Today is my day to host Jeremy Hawkins, AKA [Retro] the brilliant graphic designer behind all the art for the April A to Z blogging challenge. He's got some art and design books out now, so he's touring the blogosphere to spread the word. I've asked him to share one of his awesome celebrity adventure stories with us, so I'll let him take it away:
Another day, another adventure or my encounter with a celebrity… not that there was any trouble more or less something weird happens. This is my meeting and interview of Darth Vader no not the evil Lord Vader, no the man beneath the mask David Prowse. First I wanted to thank Matt for letting me host and share some of my art/design books with you all. All those details and how to enter the “GIVEAWAY” will be at the bottom, so make sure to enter.
So I was saying that it was at one of those conventions that bring some of the top celebrities and this year was no different with a hand full of characters from Star Wars. Skipping along in enter this 6.6 man with crutches in hand barely able to make it to where we had set up our set for our shoot and interview. I am only 5’11’’ and Mr. Prowse is towers over me and the crew of the show I worked on. He informs us he needs to stretch his foot/leg out due to recent surgery he had done, we say no problem.
Problem, yes… problem. We have to find a chair fit his height and make it less uncomfortable for him and we didn’t find anything, so we used our heads. Giving him several stackable chairs he became within the perfect spectrum to be at ease with the injury. What we didn’t plan on my reach, my ability to hold the microphone in frame for the entire 15 to 20 minutes. You can learn how strong you are by holding this microphone extended for long periods of time [epic fail]. I asked my questions like a pro, answers returned as the interview went in full throttle. I started to shake and sweat the director noticed this and came up out of frame and helped by holding my arm until the end. The end came we make sure we give thanks to the celebrities for their time, Mr. Prowse leans over and said “I thought you were going to drop it, now that would have made for a interesting segue.
Please follow the tour as I will soon be sharing my brush with greatness and shift from Star Wars to Star Trek again… I am one with William Shatner. Also I am sorry to keep forgetting to tell my “Question to George Takei”, I honestly forgot… stay tuned and keep following the tour!
It's a four book series 40 pages each and it is the art/design from things I had designed over the years. It's a mish-mash of things that I had seen in my head... and some are future designs that will become shirts. Places I wanted to go artistically as you travel from where I was to where I am now. Is it great journey! Titles came from the idea of time "12:34, 35, 36 and 37” seems that is when my best ideas came to me... day or night. It's funny I never considered myself a "writer" just a man who likes to paint a canvas if it be words or my art/design.
Giveaways: Some great prizes being given away please stop over at my main page “BEING RETRO” and look just below the header for the “It’s Time” Tour Giveaway link and enter today.
Thank You, for letting me play host and to all who took the “time” to read this… you are all the best.
Jeremy Hawkins
Being Retro
beingretro.com
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Jeremy [Retro] Hawkins, JMH Digital Art Book Tour - Celebrity Adventure
Posted by
Matthew MacNish
at
6:00 AM
17
opinions that matter
Labels:
Art,
Books,
Design,
Jeremy Hawkins,
Retro
Monday, August 26, 2013
Kay Em Evans' World Race Mission Contest: Teaser
My friend Kay Em Evans is going on a World Race Mission, and needs to raise some money, for a good cause. The actual contest/auction begins next week, starting Labor Day, September 2nd. It will be an auction in which the highest bids earn prizes like signed copies of books and various critiques. For now, I'll let Kay describe the teaser.
Take it away, Kay!
Teaser prize for this week’s teaser (for writers): Query critique by, Matthew MacNish, and first 5 pages critique by Kay Em Evans.
Optional prize (for non-writers): copy of one of these books: Lonely Planet’s LONDON ENCOUNTER, Lonely Planet’s MONTENEGRO, Bill Bryson’s A SHORT HISTORY OF NEARLY EVERYTHING, or Paul Theroux’s THE TAO OF TRAVEL – to be provided by Kay Em Evans.
- Anyone who blasts about the contest just has to go Matthew’s blog (The QQQ Experiment: http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/) and comment that he/she is spreading the word and how (via which social networking platform).
- That’s it! Then that person is entered into the drawing for the query critique and firstseven-pages critique!
Matthew is a writer and a whiz at queries. His blog, the Quintessentiallyly Questionable Query Experiment, was started for that very purpose—to take the guesswork out of the query letter process. He’s interviewed all kinds of experts in this area—authors, agents, editors—and is the perfect person to critique your query. http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/
Kay Em Evans is a writer and editor. She started off writing YA and has now expanded to travel. She first discovered her knack for editing in college, when all of her friends began asking her to edit their research papers. After providing an edit and critique to a fellow writer back in 2009, that writer finally started receiving requests from agents and was later signed by the New York based literary agency D4EO. http://www.kayemevans.com/blog/kays-editing-services/
Kay Em Evans is a writer and editor. She started off writing YA and has now expanded to travel. She first discovered her knack for editing in college, when all of her friends began asking her to edit their research papers. After providing an edit and critique to a fellow writer back in 2009, that writer finally started receiving requests from agents and was later signed by the New York based literary agency D4EO. http://www.kayemevans.com/blog/kays-editing-services/
Thanks! Matt again here.
So really all you have to do is Facebook, Tweet, G+, blog, or whatever about this teaser, leave a comment here saying that you did, and you'll be entered to win the prize!
Posted by
Matthew MacNish
at
9:00 AM
7
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Labels:
Auction,
Contest,
Critiques,
Kaye Em Evans
Revision Techniques at Project MG Mayhem
The contest you may have seen me discussing recently on Facebook will be coming up soon, but for now, I'm over at Project Mayhem, discussing a revision technique I use.
Posted by
Matthew MacNish
at
6:00 AM
6
opinions that matter
Labels:
Editing,
Project Mayhem,
Project Middle Grade Mayhem,
Revising,
Revision,
Writing
Friday, August 23, 2013
Kodi Ross's Current Query Critiqued
Okay. It's been a while since I've done one of these. I may need to sharpen my blood red (blue) pencil. Anyway, today we have Kodi's query letter again, this time with my feedback, in blue.
The query:
Dear Agent,
Seventeen-year-old Marnie Haynes knows there’s no such thing as magic, she stopped believing the night her father told her that her mother died due to depression and not a Siren’s song.
Hmm. This starts out okay, with a middling sense of character in that we know we've got a kind of no nonsense older teenager who doesn't believe, but then things get odd. For one, can you die of depression? I mean sure, depression can lead to many lifestyle choices that can kill you, I'm sure, but depression itself can't actually be a clinical cause of death, I don't think, so it looks weird to see that in the opening line of a query (see Query Shark for an example of why you've got to get facts right).
That said, I like the Siren's song. For one thing, it's specific, and for another it hints at world, but it too feels a little off. Sirens called sailors from off their ships, but the men actually died of drowning, not bleeding from their ears. Isn't that how the legend goes?
But in the Bay of Sirens—a craggy, island deathtrap off the coast of Ireland—odd things are happening to make Marnie rethink her beliefs.
This though, I love. It's specific, it's Ireland, and even though the last clause is totally vague, you explain what things you mean right afterward.
After When Marnie encounters a horse drowning a boy in the ocean, bells ringing when none are around, metal that burns her, and strange creatures from island legend appearing from nowhere, she figures she’s going insane. When she starts engaging in risky behavior Drugs or sex? Be specific. her family brings her in for treatment, saying it’s time to help her mental illness before it gets any worse.
But not everyone wants to help her. When the town’s mayor claim’s Marnie is a monster and tries to poison her, then throws her off a cliff; Marnie is left hanging onto life by the strings. Huh? What strings? She’s saved by two men—both who look like monsters, with green skin, sharp teeth,and who are threatening to start a war.
Umm ... I think you're falling into synopsis territory here. As in, TMI. Remember, all a query need do is entice an agent to read pages. There are examples that break the rules, but usually that's done in a letter in which the meat of the query (the story summary) is two or three paragraphs of 250 words or less. The best queries convey CHARACTER (introduce us immediately to a person we can like (or at least love to hate) and sympathize with right away, and give us a sense of who they are before you show us what happens to them), CONFLICT (this is the obstacle the character must overcome in order to achieve her goals, it can be internal, it can be external, it can be realistic, or it can be fantastical, but in a query, it must be specific, interesting, and concise), and CHOICE (this I actually don't swear by quite as much. The best queries do often end with a sadistic choice, but sometimes that doesn't really fit the story. If a difficult choice to be made does fit your story, be sure to make it clear in your query, and at least imply what the consequences of failure will be).
I say this, partly, because your query is too long (the meat is 299 words, but it reads as even longer, probably because of so many paragraphs) but also because you want to really hold your reader's attention. The reason short queries usually work best is that you want to introduce a character, entice the reader with specific conflict and/or a well imagined world, and then have them chomping at the bit to get to your pages.
Her life is turned inside out when it’s revealed that she’s not crazy. Revealed to whom? And how? She’s part-Faerie and because of the mayor’s actions, a war has been started on her behalf. Now her real father, a Kelpie in the Unseelie Army, is willing to kill anyone—even her friends and family—to get his hands on her.
At this point you've gone on too long, but I will say this sounds interesting. Specificity is the spice of every good query. I love that you don't name her dad, but you do name his army, and his species. That really gets my imagination going. If you could work this kind of detail in earlier, and more succinctly, this query would be much improved.
Coerced into going with the Faeries to learn their ways, Marnie resolves to hate them. She's half Fae, half Kelpie, and zero percent human? It doesn't really matter, I suppose, but I'm curious. Always try to keep logistics in mind, and remember that your reader is going to be thinking, trying to figure out all the details. But as she grows closer to them, she realizes all is not what she thought. When the humans of the island hatch a plan to rid the place of the Faeries forever, it’s up to her to choose which side she’ll be on and who will survive the first, and maybe final, battle.
DARK HARBORS is a 80,000 word fantasy novel with contemporary elements that will appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s THE SCORPIO RACES.
This is good.
Thank you for your time.
Okay, in summary: you've got the elements here, the skeleton of a good query, so to speak. Even if Irish Faeries have been done, you've got some unique elements, and I can see enough to tell that the story in your manuscript is probably a lot of fun.
But ... you need to work on presentation here. You've got some high points, to be sure, but there's too much, and I think you need to focus on paring it down:
Marnie is no-nonsense, but must either accept magic is real or that she's crazy. (CHARACTER)
There is a war between the Kelpies and the Faeries--or is it the Kelpies and the humans? Not sure. (CONFLICT)
She must pick a side. (CHOICE)
Obviously there's more to it than that, but these are really the only three things you must convey. Present them in a cool way, and so that we care, and you'll be in great shape.
That's it!
What do you all think? Anything to add?
The query:
Dear Agent,
Seventeen-year-old Marnie Haynes knows there’s no such thing as magic, she stopped believing the night her father told her that her mother died due to depression and not a Siren’s song.
Hmm. This starts out okay, with a middling sense of character in that we know we've got a kind of no nonsense older teenager who doesn't believe, but then things get odd. For one, can you die of depression? I mean sure, depression can lead to many lifestyle choices that can kill you, I'm sure, but depression itself can't actually be a clinical cause of death, I don't think, so it looks weird to see that in the opening line of a query (see Query Shark for an example of why you've got to get facts right).
That said, I like the Siren's song. For one thing, it's specific, and for another it hints at world, but it too feels a little off. Sirens called sailors from off their ships, but the men actually died of drowning, not bleeding from their ears. Isn't that how the legend goes?
But in the Bay of Sirens—a craggy, island deathtrap off the coast of Ireland—odd things are happening to make Marnie rethink her beliefs.
This though, I love. It's specific, it's Ireland, and even though the last clause is totally vague, you explain what things you mean right afterward.
But not everyone wants to help her. When the town’s mayor claim’s Marnie is a monster and tries to poison her, then throws her off a cliff; Marnie is left hanging onto life by the strings. Huh? What strings? She’s saved by two men—both who look like monsters, with green skin, sharp teeth,
Umm ... I think you're falling into synopsis territory here. As in, TMI. Remember, all a query need do is entice an agent to read pages. There are examples that break the rules, but usually that's done in a letter in which the meat of the query (the story summary) is two or three paragraphs of 250 words or less. The best queries convey CHARACTER (introduce us immediately to a person we can like (or at least love to hate) and sympathize with right away, and give us a sense of who they are before you show us what happens to them), CONFLICT (this is the obstacle the character must overcome in order to achieve her goals, it can be internal, it can be external, it can be realistic, or it can be fantastical, but in a query, it must be specific, interesting, and concise), and CHOICE (this I actually don't swear by quite as much. The best queries do often end with a sadistic choice, but sometimes that doesn't really fit the story. If a difficult choice to be made does fit your story, be sure to make it clear in your query, and at least imply what the consequences of failure will be).
I say this, partly, because your query is too long (the meat is 299 words, but it reads as even longer, probably because of so many paragraphs) but also because you want to really hold your reader's attention. The reason short queries usually work best is that you want to introduce a character, entice the reader with specific conflict and/or a well imagined world, and then have them chomping at the bit to get to your pages.
Her life is turned inside out when it’s revealed that she’s not crazy. Revealed to whom? And how? She’s part-Faerie and because of the mayor’s actions, a war has been started on her behalf. Now her real father, a Kelpie in the Unseelie Army, is willing to kill anyone—even her friends and family—to get his hands on her.
At this point you've gone on too long, but I will say this sounds interesting. Specificity is the spice of every good query. I love that you don't name her dad, but you do name his army, and his species. That really gets my imagination going. If you could work this kind of detail in earlier, and more succinctly, this query would be much improved.
Coerced into going with the Faeries to learn their ways, Marnie resolves to hate them. She's half Fae, half Kelpie, and zero percent human? It doesn't really matter, I suppose, but I'm curious. Always try to keep logistics in mind, and remember that your reader is going to be thinking, trying to figure out all the details. But as she grows closer to them, she realizes all is not what she thought. When the humans of the island hatch a plan to rid the place of the Faeries forever, it’s up to her to choose which side she’ll be on and who will survive the first, and maybe final, battle.
DARK HARBORS is a 80,000 word fantasy novel with contemporary elements that will appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s THE SCORPIO RACES.
This is good.
Thank you for your time.
Okay, in summary: you've got the elements here, the skeleton of a good query, so to speak. Even if Irish Faeries have been done, you've got some unique elements, and I can see enough to tell that the story in your manuscript is probably a lot of fun.
But ... you need to work on presentation here. You've got some high points, to be sure, but there's too much, and I think you need to focus on paring it down:
Marnie is no-nonsense, but must either accept magic is real or that she's crazy. (CHARACTER)
There is a war between the Kelpies and the Faeries--or is it the Kelpies and the humans? Not sure. (CONFLICT)
She must pick a side. (CHOICE)
Obviously there's more to it than that, but these are really the only three things you must convey. Present them in a cool way, and so that we care, and you'll be in great shape.
That's it!
What do you all think? Anything to add?
Posted by
Matthew MacNish
at
7:00 AM
8
opinions that matter
Labels:
Kodi Ross,
Queries,
Queries - Critiques
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Kodi Ross's Current Query
Sorry for putting this up so late! The day job has been killing me. Tomorrow's post is the one that matters anyway.
Kodi came to me via Sarah Ahiers, who she came to via the QueryTracker forums.
Her query:
Dear Agent,
Seventeen-year-old Marnie Haynes knows there’s no such thing as magic, she stopped believing the night her father told her that her mother died due to depression and not a Siren’s song.
But in the Bay of Sirens—a craggy, island deathtrap off the coast of Ireland—odd things are happening to make Marnie rethink her beliefs.
After Marnie encounters a horse drowning a boy in the ocean, bells ringing when none are around, metal that burns her, and strange creatures from island legend appearing from nowhere, she figures she’s going insane. When she starts engaging in risky behavior her family brings her in for treatment, saying it’s time to help her mental illness before it gets any worse.
But not everyone wants to help her. When the town’s mayor claim’s Marnie is a monster and tries to poison her, then throws her off a cliff; Marnie is left hanging onto life by the strings. She’s saved by two men—both who look like monsters, with green skin, sharp teeth, and are threatening to start a war.
Her life is turned inside out when it’s revealed that she’s not crazy. She’s part-Faerie and because of the mayor’s actions, a war has been started on her behalf. Now her real father, a Kelpie in the Unseelie Army, is willing to kill anyone—even her friends and family—to get his hands on her.
Coerced into going with the Faeries to learn their ways, Marnie resolves to hate them. But as she grows closer to them, she realizes all is not what she thought. When the humans of the island hatch a plan to rid the place of the Faeries forever, it’s up to her to choose which side she’ll be on and who will survive the first, and maybe final, battle.
DARK HARBORS is a 80,000 word fantasy novel with contemporary elements that will appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s THE SCORPIO RACES.
Thank you for your time.
That's it!
Please thank Kodi for her courage, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow.
Kodi came to me via Sarah Ahiers, who she came to via the QueryTracker forums.
Her query:
Dear Agent,
Seventeen-year-old Marnie Haynes knows there’s no such thing as magic, she stopped believing the night her father told her that her mother died due to depression and not a Siren’s song.
But in the Bay of Sirens—a craggy, island deathtrap off the coast of Ireland—odd things are happening to make Marnie rethink her beliefs.
After Marnie encounters a horse drowning a boy in the ocean, bells ringing when none are around, metal that burns her, and strange creatures from island legend appearing from nowhere, she figures she’s going insane. When she starts engaging in risky behavior her family brings her in for treatment, saying it’s time to help her mental illness before it gets any worse.
But not everyone wants to help her. When the town’s mayor claim’s Marnie is a monster and tries to poison her, then throws her off a cliff; Marnie is left hanging onto life by the strings. She’s saved by two men—both who look like monsters, with green skin, sharp teeth, and are threatening to start a war.
Her life is turned inside out when it’s revealed that she’s not crazy. She’s part-Faerie and because of the mayor’s actions, a war has been started on her behalf. Now her real father, a Kelpie in the Unseelie Army, is willing to kill anyone—even her friends and family—to get his hands on her.
Coerced into going with the Faeries to learn their ways, Marnie resolves to hate them. But as she grows closer to them, she realizes all is not what she thought. When the humans of the island hatch a plan to rid the place of the Faeries forever, it’s up to her to choose which side she’ll be on and who will survive the first, and maybe final, battle.
DARK HARBORS is a 80,000 word fantasy novel with contemporary elements that will appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s THE SCORPIO RACES.
Thank you for your time.
That's it!
Please thank Kodi for her courage, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow.
Posted by
Matthew MacNish
at
12:00 PM
5
opinions that matter
Labels:
Kodi Ross,
Queries,
Queries - Examples
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Write On Con 2013
2013 Y'all |
I know some of you might remember me being kind of depressed about WriteOnCon last year, and I'm not saying that having another year with no agent is awesome or anything, but I'm trying to go in with a better attitude this time. I've already had one partial request for RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE, which is great, but I'm also just trying to enjoy helping other writers. That's why I started this old blog in the first place, anyway.
For now, I would really appreciate if all of you would visit my threads, and give me feedback on what I've shared. You've got:
The Query Letter for RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE
The first 250 words of RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE
The first five pages of RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE
and my Intro Post, which mostly just leads back here and to some other cool query related stuff.
Otherwise, I think all you writers should get involved too! Go sign up. Jump into the forums, and get involved.
And feel free to link to anything you've put up over there in the comments here. I would love to visit all of you as well!
Posted by
Matthew MacNish
at
9:00 AM
10
opinions that matter
Labels:
Conferences,
Critiques,
Feedback,
Queries,
WriteOnCon
Friday, August 9, 2013
Teen Eyes Contest Results, Grace Smith's Response
I have the results from Grace Smith with TEEN EYES EDITORIAL. This is all very exciting, because there were a lot of excellent entries, and even though I wasn’t officially obligated to judge them, I still found myself joyfully impressed while reading many of the submissions that came in. Grace must have had a very hard time picking a winner, but she eventually did:
Here's what Grace said...
The few problems I had with entries seemed to all fall into the same categories. They were mislabeled - the content of the excerpt didn't fit with the description in the heading. I could see a predictable plot line. Too much telling. Beautiful description, but it wasn't clear - I had to reread it to understand it.
The ones that I loved all had characters I could immediately sense - their voices leapt off the page and grabbed me instantly. One of the things about reading such short excerpts was that I didn't get the plot spelled out for me. I didn't know at all what was going to happen, but I wanted to know because the writing was immediately absorbing and had impact.
The nice part about reading first pages was that it was a bit of a guessing game. Sentences resonated with me, voices captivated me, and plot strands hinted at stories that would mesmerize me. I have no idea what each of the full stories contain but I'm wildly guessing based on how wonderful the writing was. I'm guessing, and it's thrilling to think of what these might turn out to be. Based on my imagination while I read these, I can imagine each of these holding everything I'd love to read in a manuscript.
Thank y'all so much for allowing me to read these. It's been a true privilege, and I would love to hear from any of you.
(Note: the runner-ups are in no particular order.)
My first choice was titled The Gaslight Alibis by Krystal Sutherland.
THE GASLIGHT ALIBIS
YA Psychological Thriller
The letters have been arriving for two months. Every Friday morning, hand delivered, no postmark. I have seen their deliverer only once, a man in a black coat cinched at the waist, his face obscured by a wide brim hat. For twenty minutes I watched him watch my house from the street, hands in his pockets. He might have looked casual if it hadn’t been three o’clock in the morning. That was four weeks ago. I learned to stop watching for him after that.
This morning I do what I’ve been doing every Friday since the letters started. I rise with the sun. I don’t remember having slept, but there are black webs of nothingness in my memory where time passed without my knowledge, so I must have. The morning is crisp, early springtime not yet able to shift winter’s chill. A dark blue bathrobe is laid across the end of my bed. I pull it on, shivering, and make my way into the hall. My hand is closed around the screwdriver hidden in the robe's front pocket. Just in case he is waiting.
At the front door I pull on a pair of leather boots, unlaced, and head outside. The lawn is dipped in ice. It looks like little splinters of glass, painful to walk across. But at least the sun is starting to feel warm again, when it hits your skin, instead of pale and watery.
Grace again ...
First off, I love the title. I don't know what it means yet, but I know it's important. It's intriguing - it gives me a sense of the story. What's the significance of the gaslights? There are multiple alibis in there somewhere, so something suspenseful has to happen.
"The letters have been arriving for two months." Immediate. The letters are important. The timing is important. The impact of this sentence for me was similar to the first line of The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. I'm immediately intrigued.
The description of the man in the hat who delivered the letter four weeks ago is perfect - it's descriptive, not bogged down in details. I can picture him in my head, surrounded by intrigue and darkness. It's clear enough for me to immediately understand what I'm picturing and sets the mood perfectly.
Certain diction and descriptions grab me. "I rise with the sun." "Black webs of nothingness." "The morning is crisp..." Certain lines balance out the entry with the tension and confusion that a YA Psychological Thriller positively DEMANDS. What I liked about this entry was that, if it hadn't been labeled, I would have known what it was. It's crafted so well - character, writing, and tension blend together perfectly to give me a taste of what the manuscript is like but it's not overwhelming.
Overall, I am a sucker for mood. If you can take a few words and it's instantly atmospheric, I'm intrigued. There are enough details to make it seem so realistic but not random - they seem perfectly picked for the character and the plot. Now this is a manuscript that I would love to read more of, and I hope I get the chance to do so.
My second choice is Heritage Blade: Awakening by L.L. McKinney.
HERITAGE BLADE: AWAKENING
YA Urban Fantasy
Killing was one of those things that grew easier with time, that and tight rope walking. While one didn’t have anything to do with the other, at fifteen Jay had grown skilled at both. Balanced on the balls of his feet, he raced along the length of a power line, pivoted when he reached a pole, and leapt to a nearby building. Overhead the autumn moon shone bright, slicing through the darkness cast across the roof as he searched for signs of his prey.
He shoved strands of white hair from his face, tightened his grip on the sword at his hip, and stalked forward. The wind lashed out with bitter cold, cutting through the leather he wore from head to toe. October in Chicago—arctic. His boots crunched against loose gravel. No point in trying to be quiet, he wasn’t the one hiding.
There.
Something moved the slightest bit in the shadow of a ventilation shaft. He locked gazes with a pair of yellow, pupil-less eyes. Gotchya, he smirked.
Caught, the creature bounded toward the end of the building. Jay took off after it. His steps thudded against the concrete, mirroring the pounding of his heart. Ahead, claws flashed and raked against the roof, kicking up loose bits of stone. The howling panted hard and heavy around a warning growl as it threw a glare over its shoulder, baring a mouth full of gleaming fangs.
A shiver chased a thrill the length of Jay’s spine.
Grace again ...
This is an excellent entry. It's very cinematic - I have this image of Jay leaping across buildings and dancing along phone lines, hiding in the shadows. It's one of those stories that I could immediately get into reading.
The first sentence is shocking. That one sentence gives us a huge insight into the plot and Jay's character - he's a killer. He's been doing it for a while. He's agile. Those few details allow me to picture him immediately, little details webbing out into more of an idea in my head of who he is, despite there only being a few words. The white hair and sword give us a sense that there is something fantastical about him and made me incredibly interested in who he is.
The pacing is really one of the most remarkable parts about this entry for me. The beginning plunges us into Jay's character and gives us a feel for his elegance. He's an elegant killer. He's stalking something, and that fact is immediately evident and exciting. But the single use of the "There." in the entry slows it down to where I'm hyper-aware of the atmosphere in the MS. Something important is happening. That "There." is wonderfully placed.
His smirk and confidence makes him standout. Strong details make him similar enough to many characters in YA to lead me to guess about the storyline and what he may be like, but the interesting ones make him different enough to where I want to know who he is, because he seems different from the usual protagonist in a book like this.
The creature makes me think that it leans towards City of Bones territory - fascinating creatures and action, confident and interesting characters that make it wholly unique. The last line is really what gets me - how excited Jay is for the chase. It really rounds out the tiny taste of his character that I got in the MS and I want to know what happens next. That's really the most important part.
The writing and character enhance the plot. I was only given a little sliver of what this MS has in store but I really really want to read it now.
My third choice is Speciation by Andrea Jackson.
SPECIATION
YA Sci Fi
Six — minutes I am late.
I hesitate, but that only makes it worse.
I quickly place my hand on the pad that scans my fingerprints, unlocking the door, but also starting the timer, telling them what he and I already know: this is my fault. A smothering feeling of unease, invisible snowflakes in the form of discomfort will fill every corner, every crack, every wide-open space. And if I wanted to, I could stretch out my tongue and taste apprehension.
Thirty — extra minutes we have to stay now because I was late.
Five hundred and forty-three — days since the last time this happened.
Taking a deep breath, I walk quickly in the room careful not to make eye contact or look in his direction, but I can feel the heat of his eyes on me. I know what he wants. I will have to look at him eventually. The door slides shut, trapping me with tension.
I understand numbers, they are logical, rational, safe…perfect for collecting.
Five — how old I was when I came here.
Seven o'clock — when I am required to be in the room with LE4XI7.
Two — the amount of friends I have.
0.0000001 — the percent of people who are like me.
EWH17 — the virus that did what it was supposed to: end world hunger — just not the way they thought.
LE4XI8 — what is tattooed on the inside of the wrist of my right arm. It’s my identification; it’s my name.
The numbers stay with me, filed away, ready to use at a moments notice.
Grace again ...
The structure attracts me. This MS is different. The character thinks differently and so his/her thoughts are organized in a different order that intrigues me. The 1st person, present tense perspective fits this manuscript well and I immediately get the sense that this character spends a lot of time in his/her head, but it's not telling. Andrea does an excellent job of this balance.
The writing is very clear, but there are a few lines that appear to be very poetic. I'm very poetry-minded, and I loved that because it hinted at a voice. The character's voice is already unique because of his/her fascination with the numbers. I get a sense of the character because of the structure. Strive to enhance the character through little details like that - little things like structure can do so much to create an atmosphere and memorable voice.
I can feel the character's tension when he/she enters the room, the routine that is still a little uncomfortable for him/her. The world/organization hints at a sterile, controlled environment. I can guess at certain points of the world and plot. Everything is clear, but subtly infused with a voice.
I want to know what happens. I want to know what type of world identifies people by numbers, or whether it's just wherever the character happens to be. I want to know why numbers are so comforting and why the character might need to find solace in them. This manuscript was very attractive to me, and I would really love the chance to read it.
And a note from Matt ...
Sometimes I hate blogging. This entry in particular has very unique and brilliant formatting. I bet if it was setup properly, in Word, or even better, InDesign, it would look amazing. Sadly, the nature of a blog post screws that up a bit. Luckily, this story was strong enough, and Grace's eye keen enough, for her to see through that.
When I was seven, I told my mother I wanted to be a courtesan. I didn’t know what it meant, but courtesans owned all the beautiful things I could imagine: dresses and makeup and half-masks. My oldest brother Rafeo said they spent their nights at balls and parties entertaining the nobles.
Rafeo was only trying to protect my innocence, but his explanation simply encouraged me. I wanted their life of beauty and luxury and not one of blood and death.
Mother had not been happy. My confession was more proof I wasn’t the daughter she wanted, that I wasn’t the proud Saldana girl-child she felt she deserved. After that, I stopped telling my mother what I found beautiful, like gold filigree dresses and feather half-masks, and instead focused on things she found beautiful: knives and poisons and masks crafted from bone.
It was the first time I’d wished I had a different family.
Now, I squatted quietly on the roof of a bordello, cloak pulled around my body, bone-mask secured against my face. Below me, a man stumbled across the flagstone street like a drunkard.
The man bumped into a water barrel. He dunked his head and shook his hair like a dog, the water flashing in the light of the sweet-smelling oil lanterns outside the bordello.
Of course, courtesans didn’t actually live that life of beauty and romance. There was darkness in their world, too. Even if it was concealed by rouge and paints.
Grace again ...
Where do I even start with this manuscript? I love everything about it. There are little details that create such an incredible atmosphere for me within the first few sentences. Writers should strive to create the most atmosphere with the fewest sentences and this manuscript does that in a way that's magnificent.
We get a lot of information within the first few paragraphs, but so few of it is telling. It's beautifully interspersed with actions and memories. It's one of those excerpts where you can immediately feel the backstory and history buried behind each word, and the effect is stunning. I wonder who the character is and what her fascination with courtesans is. I want to know what the blood and beauty is and why it intersects. It does such a gorgeous job of hinting at elements that might come into play.
We get a sense of what the plot might hold later, but the later half of the excerpt leaves us with questions about the character's current situation - why a bone mask? It sounds frightful and haunting in a way that hints at glamour. The little details make an eclectic mix of a mood that is both opulent and laced with tension.
Thank you so much to everyone that entered! Grace will be in touch with the winner in the coming days.
Don't forget to stop by the other bloggers’ sites to find out the winners for the other two editors. You can also visit Teen Eyes Editorial around the web:
Their website: http://teeneyeseditorial.com
On Publishers Marketplace: http://publishersmarketplace.com/members/TeenEyes/
On Twitter: http://twitter.com/TeenEyesEdits
On Facebook: http://facebook.com/TeenEyesEditorial
Brenda Drake Writes…Under the Influence of Coffee
Brenda Drake hosted Editor Brent Taylor. The winner received a $100 voucher to use towards any of his editorial services.
Random Notes from Holly Bodger
Holly Bodger hosted Editor Julie Daly. The winner received a full manuscript critique.
Here's what Grace said...
The few problems I had with entries seemed to all fall into the same categories. They were mislabeled - the content of the excerpt didn't fit with the description in the heading. I could see a predictable plot line. Too much telling. Beautiful description, but it wasn't clear - I had to reread it to understand it.
The ones that I loved all had characters I could immediately sense - their voices leapt off the page and grabbed me instantly. One of the things about reading such short excerpts was that I didn't get the plot spelled out for me. I didn't know at all what was going to happen, but I wanted to know because the writing was immediately absorbing and had impact.
The nice part about reading first pages was that it was a bit of a guessing game. Sentences resonated with me, voices captivated me, and plot strands hinted at stories that would mesmerize me. I have no idea what each of the full stories contain but I'm wildly guessing based on how wonderful the writing was. I'm guessing, and it's thrilling to think of what these might turn out to be. Based on my imagination while I read these, I can imagine each of these holding everything I'd love to read in a manuscript.
Thank y'all so much for allowing me to read these. It's been a true privilege, and I would love to hear from any of you.
(Note: the runner-ups are in no particular order.)
My first choice was titled The Gaslight Alibis by Krystal Sutherland.
THE GASLIGHT ALIBIS
YA Psychological Thriller
The letters have been arriving for two months. Every Friday morning, hand delivered, no postmark. I have seen their deliverer only once, a man in a black coat cinched at the waist, his face obscured by a wide brim hat. For twenty minutes I watched him watch my house from the street, hands in his pockets. He might have looked casual if it hadn’t been three o’clock in the morning. That was four weeks ago. I learned to stop watching for him after that.
This morning I do what I’ve been doing every Friday since the letters started. I rise with the sun. I don’t remember having slept, but there are black webs of nothingness in my memory where time passed without my knowledge, so I must have. The morning is crisp, early springtime not yet able to shift winter’s chill. A dark blue bathrobe is laid across the end of my bed. I pull it on, shivering, and make my way into the hall. My hand is closed around the screwdriver hidden in the robe's front pocket. Just in case he is waiting.
At the front door I pull on a pair of leather boots, unlaced, and head outside. The lawn is dipped in ice. It looks like little splinters of glass, painful to walk across. But at least the sun is starting to feel warm again, when it hits your skin, instead of pale and watery.
Grace again ...
First off, I love the title. I don't know what it means yet, but I know it's important. It's intriguing - it gives me a sense of the story. What's the significance of the gaslights? There are multiple alibis in there somewhere, so something suspenseful has to happen.
"The letters have been arriving for two months." Immediate. The letters are important. The timing is important. The impact of this sentence for me was similar to the first line of The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. I'm immediately intrigued.
The description of the man in the hat who delivered the letter four weeks ago is perfect - it's descriptive, not bogged down in details. I can picture him in my head, surrounded by intrigue and darkness. It's clear enough for me to immediately understand what I'm picturing and sets the mood perfectly.
Certain diction and descriptions grab me. "I rise with the sun." "Black webs of nothingness." "The morning is crisp..." Certain lines balance out the entry with the tension and confusion that a YA Psychological Thriller positively DEMANDS. What I liked about this entry was that, if it hadn't been labeled, I would have known what it was. It's crafted so well - character, writing, and tension blend together perfectly to give me a taste of what the manuscript is like but it's not overwhelming.
Overall, I am a sucker for mood. If you can take a few words and it's instantly atmospheric, I'm intrigued. There are enough details to make it seem so realistic but not random - they seem perfectly picked for the character and the plot. Now this is a manuscript that I would love to read more of, and I hope I get the chance to do so.
My second choice is Heritage Blade: Awakening by L.L. McKinney.
HERITAGE BLADE: AWAKENING
YA Urban Fantasy
Killing was one of those things that grew easier with time, that and tight rope walking. While one didn’t have anything to do with the other, at fifteen Jay had grown skilled at both. Balanced on the balls of his feet, he raced along the length of a power line, pivoted when he reached a pole, and leapt to a nearby building. Overhead the autumn moon shone bright, slicing through the darkness cast across the roof as he searched for signs of his prey.
He shoved strands of white hair from his face, tightened his grip on the sword at his hip, and stalked forward. The wind lashed out with bitter cold, cutting through the leather he wore from head to toe. October in Chicago—arctic. His boots crunched against loose gravel. No point in trying to be quiet, he wasn’t the one hiding.
There.
Something moved the slightest bit in the shadow of a ventilation shaft. He locked gazes with a pair of yellow, pupil-less eyes. Gotchya, he smirked.
Caught, the creature bounded toward the end of the building. Jay took off after it. His steps thudded against the concrete, mirroring the pounding of his heart. Ahead, claws flashed and raked against the roof, kicking up loose bits of stone. The howling panted hard and heavy around a warning growl as it threw a glare over its shoulder, baring a mouth full of gleaming fangs.
A shiver chased a thrill the length of Jay’s spine.
Grace again ...
This is an excellent entry. It's very cinematic - I have this image of Jay leaping across buildings and dancing along phone lines, hiding in the shadows. It's one of those stories that I could immediately get into reading.
The first sentence is shocking. That one sentence gives us a huge insight into the plot and Jay's character - he's a killer. He's been doing it for a while. He's agile. Those few details allow me to picture him immediately, little details webbing out into more of an idea in my head of who he is, despite there only being a few words. The white hair and sword give us a sense that there is something fantastical about him and made me incredibly interested in who he is.
The pacing is really one of the most remarkable parts about this entry for me. The beginning plunges us into Jay's character and gives us a feel for his elegance. He's an elegant killer. He's stalking something, and that fact is immediately evident and exciting. But the single use of the "There." in the entry slows it down to where I'm hyper-aware of the atmosphere in the MS. Something important is happening. That "There." is wonderfully placed.
His smirk and confidence makes him standout. Strong details make him similar enough to many characters in YA to lead me to guess about the storyline and what he may be like, but the interesting ones make him different enough to where I want to know who he is, because he seems different from the usual protagonist in a book like this.
The creature makes me think that it leans towards City of Bones territory - fascinating creatures and action, confident and interesting characters that make it wholly unique. The last line is really what gets me - how excited Jay is for the chase. It really rounds out the tiny taste of his character that I got in the MS and I want to know what happens next. That's really the most important part.
The writing and character enhance the plot. I was only given a little sliver of what this MS has in store but I really really want to read it now.
My third choice is Speciation by Andrea Jackson.
SPECIATION
YA Sci Fi
Six — minutes I am late.
I hesitate, but that only makes it worse.
I quickly place my hand on the pad that scans my fingerprints, unlocking the door, but also starting the timer, telling them what he and I already know: this is my fault. A smothering feeling of unease, invisible snowflakes in the form of discomfort will fill every corner, every crack, every wide-open space. And if I wanted to, I could stretch out my tongue and taste apprehension.
Thirty — extra minutes we have to stay now because I was late.
Five hundred and forty-three — days since the last time this happened.
Taking a deep breath, I walk quickly in the room careful not to make eye contact or look in his direction, but I can feel the heat of his eyes on me. I know what he wants. I will have to look at him eventually. The door slides shut, trapping me with tension.
I understand numbers, they are logical, rational, safe…perfect for collecting.
Five — how old I was when I came here.
Seven o'clock — when I am required to be in the room with LE4XI7.
Two — the amount of friends I have.
0.0000001 — the percent of people who are like me.
EWH17 — the virus that did what it was supposed to: end world hunger — just not the way they thought.
LE4XI8 — what is tattooed on the inside of the wrist of my right arm. It’s my identification; it’s my name.
The numbers stay with me, filed away, ready to use at a moments notice.
Grace again ...
The structure attracts me. This MS is different. The character thinks differently and so his/her thoughts are organized in a different order that intrigues me. The 1st person, present tense perspective fits this manuscript well and I immediately get the sense that this character spends a lot of time in his/her head, but it's not telling. Andrea does an excellent job of this balance.
The writing is very clear, but there are a few lines that appear to be very poetic. I'm very poetry-minded, and I loved that because it hinted at a voice. The character's voice is already unique because of his/her fascination with the numbers. I get a sense of the character because of the structure. Strive to enhance the character through little details like that - little things like structure can do so much to create an atmosphere and memorable voice.
I can feel the character's tension when he/she enters the room, the routine that is still a little uncomfortable for him/her. The world/organization hints at a sterile, controlled environment. I can guess at certain points of the world and plot. Everything is clear, but subtly infused with a voice.
I want to know what happens. I want to know what type of world identifies people by numbers, or whether it's just wherever the character happens to be. I want to know why numbers are so comforting and why the character might need to find solace in them. This manuscript was very attractive to me, and I would really love the chance to read it.
And a note from Matt ...
Sometimes I hate blogging. This entry in particular has very unique and brilliant formatting. I bet if it was setup properly, in Word, or even better, InDesign, it would look amazing. Sadly, the nature of a blog post screws that up a bit. Luckily, this story was strong enough, and Grace's eye keen enough, for her to see through that.
THE WINNER IS...
SARAH AHIERS
ALL THAT REMAINS
YA FANTASY
When I was seven, I told my mother I wanted to be a courtesan. I didn’t know what it meant, but courtesans owned all the beautiful things I could imagine: dresses and makeup and half-masks. My oldest brother Rafeo said they spent their nights at balls and parties entertaining the nobles.
Rafeo was only trying to protect my innocence, but his explanation simply encouraged me. I wanted their life of beauty and luxury and not one of blood and death.
Mother had not been happy. My confession was more proof I wasn’t the daughter she wanted, that I wasn’t the proud Saldana girl-child she felt she deserved. After that, I stopped telling my mother what I found beautiful, like gold filigree dresses and feather half-masks, and instead focused on things she found beautiful: knives and poisons and masks crafted from bone.
It was the first time I’d wished I had a different family.
Now, I squatted quietly on the roof of a bordello, cloak pulled around my body, bone-mask secured against my face. Below me, a man stumbled across the flagstone street like a drunkard.
The man bumped into a water barrel. He dunked his head and shook his hair like a dog, the water flashing in the light of the sweet-smelling oil lanterns outside the bordello.
Of course, courtesans didn’t actually live that life of beauty and romance. There was darkness in their world, too. Even if it was concealed by rouge and paints.
Grace again ...
Where do I even start with this manuscript? I love everything about it. There are little details that create such an incredible atmosphere for me within the first few sentences. Writers should strive to create the most atmosphere with the fewest sentences and this manuscript does that in a way that's magnificent.
We get a lot of information within the first few paragraphs, but so few of it is telling. It's beautifully interspersed with actions and memories. It's one of those excerpts where you can immediately feel the backstory and history buried behind each word, and the effect is stunning. I wonder who the character is and what her fascination with courtesans is. I want to know what the blood and beauty is and why it intersects. It does such a gorgeous job of hinting at elements that might come into play.
We get a sense of what the plot might hold later, but the later half of the excerpt leaves us with questions about the character's current situation - why a bone mask? It sounds frightful and haunting in a way that hints at glamour. The little details make an eclectic mix of a mood that is both opulent and laced with tension.
. . .
Thank you so much to everyone that entered! Grace will be in touch with the winner in the coming days.
Don't forget to stop by the other bloggers’ sites to find out the winners for the other two editors. You can also visit Teen Eyes Editorial around the web:
Their website: http://teeneyeseditorial.com
On Publishers Marketplace: http://publishersmarketplace.com/members/TeenEyes/
On Twitter: http://twitter.com/TeenEyesEdits
On Facebook: http://facebook.com/TeenEyesEditorial
Brenda Drake Writes…Under the Influence of Coffee
Brenda Drake hosted Editor Brent Taylor. The winner received a $100 voucher to use towards any of his editorial services.
Random Notes from Holly Bodger
Holly Bodger hosted Editor Julie Daly. The winner received a full manuscript critique.
Posted by
Matthew MacNish
at
7:00 AM
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Labels:
Brenda Drake,
Brent Taylor,
Grace Smith,
Holly Bodger,
Julie Daly,
Teen Eyes
Monday, August 5, 2013
Teeneyes Contest Submissions Open
Three teen editors on three blogs with three prizes. Win!
Submission Post!
Today, I'm hosting editor Grace Smith of TEEN EYES EDITORIAL on my blog for the Can You Hook a Teen? contest. The submission window will be Aug 5 from 8AM to Aug 7 at 9PM EST. Winners will be announced on Friday, Aug 9. Go here for more details and to learn about the other editors.
Grace Smith
Grace will judge first pages (250 words max.) here on my site. The winner will receive an in-depth critique of their first 20,000 words.
This contest is for new adult, young adult, and middle grade manuscripts only.
Enter the first page of your manuscript in the comments of this post. Here's how to format them...
Name: Your Name
Email: Your Email Address
Title: TITLE OF MANUSCRIPT
Genre: Manuscript's genre
Your first 250 words here.
After you finish, make sure to stop by my co-hosts' blogs and enter for a chance to win a prize from the other two editors of Teen Eyes Editorial.
Random Notes from Holly Bodger
Holly Bodger will host editor Julie Daly who will judge logline pitches. The winner will receive a reader report/evaluation of their full manuscript.
Brenda Drake…Under the Influence of Coffee
Brenda Drake will host editor Brent Taylor who will judge query letters. The winner will receive a $100 voucher to use towards any of his editorial services.
Please be patient. The editors will read the entries during the week and will contact us with the winners.
Here's the great part, you can enter on one, two, or all three of the blogs for a chance to win the prize on that blog (one prize per person).
You don't have to follow us on our blogs or on twitter or spread the word to win, but we'd love it if you did. All you have to do is enter in the comments below.
In the meantime, if you'd like to learn more about Teen Eyes Editorial, you can find them at their website, on Facebook and Twitter, and at Publisher's Marketplace.
Posted by
Matthew MacNish
at
6:00 AM
63
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Labels:
Brenda Drake,
Brent Taylor,
Grace Smith,
Holly Bodger,
Julie Daly,
Teen Eyes
Friday, August 2, 2013
Project Mayhem: Duality of Tone in MG
I'm over at Project Mayhem today, blogging about Duality of Tone in MG Literature. Please drop by!
Posted by
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at
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Labels:
Duality,
MG,
Project Mayhem,
Project Middle Grade Mayhem,
Tone
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