Anyway, I have some new readers here, so before we get to work I'm going to go over a few basics. A query letter is a strange and unique animal. It's part business letter, part resume, part creative essay, part evil synopsis, and part shrinking padded room. Many people hate query letters, the fact that they're necessary, and the act of creating them. I'm not going to say I blame you if you feel that way, but my relationship with the big Q has grown and morphed over the years to the point where I now hate to love them.
Right. So a standard query letter is a one page document, usually around 250 words long, that includes some kind of housekeeping information about your novel like: genre, word count, WORKING-TITLE, and so on. This information comes along with a sort of synopsis-y section that creatively describes your story, your characters, and uses voice to convey the tone and style of your novel. Finally, there really ought to be some kind of personalization that explains to an agent why you choice to query them in particular, even if you're using a poorly disguised shotgun approach (which is not recommended). This can technically come in any order, but I always advise to get right to the story, and then follow with housekeeping and personalization.
Now, in case you haven't seen one of these posts before, Kathleen's query will be in plain text below, and my thoughts, feedback, interjections, hallucinations, and mad-man's ramblings will be in blood red.
Let's do work:
Ms. So Anne So
Ural Writers Agency
1234 Publishers Avenue
NY, NY 55555
I just want to point out that I find this to be hilarious. Obviously Kathleen won't put this addressee in her real query, but why not have some fun with the example?
Re: Blood Clouds
Awesome working title, but it should be in all caps: BLOOD CLOUDS. And also, since you put the "re:" I'm assuming this is your subject line. You need more than this is your subject line. I would suggest this: Re: QUERY - BLOOD CLOUDS - Kathleen McLaughlin. But, you should also read this hilarious post on the subject, by Nathan Bransford: link.
Dear Ms. So Anne So,
Okay. So here we get to the meat of your query. The important part. The part that talks about what actually happens in your book. Let's see what we've got.
In the quaint hamlet of Raven's Corner, Detective Jordan Ireland profiles a serial killer, but her night terrors hint she's connected to the killer.
You usually want to open up a bit differently than this. There are queries that break all the rules and break them gracefully, but let's try to follow standard procedure here. You want to open with a hook and a strong sense of character. You've got some hooky information here, which is a good start, but its presentation could be better, and except for a possible occupation (someone who profiles serial killers, possibly professionally, possibly not. NOTE: I say possibly because although we know she's a detective, we don't know who she works for, or whether the profiling is her hobby) we've got almost no sense of who your character is.
I would suggest a few changes. I'm not sure you want to call Raven's Corner a quaint hamlet. To me hamlet is an archaic term, which technically refers to a small village that does not have its own church, and the phrasing here gives your setting a tone that I think you do not intend. Unless you do.
I would also add "Raven's Corner, Washington," to it, so we have a familiar sense of place.
The next thing is that I would add more information about Jordan's occupation. Is she an FBI agent? A detective for the local Sheriff's Office? There are lots of different kinds of detectives and unless she works for a large agency, it's unlikely her job actually involves profiling serial killers. It's clear you've done your research, but be more specific in your query.
Next, I want to know more about what kind of person Jordan is. Is she a divorcee? A single mom? A young professional? Often just one word to describe her personality can go a long way.
Finally, you should re-word this sentence: "profiles a serial killer, but her night terrors hint she's connected to the killer." The repetition of the word killer sounds odd here. I realize you may not want to use the pronoun "him," to replace the second instance, but you could consider using another term like "the murderer," or something like that.
So here's an example:
In the quiet Pacific Northwest village of Raven's Corner, Washington, ambitious young County Sheriff's Detective Jordan Ireland profiles serial killers even when she's not in the office. One particular murderer becomes her focus when her night terrors hint at a personal connection to him.
That's just an example, and a bad one, but it does show you how only a few more words can convey a lot more needed information.
Okay. I promise not not analyze the rest of your paragraphs so deeply.
Jordan generates the serialist's what does this mean? I looked this word up, and it either refers to a writer of serials, or a composer of serial music. Do you mean the serial killer? profile, but repressed memories vex her. When the murderer expands his hunting grounds to the emerald hillocks love this. I'm from Seattle, and I grew up on one of those emerald hillocks. of Seattle, Detective again, we need more information about his job. Is he a detective for the Seattle Police? The Bureau of Criminal Apprehension? Generally (at least to my knowledge) serial killers are handled by the FBI. Blaine Davis enters Jordan's world, but he wants to exchange more than profiling notes. She cools his ardor, focused on the killer eluding her. This whole bit is vague. I get that there's a romantic element here, and that's fine, but be specific. How does he hit on her? How does she spurn him? When the serialist there's that word again. This may be a known term for serial killers among experts in the field, but most people would not be familiar with it. I think you should just use the term "serial killer." targets Jordan's loved ones, which loved ones? the tragic events what tragic events? He actually kills her loved ones? rush her repressed memories to the forefront. She fills in the missing pieces of her own past and discovers the killer is her own brother. Wow. Now that's a shocker. It actually sounds like an awesome twist, but I think you need to work on how you present it. Talk about some specific memories, some actual example of how she figures it out. Right now it's just a bunch of vague language with a nice specific punch at the end. Stressed to the breaking point, she wonders if she's courageous enough to revisit a childhood best forgotten to face down the killer. When Davis why use his last name? is taken hostage, Jordan faces the love she can no longer deny. Wait. So now she's into him? When Jordan deduced watch your tense. This is past tense all of a sudden. she is the killer's psychological trigger, it forces him up close and dangerous. The psychological thriller, Blood Clouds, is 100,000 words.
Okay. So it's obvious you've got a great story on your hands here, and the premise is certainly an interesting one. The problem is that you're burying it under some vague and confusing language. Get specific. Show us why she get's stressed, how Blaine tries to win her love, why she's the killers trigger. Explain their occupations with more detail, so we can understand why a small town detective and a big city one would meet.
I'm college educated in criminal law and criminal justice and researched criminal profiling and serial killers. This sounds weird. Why is it worded this way? Do you not have a bachelor's degree or an associate's? If you do you should just name your degree. It should also say "haved researched ..." As a former publicity agent, lecturer and instructor and having been interviewed for print and television, I bring the professional experience needed to promote my books. Additional completed manuscripts in the series show my commitment to future projects. Don't put it this way. You need to focus on this book. If you are offered representation, then you can discuss other projects, but a query letter needs to focus on one book, even if it's in a series.
Renowned serial killer expert, Dr. Steven A. Egger, Ph.D. endorses Blood Clouds. BLOOD CLOUDS “A very good read! You obviously have done your homework...an excellent writer!” Dr. Egger is the published author of, The Need To Kill, The Killers Among Us and Serial Murder.
Hmm. I'm not sure about this paragraph. I'm not an expert in this field, so my lack of recognition of Dr. Egger probably means nothing. Let's Google him ...
There's a Tru TV article about him, but no Wikipedia page. The fifth result returned is your blog, but that may be because Google knows I've been there.
Bottom line is I'm not sure Dr. Egger's endorsement of your book is going to mean much to an agent. At least not in a query letter. If you choose to leave it in, it probably won't hurt anything, but you might want to consider letting your story and your background stand on it's own.
Please find enclosed a synopsis and sample chapters. Thank you in advance for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
You don't need to include a synopsis unless they ask for one, and your sample pages should be specific and match exactly the agent's submission guidelines, but this is just a sample query, so I'm sure you customize that in each letter. Otherwise this ending is fine.
Most sincerely,
Kathleen McLaughlin
I think you're off to a great start here, Kathleen. You've obviously got an interesting premise and an exciting story going on in your novel, and with a little work I think you can polish your query to match. Try to focus on Character, Conflict, and Choice, and be specific when you describe plot points.
That's it!
So what do you guys think? Feel free to disagree with me, but if you don't maybe help us out by suggesting another wording for Kathleen's opening hook?
Otherwise please leave your feedback in the comments, and let us know what you think.
