Katherine Camp Query Critique

If you don't know what's going on this week or you simply don't remember please see yesterday's post here. Otherwise here is the email I sent Katherine regarding her query:

I have to start by saying that I think your premise is awesome. I’m a real sucker for Fantasy and I wish I had the stones to write it. This is great because you have the most important part covered. If your idea sucks it doesn’t really matter how good your query, or even your pages, are. No one will care. You don’t have to worry about THAT.

This query could use SOME work, but you’re off to a really good start.

The other thing is that by writing Fantasy, even if not traditional High or Epic Fantasy, you’re making it a teeny bit harder on yourself. I’m not saying don’t do it, but make sure you research your agents because not only is the market already saturated when it comes to Fantasy, but Fantasy is a bit of a niche market to begin with.

I’m not an agent so don’t take my opinion for scripture but that is what I’m told (and why I’m too wimpy to write Fantasy, even if it is my favorite genre to read).

THE QUERY...

Of course first I have the "Dear (Agent's name)" and then I usually have a paragraph or two where I explain why I chose to query them, whether it is their blog or just their stated preferences on their website or a connection on Twitter. I left that out. The meat of the query is below:

That’s perfectly fine; it’s the meat that matters anyway. I will point out that there is a running debate about this. Personally I prefer to put housekeeping at the bottom. Janet Reid of Query Shark points out that you only have a few words to catch an agent’s interest. Make sure that those words are YOUR STORY, not something else. Personalization is important, and respectful, but it can come after the meat.

That being said, this is only my OPINION. If you like the business first it certainly can work. Even better than simply following my advice, see if you can find out which agents like it which way, then cater to their preferences.

Briand Varryda’s life is pretty grim. Her uncle hates her and wants to banish her from his household, the villagers won’t look her in the eye because she dresses like a boy and explores woods full of wolves and bloodthirsty unicorns, and the guards constantly try to beat her up because she beats them at their gambling games.

I think you need to separate this paragraph. You should try to have a pitch/hook that is one sentence. You can get away with two or three if the idea is complex (like my own query) but make sure to keep your first paragraph short. This is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of the query. If the agent likes your hook they will be biased toward liking the rest as well. If they don’t like the hook they may not even read on.

I would suggest this hook instead:

(Age or occupation) Briand Varryda leads a grim life fearing banishment from her uncle’s home. She is a courageous, resourceful tomboy but she endures the scorn of the villagers for braving the forest full of unknown magical creatures, and must constantly duck the fury of the guards after taking their gold in games of chance that have always felt like second nature to her.

This isn’t perfect either, and still too long, but you get the idea. I actually really like the idea of bloodthirsty evil unicorns, so you may have to work that back in, but think about this part hard, because it is huge.

Nobody thinks she’s worth anything at all except as a butt for jokes and a punching bag for fists. She’s pretty good with a knife and she can play cards like a man, but she doesn’t know how to make her uncle stop hating her or fix her screwed-up life long enough to avoid banishment to a backbreaking apprenticeship.

I would either cut this paragraph or incorporate it into the first. This doesn’t tell us anything new. It does go into a little more detail about who she is and why we should care, but you don’t have enough space/time to do this in this way. I get the sense she’s a bit of a rogue, but clever, which is awesome … it makes for a very compelling and sympathetic character, and that’s important, but conveying why we should care, pretty much needs to be one of, if not THE, first thing in a query.

Oh, and she can control dragons with her mind. She’s a dragon-sayer, an ancient power from an ancient time. A time before electricity, steamships, and airships.

This is actually really cool. It set’s up what kind of choices she’ll have the ability to make, and makes her even cooler, but this is out of place. I’m guessing she doesn’t know this in the beginning? I think you either need to reveal this sooner, or later, or you have to incorporate it when you introduce the conflict. Speaking of conflict you should have introduced it all ready. I have a rule about queries that may not be widely known but it works for me. Always make sure your query includes the 3 Cs, in this order: Character, Conflict, and Choice. Who is the character, and why should we care/like/connect with her? What is the Conflict she must endure? And what kind of Choice will she have to make to overcome it?

You can almost lay those three ideas out in three separate paragraphs and then be good. Of course it’s not QUITE that simple, but it’s important to keep in mind.

But Briand doesn’t exactly want this “gift.” It’s the reason both the tyrant Prince Cahan and his rival, Prince Jehn of the Monarchists, are looking for her. It’s the reason the Monarchists kidnap her. A war is coming, and the Monarchists know they cannot hope to defeat Prince Cahan’s airships without the help of the old magic from the far north—dragons.

Okay, well this is really cool, and I am now officially interested in your book, but this is too much. This is synopsis (sort of) stuff in my opinion. First of all this gets a bit confusing with the two princes and their forces.

Another rule I have which can’t work for everyone but does for me is don’t name anyone in the query but the MC. It gets too confusing. Introduce some other peeps, sure, and set up who they are and why they’ll matter, especially if they’re the antagonists, but make sure to keep it simple.

I should clarify. This is your main conflict, which is key, but try to simplify. Example:

Briand soon discovers her gift is more of a curse. The Monarchists of the north intend to overthrow the tyrant Prince’s airships with the help of a dragon army. Of course they can’t even begin to put this plan into action without a Dragon-Seer. Enter Briand, stage left.

The names of the two princes don't really matter in the query. It just makes it get confusing.

And for dragons, they need Briand.

I do kind of like how setting this apart makes it stand out, but you're already almost out of room, so you may just want to incorporate this.

But she’s no chosen one. Briand’s only a dragon-sayer by accident, and she’s just a ragged guttersnipe—not to mention the fact that she’s female. She’s not even close to the lordly young man the dragon-sayer was supposed to be. The Monarchists don’t like Briand, and Briand doesn’t like them. She’d rather knife them all in the back than help them. But the Monarchists weren’t exactly asking.

You can probably cut this whole paragraph. Not that it's poorly written or anything, it's pretty good, but most of it is repeated ideas that have already been laid out. The one new idea about Briand and the Monarchists being at odds might be good to include somewhere but you need to tighten all this up.

The Monarchists haul her to a fortress in the far north for safekeeping, and despite her best efforts, Briand finds herself befriending some of the members of the company. She even finds herself falling for the leader of the group, Kael. But she still doesn’t want to die for their cause, however noble it might be.

Now you're definitely getting into synopsis territory. This is too much and too long for a query. I mean this actually sounds like an awesome plot twist, and you can hint at the romance if you like in the query but you need to do it much more concisely.

When someone in their company betrays them to the enemy, and the monarchist refuge is burned, Briand and the rest must flee north to a place called the Stronghold to avoid being captured by the magical watchdogs of the prince, the Seekers, who slaughter whole villages and suck the thoughts from their victims’ minds. With the Seekers gaining on the group slowly, and a traitor in their midst, Briand has to learn how to handle her gift and call up a dragon before they’re all killed.

This is a decent summary of the final conflict, without giving away the ending, but you've already used too many words and paragraphs. Try to slim this all down to three main paragraphs that each covers one of those three main concepts: Main Character, Main Conflict, and Main Choice.

Although the Dragonsayer has both magic and dragons, I wouldn't think of it as a typical "S and S" fantasy or high fantasy. The story contains elements of historical fantasy as well as elements steampunk, blending dragons, castles, and swords with guns, clocks, and airships.

First of all I want to say that this genre bending concept is really freaking awesome. I would LOVE to read a book like this. However, I have no idea what S and S Fantsay means. Sword and Spell? I Googled it and got nothing. Still though, Steampunk crossed with Dragons and Bloodthirsty Unicorns? Epic win.

I have been writing seriously for two years now. I am not yet published.

You don't need this. Not mentioning any credits is fine if you have none.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Good.

Sincerely,

Katherine Camp

So, first of all in our correspondence Katherine pointed out to me that S and S means Sword and Sorcery, which I can't believe I couldn't figure out, but which totally makes sense.

Now, what I would like all of you to do is give her some more feedback, if you don't mind. Feel free to disagree with anything advice I gave her, as we all know that all of this is highly subjective and we accomplish the most by telling the absolute truth.

I think one of the main things that Katherine needs, after cutting for length and tightening up all these awesome plot points into 3 or 4 good, concise paragraphs, is a new hook/pitch. A new opening line that really pops. I'll share the first thing that popped into my head this morning, though I'll admit it's not amazing:

The Monarchists will need Dragons to defeat the Tyrant and his Airships, and for Dragons they'll need Briand.

What do you think? I bet most of you can come up with a better hook than that? Please share yours in the comments if anything comes to mind. Or any other feedback/questions/comments you may have for Katherine. This is all for nothing without some good back and forth discourse.