Abby Minard's Current Query Critiqued

Man. I hate my job. I've been so slammed this morning, I'm only just starting this post now, at 7 AM. Anyway, here is Abby's query again, this time with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear ______,

Holding her dying father in her arms is just just is one of those words a lot of publishing professionals hate. If you keep this opening, you could replace it with only. the beginning for sixteen(-)year(-)old Nuala, a novice Ice Mage. I think Ice-Mage should be hyphenated. It's kind of a single noun construct. Jarlath, a power hungry Earth Mage, murdered him. Worse, he has found a way to acquire the energy of all four Elements: Earth, Ice, Fire and Wind -- a feat that takes a terrible act of sacrifice and murder.

Okay, so when it comes to content - I love this opening. I love fantasy, and I love elemental magic, especially your spin on it, since you've replaced the standard Water with Ice. However, I'm not sure about the execution. I think character needs to come before the inciting incident. I mean, opening with her father dying in her arms in certainly powerful in its own way, but we don't know who she is yet, and it's important to know and care about that first.

I would open something like this: "Sixteen-year-old Nuala is an uncertain novice Ice-Mage. Holding her dying father in her arms is only the beginning of her suffering (or stuggles, problems, whatever). When she discovers Jarlath, a power obsessed Earth Mage murdered him ..." That's not perfect either, but I'm sure you get the point.

I also like that you made an Earth elemental wielder the bad guy, since it's almost always the Fire guys who get the bad rap.

Nuala learns her mother’s suicide fifteen years ago enabled Jarlath’s rise in power. I like how this raises the stakes, but we need a better understanding of why. Was her mother in some kind of position of power? He now needs Nuala’s essence to complete what her mother did not finish. Be specific. What didn't she finish? If he succeeds, it could mean the destruction of the delicate balance that holds the Elements and people of Tartha together. Nuala is given the only clue to defeating Jarlath, spoken by Mother Earth herself: “Not one with four, but four as one”. I like this. Mysterious, but also a good plot ticket.

This paragraph is mostly pretty good, you're raising the stakes and heightening the conflict, and only need to clarify a couple minor things.

The timid I like this characterization, you should actually put this word right up front, where I wrote "uncertain" in my example. Ice Mage must now embark on a perilous journey in search of the key to solving the riddle while coming to terms with her father’s death and rumors of her mother’s betrayal. Now it's a betrayal? You really need to be specific about exactly what happened in the previous paragraph, otherwise, the mother aspect makes very little sense. She meets three other Mages along the way who seem to be sent from the gods: an answer to her prayers. I'm not sure about this. It kind of sounds either like hyperbole, or Deus Ex Machina. I don't think it's the latter, because it sounds like it comes too early, but be careful how you word things. With every strike from Jarlath, the four Mages form an everlasting bond of friendship, taking them closer to the answer on how to defeat him. How? How does their friendship provide the answer? With that comes a choice: risk their Elements and possibly their lives to save Tartha, or save themselves and watch their world fall to the enemy. This is great. Concluding with a distinct, tough choice is one of the hardest parts of a query letter, but you've killed it here.

So, to summarize, based on content, this sounds like one of the coolest stories I've looked at lately, from the query. I could be biased because of my general love of fantasy and elemental magic, but so what?

Now, that being said, there are some things you need to work on. You end it all rather well, and your opening is not half-bad either, but things are pretty muddied up in the middle. If you're going to bring the mother aspect into play, in particular, you need to clarify exactly what happened, why it matters, and how this backstory element pertains to the current conflict. I get the feeling Nuala's mom was someone in power, who conducted some kind of ritual to keep Jarlath or others like him from power, but it failed, killed her, and people thought it was suicide. But I could easily be wrong, especially considering you refer to it all as a betrayal at one point.

That one aspect, and maybe a little better characterization in the beginning, are the two biggest things you need to improve in this query. Otherwise, you're off to a great start, and obviously have a very cool story to tell.

ICESONG is a Young Adult Fantasy complete at 71,000 words and is available on your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Abby Minard

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anyone have a better opening hook than mine?

Abby Minard's Current Query

Before we get to Abby's letter, I just want to say I knew it. I knew there was something going on with the New Orleans Saints that was cheap and underhanded. They robbed my Vikings of our last best hope to win a Superbowl in the 2010 NFC Championship game (after the 2009 season). I could always tell something was rotten in Denmark, and now it's nice (actually - shitty) to know what was going on.

If you don't know what I'm on about, and you care, Google "Bounty Gate." It's gotten so bad, and that game in which the Vikings were robbed is such a perfect example of what was going on, that the NFL has cancelled a replay of that game that was supposed to occur this week.

I know, crying after the fact isn't well respected among sports fans. Sorry. End rant.

Now, do you guys know Abby Minard? Don't let my sports woes ramblings drive you away from meeting this awesome writer and blogger. She blogs at her self titled blog, which you can find, here.

Go follow her, you won't regret it. Back?

Here's her query:

Dear ______,

Holding her dying father in her arms is just the beginning for sixteen year old Nuala, a novice Ice Mage. Jarlath, a power hungry Earth Mage, murdered him. Worse, he has found a way to acquire the energy of all four Elements: Earth, Ice, Fire and Wind -- a feat that takes a terrible act of sacrifice and murder.

Nuala learns her mother’s suicide fifteen years ago enabled Jarlath’s rise in power. He now needs Nuala’s essence to complete what her mother did not finish. If he succeeds, it could mean the destruction of the delicate balance that holds the Elements and people of Tartha together. Nuala is given the only clue to defeating Jarlath, spoken by Mother Earth herself: “Not one with four, but four as one”.

The timid Ice Mage must now embark on a perilous journey in search of the key to solving the riddle while coming to terms with her father’s death and rumors of her mother’s betrayal. She meets three other Mages along the way who seem to be sent from the gods: an answer to her prayers. With every strike from Jarlath, the four Mages form an everlasting bond of friendship, taking them closer to the answer on how to defeat him. With that comes a choice: risk their Elements and possibly their lives to save Tartha, or save themselves and watch their world fall to the enemy.

ICESONG is a Young Adult Fantasy complete at 71,000 words and is available on your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Abby Minard

That's it!

Please feel free to say something to console me about my poor Vikings, or to make fun of me for being such a baby, but definitely be sure to thank Abby for having the courage to share her query letter so that we all can learn together. Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, too.

Thanks!

Teenage Heartthrob Blogfest

First things first, today I finally begin querying WARRIOR-MONKS. Yes, the manuscript that has been four years in the making is actually (hopefully) ready for submission. I'm only sending out 3 letters. I had hoped to send 5, but 2 of the agents I had planned on submitting to are currently closed to queries. No worries, I'd rather wait and make sure everything is working, rather than just shotgun as many agents as possible, as I have done in the past.

Anyway, today is, as you can see from the loveliness above, The Teenage Hearthrob Blogfest, hosted by Sarah Ahiers (Falen), Vic Caswell, and Emily White. Josh, Alex, and I are the only dudes taking part, so please applaud us for our courage.

(One of) my main crushes when I was younger (who am I kidding, I still love her), was Gwen Stefani of No Doubt fame. The 2 Tone, ska, and punk-rocker is one of the most beautiful women to ever record an album, and her taste in music isn't half bad, either. Rather than go into a long history of why she rocks (a couple of quick examples: working with Sly and Robbie, and Bounty Killer), I'll just give your eyes some gifts:

And here are two of my favorite songs of hers:



Wait for Bounty Killer. He kills his verse. Get it?



Listening to this one makes my throat tight every time.

That's it. You're welcome for all the hotness. No go check the other posts.

Book Cover Lover

I'm over at Project Mayhem today, polling my daughter about book covers, and why she likes them. Please drop by, and share your thoughts.

Anita Exley's Current Query Critiqued

Here we are again. It feels a bit strange doing this on a Thursday, but this week got all screwed up when I called out of work on Monday. Anyway, enough about me. Let's get back to Anita's query. My feedback will be in red.

The letter:

Dear [agent],

[Enter research done on the agent and reference as to why I chose them to query]

If you've read a lot of my query critiques you know I suggest putting personalization at the end. But there are agents who like it up front, and it's only a matter of opinion, so I may stop mentioning it.

In Georgian England, seventeen-year-old Allie Donovan carries an Egyptian blade in her boot, a chip on her shoulder and the shadow of the noose over her life.

In many ways, this is one of the best opening hooks I've ever read. You've got a touch of world building, a dash of character, and a whole heaping barrage of voice. I would only make a couple suggestions. One, Georgian England makes it sound historical, rather than alternate history. You could maybe say not-quite-Georgian England, or something like that. Anyone who could write that sentence can come up with something better than mine. Two, I LOVE the line about the shadow of the noose hanging over her life, but reading through the rest of the query, I can't figure out what it means. Perhaps I'm missing something, but it seems key to me to know why and how this shadow hangs over her. Were her parents hung as criminals? Does she somehow face the threat of the gallows? It's such a great line, don't steal it's thunder by not giving us enough info for it to make sense.

Common born Allie roams the slate hallways of exclusive St Matthew(')s when I first read this, I thought this was a neighborhood for some reason. Clearly, with halls and not streets, it's not, but you could add school, or academy after Matthew's. armed with her dagger and sharp wit, trying to find her place in an inhospitable environment. She sparks conflict, physical and verbal, with the aristocratic Jared McLaren. The handsome noble is undefeated with a blade, until Allie turns his sense of honour upon him, for a win. I don't think you need this last bit. It's redundant. If he was undefeated, clearly she beats him. However, I'm also a little concerned as to how you win a knife fight without seriously injuring the other person.

When a King(')s Royal Aeronautical Corp airship lands at school, discharging black clad soldiers(,) it raises a spectre from Allie’s past. How? What Spectre? Get specific. Breaking Jared into the underground laboratory of their mutual friend, Zeb, they discover he’s not just constructing mechanical cats and automated limbs. I do like this, but what are they running from and why? It's not hard to infer that the KRAC commandos are after Allie, Jared, or both, but I would really like to know why, assuming that is what's going on here. He is working on a devastating new weapon for the military. If they're running from the military, why would they run to someone working for them? Or is the KRAC not the military? I like all these elements a lot, but I'm left a little confused as to how they fit together.

With Zeb marked as a target by the underworld, KRAC fails to protect him. Maybe I have this all backward. Are the KRAC on their side? If they're protecting Zeb, are they protecting Allie and Jared too? Allie’s illicit skills and contacts make her the only one Jared can trust. This is vague. I get that her skill with a blade and her apparent connection to the underworld can help Jared survive if he's on the run from something, but none of this really makes any sense unless we know who or what they're running from, and more importantly, why. The deeper Allie goes, into what? her feelings for Jared intensify, as she discovers her history is intertwined with their mission. Which is what? We have no idea what their mission is.

In revealing her past, Allie jeopardises I take it this is spelled correctly in British English. her future. Vague. She must decide her course if they are to find the weapon before it plunges Europe into a monstrous war. I thought Zeb already had the weapon? Did he lose it?

REVELATION is a steampunk novel aimed at the young adult market. I'm not sure I would word it this way. I would say something like "REVELATION is a YA Steampunk Adventure with threads of Romance," or you know, something better. I would avoid talking about markets in a query. The novel manuscript is complete at 76,000 words, and is available upon request.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

All right. Let's summarize. I may be biased, because I pretty much love anything even remotely steampunk right off the bat, but this sounds like one of the coolest stories I've seen in a while. The elements of an incredible tale are clearly there, and you've displayed your talent as a writer explicitly, especially with that wonderful opening hook.

What's missing here is a clear and specific sense of plot. We know the basic conflict: there is a weapon, and they must find it, or protect it, or destroy it, to save the world. The problem is that we don't have a clue why Jared and Allie are involved, or exactly how their involvement works, other than they are both friends with Zeb. You don't need a lot more info, just a tidbit here and there to connect one awesome element to another.

Try to address the specific questions I've presented above, and I think your query will be in excellent shape.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Are you as confused as I am about Allie and Jared's role? Did you catch something I missed? What else would you like to see come into play?