Colene Murphy's Current Query Critiqued

Before we get started: ITALIA! AZZURRI!!! Balotelli! Yes, my Italians beat Germany yesterday, in a heart-stoppingly exciting match. It ended up 2-1, but Germany's only goal was on a bogus PK, and both Italia's goals were scored by our young, up and coming star, Mario Balotelli (who is of African descent). He had pretty much been a non-factor up until yesterday's game, so it was extremely satisfying to watch him prove his worth.

Now let's get to work. I'm going on vacation next week. I'll be working on Monday, so I may post then, but after that the blog will probably be offline for at least a week. My sister is getting married in the Berkshires, and I'll be flying my family up to Boston, and meeting the likes of Sarah Fine, Anna Stanizewski, Kristen Wixted, Heather Kelly, and Chelsey Blair.

So that's it for news, really. Let's get to Colene's query. My thoughts will be in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Damaris may have the power to steal human souls, but she isn't happy about it. I'm a bit confused. On the one hand, I kind of like this, assuming it's tongue in cheek, but on the other hand, I'm not sure it's obvious enough. I mean what sixteen-year-old would be happy about the ability to steal human souls? A direct descendant of Death, Damaris doesn't share her parents' beliefs that her kind, Ankou, are inherently evil. This is better. A bit of character, a bit of world-building, and a touch of conflict. Or that the only way they can gain access to Heaven is by killing humans and stealing their souls. Killing and stealing souls? I can see why she wouldn't be happy about that. Worse, she's been shipped off to boarding school because of her rebellion, leaving her younger sister, Genie, alone under her parents' murderous influence. Interesting. I went to boarding school, so I'm all about stories that include it, and I think you've set up some decent stakes here, and I'm interested to see where it goes.

But over summer break, Damaris has a chance to show Genie another way of life, put an end to all the senseless deaths, and, hopefully, start a chain reaction to change the rest of her kind. I like the concept of her rebelling, but I would like to see some specifics. How is she going to show Genie another way of life? How can she put an end to the deaths and what kind of chain reaction will it start? I get it that you don't want to give everything away in a query, but when you think about it, this last sentence doesn't tell us that much. Her parents have other ideas, however. If Damaris doesn’t make a kill, they’ll disown her. Of course, that’s if somebody doesn’t get to Damaris and her family first. I don't think you need to name her again. She's a member of her family, and you've named her three times in this paragraph.

Someone is stalking Damaris, stalking, or trying to kill? car and mail bombs popping up at every turn. If she isn't able to find out his or her identity soon, more than Genie's future will be lost, and escaping back to boarding school will no longer be an option. I like this. Conflict, stakes, and mystery. Well done. With everything falling in in? Or apart? Or down? Maybe collapsing? around her, Damaris must decide: go against everything she believes about the value of life and use her powers to save her sister, or admit defeat and let her deadly heritage carry on. Seems the life of a daughter of Death has just gotten way too complicated. Excellent choice. Well done summing up.

CALLING DEATH is a 64,000 word YA paranormal with series potential. (more agenty-personalized stuff if I can place any.)

So. In summary, as I said yesterday, I think this query is already quite good. The ending in particular carries some zing. What needs the most work, I think, is the opening hook. It's tough, I know, but we need to get a better sense of Damaris' character, and it would be nice to get a slightly better sense of the world. Do they live on earth? In hell? Somewhere else? I like how the kids seem to get to live a mostly normal life while they're young, and I think that's a cool premise, but I'd like to see some more specifics about how it all works.

Your middle paragraph is better. It raises the stakes, and introduces what looks like some great conflict, but again, it's a little vague. I basically said it all in my in text notes, but the point is, don't just tell us: this important thing happens, and then this important thing follows, show us what they are (without going into so much detail you need another hundred words).

Your final paragraph is pretty good, I think, I except for the points I mentioned. 

So that's it.

What do you all think? Wish you were going on vacation? I bet.

Colene Murphy's Current Query

Do you all know Colene? She's awesome, and she blogs at The Journey. Go on and follow her, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Now here's her query:

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Damaris may have the power to steal human souls, but she isn't happy about it. A direct descendant of Death, Damaris doesn't share her parents' beliefs that her kind, Ankou, are inherently evil. Or that the only way they can gain access to Heaven is by killing humans and stealing their souls. Worse, she's been shipped off to boarding school because of her rebellion, leaving her younger sister, Genie, alone under her parents' murderous influence.

But over summer break, Damaris has a chance to show Genie another way of life, put an end to all the senseless deaths, and, hopefully, start a chain reaction to change the rest of her kind. Her parents have other ideas, however. If Damaris doesn’t make a kill, they’ll disown her. Of course, that’s if somebody doesn’t get to Damaris and her family first.

Someone is stalking Damaris, car and mail bombs popping up at every turn. If she isn't able to find out his or her identity soon, more than Genie's future will be lost, and escaping back to boarding school will no longer be an option. With everything falling in around her, Damaris must decide: go against everything she believes about the value of life and use her powers to save her sister, or admit defeat and let her deadly heritage carry on. Seems the life of a daughter of Death has just gotten way too complicated.

CALLING DEATH is a 64,000 word YA paranormal with series potential. (more agenty-personalized stuff if I can place any.)

That's it.

Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Cole for sharing in the comments!

Jericha Senyak's Current Query Critiqued

All righty then. We're back with Jericha's query letter, this time with my thoughts, in red. Let's get right to it.

The query:

Dear [Agent Name],

Somewhere in the heart of in a nameless city falling slowly into the sea, George Kepler, a shy bookbinder, is sitting sits in his attic with his books. I really like this. I mean sure, it's unconventional for a query, it's immediately even more present than the normal present tense query, but it's also beautiful writing, poetic, and oh so unique. He lives alone. He reads the books he binds. He doesn't have adventures. He dreams of geometry and harmonies and devils in the chimney. Did you leave commas out of this sentence on purpose? For rhythm? It's fine if you did, just make sure it's on purpose. He drinks coffee. He sighs a lot. He wonders if there is anyone left who remembers to praise the works of God but him. He wonders if maybe love's a better option (at least it's companionable). A better option than what? His ruminations? And love of whom? He chronicles the marvelous workings of the cosmos meticulously each evening, and wonders why divinity seems so very far away. I love that a character named Kepler ponders the cosmos. Feels like a lovely tribute to Johannes.

So, you're opening hook and paragraph are pretty moving. They break pretty much all the query rules, but the writing is so gorgeous, I think it works. You really set the setting up beautifully, and we know a lot about George's character from the things he surrounds himself with, but I think we need more about who he is. For one thing, I was picturing a somewhat elderly man, until the first sentence of the next paragraph. So maybe you could call him a young bookbinder, or, you know, somehow otherwise hint at his age. Then, it might be nice to have one or two words to describe his personality. We can infer a lot about his character from his profession, and the things he does with his time, but just a little more about the kind of man he is before his story begins would help.

But just when he finds himself distracted by the black eyes of his local barista, Lilya, a peach of a girl with sharp elbows and an obligatory dose of snide, two strangers come a-knocking who know a lot more about him than they should. Love this. Potential romance and mystery/conflict? Yes, please. Before he knows it, they've whirled George out of his sleepy life of prayer and sent him on a series of harebrained and beautiful adventures. As he pursues an unseen Klezmer orchestra through a driving snowstorm, falls off cliffs, uncovers the unlikely friendship of a Danish alchemist and a famous mystic rabbi , stumbles across a secret synagogue, and discovers a forgotten manuscript that might just be about the Golem, he's left with hardly any time to ask himself - are his new friends fun-loving fools, or are they after something? I'm teetering on undecided about all this. I mean it's lots of fun, and full of quirk, but I wonder how well it will work at enticing agents. It's a long sentence, and mentions a lot of cool sounding things, but it doesn't really give a strong sense of what the central conflict is. You usually want to convey a sense of what difficulty your MC will have to overcome. This feels like a lot of little trials, but you need at least one big one too. Are they angels sent from God or a pair of tricksy demons? Is he having the time of his life or beginning to lose his mind? Does Lilya think he's nuts or a just lovable schlemiel? And did he leave the front door hanging open? Hah! The rest of this is hard to decide about too. It's generally a bad idea to ask questions in a query, but somehow, I think you make this work. The Yiddish, and the humor, and the dichotomy of George's situation really finish this up with so much entertaining voice.

I'll talk about this more when I summarize, but this paragraph continues the theme of the first, which is somewhat along the lines of style over substance. I don't mean that in a bad way, because the writing is so good I'm guessing you'll get requests based on it alone, but you do need to keep in mind that at this point, I still don't really know what happens in this story.

A Fool For God A FOOL FOR GOD is an old-fashioned mystical romp, a brooding Eastern European meditation on belief thrust into a San Franciscan carnival of merry drunken adjectives. It's one part G.K. Chesterton and one part Bernard Malamud, the lovechild of a fantastical Christian allegory and an old Jewish folktale birthed on a festive night in the back alleys of a city that just might be your own. Hmm. It's done so well I almost want to say keep this, but it's generally a bad idea to tell an agent what your story is. Show them, through your query, and through your pages, and then let them decide for themselves. Complete at 70,000 words, it's a work of literary fiction for the wonderers and wanderers in us all.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Jericha Senyak

This rest of this is good. So let's summarize. Your writing is so gorgeous, I think that if you left this query as is, you would probably get requests based on your writing alone, especially from agents who accept the first five pages along with the letter. In other words, this query is already very good, and I don't think you'd have to change anything for it to work.

But you came to me asking for help, and I do think there is room for improvement. Try to see if you can focus. Think about the three Cs that are the fundamental basis of most query letters: Character, Conflict, Choice. We have a decent sense of George's character, but we could use a little more up front. The first C needs the least work. You have lots of little (clever, funny, and brilliant) bits of minor conflict, and we can guess at something bigger, but you should avoid being vague in a query if at all possible. Is there something bigger behind this journey? Who are these strangers? It's okay to get very specific in a query. You don't want to keep things a mystery (except - don't give away the end). Finally, we don't have a sense of a difficult Choice George will have to make in order to overcome whatever the main conflict is. Sure, he asks himself some great questions, and there are some choices included there, but most queries include one tough, over-arching decision that summarizes how hard it's going to be for the MC to achieve his goals.

So the point of all this is - you're an amazing writer. Your way with words alone will probably sell this MS to a lot of agents, but if you want to improve this query, to really tighten it, you need to think about how to get even more specific about your story. You do have a lot of clear, specific details, and that's good, but they don't really connect to the main storyline - if that makes any sense.

That's it.

What do you all think? Ever seen a query with so much beautiful writing, and such a unique voice? Do you agree that it needs to be tightened, or do you think I'm off the mark?

Please share your feedback in the comments.

Jericha Senyak's Current Query

Morning, QQQEers. Man, I'm tired. Rolling out of bed at 5 AM seems to do that to me. Anyway, today I have Jericha Senyak's query on the blog. You may not know her. I only met her a few weeks ago, but she has a really creative blog at The Museum of Joy. Go on, go follow her blog. I'll wait.

Back? Great.

Here's her query:

Dear [Agent Name],

Somewhere in the heart of in a nameless city falling slowly into the sea, George Kepler, a shy bookbinder, is sitting in his attic with his books. He lives alone. He reads the books he binds. He doesn't have adventures. He dreams of geometry and harmonies and devils in the chimney. He drinks coffee. He sighs a lot. He wonders if there is anyone left who remembers to praise the works of God but him. He wonders if maybe love's a better option (at least it's companionable). He chronicles the marvelous workings of the cosmos meticulously each evening, and wonders why divinity seems so very far away.

But just when he finds himself distracted by the black eyes of his local barista, Lilya, a peach of a girl with sharp elbows and an obligatory dose of snide, two strangers come a-knocking who know a lot more about him than they should. Before he knows it, they've whirled George out of his sleepy life of prayer and sent him on a series of harebrained and beautiful adventures. As he pursues an unseen Klezmer orchestra through a driving snowstorm, falls off cliffs, uncovers the unlikely friendship of a Danish alchemist and a famous mystic rabbi , stumbles across a secret synagogue, and discovers a forgotten manuscript that might just be about the Golem, he's left with hardly any time to ask himself - are his new friends fun-loving fools, or are they after something? Are they angels sent from God or a pair of tricksy demons? Is he having the time of his life or beginning to lose his mind? Does Lilya think he's nuts or a just lovable schlemiel? And did he leave the front door hanging open?

A Fool For God is an old-fashioned mystical romp, a brooding Eastern European meditation on belief thrust into a San Franciscan carnival of merry drunken adjectives. It's one part G.K. Chesterton and one part Bernard Malamud, the lovechild of a fantastical Christian allegory and an old Jewish folktale birthed on a festive night in the back alleys of a city that just might be your own. Complete at 70,000 words, it's a work of literary fiction for the wonderers and wanderers in us all.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Jericha Senyak

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Jericha for sharing her query in the comments.

Pirlo and the Azzurri

They really haven't done anything that impressive yet, and they're going to face a real challenge against the German side on Thursday, but I would still like to congratulate my Azzuri, and especially Andrea Pirlo, on a hard fought victory yesterday.

They dominated the English for two full hours, and things were not looking good when the second penalty shot went wide, but it all worked out in the end.

Now, happy writing, everyone!

Jeff O'Handley's Current Query Critiqued

Before we get started, let me point you to a guest post I wrote for Misha Gericke. Her two blogs, Taking Charge of My Life, and My First Book, are both worth visiting and following, even when I'm not making an appearance. It's an appropriate post for today too, somewhat, because she asked me to write about queries. Back now? Great, let's get to work on Jeff's query. My feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear Agent,

For high school senior Chris Burke(,) life has never been better. He's college bound, more popular than ever, and finally ready to tell best friend Madison Cooper how he really feels. This opening is good, in the sense that it's full of setting, provides some backstory, and sets up some potential for both romance and conflict (if Madison doesn't feel the same), but if you examine it closely, you'll see that it's all about what happens to Chris (and what he might do about it) but doesn't tell us anything about who Chris is. We need a strong sense of character, right up front, so that we know who Chris is, and why we should care about what happens to him. But when long-time nemesis James LaValle is it key to name this character? Glancing through the rest of the query, I'm not sure. takes his feud with Chris too far and kills Madison's dog, Chris kills or murders? This is kind of critical, because we need to know what the circumstance is. Self-defense is one thing. Accidental manslaughter, another. And pre-meditated (if justified) murder, a third. James and loses everything but his life. Other than the things I've mentioned, this whole opening paragraph is pretty good. I mean it certainly ends with a shock, and makes it clear how high the stakes of your conflict are.

Thirty years later, Chris has paid his debt to society and is a free man. Whoa. Okay. I'm not sure about this. Your opening paragraph usually introduces the character as they are when the stories occurs, and then the inciting incident that begins the conflict in your story. In this tale, the character is Chris as a middle-aged man, and the inciting incident is him being released from prison. I'm not saying this unique set-up won't work, it could, but you're definitely breaking the rules of standard query writing here. Now a counselor for troubled teens, is this the kind of job convicted felons are usually allowed to have? he leads a quiet, anonymous life, shared with his parents and a few close friends, and that's good enough for him. Until Madison calls. I like this. A new angle, a new option for tension and conflict. My only problem: this is kind of where your story begins. You've spent almost two full paragraphs telling about everything that happens before your story even started.

Madison needs Chris to help her come to grips with her lingering guilt over her role in James' death and the testimony that helped put Chris in prison. Her unexpected return brings old memories to the surface and, with them, feelings Chris buried long ago. Seeing her, he realizes not all prisons come with barred doors and wire-topped walls: the past can hold you as securely as any penitentiary. And it doesn't grant parole. The rest of this final paragraph is pretty good. A little vague, a little cliche-ish, but it also has some good voice, and hints at Chris having to make some tough decisions.

Complete at 93,000 words, PARALLEL LIVES is a work of literary/commercial fiction. Its past/present narrative traces Chris' changing relationship with Madison, his inevitable collision with James, and his struggle to reintegrate into a society unwilling to forget. Whoa. All right, I guess the rest of your query makes more sense now. I'll talk about this in my summary. A story of friendship, forgiveness, and taking ownership of the past, it might appeal to readers who enjoyed HOTEL ON THE CORNER OF BITTER AND SWEET and THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. This is good.

Okay, in summary: your query has some strong points. It's written cleanly, with strong, direct language, and it's clear that there is a powerful story here, with plenty of potential for conflict, tension, and difficult, painful decisions.

Now, things are going to get subjective. I'm not exactly sure how you should rework this. For me, overall, the query isn't working. I think the reason is that reading the meat of the query, the part that describes the story, before we get to the housekeeping details, I get one impression of what the story is about, that it covers one part of Chris' life, but then at the end, in the housekeeping, I find out that's not the case at all. I'm concerned an agent would not like that kind of surprise.

But, that could easily be my subjective opinion. I wonder if maybe it would work better with the housekeeping info coming first? I know, I usually suggest against that, but if I knew about the "past/present narrative" up front, the meat of the story section of the query would probably work better for me. If that was the case, many of the things I tripped over or suggested changing might work much better.

The notes I place in the body of the query are what comes to my mind as I'm reading, so I'm thinking that maybe if you re-ordered everything, this would all make more sense?

Let's see what my readers think.

That's it.

Man. This one was tough. The details are solid, in the sense that even in spite of my confusion, I can still see a powerful story underneath. I just got lost in the chronology, and I'm concerned some agents might have the same problem. What do you all think? Did you have to go back and read anything again yesterday for it to make sense? Do you think the housekeeping details coming first would help?

Jeff O'Handley's Current Query

Do you all know Jeff? Better known as JeffO? He has a blog at The Doubting Writer, which you should definitely visit and follow. He also has an awesome mustache. Back? Excellent.

Here's his query:

Dear Agent,

For high school senior Chris Burke life has never been better. He's college bound, more popular than ever, and finally ready to tell best friend Madison Cooper how he really feels. But when long-time nemesis James LaValle takes his feud with Chris too far and kills Madison's dog, Chris kills James and loses everything but his life.

Thirty years later, Chris has paid his debt to society and is a free man. Now a counselor for troubled teens, he leads a quiet, anonymous life, shared with his parents and a few close friends, and that's good enough for him. Until Madison calls.

Madison needs Chris to help her come to grips with her lingering guilt over her role in James' death and the testimony that helped put Chris in prison. Her unexpected return brings old memories to the surface and, with them, feelings Chris buried long ago. Seeing her, he realizes not all prisons come with barred doors and wire-topped walls: the past can hold you as securely as any penitentiary. And it doesn't grant parole.

Complete at 93,000 words, PARALLEL LIVES is a work of literary/commercial fiction. Its past/present narrative traces Chris' changing relationship with Madison, his inevitable collision with James, and his struggle to reintegrate into a society unwilling to forget. A story of friendship, forgiveness, and taking ownership of the past, it might appeal to readers who enjoyed HOTEL ON THE CORNER OF BITTER AND SWEET and THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

That's it.

Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Jeff in the comments for sharing his query with us.

Elaine Vickers' Current Query Critiqued

Welcome back for hump day. This is going to be a tough one, so let's just crack right on. My feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear AGENT,

Eleven-year-old Isaac Sanchez has never belonged anywhere or mattered to anyone. But he’s only a little bitter—like dark chocolate, not like Brussels sprouts. THIS is how you open a query. Not only does it tell us loads about our character (and why we should care about his story), but it does so in very few words, and is full of voice. As most of you know, I do suggest avoiding em-dashes in queries, because of what email clients can do to the formatting, but this hook is so good I don't think it matters. Mostly he’s just lonely and lost. When the mom who abandoned him as a baby comes back and begs for another chance, Isaac struggles to adapt to a whole new life with a whole new family. The rest of this opening is good, I mean the content is certainly full of stakes and conflict, but I feel like it's missing the execution of the previous two sentences. Surely Isaac's mother isn't begging him? Does he not have some new guardians of some kind? It may not be that important to the plot, but it gave me pause, and left me wondering exactly what the conflict is here, and who all is involved.

Then Isaac receives an old copy of Isaac Newton's Principia Mathematica and discovers that he has more in common with the greatest scientist in history than just first names: a father who died before he was born (check), a mother who left him with his grandparents and started another family (check), and a crummy history of being the smallest, most picked-on kid in the neighborhood (check and check). I don't know if you can follow up an opening hook any better than this. It's fun, it's full of voice and cheek, and it introduces so much important info you can basically ignore my note above about Isaac's guardians. All of the things that made him feel insignificant now convince Isaac that he is destined to become super rich, rock-star famous, and one of the greatest geniuses of all time. Why? I like the concept, but why does he come to that conclusion? If it's because he seems himself as being like Newton, I think you can say that. If it's something else, well ...

Isaac decides to follow in Newton’s footsteps. He gets pet mice, wears red every day, shuns his new family, tries to spook the neighbors by flying glowing kites after dark, and uses Newton's favorite fruit (apples, of course) for a projectile experiment that goes horribly wrong. He even solves the secret code his dad wrote in the margins of Principia. But his most surprising discovery of all is that he may be able to forgive his mom and care about his sisters, and they might care about him too. When Isaac's experiments cause a life-threatening accident, he must decide whether his "destiny" is worth the price. Does he really want to turn out like Newton anyway? This is still very good, but this ending is the weakest part of your query. It's not bad at all, but it lacks the strength of your first two paragraphs. There are several ways you could do this differently, and I'm not sure which is best. For one thing, I would suggest not ending with a question. For another, I would suggest you could be more specific about what his experiment is, and how exactly it threatens someone's life. If this is the absolute climax of your novel, that doesn't belong in a query, but if it isn't, you don't want to be vague at all.

DISCOVERING ISAAC (42,000 words) I'm not sure how I feel about this word count in parentheses bit. It's not a huge deal, but you could easily word it to remove them. is a contemporary middle grade novel this should all be capitalized, and technically, it's not a novel until it's published. Call it a manuscript in your query, or just leave the word novel out. that contains sneaky bits of physics, history, and biology. I heart this part so hard. I am querying you with this project because [agent personalization here].

My previous publications include a story in the children’s magazine The Friend published works should be italicized (February 2011) and a collaboration with [author's name and bestselling novel title] (The Moms’ Club Diaries, Spring Creek Book Company, 2008 again, italicize) as well as several scientific papers in some of the nation’s top chemistry journals. (These are every bit as riveting as you’d imagine.) I love this too, but the period should go outside the parenthesis, and the parenthetical aside should not be separated from the sentence it modifies. I currently teach chemistry at Southern Utah University and am a member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and your consideration.

Sincerely,

Elaine Vickers

Well. This query is about as close to perfect as you can get. I don't know who told you you needed help with this, but they were trippin (just kidding, CPs).

Your opening two paragraphs - I'm not sure I would change a thing. I know I complained about the final sentence of your opening hook during the post, but you explain it so well in the next paragraph, I think it works. Maybe just the final line of your second paragraph. See if you can re-word it for just a bit more clarity.

Your final summary paragraph is also still really good. The problems in it wouldn't have stood out at all if the rest of your query wasn't so amazing. The only problem I have is the vagueness of your final summary of the conflict. Isaac experiments with something, we don't know what it is (unless it's the same experiment as the apples, which isn't clear), but we have a vague sense that it somehow threatens someone's life. Clarify. Also, instead of closing with a question, word it like this: "Isaac must decide whether he really wants to follow in his hero's footsteps, or if the lives of the people he's come to care about are more important." Or something like that. The problem with that choice is that it seems like an easy one. We need to know why giving up on his hero is so tough (we can infer from his backstory that it's important enough to him, but is it worth risking lives?).

That's it.

Man. This is the hardest one I've done in a while. It's so much easier when they need more work. What do you guys think? Is there still room for a little improvement?

Elaine Vickers' Current Query

Back to the grind. Today I have Elaine's current query. You can find her blog, here. For now, let's get to

the letter:

Dear AGENT,

Eleven-year-old Isaac Sanchez has never belonged anywhere or mattered to anyone. But he’s only a little bitter—like dark chocolate, not like Brussels sprouts. Mostly he’s just lonely and lost. When the mom who abandoned him as a baby comes back and begs for another chance, Isaac struggles to adapt to a whole new life with a whole new family.

Then Isaac receives an old copy of Isaac Newton's Principia Mathematica and discovers that he has more in common with the greatest scientist in history than just first names: a father who died before he was born (check), a mother who left him with his grandparents and started another family (check), and a crummy history of being the smallest, most picked-on kid in the neighborhood (check and check). All of the things that made him feel insignificant now convince Isaac that he is destined to become super rich, rock-star famous, and one of the greatest geniuses of all time.

Isaac decides to follow in Newton’s footsteps. He gets pet mice, wears red every day, shuns his new family, tries to spook the neighbors by flying glowing kites after dark, and uses Newton's favorite fruit (apples, of course) for a projectile experiment that goes horribly wrong. He even solves the secret code his dad wrote in the margins of Principia. But his most surprising discovery of all is that he may be able to forgive his mom and care about his sisters, and they might care about him too. When Isaac's experiments cause a life-threatening accident, he must decide whether his "destiny" is worth the price. Does he really want to turn out like Newton anyway?

DISCOVERING ISAAC (42,000 words) is a contemporary middle grade novel that contains sneaky bits of physics, history, and biology. I am querying you with this project because [agent personalization here].

My previous publications include a story in the children’s magazine The Friend (February 2011) and a collaboration with [author's name and bestselling novel title] (The Moms’ Club Diaries, Spring Creek Book Company, 2008) as well as several scientific papers in some of the nation’s top chemistry journals. (These are every bit as riveting as you’d imagine.) I currently teach chemistry at Southern Utah University and am a member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and your consideration.

Sincerely,

Elaine Vickers

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Elaine for sharing this with us.

Debate: The Book Thief

I'm doing something (hopefully) interesting today. I'm posting both at Project Middle Grade Mayhem, and at Young Adult Confidential, arguing that The Book Thief is both a MG and a YA Novel.

Why, you ask? Because. Because it's a question that ran through my head while I was reading it, and because it's an important conversation to have about books. So please visit, read and comment.

And you'll notice I did some interesting things with the posts too. Like featuring two different covers of the book (three if you count this post). Anyway, go on, click those links and let us know what you think!

Jackie Layton's Current Query Critiqued

Here we are. It's Friday, and who doesn't love the smell of critique in the morning? Right? Am I right? No? Okay, well let's get to work anyway. My feedback will be in red.

The letter:

Dear ______,

What if a beloved member of your family couldn’t get their life-saving medication because of a conspiracy?

No. Don't ask questions in query letters. Especially not rhetorical questions. There are a lot of sources on the internet that talk about why, one of the best being Nathan Bransford, but basically, the reason is that you don't want an agent reading your query to actually answer these kinds of questions in their head. Let's consider some of the potential answers to this question:

"I'd kill myself, but then there wouldn't be much of a story."

"I'd go on a rampage, ala Michael Douglas in Falling Down, and really eff up the establishment - is this going to be that kind of story?"

"I'd sue. It'd be just like John Grisham's The Client, which is going to make this manuscript a tough sell."

See how rhetorical questions can cause problems? Don't ask an agent to figure out what your story is about, show them.

Lacy Williams moved to Lexington, Kentucky to live close to her diabetic grandmother. Queries are often written in present tense, but there's no rule that says you can't use past. That being said, I'd like to know more about who Lacy is, before we start to hear about what happened to her. The plan was to spend a few days settling into her apartment before starting a new job. Upon her arrival she finds Nonna, her grandmother, passed out in the bedroom. Passed out sounds a little weak to me. Unconscious? Comatose? Rushed to the hospital, Lacy learned her grandmother stopped taking her diabetes medicine, Diamet. Is this a real brand name drug? If so, you might want to consider using a made up one.

This isn't a bad opening. Your inciting incident is certainly tense, traumatic, and full of the potential for conflict, but I think this would all sound better in present tense. For example "After being rushed to the hospital, holding her grandmother's hand in the back of an ambulance, Lacy discovers her grandmother stopped taking ..."

Although, I should point out, if Nonna stopped taking her meds voluntarily, that kind of defuses the conflict, doesn't it? I thought we were looking at some kind of big insurance company refused to pay type of story. I'll be interested to see where this goes.

Also, to get back to your opening hook, we need to know more about Lacy. Who is she? A 24-year-old recent pre-law grad? A 19-year-old high school grad hayseed who's decided to enter the work force? Telling us more about her character up front will ensure we care about her story.

Lacy’s fiery temper is resurrected from childhood as she learns that a law firm contacted Nonna claiming Diamet causes bladder cancer. Is is a present tense verb. Queries sound better in present tense, so I suggest you change it all to match. Lacy finds Blake Thompson, Nonna’s personal attorney, and accuses him of sending the letter. He denies the accusation.

Once the letter is found, Lacy sees the law firm is based in Chicago. She wonders how they knew what medicine her grandmother took. In her quest for the truth, Lacy discovers a possible connection between the law firm and Nonna’s insurance company. Even though it’s hard to imagine, it’s a clue she feels must be pursued. You could almost cut this whole paragraph. Or distill it into one sentence. This query is long as is, so just give us the vital info.

Lacy begins a blog, Diamet Dilemma. Through comments left on the blog her belief in a conspiracy is strengthened. The only people she can find who received a personal letter from the law firm have the same insurance company as Nonna. You probably only need the last sentence on this one too. I mean the blog angle is interesting, and you might keep it if it features a lot in the novel, but otherwise all we really need to know is the confirmation of the conspiracy.

Trusting no one, cut but each other, Lacy and Blake decide to work together to discover the truth. Why would she trust him? I thought all evidence pointed to his firm? Their lives are threatened, and others die as they search for answers. The conspiracy trickles down from Chicago, to Lacy’s neighbor, and a link to Blake’s law firm. A further link? Together they learn to trust God and each other to survive. Whoa. That kind of came out of nowhere. Is this Christian fiction?

Blake mapped out his life at a young age, and Lacy doesn’t figure into his plans. You're switching POVs here. I don't necessarily have a fundamental problem with bringing romance in, but you've got to do it from Lacy's POV. He never knows what to expect when she’s around, but he realizes she’s brought life into his dull and predictable world. Lacy hadn’t planned to fall in love, but time after time Blake is there for her. If they can survive, they may find themselves facing the biggest adventure of their lives. May or do? Because if it's only may, there might not be much of a story here. And if people are dying, I'd say it's do.

The completed 60,000 word manuscript is targeted for Love Inspired Suspense I'd never heard of this genre, but apparently it's popular at Harlequin.com and is available upon request. Thank you for your time.

Okay, so to summarize, you've got the bones of a good story beneath this. You just need to bring a few things to the front.

First and foremost, Lacy. Who is she? Why should we care about her? Present us with her character right up front, and everything that follows will automatically be more interesting.

Second, but equally important, your conflict. We can figure it out, which is good, but you need to clarify and heighten it. It's muddied up by a lot of side details we don't need, and you want to get right to it.

Finally, there should be a difficult decision at the end. Also, if the romance is an important part, you might want to introduce it a bit earlier in the query.

That's it.

What do you all think?

Jackie Layton's Current Query

Man, it's been a crazy week. But I'm back at work now, and it's time to get back to our bread and butter. So here's another query letter. This one comes from Jackie Layton, whose blog, Back Porch Reflections, is definitely worth a visit and a follow.

Go on, I'll wait.

Back? Great.

Here's the query letter:

Dear ______,

What if a beloved member of your family couldn’t get their life-saving medication because of a conspiracy?

Lacy Williams moved to Lexington, Kentucky to live close to her diabetic grandmother. The plan was to spend a few days settling into her apartment before starting a new job. Upon her arrival she finds Nonna, her grandmother, passed out in the bedroom. Rushed to the hospital, Lacy learned her grandmother stopped taking her diabetes medicine, Diamet.

Lacy’s fiery temper is resurrected from childhood as she learns that a law firm contacted Nonna claiming Diamet causes bladder cancer. Lacy finds Blake Thompson, Nonna’s personal attorney, and accuses him of sending the letter. He denies the accusation.

Once the letter is found, Lacy sees the law firm is based in Chicago. She wonders how they knew what medicine her grandmother took. In her quest for the truth, Lacy discovers a possible connection between the law firm and Nonna’s insurance company. Even though it’s hard to imagine, it’s a clue she feels must be pursued.

Lacy begins a blog, Diamet Dilemma. Through comments left on the blog her belief in a conspiracy is strengthened. The only people she can find who received a personal letter from the law firm have the same insurance company as Nonna.

Trusting no one, but each other, Lacy and Blake decide to work together to discover the truth. Their lives are threatened, and others die as they search for answers. The conspiracy trickles down from Chicago, to Lacy’s neighbor, and a link to Blake’s law firm. Together they learn to trust God and each other to survive.

Blake mapped out his life at a young age, and Lacy doesn’t figure into his plans. He never knows what to expect when she’s around, but he realizes she’s brought life into his dull and predictable world. Lacy hadn’t planned to fall in love, but time after time Blake is there for her. If they can survive, they may find themselves facing the biggest adventure of their lives.

The completed 60,000 word manuscript is targeted for Love Inspired Suspense and is available upon request. Thank you for your time.

That's it.

Please remember: save your feedback for tomorrow, and be sure to thank Jackie for her courage in the comments.

The Kindness Project: Prayers and Apologies

Too often kindness is relegated to a random act performed only when we’re feeling good. But an even greater kindness (to ourselves and others) occurs when we reach out even when we aren't feeling entirely whole . It’s not easy, and no one is perfect. But we’ve decided it’s not impossible to brighten the world one smile, one kind word, one blog post at a time. To that end, a few of us writers have established The Kindness Project, starting with a series of inspirational posts.

I have to apologize. I had something really special planned for today, but it fell through, because I didn't plan it far enough ahead. But that's not really why I didn't post until so late in the day.

Last night we had a family medical emergency. My ten-year-old, Madi, went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. They diagnosed her with severe strep throat, and mononucleosis at the same time. But it didn't seem that serious, so they sent her home with a prescription for antobiotics, and orders to rest and hydrate. Then, last night, her throat swelled up so badly she couldn't swallow.

We took her to the hospital, and she got some shots and an IV to re-hydrate, and now she's okay. Still in a lot of pain, and still running a high fever, but okay. So it was a rough night last night, and I stayed home from work today, just in case, and all my plans for an awesome Kindness Project post were shot.

I'm sure you all will understand.

But it did bring something to mind. I have some friends whose kids are struggling with their health as well. In fact, I have two in particular whose health is worse than Madison's. SH and LBM could both use our prayers and positive energy. And for that matter, I'm sure Lenny Lee's health probably isn't out of the woods yet.

So let's do this: if you're religious, say a prayer and ask God to help these kids, or help all sick kids, really. If you're a Buddhist, when next you meditate, send some healthy Oms their way. If you're neither, maybe you could just send some positive vibes their way? I know these poor kids sure deserve to feel better.

And the meantime, please visit these other Kindness Project blogs, the ones who actually did their job today:

Elizabeth Davis

Christa Desir

Sarah Fine

Elana Johnson

Liza Kane

Amie Kaufman

Alina Klein

Sara Larson

Jessica Corra

Sara McClung

Gretchen McNeil

Tracey Neithercott

Lola Sharp

Michele Shaw

Meagan Spooner

Carolina Valdez Miller
Sophia Chang
Erica Chapman
Leigh Moore
Claire Hennessy
Katharine Owen
Elizabeth Poole

I promise to have something more concrete for you next month. 

Never Surrender Blog Fest

Today, I'm taking part in Elana Johnson's Never Surrender Blog Fest, which is meant to celebrate the release of her sophomore novel, Surrender. Before I get to my post, I'll give Elana a chance to explain:

All you have to do is blog about a time you didn't surrender. Trained for a marathon? Queried agents? Had to study for an entrance exam? I'm looking for inspirational stories that you have experienced. Hard things you've accomplished because you didn't give up. I want to be inspired by you!

Anyone who blogs this week for the theme can enter to win one of three $15 B&N gift cards. Everyone who blogs this week will receive a SURRENDER swag package.

Don’t blog? Put the cover of Surrender up on your FB wall, or pin it on Pinterest, or change your twitter avatar to the cover. Use the words “Never Surrender” somewhere to go with the picture, and link back to this post.

Sign up in this form to make sure you get the swag package. Elana will visit each blog to read your inspirational "never surrender" moments. Sign your blog up to participate in the Never Surrender blogfest linklist below. 

Now, let me share a story with you:

Before we begin, here's a topographic map of the Idaho panhandle, courtesy of Google Maps:

That letter A marks a town called Bonners Ferry. It's literally about 15 miles from the Canadian border. In the interest of keeping this short, let's just say I was a pretty willful teenager, and after being expelled from a nice, college prep boarding school as a sophomore, I was shipped off to reform school, just outside beautiful Bonners Ferry.

It was a pretty dismal place. There were some nice things too, like the gorgeous landscape, but that's not the point. The point is I couldn't take it there. So I ran away. I'd actually run away from home before getting sent there. I was 16. I lived in Atlanta at the time. When I ran I caught a Greyhound bus, made it to Saint Paul Minnesota, and was own my own for about 3 weeks before I got caught. But that's not the story, I was just pointing out I was an experienced runaway at the time.

So after being at this school for about 16 months, with no vacations, I couldn't take it anymore. I was 17 by then, and I figured I was old enough to make it on my own. So I woke up one of my roommates (he'd just recently arrived), told him "let's get out of here," and we did.

We hiked through the ink black night for about twenty miles, ducking into the undergrowth beside the barbwire fences separating the cow pastures from the road every time a pair of headlights approached. It was thrilling, but it was also terrifying.

We walked until the sun came up, and then we walked some more. Eventually we found a country bar, and some people willing to give us a ride. They brought us down the highway, south of Sandpoint (see the map), and to someone's house. They put us to work, and fed us, but the whole thing was pretty nerve racking, because they were these Aryan Nation anti-establishment types, and we wondered every minute if they were going to kidnap us.

They ended up letting us go, but the next day we had to hike 50 miles south to Couer D'Alene. The whole journey was an exercise in never surrendering, but if you've ever hiked 50 miles in a day (it takes about 18 hours) you'd know that day specifically is my shining example. We had a little water, but we had no food, and it takes a lot of determination to continue putting one foot in front of the other when the sun is beating down on the back of your neck.

I ended up making it to Seattle, and hung out in the airport for a few days, trying to convince my guardians to legally emancipate me, but I ended up having to go back. The story goes on, but you've read the exciting part. Don't worry, I'll write a book about it all someday.

That's it for my Never Surrender story, but there's more:
 

This week, as part of the SURRENDER blog tour, you can win one of three $15 Barnes & Noble gift cards and become a winner winner, chicken dinner! All you have to do is fill out this rafflecopter widget with what you’ve done. NOTE: One of the options is to blog about a time you didn’t surrender. Go here for full details on this, including how to sign up for your free swag package!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Angela Ackerman: The Emotion Thesaurus Blog Tour

Today it's my huge honor to welcome Angela Ackerman to The QQQE. Angela has long been a mentor of mine, but she's also a good friend, and an incredibly accessible person when it comes to lending a hand to anyone in this journey we call The Path to Publication.

Dun, dun, duh, duh.

I know, I'm just being weird for fun. I do that a lot. Anyway, today is my turn on the blog tour for the release of Angela and Becca's first published writer's thesaurus: The Emotion Thesaurus. I've long been a fan of these features on their blog, The Bookshelf Muse, but having this reference as an e-book, or even better, in print, is an amazing tool for our writer's toolboxes.

So, before I go on forever, I asked Angela to write about something really cool today.

Take it away, AA:

When Matt invited me to swing by, I asked him what flavor of post he’s like to see. Of course the dear man suggested a topic that’s right up my undead-clogged ally: Zombies, and why they’ve become such a phenomenal draw in our society.

Anyone who knows me knows I like three things above all else: Bacon, Diet Dr. Pepper, and Zombies. But his question made me dig deeper into why I think society is thrilled by the slash-and-gnaw scares of a world turned undead. So, here’s my slab of brain with some buckshot on the side: Politics.

Politics?

Yep, that’s right, Politics.

We live in a world that is immense--in size, in population, in rules and regulations, in political agendas, economy and business. There's famine and disease and global warming and war and who knows, maybe aliens to worry about...and as lone individuals, the scope of it all is beyond us. So, we elect governments and leaders to think the big thoughts and handle the big decisions, juggling everything so the important balls all stay up in the air.

The giant machine of government handles all the details. They tell us what is right, wrong, good and bad. They distill our options, ask us choose A or B so we feel like we’re contributing and then pat us on the back and send us on our way. After roughing a sea of propaganda, statistics and promises delivered by bright, teeth-whitened smiles, we just hope that whatever we chose -A or B- will get it right more than it will wrong.

Each day we go to work, we pay taxes, we color inside the lines. But this type of adherence also binds us to a strict path. On some level, we become the Borg. Oh sure, we’ll also growl and snarl over stupid policies or laws, get upset at the unfairness, inequality and unbalance we see. Some even take it a step further and stand up and say Enough! They march, petition, and for awhile, we remember that we are should be in control.

But then time passes and the majority goes back to work, to taxes, to coloring inside the lines. Because deep inside, we know Resistance Is Futile. No one truly can fight the Machine we’ve created, not unless the Machine agrees itself that change is needed.

Hmm...sounds like a dystopian novel, doesn’t it?

Now back to Zombies. Or the Borg. Because if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll see I’m really talking about who we’ve become in the big picture: a little zombie-ish. We don’t like it. None of us do. But regardless, we are chained by the fact that when our ancestors, attracted by bright colors and blinking lights, climbed onto the carousel named Progress, they didn’t realize that maybe one day it would spin too fast for anyone to get off.

So why the Undead appeal? Simple. Fiction and movies provide us with a twisted, carnival-like reality where we can imagine what it is like to fight back. To break free of the mentality of helplessness and stop the carousel. To act, and regain the Amusement Park. Battling zombies gives us the chance to take control and turn the big world small again.

I know, this sounds a bit dour. Maybe it is. But it also illustrates why writers are so important! At the heart of Man is the desire to leave one's mark. People want to express themselves in a way that leaves the world a better place. Unfortunately people don't always have as much control or influence over the big things as they would like, which is why so many turn to movies and fiction to escape.

So, keep those undead hordes coming writers & filmmakers, and your audiences will love you for it! :)

Angela Ackerman is one half of The Bookshelf Muse duo, and co-author of The Emotion Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide To Character Expression. Sadly, this book has nothing to do with Zombies, but it has everything to do with writing, so if you'd like to find out more, visit us here.

Thanks so much, Angela!

Now I've got two more very cool things to say. Very cool, because they involve all of you, directly.

We're giving away two things today. Well, really Angela's giving them away, but I'm here to facilitate.

The two prizes are: A free .pdf copy of The Emotion Thesaurus, and a 1000 word critique from Angela, which I forgot to give away when The Bookshelf Muse honored me as a Writing Hero. It can be for anything. I would suggest you use it to tighten the all important opening pages of a manuscript you plan on submitting to agents or editors, but you could certainly ask her to look at a short story, or probably even a synopsis (but you'd have to work that out with Angela).

Here's how it will work. I'm no good at rafflecopter or randomizer.org, so I like to keep things simple. Each person who comments on this post will get one entry. If you want to earn extra entries, you must find a new follower for The QQQE, The Bookshelf Muse, or both. This will be on the honor system, so don't cheat. You don't necessarily have to Facebook, Blog, or Tweet, but just talk someone you know who doesn't follow our blogs into stopping by to follow. A new follower to The QQQE who mentions your referral in their comment earns you an extra point. A new follower to The Bookshelf Muse who mentions your referral in their comment earns you another extra point. BUT, if you send someone to both blogs who doesn't follow either, and they mention this (and you) in their comment, you'll get five extra points/entries.

Think of it like the reaping in The Hunger Games, except, you know, cool.

Then, I'll put the entries in a hat, and the first name I pick will have their choice of the two prizes. The second name will win whichever prize is left.

So, leave your comment, thank Angela for being so awesome, and if you have to come back and comment a second time to total your points, that's fine with me!

Friday Funneh

First, I didn't amend yesterday's post with this info until late in the day, so most of you missed this. Kim asked me some interesting questions.

And now time for something funny, to get you through your Friday. Actually, this isn't that funny. It's really stupid. After the Miami zombie scare, this moron decided to dress up like a zombie and pretend to attack people in some of Dade County's poorest areas.



If you look carefully, you might notice that at about the 2:00 minute mark, he gets a gun pulled on him. Man, some people are morons.

Sketcher Girl Studios - Grand Opening

GRAND OPENING!!!!

Today is the day that Sketcher Girl Studios, LLC officially opens for business!

In celebration of this momentous event, Vic Caswell (owner/operator) is hosting a give-a-way.

Using the "Contact Us" form on the site, send her the secret word from the end of this post and you'll be entered to win.

Sketcher Girl Studios is a freelance illustration company with a focus on book cover design.  Vic Caswell has produced the covers of Emily White's debut novel ELEMENTAL, as well as it's sequel FAE (release date not announced yet), and Kimberly Ann Miller's debut novel TRIANGLES (releasing June 2013).

SGStudios is passionate about books and getting them out there and into the hands of the readers who will love them.  Vic will read your book.  She will work with you to ensure that the design you end up with is something you love.  She doesn't use stock photography, so you are guaranteed an image that is original and she offers full legal usage of her cover images.  So, if you want to print it on swag, and sell that, the money goes straight to you.

Her prices are competitive - affordable for small press publishers as well as self-publishers.

She also provides other services - such as: tattoo design, logo design, header design, artistic prints, children's book illustration, and pretty much anything illustration that you can think up.

Stop by and drop the secret word: Mischief, for your chance to win one of these nifty prizes...

such as: postcard sized prints of  her work titled PERCHED CREATURE, one of two copies of ELEMENTAL by Emily White, a ten dollar Amazon gift card, an original painting, and  free labor on a book cover (costs may be incurred for props/models/wardrobe) and more!

Links:

Sketcher Girl Studios

SGS on Facebook

Testimonials:

Vic Caswell is brilliant! Not only is she super easy to work with, but the things she comes up with are so amazing. She was able to take the half-coherent ideas I was kind of able to articulate and come up with exactly what I was thinking of. I loved working with her on both my books' covers and I can't wait to work with her again!- Emily White (author of ELEMENTAL from Spencer Hill Press)

"I'm loving my new logo!!! Victoria Caswell did a MARVELOUS job and was such a joy to work with. She made the process effortless and I swear she could read my mind. So, if you need some work done, please send it her way! You won't be sorry!" ♥ Nancy  Fennell (owner of Scents of Adventure)

NOTE: If you want some of Matt, I'm being interviewed today, over at The Art of Infiltration. You can read it, here.

Amber Mauldin's Current Query II Critiqued

This may be the most important critique I've ever given. Please bear with me as I help my friend Amber try to perfect the query letter for this critically important book.

Before I even get started, I have some important things to say.

Most of you noticed yesterday: this query letter is for a memoir. That means, basically: all this actually happened. I know that's hard to hear. As a father, it's hard for me to think about a young woman suffering the trauma that Amber experienced at such a young and innocent point in her life.

She and I debated a bit about whether to post this query, and how to post it. I, in my ignorance, tried to convince her she should not make this information public. She, in her infinite strength, courage, and wisdom, convinced me that expressing herself, letting go, and championing her saviors was something she'd been doing nearly all her life by now, and something she knew was right for her and her history.

I can't say I completely understand. I mean I may seem brave at times, but this kind of courage is beyond me. So before we get down to any kind of nitty gritty, I want to sincerely thank Amber for showing me the true meaning of courage and determination.

Now, all that being said, the only way I agreed to do this at all was if she allowed me to focus on the writing. The truth of life is too harsh, too near, and simply not something that should ever be up for critique. But we talked about it, and Amber and I agreed that we would treat this query like it was fiction, so that we could take the positive attitude of improving her craft of writing as much as possible. That way, we could focus on the mechanics, rather than the the pain (or even the healing) and we could adopt a pragmatic approach in trying to come up with the best possible submission for what is clearly a powerful and important story.

If you'd like to know more about the reality side of Amber's story, please visit her blog, and read this heartfelt post.

Now to the letter:

Time seems to stop right before you die. I'm not a fan of opening like this. I get the imagery, and I think it's powerful, but I'm not sure it works in a query. Amber Harville knows this all too well. You're now two sentences in, and we don't know any of the key elements we need to know. Who is Amber? What kind of person/character is she before her story begins? A query needs to (99 times out of a 100, sometimes there is a genius who breaks the rules) introduce us to a character we can like and sympathize with ASAP. When she is kidnapped and raped at fifteen, she is certain her captor's next step is to murder her. She never imagined he'd dump her out of the car with the threat of- "If you tell anyone, I'll kill you." There's certainly no arguing with your inciting incident. The fact that it's true only heightens the power of the emotion. That being said, I think this whole opening hook can be delivered better.

Something like this: Fifteen-year-old Amber Harville is a good student, a decent Christian, and a great friend, until she's kidnapped and raped by a serial madman. Time seems to stop in the fatal moment before he murders her, but then suddenly, in an inexplicable fit of mercy, he dumps her out of the car with the threat of, "Tell a soul, and I'll come back and kill you."

Obviously that's not perfect, and I'm sure you could write it much better than me, but the point it gets across is for you to get us caring about Amber as a character first, and then punch us in the gut with the horror of the inciting incident.

His first mistake was choosing her as his victim; his second was letting her go. I like this. Normally, it might be unnecessary in a query, but this story is all about Amber's inner strength.

She flees to the nearest house and they call the police. Three days later he is caught. I understand what you're after here, but you don't need to go chronological in this query. Ask yourself what really matters, what is at the heart of this story? As far as I can tell, the key is Amber's courage and tenacity, and how she finds salvation through god. I saw that other version you sent me, and I actually think you should consider including more about how she took sanctuary in the church. It's your story, of course, but to me these are the keys: the kidnapping (and rape), the church, and then the fact that Amber is the only witness who can put this guy away. The Spain/Boyfriend thing is important too, sure, and I'm not saying remove it, but you need to decide what elements are absolutely crucial to your tale. But the damage has been done and Amber begins to spiral out of control. Her emotions teeter-totter between fear and rage. Every stranger becomes a possible predator and every public setting has the potential for a repeat snatch and grab. She begins to carry mace and knives, hoping it will be enough to keep her overwhelming terror at bay, but it is like pouring water on a bullet-wound. This seems like a strange comparison to me. I'm sure water doesn't feel great applied directly to a gunshot wound, but surely there's something that hurts worse? And her parents don’t help the situation by pretending nothing has happened.

I think you should re-think this paragraph. It's tough, I know, because all these emotions are certainly important to the character, and I don't mean to deflate any of their power, but are they really key to the story? All these reactions seem perfectly natural to me (says the guy who only knows you on the internet, and has obviously never been through this kind of trauma), but I wonder if they are really what you need to convey in the query? You use up a lot of words telling us several ways in which Amber is freaked out. Would this space perhaps be better served telling us more about what she ends up doing about it?

With an impending trial around the corner it seems her nightmares will never end. A summer foreign exchange program which sends her to Spain is exactly what she needs- an escape. A gorgeous Spanish boy awaking her stone-cold heart is the last thing she wants- a distraction. Should she stay with the boy she loves, or should she return home and see to it that her attacker be put away for good? The rest of this I'm undecided about. I'm not sure how well an agent would react to a memoir that is about both the trauma of kidnap and rape, and the redemption of young love. As I mentioned, I don't think you need to cut the Spain trip or the Spanish boy out of the query completely, and I do like the angle of the difficult choice of whether or not to return to America, but I think this query is better focused on struggling with her Christianity, and then the utter terror of being the key witness in such an important trial.

PERFECTLY BROKEN is a YA narrative memoir complete at 55,000 words. It is an inspirational story about a girl who finds a strength she never knew existed and a love she never knew was possible. Thank you for your time.

In summary ... wow. There is so much that could be said about this whole thing, but I have to focus on craft only, or I'll go on and on forever, and end up crying.

So ... you've clearly got a powerful story here, and one that needs to be told. I can't imagine how many young women out there could benefit from reading this kind of memoir. That being said, I think you should step back and think about your story. Are you done drafting it? Have any CPs read it yet?

There are a lot of ways this story could unfold, and a lot of different themes that could underlie the tale, but you need to decide which ones are the most important. If the boy in Spain and the freedom of being in another country is more important than the reading of the bible and the mentor-ship of her minister, that's fine, but putting all of them in the query may be too much. I would also like to see this letter touch on the trial, and the fact that Amber is the only witness with an account that can convict this monster.

That's it.

What do you all think? Please feel free to disagree with me, and honor Amber's bravery by having the courage to be honest.

This was a really difficult post to write. Being a middle-aged-fat-white-guy, I'm not sure I even have the right to be sitting in this position, trying to help Amber with this tragic, but important story.

Amber Mauldin's Current Query II

I know it says part II up there, but this one is not actually a revision. It's another query for a different project. You can find Amber's original post, with the link to her blog, here. And you can find the critique, here.

So here's the new query:

Time seems to stop right before you die. Amber Harville knows this all too well. When she is kidnapped and raped at fifteen, she is certain her captor's next step is to murder her. She never imagined he'd dump her out of the car with the threat of- "If you tell anyone, I'll kill you."

His first mistake was choosing her as his victim; his second was letting her go.

She flees to the nearest house and they call the police. Three days later he is caught. But the damage has been done and Amber begins to spiral out of control. Her emotions teeter-totter between fear and rage. Every stranger becomes a possible predator and every public setting has the potential for a repeat snatch and grab. She begins to carry mace and knives, hoping it will be enough to keep her overwhelming terror at bay, but it is like pouring water on a bullet-wound. And her parents don’t help the situation by pretending nothing has happened.

With an impending trial around the corner it seems her nightmares will never end. A summer foreign exchange program which sends her to Spain is exactly what she needs- an escape. A gorgeous Spanish boy awaking her stone-cold heart is the last thing she wants- a distraction. Should she stay with the boy she loves, or should she return home and see to it that her attacker be put away for good?

PERFECTLY BROKEN is a YA narrative memoir complete at 55,000 words. It is an inspirational story about a girl who finds a strength she never knew existed and a love she never knew was possible. Thank you for your time.

That's it.

I'm sure you have some questions, but please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Amber for being courageous enough to share this with us so that we all can learn together.

Elana Johnson Never Surrender Blog Fest

We had a power outage, so I overslept and didn't make it into work until just now. So just sign up, and we'll talk about it later:

Andrew Smith Saturdays: In the Path of Falling Objects

I know, it's actually Sunday, and I never post on weekends, but there's an incredible discussion going on at Lady Reader's Bookstuff, and even if you haven't read this book, perhaps you'll be inspired to pick it up. It's an amazing novel.

Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query II Critiqued

TGIF. Here is my critique of Nabila's revised query, with the feedback in red.

The letter:

Dear _____

The youngest of three siblings, Shelly Manhar is hot-tempered, indecisive and always rushing into things. Nice! Now we've got a great sense of character. Excellent way to open. The only other thing I want is Shelly's age. But nNever in her wildest dreams did she imagine becoming a pirate, until her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after their family home burns down. Along with her elder sister Anna, who is her only guide in life now, you don't need this, because it's inferred. she decides to take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas with gunpowder, blade and cannon. But when Anna dies unexpectedly just after they have taken their first ship, Shelly finds herself all alone in the world. This is a much better opening hook paragraph than before. It still needs a little tightening, but you're off to a great start.

Determined to carry on with the plan, of searching for her father and brother? Shelly sets sail with vengeance in her heart, with the crew that she gathered through the means of her skill with the sword and her absolute stubbornness. You really need to read The Dust of 100 Dogs. During her journeys, she discovers that her brother has now become a navy officer, making them each other’s enemies. The situation is further worsened by the fact that her brother now stands in the way of her revenge, as he is working for Doomham, the same man who is in some way responsible for the disappearance of her father and the destruction of her home. Furthermore, through her adventures Shelly finds out that her father is more than just some ordinary merchant, she herself is directly connected to Doomham, there is a dangerous treasure hidden in the waters of the Caribbean Sea that could spell certain doom if it reaches her enemy, and these three conditions are linked with one another. Now she must take her revenge, protect the lost treasure from falling in the wrong hands, find and unite her family, and ultimately decide which life she’d keep in the long run: her old, lawful one, or the new, illegal yet highly addictive one. Okay, so this paragraph is a long chunk of text, and it really ambles all over the place. The content underneath it all is good. I've got a clearer sense of the conflict now, and where the story goes, but you need to work on clarifying the execution and delivery of the information.

Completed at 90,000 words, THE UNTAMED ONE is my first novel a YA Historical Adventure (Adventure is not really a genre, but I'm not sure what else to call it). The manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Nabila Fairuz

Okay, to summarize, your first paragraph is so much better now. It really gets Shelly's character across much better, and I can see why she is someone we would want to read about. It's not perfect yet, but it's very close.

Your second paragraph has improved, and the information in it about the stakes and the details of the conflict are good, but it goes on for too long, and is hard to follow. See if you can work on being more concise, and try to convey the same concepts in fewer words.

I wish I could get specific about what to cut and what to keep from your second paragraph, but I think that has to be up to either you, or at least someone who has read the book.

That's it.

What do you all think?