How to Comment Your Way into a Best-Selling Friendship

I'm out of town, enjoying granola from cooperative food markets, organically grown local vegetables, riding electric buses, and avoiding unwashed hippies who smell like patchouli oil. So I asked my friend to write a post. His name is Maine Character. You all know him as the most excellent dude in the blogoshpere. He leaves the best comments.

I asked him to write something thoughtful and profound. Take it away Clyde (his name has been changed to protect me from myself):

Whoever your favorite author is, there’s a good chance they have a blog, which means you can write to them directly any time you like. For aspiring writers like us, this is pure heaven on a stick. But in such a crowd of admirers, how can you stand out?

Here’s six surefire methods to spice up your comments so that your favorite authors will not only notice you, but give you the attention you deserve.

1) The first time you comment, jump right in and act like you’ve known the author for ages. Even better, give them a nickname, like “Sperkie.”

2) For your avatar, use a photo of the author’s dog. This way, whenever they see your comments, they will positively glow with love and want to give you treats.

3) Don’t hold back – brevity may be the soul of wit, but word count is the soul of comments. The author has given you plenty of space to post your thoughts, so unload all you like. In fact, go for multiple posts an hour, and watch their comment numbers reach new heights.

4) If someone else posts a comment and gets a laugh from the author, you must take them down. Ridicule their avatar. Go to their blog and mock their vacation photos. Authors love being fought over.

5) If they don’t reply to a question you asked, ask it again. And again. As in all writing endeavors, persistence pays. So do CAPITAL LETTERS.

6) Sooner or later – and it will happen – the author will send you your own private e-mail. Congratulations! You are now friends with a famous author! Writing buddies! Don’t be dismayed if they aren’t polite about it. In fact, the author may cloak their appreciation in words like “cease” and “desist.”

But don’t let that fool you – they're just testing your dedication. Every author has to go through multiple rejections before acceptance, and becoming BFF with your favorite author is totally worth all the extra effort.