Mark Rubinkowski's Current Query

Today I have something new and different. Well, not really that different, I mean it's another query, but Mark is a guy I met in the Forums at WriteOnCon, and he's pretty new to blogging and writing. He has a blog, which you should follow, called Living in the Middle of Nowhere, but it's new, so there isn't much content yet.

Here's his query:

Super heroes used to exist. They protected society from the threats of super villains and mad scientists. People used to look to them for safety. One day, seventeen years ago, everything changed. The heroes accused the rest of the world of being lazy and deemed it undeserving of their protection.

Sixteen-year-old Mark Novak lives in Springfield,Illinois, which is run by an demented man. He is an ordinary boy whose favorite class in school is History of the Superhero and has a huge crush on a new girl. One walk into the woods with his friends changes his destiny forever.

Mark and his friends start to develop powers after a chance encounter with a hidden base in the forest. Even though they barely understand what is happening, they will be forced to face down threats from science gone horribly wrong and the consequences a few acts of standing up for ones self can cause. Along the way, they begin to uncover the answers behind the disappearance of the heroes and that they may not be the heroes everyone thought they would be. Mark and his friends are faced with a choice. Use their powers and save their failing city or standby and let things take their natural course.

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Mark for his courage.

The Kindness Project: Giving

Too often kindness is relegated to a random act performed only when we’re feeling good. But an even greater kindness (to ourselves and others) occurs when we reach out even when we aren't feeling entirely whole . It’s not easy, and no one is perfect. But we’ve decided it’s not impossible to brighten the world one smile, one kind word, one blog post at a time. To that end, a few of us writers have established The Kindness Project, starting with a series of inspirational posts.

Today I just want to highlight something I heard about on the radio. I know, it's kind of a cop-out in comparison to some of the other Kindness Project posts I've done, but I've been slammed at work lately, and even being on a hiatus from blogging hasn't helped much.

So anyway, I was listening to NPR on the way in this morning, as I am wont to do, and I heard this story, about literary giant Larry McMurtry, author of Terms of Endearment and Lonesome Dove, among others, who is holding an auction for 300,000 rare and used books.

His bookstore, Booked Up, is apparently a sprawling operation that takes up four buildings in his tiny town of Archer City, Texas. It's home to around half a million books, the majority of which will soon be going up for auction. In the interview, he said that he was concerned about his legacy, but wanted to unload some of the books because his son and his grandson are not book people.

This got me thinking about family, legacies, and giving. My dad died four years ago this October, and when my sisters and I went through his house, there was a lot of stuff to decide about. A lot of paintings, a lot of records, and a lot of books. Not nearly as many as Mr. McMurtry, of course, but a lot. We still have not had time to go through it all.

He died suddenly, and while he did have a will, it didn't specify what he wanted done with any particular items, so we've put most of it in storage until we have time to decide what to do with it. Someday I hope to have time to decide what I want to keep, and what I can give away, assuming someone somewhere wants it.

When I first heard about this auction, I was saddened and amazed (he's not giving the books away for free or anything, but still), but then I remembered my dad's stuff, and recalled what a burden it can be.

I don't know if I really have a point, but you should check out that story, it's pretty interesting. And here are the rest of today's Kindness Project posts:

This is a Test

Not really. I just thought it would be really cheesy if I titled this post that way, because I'm writing about This is Not a Test, over at YA Confidential today. Please stop by and give it a read.

Other than that, I'm loving the Olympics. I'm pretty sentimental, so I always enjoy that kind of thing. That being said, the best thing on television is The Newsroom. If you missed last night's episode ... wow.

Summer Frey's Current Query Critiqued

Okay, work has finally calmed down long enough for me to catch my breath. Here we have Summer's query, this time with my feedback, in red.

Let's get right to work:

Dear Agent,

Ellery Benedek knows three things: Like Ellery Queen? I like it.

1) How to piss off her mother.
2) How to trainwreck a career.
3) How to get out of prison.

I like this. For one, it breaks the rules, and works. That's hard to do, and it makes your query stand out. Now, there are a couple points I think you can improve on. This being an adult novel, Ellery's age is not necessarily critical, but it might help to know whether she is 25, or 40. Also, isn't it her own career that she train-wrecked? It might be worth pointing out it wasn't someone else's. Finally, doesn't everyone know how to get out of prison? As in, you do your time, you don't cause any trouble, and as long as you didn't get sentenced to life, eventually you get released or paroled, right? Or did you mean escape from prison? If you're only pointing it out because she did time (and that is some great characterization), maybe you should reword it to focus on the fact that she served at all, rather than focusing on her eventual release.

The first she comes by honestly, just another dysfunctional mother-daughter pair in a line of Siren women butting heads since the dawn of man. The second is a direct by-product of that dysfunctional relationship: when her mother made a deal with a devil, she got Ellery in return. This is vague. If it's a convoluted (but awesome) backstory, then maybe you don't have room to explain. However, the way it is written here, doesn't make sense. In the first sentence, you mention the mother-daughter pair, then in this sentence, it kind of sounds like Ellery's mom doesn't have her as a daughter until she makes this deal with the devil. And when that deal results with Ellery compelled to rip the heart from a patient’s chest, Ellery finds herself sentenced to rot in the belly of Castigo, a prison hidden from humankind where Hallow deviants are sent to die. I would love to know why Ellery feels compelled to do this, but this inciting incident is basically so bad-ass I don't really care.

After some not-so-divine intervention from Daddy Dearest, this is vague. Does he break her out of prison? Intervene politically to get her released? Try to be as specific as you can, as long as you can keep it clear and concise. ex-doctor and now ex-con Ellery is completely unemployable, but desperate for a break in the hellish monotony of freedom. Enter Roman Vassilikos, a shady P.I. in need of Ellery’s questionable morals and ability to bend any will to her own. Hallow women gone missing are turning up dead, maimed and dumped for the humans to find. Desperate to keep this hunt for the Hallow(s?) off her resume of failure, Ellery plows headlong in a darkening web of conspiracy, dominion, and the potential genocide of all Hallow women. As her investigation begins to reveal familiar faces in all the wrong places, Ellery realizes that she may not be the only Siren singing up shit creek. With the path to revelation growing narrower by the hour, Ellery will have to decide what price she’s willing to pay for the truth: life, or a life worth living. These last 4 or 5 sentences are some of the best query CONFLICT and CHOICE I've ever read. Don't change a thing in this part.

ALL THAT REMAINS is a 92,000 word urban fantasy set in the rural backwoods of coastal Georgia. I love that this Urban Fantasy takes place in the backwoods. Because Urban is part of the genre name, and it doesn't always literally have to be in a major city. Anyway, I just think it makes for a cool play on words.

Okay, so to summarize: I think this query is already very good. The way you end it in particular stands out and shines. Also, you've got excellent voice throughout, without being afraid to poke a little fun at yourself, or the style of this kind of story.

Like I said, don't touch the last four of five sentences. The thing with Dad breaking her out could be clearer, but I don't think it's a deal breaker, and if it would be too hard to explain in a query (meaning: need too many words), I think you'd be okay leaving it as is. The thing with mom and the deal with the devil, I really do think you need to clarify. I hope you can find a way to briefly make it clearer specifically what you mean.

Nicole? Sarah? Who's read this? Can anyone suggest something here?

Finally, I like the way you opened this. It reminds me a bit of one of the best rule breaking queries I've ever seen (Josin L. McQuien's at Query Shark - link). That being said, I think you should clarify point 2) and sharpen up point 3) a little. It's already pretty cool as is, but just another word here or there could make it pack even more punch.

Ellery's age - I don't think it would hurt to mention it, but this being adult Urban Fantasy, I think it's fine if you leave it out.

That's it.

What do you all think? Disagree with anything? See anything I missed? Please share your feedback in the comments, and have a great weekend!

Summer Frey's Current Query

Yes, I'm still technically on hiatus, but Summer is a friend, and she's getting ready to query, so when she asked me to take a look, I couldn't possibly say no. So I'm putting her query up today, and will be critiquing it tomorrow, because while I could have done it privately, I always think hearing from multiple people is much more helpful.

Now, you all remember the rules, right? If you don't know Summer, go visit her blog, become a follower, and come back here.

Ready?

Here's her query:

Dear Agent,

Ellery Benedek knows three things:

1) How to piss off her mother.
2) How to trainwreck a career.
3) How to get out of prison.

The first she comes by honestly, just another dysfunctional mother-daughter pair in a line of Siren women butting heads since the dawn of man. The second is a direct by-product of that dysfunctional relationship: when her mother made a deal with a devil, she got Ellery in return. And when that deal results with Ellery compelled to rip the heart from a patient’s chest, Ellery finds herself sentenced to rot in the belly of Castigo, a prison hidden from humankind where Hallow deviants are sent to die.

After some not-so-divine intervention from Daddy Dearest, ex-doctor and now ex-con Ellery is completely unemployable, but desperate for a break in the hellish monotony of freedom. Enter Roman Vassilikos, a shady P.I. in need of Ellery’s questionable morals and ability to bend any will to her own. Hallow women gone missing are turning up dead, maimed and dumped for the humans to find. Desperate to keep this hunt for the Hallow off her resume of failure, Ellery plows headlong in a darkening web of conspiracy, dominion, and the potential genocide of all Hallow women. As her investigation begins to reveal familiar faces in all the wrong places, Ellery realizes that she may not be the only Siren singing up shit creek. With the path to revelation growing narrower by the hour, Ellery will have to decide what price she’s willing to pay for the truth: life, or a life worth living.

ALL THAT REMAINS is a 92,000 word urban fantasy set in the rural backwoods of coastal Georgia.

That's it.

Okay. Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, make sure you followed Summer's blog, and then thank her in the comments for sharing this with us. Oh, and come back tomorrow for all the red.