Tamara Walsh's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday, people. I'm getting started late today, because the UK has been blowing my phone up for two hours now. Anyway, here is Tamara's query, this time with my thoughts, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Luc’s childhood is destroyed the night his best friend, Auri, falls through a rip in the fabric of Trillua and disappears into a parallel world—ours world. Hmm. This is an unconventional opening, but I kind of like it. If you could just preface this sentence with Luc's age, and maybe one adjective that describes his personality, I think you'd be in great shape. Luc soon discovers he’s still connected to Auri through his dreams. This is a cool concept, but somehow it feels like there should be a cooler way to present this. Maybe skip this line and reword the next to include the concept? In them he watches her grow from a lost, lonely child into a beautiful sixteen year old girl who doesn’t trust anyone. When the leaders of Trillua discover a way to travel to Earth, Luc risks banishment from the home and family he loves to hijack a spot on their Mission and rescue Auri. But when he arrives, Auri doesn't remember Luc or Trillua. She’s built a new life for herself--one that includes a baby foster brother and sister she's determined to take care of. Okay. I know from talking to you that this is a dual POV story, and I get that that makes for a tough query. But I know you've decided to focus on Luc, even if it's a tough choice, because neither character is really dominant. So, that being said, I think you can skip this last sentence about Auri. I know it's important to the story, but it's kind of muddying up the query right now.

Luc has one month before the Portal back home closes again--one month to convince Auri she belongs with him. But as the clock ticks down, the leaders of Trillua realize that Luc's proximity to Auri has somehow made him faster, stronger and almost invulnerable to pain or injury. Luc's unheard of powers are too much like magic--something punishable by death in his world. The leaders demand he immediately Portal home to be examined as a potential danger to Trillua. Forcing Auri to travel before she accepts the truth of her forgotten past could destroy her mind, but the leaders have threatened to exile Luc's family into the treacherous Outerlands if he doesn't return. Now Luc must choose. Abandon the girl he was born to love, or save the family who’s depending on him for their survival?

I don't know. My readers may disagree, and maybe I'm tired, or confused, but I can't find much wrong with this second paragraph. It's maybe a little long, and the writing is maybe a little wordy in places, but as far as query related content goes, you've covered the bases most excellently here, I think. I mean you've got a clear sense of conflict, and this tough choice summarized so well at the end is one of the best I've ever seen. I guess some plots are just made for queries.

The World Next Door THE WORLD NEXT DOOR is a YA light sci-fi romance with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I believe it would appeal to fans of Alyson Noel’s Immortal Immortal series. If you're going to use comparisons, I recommend trying to word them a little more subtly. I can't think of an example, but maybe if you mention something specific about the style of the Immortal series ... I think it sounds better when you do it that way. Read my successful query examples (link), and I'm sure you'll find one that does it that way.

I’ve written twenty-five articles for the local paper, the GA Harbor Sound (The GA Harbor Sound) and been published in Woman's World Magazine Woman’s World Magazine. Thanks for your time and consideration! I look forward to hearing back from you.

Just a quick note: in query letter's WORKING TITLES of unpublished manuscripts are written in ALL CAPS. Title of Published Works (articles, short stories, novels, and the names of the publications, magazines, or papers they were published in) should be Italicized.

Sincerely,

Tamara Walsh

Okay, a quick summary, because it's now 9 AM, and I need to get this posted: I think this query is already in great shape. If you can open with a stronger sense of character, clarify a couple things about the inciting incident, and then reword your housekeeping paragraph at the end ever so slightly, I think you'd be cruising along nicely.

That's it.

What do you all think? Anything I've said you disagree with? Please share your feedback in the comments.