Friday, July 29, 2011

How to Comment Your Way into a Best-Selling Friendship

I'm out of town, enjoying granola from cooperative food markets, organically grown local vegetables, riding electric buses, and avoiding unwashed hippies who smell like patchouli oil. So I asked my friend to write a post. His name is Maine Character. You all know him as the most excellent dude in the blogoshpere. He leaves the best comments.

I asked him to write something thoughtful and profound. Take it away Clyde (his name has been changed to protect me from myself):

Whoever your favorite author is, there’s a good chance they have a blog, which means you can write to them directly any time you like. For aspiring writers like us, this is pure heaven on a stick. But in such a crowd of admirers, how can you stand out?

Here’s six surefire methods to spice up your comments so that your favorite authors will not only notice you, but give you the attention you deserve.

1) The first time you comment, jump right in and act like you’ve known the author for ages. Even better, give them a nickname, like “Sperkie.”

2) For your avatar, use a photo of the author’s dog. This way, whenever they see your comments, they will positively glow with love and want to give you treats.

3) Don’t hold back – brevity may be the soul of wit, but word count is the soul of comments. The author has given you plenty of space to post your thoughts, so unload all you like. In fact, go for multiple posts an hour, and watch their comment numbers reach new heights.

4) If someone else posts a comment and gets a laugh from the author, you must take them down. Ridicule their avatar. Go to their blog and mock their vacation photos. Authors love being fought over.

5) If they don’t reply to a question you asked, ask it again. And again. As in all writing endeavors, persistence pays. So do CAPITAL LETTERS.

6) Sooner or later – and it will happen – the author will send you your own private e-mail. Congratulations! You are now friends with a famous author! Writing buddies! Don’t be dismayed if they aren’t polite about it. In fact, the author may cloak their appreciation in words like “cease” and “desist.”

But don’t let that fool you – they're just testing your dedication. Every author has to go through multiple rejections before acceptance, and becoming BFF with your favorite author is totally worth all the extra effort.

47 comments:

Old Kitty said...

I agree!
:-)

Take care
x

Donna K. Weaver said...

ROFL You made my day.

Laura Marcella said...

Best post ever! I'm going to search for pictures of my favorite authors' pets now so I can make a collage as my new avatar. :)

Ted Cross said...

I always wondered why George R.R. Martin never responded to my question about how to write better fantasy.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That is hilarious!

Jenna Blake Morris said...

I love these!

Emily White said...

I completely agree. In fact, I've used these methods several times and now have several very lovely letters on sturdy, EXPENSIVE paper (yes, they DO go all out for me) from these authors' very own lawyers.

Hehehe! :P

Great post!

Lenny Lee* said...

hi mr matthew! i hope youre having a fun holiday.
hi mr clyde! for sure you got me laughing on this post. i like best the the dog idea. ha ha. have a fun weekend!
...hugs from lenny

Hart Johnson said...

*snort* Oh, brilliant. You don't suppose they put restraining orders on blogging profiles, do you?

Susan Kaye Quinn said...

LOL! Wait, is that what desist means? :)

Rebecca Kiel said...

Hilarious!

Cynthia Lee said...

Haha! Love it.

Kristen said...

GREAT IDEA! I DON'T HAVE A PARTICULAR FAVORITE AUTHOR (BECAUSE, HONESTLY, WHO HAS TIME TO READ BOOKS WHEN THERE ARE ALL THESE GREAT BLOGS AROUND?)

BUT I HAVE A COUPLE OF FAVORITE BLOGGERS WHO'S FREE CRITIQUES I'M AFTER. I WONDER IF YOUR TECHNIQUE WILL WORK WITH THEM? WILL GIVE IT A TRY.

THANKS FOR THE TIP ;).

Steph said...

this is hysterical. Enjoy your trip.

Michael Offutt said...

I think you stole this form the handbook of successful stalkers.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

When in doubt, a little online digging will lead you to their home address or where they shop. A little of:

"Hey! Hey! I love your blog! Did you read my comment the other day about the carrot and..."

will surely get his attention. Just hope he doesn't carry around pepper spray...

Bryan Russell said...

I always mention that I'm visiting their town RIGHT NOW, and I can come over and visit them in the blink of an eye - I even know the address, already.

Angie said...

ROFL =)

Joe said...

Mathew, you made me laugh this afternoon. I'm still smililng after reading the comments and all the riffs. Ha!

The Golden Eagle said...

It looks like need to ramble more often and so forth.

And, like, I can't believe the avatars around here. ;)

Laura M. Campbell said...

The beauty of cyber stalking. Whoops, social media. It let's you reach out and virtually touch someone.

I'm jealous about all the fun things you are doing on your trip, Matthew, but I do not envy the Pachouli oil. It always smells like wet dirt to me. Ugh!

Peggy Eddleman said...

Hahahahaha! That was AWESOME!

Janet Johnson said...

Best. Advice. Evah. :D

Jeffrey Beesler said...

I'm afraid I can't afford a best-selling friendship. That's because the world selling means that there is a price to be paid for my friendship, when really the truth is that I could never put a price on any of my friendships with my fellow bloggers. You people mean the world to me here in the Blogosphere.

Arlee Bird said...

On the surface that was one wacky post, but there was a lot of truth in it. Now I've got to figure out where that truth was. Maybe I need to read between the lines? Nah, I'll just make it up.

Lee
Tossing It Out

maine character said...

Thanks, everyone!

These are comments the way they should be - witty, sincere, supportive, and kind.

Sarah Pearson said...

Hey Matt, can I have a picture of your dog?

Shain Brown said...

Sarah, I'll send it to you. I still have it from the last time I watched his house when he was out of town. Let me know if you need any other pictures.

CherylAnne Ham said...

This made my day. Thanks for the laugh. :D

Rusty Webb said...

Ha! I'm taking notes. You should be selling this stuff, not giving it away for free.

K. M. Walton said...

Now that is fun-nee. I laughed out loud.

Sarah Pearson said...

Shain, you could chuck in the cats too... ;-)

LTM said...

YOU'RE SO DANG FUNNY! DID YOU KNOW THAT? oh... too bad, I see Kristen already called you on your sarcasm. Btw, I was meaning to drop you a line to see how the 9-day vacay was treatin you. Glad to see you're avoiding the hippies. Nicely done~ :o) <3

Jen said...

Too funny, MC! Love, Sperkie.

julie fedderson said...

This was great! Cyberstalking is an art form that is underappreciated.

Suzie F. said...

LOL! Great post, maine character!

ali said...

ROFLLLLLL!!!! the funniest thing I've read all day! Yay!

And I can't wait for the day someone calls me Sperkie.

Jessica Bell said...

Bahahha!!! Yeah, and it works too ;o)

L. Diane Wolfe said...

I've not had anyone act to that extreme - yet!

Jemi Fraser said...

Love it :)

Creepy Query Girl said...

bwahaha! This was great!

Chris Phillips said...

I am appalled by this post purely because it feels like this guy just observed my methods (which too years to perfect!) and then plagiarized them!

RaShelle said...

LOL! Very funny. LOL

L.G.Smith said...

Ha! Very funny, and great advice. I'm going to start following it immediately.

Thanks for the post, Sperkie. :)

Raquel Byrnes said...

LOL! I like the ridicule advice. Also, stalking them to get a picture of their dog int he first place is a great idea.
Edge of Your Seat Romance

M Pax said...

lol Fabulous tips, Sperkie.

Casey McCormick said...

Oh, Maine Character. You crack me up. : ) I've been wondering why my favorite authors ignore me. My tactics are ALL WRONG.