PEACE.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Colene Murphy's Current Query Critiqued
Okay. Today we've got Colene's query again, but this time with my thoughts. Before we get to that though, I've got some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that I won't be at my desk today, responding to your comments via email, which I love to do because the interaction and conversation that comes with that is what blogging is all about, to me.
The good news is that I won't be there because I'll be on a flight to Boston to visit my little sister for her 30th birthday. It's all very exciting and I'll put some cute pictures of us up tomorrow.
Now, let's get to Colene's query. Here it is, with my thoughts in red.
Dear Agent,
17-year-old Faith just wants to get out of the decrepit orphanage, forget no one wanted her, and be left alone with her boyfriend. This opening line is great. It makes a really strong hook, and I'm trying to figure out how to make it better, but it's tough. I will make a few points: the forgetting about no one wanting her is a little redundant, because obviously she's in an orphanage, but I actually like having it in there, because it gives the sentence better rhythm. The mention of her boyfriend feels a little vague, and tacked on, but after you read the entire query, you realize that's on purpose, and it kind of works. The pregnancy is a glitch, but she can figure that out later. LOVE it.
So I think this hook is quite good. It's only two short sentences, but we've got a decent idea of character, a bit of backstory, and an idea of what the conflict might be. If you make any changes to this, keep them subtle.
But Mrs. Simp, the director, is acting weird – homicidal weird. This is great, ups the stakes, except for one thing: I would change the "but" at the beginning to "yet" or "however" or something else. Not because it's bad grammar, bad grammar can be great for voice, but because you just ended the previous paragraph with a "but," and that makes it unclear what you're refuting.
To escape death at the hand of the once trusted employee, be careful here, I know you're talking about Mrs. Simp, but she wasn't Faith's employee, Faith flees through an ivy covered stone wall I would put an em-dash here, or at least a comma, and runs straight into another world.
There, a beautiful, strange woman named Uri is waiting. She promises a happy ending for Faith, her baby, and the boyfriend. I know we talked about this, but I think you need to clarify that the boyfriend is still back in the regular world. They can all come and live in paradise forever on one condition: Faith must follow the haunting woman deeper into the world behind the wall. It didn’t seem like much of a condition until you add in the flesh eating lake monster, city of faceless human replicas, and scorpions falling from treetops.
Colene and I discussed the use of the word "you" in a query. Strictly speaking, second person is frowned upon in query letters, but I think this instance is a little different. The unknown narrator of this query (which is an interesting point because often a narrator in a query can be the MC, even without writing in first person, or at least write with the voice of the MC) never truly addresses the reader directly, which would be breaking the fourth wall. Instead, she uses the "until you add" in a sort of colloquial, idiomatic version of "if one adds in ..."
I'll leave it up to you, dear readers, to disagree. Many of you are ever more experienced with these things than me.
As the adventure gets even freakier, Faith wants to go back. And Uri turns violent. In a rage, she burns an entire city and its inhabitants using only her will and demands possession of Faith’s unborn child in return for safe passage 'home'. Even with single quotes the period should go inside the quote, I believe. Otherwise, this is great. Quick, short, and to the point, yet it sets up very high stakes, and gives us an incredibly scary antagonist to worry about.
Faith must decide: give up the baby she didn't think she wanted in the first place to save her own life, or take up the machete and fight the all powerful, demented Uri for more than just her freedom.
I love when a query ends by summarizing a choice that must be made. Choice is at the heart of conflict, so this sums things up well. I also like that you got so specific with the machete. I mean that's weird, and totally unexpected that it wouldn't be a sword or some other normal weapon, which really entices me to want to read the pages. I need to know: why a machete?
INTO ADELLADARE is a 49,000 word fantasy horror novel for young adults.
I think you're off to incredible start here Cole. In my humble opinion this query is VERY close.
What do you guys think? As always, feel free to disagree with me! See you Monday.
The bad news is that I won't be at my desk today, responding to your comments via email, which I love to do because the interaction and conversation that comes with that is what blogging is all about, to me.
The good news is that I won't be there because I'll be on a flight to Boston to visit my little sister for her 30th birthday. It's all very exciting and I'll put some cute pictures of us up tomorrow.
Now, let's get to Colene's query. Here it is, with my thoughts in red.
Dear Agent,
17-year-old Faith just wants to get out of the decrepit orphanage, forget no one wanted her, and be left alone with her boyfriend. This opening line is great. It makes a really strong hook, and I'm trying to figure out how to make it better, but it's tough. I will make a few points: the forgetting about no one wanting her is a little redundant, because obviously she's in an orphanage, but I actually like having it in there, because it gives the sentence better rhythm. The mention of her boyfriend feels a little vague, and tacked on, but after you read the entire query, you realize that's on purpose, and it kind of works. The pregnancy is a glitch, but she can figure that out later. LOVE it.
So I think this hook is quite good. It's only two short sentences, but we've got a decent idea of character, a bit of backstory, and an idea of what the conflict might be. If you make any changes to this, keep them subtle.
But Mrs. Simp, the director, is acting weird – homicidal weird. This is great, ups the stakes, except for one thing: I would change the "but" at the beginning to "yet" or "however" or something else. Not because it's bad grammar, bad grammar can be great for voice, but because you just ended the previous paragraph with a "but," and that makes it unclear what you're refuting.
To escape death at the hand of the once trusted employee, be careful here, I know you're talking about Mrs. Simp, but she wasn't Faith's employee, Faith flees through an ivy covered stone wall I would put an em-dash here, or at least a comma, and runs straight into another world.
There, a beautiful, strange woman named Uri is waiting. She promises a happy ending for Faith, her baby, and the boyfriend. I know we talked about this, but I think you need to clarify that the boyfriend is still back in the regular world. They can all come and live in paradise forever on one condition: Faith must follow the haunting woman deeper into the world behind the wall. It didn’t seem like much of a condition until you add in the flesh eating lake monster, city of faceless human replicas, and scorpions falling from treetops.
Colene and I discussed the use of the word "you" in a query. Strictly speaking, second person is frowned upon in query letters, but I think this instance is a little different. The unknown narrator of this query (which is an interesting point because often a narrator in a query can be the MC, even without writing in first person, or at least write with the voice of the MC) never truly addresses the reader directly, which would be breaking the fourth wall. Instead, she uses the "until you add" in a sort of colloquial, idiomatic version of "if one adds in ..."
I'll leave it up to you, dear readers, to disagree. Many of you are ever more experienced with these things than me.
As the adventure gets even freakier, Faith wants to go back. And Uri turns violent. In a rage, she burns an entire city and its inhabitants using only her will and demands possession of Faith’s unborn child in return for safe passage 'home'. Even with single quotes the period should go inside the quote, I believe. Otherwise, this is great. Quick, short, and to the point, yet it sets up very high stakes, and gives us an incredibly scary antagonist to worry about.
Faith must decide: give up the baby she didn't think she wanted in the first place to save her own life, or take up the machete and fight the all powerful, demented Uri for more than just her freedom.
I love when a query ends by summarizing a choice that must be made. Choice is at the heart of conflict, so this sums things up well. I also like that you got so specific with the machete. I mean that's weird, and totally unexpected that it wouldn't be a sword or some other normal weapon, which really entices me to want to read the pages. I need to know: why a machete?
INTO ADELLADARE is a 49,000 word fantasy horror novel for young adults.
I think you're off to incredible start here Cole. In my humble opinion this query is VERY close.
What do you guys think? As always, feel free to disagree with me! See you Monday.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Colene Murphy's Current Query
You guys know the drill by now, right? This is just Colene's query, sort of a chance for you to read it, and let the concept marinate in your grey matter for a while.
Tomorrow will be for feedback, so please wait until then to tear Colene a new one. Just kidding.
Oh, by the way, if you don't know Colene, go visit her blog, and follow it.
Dear Agent,
17-year-old Faith just wants to get out of the decrepit orphanage, forget no one wanted her, and be left alone with her boyfriend. The pregnancy is a glitch, but she can figure that out later.
But Mrs. Simp, the director, is acting weird – homicidal weird.
To escape death at the hand of the once trusted employee, Faith flees through an ivy covered stone wall and runs straight into another world.
There, a beautiful, strange woman named Uri is waiting. She promises a happy ending for Faith, her baby, and the boyfriend. They can all come and live in paradise forever on one condition: Faith must follow the haunting woman deeper into the world behind the wall. It didn’t seem like much of a condition until you add in the flesh eating lake monster, city of faceless human replicas, and scorpions falling from treetops.
As the adventure gets even freakier, Faith wants to go back. And Uri turns violent. In a rage, she burns an entire city and its inhabitants using only her will and demands possession of Faith’s unborn child in return for safe passage 'home'.
Faith must decide: give up the baby she didn't think she wanted in the first place to save her own life, or take up the machete and fight the all powerful, demented Uri for more than just her freedom.
INTO ADELLADARE is a 49,000 word fantasy horror novel for young adults.
This is going to be a tough one, because IMHO this is very close. I will try to give Colene what feedback I can tomorrow.
Thanks!
Tomorrow will be for feedback, so please wait until then to tear Colene a new one. Just kidding.
Oh, by the way, if you don't know Colene, go visit her blog, and follow it.
Dear Agent,
17-year-old Faith just wants to get out of the decrepit orphanage, forget no one wanted her, and be left alone with her boyfriend. The pregnancy is a glitch, but she can figure that out later.
But Mrs. Simp, the director, is acting weird – homicidal weird.
To escape death at the hand of the once trusted employee, Faith flees through an ivy covered stone wall and runs straight into another world.
There, a beautiful, strange woman named Uri is waiting. She promises a happy ending for Faith, her baby, and the boyfriend. They can all come and live in paradise forever on one condition: Faith must follow the haunting woman deeper into the world behind the wall. It didn’t seem like much of a condition until you add in the flesh eating lake monster, city of faceless human replicas, and scorpions falling from treetops.
As the adventure gets even freakier, Faith wants to go back. And Uri turns violent. In a rage, she burns an entire city and its inhabitants using only her will and demands possession of Faith’s unborn child in return for safe passage 'home'.
Faith must decide: give up the baby she didn't think she wanted in the first place to save her own life, or take up the machete and fight the all powerful, demented Uri for more than just her freedom.
INTO ADELLADARE is a 49,000 word fantasy horror novel for young adults.
This is going to be a tough one, because IMHO this is very close. I will try to give Colene what feedback I can tomorrow.
Thanks!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Justine Dell's Current Query Critiqued
First of all: Go Hawks! Go Mavericks! Way to shock the world.
Now, let's get right to Justine's query, and my critique. My thoughts will be in red.
Perpetually eighteen-year-old Nicodemus thought he knew the purpose of Hell. After all, he was born there. It’s all about teaching humans about humanity, how to care, blah, blah, blah. Two thousand years later, he finds out he was wrong.
I think this has some strengths and some weaknesses. I mean the idea of a character who lives as some kind of gatekeeper for hell is very interesting, and the premise itself is almost enough of a hook, but not quite. We need a better idea of what the conflict is going to be. I mean I understand what you mean when you say the purpose of Hell is to teach humanity about caring, kindness, and so forth, but can you be more specific about what Nic has to do?
You've got a strong sense of character, and some great voice going, I just think you need to re-word this opening hook a bit.
Nic, part-mortal, part-freak, longs for one thing: a normal life. When he’s forced to bring a fifteen-year-old human to join the permanent ranks of Hell, he realizes normal is the last thing he will ever be. Nic wouldn’t wish his life on anyone. Who wants to be the reason a teenage mother commits suicide or be the person who starts a chain reaction that causes a father to shoot his newborn son? So how can he force someone so young to do what he does? The bringer of pain. Loss. Suffering. It’s not poetic. It’s not altruistic. It’s madness.
So in many ways I love this paragraph. It's fun to read, it's FULL of great voice, but ... it's also left me a little confused.
What exactly does Nic do? What's his "job?" I mean it sets up some great conflict and stakes to think that he is somehow the cause of all these terrible things, but I'm left feeling like I have no idea how or why he is the cause of such suffering.
Nic didn’t choose his existence, and he certainly doesn’t want to force it on someone else. But when Nic discovers he has a twin—one who’s hell-bent on killing Nic—the race for the human’s soul becomes a matter of life and death. Literally. Freakin’ great.
I like this, it raises the stakes, but my one hang up is with "the human." Is there a reason you don't want to name this character? And is "the human" the same character as the "little pop-tart human girl" you mention in this next paragraph? Which is an awesome description, by the way.
If you can make that clear, or clarify that they're the same earlier on, I think that would help.
Between damning the human to a life of servitude in Hell, the homicidal twin, and a hot little pop-tart human girl who makes Nic wild, something’s gotta give. And it has to be Nic. But death is the only answer when these worlds collide. And no one is safe when the gods play favorites. Like Nic doesn’t have enough crap to deal with.
You might want to drop the line about gods. It's the first time you've mentioned gods, and it might be a bit much, and I don't think it's needed with all the other amazing conflict you've got going on.
I'm also not exactly clear how death being the only answer works.
Title, word count, personalization, yada yada!
I think you're off to a great start, Justine. You clearly have a powerful premise going, and it sounds like your story is filled with some very interesting characters. If you can streamline this query letter, and clarify a few points, I think you'll be well on your way.
What do you all think? Please share your feedback in the comments!
Now, let's get right to Justine's query, and my critique. My thoughts will be in red.
Perpetually eighteen-year-old Nicodemus thought he knew the purpose of Hell. After all, he was born there. It’s all about teaching humans about humanity, how to care, blah, blah, blah. Two thousand years later, he finds out he was wrong.
I think this has some strengths and some weaknesses. I mean the idea of a character who lives as some kind of gatekeeper for hell is very interesting, and the premise itself is almost enough of a hook, but not quite. We need a better idea of what the conflict is going to be. I mean I understand what you mean when you say the purpose of Hell is to teach humanity about caring, kindness, and so forth, but can you be more specific about what Nic has to do?
You've got a strong sense of character, and some great voice going, I just think you need to re-word this opening hook a bit.
Nic, part-mortal, part-freak, longs for one thing: a normal life. When he’s forced to bring a fifteen-year-old human to join the permanent ranks of Hell, he realizes normal is the last thing he will ever be. Nic wouldn’t wish his life on anyone. Who wants to be the reason a teenage mother commits suicide or be the person who starts a chain reaction that causes a father to shoot his newborn son? So how can he force someone so young to do what he does? The bringer of pain. Loss. Suffering. It’s not poetic. It’s not altruistic. It’s madness.
So in many ways I love this paragraph. It's fun to read, it's FULL of great voice, but ... it's also left me a little confused.
What exactly does Nic do? What's his "job?" I mean it sets up some great conflict and stakes to think that he is somehow the cause of all these terrible things, but I'm left feeling like I have no idea how or why he is the cause of such suffering.
Nic didn’t choose his existence, and he certainly doesn’t want to force it on someone else. But when Nic discovers he has a twin—one who’s hell-bent on killing Nic—the race for the human’s soul becomes a matter of life and death. Literally. Freakin’ great.
I like this, it raises the stakes, but my one hang up is with "the human." Is there a reason you don't want to name this character? And is "the human" the same character as the "little pop-tart human girl" you mention in this next paragraph? Which is an awesome description, by the way.
If you can make that clear, or clarify that they're the same earlier on, I think that would help.
Between damning the human to a life of servitude in Hell, the homicidal twin, and a hot little pop-tart human girl who makes Nic wild, something’s gotta give. And it has to be Nic. But death is the only answer when these worlds collide. And no one is safe when the gods play favorites. Like Nic doesn’t have enough crap to deal with.
You might want to drop the line about gods. It's the first time you've mentioned gods, and it might be a bit much, and I don't think it's needed with all the other amazing conflict you've got going on.
I'm also not exactly clear how death being the only answer works.
Title, word count, personalization, yada yada!
I think you're off to a great start, Justine. You clearly have a powerful premise going, and it sounds like your story is filled with some very interesting characters. If you can streamline this query letter, and clarify a few points, I think you'll be well on your way.
What do you all think? Please share your feedback in the comments!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Justine Dell's Current Query
But first some news: somehow I lost a follower. I'm not the type to obsess over these things, but I'm not going to pretend I didn't notice. I like to tell myself that someone's blogger account expired whenever this happens, because lord knows no one would stop following me on purpose.
Also, in case you haven't heard: Assets from The United States managed to kill Osama Bin Laden yesterday. He was not, as we were told for many years, hiding in a cave in Afghanistan, but actually living in a mansion outside Islamabad. Hopefully this can provide a tiny bit of closure for the innocent people so terribly affected by the cowardly acts of 9/11.
That's all the commentary I'll be giving it.
Now let's get to my good friend Justine's current query. Remember, today is just for you to get a feel for her story, please save your feedback for tomorrow when I'll be sharing mine.
The query:
Perpetually eighteen-year-old Nicodemus thought he knew the purpose of Hell. After all, he was born there. It’s all about teaching humans about humanity, how to care, blah, blah, blah. Two thousand years later, he finds out he was wrong.
Nic, part-mortal part-freak, longs for one thing: a normal life. When he’s forced to bring a fifteen-year-old human to join the permanent ranks of Hell, he realizes normal is the last thing he will ever be. Nic wouldn’t wish his life on anyone. Who wants to be the reason a teenage mother commits suicide or be the person who starts a chain reaction that causes a father to shoot his newborn son? So how can he force someone so young to do what he does? The bringer of pain. Loss. Suffering. It’s not poetic. It’s not altruistic. It’s madness.
Nic didn’t choose his existence, and he certainly doesn’t want to force it on someone else. But when Nic discovers he has a twin—one who’s hell-bent on killing Nic—the race for the human’s soul becomes a matter of life and death. Literally. Freakin’ great.
Between damning the human to a life of servitude in Hell, the homicidal twin, and a hot little pop-tart human girl who makes Nic wild, something’s gotta give. And it has to be Nic. But death is the only answer when these worlds collide. And no one is safe when the gods play favorites. Like Nic doesn’t have enough crap to deal with.
Title, word count, personalization, yada yada!
So that's it!
Remember, please say hi to Justine and thank her for her courage in the comments, but save your advice and thoughts on her query for tomorrow, she knows it needs some work, which is why she's here, but we'll be spending tomorrow trying to help her hone this to a keen edge.
Also, in case you haven't heard: Assets from The United States managed to kill Osama Bin Laden yesterday. He was not, as we were told for many years, hiding in a cave in Afghanistan, but actually living in a mansion outside Islamabad. Hopefully this can provide a tiny bit of closure for the innocent people so terribly affected by the cowardly acts of 9/11.
That's all the commentary I'll be giving it.
Now let's get to my good friend Justine's current query. Remember, today is just for you to get a feel for her story, please save your feedback for tomorrow when I'll be sharing mine.
The query:
Perpetually eighteen-year-old Nicodemus thought he knew the purpose of Hell. After all, he was born there. It’s all about teaching humans about humanity, how to care, blah, blah, blah. Two thousand years later, he finds out he was wrong.
Nic, part-mortal part-freak, longs for one thing: a normal life. When he’s forced to bring a fifteen-year-old human to join the permanent ranks of Hell, he realizes normal is the last thing he will ever be. Nic wouldn’t wish his life on anyone. Who wants to be the reason a teenage mother commits suicide or be the person who starts a chain reaction that causes a father to shoot his newborn son? So how can he force someone so young to do what he does? The bringer of pain. Loss. Suffering. It’s not poetic. It’s not altruistic. It’s madness.
Nic didn’t choose his existence, and he certainly doesn’t want to force it on someone else. But when Nic discovers he has a twin—one who’s hell-bent on killing Nic—the race for the human’s soul becomes a matter of life and death. Literally. Freakin’ great.
Between damning the human to a life of servitude in Hell, the homicidal twin, and a hot little pop-tart human girl who makes Nic wild, something’s gotta give. And it has to be Nic. But death is the only answer when these worlds collide. And no one is safe when the gods play favorites. Like Nic doesn’t have enough crap to deal with.
Title, word count, personalization, yada yada!
So that's it!
Remember, please say hi to Justine and thank her for her courage in the comments, but save your advice and thoughts on her query for tomorrow, she knows it needs some work, which is why she's here, but we'll be spending tomorrow trying to help her hone this to a keen edge.
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