Pleasantly Surprised and Thoroughly Impressed

As you guys know from yesterday, my Kindle broke over the holiday. I was very concerned what was going to happen. Well, I am excited to tell you, I had the best customer service interaction I have ever experienced yesterday afternoon.

I will share the important part of the chat I had with Bhuvnesh, the Amazon Customer Service Rep, below, but I can easily summarize as well. I chatted with this gentleman for literally five minutes, before he reached the decision that Amazon would be replacing my Kindle, and shipping it next day air, on their dime.

Yes, you read that right. I would not have to send them the failed device, wait for them to refurbish it, and hope that a working one would arrive, 4 to 6 weeks later. They did not have to inspect my device to ensure it was not user error or negligence that damaged it. He did ask a few key questions, as you will see, but I easily could have been lying in my answers (I was not, but I could have been, he had no way to know).

Microsoft, whose X-Box 360 red ring of death scandal is one of the worst in consumer electronics history, I'm looking at you. This is how customers ought to be treated.

Now, before we get all blue flowers and unicorn farts on Amazon, let's keep in mind their business model. Amazon does not profit from selling Kindles. In fact, they're losing a good bit of money on the Kindle Fire, at least on the hardware, on purpose. That's because Amazon makes money off the content we buy to view on our Kindles. A lot of money. There's nothing wrong with that, but the point is, it makes sense for them to do everything they can to make sure I have a working device, so that I can purchase more content.

Yes, it costs them money to overnight the device to me, and yes, it costs them money to simply replace my failed Kindle sight unseen, but it's good business. It keeps me loyal, and it keeps me in a position to be able to buy more content from them, content which provides them with the highest possible profit margin.

Now, none of this is to say that a corporation as giant as Amazon should ever be considered completely benevolent, or that you should stop shopping at local indie bookstores, but it is evidence that they are getting one thing right. In fact, this whole thing went down so fast and so easily for me, it quite literally blew my mind.

Do any of you have any customer service nightmares or wondrous dreams to share?

Holiday Woes

I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, and there are many things I could tell you about, and celebrate, but instead I'm going to bitch about a couple things, because I can.

My Kindle died over the weekend. I've owned it for about 9 months. I'm really pissed. I'd grown quite attached to it, I must say, in those few short months.

I was in the middle of reading a really good book, too. Not one I can talk about, though. Thankfully I have the Kindle app on my iPad, so all was not lost, but reading on the iPad is a little bit like spraying lemon juice into your eyes, at least by comparison.

There is nothing quite as cool as e-ink. Except when that shit dies. I have no idea what went wrong with it. On Christmas Eve, it just froze. It would not respond to any buttons. I gave it a hard reset by holding the sleep slider button over to the right for over 20 seconds, and that rebooted the device, which then worked for about five minutes, and froze up again. I was able to reset it 3 or 4 times on Christmas Eve, but by the time we got home from Grandma's house, it was completely screwed. Now it will not respond to any buttons, and will only light up when connected to the charger, but will not be recognized by the PC, or complete charging (where the indicator turns from yellow to green). Amazon better have some kind of warranty in place, because I've had it for less than a year, and just got a second and third Kindle (different models) for my kids.

I'll be contacting them today.

The other thing I need to bitch about is the NFL. Well, mainly, Adrian Petersen. Every game I watched over the weekend sucked., but especially the Vikings. Not only did they win a pointless game, and therefore needlessly remove themselves from the running for the first draft pick, but they lost Adrian Petersen, possibly the best player in the sport, for this season, and most likely some of next season. It seems so utterly pointless.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have been playing. He's a competitor, and that's what they do, but for him to tear his ACL and MCL in such a needless game, and then for the Vikings to go on and somehow win that game ... it just puts a really crappy cap on a truly terrible season.

All right, that's it. I'm done complaining. I really did have a wonderful holiday, otherwise. How was your Christmas?

A Song of Ice and Fire

This series could have been called A Song of Onions, Turnips, and the Human Nipple. I'm only kidding, but Martin did seem a bit obsessed with certain things.

Anyway, I just finished A Dance with Dragons, the fifth book in this series, on Friday. I'm not really going to review the series, because, for one thing, I don't do reviews, and for another, the scope of this story is just too grand to be analyzed by me, especially when I'm not yet done absorbing everything the tale has to say.

I will talk about some writing mechanics type things that Martin does well. I won't talk about any possible weaknesses, although these books can be very frustrating at times. Mostly I want to talk about what it's like to take nearly a year to read a series, and then be nowhere closer to any kind of conclusion than you were before. This feeling is why I usually don't begin a series until it's all been published, but when I heard about HBO doing the show, I knew I'd be left with no choice.

The nice thing is, now I'll be able to read other books. It's not like I haven't read any other books while I was reading Martin, but each of the books in this series is at least 800 pages long, so there was a certain time commitment necessary to get through them all.

Anyway, this post will end up going on far too long if I try to talk about everything that comes to mind ... maybe I should turn it into a series. No, that time would be better spent on my own novel. But I do want to cover what I think is Martin's greatest strength.

There are no heroes and no villains. Just like in real life, people do not go around thinking "I'm a good guy," or "I'm a bad guy." They just don't. Some people do the right thing, because they were raised that way, or because they enjoy it, or for any number of reasons, but people don't go to war, or on missions, because they want to be a hero. Some people have less than worthwhile motives and goals, but they don't set out to be evil, just for evil's sake. They generally believe what they are doing is right, or that at least the ends justify the means.

Martin is the master are both creating and portraying both sides of the spectrum. There are absolutely no heroes and no villains in this story. The characters you begin by absolutely hating, eventually come around to earn at least some sympathy. The characters you were at first convinced were full of nothing but honor or innocence, or both, reveal their humanity soon enough.

There is one particular section, I believe it was the fourth book, in which I was so over having to read chapters from this one character's point of view, because this character was essentially reprehensible, and yet. I. Could. Not. Put. It. Down.

Have you ever experienced something like that? Obviously if this would have happened earlier in the story, I probably would have given up on it, but I think the way that Martin built the plot (or lack thereof, depending on your opinion), up to the point where even reading the POV of characters you essentially hated was still fascinating. I basically have no idea how he made it work.

Wow. So this probably makes very little sense to any of you. Has anyone read these books? Seen the show? Even if you've read them, can you make any sense of my spoiler avoiding ramblings?

How bout those Kansas City Chiefs?

Donna Weaver's Current Query Critiqued

Good morning. Or, well, at least neutral morning. The one thing I can confirm is that it's morning.

Today we have Donna's query again, except this time, with my feedback, which is in red.

Here we go:

Dear [Agent's Name]:

Lyn needs something to distract her from the fact that her dead fiancé turned out to be a cheating scumbag. I love the way you sneak this backstory in, that's done very well, but I would like to know more about Lyn as a character first. Other than what's happened to her, what kind of person is she? What she plans is a vacation diversion: an uncomplicated, unromantic cruise. Do people go on cruises by themselves? I suppose they do, but I'd never considered it before. What fate provides is Braedon. Here is another missed opportunity for a bit of characterization. I get it that we learn a lot more about him in the next paragraph, and that's great, but even one or two more words here would help this pack more punch.

Against the backdrop of the ship’s make-believe world, what does this mean? Is it some kind of fantasy theme cruise? Lyn finds herself drawn to him. His interest in people, his gentle humor, his love of music, and even his willingness to let her take him down during morning Karate practices. Hah! Love this. Unexpectedly, her long-dead emotions come alive again.

However, fear is an emotion, too. Mmm, I don't know if everyone will agree, but for me this is a tasty little twist.

Unaware of the sensitive waters he navigates, Braedon makes his move. It sucks I'm not sure this is the voice you want, unless the book is written that way. How old is Lyn? when it happens to be on the anniversary she came to forget. Came to forget, or ached to forget? I think you could stand to use some stronger wording for things like this. He doesn’t ask for much, just a chance, and part of her wants to give it to him. But Lyn's painful memories are too powerful, and she won't trust another fairytale. I like this, it really reveals the tender position her heart is in, while wording her inability to trust, in a clear, but stylistic way.

Later in the cruise the estranged pair finds themselves on the same snorkeling excursion. Awkward enough, but then paradise turns to piracy when their party is kidnapped. Lyn must overcome her fears to fight alongside the man she rejected, first for their freedom and then their survival while lost at sea. This whole last paragraph is awesome. I don't read much romance, so up until this graph I was kind of ... this query is good, but the book probably wouldn't be for me. But then you hit me with this twist, and tied it to the foreshadowing (yes, a query can foreshadow, for a few seconds). I think this conclusion really sums up the final conflict and the choice Lyn must make quite well.

And fate isn’t finished yet. I'm not sure you need this, though. You already just finished with a bang, and this is vague, a bit cliche, and just weakens the punch you just gave.

A CHANGE OF PLANS is a clean adventure romance at 96,000 words. I currently serve on the Board of the League of Utah Writers’ Utah Valley Chapter and am the Social Director for the iWriteNetwork. [Here is where I’d put the personalized information about the specific agent.] I know there's ongoing debate about this, but I put personalization at the end when I query, too. Now, I want to talk about genre. Personally, I would drop the clean, and call this a romantic adventure, or adventure-romance. I'm no expert on this, but my understanding is that romance is clean by definition, and if there is explicit sex, it's erotica. I'm not sure, but my friend Tawna Fenske will know, so I'll ask her to stop by.

So, in summary, I think you've got a good query on your hands. The structure is nearly perfect, you open, introduce us to the characters, set up the internal conflict, and the choice that goes with it, then escalate to the external conflict. Character. Conflict. Choice. That's exactly how it should be. What I want to see changed is your opening hook, and better introduction to the character behind your characters, if that makes any sense.

That's it!

What do the rest of you think? How could Donna open with a stronger hook, add more characterization, and still keep the nice backstory set up without using too many words?

Does anyone who read or write romance know if I'm right in my assumption? Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Donna Weaver's Current Query

Our laptop died last night. I was really pissed, because I'd been planning on getting some revising in, which I don't often do at home, and then I couldn't. We all share one laptop. We have a desktop, but it's a ten year old iMac, and I don't write on it. Thank goodness it's only the laptop power supply. We were able to order a replacement from Amazon for very little money. The shipping is more than the product.

Anyway, enough about my computer woes. Today we have another query. Do you guys know Donna Weaver? Go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Now here's her query:

Dear [Agent's Name]:

Lyn needs something to distract her from the fact that her dead fiancé turned out to be a cheating scumbag. What she plans is a vacation diversion: an uncomplicated, unromantic cruise. What fate provides is Braedon.

Against the backdrop of the ship’s make-believe world, Lyn finds herself drawn to him. His interest in people, his gentle humor, his love of music, and even his willingness to let her take him down during morning Karate practices. Unexpectedly, her long-dead emotions come alive again.

However, fear is an emotion, too.

Unaware of the sensitive waters he navigates, Braedon makes his move. It sucks when it happens to be on the anniversary she came to forget. He doesn’t ask for much, just a chance, and part of her wants to give it to him. But Lyn's painful memories are too powerful, and she won't trust another fairytale.

Later in the cruise the estranged pair finds themselves on the same snorkeling excursion. Awkward enough, but then paradise turns to piracy when their party is kidnapped. Lyn must overcome her fears to fight alongside the man she rejected, first for their freedom and then their survival while lost at sea.

And fate isn’t finished yet.

A CHANGE OF PLANS is a clean adventure romance at 96,000 words. I currently serve on the Board of the League of Utah Writers’ Utah Valley Chapter and am the Social Director for the iWriteNetwork. [Here is where I’d put the personalized information about the specific agent.]

That's it.

Please say hi to Donna, and thank her for her courage, but keep your feedback for tomorrow. Thanks!

Another PM Post

I'm writing over at Project Mayhem again today. It's kind of a highly personal topic for me, so please stop by my post, and recommend some books!

Part One

Sorry for the double post today, guys. If you're just arriving now, see right below this post, for the first place I would love it if you would visit. If you're coming back, because you saw I double posted, then please go visit YA Confidential, where I was only barely involved in something very cool my friend Sara McClung put together.

Alliteration Sensation

I was featured at Laura Barnes' blog this weekend, on a Saturday. No one reads blogs on Saturdays, so I thought I'd send you all over there now. Please go read Laura's feature/interview of me, which you can find: here.

Elena Solodow's Current Query Critiqued

Here we are, back in business. Let's get right to work on Elena's query.

My feedback will be in red.

Here we go:

Don’t be careful what you wish for--let the Tenders do that!

I get what you're trying to do here, but I don't think you need this. It is kind of a clever line, but it has very little meaning to a reader at the beginning like this, and even later, when we understand what it means, it's unlikely someone would come back to it.

On the other hand, it's awesome to see you know how to represent an em-dash in a query letter. As much as I love the em-dash, it does not play well with others; others being the hundreds of potential email clients an agent might be using, which may or may not work well with rich text and advanced formatting. If you want an em-dash in your query, readers, do it like this, with two hyphens/normal dashes.

In the year 2018, the North is ruled by wish-granting humans called Tenders. This is a much better hook. It's got world building, voice, and a great potential for conflict, all in a few succinct words. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen I agree with other readers that this is an awesome name. If anyone doesn't know the playwright Henrik Ibsen, go look him up, he had one of the coolest beards ever known to man. Goodman lives in the South, a segregated country where faith is the priority and Tenders are abominations before God. I like this concept, and I think the idea makes for an excellent punch at the end of your opening paragraph, but I'm not sure the execution is as good as it could be. For example "faith is the priority" sounds a bit weak to me. If Tenders are abominations (awesome wording there, BTW) then I think you can use stronger language in the phrase that precedes it. I haven't read this novel, so I'm not sure what to suggest, but I'm sure you can come up with something more vivid. Also, segregated how? What are the cultural groups that are being separated and/or oppressed?

Ibsen struggles to care for his schizophrenic mother love this while his sister Abigail works can you be more specific? What does she do? Farm, hunt, steal, or have a normal type job? to keep food on the table. She’s the only one to reassure him that their mother’s illness won’t infect him, does Ibsen not know that mental illness is not contagious, or is that not true in the world of TENDER? until she you may want to change this pronoun or the one at the beginning of the sentence. It's not hard to puzzle out what you mean, but it's not immediately clear whether the mother or the sister disappears. disappears and leaves Ibsen to tend to his mother alone.

Abigail's trail leads to the land of the Tenders, making her a traitor in the eyes of the South. In the eyes of the culture of the South, or in the eyes of some kind of institution that is in power? I think you need to be a bit clearer about who the enemy is here. No one ventures across the border and returns, but Ibsen will lose his mother, home, and sanity you could just say "everything." if he doesn’t get his sister back. His only guide is a girl who might be lying to him more than helping. She knows her way around the North, and she knows even more about the Tenders – (em-dash, use a double hyphen here too) because she is one.This is awesome, but I want to know a little more about how he found this guide. Does Ibsen head out on foot, leaving his mother behind, and then just randomly run into this girl on the trail? Or did he know her already or something?

As far as her being a surprise Tender, that's just great. Rarely does a twist work that well in a query, without having to over-explain it.

To find Abigail and survive the North, Ibsen must deal with the demons he's been raised to fear. This is the Tenders, right? In their world, he gets more than his sister – (em-dash) far more than he wished for.

Okay. So this query is describing what is obviously an exciting premise for a story. I love the feel of the Civil War remix, and the idea that this near future America is not quite what it seems, but you're lacking some specificity here. I mean I sense that the conflict is Ibsen looking for his sister, with the help of his Tender friend (pun intended) and then worrying about being persecuted by ... someone. My biggest problem is that we have no idea who would be after him, or what they might do to him.

Are we talking about some kind of neo-racist xenophobes who are so terrified of the Tender's powers that they murder them on site? Or is there some kind of government in place that has laws against associating with them? It wouldn't take much, probably just a sentence or two, but if you could set up who the enemy is, the conflict and stakes in your story would make much more sense--and pack more punch.

TENDER is a young adult dystopian fantasy complete at 68,000 words.

So that's it.

What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Get anything wrong? What would you like to see more (or less) of?

Elena Solodow's Current Query

This one is very cool for me, because I think this is the first time I've ever helped someone who I've actually met with their query. Elena Solodow is a friend of mine. We hung out a lot at WFC in San Diego. I know she enjoys sushi, likes good beer, smokes the coolest natural cigarettes, and has some of the most hilarious story ideas I've ever heard.

Right, so anyway, you know the rules. Go follow Elena's blog. I'll wait.

Back? Great.

Here's her query:

Don’t be careful what you wish for--let the Tenders do that!

In the year 2018, the North is ruled by wish-granting humans called Tenders. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen Goodman lives in the South, a segregated country where faith is the priority and Tenders are abominations before God.

Ibsen struggles to care for his schizophrenic mother while his sister Abigail works to keep food on the table. She’s the only one to reassure him that their mother’s illness won’t infect him, until she disappears and leaves Ibsen to tend to his mother alone.

Abigail's trail leads to the land of the Tenders, making her a traitor in the eyes of the South. No one ventures across the border and returns, but Ibsen will lose his mother, home, and sanity if he doesn’t get his sister back. His only guide is a girl who might be lying to him more than helping. She knows her way around the North, and she knows even more about the Tenders – because she is one.

To find Abigail and survive the North, Ibsen must deal with the demons he's been raised to fear. In their world, he gets more than his sister – far more than he wished for.

TENDER is a young adult dystopian fantasy complete at 68,000 words.

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Elena for sharing this with us!

Can I Quote John Cougar Mellencamp, Referene Glee, and Tell the Truth in a Single Post?

Try me.

So yes, I still watch Glee. On TV. Live. It isn't what it used to be, but my children both love the singing, and the underlying messages are still important. So I allow it. I'm usually drinking in the corner, revising, and paying scant attention to the audio.

Anyway, there was a moment in last night's episode (please tell me this was a new episode, and my DVR did not escape from 1984) when the show quoted John Cougar, and in spite of my never being a fan of Bon Jovi, it actually made sense to me.

I've thought a lot about what I write, and why I write it, lately. Some of it has to do with friends and mentors like Andrew and Joe, who never set out to write YA novels, and yet ended up writing books that broke the mold.

For me, I've always wanted to write a book, and I've had hundreds of ideas from high Tolkienesque fantasy to juvenile MG humor, but none of them were ever novel worthy. Then the WM idea struck me, and it seemed like it was the one.

I'm going on too long here, because that's what I do, but to get back to the quote, this is why I write YA, or at least why I might have written the book I wrote, when I didn't even realize it was YA:

Hold on to sixteen, as long as you can. - John Cougar Mellencamp, from Jack and Diane.

At first glance, this is a simple, innocuous line.

But anyone who writes YA, whether on purpose or not, knows different.

This shit matters.

Let me put that quote on a line of it's own.

Hold on to sixteen, as long as you can.

Do you get it?

This shit is serious.

Anyway, I want to talk about what this means to me, and why it matters when it comes to writing books.

I write the longest blog posts when I break paragraphs at every. Single. Sentence.

For me, 16 was the age of innocence and the age of insolence at the same time. My mother was long dead, and my father was long gone, and I had been angry at the world, and defying every rule it ever gave me for years. Every adult I'd ever known had abandoned me to my own devices, or abused me with their sickness.

And yet I carried on. I lived life passionately. Because being young is all about hope, and despair, and poignancy. It's about flipping the bird to authority, and thumbing your nose at conventional wisdom. It's about aching to be touched by someone who loves you, and about drowning your sorrow in cigarettes and booze and Nine Inch Nails. It's about reading your favorite novel for the first time, it's about driving for the first time, it's about freedom.

Or at least it was for me.

There are so many firsts. First love, first kiss, first smoke, first sex. Nothing you do again will ever be as cool (or perhaps as terrible).

Later, when you're all grown up, adulthood is about bills, and 401ks, and tax returns, and ethics competency training. When you're old, getting in the car to go to the grocery store is a chore. When you're young, getting in a car to drive anywhere is an adventure.

When you're old, going to work can feel like being shackled to an oar on a rotting slave galley out of old Volantis. When you're young, going to school can feel like solving a mystery.

When you're old, the days fly by like frames in a film reel. When you're young, each day is like an ocean, teeming with life, and full of possibility.

So ... I realize this is starting to get a little depressing, and it isn't meant to. I mean I might be a jaded, confused, and sad old man, but I do still have beauty and truth in my life. That isn't the point, though.

The point is, I write YA books about young people, that may or may not be for young people, because being young is exciting. Because being young is terrible and beautiful. Because being young is being full of life.

Because I'm trying to hold on to sixteen, as long as I can.

Blog Chain: Writing Desk

Apparently this is the last blog chain of the year. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway, this chain's topic was decided on by Tere, who asked us:

What conditions do you need to get your best writing done? Closed door, crowded coffee house? Computer or notebook? Can you just sit down to write, or do you need to wait for the time to be right?

Before you read my response, go visit Sandra, whose link in the chain comes before mine. Tomorrow, you can visit Kate, whose link comes after.

So, now to my answer, if you can call it that.

I've only been writing seriously for a few years, well, depending on what you consider serious. Seeking publication, I suppose. When I first started, I was very uptight about where and when I wrote. I had to have a desktop computer, with two monitors (one for research, one for drafting) and it had to have a big, clicky keyboard. I always did my best writing first thing in the morning, and tended to have more success revising in the afternoon.

Since then, I've come to realize that writing is a lot like time. You can't always find it, so you have to make it. I'm not sure that analogy makes much sense written down like this, but my point is, you're not always going to be able to find the perfect circumstance, so you have to just make do. I've got two kids and a rowdy dog, so writing at home is difficult, but I do it, when I can, because I have to, even though I can't stand writing on a laptop. I also have an annoying, soul-sucking day job, but I get some writing done there as well, even with phones ringing all over the room, managers walking around pretending they matter, and people talking at me all day long.

All that being said, I would kill for a cabin in the mountains, with a window on the world, and a nice old typewriter on a roll top desk. Oh, that, and the time to enjoy it.

Where do you get your best writing done?

Nancy Thompson's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. We've got Nancy's query again today, except this time with my redline.

Let's get right to it.

Dear (Agent's name):

Skylar Karras awesome name wants one thing, to enjoy life with his new bride and the child they’re expecting, but when his wife falls victim to a reckless woman’s greed, I like this, but it's vague. It becomes clear in a moment that she was probably murdered, but who is this reckless woman? If she's not an important character in the novel, you could just say his wife was murdered without mentioning by who. he’s forced to bury them instead. Now all Sky wants is revenge. His brother, Nick, has the perfect plan: grab the woman responsible and turn her over to his boss, a sex-trafficker in San Francisco’s Russian Mafia. Okay. This is really cool, but it goes with my point, if the murderer is a sex-slave, or a junkie, or both, say so right away. He is he Nick, or the mob boss? offers Sky a deal he can't refuse. In exchange for the woman, he’ll let Nick I thought this was about Skylar, but now Nick's the one who needs to get out of the game? Does Sky not also have ties to the mob? leave the business for good—with his debt wiped clean and his heart still beating. I think we may need to understand this setup a little better. We've got these brothers, one or both of them has ties to the ruthless Russian Mafia, and one wants revenge for his wife's murder, which was committed by a woman associated with the mob. If Sky wants revenge, why would he give this woman back to the mob? Had she somehow escaped their clutches, and he's planning on returning her to her life of victimization?

There’s just one problem: Sky kidnaps the wrong woman. Uh oh. This is a nice twist, and it will work even better if you can clear up the first paragraph a bit.

Now he must protect Hannah Maguire from the very men he’s mistakenly set upon her. But the Russians are holding Nick as leverage to force Sky to complete their deal. I'm starting to understand. Nick was the one caught up in all the crime, Sky was the good brother, but he wants to save his brother and get his revenge all in one move. Caught in a no-win situation, he must find a way to save himself, his brother, and the girl. But with the Russian Mafia, even two out of three makes for very long odds. This is pretty good, great summary, great stakes, great set-up of a difficult choice to make.

THE MISTAKEN, a psychological thriller of 91,000 words, might appeal to fans of Jennifer Hillier’s Creep and Greg Iles’s Turning Angel and Sleep No More. Perfect. This is exactly how you should make these comparisons.

Though I no longer have ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld, I have loosely based my novel on villains and events from my past there. I'm not sure what to say about this. On the one hand, your experience gives you a unique and singular ability to tell this story, which is clearly important biographical information, but I think you might need to get more specific. I mean not here, in a public forum, because I'm sure it's personal information, but I think it will make a big difference to an agent whether you are an ex investigator, criminal, or victim. I'm not sure, it may not matter as much as I think it does, but "ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld" could mean many different things.

I would be happy to provide sample chapters, a full synopsis, or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

So this query is already very good. You people have to stop sending me these great queries, because it makes my job very hard. Just kidding.

I really think you're in great shape here. You've obviously got a high stakes premise, and this sounds a bit like Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, or Eastern Promises, but darker, American, and more contemporary. I think if you fix a couple things in the first paragraph, to clarify, you'll be in excellent shape. My biggest problem is with the logic of the solution, if Sky gives the woman to the mob to save his brother, he's not really getting his revenge, unless giving her back to the mob is the revenge. You need to make that clearer.

Best Regards,
Nancy S. Thompson
(personal info redacted)

That's all, folks.

So what do you guys think? What would you add, cut, or change? Am I wrong in my confusion about the solution to Sky's problems?

Nancy Thompson's Current Query

Happy Thursday, friends. Happy December, too. Today we have the query of Nancy Thompson. Please go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Back?

Here's the query:

Dear (Agent's name):

Skylar Karras wants one thing, to enjoy life with his new bride and the child they’re expecting, but when his wife falls victim to a reckless woman’s greed, he’s forced to bury them instead. Now all Sky wants is revenge. His brother, Nick, has the perfect plan: grab the woman responsible and turn her over to his boss, a sex-trafficker in San Francisco’s Russian Mafia. He offers Sky a deal he can't refuse. In exchange for the woman, he’ll let Nick leave the business for good—with his debt wiped clean and his heart still beating.

There’s just one problem: Sky kidnaps the wrong woman.

Now he must protect Hannah Maguire from the very men he’s mistakenly set upon her. But the Russians are holding Nick as leverage to force Sky to complete their deal. Caught in a no-win situation, he must find a way to save himself, his brother, and the girl. But with the Russian Mafia, even two out of three makes for very long odds.

THE MISTAKEN, a psychological thriller of 91,000 words, might appeal to fans of Jennifer Hillier’s Creep and Greg Iles’s Turning Angel and Sleep No More.

Though I no longer have ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld, I have loosely based my novel on villains and events from my past there.

I would be happy to provide sample chapters, a full synopsis, or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,
Nancy S. Thompson
(personal info redacted)

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. For now you can just say hi to Nancy in the comments, thank her for having the courage to share her query for all of us to learn from, or both!

Vine Leaves Literary Journal

I'm not posting today, because I'm up to my eyebrow in revisions, but you should visit my dear friend Jessica Bell instead. She is posting about a new literary journal she and another friend Dawn Ius have started, called, you guessed it: Vine Leaves Literary Journal.

Head on over to Jessica's blog, but you can also find Vine Leaves on Facebook, and at their website.

Comments are off, because seriously? Just go where I told you to go already, sheesh. Just kidding, have a great day, friends!

Project Mayhem Post

Today is my day to post at Project Mayhem, and since we took the kids to their first NFL game yesterday, I'm asking you guys about books and sports. Head on over, to see if you can answer my question.

Tangled Tides: I Choose Gorgons!

HAPPY BOOK BIRTHDAY TO TANGLED TIDES!

Karen Amanda Hooper’s young adult novel, TANGLED TIDES, is officially being released into the world today. I’m joining the celebration by fighting in the war--the underwater web war between the sea creatures!

Karen’s story contains battling merfolk, selkies, sirens and gorgons. She says she loves all of them, but she wants everyone else to choose a side, so…

I choose Gorgons, because they're awesome. Also, both my daughter and I were born in the year of the snake. Off topic, I know, but still fun!

I'm going to let Karen break down the creatures for you guys, as they appear in her novel:

MERFOLK: of the sun, need warmth, gifted singers, can control water. Fun fact: in my story merfolk are ranked by color. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Violet (yes, the rainbow. And yes, my MC makes fun of it.) Each rank has a designated role and duties to their kind. Also, they must smoke C-weed to survive. You'll have to read the book to find out what C-weed is.

SIRENS: of the sun, need warmth, seductive singers, can control the weather. Fun fact: There are 3 siren sisters, one for each of the original gorgon sisters who were eternally banished to the dark and cold gorgon grotto. The sirens fly and swim between the worlds doing the gorgon sisters' dirty work, but the sirens evolved to be feisty rebels who do whatever they want most of the time--including stealing memories from humans.

SELKIES: of the moon, need cold, phenomenal dancers, can control human minds. Fun fact: selkies need the cold to survive but they're trapped in warm FL weather, so they hang out at Jack Frost's, a bar that is freezing cold and everything (seats, tables, walls, etc) are made out of ice. Their chic fur coats also help keep their bodies cool. They smoke seagarettes and have lots of scars that are invisible to humans.

GORGONS: of the moon, need cold, seductive dancers (though that doesn't get revealed til book 2 ((SHHHH. No one knows that yet but you guys!)), can control the sea creatures (the original 3 are like the gods of their world). Fun fact: Just like Medusa, the gorgons can turn any living thing to stone, but they aren't the heartless evil monsters that are portrayed in most legends. They are wicked smart, fast, and powerful. The male gorgons are tough as rock.

So I'm sure you can see why I selected Gorgons, Medusa aside. Now I want to give Karen a chance to tell you guys about her book. I haven't finished it yet, because I'm very busy, but I have read the first few chapters, and so far it's awesome!

Take it away Karen:

Yara Jones doesn’t believe in sea monsters—until she becomes one.

When a hurricane hits her island home and she wakes up with fins, Yara finds herself tangled up in an underwater world of mysterious merfolk and secretive selkies. Both sides believe Yara can save them by fulfilling a broken promise and opening the sealed gateway to their realm, but they are battling over how it should be done. The selkies want to take her life. The merfolk want something far more precious.

Treygan, the stormy-eyed merman who turned Yara mer, will stop at nothing and sacrifice everything to protect his people—until he falls for Yara. The tides turn as Yara fights to save herself, hundreds of sea creatures, and the merman who has her heart. She could lose her soul in the process—or she might open the gateway to a love that’s deeper than the oceans.

Now let me announce the totally original contest she's running:

Wanna learn more or join in on the fun? Go check out the details at Karen’s blog:

http://www.KarenAmandaHooper.com

Karen is giving away a signed copy of her book and some other sea creature themed prizes. To enter, join the underwater web war on Twitter. Tweet which sea creatures you’re rooting for and why. Include the hashtag #TangledTides and you could win.

Karen will be on Twitter all day celebrating and answering questions, so stop by and say hello.

@Karen_Hooper

And finally, here's where you can find Karen, and her book:

Karen's blog: http://www.karenamandahooper.com/

Amazon:   http://amzn.com/1936850435

Rhemalda Bookstore:   http://tiny.cc/BuyTangledTides

Barnes & Noble:   http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/tangled-tides-karen-amanda-hooper/1035791101?ean=9781936850433&itm=1&usri=tangled%252btides

Goodreads:  http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12047201-tangled-tides

Jenny Morris' Current Query Critiqued

All right, my lovelies. Here we are, the day before Thanksgiving, and I'm at work, awake long before any sensible person ought to be. But I'm here for you, my friends, because I care.

Anyway, today we have Jenny's query again. If you somehow missed yesterday's introduction, scroll down. You can find a link to Jenny's blog on yesterday's post. Yes, your scroll wheel is working.

This time, the query is undergoing my blood red pen. There's not a whole lot else to say, so let's get to work:

Dear Agent:

I am pleased to submit for your consideration my completed 65,000 word young adult fantasy novel, THE GUARDIAN TRIBE.

I think you should skip all this, or rather save it for the end. There are agents who want housekeeping and/or personalization up front like this, but if you're writing to one of these agents, you need more housekeeping and/or personalization than this. If an agent doesn't specifically ask for it up front, I advise getting right to what matters most: the story.

Kella never tells anyone what she is, this comma could be a colon, a freak, to be dissected. Whoa. So on the one hand I really like this line, it's full of voice, and sort of jumps off the page and grabs you by the throat, but on the other hand, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I assume you don't mean literally dissected, and under that assumption, I basically can't figure out what it should mean metaphorically. Unless, I suppose, this is a slasher thriller. If so: cool. She did once and her drug addict mom went crazy. I get that you're trying to hint at backstory, and that's good, but this feels completely disconnected from everything else. Her secret…her best friend, Gabrielle, is her guardian angel. Interesting. That’s not all, Kella can fuse her body to Gabrielle’s angelic form and they become one being. Usually I would want to know more about how something like this works, but I think I'm okay with a bit of vagueness here, because this just sounds so cool. Words never pass between them, only feelings and powers. And besides, you tell us a little about how it works. These angelic powers allow Kella to fly, kick the crap out of boys, and sometimes bring people back from the brink of death. If the query ended here, I would request based off of this one line.

Asher convinces his dad to take him to Haiti, so can prove himself. But then you start to wander. If you've got two alternating POVs in the novel, that's fine, and you can even make that clear in the query, and write a bit about them both, but not like this. It's too sudden, and it makes it seem like you might be talking about two different books. Instead, he finds Kella. She lives in Haiti, or she just happens to be flying by? We need to see a connection here. She’s smart, sexy, and can jump off buildings. Send pages. Life completely changes. The guardian angel Asher stared at for eighteen years, now allows him to fly through the air like a superhero, and sense people’s feelings, especially Kella’s. You're jumping back and forth too much, from sentences with great voice and specificity, like the last one, to ones that make no sense, like this one. Does Asher have his own guardian angel, or are you talking about Gabrielle/Kella again? Why has he been staring at her for 18 years, if he just ran into her in Haiti? Or is this some other angel?

Asher must use every power he has, when Gabrielle is kidnapped. Kella is left afraid, helpless, and very, very human. They must find a way to bring Gabrielle back, or Kella will lose her guardian angel forever. This isn't bad, but you don't even clue us in to the conflict until your final summary sentence. Try to focus on the three Cs: Character, Conflict, and Choice. Give us those three things, as quickly as you can, while still making sense, and you're good to go.

THE GUARDIAN TRIBE appeals to readers who love it when girls kick butt or have ever wished they could fly. Yet, this novel goes beyond most supernatural tales and creates a relationship between humans and angels that will make readers ache to be a member of the Tribe. You don't want to word this kind of thing this way. It sounds a little pretentious. Don't say things like "appeals" say "might appeal" or at least "will appeal." And don't tell an agent that your story will make readers ache, show her, with your writing. Otherwise there are some good lines here, just reword them a little, and it will sound better.

If you would like to consider THE GUARDIAN TRIBE, I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Jenny Morris

Okay. So this query does one thing well: it makes it clear you've got some awesome characters, and a kick-ass premise. Sometimes that's enough.

What you need to do is focus on connecting everything. As it is now your query meanders around too much. You jump from one cool thing to the next, without making sure they are logically connected. You also take too long to get to the conflict, and then never explain it properly. I love the paranormal/supernatural element of your story, and I think I get well enough how it works, but I really would like to see more about what happens.

You're off to a good start here, you've got plenty of voice and a good sense of character, which are hard to do. See if you can rewrite this so the conflict and choice are as good as the rest, and you'll be in great shape.

That's it.

What do you guys think? What would you change? Am I making any sense? What would you like to see more of in Jenny's query?

Jenny Morris' Current Query

Here's another query for you guys.

Before we get to the letter, you have to go visit Jenny's blog, and follow her. I'm serious. The scroll wheel on your mouse is now locked until you get back from your new tab. You are using tabbed browsing, right?

Now, the query:

Dear Agent:

I am pleased to submit for your consideration my completed 65,000 word young adult fantasy novel, THE GUARDIAN TRIBE.

Kella never tells anyone what she is, a freak, to be dissected. She did once and her drug addict mom went crazy. Her secret…her best friend, Gabrielle, is her guardian angel. That’s not all, Kella can fuse her body to Gabrielle’s angelic form and they become one being. Words never pass between them, only feelings and powers. These angelic powers allow Kella to fly, kick the crap out of boys, and sometimes bring people back from the brink of death.

Asher convinces his dad to take him to Haiti, so can prove himself. Instead, he finds Kella. She’s smart, sexy, and can jump off buildings. Life completely changes. The guardian angel Asher stared at for eighteen years, now allows him to fly through the air like a superhero, and sense people’s feelings, especially Kella’s.

Asher must use every power he has, when Gabrielle is kidnapped. Kella is left afraid, helpless, and very, very human. They must find a way to bring Gabrielle back, or Kella will lose her guardian angel forever.

THE GUARDIAN TRIBE appeals to readers who love it when girls kick butt or have ever wished they could fly. Yet, this novel goes beyond most supernatural tales and creates a relationship between humans and angels that will make readers ache to be a member of the Tribe.

If you would like to consider THE GUARDIAN TRIBE, I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Jenny Morris

That's it.

Remember: today is just for introductions. Please save your feedback for tomorrow.

Blog Chain: Greatest Accomplishment

Today is my turn in the blog chain.

Michelle started this one, with the topic:

This is the month in creating writing goals and making big accomplishments. What is your greatest accomplishment -- in writing, your life or perhaps something incidental that had a big effect on you?

Be sure to check out Sandra's post, who is the link in the chain before me, and Kate, whose post will come tomorrow.

Now, to my greatest accomplishment. Others have written about real life things, like parenthood or marriage, and those are certainly worthwhile accomplishments, but I'm going to keep my post writing related, although I am proud to be a father, and to have somehow survived my teenage years.

I think my greatest accomplishment when it comes to writing, is simply getting to type "the end." At least so far. Hopefully in the long run that won't seem like such a big deal, but for now, just finishing a novel, even a horrible, convoluted first draft of a novel, seems like a pretty big deal. It took a lot of patience and perseverance to get there, and it's something most people will never be able to say they've done.

Writers are a unique breed of individual, and even if you never get published, finishing a novel is no small task.

What's your greatest accomplishment?

Become: Ali Cross Blog Tour

Today is my stop on Ali Cross's blog tour for her debut novel: Become. I asked Ali to write about how she manages it all, because as I watch a friend who is as busy as I know Ali is release a book, I have to wonder how one finds the time.

I could probably go on about this for a while, but instead I'll just let Ali take it away:

There's a lot I could say about how to juggle all the balls we each have in the air. But none of it would really matter, because my story isn’t your story.

All I can say is this: We all have our priorities and our own choices to make. And your priorities, your choices, will be different from mine.

Think of yourself as a juggler, keeping a bunch of balls rotating in the air. I think if you took the time to examine what your priorities are, then you might find you’ll do a better job of keeping those balls moving right along.

For me, my first priority is myself. This was a really hard one to accept. Nowhere in any self-help book or parenting book does it say to put yourself first. And yet, this is what feels right for me. My health and happiness are paramount—without those things I lose the strength to launch each ball into the air. Without the juggler, the balls won’t be launched or caught at all. Because I am the juggler, I come first.

Next, comes my relationship with God. And this doesn’t include my church activities or the service I do. This is just me; in prayer, in scripture reading--whatever shapes my relationship with God. He brings the skill, the patience, the awareness, and the knowledge to get those balls moving in an orderly fashion.

My husband and children represent most of the balls. They include being kind, loving them, serving them. The nice thing about these balls, is that once I get them going and I pay attention to them, they return the favor by imbuing me with strength and happiness each time they pass through my hands.

And finally, my writing--which is really back to me again. Because I am my writing. Writing is an essential element in my care for myself. If I’m giving priority to myself, then I’m giving priority to my writing as well.

Notice, I didn’t include errands or housework as any of my balls. Of course I have them, and they do take their turns whirling among the other colorful balls that I swing through the air. But they come and go.

It isn’t necessary for me to juggle all the balls at once. I am not always serving my husband, so I can throw up the service ball during those times. I am not always taking care of my children or writing, so I can replace those balls with housework for a while.

Really, the only balls that I try to keep going all the time are the ones that represent my love and care for myself, and the ones that represent my love and care for God.

I never have all my balls up in the air at the same time, and I think this is how I manage everything I have to do—by making my priorities, and then building my life around those things. Also, I try never to expect perfection. If a good juggler drops a ball, he doesn’t drop all of them in search of the one rolling away. He simply keeps going, knowing that when he stops he can gather up the dropped ball and include it in his next round.

The same holds true as I juggle all the things I’m responsible for. I’ll drop a ball from time to time, but that’s okay. I just keep going with the balls I have until the day is done. Tomorrow is a new day, my balls will all be assembled and ready for me to animate them, and because I’ve taken care of myself, my hands and mind will be all the more nimble, and perhaps I’ll do a better job of keeping my balls in the air.

It all comes down to the priorities you set and the choices you make. Each juggler is different, and so are we!

Now I want to give Ali a chance to plug her book, since that's kind of the point of the tour.

BLURB:
Sixteen-year old Desolation Black wants nothing more than to stay in Hell where it’s cold and lonely and totally predictable. Instead, she’s sent back to Earth where she must face the evil she despises and the good she always feared.

When Desi is forced to embrace her inner demon, she assumes her choice has been made—that she has no hope of being anything other than what her father, Lucifer, has created her to be. What she doesn’t count on, is finding a reason to change—something she’s never had before—a friend.

BIO:
Ali Cross is the sensei of the Writer's Dojo where she holds a black belt in awesome. She lives in Utah with her kickin' husband, two sparring sons, one ninja cat, two sumo dogs and four zen turtles.

You can find her:

On her blog.
At the Writer's Dojo.
On Facebook.
Or Twitter.

Thanks so much for letting me take part in your tour, Ali!

You're the best, and I wish you nothing but success.

Kristen Wixted's Current Query Critiqued

It's raining in torrents here, and my office has a metal roof. So I can barely hear myself think.

Who comes up with these clichés? Thinking is silent, of course you can't hear it.

Anyway, the point is, I'm just going to dive right in, and get to work. You all met Kristen yesterday, and if you didn't, just scroll down to the post beneath this one.

Today I'm featuring her query again, this time with my thoughts, in red text.

Here we go:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

I’ve read your profiles and interviews on xxx blogs/web-sites, and I am impressed with your sincerity and your passion for good quality children’s writing. I hope you will consider my middle grade novel, SILVER POOL OF LIGHT, for your list.

I'm not going to cover this first part. I mean I could say this is too short and too generic to really qualify as true personalization of a query letter, but I get the feeling you were just giving an example, and wouldn't intend to write your personalization this way for every query you send in.

Eleven-year-old Eve Tilton, a self-proclaimed “blossoming” celebrity, YES! This is the kind of thing I always try to fight for in the queries I critique. In 7 little words (okay, yes, some are hyphenated), you've given us a wonderful idea of who our character is, showed us why we should care, and done it with voice.  NOTE TO READERS WHO QUERY: This is how you introduce an MC. has been afraid of the ocean since living through a horrible I'm not sure you need this. I can't imagine surviving a deep ocean accident that would be anything but utterly terrifying. If there is a key plot reason for this, get more specific. sailing accident at the age of five. So maybe she's can't fully remember the details? Just the paralyzing fear? When she spends the month of July on Martha’s Vineyard that sounds like torture for someone with her fears. with her step-siblings and great aunt, she hopes for privacy. Privacy? That seems odd. I can't remember thinking about privacy at eleven, and I'd be picturing Eve hoping not to drown. Lately Eve’s been forced to share so many personal details on celebrity blogs and the ever-growing iGirl website…it’s becoming tedious. Okay. Now I'm confused. Forced by whom? I get that she's some kind of eleven-year-old iCarly or something, but who is forcing her to do this, and what details is she sharing?

So your opening paragraph starts out strong, with incredible character, and decent hook, but it soon gets muddled for me (subjectivity). I don't have a clear idea of what the plot is going to be, which isn't necessarily required this far into the query, but it's giving me a sense of "I thought it would be about this, but it's actually about that," which is not usually good.

Plus, Eve has a secret friend—don't use em-dashes in queries. It works here, because I pasted from your word doc, but email clients do funny things to advanced formatting like this. Besides, this works better as a sentence. she doesn’t want her step-sibs snooping around in Aunt Tibby’s attic when she’s writing to eleven(-)year(-)old Jane Mayhew. Because Jane lives in 1874. Eve doesn’t know how it works—em-dash maybe the diary they write in time-travels, or maybe the sea chest the diary is kept in. But if she writes in the diary and places it in the chest, and waits…Jane writes back. From 1874. I really like this. It sounds like a fascinating premise, but the problem here is that your plot is only getting more muddled as things go on. Right now I get the feeling that the plot is the correspondence between the girls, and the fear of the ocean and the iGirl stuff is all backstory. I obviously could be wrong.

This paragraph suffers from much the same problem as the first. It's well written, with good voice and cool ideas, but it's not cohesive, in the big picture sense, with the rest of the query. Right now I have no clear idea what the main conflict in this book is, and I've read too much not to know that by now.

It’s pre-occupying, technically this verb makes sense (though as a word preoccupy does not need to be hyphenated) but I don't think it works here. I think you want something stronger. writing back and forth with a girl from more than a hundred years ago. They write about what they have in common: funny aunts, clueless fathers, acquaintances with more interesting lives than their own. But just as Eve is invited to hob-nob with film stars, Wait. What? So the internet celebrity stuff is not backstory? Now I'm really confused. It's not that you can't have subplots in the novel, and I'm sure they work well there, but your query needs to focus on one main conflict. she discovers that Jane is going to board a doomed whaling ship. Eve enlists Liam, her twelve-year-old, slightly smelly step-brother, to help her keep Jane off the ship. Can they time travel? Or do they have to convince her with a letter? As they plot and plan, she tries to focus on Jane, but it’s so hard to concentrate on tempests, malaria, and whale blubber when you’re invited to a movie star’s private beach…. You only need three dots in an ellipsis. Eve faces difficult choices, knowing that if Jane boards that ship, she will die in an accident eerily similar to the one Eve survived the day her mother died. I do like the way you sum this up. Well done on summarizing.

SILVER POOL OF LIGHT is complete at 48,000 words. How do you fit all this plot into so few words? Last summer I completed the advanced novel workshop at the University of Iowa, isn't this one of the most prestigious writing programs in the country? Good stuff. and have attended numerous SCBWI writing workshops. I hold a certificate I didn't even know you could get certificates in writing. I may have to look into that myself. in Children’s Writing from Emerson College and am a member of SCBWI. Please visit my writer’s blog: Don’t Forget the Samovar, at blogspot.com. Excellent bio. I wouldn't change a thing.

Per your submission guidelines I have pasted in the first 5/10 this is like your personalization I think, just an example. pages below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Okay. So the pros are that you've got great writing, great voice, and great ideas in this query. That's good news, because those are harder to fix.

The problem is that this query lacks focus, and may be too long. Without the to and from lines, it's 390 words. Now I'm not going to tell you there are rules about query length, because I don't believe in that crap. I've seen a query that had less than 50 words and it blew me away just as much as it did Janet Reid. I can't think of an example, but I'm sure there are longer queries that work too. As long as it serves the story, don't worry about length. Problem is: I worry that your length here doesn't serve the story.

Try to focus on one plot line, one conflict, and the one choice that must be made. I think it's the correspondence with the historical girl, and the need to save her, but I can't quite tell for sure.

Sincerely,

Kristen Wixted

That's all, folks.

So what do you guys think? What would you change? Do you think she really needs to cut as much as I think she needs to cut? How would you write a better opening hook for this story?

A NOTE ON ELLIPSES: There is actually apparently some debate about the point I made about three dots in an ellipsis. Some manuals of style describe a terminal ellipsis that can use four dots, but only if it ends a sentence or a paragraph. There is also debate . . . on how to space ellipses. When I write them in fiction, I always surround each dot with a space on either side, because I prefer the way it looks, but there are publications out there that will tell you that is wrong.

I'm going to continue to suggest to Kristen that she only use three dots (you'll notice some of hers do only have three dots, so the one with four may have been on purpose), but I would like everyone to keep in mind that like all the advice I give, it is highly subjective, and should only be followed if it resonates for you (the author).

Kristen Wixted's Current Query

Good morning friends. I'm not really here, I'm revising. Shh, don't tell my book. I just wanted to drop in quick and share a query with you guys. It's not really blogging, because all I have to do is paste it, like Zuzu's petals, and then I can get back to work. The hard part is tomorrow, with the red ink.

So anyway, before I get to the query, please go follow Kristen at her blog: Don't Forget the Samovar. Go on.

Back? All right. I'm sure you remember the rules. Today is just for introductions, please save your feedback for tomorrow.

The query:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

I’ve read your profiles and interviews on xxx blogs/web-sites, and I am impressed with your sincerity and your passion for good quality children’s writing. I hope you will consider my middle grade novel, SILVER POOL OF LIGHT, for your list.

Eleven-year-old Eve Tilton, a self-proclaimed “blossoming” celebrity, has been afraid of the ocean since living through a horrible sailing accident at the age of five. When she spends the month of July on Martha’s Vineyard with her step-siblings and great aunt, she hopes for privacy. Lately Eve’s been forced to share so many personal details on celebrity blogs and the ever-growing iGirl website…it’s becoming tedious.

Plus, Eve has a secret friend—she doesn’t want her step-sibs snooping around in Aunt Tibby’s attic when she’s writing to eleven year old Jane Mayhew. Because Jane lives in 1874. Eve doesn’t know how it works—maybe the diary they write in time-travels, or maybe the sea chest the diary is kept in. But if she writes in the diary and places it in the chest, and waits…Jane writes back. From 1874.

It’s pre-occupying, writing back and forth with a girl from more than a hundred years ago. They write about what they have in common: funny aunts, clueless fathers, acquaintances with more interesting lives than their own. But just as Eve is invited to hob-nob with film stars, she discovers that Jane is going to board a doomed whaling ship. Eve enlists Liam, her twelve-year-old, slightly smelly step-brother, to help her keep Jane off the ship. As they plot and plan, she tries to focus on Jane, but it’s so hard to concentrate on tempests, malaria, and whale blubber when you’re invited to a movie star’s private beach…. Eve faces difficult choices, knowing that if Jane boards that ship, she will die in an accident eerily similar to the one Eve survived the day her mother died.

SILVER POOL OF LIGHT is complete at 48,000 words. Last summer I completed the advanced novel workshop at the University of Iowa, and have attended numerous SCBWI writing workshops. I hold a certificate in Children’s Writing from Emerson College and am a member of SCBWI. Please visit my writer’s blog: Don’t Forget the Samovar, at blogspot.com.

Per your submission guidelines I have pasted in the first 5/10 pages below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Kristen Wixted

That's it.

So please tell Kristen hello in the comments, thank her for sharing her query, and then bite your tongue until tomorrow. Thanks!

LuLu Short Story Contest

I've entered some of my stories in the LuLu Short Story Contest. The pieces I've entered are ones I refer to as flash fiction, because they're so short they don't really contain a plot, and I don't consider that to be a short story, but it doesn't really matter.

You can enter pretty much any piece of fiction, as long as it's less than 600 words long (not counting title or byline), and you can win $500 or a Nook, or some other stuff. It's very easy to enter, all you have to do is convert your story to the epub format, which LuLu let's you do for free.

I've entered three stories, and I would really appreciate if you guys would go download them, and read them. I don't think it makes any difference in the contest whether or how often they're downloaded, but the editions I made are free, and you can read them on any device that can read an epub file. Plus, I hope you'll enjoy them.

You can get them here:

Babysat by the Man in the Moon.

A Deafening Silence.

Lake Argo.

Please give them a read, and let me know what you think! If you prefer to just read them online (I've made some tiny edits since they first went up), you can just check the links on the My Writing page. If you do that please be sure to leave a comment. Thanks!

I also encourage all of you to enter. It's very easy to put your story on LuLu, and who knows, maybe one of us will win. Otherwise, have the best Monday you can. I know, it's hard.

String Bridge Amazon Chart Rush

Today is THE day to help Jessica Bell's debut, STRING BRIDGE, hit
the bestseller list on Amazon, and receive the all-original soundtrack, Melody Hill: On the Other Side, written and performed by the author herself, for free!

All you have to do is
purchase the book today (paperback, or eBook), November 11th, and
then email the receipt to:

jessica.carmen.bell(at)gmail(dot)com

She will then email you a link to download the album at no extra cost!

To purchase the paperback:

Amazon USA

To purchase the eBook:

Amazon USA

Amazon UK

To listen to samples of the soundtrack, visit iTunes.

If you are
not familiar with String Bridge,
check out the book trailer:

Rave Reviews for String Bridge:

“Jessica Bell’s STRING BRIDGE strummed the fret of my
veins, thrummed my blood into a mad rush, played me taut until the final page, yet with echoes still reverberating. A rhythmic debut with metrical tones of heavied dark, fleeting prisms of light, and finally, a burst of joy—just as with any good song, my hopeful heartbeat kept tempo with Bell’s narrative.” ~ Kathryn Magendie, author of Sweetie and Publishing Editor of Rose & Thorn Journal

“Poet and musician Jessica Bell's debut novel String Bridge is a rich exploration of desire, guilt, and the difficult balancing act of the modern woman. The writing is lyrical throughout, seamlessly integrating setting, character and plot in a musical structure that allows the reader to identify with Melody's growing insecurity as her world begins to unravel … String Bridge is a powerful debut from a promising writer, full of music, metaphor, and just a hint of magic.” ~ Magdalena Ball, author of Repulsion Thrust and Sleep Before Evening

“Jessica Bell is a brilliant writer of great skill and depth. She doesn't pull back from the difficult scenes, from conflict, pain, intensity. She puts it all out there, no holds barred, no holding back. She knows how to craft a scene, how to develop character, how to create suspense. This is an absolutely brilliant debut novel.
I look forward to reading her next novel, and next and next.” ~ Karen Jones Gowen, author of Farm Girl, Uncut Diamonds and House of Diamonds

Connect with Jessica:

String Bridge: http://www.stringbridge.com/

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/jessica_bell

Website: http://www.jessicacbell.com/

Blog: http://thealliterativeallomorph.blogspot.com/

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/author.jessica.bell

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MsBessieBell

Publisher: http://www.luckypress.com

Please TWEET and/or FACEBOOK this post using #StringBridge!

String Bridge (The Album) Review

Today is my stop on the launch tour for my dear friend Jessica Bell's debut novel. I'm not actually reviewing the novel though, I'm reviewing the album that goes along with it. Before I get to that, can I just say: I think this is such a brilliant idea.

I've never heard of this being done before. I mean sure, I bet there's been a band biography that was accompanied by some tired old greatest hits compilation album, but I've never heard of a novel, a debut no less, being accompanied by an original album, performed almost entirely by the author, and inspired by the main character. I think that's cool as shit.

Anyway, the album is not actually called String Bridge. I just made that the title of the post so it wouldn't get confusing. The album is called Melody Hill: On the Other Side, by Jessica Bell.

Before I start to talk about it, let me tell you where you can get the album:

It can be purchased on iTunes
Or bought from Amazon.com
Or Amazon.co.uk

Now, before I review the album, I just want to point out that Jessica is a good friend of mine. Not only is she a lovely personality, but she's a great writer, who is hilarious, and incredibly supportive. We've exchanged work before, and she is also an excellent, professional editor.

I received this album for free, as promotional material intended for advanced review, but that doesn't mean I'm going to blow smoke at you about it. Jessica understands that I only "review" books I love, and I told her I wouldn't do this post if I didn't care for the album. Thankfully, that's not a problem.

I think this album is the perfect companion for this novel. Jessica's voice is at times haunting, at times joyous, and at times devastatingly sorrowful, which is much like life, and much like String Bridge. Jessica sings just as she writes: with brutal honesty, and a fearless desire to face the intricacies of a life full of passionate suffering, as well as graceful bliss, with truth and courage.

I've never been very good at reviewing books, let alone albums, but I did used to own a small independent record label, and from that experience I can tell you that the production on this album is top notch. You might have thought an author recording an album to "promote their book" (not that Jessica did that, she's a natural) would be some kind of hack job with a singer howling into a cheap drum mic, with weak guitar and no other kind of backing tracks, but you'd be wrong. Jessica plays acoustic/rhythm guitar for the entire album, as well as bass guitar for On the Other Side. Lead guitar is performed by George Priniotakis, who also arranged, produced, and mastered every track at Artracks Recording Studios, in Athens, Greece. The sound engineer was Alex Bolpasis, who is a cat who obviously knows something about microphones, and their placement. The vocals, the acoustic guitar, and even the drums, which could theoretically be digital, sound crisp and clear, and yet do not lose the analog warmth that comes from properly micing those kind of instruments.

Jessica truly has the voice of a siren, and this album would be a joy if that's all it was, but it's very nice to see highly professional production to go along with it. I think my favorite song is the fifth track, Famous. Yes, it does have an ill breakbeat that kicks in at the end, and I'm a sucker for beats, whether they be live drums, or from an 808, a 909, or even a 303, but that's not why I love this song. I love Famous, because it speaks to the fundamental questions we all ask ourselves about our lives, regardless of what we do for a living, or who makes up our families. I've been given permission by Jess to reprint the lyrics here, but you've got to get the album to truly have a feeling for the meaning of this track.

Famous

so you want to live the life of a star

and you want to be at peace with mankind

really want to be a mother and father

so you want to know the meaning of life

want to be the ripple and wave

really want to know yourself completely

so you want to start your own revolution

and you want to teach your daughter it all

and you really want to fight this depression

do you really want to hold emotions to ransom

do you want to be cruel to be kind

do you really want to lose precious intentions

so you really want everyone to hear you

and you want everyone to see

but do you really want to be this famous?

I could go on about the album, but this post is long enough, and you really ought to just hear it for yourself. Plus, I think I would be remiss without saying something about the book.

You might be surprised to find that a guy who loves stories about sword fights, magic, dragons, and rogues would get into a novel like this, but every once in a while, you want to read a story not for what it's about, but for the way it's told.

Jessica tells us Melody's story with such style and poetry that the prose grabs you equally by the balls and heart, and does not let up as it throttles you, caresses you, and throttles you again. Jessica has a gift for language that is as impressive as it is inspiring.

Let me show you the places where you can find Jessica, and her debut novel from Lucky Press: String Bridge:

Jessica's blog.
Jessica's website.
Jessica on Facebook.
Jessica on Twitter.
The String Bridge website.
String Bridge on Goodreads.
String Bridge Trailer.
String Bridge Merchandise.

And you can purchase String Bridge as an ebook, at:

Amazon US.
Amazon UK.

Or as a paperback, at:

Amazon US.
Amazon UK.
Barnes & Noble.

For a better, full on review of the book, from a much less hairy, sweaty, manly point of view, please visit the lovely and most slippery of bloggers: Karen Amanda Hooper, at Eternal Moonshine of a Daydreaming Mind.