The letter:
Dear ______,
What if a beloved member of your family couldn’t get their life-saving medication because of a conspiracy?
No. Don't ask questions in query letters. Especially not rhetorical questions. There are a lot of sources on the internet that talk about why, one of the best being Nathan Bransford, but basically, the reason is that you don't want an agent reading your query to actually answer these kinds of questions in their head. Let's consider some of the potential answers to this question:
"I'd kill myself, but then there wouldn't be much of a story."
"I'd go on a rampage, ala Michael Douglas in Falling Down, and really eff up the establishment - is this going to be that kind of story?"
"I'd sue. It'd be just like John Grisham's The Client, which is going to make this manuscript a tough sell."
See how rhetorical questions can cause problems? Don't ask an agent to figure out what your story is about, show them.
Lacy Williams moved to Lexington, Kentucky to live close to her diabetic grandmother. Queries are often written in present tense, but there's no rule that says you can't use past. That being said, I'd like to know more about who Lacy is, before we start to hear about what happened to her. The plan was to spend a few days settling into her apartment before starting a new job. Upon her arrival she finds Nonna, her grandmother, passed out in the bedroom. Passed out sounds a little weak to me. Unconscious? Comatose? Rushed to the hospital, Lacy learned her grandmother stopped taking her diabetes medicine, Diamet. Is this a real brand name drug? If so, you might want to consider using a made up one.
This isn't a bad opening. Your inciting incident is certainly tense, traumatic, and full of the potential for conflict, but I think this would all sound better in present tense. For example "After being rushed to the hospital, holding her grandmother's hand in the back of an ambulance, Lacy discovers her grandmother stopped taking ..."
Although, I should point out, if Nonna stopped taking her meds voluntarily, that kind of defuses the conflict, doesn't it? I thought we were looking at some kind of big insurance company refused to pay type of story. I'll be interested to see where this goes.
Also, to get back to your opening hook, we need to know more about Lacy. Who is she? A 24-year-old recent pre-law grad? A 19-year-old high school grad hayseed who's decided to enter the work force? Telling us more about her character up front will ensure we care about her story.
Lacy’s fiery temper is resurrected from childhood as she learns that a law firm contacted Nonna claiming Diamet causes bladder cancer. Is is a present tense verb. Queries sound better in present tense, so I suggest you change it all to match. Lacy finds Blake Thompson, Nonna’s personal attorney, and accuses him of sending the letter. He denies the accusation.
Once the letter is found, Lacy sees the law firm is based in Chicago. She wonders how they knew what medicine her grandmother took. In her quest for the truth, Lacy discovers a possible connection between the law firm and Nonna’s insurance company. Even though it’s hard to imagine, it’s a clue she feels must be pursued. You could almost cut this whole paragraph. Or distill it into one sentence. This query is long as is, so just give us the vital info.
Lacy begins a blog, Diamet Dilemma. Through comments left on the blog her belief in a conspiracy is strengthened. The only people she can find who received a personal letter from the law firm have the same insurance company as Nonna. You probably only need the last sentence on this one too. I mean the blog angle is interesting, and you might keep it if it features a lot in the novel, but otherwise all we really need to know is the confirmation of the conspiracy.
Trusting no one
Blake mapped out his life at a young age, and Lacy doesn’t figure into his plans. You're switching POVs here. I don't necessarily have a fundamental problem with bringing romance in, but you've got to do it from Lacy's POV. He never knows what to expect when she’s around, but he realizes she’s brought life into his dull and predictable world. Lacy hadn’t planned to fall in love, but time after time Blake is there for her. If they can survive, they may find themselves facing the biggest adventure of their lives. May or do? Because if it's only may, there might not be much of a story here. And if people are dying, I'd say it's do.
The completed 60,000 word manuscript is targeted for Love Inspired Suspense I'd never heard of this genre, but apparently it's popular at Harlequin.com and is available upon request. Thank you for your time.
Okay, so to summarize, you've got the bones of a good story beneath this. You just need to bring a few things to the front.
First and foremost, Lacy. Who is she? Why should we care about her? Present us with her character right up front, and everything that follows will automatically be more interesting.
Second, but equally important, your conflict. We can figure it out, which is good, but you need to clarify and heighten it. It's muddied up by a lot of side details we don't need, and you want to get right to it.
Finally, there should be a difficult decision at the end. Also, if the romance is an important part, you might want to introduce it a bit earlier in the query.
That's it.
What do you all think?
