In Your Own Interest

Here is something slightly different. I wrote directly to the agent of one of my favorite authors. I did this once before with Simon Lipskar at Writer's House because he had represented Christopher Paolini but I don't have that query anymore because he does not accept e-queries. Yes, he rejected me too.

Sorry for all the REDACTIONS but this is not about figuring out which agents did what. It's supposed to be about all the hilarious (and sometimes cringe-worthy) blunders I made while running the query gauntlet. This query's actually not as terrible as some of the others.

May 7th, 2009

Dear Ms. REDACTED,

My name is Matthew Rush and I am writing to you specifically because you represented REDACTED in his publishing of the REDACTED Trilogy, by a major publishing house.

I am seeking representation for my YA novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because your website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

Some people will say it's okay to put this stuff (word count, title) at the beginning of your query and they might be right but the prevailing wisdom is: start with your pitch/hook. Describe the plot, characters and conflict first because all that technical info does matter, but not as much.

Don't mention a sequel. The bit about following her submission guidelines is okay, it's good to show the respect of taking the time to actually read their website/blog, but like in writing just show them that you did by doing it - no need to spell it out like this.

That synopsis gibberish which you have seen over and over by now is utter rubbish. Everyone knows a synopsis does not do a story justice. It sounds desperate and insecure to put that in here.

I absolutely loved all three of REDACTED'S books and found the humor to be incredibly refreshing in such a fantasy-adventure novel. My story may be intended for a slightly older readership but it is definitely young adult literature.

If you are going to make these kind of comparison's (which you shouldn't) it is good to at least compliment the other author, especially if it's someone the agent represented. If so they are probably pretty good friends, if they weren't they probably wouldn't choose to work together in such an important partnership.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

I'm not going to talk about this paragraph again. It's been analyzed enough.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared.

This paragraph (and part of the one after) could have been the whole query. Just add the very first sentence, but put it at the end, and you've got a decent query. This is a poor example of a pitch/hook, conflict and mini-synopsis, but it is a rough example of the important part of a query. The rest is chaff.

After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

Telling.

I live in the United States but I would love to be represented by the literary agent who has worked with one of my literary heroes. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at US country code +206-555-1212 or to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Did I forget to mention this was a UK agent? Oops. I've gone over before why this is bad. Please see my post: Another Bad Creation for more info.

I have never been published but I am confident that you and REDACTED have proven that one does not have to be a highly experienced or previously best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I think it was Janet Reid at Query Shark who suggested you can take this "looking forward to" part out. She makes a good point because if you're going to be getting rejected ... you're not really looking forward to it. The "thank you" has to stay. Being polite but professional is very important.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

Now I doubly don't know why that synopsis disclaimer is up there, considering I did not include a synopsis in the email. Doh!

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you very much for your inquiry regarding your novel.

However, I feel that in your own interest you should have an agent in the United States to represent your work. First novels often need editorial work and while it is possible to do it via email, it works much better if you can meet and talk things over. As we are only a very small agency, we are unable to take on clients from outside of the UK.

Thank you very much for writing to us. I wish you the every success with your book.

Kind regards,

REDACTED

I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure this is not a form rejection. It doesn't really matter either way: rejected is rejected, but it does feel a little nicer sometimes. This one is really nice in fact, even gives me some concrete advice in its own way. I think it's partly because British people are so much more polite; or at least better at seeming so.

One thing I will point out: This query was sent out on the very second day after I began querying. It is not a great query letter but it IS better than even some of the ones I sent out after it. Why? Because I loved this author and I really wanted to be represented by his agent. The foreign representation issue aside, I spent a lot more time crafting this query. Let that be a lesson. I spent over six months writing my novel. Why not put an equal amount of research/effort/passion into my query letter?

I'm not saying it should take all day to tailor a query letter to a specific agent, but it might help to take it that slow. Send out one highly polished and targeted letter each day for a week. Then see what kind of reactions you get. If it's five form rejections you know it's probably the query.

Oh, and if you have a list of like five or ten agents that you really like - don't query them first. Wait until you've learned a little and gauged the current industry's reaction to your project.

Dear Author

Another early rejected query:

May 12th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult commercial-fiction novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader. I am including a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because your website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest.

I can't believe I told her that young adult readers are buying books in droves these days. She's a literary agent for god's sake, as if she doesn't know that.

One sure fire way to insult someone is to tell them how to do their job. If you really wanna infuriate them have no idea what your talking about on top of it.

I love Eastern Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of art that go into them. I also love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge. There are no wizards, witches or vampires in my story, just a bit of everyday magic and mysticism that has not been written about in this way before.

I do like the bit where I point out that there are no witches, wizards or vampires. It's a good way to say how my MS stands out from a lot of the other stuff out there. The rest of the paragraph is insufficient though. I can't remember where I got the idea to talk about stuff I like instead of telling what happens in the story but it clearly doesn't work.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal qualifications to write this story. For example my own mother died when I was eleven years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as fascinating as the place in which my characters find themselves within this book.

Again, an agent is only interested in personal qualifications if you are writing non-fiction, such as a memoir.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

SYNOPSIS

Her reply:

Dear Author, Please forgive this impersonal note. We receive a tremendous number of query letters and are forced to focus our attention on a limited number of projects. We regret that we must decline the offer to review your work. We encourage you to keep writing and we wish you every success. Sincerely, REDACTED.

This form rejection seems a little lazy. I mean I understand the slushpile is enormous and agents (and their assistants) are extremely busy. I am also aware that this query stinks like a hog farm on a hot day but Dear Author? I mean come on. Begging forgiveness is a nice touch but if you aren't going to take the time to address each writer just leave the salutation out. It just looks bad.

We're told over and over to address our queries to you by name. Even as dumb as I was back then I knew not to address a letter to Dear Agent, Dear Sir or Madam, or To Whom it May Concern. Address a query letter that way and I guarantee it won't concern anyone.

Otherwise you can't blame her. Astronomical word count? Check. Ignorance of genre? Check. Telling her how to do her job? Check. Complete lack of pitch, hook and any idea of what happens in the story? Check.

Lazy form rejection. Why not?

No Comment on Writing Ability

Here is another version of a query I sent out last year. I hate to have to admit that this one was sent to one of my favorite agents (yes still). She is all over the web and blogs with great advice for novice writers. No I'm not going to say who she is but just be aware that there are a lot of agents out there who post a lot of advice and information about who they are and what they seek in submissions. It would definitely benefit you to research any agent as much as possible before you query them. Especially if they have posts out there somewhere with SPECIFIC query writing advice.

Yes she rejected me, but my querying skills and knowledge were still in their infancy back then (as you can see) and she was very kind in her rejection, even if it was probably still form. So, the query:

May 11th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure/commercial fiction crossover novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am including a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because your listing in the publishers marketplace suggests query only.

Looking back and knowing my novel I understand why I had such a problem with defining the genre, but I wish I would have researched genres more before making some of these ridiculous claims. My novel is YA. It is probably part fantasy and part adventure but it is not commercial fiction. I don't know where I got that idea. I think I must have thought that made it sound like it would sell. What nonsense.

I believe that you would be an excellent fit for an agent to represent me because you list your specific interests as young adult fiction including fantasy as long as it is unique and really stands out, which I believe describes Warrior-Monks almost perfectly.

This is good. Showing you researched an agent and are aware of their specific interests is a very strong point in a query - or so I'm told. The language I used is not that great though. I should have left out "for an agent" and everything after and including "which I believe". Oh well, good idea, just poor execution.

I love Eastern Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of art that go into them. I also love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

We've all seen this bit of clunk before and I really don't know why I was so attached to it at first. I can't believe that in this query I thought this would suffice for pitch, hook, plot and everything. I mean from this query there is no clue as to what HAPPENS in the novel. I guess I thought that since she allowed a synopsis to be included in the letter that would do the trick but after this query she probably didn't even read the synopsis. Would you have?

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal qualifications to write this story. For example my own mother died when I was eleven years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as fascinating as the place in which my characters find themselves within this book.

This is weird. I mean first of all it's not necessary. Second of all it makes no sense because nowhere in the query does it say the the MC's mother died or that he was sent to live with an aunt and uncle or any of that. I suspect that I pasted this part in here from another query that included more plot in the pitch and am ashamed to admit how horrid this looks in this example.

No I'm not. I'm not ashamed of anything because this is a process and I have already learned a great deal and continue to learn more everyday. In the beginning I was just being lazy, and maybe a little egotistical, thinking my MS would sell itself. Don't do that. Be humble but confident; believe in yourself and never give up and you will achieve your goals. Even publication if that is what you seek.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

SYNOPSIS

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for querying me. Unfortunately I am going to have to pass at this time. Please don't take this rejection as a comment on your writing ability, because it isn't intended to be one. I'm sure another agent will feel differently.

Best of luck to you with the submission process.

REDACTED REDACTED
Agent
REDACTED Literary & Media Representation

Of course this is a form rejection. I do like that she qualified her rejection, it was nice at the time to think that it had nothing to do with my writing. I now know that this is almost always the case. Great novels get rejected everyday because of weak or even good but not great queries. It's too bad that agent's don't have time to just read pages from everyone who seeks representation but that could only happen beyond the event horizon and regular space-time just doesn't work that way.

Take this as a lesson that it doesn't matter how good your novel is. In fact when querying agents it might help to think of your novel as being bad just so that you spend that much more time polishing and researching your query. You only get once chance to make that all important first impression so arm yourself with knowledge and a query as close to perfect as you can get.

Demanding Clients

Here I found another version of the query. Based on the date this is earlier than the first one I sent out which is odd because it is slightly better.

May 6th, 2009

Dear Mr. REDACTED,

I am seeking representation for my fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because your website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

I'm not sure why I left the YA part out in this one. Perhaps he didn't/doesn't represent it or perhaps I just didn't know any better yet. At least I didn't use that genre bending belch of a description you might remember from other queries. Also good to see I didn't say fiction novel.

I will admit to being completely ashamed about that synopsis not doing it justice drivel though. I sound like an idiot.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

I don't know why I stuck with this oh so personal hook for so long. It's not all that terrible but it just doesn't work. As much as each of these things: Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony; is cool, they way they are referred to here takes all the excitement out of them like a balloon without enough air left inside to make a decent farting noise.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I can't decide about this paragraph. It is where the query should have started. It is not bad. It's sort of the first version of a mini synopsis that still exists in my most updated query. However, it's still not great. It's too long and needs a lot of work. See future versions.

I have never been published but I am confident that one does not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Better than other conclusions I've written.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

What happened to the contact info?

His reply:

Thanks for your interest in our agency. Unfortunately you've caught me at a time when the demands of my current clients leave me with very little time to devote to developing new talent and unfortunately in this case I have to pass on the opportunity to pursue this. I'm being extremely, and likely unreasonably, picky so please seek many opinions since my decision may have little to do with the salability of your work.

Sincerely,

REDACTED REDACTED

This one feels personalized but probably isn't. I haven't checked query tracker but I suspect this is a kind but craftily forged form rejection. I will always give credit for trying to be nice though. Interestingly enough this blogger posting WYSIWYG software says that salability is either not a word or is spelled wrong. I'm not a stickler for that kind of thing and it makes sense to me but I always think it's funny when software calls a professional out for being supposedly wrong.

Somehow this feels like one of the best queries I've put on the blog so far. I'm not exactly sure why. It's strange though that this one was sent out before so many of the others. I had thought I was going through a learning process. Seems like I may have had to get dumber before getting smarter.

Oh well, live and learn.

Web Form Form Rejection

I think this was one of those agency websites that asked me to fill out a web form rather than send in an email query. As you can see it completely screwed up my formatting. I would fix it but I'm too lazy and it makes a certain point.

The point being that now it looks like word vomit. Art (or lack thereof) imitating life, or was that the other way around?

Dear
> REDACTED,
>
> I am writing to
> you seeking representation for my young-adult
> fantasy-adventure/commercial fiction crossover novel
> which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete
> at approximately 475,000 words.
> The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only
> in outline form. I am including
> a synopsis as well as the first ten pages of the book
> because that is specifically what The REDACTED Literary
> Agency website asks for.
>
>
> I love Eastern
> Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as
> – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the
> Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of
> art that go into them. I also
> love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as
> Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism.
> Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a
> fantastic way which has never been done in young adult
> fantasy to my knowledge.
>
>
> I have never been
> published but I am confident that many authors like
> Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you
> do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling
> author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal
> qualifications to write this story.
> For example my own mother died when I was eleven
> years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and
> uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in
> Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as
> fascinating as the place in which my characters find
> themselves within this book.
>
>
> Please feel free
> to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at
> any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at
> home at:
>
> ADDRESS
>
> Thank you for your
> consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing
> from you soon.
>
> Sincerely,
> Matthew M.
> Rush
>

Okay, so this query is a little better than some in the past. At least it's shorter. At this level of quality shorter is certainly better.

Her reply:

Thank you very much for your query, which I have read with interest. Unfortunately the project does not seem right for me, and I am sorry I cannot offer to read your work.

I do wish you all the best on finding more suitable representation, and thank you again.

Sincerely,
REDACTED

For some reason her reply came through with normal formatting. Only my clumsy query got the funky carat lines and indentations. Kind of fitting if you ask me.

Can I just say I hate those web form queries? I'm sure they work great for the agents and probably save them time and effort and of course if it lands someone representation that's great, but I don't like them. They're awkward and difficult to keep track of when you're trying to remember who you've queried and when, or if, you should expect to hear back from them.

This rejection was form but polite, and nothing more or less than should have been expected.

Assisted Rejection

Back from my vacation working on dad's house. I think I'll post another query:

May 11th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure/commercial-fiction crossover novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am including a synopsis as well as the introduction/prologue chapter of the book because that is what The REDACTED Agency website asks for.

Ugh. I can't believe I called it a "young-adult fantasy-adventure/commercial-fiction crossover novel". Even if such a thing existed (it doesn't) there would have to be a better way to put it. Preferably just let the hook and plot described in the query grab the agent, then she can figure out the genre bending premise for herself.

I am writing to you because you are recommended by the website Predators and Editors and because I've read your blog post on REDACTED from March 2nd detailing what you are looking for and I feel that Warrior Monks is an ideal fit. I am very happy for Stephanie Meyer and I wish her continued success but when I tried to read Twilight after my daughter finished it I was only able to get about three fourths of the way through the first volume. I suppose it just was not written for me. Warrior-Monks is a fantasy novel in that it incorporates a bit of magic and a lot of mysticism but it is definitely not cliche. The protagonist is a troubled young man who is humble and lonely and is honestly based on my own awkward days as a teenager in many ways. There are no vampires, werewolves or wizards in Warrior Monks, but there are some mysterious old Asian Gurus who teach the characters some incredibly unique things and put a new twist on the idea of young-adult fantasy. Most of the book takes place in the Idaho Panhandle, but there are urban sections and the sequel will be including much more of this kind of thing. I have lived in Seattle, Minneapolis, Boston, and Atlanta and I have a love for the concrete jungle and the teeming culture that is cities.

Wow. I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea at the time. Well the agent's blog did say how much she disliked Twilight, so I guess I was trying to go with that, and what I wrote is true, but don't ever compare your work to a published author's by disparaging their work like this, even if you do it nicely. It makes you look like an idiot and an egomaniac at the same time.

The second party of the paragraph is okay but the hook is weak. I should have started the query here.

I love Eastern Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of art that go into them. I also love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

This is okay, and as you have seen I used it a lot. However, it is completely unnecessary. Hook the agent on the story, plot, and character(s) and why they should care.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal qualifications to write this story. For example my own mother died when I was eleven years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as fascinating as the place in which my characters find themselves within this book.

I think I did this because the agent asked for why you would be qualified to write the story. I'm not sure if that is true but if so I imagine she probably handles non-fiction as well and was referring to that. This kind of drivel is never necessary when seeking representation for fiction.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Matthew M. Rush

SYNOPSIS

CHAPTER

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for submitting your query to The REDACTED Agency. While your proposal shows merit, I'm afraid it's not right for us. As I'm sure you know, this is a very subjective business, and no doubt another agent will feel differently. Best of luck in your writing career.

--
Best wishes,
REDACTED
Assistant
The REDACTED Agency

Clearly form rejection. However, I did like and appreciate the honesty of admitting it was the assistant who replied, we can also assume it was the assistant who read and therefore rejected the query. I can say with confidence that they probably sent the form rejection after reading the clunky genre and the word count. Hell with that awkward genre description they may not have even needed the word count to form reject.

In hindsight it does make me feel a little better that she probably never read the chapter.

Workation

Sorry there won't be any post today and probably not on Monday either. I have to fly back home to handle some business. My pop died recently and the estate is still in probate.

At least I'll get to see some real mountains.

The Cardinal Sin

This is difficult to admit and post for all to see because it is incredibly embarrassing and could have easily been avoided. I was just plain sloppy on this one. Below you will find a query in which I referenced the submission guidelines for a DIFFERENT literary agency, garnering instant rejection and scorn from the agent I was trying to query. DO NOT DO THIS. It is a simple mistake but still far too easy to avoid.

My suggestion is to write a separate query to each individual agent. Do not craft a form letter and then edit the address and greeting line to fit each agent. Sure if you have a few form paragraphs that you wish to paste into each one, fine, but don't copy the whole letter and you'll never find yourself in this scenario.

I consider it best to query only 5-10 agents at a time anyway. Wait for their replies and if you get form rejections from each of them then you know you need to fix your query before sending more out.

Here is the damning evidence:

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am including a synopsis as well as the first ten pages of the book because that is specifically what REDACTED BUT INCORRECT Literary Agency website asks for.

I love Eastern Cultures and the many art forms they incorporate such as – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, and the Tea Ceremony as well as all the traditions and high level of art that go into them. I also love Magic and Fantasy and Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. I also do have some personal qualifications to write this story. For example my own mother died when I was eleven years old and I was then sent to live with a cruel aunt and uncle and eventually did end up at a reform school in Northern Idaho which although strange, was not nearly as fascinating as the place in which my characters find themselves within this book.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

Her understandable reply:

If you wish to follow the guidelines of the REDACTED BUT INCORRECT Literary Agency - I suggest your query to them instead of us.

She was obviously irritated but who can blame her? Then again she had an error in her angry reply too. I think she meant to say "I suggest YOU SEND your query to them instead of us." I must have really pissed her off to put her in enough of a hurry to allow for such poor grammar. It was probably written by her assistant though.

Here is the apology I sent:

I know and I am so sorry, you are absolutely right. I wish I had been using outlook and could have recalled the message. I was editing a query letter I had sent to another agency and accidentally clicked send while I was reading it over. I know how important this process is for both of us and I am very sorry to have wasted your time.

Short and sweet and to the point. She did not reply. I didn't expect her to. This is unacceptable (my mistake, not the lack of reply). Please do not make this same mistake.

No Wish to Pursue

I was so excited when I found this agency's website and it said I was allowed to submit the first five pages AND the synopsis with my query. Too bad I didn't have the patience to find out how to write a decent query letter before submitting.

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis as well as the first five pages of the book because that is specifically what your website asks for.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

FIRST FIVE PAGES pasted into body of email.

SYNOPSIS pasted into body of email.

Her reply:

Thank you for your submission to REDACTED Literary Agency. We read your query and have come to the conclusion that it is not something we wish to pursue at this time.

Best of luck with your writing career.

Sincerely,

REDACTED

This one kind of hurt at the time because the agency's website specifically stated that I was allowed to submit the first five AND the synopsis. I know the synopsis isn't great but I would like to think that the pages are. I was a little crushed because I felt like this one rejected me in spite of the actual writing. Looking back I'm pretty sure the assistant who read this query did not read past the first paragraph. They probably stopped at the word count. If they read the entire query letter they almost certainly did not continue on to read the pages.

Oh well. Live and learn.

Not Acquiring

Here is another query from that first day. It seems to have reverted back to the same shitty version. I'm pretty sure I didn't do that so it must just be that this reply came in later than the others.

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because the REDACTED website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

At first I thought putting these out there for all to see would help me let go of the feelings of despair. Now they're making me cringe a little worse each time. Oh well, I will not give up.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Matthew M. Rush

Her reply:

Thank you so much for giving REDACTED a chance to consider your work. At this time I’m not acquiring any new young adult or middle grade authors, and would not be the best agent for you.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for a more appropriate agent.

Sincerely,

REDACTED
REDACTED, LLC

Pretty encouraging considering I can always query another agent at her agency. In fact I intend to do so once I'm actually ready again. It also helped a little to think she wasn't rejecting based on poor query/pages/voice or whatever. But she probably would have if she had read past the first paragraph so in hindsight this one doesn't count. I did breathe a sigh of relief at the time though.

Minute Progress

Here is another query, same as the previous, sent out the same day (still first day of querying overall). I have since decided that one query per day is more than enough. This is an important letter and it deserves all the attention you can give it, plus at least a few hours of marination. At first I was so excited that I was figuring on quantity being all that was necessary. Just get one person to read my novel and it will get published I told myself. This was totally delusional. Not because the book isn't good, it is. But it wasn't READY.

REDACTED
REDACTED Literary Agency

May 7th, 2009

Dear Mr. REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because the Rupert Heath Literary Agency website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I have never been published but I am confident that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-422-1176, or to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

His reply:

Thanks. This does sound in many ways an exciting and ambitious project.

Unfortunately it’s not quite right for our agency, but I am sure you’ll get a lot of interest elsewhere, and I wish you the best of luck.

REDACTED

I'm pretty sure this is not a form rejection. That is all he wrote. No address, no greeting. I get the feeling that he really meant these comments for my query specifically. Not that it really matters. He's right. It is exciting and ambitious. It's also a little naive to think that people will buy a book that long. It happens, but not often with a first novel. The point is I started to feel like I was making a little progress when I got this reply.

I'm actually posting these queries in the order the replies came back, except for grouping them by version, sort of. So of the queries sent out that tragic first day this one was one of the last to come back. Sure it was a rejection. Sure there wasn't much advice offered, but it still felt a little bit different.

In the Same Vein

Here is one I sent out later that same day. You'll probably be glad to see it is at least slightly different. Or like me you'll be dismayed ... because it's jut as bad if not worse than the original.

Dear REDACTED,

The jury is apparently still out on this. Some agents seem to be fine with just a first name (as long as you get it right). Others, such as the late great Miss Snark (at least for blog related emails) and Mr. Bransford, prefer a slightly more formal approach. Research to at least TRY to find their preference. When in doubt go formal and make SURE you spell it correctly.

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because the REDACTED Agency website does not clearly state that writing samples will be accepted. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

I won't rehash points already made, but every sentence in this paragraph sucks. It's great to follow the agency's submission guidelines who you are writing to, but like the great rule of writing SHOW them you read and followed the guidelines, don't TELL them.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

I really do love these things, and they're actually really cool. The way they are described and occur in the book is great, fun, colorful even. The way they are written about here reads like a personal ad. Blah, blah ... a sort of damp farting sound made by blowing against your lips until they vibrate ... moistly. Yuck.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

This starts okay, certainly better then the previous queries. But still not good. The prose is slightly descriptive, not quite as boring as a technical manual. Then it takes a swan dive in the last couple sentences. SHOW don't TELL.

I have never been published but I am confident that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212 or to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

Her reply:

May 8, 2009

Dear Author:

Thank you so much for sending the REDACTED Literary Agency your query. We’d like to apologize for the impersonal nature of this standard rejection letter. Rest assured that we do read every query letter carefully and, unfortunately, this project is not right for us. Because this business is so subjective and opinions vary widely, we recommend that you pursue other agents. After all, it just takes one "yes" to find the right match.

Good luck with all your publishing endeavors.

Sincerely,

REDACTED

Quick but form rejection. Really truly kind and encouraging though. Doesn't mean a lot since it is probably exactly the same as thousands of others they send out but I still think it is a nice gesture. This particular agent also happens to have a great blog with lots of good advice. If you happen to figure out who she is, query her, she knows her stuff, but please don't get mad on my behalf because her rejection was very gentle and certainly a necessary step in the whole process for me.

So, slight improvement perhaps, but still a lot of room for improvement. I will continue to try to post everyday but sometimes it's just not possible. Please let me, and others, know what you think.

Another Bad Creation

Here is another query I sent out on May 7th 2009. Same query again, except this time with the added mistake that I was querying an agent who lives and works in the UK. If you're not already published this is pointless (agents and published authors please correct me if I'm wrong).

Dear Mr. REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because the Trident Media Group website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I have never been published but I am confident that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or to write to me at home at:

Street Address
City ST, ZIPCO

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

His reply:

Thank you for sending us your submission.

We’ve considered your proposal carefully, but I’m afraid we don’t feel able to offer representation in this instance.

And we’re sorry you’re receiving a form letter but the volume of submissions we receive makes it very difficult to reply individually.

Thank you again for giving us the chance to consider your work.

Yours sincerely,

REDACTED Ltd
Number Street
Oxford UKZIP

So he admits this is a form rejection, right after saying they've considered the proposal carefully, which doesn't seem to add up but with that query who can blame him? As usual it would have been nice to get some kind of personalized info or advice, even just "seeing as you live and write in the U.S. you might want to consider querying agents in your own country" would have saved me continuing to query UK agents in my ignorance, but it's really not his job to take the time to make sure every writer that queries him is well informed.

I promise that eventually the queries will evolve, even sooner or later get halfway decent, but the point of the blog is to publicly post every query I sent in regard to this novel, so that others can learn from my mistakes, and hopefully I can let go of some of the foolish guilt I've felt because of them. Please keep coming back, commenting and following, I'm feeling a little better already.

Third Verse Same as the ... Second?

Here is another query I sent out on May 7th 2009. Same query actually, except for the personalized greeting. Otherwise same query, same problems.

Dear Mr. REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because the Trident Media Group website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I have never been published but I am confident that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or to write to me at home at:

Street Address
City ST, ZIPCO

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

His reply:

Dear Mr. Rush,

Thanks very much for your query, but the project you describe doesn't sound right for me.

I wish you the best of luck finding representation for your book.

Sincerely,

REDACTED

This is most likely a form rejection but it is hard to tell for sure. You certainly can't blame him for thinking it doesn't sound right. I mean you can't even tell what happens during the story.

Second Pretty Bad Too

Here is a query I sent out on May 7th 2009, even before the worst one. It is still pretty bad but not quite as glaring as the first one I posted. It has a couple of good points but is mostly horrible and too long winded.

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, Warrior-Monks, which is complete at approximately 475,000 words. I selected you out of all agents in your agency because your bio states that you are looking for stories that capture a sense of magical realism. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a brief synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because the REDACTED Agency website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest. I will say though, that this story really has to be read to be appreciated as the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice.

Mentioning a sequel and saying the synopsis does not do the story justice are both pointless comments that make the query longer and more laborious than necessary. If the first book can't stand (sell) alone than no one is going to care about the second and an agent knows the synopsis doesn't do justice to the actual voice of the story - it's not supposed to. Telling them that in a query is insulting to their intelligence (I imagine).

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young-adult fantasy-adventure to my knowledge.

This is kind of a good idea because these themes are what sets my novel apart in interesting ways. Good idea but as you can see executed horribly. Hopefully you will notice once I get to posting some of the more successful queries how this concept evolved.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

This reads like a readers digest condensed synopsis written in crayon on the bathroom wall. The last couple of sentences are okay, but the first part - ugly. This happens, then that happens. I just got bored re-reading it myself, and I wrote it. I know the actual story doesn't sound like this at all, why would I allow my query letter - the only lifeline for the book ever being read by anyone - to make it sound so dull? It's like trying to sell a portrait you painted by showing the buyer the empty cans (or tubes) of paint left over afterward.

I have never been published but I am confident that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or to write to me at home at:

I'll just say that obviously agents know fist time authors can write great books, they represent them all the time. See the link to Mr. Bransford's post about Publishing Credits in queries.

Street Address
City ST, ZIPCO

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

So, still pretty bad right? Yep. Unfortunately this one did not end up with an exciting rejection, just form.

Dear Matthew

Thank you for sending me your Query. Unfortunately, I didn't connect enough with the description of your book to want to see more.

I wish you the best of luck in finding the right representation.

Best,

REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED Agency, Inc.

Honest. Gentle. Informative. The important thing here is the two words: connect and description. And she's right. Reading it again I can't connect with it either. She probably didn't even read the synopsis (which I didn't include here for obvious reasons) after that awkward pitch. At least I got some direction as to what needs to be improved - if only I had paid attention at the time.

First the Worst

I am going to start with one of the first query/rejections I experienced. This is not the very first query I ever sent out but close to it. As you will see below my attempt was clumsy, unprofessional, uninformed and just generally terrible. It is a little embarrassing to admit to but hey - we all start somewhere and I did actually end up learning a lot from this particular Q/R.

So here is the email I sent on May 12th, 2009:

Dear Mr. REDACTED,
I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult commercial-fiction/literary-fiction/fantasy crossover novel which has the working title "Warrior-Monks" and which is complete at approximately 475,000 words but can probably be cut by 100,000 words with the help of an experienced editor assuming the market is calling for shorter books. I am querying you and your agency because I read your blog post about your needs list from January of this year, which I certainly hope is still close to current. My novel falls into at least two of these types and fits most of your criteria.

For your Mainstream Fiction needs I would say that my protagonist is a young man from a broken family who learns to grow beyond his shyness and lack of self confidence as he comes to know himself and matures toward adulthood. The novel takes place over one year of his life, with a few flashbacks to his childhood, so it is not simply the passing of time that shows him growing but actual decisions made and actions taken that show the reader that he is growing up.

For Young Adult I would say that Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader if they get the inkling to pick it up. The story does mostly take place at a high school, but not in the traditional sense. It is a reform school in the Northern Idaho wilderness that just so happens to have a curriculum unlike any school that has ever existed.

I believe that my story would be loved by readers of all the best selling young adult novels of the last decade such as the Harry Potter series, the Eragon series (the Inheritance Cycle), the Twilight series, the Bartimaeus Trilogy, the Percy Jackson & the Olympians series, and many others but it is unique because there are no wizards, witches, werewolves, fairies, or vampires and it only includes a bit of romance to help define and develop some of the characters as well as only incorporating magic and mysticism of an everyday kind that lies somewhere between Kundalini and "The Lace Reader".

I usually apologize for having to submit via email because I am an environmentalist and I don't believe in wasting trees for paper or fuel for shipment that isn't entirely necessary, or at least artistically worthwhile (believe me I do my best to write the finest query letters that I can but I have no delusions as to their artistry) but I see in your blog that you prefer this more efficient format, which I applaud you for.

I am including the first chapter of the book but I have to apologize that it is actually almost thirteen pages in word in the Arial font at 12 points. I hope that you will forgive this because I figure that if you don't enjoy it after the first two paragraphs you will probably stop reading anyway and I don't blame you for not wasting your time. I do believe, however, that you will be intrigued.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

Street Address
City ST, ZIPCO

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

So as you can see this is just horrible. I could go on about how ignorant I was of what a good query letter is and looks like but you can probably see that for yourselves. Instead I will just post his response:

Thanks for taking the time to query me and/or send your writing sample. While your project sounds interesting, it’s not what I'm looking for at this time. For specific details on what I'm presently seeking, please visit our blog at HYPERLINK.

Good luck and thank you for your query!

Regards,

REDACTED, Author Representative
REDACTED Agency
Member AAR
emailaddress@agency.com

His response was curt but friendly, pretty standard form rejection. However, as a foolish and discouraged writer who was already beginning to hate the query process, I got angry. Emotion is okay. You will get hurt, angry and thousands of other unpleasant feelings during this process. That is normal. What is foolish and usually pointless is to act on those feelings and lash out, especially at a professional who is just doing their job.

That being said, I did. I wrote back to him because I felt like he didn't even read the query - where I clearly stated that I had read his blog - and I was insulted. As you will see what ended up happening was humiliating, humbling and sobering; but I did end up learning a great deal in the long run. My response:

I just have to say that after reading your blog, already, I have a lot of respect for you but that response was just a cop out. If you read the query letter I sent you would see that I clearly read your blog with an extreme attention to detail. Therefore it doesn't make much sense for you to suggest that I read it again. I completely understand that my project may not be appropriate for what you have the ability to represent right now but at least we should be honest with each other. I spent about three and a half hours researching you and your current needs today but this looks to be a form rejection. I fully understand that you are a business man and taking on an unproved client is a huge risk, but what does it take to get an agent to read a manuscript? I assume you have some highly educated and extremely intelligent assistants who have the time to scan some sample chapters (since I can read a YA novel in about two days). I never usually respond to rejections but since I thought that you were a particularly good fit for my project I have to ask did you read the full query and or did you read the sample chapter? If so and it just doesn't fit please give me enough respect to say so and don't pretend that I didn't show you the due respect of reading your blog post.

After reading all that you have written online you seem to be one of the most human agents out there and it is very discouraging to get a response from what seems to be a robot. I know my response sounds very angry but if I can be honest I am just very discouraged after getting a form rejection from an agent whose writing sounded very sincere and real. I know this may all not mean much to you on a personal level but all I ask is that you take a few minutes (when you have time) to read the query, and then hopefully read the entire manuscript. I know now that this will never happen but I felt that I had to speak my mind. I am not a fool and I realize that you will probably never read this entire message but if you do I am sorry that I have wasted so much of your time.

His harsh but brutally honest reply (yes it made me cringe, but he is 100% right):

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult commercial-fiction/literary-fiction/fantasy crossover novel which has the working title "Warrior-Monks" and which is complete at approximately 475,000 words but can probably be cut by 100,000 words with the help of an experienced editor assuming the market is calling for shorter books

Dear Mr. Rush,

Above you will see the what my assistant read, which was more than enough, by the way, to garner a rejection. My assistants and I send very generic rejection letters because we don't like to hurt writer's feelings. However, to learn the truth, let's analyze why you were rejected.

First of all, there is no such thing as a young-adult commercial-fiction/fantasy crossover novel. Young adult novels, by their very nature, cover all genres. All professional authors who thoroughly understand and write in the children's fiction category know this, consequently you struck out in your first sentence. But my assistant went on to find that your YA novel was 475,000 words in length and rejected you at that point.

If you could have cut your novel to 100,000 words, why didn't you? No one will handle a novel of this size, so you should have cut before you queried, not offer to do so afterward. If you want the help of an experienced professional editor, you pay for that help. The help of an experienced editor will cost you around five thousand dollars for a novel of this size. If you wish, I can give you some names.

If you had read our blog, as you insist you have, you would have seen immediately that we would never handle, read or represent a novel of this size, so you wasted your time and ours by even querying us. Your query demonstrated that you are an amateur so you received an amateur's rejection. I'm also assuming that you've been rejected by scores of other agents, most of whom, when they see a query like this one, delete it without going further. At least in our case, you were directed to a place, our blog, where all the answers one needs for being successful is contained, if a person just takes the time to read. For instance, you could have learned enough
during the time it took you to write your angry letter to probably found our good query, bad query letter examples and found your own answer as to why you've been repeatedly rejected. I hope you now have the answers you seek. Good luck with any future writing you attempt.

With sincere regards,

REDACTED

My reply:

REDACTED,

Thank you very much for your honesty, it is quite refreshing and I have learned a lot in just the last few moments of reading your reply.

Matthew

So I won't over analyze this but I will say that he was absolutely right. It was very painful at the time, and he was a little cruel in some of his wording, but the fact that he took the time to reply at all (and basically school me) was actually pretty nice. It's kind of like Simon on American Idol. Yes he can destroy people sometimes but when it comes to something as important as a person's career (even if it is just a dream of possibility) honesty, even brutal honesty, is actually a kind and kingly gift.

Of course I didn't take him up on his offer of editors but I did heed his advice. I have already cut 125,000 words from my novel and am continuing to cut more because it's still too long.

So that is essentially where it all started, painful yes, but like touching a hot stove as child, very educational. I will continue to post old query/rejections and even some query/requests until I feel my novel is ready to begin querying again.

Why I decided to blog.

I was inspired to write this blog by Nathan Bransford, a literary agent with the San Francisco office of Curtis Brown Ltd. and the author of JACOB WONDERBAR AND THE COSMIC SPACE KAPOW. IMHO (that's H for humble, though I consider it an honest opinion as well) his blog is the most informative of any literary agent out there - at least of the ones I've seen. Plus it's very funny at times, and incredibly human which helped endear it to me. He seems to love writing, agenting (is that a word?) and the entire publishing world. The fact that he is vastly knowledgable about the business, not to mention refreshingly free about sharing that wisdom, makes his blog an essential tool for any novice writer. Yes, I bought "The First Five Pages" by Noah Lukeman, "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott and "The Forest for the Trees" by Betsy Lerner and these are amazing, wonderful books on writing; but Nathan's blog offers much more practical advice ... and it's free (that being said any aspiring writer should be perfectly willing to spend money on books, diligently, especially debut novels - how else can we expect our books to sell someday?)

Nathan's blog can be found here. If it were up to me his THE ESSENTIALS posts would be required reading for every writer trying to kidnap an agent. No, I have not queried him yet but that is because I was fortunate enough to discover his blog after I realized that my novel wasn't ready and because I like him so much - or at least the idea of him as an agent - that I want to wait until my book is truly ready, or as ready as it can be before professional advice and copy editing.

Welcome to The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment.

Hello and welcome to the Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment.

My name is Matthew MacNish. I am a novice writer who has completed his first novel and decided to share my querying experience with other amateur novelists so that we can share a little of the pain together and then perhaps some green but talented wordsmith in the misty future will learn something from my experiences - even if I never end up getting published.

I realize that the name of this blog is silly, possibly even irritating; but I find a certain parallel between it and the tormenting, hair-pullingly maddening process of writing polished professional query letters to strangers that are supposed to "pitch" what is essentially my heart and soul to them in a page or less. I spent a year writing the thing and after 475,000 words in the first draft (yes that word count is correct) I felt somehow drained and ecstatic at the same time. As of this post still not one agent has read my full manuscript. It wasn't until my first personalized rejection that I realized writing the story is the easy part.

It is hateful, tedious, spirit-rending work that I considered either beneath me or beyond me for a long time. I'm a writer, for god's sake, an artist even, hopefully ... not a secretary, an attorney or a salesmen (successful query writing seems to require a bit of each profession's skill set). On the other hand I have found that with a lot of research and feedback, prior to clicking send if possible, the whole process can be much simpler and more effective, though still painful at times - kind of like getting a booster shot rather than having a wart removed.

The way that this is going to work is that I plan to send 100 queries to 100 separate agents by the end of this year. I realize and admit it's a bit of a rip off of Julie and Julia (except for writers not foodies) but my hope is that this might somehow help others avoid the mistakes I've made and therefore hopefully be more meaningful, though probably far less entertaining. Agent's personal info will be redacted from posts. If you do happen to figure out who an agent is that rejected me, form or otherwise, please do not go after them on my behalf (you will have enough fire for vengeance burning in your belly over your own submission processes, trust me).

Then, while we all wait breathlessly for responses I hope that this will be a forum for suggestions, questions, rants, and other general sharing by writers. I intend the blog to be mainly a meeting place for amateur, unpublished authors, but if a published writer or - god forbid - an agent wishes to grace us with their presence, all the better. Please let's work together to make this a knowledge base that furthers all our efforts toward becoming professional writers and achieving our dreams and not sink to disparaging anyone in the publishing world - though a certain degree of expression of anguish is to be expected.

This blog is about the query process - not my novel. If anyone absolutely has to read it please let me know and I will consider it. Of course any agents who by some miracle find this clumsy journal are welcome to express interest. If I do manage to somehow obtain representation by year's end I will certainly keep the blog going; albeit based more more closely on the specifics of success than the woes of submission/query purgatory.

I will make a few brief points about the book because querying is clearly specific - not only to the genre but even to the project.

- I consider my book to be upper YA - but I'm a novice so what do I know. The protagonist is a 15 year old boy at the beginning but some of the themes are pretty mature so I'm not sure what that will mean in the long run. I hope boys 14-17 will love it, but the thing that matters is whether they will buy it.

- 475,000 words is about three times too long for a debut novel these days it seems. Apparently about four times too long for YA. The fact that it incorporates fantasy seems to give me a little room, but not this much.

- After learning about these word count restrictions (suggestions) through some of the positive agent feedback I have gotten, I have managed to cut it to 350,000 and it still makes sense! I am still editing for length and have a ways to go but have come to accept that it may require a split into two novels before anyone will publish it.

- Speaking of word count this really frustrates me because the books I love are all nearly as long as my first draft or even longer. By the way I use the exact MS word word count not the convoluted 250 words per page formula. You may have to use the formula when communicating with professionals but to me the REAL length (as far as ability to draw the reader in and maintain their focus without fatigue) is far more important than the cost of manufacturing the actual pages. To publishing professionals the opposite will be true - mostly - so be prepared. Still, the restriction on debut novel length does make some sense, however frustrating. Why would the publisher want to spend any more than necessary to produce a product before they have some indication of how successful it will be?

So welcome to The QQQE. Hopefully we can all find some level of catharsis together.