Let just get right to it, shall we?
Dear _______
I would suggest that you use the agent's name here. They prefer if you get their name right, and spell it correctly, too.
Hah! Just kidding.
After reviewing your interests I thought you might enjoy reading CONNECTED: THE KELVIERI'S BOOTS. It's YA science fiction and complete at 80,000 words. It's also the first in a series of three.
The jury will probably always be out on the question of whether housekeeping should come first or last. I am always going to tell people who ask for my advice that I think it should come at the end. Get right to the story; the story is really the only thing that matters in the end.
However, if you are truly submitting to an agent who makes it clear they want the housekeeping up front, then you're going to need more than this. "After reviewing your interests I thought you might enjoy" does not personalization make. If you're going to go that route you need to tell which books on their list made you come to this conclusion, and why. Personally I avoid those kind of comparisons, because they can be tricky, but if you're going to go there make sure you do it right.
Also, see this post, by Nathan Bransford, about how and when to mention series potential in a query.
Venus is from the planet Kelari. She's been training her whole life to one day be Queen of her land. On her sixteenth birthday, she receives her own pair of Kelvieri's Boots, a first step toward leadership and immortality. With these boots she'll need to take a journey to the Manshum Mountains, the home of her world's deities. There, the deities will complete her transformation and someday, when her parents concede the throne, she'll rule. It's a perfect plan and Venus expects her life to go accordingly.
Okay. Before I get to the advice, I want to say that this sounds really cool. You especially have a talent for coming up with great names. I'm terrible at it, so it always impresses me.
You've also got some things missing in this opening, though. Anytime a book is YA I'm going to tell the query writer to give us the protagonist's age. It's important because although YA may seem all encompassing, it really isn't. There's upper YA, lower YA, and several other things around, behind, and in-between. The other reason is that giving the age of a young character is a huge window to give us a look into who they are.
I would also like to hear a bit more about Venus' personality before we get to what's happening to her. Is she petulant? Wise beyond her years? Dumpy and nerdy, but with a heart of gold? It doesn't take much.
You get into the plot a little too quickly here, but once you do it gets good. There are fun things going on here, high stakes, exotic places. All that makes me interested in the story, but I soon get confused. Do these boots have power, or are they just symbolic? Why is immortality part of the bargain (not that it doesn't sound cool)? What exactly will the deities do, and what will she transform into?
Problem is, nothing ever goes as planned.
This is a cliché. It kind of works here, and you can get away with stuff like this because of YA voice sometimes, but I think you need to play with it some more if you're going to go this route. Maybe you could say "the best laid plans of Kelarian Princesses and their deities" ... I don't know. It's up to you.
Venus wakes wakes from what? on Earth, her Formytian here you go with the awesome names again (personal guard) with her and learns she's been accused of blasphemous crimes against their deities and for killing one of their planet’s sacred animals.
Whoa. What? This kind of comes out of the blue. How did she get to earth? What animal did she kill, and when did it happen? There's not necessarily anything wrong with this plot point, but you need to be specific and make it make sense so that the reader doesn't become lost.
And, while the deities didn't send her to Earth, They’ve did you capitalize this on purpose? like Him for God? That's kind of cool commanded her to complete a mission before They’ll listen to her side.
The mission: Help a human find his true love.
So they accused her of blasphemous crimes, but weren't the ones who banished her, and yet once they found out she was down there on earth, they hooked her up with a mission? If the point is to advance the plot until the mission, why is the animal killing and blasphemy and all that necessary? You might want to just start with the mission.
Easy, right?
Probably not.
That’s what Venus thinks until she meets him. Ethan. The kid’s a total ass who’s been kicked by love his whole life.
I get what you mean, but I'm not sure this is the best way to say this. Kicked around by love? Kicked when he's down by love?
With only one week until she dies from Earth’s atmosphere, she’s in the race of her life.
So she has a week to find someone to make out with Ethan? Does it end up being her? Either way I find this interesting.
But as princess, she must remember her motto:
LEAD. LOYALTY. LOVE.
Is this a family motto, or something she made up? I think you should change it to LEADERSHIP. LOYALTY. LOVE. Because as it is you've got a verb that could also be a noun (as in the dense metal, lead), a noun, and then a noun that is also a verb. I think it looks better if you just have three nouns, because then the first two make it clear you mean love as a noun, not a verb. Unless you don't, and that would be kind of hot. The love, not the lead.
I self-published a novel in 2009 entitled SLEEPING ROSES. Unless you sold at least 5000 copies, don't mention this. In 2010, I signed a contract with Canonbridge, LLC for an adult paranormal novel, DISTORTED. That contract has since been withdrawn. It was of mutual consent as the owner is struggling with many personal problems, and I wish her the best. Was this a contract negotiated by a literary agent with a traditional publishing house? If not I would skip this too. It doesn't add anything to your ability to tell this story, and this story is the only one that matters in this query.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first chapter and I look forward to hearing from you.
You've clearly got a very fun story on your hands here, RaShelle, and I think with a little work you get really get this query to shine. You've got a great sense of fun language, and there is good voice in places, but I think you need to avoid broad, sweeping statements, and get specific.
So there you have it. What do you guys think? Anything to add? Am I trippin?
