I'm out of town, enjoying granola from cooperative food markets, organically grown local vegetables, riding electric buses, and avoiding unwashed hippies who smell like patchouli oil. So I asked my friend to write a post. His name is Maine Character. You all know him as the most excellent dude in the blogoshpere. He leaves the best comments.
I asked him to write something thoughtful and profound. Take it away Clyde (his name has been changed to protect me from myself):
Whoever your favorite author is, there’s a good chance they have a blog, which means you can write to them directly any time you like. For aspiring writers like us, this is pure heaven on a stick. But in such a crowd of admirers, how can you stand out?
Here’s six surefire methods to spice up your comments so that your favorite authors will not only notice you, but give you the attention you deserve.
1) The first time you comment, jump right in and act like you’ve known the author for ages. Even better, give them a nickname, like “Sperkie.”
2) For your avatar, use a photo of the author’s dog. This way, whenever they see your comments, they will positively glow with love and want to give you treats.
3) Don’t hold back – brevity may be the soul of wit, but word count is the soul of comments. The author has given you plenty of space to post your thoughts, so unload all you like. In fact, go for multiple posts an hour, and watch their comment numbers reach new heights.
4) If someone else posts a comment and gets a laugh from the author, you must take them down. Ridicule their avatar. Go to their blog and mock their vacation photos. Authors love being fought over.
5) If they don’t reply to a question you asked, ask it again. And again. As in all writing endeavors, persistence pays. So do CAPITAL LETTERS.
6) Sooner or later – and it will happen – the author will send you your own private e-mail. Congratulations! You are now friends with a famous author! Writing buddies! Don’t be dismayed if they aren’t polite about it. In fact, the author may cloak their appreciation in words like “cease” and “desist.”
But don’t let that fool you – they're just testing your dedication. Every author has to go through multiple rejections before acceptance, and becoming BFF with your favorite author is totally worth all the extra effort.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Helene Dunbar's Current Query Critiqued
Helene and her query are back again today. I'm sure everybody is used to this by now, but just in case we get some new readers, here's how it works: Helene's query will be in regular, black text, my thoughts, feedback, and stupid jokes will be in red text. Then I would love it if you readers could offer some of your own thoughts in the comments, feeling free to disagree with me, because we all know how subjective all this is.
So let's get to work.
Dear [AGENT]:
Now let's nit-pick it as much as we can, only because there is always room for improvement.
They say your life can change in a heartbeat, but sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan knows it takes longer than .857 of a second for a car to spin towards yours and kill one of your best friends. He knows that it takes longer than that for your damaged heart to be replaced with someone else’s. And he knows that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
Now I want to talk about exactly what we're trying to get across here. Where does .857 seconds come from? Is that the length of an average heartbeat? It sounds like it might be, and I like the whole comparison of time, and how the measurement of a heartbeat ties into Cal getting a heart transplant, but I want to look at the execution.
First of all it's written wrong here. Think about how you would say this out loud. "... longer than point eight five seven of a second ..." That doesn't make sense. Neither would "...eight hundred and fifty seven thousandths of a second..." Actually, that would make some sense, but I think what you mean here is .857 seconds. The seconds need to be plural because although technically this is less than one second, mathematically we're actually talking about a plural idea.
I don't know. That's not great either, but I think you get my drift. The last thing about the opening is that I would love to get a better sense of who Cal was before the accident. Was he the caring nerd? The apathetic musician? Something else?
Cal thinks he does a lot of thinking and knowing, is he wrong? he’s lost everything: his friend, Lizzie; a promising future as a baseball player; and any chance he had with Ally Martin, the girl he’s had a crush on for two years. But when he learns that his donated heart was Lizzie’s and starts hearing her voice, sharing her dreams, and feeling her desire for their mutual friend Spencer, Cal fears he’s losing the only thing he has left – his mind. I would avoid em-dashes in queries, because they never end up formatted properly. And two dashes in a row looks like shit. You could probably just use a colon here.
As Cal is forced to examine the things he’s always taken for granted, he discovers that friendship can overcome many obstacles and that, sometimes, what you were looking for was inside you all along.
This is a tiny bit vague, but I think it works. This last line is especially great, with the implied double meaning. Love it.
GHOST LIGHT is a complete young adult novel at 64,000 words.
You don't need to say complete. Unless you're pitching a non-fiction project, your novel better be complete, even though it really isn't, until the editor says it is.
A member of SCBWI, I am a marketing manager/editor for a nonprofit organization, as well as a freelance music journalist for Irish Music Magazine (Dublin, Ireland). I have extensive non-fiction writing credits which include the 2006 biographies for “Celtic Women” (EMI/Manhattan) and articles in multiple encyclopedia series for Thompson Gale Research (Cengage Learning) including “Exploring Law & Society” and “Great American Court Cases”.
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.
So basically I really like this query. The middle is especially good. It's short, sweet (not really), and to the point. I think if you re-work the beginning, give us a better sense of what kind of person Cal is, and make the hook and the accident more active, more powerful, you'll be well on your way to The Garden of Good Queries.
Sincerely,
Helene Dunbar
What do you all think? Am I crazy? Can anyone suggest a better rewrite of Helene's opening paragraph (it wouldn't be hard to top mine)?
So let's get to work.
Dear [AGENT]:
Before I get started I just want to point out that this premise sounds incredibly compelling to me. I think if Helene submitted using this existing query, she would probably have some success. We can polish the query, but it's already pretty good, and the strength of the idea behind this story already comes through.
Now let's nit-pick it as much as we can, only because there is always room for improvement.
They say your life can change in a heartbeat, but sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan knows it takes longer than .857 of a second for a car to spin towards yours and kill one of your best friends. He knows that it takes longer than that for your damaged heart to be replaced with someone else’s. And he knows that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
Okay. So this opening hook breaks the rules a little bit, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm not sure the "they say" is the best way to grab an agent's (assistant's) attention. It's not a rhetorical question, which is good, but you don't want to place questions in your readers head that they may not have an answer to. Here the question would be "who says?"
Now I want to talk about exactly what we're trying to get across here. Where does .857 seconds come from? Is that the length of an average heartbeat? It sounds like it might be, and I like the whole comparison of time, and how the measurement of a heartbeat ties into Cal getting a heart transplant, but I want to look at the execution.
First of all it's written wrong here. Think about how you would say this out loud. "... longer than point eight five seven of a second ..." That doesn't make sense. Neither would "...eight hundred and fifty seven thousandths of a second..." Actually, that would make some sense, but I think what you mean here is .857 seconds. The seconds need to be plural because although technically this is less than one second, mathematically we're actually talking about a plural idea.
My second problem is that it all feels kind of passive. I mean yeah, Cal knows all these things, so it is him actively acting on the subject in these sentences, but it still comes across with less punch than it could, I think. What if you said something like: "It doesn't take much longer than a single heartbeat for the blur of a car to spin into sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan's Jeep, killing his best friend, and changing his life in just over .857 seconds. It takes far longer than that for the surgeons to transplant his injured heart, and he dreads that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
I don't know. That's not great either, but I think you get my drift. The last thing about the opening is that I would love to get a better sense of who Cal was before the accident. Was he the caring nerd? The apathetic musician? Something else?
Cal thinks he does a lot of thinking and knowing, is he wrong? he’s lost everything: his friend, Lizzie; a promising future as a baseball player; and any chance he had with Ally Martin, the girl he’s had a crush on for two years. But when he learns that his donated heart was Lizzie’s and starts hearing her voice, sharing her dreams, and feeling her desire for their mutual friend Spencer, Cal fears he’s losing the only thing he has left – his mind. I would avoid em-dashes in queries, because they never end up formatted properly. And two dashes in a row looks like shit. You could probably just use a colon here.
This is it right here. This is actually very good querying. You've got a great set-up for conflict, an excellent sense of what the character is going to be going through, and a pretty good hint at what kind of choices he's going to have to make, all in a few nice, succinct sentences.
As Cal is forced to examine the things he’s always taken for granted, he discovers that friendship can overcome many obstacles and that, sometimes, what you were looking for was inside you all along.
This is a tiny bit vague, but I think it works. This last line is especially great, with the implied double meaning. Love it.
GHOST LIGHT is a complete young adult novel at 64,000 words.
You don't need to say complete. Unless you're pitching a non-fiction project, your novel better be complete, even though it really isn't, until the editor says it is.
A member of SCBWI, I am a marketing manager/editor for a nonprofit organization, as well as a freelance music journalist for Irish Music Magazine (Dublin, Ireland). I have extensive non-fiction writing credits which include the 2006 biographies for “Celtic Women” (EMI/Manhattan) and articles in multiple encyclopedia series for Thompson Gale Research (Cengage Learning) including “Exploring Law & Society” and “Great American Court Cases”.
This is great. I can't see anything to change in these credits.
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.
So basically I really like this query. The middle is especially good. It's short, sweet (not really), and to the point. I think if you re-work the beginning, give us a better sense of what kind of person Cal is, and make the hook and the accident more active, more powerful, you'll be well on your way to The Garden of Good Queries.
Sincerely,
Helene Dunbar
What do you all think? Am I crazy? Can anyone suggest a better rewrite of Helene's opening paragraph (it wouldn't be hard to top mine)?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Helene Dunbar's Current Query
Here's another query for you all. This time you don't have to go follow Helene's blog, because she doesn't have one.
But you do still have to save your feedback for tomorrow. Thank you.
The query:
Dear [AGENT]:
They say your life can change in a heartbeat, but sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan knows it takes longer than .857 of a second for a car to spin towards yours and kill one of your best friends. He knows that it takes longer than that for your damaged heart to be replaced with someone else’s. And he knows that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
Cal thinks he’s lost everything: his friend, Lizzie; a promising future as a baseball player; and any chance he had with Ally Martin, the girl he’s had a crush on for two years. But when he learns that his donated heart was Lizzie’s and starts hearing her voice, sharing her dreams, and feeling her desire for their mutual friend Spencer, Cal fears he’s losing the only thing he has left – his mind.
As Cal is forced to examine the things he’s always taken for granted, he discovers that friendship can overcome many obstacles and that, sometimes, what you were looking for was inside you all along.
GHOST LIGHT is a complete young adult novel at 64,000 words.
A member of SCBWI, I am a marketing manager/editor for a nonprofit organization, as well as a freelance music journalist for Irish Music Magazine (Dublin, Ireland). I have extensive non-fiction writing credits which include the 2006 biographies for “Celtic Women” (EMI/Manhattan) and articles in multiple encyclopedia series for Thompson Gale Research (Cengage Learning) including “Exploring Law & Society” and “Great American Court Cases”.
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Helene Dunbar
So that's it. Say hello to Helene, and get ready to come back tomorrow.
UPDATE: Helene can be found on Twitter, if you'd like to harass her there.
But you do still have to save your feedback for tomorrow. Thank you.
The query:
Dear [AGENT]:
They say your life can change in a heartbeat, but sixteen-year-old Cal Ryan knows it takes longer than .857 of a second for a car to spin towards yours and kill one of your best friends. He knows that it takes longer than that for your damaged heart to be replaced with someone else’s. And he knows that overcoming his guilt could take a lifetime.
Cal thinks he’s lost everything: his friend, Lizzie; a promising future as a baseball player; and any chance he had with Ally Martin, the girl he’s had a crush on for two years. But when he learns that his donated heart was Lizzie’s and starts hearing her voice, sharing her dreams, and feeling her desire for their mutual friend Spencer, Cal fears he’s losing the only thing he has left – his mind.
As Cal is forced to examine the things he’s always taken for granted, he discovers that friendship can overcome many obstacles and that, sometimes, what you were looking for was inside you all along.
GHOST LIGHT is a complete young adult novel at 64,000 words.
A member of SCBWI, I am a marketing manager/editor for a nonprofit organization, as well as a freelance music journalist for Irish Music Magazine (Dublin, Ireland). I have extensive non-fiction writing credits which include the 2006 biographies for “Celtic Women” (EMI/Manhattan) and articles in multiple encyclopedia series for Thompson Gale Research (Cengage Learning) including “Exploring Law & Society” and “Great American Court Cases”.
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Helene Dunbar
So that's it. Say hello to Helene, and get ready to come back tomorrow.
UPDATE: Helene can be found on Twitter, if you'd like to harass her there.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A.B. Keuser's Current Query Critiqued
Today we have Amy's query back again, this time with my feedback. My thoughts will be in red.
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex I would like to hear a last name here. Lex is a very cool name, but I'm thinking Lex Diamond, or Lex Luther. I would like to have her even more defined as a character is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas this sounds funny, but I have no idea what (or where) this is, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed I would say it's pretty obvious, but that makes it kind of funny, so you can probably keep this. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
One last nit-picky point is that depending on how large a cloudskimmer is, I'm not sure two thugs parachuting onto one constitutes an ambush. There's probably no better way to say it though. Also, am I the only one who thinks Sun Drops sounds like the name of some really good LSD from the seventies? Awesome.
Smuggling drugs oh good, it is LSD isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced this makes them sound young. Is customs employing a lot of teenagers in this world? customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter. So, what, she carries like a .22? He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about what is she talking about, and how did they suddenly get together? and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap. This sounds pretty bad-ass. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun. Wow. That is good Acid.
I think this paragraph starts out well; you clue us into the conflict and the stakes, while doing an excellent job of organically sneaking in some more world building (which is probably the best part about this query-great world). Then I get a little lost. I suppose we can infer that she escaped the goons, and met up with her contact, and you don't need every step of the plot in a query, but this felt like too much of a leap.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops. Why? As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
This is a fun little surprise here at the end, and this isn't bad as summaries go, but I think you need to be careful about these leaps of logic. I mean we can probably figure out that the cops and the 'government' of New Shanghai are after her because she suddenly shines like a glow stick at a rave, and that reveals her as a drug user, or even smuggler, but it doesn't explain why the whole city's after her.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete redundant at 90,000-words.
All in all I think this is a damn fine query. You build this world excellently, and the plot certainly sounds exciting. I think with a little tweaking, and a better sense of character in the beginning, this could really shine. Maybe even glow like the sun.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Well there we go. What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Is there anything else you would cut? Or something that needs to be added? Please share your feedback in the comments.
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex I would like to hear a last name here. Lex is a very cool name, but I'm thinking Lex Diamond, or Lex Luther. I would like to have her even more defined as a character is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas this sounds funny, but I have no idea what (or where) this is, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed I would say it's pretty obvious, but that makes it kind of funny, so you can probably keep this. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
Okay. So this opening paragraph is pretty good. It sets up the plot very well, gives us just a bit of backstory, and certainly has an interesting hook at the end. But I would really like to know more about Lex first. We know what she does, but we don't really know who she is. Sometimes that's hard to convey, and the job she does certainly tells us something about what kind of person she is, but I'd like to know a little more.
Is she the black sheep from a high-society family, or an orphan from the slums of New New York? Also, I know this isn't YA, so her age is probably not crucial, and I get the feeling she's twentysomething, but if she's fortysomething we might need to know that.
One last nit-picky point is that depending on how large a cloudskimmer is, I'm not sure two thugs parachuting onto one constitutes an ambush. There's probably no better way to say it though. Also, am I the only one who thinks Sun Drops sounds like the name of some really good LSD from the seventies? Awesome.
Smuggling drugs oh good, it is LSD isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced this makes them sound young. Is customs employing a lot of teenagers in this world? customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter. So, what, she carries like a .22? He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about what is she talking about, and how did they suddenly get together? and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap. This sounds pretty bad-ass. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun. Wow. That is good Acid.
I think this paragraph starts out well; you clue us into the conflict and the stakes, while doing an excellent job of organically sneaking in some more world building (which is probably the best part about this query-great world). Then I get a little lost. I suppose we can infer that she escaped the goons, and met up with her contact, and you don't need every step of the plot in a query, but this felt like too much of a leap.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops. Why? As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
This is a fun little surprise here at the end, and this isn't bad as summaries go, but I think you need to be careful about these leaps of logic. I mean we can probably figure out that the cops and the 'government' of New Shanghai are after her because she suddenly shines like a glow stick at a rave, and that reveals her as a drug user, or even smuggler, but it doesn't explain why the whole city's after her.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete redundant at 90,000-words.
All in all I think this is a damn fine query. You build this world excellently, and the plot certainly sounds exciting. I think with a little tweaking, and a better sense of character in the beginning, this could really shine. Maybe even glow like the sun.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Well there we go. What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Is there anything else you would cut? Or something that needs to be added? Please share your feedback in the comments.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A.B. Keuser's Current Query
You guys remember how this works, right? First things first: go visit Amy's blog. Follow her.
Second, read her query:
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
Smuggling drugs isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter. He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops. As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete at 90,000-words.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Third, say hi to her in the comments. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, as today is only for introductions. Thanks!
Second, read her query:
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
Smuggling drugs isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter. He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops. As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete at 90,000-words.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Third, say hi to her in the comments. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, as today is only for introductions. Thanks!
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