First of all, let's talk about formatting. That is a big chunk of text below this paragraph o' mine. Before I even start reading it, just the way its girth reaches off the page and pinches my eye ... makes me want to squint. I'm not saying every query has to fit into a neat little 250 word, three paragraph formatting structure, but I do think you should consider breaking this paragraph up.
Kalara Orlov isn't just any fantastically rich young woman living in a luxury apartment in NYC, attending Columbia University--she's also a mage. Hmm. This isn't bad, and at least you introduce an interesting character right away, but I'm left wanting a little more. More voice, more characterization, more something. While at a dinner party, she discovers the host, Brentley Whitcomb, I would say you don't need this guy's last name, but then you start calling him by it. is also a mage, and lets him know they have that in common in an attempt to network. Unbeknownst to her, Whitcomb is also a powerful necromancer who doesn't want anyone discovering he's selling the souls of the dead who go through his funeral home, so he tries to kill her. Natch. I would break paragraph here. That last sentence is pretty hooky. The attempt comes too close to working for comfort, Obviously? and she decides to elicit the help of a devil. Whoa. Okay. The guy who ends up answering her call is Evander, a devil's is there more than one devil in this world? son who's bad at being bad. Like Little Nicky? He draws up a very fair contract: in return for borrowing his power for five days, she has to give him a heart from one of his enemies so that he may eat and gain the power from it. If she fails to deliver the heart, he eats hers instead. This is pretty good. You've got conflict, stakes, and a choice. Well done.
As the days fly by, Kalara has to balance school, appearances, killing Whitcomb, Hah! LOL. and finding and killing an enemy of Evander's so she doesn't wind up dead
THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO BEING EVIL, Awesome title. finished at 60,000 words, is a
The one thing, which people mentioned yesterday, is that the voice of this query doesn't fully match the voice one would expect from a comedic novel (I also might use humorous over comedic, but it's just a matter of taste). You do have a couple funny moments, but overall this query reads a little dry for a funny book.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Okay, in summary: you've got some great strong points. The plot, for example, or at least the inciting incident/hook part of it is very strong. The middle of this query too, in which a clear choice for Kalara is revealed, is great.
Then we've got the beginning, and the end. The opening isn't bad. It's got all the necessary elements, I just think you need to spice it up a bit, add some voice, and maybe be a bit funny, or at least irreverent. The end, depending on where you choose to end after this critique, needs some work.
I almost think you need to re-order things here. So that the potential romance comes up before the sadistic choice about murder or death. Try to write your query so that it progresses smoothly from Character, into Conflict, and finishes up with a Choice.
What do you all think? Can you suggest a different opening for Laura? What about the end? How or where would you wrap things up?