Patricia Moussatche's Current Query

I've had Patricia on before. Now she's back, with a revision.

Here's the query:

Dear [Agent Name],

David and Catrine, top governance graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day she kisses him on the way to their proposal defense. It is the kind of kiss that makes a guy forget his speech. Catrine steps in to salvage their pitch, and earns for herself the directorship of the new program they proposed.


When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath Catrine's hair, he is convinced she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. David is appalled by the discovery that a single family has been ruling Demia in secret since colonization. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.

As the utopia he has always cherished crumbles into a school-boy’s fantasy, David realizes his parents want to institute marriage on the planet by wedding him to Catrine. They want to crown him the first king of Demia. If he exposes the ploy, David will ruin both his and Catrine's chances of ever governing their planet. He can only hope his governance degree will be worth something at the other end of the galaxy. But Catrine cannot forget him, nor does she believe Demia can prosper without him. And she might just be the bait to lure him back home.

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 86,000 words, is science fiction with romantic components. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. It will appeal to those who think Jane Austen should have penned 1984.

That's it.

Please thank Patricia for sharing, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

A to Z Sign Up List is Now Open!

The sign-up list opens today – but read first before adding your name!

The A to Z Challenge is posting every day in April except Sundays. And since there are 26 days, that matches the 26 letters of the alphabet. On April 1, blog about something that begins with the letter “A.” April 2 is “B,” April 3 is “C,” and so on. You can use a theme for the month or go random – just as long as it matches the letter of the alphabet for the day. We recommend short posts, turn off Word Verification, and visit five blogs (or more) a day beginning with the one after yours on the list.

This year we are adding categories for those looking for like-minded blogs. Select ONE category code and enter it after your blog’s name. This is purely optional. However, if your blog has adult content, you MUST mark it (AC) or it will be removed from the list. Here are the codes:

1. WRITING : (WR)
2. BOOKS: (BO)
3. FILM : (FM)
4. PHOTOGRAPHY: (PH)
5. GARDENING: (GR)
6. CRAFT: (CR)
7. ART: (AR)
8. MUSIC: (MU)
9. CULINARY: (CU)
10. LIFESTYLE: (LI )
11. FASHION: (FA)
12. PERSONAL: (PR)
13. SOCIAL MEDIA: (SO)
14. GAMING: (GA)
15. EDUCATION : (ED)
16. POLITICS: (PO)
17. HISTORY: (HI)
18. SCIENCE: (SC)
19. HUMOR: (HU)
20. TRAVEL: (TR)
21. MISCELLANEOUS: (MI)
22. ADULT CONTENT: (AC)

Be sure to grab the badge and display it in your sidebar so we know you are participating and link to the A to Z Blog.

You’re A to Z Hosts are founder Arlee Bird at Tossing It Out, Damyanti Biswas at Amlokiblogs, Alex J. Cavanaugh, Tina Downey at Life is Good, DL Hammons at Cruising Altitude 2.0, Jeremy Hawkins at Retro-Zombie, Shannon Lawrence at The Warrior Muse, Matthew MacNish at The QQQE, Konstanz Silverbow at No Thought 2 Small, Stephen Tremp at Breakthrough Blogs, Livia Peterson at Leave it to Livia, L. Diane Wolfe at Spunk on a Stick, and Nicole at The Madlab Post.

This is the fourth Challenge. I've only co-hosted once, but last year introduced me to more new blogs than any month since I started blogging! Are you ready to join us in the greatest blogging event ever?

NOTE: Please read the instructions carefully, and follow them, because we won't be able to change your entry once it is added to the list.

A to Z Sign-Ups Open on Wednesday!

So ... there are going to be a couple of changes to the A to Z blogging challenge this year. Nothing major, just some fun stuff to include more people.

We'll be making some announcements soon.

For now, just be ready - the list will open up on Wednesday, and you can all start signing up then.

Until then, have the best Monday you can!

Christine Danek's Current Query Critiqued

Okay, first of all, sorry I'm late. I had to stick around at home this morning, and wait to find out whether school was closed in our county (it is). Having grown up in Minnesota, it's a little ridiculous to see school closings simply because the temperature drops below freezing, but I suppose when the community has no cold weather infrastructure (ice/salt trucks, plows) it does make some sense.

Anyway, let's get back to work. Here is Christine's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear Mr./Ms.,

Junior year sucks for Sadie Perkins, this is an independent clause. she creates a dream world (hot guy included) to escape her far-from-perfect life, but when monsters try to enslave her, she must fight to leave her growing nightmare alive. Okay, so you've got some very cool elements here, but this isn't really working for me as your opening hook. First of all, we don't know anything about Sadie, except that she's a girl, and a junior. The fact that her year sucks means nothing, because we all know high school sucks for everyone. Moreover, we don't have any understanding of the logistics of this dream world, or how literally you mean what you're saying here.

Does Sadie have the power to literally create a dream-like world? If there are monsters trying to enslave her (and not just in her nightmares when she's sleeping), and they're actually threatening her life, then it sounds like she does. How did she get this power? How does it work? Is it only a curse, or are there some elements of blessing to it as well?

Falling through the ground and waking up in the world of your dreams ruled by the hottest guy around would seem awesome if your ex wasn’t with you. It makes more sense now, as you start to expand on this concept, but do you see how the vagueness leaves the rules of your world making no sense in the opening paragraph? Seriously, trying to figure out how to get accepted by your parents is hard enough, but when you are asked to stay in a world you dreamed up with a super hot guy, this is the third time you've mention Nameless Hot Guy. Normally I'm all good with not naming too many characters in a query, but now I'm starting to wonder. Should you name him? Maybe. But I think you should definitely say a bit more about him. He rules the dream world? How so? Like a king or something? the decision can be harder than you might think, especially when he may swipe your imagination(,) making you a slave(,) or you just might flat out die.

Sadie must resist the temptation of her dream world, why? It seems mostly horrible. You may need flesh it out more, so we can understand why whether to leave or stay is such a sadistic choice. and face the reality of her real one before the Dream Thieves catch up to her. Now this I like. Brief, succinct specificity is at the heart of most good queries.

DREAM THIEVES is a young adult paranormal novel with fantasy elements, complete at 70,000 words. I am an active member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Christine Danek

The rest of this is perfect.

Now, to summarize. Your query has some awesome elements, but you really need to work on explaining the logistics better. The writing is strong, the stakes and conflict build to what I'm sure will be an excellent choice at the end, once you can explain how this other world works.

It's your story, so how to go about it is up to you, but I would suggest you make it clearer right up front how this wold connects to Sadie's dreams, how much control she has over it's creation (you say "she creates a dream world (hot guy included) to escape her far-from-perfect life" in the beginning, but then it seems like she doesn't have control), and how exactly she enters it (and how or whether she is able to leave at will). The other world sounds cool (hot guy included), but with all your stakes and conflict tied to it, we need it to be clear that it's not just a dream (unless, you know, it is).

Finally, more about Sadie in the opening would be great. We can infer a bit about her character from her struggling with being a junior, and her choice to escape her troubles by dreaming (in other words, she's probably not the assertive, alpha personality type), but you could add another word or two of characterization here and there, and that would really help us sympathize with her from the get go.

That's it.

So, what do you all think? Are you as confused by this dream world as I am, or am I missing something?

Christine Danek's Current Query

There was a nice harvest moon, hanging low in the western sky this morning, nearly full. The air was crisp, but not too cold.

Anyway, today we have Christine's query. I've had her on before, but if you don't know Christine, definitely go follow her blog at Christine's Journey.

Now, her query:

Dear Mr./Ms.,

Junior year sucks for Sadie Perkins, she creates a dream world (hot guy included) to escape her far-from-perfect life, but when monsters try to enslave her, she must fight to leave her growing nightmare alive.

Falling through the ground and waking up in the world of your dreams ruled by the hottest guy around would seem awesome if your ex wasn’t with you. Seriously, trying to figure out how to get accepted by your parents is hard enough, but when you are asked to stay in a world you dreamed up with a super hot guy, the decision can be harder than you might think, especially when he may swipe your imagination making you a slave or you just might flat out die.

Sadie must resist the temptation of her dream world, and face the reality of her real one before the Dream Thieves catch up to her.

DREAM THIEVES is a young adult paranormal novel with fantasy elements, complete at 70,000 words. I am an active member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Christine Danek

That's it.

Please thank Christine for sharing, but otherwise save your feedback for tomorrow!