like the Olympics, is that it's so complete. So final. So far above and beyond any other tournament or level of competition in that sport.
Of course that's the beautiful thing about the World Cup, too.
It's just tough to think that players like Christie Rampone and Abby Wambach probably won't get another chance to hoist the trophy. It must be hard to get so close, and then have it slip through your fingers.
I thought the match started well. I applaud coach Sundhage's decision to bench Amy Rodriguez, and to start Megan Rapinoe, and it was clear, or at least it seemed to be clear, in the first half, that Japan was outmatched. We out-possessed them, we spread the field, and managed what seemed like endless opportunities. Yet we couldn't finish.
I could analyze the entire game for you, and talk about what I think went wrong, but I won't. Instead I would just like to offer a huge congratulations to the Japanese side. They played a dedicated and determined match, and the Japanese keeper, Ayumi Kaihori, should be especially proud for standing up in the face of adversity, and stopping those penalty shots.
Congratulations, Japan, now I have to go cry in the corner, and start looking forward to the Olympics.
Friday, July 15, 2011
RaShelle Workman's Current Query Critiqued
All right. Welcome back. Today we have RaShelle's query again, this time with my thoughts, in red.
Let just get right to it, shall we?
Dear _______
After reviewing your interests I thought you might enjoy reading CONNECTED: THE KELVIERI'S BOOTS. It's YA science fiction and complete at 80,000 words. It's also the first in a series of three.
However, if you are truly submitting to an agent who makes it clear they want the housekeeping up front, then you're going to need more than this. "After reviewing your interests I thought you might enjoy" does not personalization make. If you're going to go that route you need to tell which books on their list made you come to this conclusion, and why. Personally I avoid those kind of comparisons, because they can be tricky, but if you're going to go there make sure you do it right.
Also, see this post, by Nathan Bransford, about how and when to mention series potential in a query.
Venus is from the planet Kelari. She's been training her whole life to one day be Queen of her land. On her sixteenth birthday, she receives her own pair of Kelvieri's Boots, a first step toward leadership and immortality. With these boots she'll need to take a journey to the Manshum Mountains, the home of her world's deities. There, the deities will complete her transformation and someday, when her parents concede the throne, she'll rule. It's a perfect plan and Venus expects her life to go accordingly.
Okay. Before I get to the advice, I want to say that this sounds really cool. You especially have a talent for coming up with great names. I'm terrible at it, so it always impresses me.
You've also got some things missing in this opening, though. Anytime a book is YA I'm going to tell the query writer to give us the protagonist's age. It's important because although YA may seem all encompassing, it really isn't. There's upper YA, lower YA, and several other things around, behind, and in-between. The other reason is that giving the age of a young character is a huge window to give us a look into who they are.
I would also like to hear a bit more about Venus' personality before we get to what's happening to her. Is she petulant? Wise beyond her years? Dumpy and nerdy, but with a heart of gold? It doesn't take much.
You get into the plot a little too quickly here, but once you do it gets good. There are fun things going on here, high stakes, exotic places. All that makes me interested in the story, but I soon get confused. Do these boots have power, or are they just symbolic? Why is immortality part of the bargain (not that it doesn't sound cool)? What exactly will the deities do, and what will she transform into?
Problem is, nothing ever goes as planned.
This is a cliché. It kind of works here, and you can get away with stuff like this because of YA voice sometimes, but I think you need to play with it some more if you're going to go this route. Maybe you could say "the best laid plans of Kelarian Princesses and their deities" ... I don't know. It's up to you.
Venus wakes wakes from what? on Earth, her Formytian here you go with the awesome names again (personal guard) with her and learns she's been accused of blasphemous crimes against their deities and for killing one of their planet’s sacred animals.
Whoa. What? This kind of comes out of the blue. How did she get to earth? What animal did she kill, and when did it happen? There's not necessarily anything wrong with this plot point, but you need to be specific and make it make sense so that the reader doesn't become lost.
And, while the deities didn't send her to Earth, They’ve did you capitalize this on purpose? like Him for God? That's kind of cool commanded her to complete a mission before They’ll listen to her side.
The mission: Help a human find his true love.
So they accused her of blasphemous crimes, but weren't the ones who banished her, and yet once they found out she was down there on earth, they hooked her up with a mission? If the point is to advance the plot until the mission, why is the animal killing and blasphemy and all that necessary? You might want to just start with the mission.
Easy, right?
Probably not.
That’s what Venus thinks until she meets him. Ethan. The kid’s a total ass who’s been kicked by love his whole life.
I get what you mean, but I'm not sure this is the best way to say this. Kicked around by love? Kicked when he's down by love?
With only one week until she dies from Earth’s atmosphere, she’s in the race of her life.
So she has a week to find someone to make out with Ethan? Does it end up being her? Either way I find this interesting.
But as princess, she must remember her motto:
LEAD. LOYALTY. LOVE.
Is this a family motto, or something she made up? I think you should change it to LEADERSHIP. LOYALTY. LOVE. Because as it is you've got a verb that could also be a noun (as in the dense metal, lead), a noun, and then a noun that is also a verb. I think it looks better if you just have three nouns, because then the first two make it clear you mean love as a noun, not a verb. Unless you don't, and that would be kind of hot. The love, not the lead.
I self-published a novel in 2009 entitled SLEEPING ROSES. Unless you sold at least 5000 copies, don't mention this. In 2010, I signed a contract with Canonbridge, LLC for an adult paranormal novel, DISTORTED. That contract has since been withdrawn. It was of mutual consent as the owner is struggling with many personal problems, and I wish her the best. Was this a contract negotiated by a literary agent with a traditional publishing house? If not I would skip this too. It doesn't add anything to your ability to tell this story, and this story is the only one that matters in this query.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first chapter and I look forward to hearing from you.
You've clearly got a very fun story on your hands here, RaShelle, and I think with a little work you get really get this query to shine. You've got a great sense of fun language, and there is good voice in places, but I think you need to avoid broad, sweeping statements, and get specific.
So there you have it. What do you guys think? Anything to add? Am I trippin?
Let just get right to it, shall we?
Dear _______
I would suggest that you use the agent's name here. They prefer if you get their name right, and spell it correctly, too.
Hah! Just kidding.
After reviewing your interests I thought you might enjoy reading CONNECTED: THE KELVIERI'S BOOTS. It's YA science fiction and complete at 80,000 words. It's also the first in a series of three.
The jury will probably always be out on the question of whether housekeeping should come first or last. I am always going to tell people who ask for my advice that I think it should come at the end. Get right to the story; the story is really the only thing that matters in the end.
However, if you are truly submitting to an agent who makes it clear they want the housekeeping up front, then you're going to need more than this. "After reviewing your interests I thought you might enjoy" does not personalization make. If you're going to go that route you need to tell which books on their list made you come to this conclusion, and why. Personally I avoid those kind of comparisons, because they can be tricky, but if you're going to go there make sure you do it right.
Also, see this post, by Nathan Bransford, about how and when to mention series potential in a query.
Venus is from the planet Kelari. She's been training her whole life to one day be Queen of her land. On her sixteenth birthday, she receives her own pair of Kelvieri's Boots, a first step toward leadership and immortality. With these boots she'll need to take a journey to the Manshum Mountains, the home of her world's deities. There, the deities will complete her transformation and someday, when her parents concede the throne, she'll rule. It's a perfect plan and Venus expects her life to go accordingly.
Okay. Before I get to the advice, I want to say that this sounds really cool. You especially have a talent for coming up with great names. I'm terrible at it, so it always impresses me.
You've also got some things missing in this opening, though. Anytime a book is YA I'm going to tell the query writer to give us the protagonist's age. It's important because although YA may seem all encompassing, it really isn't. There's upper YA, lower YA, and several other things around, behind, and in-between. The other reason is that giving the age of a young character is a huge window to give us a look into who they are.
I would also like to hear a bit more about Venus' personality before we get to what's happening to her. Is she petulant? Wise beyond her years? Dumpy and nerdy, but with a heart of gold? It doesn't take much.
You get into the plot a little too quickly here, but once you do it gets good. There are fun things going on here, high stakes, exotic places. All that makes me interested in the story, but I soon get confused. Do these boots have power, or are they just symbolic? Why is immortality part of the bargain (not that it doesn't sound cool)? What exactly will the deities do, and what will she transform into?
Problem is, nothing ever goes as planned.
This is a cliché. It kind of works here, and you can get away with stuff like this because of YA voice sometimes, but I think you need to play with it some more if you're going to go this route. Maybe you could say "the best laid plans of Kelarian Princesses and their deities" ... I don't know. It's up to you.
Venus wakes wakes from what? on Earth, her Formytian here you go with the awesome names again (personal guard) with her and learns she's been accused of blasphemous crimes against their deities and for killing one of their planet’s sacred animals.
Whoa. What? This kind of comes out of the blue. How did she get to earth? What animal did she kill, and when did it happen? There's not necessarily anything wrong with this plot point, but you need to be specific and make it make sense so that the reader doesn't become lost.
And, while the deities didn't send her to Earth, They’ve did you capitalize this on purpose? like Him for God? That's kind of cool commanded her to complete a mission before They’ll listen to her side.
The mission: Help a human find his true love.
So they accused her of blasphemous crimes, but weren't the ones who banished her, and yet once they found out she was down there on earth, they hooked her up with a mission? If the point is to advance the plot until the mission, why is the animal killing and blasphemy and all that necessary? You might want to just start with the mission.
Easy, right?
Probably not.
That’s what Venus thinks until she meets him. Ethan. The kid’s a total ass who’s been kicked by love his whole life.
I get what you mean, but I'm not sure this is the best way to say this. Kicked around by love? Kicked when he's down by love?
With only one week until she dies from Earth’s atmosphere, she’s in the race of her life.
So she has a week to find someone to make out with Ethan? Does it end up being her? Either way I find this interesting.
But as princess, she must remember her motto:
LEAD. LOYALTY. LOVE.
Is this a family motto, or something she made up? I think you should change it to LEADERSHIP. LOYALTY. LOVE. Because as it is you've got a verb that could also be a noun (as in the dense metal, lead), a noun, and then a noun that is also a verb. I think it looks better if you just have three nouns, because then the first two make it clear you mean love as a noun, not a verb. Unless you don't, and that would be kind of hot. The love, not the lead.
I self-published a novel in 2009 entitled SLEEPING ROSES. Unless you sold at least 5000 copies, don't mention this. In 2010, I signed a contract with Canonbridge, LLC for an adult paranormal novel, DISTORTED. That contract has since been withdrawn. It was of mutual consent as the owner is struggling with many personal problems, and I wish her the best. Was this a contract negotiated by a literary agent with a traditional publishing house? If not I would skip this too. It doesn't add anything to your ability to tell this story, and this story is the only one that matters in this query.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first chapter and I look forward to hearing from you.
You've clearly got a very fun story on your hands here, RaShelle, and I think with a little work you get really get this query to shine. You've got a great sense of fun language, and there is good voice in places, but I think you need to avoid broad, sweeping statements, and get specific.
So there you have it. What do you guys think? Anything to add? Am I trippin?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
RaShelle Workman's Current Query
Okay. Here's another one for you, my dear, wonderful readers.
Today we have RaShelle Workman's query. Before we get to it, though, please be sure to visit RaShelle's blog, and become a follower. You won't regret it, she's hilarious. Thank you.
Now, the query:
Dear _______
After reviewing your interests I thought you might enjoy reading CONNECTED: THE KELVIERI'S BOOTS. It's YA science fiction and complete at 80,000 words. It's also the first in a series of three.
Venus is from the planet Kelari. She's been training her whole life to one day be Queen of her land. On her sixteenth birthday, she receives her own pair of Kelvieri's Boots, a first step toward leadership and immortality. With these boots she'll need to take a journey to the Manshum Mountains, the home of her world's deities. There, the deities will complete her transformation and someday, when her parents concede the throne, she'll rule. It's a perfect plan and Venus expects her life to go accordingly.
Problem is, nothing ever goes as planned.
Venus wakes on Earth, her Formytian (personal guard) with her and learns she's been accused of blasphemous crimes against their deities and for killing one of their planet’s sacred animals.
And, while the deities didn't send her to Earth, They’ve commanded her to complete a mission before They’ll listen to her side.
The mission: Help a human find his true love.
Easy, right?
That’s what Venus thinks until she meets him. Ethan. The kid’s a total ass who’s been kicked by love his whole life.
With only one week until she dies from Earth’s atmosphere, she’s in the race of her life.
But as princess, she must remember her motto:
LEAD. LOYALTY. LOVE.
I self-published a novel in 2009 entitled SLEEPING ROSES. In 2010, I signed a contract with Canonbridge, LLC for an adult paranormal novel, DISTORTED. That contract has since been withdrawn. It was of mutual consent as the owner is struggling with many personal problems, and I wish her the best.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first chapter and I look forward to hearing from you.
I think I forgot to say above, but if you've been here before you know that today is just to introduce you to the query, and RaShelle. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, when we will all see what we can do to make this query shine.
Today we have RaShelle Workman's query. Before we get to it, though, please be sure to visit RaShelle's blog, and become a follower. You won't regret it, she's hilarious. Thank you.
Now, the query:
Dear _______
After reviewing your interests I thought you might enjoy reading CONNECTED: THE KELVIERI'S BOOTS. It's YA science fiction and complete at 80,000 words. It's also the first in a series of three.
Venus is from the planet Kelari. She's been training her whole life to one day be Queen of her land. On her sixteenth birthday, she receives her own pair of Kelvieri's Boots, a first step toward leadership and immortality. With these boots she'll need to take a journey to the Manshum Mountains, the home of her world's deities. There, the deities will complete her transformation and someday, when her parents concede the throne, she'll rule. It's a perfect plan and Venus expects her life to go accordingly.
Problem is, nothing ever goes as planned.
Venus wakes on Earth, her Formytian (personal guard) with her and learns she's been accused of blasphemous crimes against their deities and for killing one of their planet’s sacred animals.
And, while the deities didn't send her to Earth, They’ve commanded her to complete a mission before They’ll listen to her side.
The mission: Help a human find his true love.
Easy, right?
That’s what Venus thinks until she meets him. Ethan. The kid’s a total ass who’s been kicked by love his whole life.
With only one week until she dies from Earth’s atmosphere, she’s in the race of her life.
But as princess, she must remember her motto:
LEAD. LOYALTY. LOVE.
I self-published a novel in 2009 entitled SLEEPING ROSES. In 2010, I signed a contract with Canonbridge, LLC for an adult paranormal novel, DISTORTED. That contract has since been withdrawn. It was of mutual consent as the owner is struggling with many personal problems, and I wish her the best.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first chapter and I look forward to hearing from you.
I think I forgot to say above, but if you've been here before you know that today is just to introduce you to the query, and RaShelle. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, when we will all see what we can do to make this query shine.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Bish Denham's Current Query Critiqued
Before I get started on this query, I have to warn you all, but especially Bish: this query is already very good, and I'm going to have to be extremely nit-picky in order to be able to say anything at all. Please remember that, and keep in mind that any feedback on any creative writing is always going to be incredibly subjective.
Bish is a friend of mine, so I happen to know that she took part in probably one of the coolest contests ever held in the blogoshpere not long ago. The Bookshelf Muse held a contest earlier this year in which the prize was a mentorship from Angela Ackerman, where she would help you with every aspect of your writing and publishing career. Bish won.
What this means is that this query has been put through the ringer by Angela, who is also a friend of mine, and happens to have one of the keenest eyes for this kind of thing of anyone I know. So it some ways it's almost pointless for me to critique this query, because I know it's already been polished to the point of near perfection, but I'll give it a try, because Bish asked, and because there is almost always room for a little improvement.
So here we go:
Dear Agent,
From the moment he hatches, Marvin P. Tinkleberry knows he is destined for greatness. For one, he has a marvelous, well-groomed tail. For another he can puff out his throat pouch in the most spectacular way. Maybe the other lizards in his colony don’t take him seriously, but he knows the truth, it lives in the marrow of his bones, he’s going to be a hero.
If I was to suggest one more addition, I would like to see another funny phrase that tells us just how full of himself Marvin is. You could say "he's going to be a hero, Lizard of the Lane (as in Cock of the Walk)." I don't know. It's already very good, so I'm just grasping at straws here.
When a feral cat threatens his home of Stone Wall in the Garden by the Sea, clearly there’s only one lizard for the job. Travelling Over the Hill to find and befriend a dog should be as easy as snapping up a sleeping moth. And as for help, he doesn’t need any! After all, if Marvin’s ancestor, Prince Leopold, could go it alone, so can he.
If I was to nit-pick this section, I would say that you can cut the "And" before "as for help," but you don't have to. Also I would like to know why Marvin's ancestor was a prince, and what he was prince of. If it was only Stone Wall in the Garden by the Sea, that's fine! You could probably just say Prince of Stone Wall, and that would be fun, because it would show us that he probably wasn't really prince of anything that important, which would help explain Marvin's inflated opinion of himself. If it's something else, that's okay too.
It doesn’t take long for Marvin to see that the world beyond Stone Wall is not the same as his pampered life back at the garden. A beautiful tail is not much help against deadly scorpions or navigating the fearful I think you might consider a better word here. Fearful can be used to describe something that causes fear, but it is more commonly used to describe someone who is easily scared. Terrifying or horrifying would both work. Sucker Cactus Forest. Nor are hungry mongooses and rats frightened bya even the most impressive? pouch display. It becomes clear, if he’s to complete his mission, Marvin must deflate his ego, accept help, and make a plan. Along with El Grekko Gecko, the Great Iguana, and a lovely female named Leeza, Marvin sets out for the poisonous wasteland of The Dump where he must find the one key to befriending the fearsome dog and saving his colony from extinction: a Bone.
I'm trying to be as critical as I can here, but there isn't a lot to add. These last couple sentences are especially good, where they summarize the conflict, use a some very clever names to briefly introduce some fun supporting characters, and give us a great sense of stakes. The idea of the Bone as a plot ticket is very well played here. It sounds so easy, but we can all guess it won't be.
But it will cost him, and Marvin will have to decide if he is willing to pay.
You could mention what it would cost him, depending on what it is, and whether it can be described quickly, but I really don't thing you have to. This is already a great summary and we have an excellent sense of conflict, stakes, and choice.
A Lizard’s Tail is a fun MG adventure approximately 24,000 words in length. It is steeped with the exotic flora and fauna of the Caribbean. I am a fourth generation U. S. Virgin Islander and have had stories and articles published with Spider Magazine, Wee Ones, Blooming Tree Press, Fun For Kidz and My Friend. I also placed first in the Children’s Writer Fantasy/Folktale Contest put on by the Institute of Children’s Literature.
I've always been taught that the working title of an unpublished work is capitalized in the query letter, but Angela would know better than me, so if she told you to italicize I would stick with here advice. Otherwise this section is good, except for Blooming Tree Press. Why is that publication not italicized?
(Personalization bit here.) May I send A Lizard’s Tail for you to view?
Thank you for your consideration
Sincerely,
Bish Denham
Wow. That was tough. This query is already so close. I don't think there's much that needs to be changed. Consider my advice with a grain of salt, considering the subjectivity of my opinion. In any case where my thoughts contradict Angela's, I would default to hers.
What do you think, readers? Did I miss anything? Is there anything you would change?
Bish is a friend of mine, so I happen to know that she took part in probably one of the coolest contests ever held in the blogoshpere not long ago. The Bookshelf Muse held a contest earlier this year in which the prize was a mentorship from Angela Ackerman, where she would help you with every aspect of your writing and publishing career. Bish won.
What this means is that this query has been put through the ringer by Angela, who is also a friend of mine, and happens to have one of the keenest eyes for this kind of thing of anyone I know. So it some ways it's almost pointless for me to critique this query, because I know it's already been polished to the point of near perfection, but I'll give it a try, because Bish asked, and because there is almost always room for a little improvement.
So here we go:
Dear Agent,
From the moment he hatches, Marvin P. Tinkleberry knows he is destined for greatness. For one, he has a marvelous, well-groomed tail. For another he can puff out his throat pouch in the most spectacular way. Maybe the other lizards in his colony don’t take him seriously, but he knows the truth, it lives in the marrow of his bones, he’s going to be a hero.
So this opening hook is essentially perfect. It gives a great sense of character, is full of fun, light voice, and begins to hint at some kind of conflict. Normally I might want to see a little bit better idea of the plot, setting, backstory, or something other than just character, but this is a short, fun MG novel(la), and the plot is well covered shortly after.
If I was to suggest one more addition, I would like to see another funny phrase that tells us just how full of himself Marvin is. You could say "he's going to be a hero, Lizard of the Lane (as in Cock of the Walk)." I don't know. It's already very good, so I'm just grasping at straws here.
When a feral cat threatens his home of Stone Wall in the Garden by the Sea, clearly there’s only one lizard for the job. Travelling Over the Hill to find and befriend a dog should be as easy as snapping up a sleeping moth. And as for help, he doesn’t need any! After all, if Marvin’s ancestor, Prince Leopold, could go it alone, so can he.
This is also good. I love the capitalization that make it clear these are the proper names of important places in Marvin's life. I love how obvious it is that we know what the conflict is going to be, without you having to spell it out for us. Marvin thinks enlisting a dog's aid will be easy, but of course we all know it won't.
If I was to nit-pick this section, I would say that you can cut the "And" before "as for help," but you don't have to. Also I would like to know why Marvin's ancestor was a prince, and what he was prince of. If it was only Stone Wall in the Garden by the Sea, that's fine! You could probably just say Prince of Stone Wall, and that would be fun, because it would show us that he probably wasn't really prince of anything that important, which would help explain Marvin's inflated opinion of himself. If it's something else, that's okay too.
It doesn’t take long for Marvin to see that the world beyond Stone Wall is not the same as his pampered life back at the garden. A beautiful tail is not much help against deadly scorpions or navigating the fearful I think you might consider a better word here. Fearful can be used to describe something that causes fear, but it is more commonly used to describe someone who is easily scared. Terrifying or horrifying would both work. Sucker Cactus Forest. Nor are hungry mongooses and rats frightened by
I'm trying to be as critical as I can here, but there isn't a lot to add. These last couple sentences are especially good, where they summarize the conflict, use a some very clever names to briefly introduce some fun supporting characters, and give us a great sense of stakes. The idea of the Bone as a plot ticket is very well played here. It sounds so easy, but we can all guess it won't be.
But it will cost him, and Marvin will have to decide if he is willing to pay.
You could mention what it would cost him, depending on what it is, and whether it can be described quickly, but I really don't thing you have to. This is already a great summary and we have an excellent sense of conflict, stakes, and choice.
A Lizard’s Tail is a fun MG adventure approximately 24,000 words in length. It is steeped with the exotic flora and fauna of the Caribbean. I am a fourth generation U. S. Virgin Islander and have had stories and articles published with Spider Magazine, Wee Ones, Blooming Tree Press, Fun For Kidz and My Friend. I also placed first in the Children’s Writer Fantasy/Folktale Contest put on by the Institute of Children’s Literature.
I've always been taught that the working title of an unpublished work is capitalized in the query letter, but Angela would know better than me, so if she told you to italicize I would stick with here advice. Otherwise this section is good, except for Blooming Tree Press. Why is that publication not italicized?
(Personalization bit here.) May I send A Lizard’s Tail for you to view?
Thank you for your consideration
Sincerely,
Bish Denham
Wow. That was tough. This query is already so close. I don't think there's much that needs to be changed. Consider my advice with a grain of salt, considering the subjectivity of my opinion. In any case where my thoughts contradict Angela's, I would default to hers.
What do you think, readers? Did I miss anything? Is there anything you would change?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bish Denham's Current Query
Back to queries today on The QQQE. It's what we do. In fact, it's going to be queries for the rest of the week here. So get ready, get pumped.
Anyway, today's is Bish Denham's. Before we go on, please visit her blog, and click that little follow button. I'll wait ...
... you're back? Excellent. Remember how this works? Good.
Today is just Bish's query letter. Feedback is being reserved for tomorrow. So please say hello, in the comments, but save your critique until Wednesday. Thanks!
The query:
Dear Agent,
From the moment he hatches, Marvin P. Tinkleberry knows he is destined for greatness. For one, he has a marvelous, well-groomed tail. For another he can puff out his throat pouch in the most spectacular way. Maybe the other lizards in his colony don’t take him seriously, but he knows the truth, it lives in the marrow of his bones, he’s going to be a hero.
When a feral cat threatens his home of Stone Wall in the Garden by the Sea, clearly there’s only one lizard for the job. Travelling Over the Hill to find and befriend a dog should be as easy as snapping up a sleeping moth. And as for help, he doesn’t need any! After all, if Marvin’s ancestor, Prince Leopold, could go it alone, so can he.
It doesn’t take long for Marvin to see that the world beyond Stone Wall is not the same as his pampered life back at the garden. A beautiful tail is not much help against deadly scorpions or navigating the fearful Sucker Cactus Forest. Nor are hungry mongooses and rats frightened by a pouch display. It becomes clear, if he’s to complete his mission, Marvin must deflate his ego, accept help, and make a plan. Along with El Grekko Gecko, the Great Iguana, and a lovely female named Leeza, Marvin sets out for the poisonous wasteland of The Dump where he must find the one key to befriending the fearsome dog and saving his colony from extinction: a Bone.
But it will cost him, and Marvin will have to decide if he is willing to pay.
A Lizard’s Tail is a fun MG adventure approximately 24,000 words in length. It is steeped with the exotic flora and fauna of the Caribbean. I am a fourth generation U. S. Virgin Islander and have had stories and articles published with Spider Magazine, Wee Ones, Blooming Tree Press, Fun For Kidz and My Friend. I also placed first in the Children’s Writer Fantasy/Folktale Contest put on by the Institute of Children’s Literature.
(Personalization bit here.) May I send A Lizard’s Tail for you to view?
Thank you for your consideration
Sincerely,
Bish Denham
That's it! Thank you very much for having the courage to share this with us, Bish. I'll provide my thoughts tomorrow.
Anyway, today's is Bish Denham's. Before we go on, please visit her blog, and click that little follow button. I'll wait ...
... you're back? Excellent. Remember how this works? Good.
Today is just Bish's query letter. Feedback is being reserved for tomorrow. So please say hello, in the comments, but save your critique until Wednesday. Thanks!
The query:
Dear Agent,
From the moment he hatches, Marvin P. Tinkleberry knows he is destined for greatness. For one, he has a marvelous, well-groomed tail. For another he can puff out his throat pouch in the most spectacular way. Maybe the other lizards in his colony don’t take him seriously, but he knows the truth, it lives in the marrow of his bones, he’s going to be a hero.
When a feral cat threatens his home of Stone Wall in the Garden by the Sea, clearly there’s only one lizard for the job. Travelling Over the Hill to find and befriend a dog should be as easy as snapping up a sleeping moth. And as for help, he doesn’t need any! After all, if Marvin’s ancestor, Prince Leopold, could go it alone, so can he.
It doesn’t take long for Marvin to see that the world beyond Stone Wall is not the same as his pampered life back at the garden. A beautiful tail is not much help against deadly scorpions or navigating the fearful Sucker Cactus Forest. Nor are hungry mongooses and rats frightened by a pouch display. It becomes clear, if he’s to complete his mission, Marvin must deflate his ego, accept help, and make a plan. Along with El Grekko Gecko, the Great Iguana, and a lovely female named Leeza, Marvin sets out for the poisonous wasteland of The Dump where he must find the one key to befriending the fearsome dog and saving his colony from extinction: a Bone.
But it will cost him, and Marvin will have to decide if he is willing to pay.
A Lizard’s Tail is a fun MG adventure approximately 24,000 words in length. It is steeped with the exotic flora and fauna of the Caribbean. I am a fourth generation U. S. Virgin Islander and have had stories and articles published with Spider Magazine, Wee Ones, Blooming Tree Press, Fun For Kidz and My Friend. I also placed first in the Children’s Writer Fantasy/Folktale Contest put on by the Institute of Children’s Literature.
(Personalization bit here.) May I send A Lizard’s Tail for you to view?
Thank you for your consideration
Sincerely,
Bish Denham
That's it! Thank you very much for having the courage to share this with us, Bish. I'll provide my thoughts tomorrow.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Hope Solo, Megan Rapinoe, and Abby Wambach for Queens of the Universe
I watched all 123+ minutes of the US women's soccer team's game versus Brazil yesterday, and it was one of the most exciting, breathtaking, infuriating, inspiring, incredible matches I've ever born witness to. The American side conducted themselves with dignity and creativity and in spite of the referee getting far too involved in the match, and playing 10 against 11 since the 66th minute, they persevered, and are going through to the semi-finals on a dramatic penalty kick shootout win.
That's poetic justice if you ask me because Brazil tied the game on a penalty kick after a red card. It was one of the most ridiculous calls I've ever seen. The original red-card wasn't that bad. Anytime a penalty in the box interrupts a goal scoring opportunity, a red card is almost required. But the first penalty shot was blocked by the US keeper, Hope Solo, one of the most beautiful women to ever play the game. The physics involved in blocking a penalty shot mean that it's almost impossible to do. I can't even really properly articulate how hard it is for a goal keeper to block a penalty shot, but she did it, and I was jumping out of my seat, thrashing around and screaming when she did.
Yet the referee got involved, beyond any expected level, and gave a second PK to the Brazilians for what all the experts agree, was no reason. The FIFA "law 14" says that the goalkeeper can move side to side on the baseline, as long as she does not step forward. The video below proves that there was nothing wrong with Hope Solo's poetic defense of that first penalty shot.
To be asked to defend a penalty kick twice is like ... well I have no idea exactly what it's like, but it isn't right.
And yet the US women played on, down a woman, and held Brazil into extra time. All seemed lost when the Brazilians scored in the first period of extra time, and then began to do everything they could to delay the match. Including at one time having a defender flop onto the ground as if she was hurt, wait for the medical staff to carry her off the field on a stretcher, where she immediately hopped off the thing, and trotted back onto the pitch. She wasted no less than four full minutes, and if you don't know Soccer, I can tell you that is a huge deal, because the clock never stops.
I wish I could find a video of that, because it's almost funny. It would be hilarious, in fact, if it weren't so infuriating. In the end it didn't matter though, because Megan Rapinoe came up with one of the greatest crosses from the left corner I have ever seen, in Men's or Women's Soccer, and the lovely Abby Wambach, the elder stateswoman of US Women's Soccer, headed it in, and sent the game to a shootout. Here is the latest goal ever scored in Women's World Cup Soccer, for your viewing pleasure:
Feel free to watch that a few times. I've been watching it over and over myself. The best part of the whole experience though? I watched the whole game with both my daughters, and afterwards we switched to sportscenter. I can't tell you how good it felt to have those ESPN talking heads discussing a women's sport for once.
You go girls!
That's poetic justice if you ask me because Brazil tied the game on a penalty kick after a red card. It was one of the most ridiculous calls I've ever seen. The original red-card wasn't that bad. Anytime a penalty in the box interrupts a goal scoring opportunity, a red card is almost required. But the first penalty shot was blocked by the US keeper, Hope Solo, one of the most beautiful women to ever play the game. The physics involved in blocking a penalty shot mean that it's almost impossible to do. I can't even really properly articulate how hard it is for a goal keeper to block a penalty shot, but she did it, and I was jumping out of my seat, thrashing around and screaming when she did.
Yet the referee got involved, beyond any expected level, and gave a second PK to the Brazilians for what all the experts agree, was no reason. The FIFA "law 14" says that the goalkeeper can move side to side on the baseline, as long as she does not step forward. The video below proves that there was nothing wrong with Hope Solo's poetic defense of that first penalty shot.
To be asked to defend a penalty kick twice is like ... well I have no idea exactly what it's like, but it isn't right.
And yet the US women played on, down a woman, and held Brazil into extra time. All seemed lost when the Brazilians scored in the first period of extra time, and then began to do everything they could to delay the match. Including at one time having a defender flop onto the ground as if she was hurt, wait for the medical staff to carry her off the field on a stretcher, where she immediately hopped off the thing, and trotted back onto the pitch. She wasted no less than four full minutes, and if you don't know Soccer, I can tell you that is a huge deal, because the clock never stops.
I wish I could find a video of that, because it's almost funny. It would be hilarious, in fact, if it weren't so infuriating. In the end it didn't matter though, because Megan Rapinoe came up with one of the greatest crosses from the left corner I have ever seen, in Men's or Women's Soccer, and the lovely Abby Wambach, the elder stateswoman of US Women's Soccer, headed it in, and sent the game to a shootout. Here is the latest goal ever scored in Women's World Cup Soccer, for your viewing pleasure:
Feel free to watch that a few times. I've been watching it over and over myself. The best part of the whole experience though? I watched the whole game with both my daughters, and afterwards we switched to sportscenter. I can't tell you how good it felt to have those ESPN talking heads discussing a women's sport for once.
You go girls!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Josh Hoyt's Current Query Critiqued
Okay. Back again? Excellent. Thank you so much for you willingness to lend a hand. My own personal belief is that as writers we're all in this together, and there's nothing more important than helping each other out, so I really appreciate everyone's willingness to jump in, and share some feedback with Josh.
Now, I haven't done one of these for a while, so before I get to the specifics of this query I just want to say a couple things about query letters in general.
There is a lot of advice out there, some of it conflicting, but probably the most important thing is to know the agent you plan on submitting to. They each have different expectations, and submission guidelines. Often the query is just a teaser for the five pages they'll allow you to include.
Anyway, I have a bit of a formula I like to use when I try to advise people what needs to be in their query letter. I call it The Three Cs. In my opinion, the most important aspects of a query are: Character, Conflict, and Choice. In other words: Who is this story about (usually one named MC/protag but there are variations), What sort of adversity do they have to overcome (internal and external plot can be discussed, depending on importance) and What choice (or choices) do they have to make to accomplish their goals?
Every query also needs a good pitch and/or opening hook, but I always advise people to make the character part of that. If we don't start off with a compelling character, most people will not read on.
Obviously there's more to these things than just that, but let's get to work. My critique, thoughts and advice will be in red.
Dear [agent name]:
I am pleased to submit for your consideration, THE ORDER OF THE ROSE, a 78,000-word young adult fantasy novel. This is what I call housekeeping, and my advice is to save it for the end. There are some agents who prefer it up front, so be sure to find out before submitting, but my opinion is that you have very little time (words) to get the reader (probably an assistant) interested in your book. Get right to the story, because in the end the story is all that matters.The novel is centered around these previous five words are not necessary, what else would you be talking about besides your novel? Tom Tom? Tom who? This is a simple and almost cliche name for a character, but it can work. I just think you need to add a last name, and something else that identifies what kind of person he is. Remember, character is more important than anything, and before we know what happens to him, we need to get a sense of who he is. You can add an occupation, call him a part-time cut-purse, a failed clergyman, whatever, a 16-year old this should say 16 year-old, or sixteen-year-old who is hunted for his unique distinction of being the only male able to wield magic in centuries. For this reason, he is chosen to restore The Order of The Rose. Okay. Now this sounds cool, it's certainly an interesting premise, but this is still more about plot than character. That'll be okay, if you fix the opening to tell us who Tom is, but I think you should think about how you write your sentences. Both of these are passive, using state of being verbs, but more importantly, they don't really tell us as much as they might seem to. Who chooses Tom? What is the Order? If you choose to answer those questions later in the query, that's fine, but I don't see that you do, from my reading.
Torn from his mother at a young age I like this verbiage, because it's a lot stronger writing than what comes before it, but what does it really mean? Did she die? Was he kidnapped? Exiled? Be specific, Tom was past tense left in an orphanage some people may say this is redundant, and it might be, depending on what torn from means to fend for himself until being rescued by a wealthy revolutionary leader WTH? In real life revolutionary leaders are usually poor, but I can accept that it may be different in this world, but this is still too vague a description of this person. You don't need to name him, in fact I would suggest you don't, but some explanation of why he's "rescuing" Tom from the orphanage is important. The revolutionary leader trains present tense Tom to use guns and swords as well as subterfuge in hopes that he can help overthrow the government. What happened to the Order? Is this guy the one that chose Tom for the Order? If so that is not clear the way this is currently written. During training Tom discovers his patron is not the only one who else, and why? interested in his new found abilities. He soon comes to find that not everyone who is looking for him, cut this comma, also: people are looking for him now? wants him alive when all is said and done.
Tom meets a ghost of the old Order who speaks to him, “You are our last hope. You must make things right.” This comes a bit out of left field, and I have to wonder what it means. You need to be a little more specific here. If Tom fails to restore The Order of The Rose and bring an end to the corruption, the land will be ripped apart. literally? By what forces? It is then when Tom finally realizes the weight he carries. Though he fears what he will become of him, he knows he must protect his friends who are the only family he's known. or? This is where you need to clarify the CHOICE. The third C.
It also seems to be lacking a bit of voice, but I don't think that's as big an issue considering the fact that fantasy is often not as riddled with voice as say a YA PNR.
And I have to say that the concept here sounds very cool to me. I get a kind of arcane Gregorian monk feel from this query letter, and though the execution needs a little work, I think you have something interesting here.
I am getting my second master’s degree in school psychology and I already have a Master’s degree in counseling. As a result, I have come to better understand the people around me. I use this knowledge for my blog, How to Diagnose Your Character, in hopes to help writers create accurate characters for their novels.
This is debatable. This isn't really publishing credits, and I'm not sure it's directly pertinent to your ability to tell this story. I would skip this whole paragraph in the interest of having more room for words directly describing the story.
If you would like to consider THE ORDER OF THE ROSE, I’d be happy to forward you the complete manuscript.
Put your housekeeping here. TITLE, Word Count, Genre, etc. Any personalization for a particular agent can also go here, unless you find they prefer it up front, like Nathan Bransford.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Joshua Hoyt
So that's it. What do you guys think? Please feel free to disagree with me, and let's see if we can't help Josh write a better opening hook.
Now, I haven't done one of these for a while, so before I get to the specifics of this query I just want to say a couple things about query letters in general.
There is a lot of advice out there, some of it conflicting, but probably the most important thing is to know the agent you plan on submitting to. They each have different expectations, and submission guidelines. Often the query is just a teaser for the five pages they'll allow you to include.
Anyway, I have a bit of a formula I like to use when I try to advise people what needs to be in their query letter. I call it The Three Cs. In my opinion, the most important aspects of a query are: Character, Conflict, and Choice. In other words: Who is this story about (usually one named MC/protag but there are variations), What sort of adversity do they have to overcome (internal and external plot can be discussed, depending on importance) and What choice (or choices) do they have to make to accomplish their goals?
Every query also needs a good pitch and/or opening hook, but I always advise people to make the character part of that. If we don't start off with a compelling character, most people will not read on.
Obviously there's more to these things than just that, but let's get to work. My critique, thoughts and advice will be in red.
Dear [agent name]:
I am pleased to submit for your consideration, THE ORDER OF THE ROSE, a 78,000-word young adult fantasy novel. This is what I call housekeeping, and my advice is to save it for the end. There are some agents who prefer it up front, so be sure to find out before submitting, but my opinion is that you have very little time (words) to get the reader (probably an assistant) interested in your book. Get right to the story, because in the end the story is all that matters.
Torn from his mother at a young age I like this verbiage, because it's a lot stronger writing than what comes before it, but what does it really mean? Did she die? Was he kidnapped? Exiled? Be specific, Tom was past tense left in an orphanage some people may say this is redundant, and it might be, depending on what torn from means to fend for himself until being rescued by a wealthy revolutionary leader WTH? In real life revolutionary leaders are usually poor, but I can accept that it may be different in this world, but this is still too vague a description of this person. You don't need to name him, in fact I would suggest you don't, but some explanation of why he's "rescuing" Tom from the orphanage is important. The revolutionary leader trains present tense Tom to use guns and swords as well as subterfuge in hopes that he can help overthrow the government. What happened to the Order? Is this guy the one that chose Tom for the Order? If so that is not clear the way this is currently written. During training Tom discovers his patron is not the only one who else, and why? interested in his new found abilities. He soon comes to find that not everyone who is looking for him, cut this comma, also: people are looking for him now? wants him alive when all is said and done.
Tom meets a ghost of the old Order who speaks to him, “You are our last hope. You must make things right.” This comes a bit out of left field, and I have to wonder what it means. You need to be a little more specific here. If Tom fails to restore The Order of The Rose and bring an end to the corruption, the land will be ripped apart. literally? By what forces? It is then when Tom finally realizes the weight he carries. Though he fears what he will become of him, he knows he must protect his friends who are the only family he's known. or? This is where you need to clarify the CHOICE. The third C.
Okay. So the biggest problem with this query is that you have a lot of vague mentionings of what sounds like high stakes conflict, but we can't really tell for sure because we don't know what is actually going on. Be specific. Tell us why the Patron Saint of Orphaned Revolutionaries rescues Tom. If it's his magic, how does he know about it, and why is he trained in guns and swords instead of staves and spells?
It also seems to be lacking a bit of voice, but I don't think that's as big an issue considering the fact that fantasy is often not as riddled with voice as say a YA PNR.
And I have to say that the concept here sounds very cool to me. I get a kind of arcane Gregorian monk feel from this query letter, and though the execution needs a little work, I think you have something interesting here.
I am getting my second master’s degree in school psychology and I already have a Master’s degree in counseling. As a result, I have come to better understand the people around me. I use this knowledge for my blog, How to Diagnose Your Character, in hopes to help writers create accurate characters for their novels.
This is debatable. This isn't really publishing credits, and I'm not sure it's directly pertinent to your ability to tell this story. I would skip this whole paragraph in the interest of having more room for words directly describing the story.
If you would like to consider THE ORDER OF THE ROSE, I’d be happy to forward you the complete manuscript.
Put your housekeeping here. TITLE, Word Count, Genre, etc. Any personalization for a particular agent can also go here, unless you find they prefer it up front, like Nathan Bransford.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Joshua Hoyt
So that's it. What do you guys think? Please feel free to disagree with me, and let's see if we can't help Josh write a better opening hook.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Josh Hoyt's Current Query
Okay. Today we're finally getting back to some of the bread and butter of what this blog was supposed to be about in the first place. Queries. Remember queries? Don't everyone squee at once.
Yeah, anyway. If you guys don't know Josh Hoyt, he's got a very interesting blog about diagnosing characters. You should visit it and follow him. Now.
Now that you're back, let's get to his query. Remember how this works? Today I'm just going to show you his current query letter, so that you can all get a feeling for where he's at. Tomorrow I'll critique his letter, and you guys can toss your feedback into the comments. So, here it is:
Dear [agent name]:
I am pleased to submit for your consideration, THE ORDER OF THE ROSE, a 78,000-word young adult fantasy novel. The novel is centered around Tom, a 16-year old who is hunted for his unique distinction of being the only male able to wield magic in centuries. For this reason, he is chosen to restore The Order of The Rose.
Torn from his mother at a young age, Tom was left in an orphanage to fend for himself until being rescued by a wealthy revolutionary leader. The revolutionary leader trains Tom to use guns and swords as well as subterfuge in hopes that he can help overthrow the government. During training Tom discovers his patron is not the only one interested in his new found abilities. He soon comes to find that not everyone who is looking for him, wants him alive when all is said and done.
Tom meets a ghost of the old Order who speaks to him, “You are our last hope. You must make things right.” If Tom fails to restore The Order of The Rose and bring an end to the corruption, the land will be ripped apart. It is then when Tom finally realizes the weight he carries. Though he fears what he will become of him, he knows he must protect his friends who are the only family he's known.
I am getting my second master’s degree in school psychology and I already have a Master’s degree in counseling. As a result, I have come to better understand the people around me. I use this knowledge for my blog, How to Diagnose Your Character, in hopes to help writers create accurate characters for their novels.
If you would like to consider THE ORDER OF THE ROSE, I’d be happy to forward you the complete manuscript.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Joshua Hoyt
So there you go. Please just say hi to Josh in the comments, and save your critique for tomorrow. Thanks!
Yeah, anyway. If you guys don't know Josh Hoyt, he's got a very interesting blog about diagnosing characters. You should visit it and follow him. Now.
Now that you're back, let's get to his query. Remember how this works? Today I'm just going to show you his current query letter, so that you can all get a feeling for where he's at. Tomorrow I'll critique his letter, and you guys can toss your feedback into the comments. So, here it is:
Dear [agent name]:
I am pleased to submit for your consideration, THE ORDER OF THE ROSE, a 78,000-word young adult fantasy novel. The novel is centered around Tom, a 16-year old who is hunted for his unique distinction of being the only male able to wield magic in centuries. For this reason, he is chosen to restore The Order of The Rose.
Torn from his mother at a young age, Tom was left in an orphanage to fend for himself until being rescued by a wealthy revolutionary leader. The revolutionary leader trains Tom to use guns and swords as well as subterfuge in hopes that he can help overthrow the government. During training Tom discovers his patron is not the only one interested in his new found abilities. He soon comes to find that not everyone who is looking for him, wants him alive when all is said and done.
Tom meets a ghost of the old Order who speaks to him, “You are our last hope. You must make things right.” If Tom fails to restore The Order of The Rose and bring an end to the corruption, the land will be ripped apart. It is then when Tom finally realizes the weight he carries. Though he fears what he will become of him, he knows he must protect his friends who are the only family he's known.
I am getting my second master’s degree in school psychology and I already have a Master’s degree in counseling. As a result, I have come to better understand the people around me. I use this knowledge for my blog, How to Diagnose Your Character, in hopes to help writers create accurate characters for their novels.
If you would like to consider THE ORDER OF THE ROSE, I’d be happy to forward you the complete manuscript.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Joshua Hoyt
So there you go. Please just say hi to Josh in the comments, and save your critique for tomorrow. Thanks!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Something Real
I promised you guys something real today. Well, I've delivered. Okay, so I actually lied when I said "I'll have something real for you here, tomorrow," but that's only because it isn't here.
I'm reviewing Open Wounds, by Joe Lunievicz, today, over at Afterglow Book Reviews. So please, go read it.
Thanks!
I'm reviewing Open Wounds, by Joe Lunievicz, today, over at Afterglow Book Reviews. So please, go read it.
Thanks!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Character Names
Sorry to shamelessly self promote here guys, but yesterday was the Fourth of July, so some of you may have missed my post over at Project Mayhem. If you did, please go read The Character Should Make the Name.
The post itself wasn't that great, kind of rambling as I am wont to do, but the comments were awesome. And there's a link to a fun game in my first comment, one that is heavily related to the post.
Anyway, please go read that, let me know what you think, and then I'll have something real for you here, tomorrow. Thanks!
The post itself wasn't that great, kind of rambling as I am wont to do, but the comments were awesome. And there's a link to a fun game in my first comment, one that is heavily related to the post.
Anyway, please go read that, let me know what you think, and then I'll have something real for you here, tomorrow. Thanks!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Project Mayhem
It's my first post at Project Mayhem today. So please come by and show some support, here. Thanks!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Quotes Week, Part Five
For Paul:
For Elana:
For Shannon:
For Sarah:
- The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind. ~Kahlil Gibran
For Elana:
- No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. ~Aesop
For Shannon:
- When my daughter was about seven years old, she asked me one day what I did at work. I told her I worked at the college - that my job was to teach people how to draw. She stared at me, incredulous, and said, "You mean they forget?" ~Howard Ikemoto
For Sarah:
- One can't live mindfully without being enmeshed in psychological processes that are around us. ~Philip Zimbardo
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