Eliana Rojas' Current Query Critiqued

First, if you didn't see the post below this one, last night, please check that out. My kid is finally getting going with her blog, and would love your support!

Now, let's get to work. My feedback for Eliana will be in red.

Here's her query:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation you definitely don't need this. Sending a query is automatically seeking representation, so stating the obvious in your query is a waste of precious words. for my young adult superhero story FRAGILE LITTLE THINGS, complete at 60, 000 words. Personally, I recommend leaving the housekeeping until the end. Some agents do like it up front though, so we won't focus on that. When Vannette befriends the ghostly new student, her loved ones are marked as collateral in the hunt that ended her new friend's life.

As far as the second sentence, that's your opening hook. It's not bad, per se, as opening hooks go, but it could definitely be stronger. The most important thing to convey in the opening of a query is a sense of CHARACTER. We need to know who your story is about, and learn enough about what kind of person they are to realize why we should we care whether or not they succeed. Who is Vanette? She must be a teenager, but a 14-year-old is a very different character from a 17-year-old, so be sure to give us her age, as well as describing what kind of person she is before your story begins.

Then, as far as your inciting incident, it's all pretty vague. Is the new student literally a ghost, or just ghostly? Also, I get the impression this story contains a kind of mystery in which Vanette searches for how or what killed her friend, but I can't tell exactly how it relates to her loved ones.

Finishing middle school is harder in practice. Harder than what? At least for eighth grader so she's like 13 or 14? Give us this info right up front. Vannette Lore whose fairytale life was shattered by a car crash. But when she wakes up one night to find a ghost outside her window, protecting the fragile remainders of her life is near impossible. This whole paragraph would actually probably work better as your opening hook. It's still a bit vague (how was her life a fairytale? what are the fragile remains?), but it's better.

She’s always been terrible with manipulating the energy she produces wait. What? I know you said superhero story in the beginning, but this feels like it comes out of left field. Also, it's vague. but she never thought it’d reanimate a spirit or he’d crumble the walls around her heart. Or put her loved ones in danger. This feels a bit like a spaghetti approach. Try to focus on your main conflict, and get specific about exactly what difficulty Vannette must overcome.

The details of Dalton’s Dalton is the ghost? You need to clarify that. past unearthing, unearthing what? The way this is written, the details are the subject of this clause. I think you mean, being unearthed, which is passive voice, but whatever. Vannette has to give up everything that makes her an individual to save the ones she loves. And herself. Get specific. What exactly does she have to give up? What loved ones does she have to save? Obviously someone survived the car crash, but who are they?

I started writing before I knew the whole alphabet thanks to my favorite show, Sailor Moon. My love for superheroes and writing only grew when my father gave me my first laptop. I have another story waiting polish and other ideas asking for attention. You don't need any of this. If you've never been published, simply don't bring it up. Agents sign first time authors all the time, but you don't want to make it obvious this is your first manuscript.

Thank you for your time,

Eliana Rojas

To summarize, this query needs some work. The good news is that it's obvious you have a passion for storytelling, and I think there is probably a great story underneath this query.

Try to focus on the three Cs when you re-write this. Character, Conflict, and Choice. Who is your story about, and why she would care about her? What difficulties does she have to overcome, and what tough decision will she have to make in order to do so?

Finally, try to be as specific as possible. You use a lot of vague phrasing in this query, and that leaves your reader wondering what actually happens in your story, which you don't want.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anything I missed? Please share your feedback in the comments.

Eliana Rojas' Current Query

It's Thursday, so it's time for another query. I'm not sure if Eliana has a blog, so I'll be back to edit this if I hear back from her.

UPDATE: Here's Eliana's blog - heartofforever.blogspot.com

For now, here's her query:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my young adult superhero story FRAGILE LITTLE THINGS, complete at 60, 000 words. When Vannette befriends the ghostly new student, her loved ones are marked as collateral in the hunt that ended her new friend's life.

Finishing middle school is harder in practice. At least for eighth grader Vannette Lore whose fairytale life was shattered by a car crash. But when she wakes up one night to find a ghost outside her window, protecting the fragile remainders of her life is near impossible.

She’s always been terrible with manipulating the energy she produces but she never thought it’d reanimate a spirit or he’d crumble the walls around her heart. Or put her loved ones in danger.

The details of Dalton’s past unearthing, Vannette has to give up everything that makes her an individual to save the ones she loves. And herself.

I started writing before I knew the whole alphabet thanks to my favorite show, Sailor Moon. My love for superheroes and writing only grew when my father gave me my first laptop. I have another story waiting polish and other ideas asking for attention.

Thank you for your time,

Eliana Rojas

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Eliana for sharing!