Bish Denham's Current Query Critiqued

Before I get started on this query, I have to warn you all, but especially Bish: this query is already very good, and I'm going to have to be extremely nit-picky in order to be able to say anything at all. Please remember that, and keep in mind that any feedback on any creative writing is always going to be incredibly subjective.

Bish is a friend of mine, so I happen to know that she took part in probably one of the coolest contests ever held in the blogoshpere not long ago. The Bookshelf Muse held a contest earlier this year in which the prize was a mentorship from Angela Ackerman, where she would help you with every aspect of your writing and publishing career. Bish won.

What this means is that this query has been put through the ringer by Angela, who is also a friend of mine, and happens to have one of the keenest eyes for this kind of thing of anyone I know. So it some ways it's almost pointless for me to critique this query, because I know it's already been polished to the point of near perfection, but I'll give it a try, because Bish asked, and because there is almost always room for a little improvement.

So here we go:

Dear Agent,

From the moment he hatches, Marvin P. Tinkleberry knows he is destined for greatness. For one, he has a marvelous, well-groomed tail. For another he can puff out his throat pouch in the most spectacular way. Maybe the other lizards in his colony don’t take him seriously, but he knows the truth, it lives in the marrow of his bones, he’s going to be a hero.

So this opening hook is essentially perfect. It gives a great sense of character, is full of fun, light voice, and begins to hint at some kind of conflict. Normally I might want to see a little bit better idea of the plot, setting, backstory, or something other than just character, but this is a short, fun MG novel(la), and the plot is well covered shortly after.

If I was to suggest one more addition, I would like to see another funny phrase that tells us just how full of himself Marvin is. You could say "he's going to be a hero, Lizard of the Lane (as in Cock of the Walk)." I don't know. It's already very good, so I'm just grasping at straws here.

When a feral cat threatens his home of Stone Wall in the Garden by the Sea, clearly there’s only one lizard for the job. Travelling Over the Hill to find and befriend a dog should be as easy as snapping up a sleeping moth. And as for help, he doesn’t need any! After all, if Marvin’s ancestor, Prince Leopold, could go it alone, so can he.

This is also good. I love the capitalization that make it clear these are the proper names of important places in Marvin's life. I love how obvious it is that we know what the conflict is going to be, without you having to spell it out for us. Marvin thinks enlisting a dog's aid will be easy, but of course we all know it won't.

If I was to nit-pick this section, I would say that you can cut the "And" before "as for help," but you don't have to. Also I would like to know why Marvin's ancestor was a prince, and what he was prince of. If it was only Stone Wall in the Garden by the Sea, that's fine! You could probably just say Prince of Stone Wall, and that would be fun, because it would show us that he probably wasn't really prince of anything that important, which would help explain Marvin's inflated opinion of himself. If it's something else, that's okay too.

It doesn’t take long for Marvin to see that the world beyond Stone Wall is not the same as his pampered life back at the garden. A beautiful tail is not much help against deadly scorpions or navigating the fearful I think you might consider a better word here. Fearful can be used to describe something that causes fear, but it is more commonly used to describe someone who is easily scared. Terrifying or horrifying would both work. Sucker Cactus Forest. Nor are hungry mongooses and rats frightened by a even the most impressive? pouch display. It becomes clear, if he’s to complete his mission, Marvin must deflate his ego, accept help, and make a plan. Along with El Grekko Gecko, the Great Iguana, and a lovely female named Leeza, Marvin sets out for the poisonous wasteland of The Dump where he must find the one key to befriending the fearsome dog and saving his colony from extinction: a Bone.

I'm trying to be as critical as I can here, but there isn't a lot to add. These last couple sentences are especially good, where they summarize the conflict, use a some very clever names to briefly introduce some fun supporting characters, and give us a great sense of stakes. The idea of the Bone as a plot ticket is very well played here. It sounds so easy, but we can all guess it won't be.

But it will cost him, and Marvin will have to decide if he is willing to pay.

You could mention what it would cost him, depending on what it is, and whether it can be described quickly, but I really don't thing you have to. This is already a great summary and we have an excellent sense of conflict, stakes, and choice.

A Lizard’s Tail is a fun MG adventure approximately 24,000 words in length. It is steeped with the exotic flora and fauna of the Caribbean. I am a fourth generation U. S. Virgin Islander and have had stories and articles published with Spider Magazine, Wee Ones, Blooming Tree Press, Fun For Kidz and My Friend. I also placed first in the Children’s Writer Fantasy/Folktale Contest put on by the Institute of Children’s Literature.

I've always been taught that the working title of an unpublished work is capitalized in the query letter, but Angela would know better than me, so if she told you to italicize I would stick with here advice. Otherwise this section is good, except for Blooming Tree Press. Why is that publication not italicized?

(Personalization bit here.) May I send A Lizard’s Tail for you to view?

Thank you for your consideration

Sincerely,
Bish Denham

Wow. That was tough. This query is already so close. I don't think there's much that needs to be changed. Consider my advice with a grain of salt, considering the subjectivity of my opinion. In any case where my thoughts contradict Angela's, I would default to hers.

What do you think, readers? Did I miss anything? Is there anything you would change?