Heather Gale's Current Query Critiqued

Okay, it's finally another Friday. Mom is out of town, so I have to come in late, after getting the kids off to school. I'm going to try to finish this tonight (Thursday), but if I don't, it may go up late. We'll see. Anyway, today we have Heather's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

Here's the query:

Dear Ms. B. Agent,

How old are early readers? Like seven? Is the character that age? Say so. Maddison Bernadette Maria Wiseman has the longest name in her family. It may even be the longest name in her neighbourhood! If you read my blog, you know that when I critique queries, I always harp on people for not introducing character first. Character, character, character. I normally want to know what kind of person a character is, before their story ever starts, because I want to know they're someone I can root for and sympathize with so that I care whether or not they overcome their plight.

However, first of all, this is an early reader (which comes before chapter books, if I recall correctly) so I bet the query can get to the point a little quicker. Furthermore, I think this actually works. It's not normal query characterization, but it is kind of characterization. You get the idea that she doesn't fit in her family, in her neighborhood, or maybe even in her own skin. Anyway, yes I just spent like a hundred words telling you your first two sentences work for me.

This year she can’t wait to be called Maddie B. except school doesn’t start for another two long days. This sentence would work better as two independent clauses (separated by a semi-colon), or maybe even two separate sentences. Being bored is not easy and keeping a promise can be harder still, even if learning to do your laundry sounds easy simple? When everything goes wrong, and her mother just never seems to be available, it is up to Maddie to clean up the mess. Too bad the scratchy-old towels give her the shuddery-jeebies! Other than the points I've mentioned, I like this. It's quick and to the point, but it does have a good sense of conflict and choice, and I don't think you need a lot more than that for a twenty-three-hundred word book.

To stand apart from other early reader stories, Maddie includes the reader as a confident confidAnt and seeks their opinion or thoughts. I'm curious about this. Of course this kind of thing is normally verboten, but I could see it working in a book like this. I'd like to know how you execute it though. Does she break the fourth wall completely? Does she address the reader in second person? Obviously any pages you get to include will show that, but it might help to include it in your query. Unless my other readers know better?

I am an unpublished writer with have a background in Orthotics and Prosthetics, however an established children’s author has critiqued this story and advised that it has the quality to be published. Nope. Don't do this. If the writer is represented by this agent, you can maybe ask them to refer you, but unless you know them very well, even asking can be bad form. But if they're not, this just looks ... I don't want to sound harsh, but it looks desperate.

Actually, unless the book includes a character with a prosthetic limb, you can probably cut this whole paragraph. It's fine to be an unpublished writer, agents sign debut authors all the time.

Besides, on a lighter note, this is, to me, already the makings of a great story, and a good query. Let it stand on its own. You don't need to cheapen it by including this other stuff.

Complete at 2,350 words, Maddie B.: Washing Clothes is Easy Peasy . . . Oops! is an early reader story, set in Toronto, Canada.

I believe this will appeal to fans of the Ivy and Bean, Junie B. Jones, and Clementine series. I'm pretty meh on comparisons. I don't use them, and I don't tend to like reading them, but some agents do like them.

Please note that this is a simultaneous submission. I hope you enjoy reading Chapter One as much as I did in writing it. You don't need any of this either. Mention exclusive submissions, but unless an agent's submission guidelines specifically ask you to mention that your submission is simultaneous, it's pretty much understood that it is. And whether or not you get to include chapter one will be up to the submission guidelines.

In advance, tThank you for your time.

Kind regards,

Heather Gale

In summary, I think this is mostly pretty good. Take my story related advice with a grain of salt, because I've never critiqued an early reader query, and I don't know a lot about the level.

I do know something about story though, and I think you have the basics down.

Do listen to me about these housekeeping details though, because I've read hundreds of queries, and I've seen what works. The main thing to keep in mind is that the story, and then the writing, must stand alone. None of the other details really matter.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Does anyone write early readers? What about chapter books? Anything below MG? Otherwise, see anything you disagree with? Please leave your feedback in the comments, and have a great weekend.

Heather Gale's Current Query

Happy Thursday, QQQEers! Today I have Heather's query. She doesn't have a blog, so there's nowhere to link you to, or tell you to go follow, but that's okay, we don't discriminate around here.

So here's her query:

Dear Ms. B. Agent,

Maddison Bernadette Maria Wiseman has the longest name in her family. It may even be the longest name in her neighbourhood!

This year she can’t wait to be called Maddie B. except school doesn’t start for another two long days. Being bored is not easy and keeping a promise can be harder still, even if learning to do your laundry sounds easy. When everything goes wrong, and her mother just never seems to be available, it is up to Maddie to clean up the mess. Too bad the scratchy-old towels give her the shuddery-jeebies!

To stand apart from other early reader stories, Maddie includes the reader as a confident and seeks their opinion or thoughts.

I am an unpublished writer with a background in Orthotics and Prosthetics, however an established children’s author has critiqued this story and advised that it has the quality to be published.

Complete at 2,350 words, Maddie B.: Washing Clothes is Easy Peasy . . . Oops! is an early reader story, set in Toronto, Canada.

I believe this will appeal to fans of the Ivy and Bean, Junie B. Jones, and Clementine series.

Please note that this is a simultaneous submission. I hope you enjoy reading Chapter One as much as I did in writing it.

In advance, thank you for your time.

Kind regards,

Heather Gale

That's it.

I've never done a query for an early reader, but a good story is a good story, and good writing is good writing, so hopefully I'll be able to help. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, when I'll share mine.