Pleasantly Surprised and Thoroughly Impressed

As you guys know from yesterday, my Kindle broke over the holiday. I was very concerned what was going to happen. Well, I am excited to tell you, I had the best customer service interaction I have ever experienced yesterday afternoon.

I will share the important part of the chat I had with Bhuvnesh, the Amazon Customer Service Rep, below, but I can easily summarize as well. I chatted with this gentleman for literally five minutes, before he reached the decision that Amazon would be replacing my Kindle, and shipping it next day air, on their dime.

Yes, you read that right. I would not have to send them the failed device, wait for them to refurbish it, and hope that a working one would arrive, 4 to 6 weeks later. They did not have to inspect my device to ensure it was not user error or negligence that damaged it. He did ask a few key questions, as you will see, but I easily could have been lying in my answers (I was not, but I could have been, he had no way to know).

Microsoft, whose X-Box 360 red ring of death scandal is one of the worst in consumer electronics history, I'm looking at you. This is how customers ought to be treated.

Now, before we get all blue flowers and unicorn farts on Amazon, let's keep in mind their business model. Amazon does not profit from selling Kindles. In fact, they're losing a good bit of money on the Kindle Fire, at least on the hardware, on purpose. That's because Amazon makes money off the content we buy to view on our Kindles. A lot of money. There's nothing wrong with that, but the point is, it makes sense for them to do everything they can to make sure I have a working device, so that I can purchase more content.

Yes, it costs them money to overnight the device to me, and yes, it costs them money to simply replace my failed Kindle sight unseen, but it's good business. It keeps me loyal, and it keeps me in a position to be able to buy more content from them, content which provides them with the highest possible profit margin.

Now, none of this is to say that a corporation as giant as Amazon should ever be considered completely benevolent, or that you should stop shopping at local indie bookstores, but it is evidence that they are getting one thing right. In fact, this whole thing went down so fast and so easily for me, it quite literally blew my mind.

Do any of you have any customer service nightmares or wondrous dreams to share?

Holiday Woes

I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, and there are many things I could tell you about, and celebrate, but instead I'm going to bitch about a couple things, because I can.

My Kindle died over the weekend. I've owned it for about 9 months. I'm really pissed. I'd grown quite attached to it, I must say, in those few short months.

I was in the middle of reading a really good book, too. Not one I can talk about, though. Thankfully I have the Kindle app on my iPad, so all was not lost, but reading on the iPad is a little bit like spraying lemon juice into your eyes, at least by comparison.

There is nothing quite as cool as e-ink. Except when that shit dies. I have no idea what went wrong with it. On Christmas Eve, it just froze. It would not respond to any buttons. I gave it a hard reset by holding the sleep slider button over to the right for over 20 seconds, and that rebooted the device, which then worked for about five minutes, and froze up again. I was able to reset it 3 or 4 times on Christmas Eve, but by the time we got home from Grandma's house, it was completely screwed. Now it will not respond to any buttons, and will only light up when connected to the charger, but will not be recognized by the PC, or complete charging (where the indicator turns from yellow to green). Amazon better have some kind of warranty in place, because I've had it for less than a year, and just got a second and third Kindle (different models) for my kids.

I'll be contacting them today.

The other thing I need to bitch about is the NFL. Well, mainly, Adrian Petersen. Every game I watched over the weekend sucked., but especially the Vikings. Not only did they win a pointless game, and therefore needlessly remove themselves from the running for the first draft pick, but they lost Adrian Petersen, possibly the best player in the sport, for this season, and most likely some of next season. It seems so utterly pointless.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have been playing. He's a competitor, and that's what they do, but for him to tear his ACL and MCL in such a needless game, and then for the Vikings to go on and somehow win that game ... it just puts a really crappy cap on a truly terrible season.

All right, that's it. I'm done complaining. I really did have a wonderful holiday, otherwise. How was your Christmas?

A Song of Ice and Fire

This series could have been called A Song of Onions, Turnips, and the Human Nipple. I'm only kidding, but Martin did seem a bit obsessed with certain things.

Anyway, I just finished A Dance with Dragons, the fifth book in this series, on Friday. I'm not really going to review the series, because, for one thing, I don't do reviews, and for another, the scope of this story is just too grand to be analyzed by me, especially when I'm not yet done absorbing everything the tale has to say.

I will talk about some writing mechanics type things that Martin does well. I won't talk about any possible weaknesses, although these books can be very frustrating at times. Mostly I want to talk about what it's like to take nearly a year to read a series, and then be nowhere closer to any kind of conclusion than you were before. This feeling is why I usually don't begin a series until it's all been published, but when I heard about HBO doing the show, I knew I'd be left with no choice.

The nice thing is, now I'll be able to read other books. It's not like I haven't read any other books while I was reading Martin, but each of the books in this series is at least 800 pages long, so there was a certain time commitment necessary to get through them all.

Anyway, this post will end up going on far too long if I try to talk about everything that comes to mind ... maybe I should turn it into a series. No, that time would be better spent on my own novel. But I do want to cover what I think is Martin's greatest strength.

There are no heroes and no villains. Just like in real life, people do not go around thinking "I'm a good guy," or "I'm a bad guy." They just don't. Some people do the right thing, because they were raised that way, or because they enjoy it, or for any number of reasons, but people don't go to war, or on missions, because they want to be a hero. Some people have less than worthwhile motives and goals, but they don't set out to be evil, just for evil's sake. They generally believe what they are doing is right, or that at least the ends justify the means.

Martin is the master are both creating and portraying both sides of the spectrum. There are absolutely no heroes and no villains in this story. The characters you begin by absolutely hating, eventually come around to earn at least some sympathy. The characters you were at first convinced were full of nothing but honor or innocence, or both, reveal their humanity soon enough.

There is one particular section, I believe it was the fourth book, in which I was so over having to read chapters from this one character's point of view, because this character was essentially reprehensible, and yet. I. Could. Not. Put. It. Down.

Have you ever experienced something like that? Obviously if this would have happened earlier in the story, I probably would have given up on it, but I think the way that Martin built the plot (or lack thereof, depending on your opinion), up to the point where even reading the POV of characters you essentially hated was still fascinating. I basically have no idea how he made it work.

Wow. So this probably makes very little sense to any of you. Has anyone read these books? Seen the show? Even if you've read them, can you make any sense of my spoiler avoiding ramblings?

How bout those Kansas City Chiefs?

Donna Weaver's Current Query Critiqued

Good morning. Or, well, at least neutral morning. The one thing I can confirm is that it's morning.

Today we have Donna's query again, except this time, with my feedback, which is in red.

Here we go:

Dear [Agent's Name]:

Lyn needs something to distract her from the fact that her dead fiancé turned out to be a cheating scumbag. I love the way you sneak this backstory in, that's done very well, but I would like to know more about Lyn as a character first. Other than what's happened to her, what kind of person is she? What she plans is a vacation diversion: an uncomplicated, unromantic cruise. Do people go on cruises by themselves? I suppose they do, but I'd never considered it before. What fate provides is Braedon. Here is another missed opportunity for a bit of characterization. I get it that we learn a lot more about him in the next paragraph, and that's great, but even one or two more words here would help this pack more punch.

Against the backdrop of the ship’s make-believe world, what does this mean? Is it some kind of fantasy theme cruise? Lyn finds herself drawn to him. His interest in people, his gentle humor, his love of music, and even his willingness to let her take him down during morning Karate practices. Hah! Love this. Unexpectedly, her long-dead emotions come alive again.

However, fear is an emotion, too. Mmm, I don't know if everyone will agree, but for me this is a tasty little twist.

Unaware of the sensitive waters he navigates, Braedon makes his move. It sucks I'm not sure this is the voice you want, unless the book is written that way. How old is Lyn? when it happens to be on the anniversary she came to forget. Came to forget, or ached to forget? I think you could stand to use some stronger wording for things like this. He doesn’t ask for much, just a chance, and part of her wants to give it to him. But Lyn's painful memories are too powerful, and she won't trust another fairytale. I like this, it really reveals the tender position her heart is in, while wording her inability to trust, in a clear, but stylistic way.

Later in the cruise the estranged pair finds themselves on the same snorkeling excursion. Awkward enough, but then paradise turns to piracy when their party is kidnapped. Lyn must overcome her fears to fight alongside the man she rejected, first for their freedom and then their survival while lost at sea. This whole last paragraph is awesome. I don't read much romance, so up until this graph I was kind of ... this query is good, but the book probably wouldn't be for me. But then you hit me with this twist, and tied it to the foreshadowing (yes, a query can foreshadow, for a few seconds). I think this conclusion really sums up the final conflict and the choice Lyn must make quite well.

And fate isn’t finished yet. I'm not sure you need this, though. You already just finished with a bang, and this is vague, a bit cliche, and just weakens the punch you just gave.

A CHANGE OF PLANS is a clean adventure romance at 96,000 words. I currently serve on the Board of the League of Utah Writers’ Utah Valley Chapter and am the Social Director for the iWriteNetwork. [Here is where I’d put the personalized information about the specific agent.] I know there's ongoing debate about this, but I put personalization at the end when I query, too. Now, I want to talk about genre. Personally, I would drop the clean, and call this a romantic adventure, or adventure-romance. I'm no expert on this, but my understanding is that romance is clean by definition, and if there is explicit sex, it's erotica. I'm not sure, but my friend Tawna Fenske will know, so I'll ask her to stop by.

So, in summary, I think you've got a good query on your hands. The structure is nearly perfect, you open, introduce us to the characters, set up the internal conflict, and the choice that goes with it, then escalate to the external conflict. Character. Conflict. Choice. That's exactly how it should be. What I want to see changed is your opening hook, and better introduction to the character behind your characters, if that makes any sense.

That's it!

What do the rest of you think? How could Donna open with a stronger hook, add more characterization, and still keep the nice backstory set up without using too many words?

Does anyone who read or write romance know if I'm right in my assumption? Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Donna Weaver's Current Query

Our laptop died last night. I was really pissed, because I'd been planning on getting some revising in, which I don't often do at home, and then I couldn't. We all share one laptop. We have a desktop, but it's a ten year old iMac, and I don't write on it. Thank goodness it's only the laptop power supply. We were able to order a replacement from Amazon for very little money. The shipping is more than the product.

Anyway, enough about my computer woes. Today we have another query. Do you guys know Donna Weaver? Go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Now here's her query:

Dear [Agent's Name]:

Lyn needs something to distract her from the fact that her dead fiancé turned out to be a cheating scumbag. What she plans is a vacation diversion: an uncomplicated, unromantic cruise. What fate provides is Braedon.

Against the backdrop of the ship’s make-believe world, Lyn finds herself drawn to him. His interest in people, his gentle humor, his love of music, and even his willingness to let her take him down during morning Karate practices. Unexpectedly, her long-dead emotions come alive again.

However, fear is an emotion, too.

Unaware of the sensitive waters he navigates, Braedon makes his move. It sucks when it happens to be on the anniversary she came to forget. He doesn’t ask for much, just a chance, and part of her wants to give it to him. But Lyn's painful memories are too powerful, and she won't trust another fairytale.

Later in the cruise the estranged pair finds themselves on the same snorkeling excursion. Awkward enough, but then paradise turns to piracy when their party is kidnapped. Lyn must overcome her fears to fight alongside the man she rejected, first for their freedom and then their survival while lost at sea.

And fate isn’t finished yet.

A CHANGE OF PLANS is a clean adventure romance at 96,000 words. I currently serve on the Board of the League of Utah Writers’ Utah Valley Chapter and am the Social Director for the iWriteNetwork. [Here is where I’d put the personalized information about the specific agent.]

That's it.

Please say hi to Donna, and thank her for her courage, but keep your feedback for tomorrow. Thanks!

Another PM Post

I'm writing over at Project Mayhem again today. It's kind of a highly personal topic for me, so please stop by my post, and recommend some books!

Part One

Sorry for the double post today, guys. If you're just arriving now, see right below this post, for the first place I would love it if you would visit. If you're coming back, because you saw I double posted, then please go visit YA Confidential, where I was only barely involved in something very cool my friend Sara McClung put together.

Alliteration Sensation

I was featured at Laura Barnes' blog this weekend, on a Saturday. No one reads blogs on Saturdays, so I thought I'd send you all over there now. Please go read Laura's feature/interview of me, which you can find: here.

Elena Solodow's Current Query Critiqued

Here we are, back in business. Let's get right to work on Elena's query.

My feedback will be in red.

Here we go:

Don’t be careful what you wish for--let the Tenders do that!

I get what you're trying to do here, but I don't think you need this. It is kind of a clever line, but it has very little meaning to a reader at the beginning like this, and even later, when we understand what it means, it's unlikely someone would come back to it.

On the other hand, it's awesome to see you know how to represent an em-dash in a query letter. As much as I love the em-dash, it does not play well with others; others being the hundreds of potential email clients an agent might be using, which may or may not work well with rich text and advanced formatting. If you want an em-dash in your query, readers, do it like this, with two hyphens/normal dashes.

In the year 2018, the North is ruled by wish-granting humans called Tenders. This is a much better hook. It's got world building, voice, and a great potential for conflict, all in a few succinct words. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen I agree with other readers that this is an awesome name. If anyone doesn't know the playwright Henrik Ibsen, go look him up, he had one of the coolest beards ever known to man. Goodman lives in the South, a segregated country where faith is the priority and Tenders are abominations before God. I like this concept, and I think the idea makes for an excellent punch at the end of your opening paragraph, but I'm not sure the execution is as good as it could be. For example "faith is the priority" sounds a bit weak to me. If Tenders are abominations (awesome wording there, BTW) then I think you can use stronger language in the phrase that precedes it. I haven't read this novel, so I'm not sure what to suggest, but I'm sure you can come up with something more vivid. Also, segregated how? What are the cultural groups that are being separated and/or oppressed?

Ibsen struggles to care for his schizophrenic mother love this while his sister Abigail works can you be more specific? What does she do? Farm, hunt, steal, or have a normal type job? to keep food on the table. She’s the only one to reassure him that their mother’s illness won’t infect him, does Ibsen not know that mental illness is not contagious, or is that not true in the world of TENDER? until she you may want to change this pronoun or the one at the beginning of the sentence. It's not hard to puzzle out what you mean, but it's not immediately clear whether the mother or the sister disappears. disappears and leaves Ibsen to tend to his mother alone.

Abigail's trail leads to the land of the Tenders, making her a traitor in the eyes of the South. In the eyes of the culture of the South, or in the eyes of some kind of institution that is in power? I think you need to be a bit clearer about who the enemy is here. No one ventures across the border and returns, but Ibsen will lose his mother, home, and sanity you could just say "everything." if he doesn’t get his sister back. His only guide is a girl who might be lying to him more than helping. She knows her way around the North, and she knows even more about the Tenders – (em-dash, use a double hyphen here too) because she is one.This is awesome, but I want to know a little more about how he found this guide. Does Ibsen head out on foot, leaving his mother behind, and then just randomly run into this girl on the trail? Or did he know her already or something?

As far as her being a surprise Tender, that's just great. Rarely does a twist work that well in a query, without having to over-explain it.

To find Abigail and survive the North, Ibsen must deal with the demons he's been raised to fear. This is the Tenders, right? In their world, he gets more than his sister – (em-dash) far more than he wished for.

Okay. So this query is describing what is obviously an exciting premise for a story. I love the feel of the Civil War remix, and the idea that this near future America is not quite what it seems, but you're lacking some specificity here. I mean I sense that the conflict is Ibsen looking for his sister, with the help of his Tender friend (pun intended) and then worrying about being persecuted by ... someone. My biggest problem is that we have no idea who would be after him, or what they might do to him.

Are we talking about some kind of neo-racist xenophobes who are so terrified of the Tender's powers that they murder them on site? Or is there some kind of government in place that has laws against associating with them? It wouldn't take much, probably just a sentence or two, but if you could set up who the enemy is, the conflict and stakes in your story would make much more sense--and pack more punch.

TENDER is a young adult dystopian fantasy complete at 68,000 words.

So that's it.

What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Get anything wrong? What would you like to see more (or less) of?

Elena Solodow's Current Query

This one is very cool for me, because I think this is the first time I've ever helped someone who I've actually met with their query. Elena Solodow is a friend of mine. We hung out a lot at WFC in San Diego. I know she enjoys sushi, likes good beer, smokes the coolest natural cigarettes, and has some of the most hilarious story ideas I've ever heard.

Right, so anyway, you know the rules. Go follow Elena's blog. I'll wait.

Back? Great.

Here's her query:

Don’t be careful what you wish for--let the Tenders do that!

In the year 2018, the North is ruled by wish-granting humans called Tenders. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen Goodman lives in the South, a segregated country where faith is the priority and Tenders are abominations before God.

Ibsen struggles to care for his schizophrenic mother while his sister Abigail works to keep food on the table. She’s the only one to reassure him that their mother’s illness won’t infect him, until she disappears and leaves Ibsen to tend to his mother alone.

Abigail's trail leads to the land of the Tenders, making her a traitor in the eyes of the South. No one ventures across the border and returns, but Ibsen will lose his mother, home, and sanity if he doesn’t get his sister back. His only guide is a girl who might be lying to him more than helping. She knows her way around the North, and she knows even more about the Tenders – because she is one.

To find Abigail and survive the North, Ibsen must deal with the demons he's been raised to fear. In their world, he gets more than his sister – far more than he wished for.

TENDER is a young adult dystopian fantasy complete at 68,000 words.

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Elena for sharing this with us!

Can I Quote John Cougar Mellencamp, Referene Glee, and Tell the Truth in a Single Post?

Try me.

So yes, I still watch Glee. On TV. Live. It isn't what it used to be, but my children both love the singing, and the underlying messages are still important. So I allow it. I'm usually drinking in the corner, revising, and paying scant attention to the audio.

Anyway, there was a moment in last night's episode (please tell me this was a new episode, and my DVR did not escape from 1984) when the show quoted John Cougar, and in spite of my never being a fan of Bon Jovi, it actually made sense to me.

I've thought a lot about what I write, and why I write it, lately. Some of it has to do with friends and mentors like Andrew and Joe, who never set out to write YA novels, and yet ended up writing books that broke the mold.

For me, I've always wanted to write a book, and I've had hundreds of ideas from high Tolkienesque fantasy to juvenile MG humor, but none of them were ever novel worthy. Then the WM idea struck me, and it seemed like it was the one.

I'm going on too long here, because that's what I do, but to get back to the quote, this is why I write YA, or at least why I might have written the book I wrote, when I didn't even realize it was YA:

Hold on to sixteen, as long as you can. - John Cougar Mellencamp, from Jack and Diane.

At first glance, this is a simple, innocuous line.

But anyone who writes YA, whether on purpose or not, knows different.

This shit matters.

Let me put that quote on a line of it's own.

Hold on to sixteen, as long as you can.

Do you get it?

This shit is serious.

Anyway, I want to talk about what this means to me, and why it matters when it comes to writing books.

I write the longest blog posts when I break paragraphs at every. Single. Sentence.

For me, 16 was the age of innocence and the age of insolence at the same time. My mother was long dead, and my father was long gone, and I had been angry at the world, and defying every rule it ever gave me for years. Every adult I'd ever known had abandoned me to my own devices, or abused me with their sickness.

And yet I carried on. I lived life passionately. Because being young is all about hope, and despair, and poignancy. It's about flipping the bird to authority, and thumbing your nose at conventional wisdom. It's about aching to be touched by someone who loves you, and about drowning your sorrow in cigarettes and booze and Nine Inch Nails. It's about reading your favorite novel for the first time, it's about driving for the first time, it's about freedom.

Or at least it was for me.

There are so many firsts. First love, first kiss, first smoke, first sex. Nothing you do again will ever be as cool (or perhaps as terrible).

Later, when you're all grown up, adulthood is about bills, and 401ks, and tax returns, and ethics competency training. When you're old, getting in the car to go to the grocery store is a chore. When you're young, getting in a car to drive anywhere is an adventure.

When you're old, going to work can feel like being shackled to an oar on a rotting slave galley out of old Volantis. When you're young, going to school can feel like solving a mystery.

When you're old, the days fly by like frames in a film reel. When you're young, each day is like an ocean, teeming with life, and full of possibility.

So ... I realize this is starting to get a little depressing, and it isn't meant to. I mean I might be a jaded, confused, and sad old man, but I do still have beauty and truth in my life. That isn't the point, though.

The point is, I write YA books about young people, that may or may not be for young people, because being young is exciting. Because being young is terrible and beautiful. Because being young is being full of life.

Because I'm trying to hold on to sixteen, as long as I can.

Blog Chain: Writing Desk

Apparently this is the last blog chain of the year. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway, this chain's topic was decided on by Tere, who asked us:

What conditions do you need to get your best writing done? Closed door, crowded coffee house? Computer or notebook? Can you just sit down to write, or do you need to wait for the time to be right?

Before you read my response, go visit Sandra, whose link in the chain comes before mine. Tomorrow, you can visit Kate, whose link comes after.

So, now to my answer, if you can call it that.

I've only been writing seriously for a few years, well, depending on what you consider serious. Seeking publication, I suppose. When I first started, I was very uptight about where and when I wrote. I had to have a desktop computer, with two monitors (one for research, one for drafting) and it had to have a big, clicky keyboard. I always did my best writing first thing in the morning, and tended to have more success revising in the afternoon.

Since then, I've come to realize that writing is a lot like time. You can't always find it, so you have to make it. I'm not sure that analogy makes much sense written down like this, but my point is, you're not always going to be able to find the perfect circumstance, so you have to just make do. I've got two kids and a rowdy dog, so writing at home is difficult, but I do it, when I can, because I have to, even though I can't stand writing on a laptop. I also have an annoying, soul-sucking day job, but I get some writing done there as well, even with phones ringing all over the room, managers walking around pretending they matter, and people talking at me all day long.

All that being said, I would kill for a cabin in the mountains, with a window on the world, and a nice old typewriter on a roll top desk. Oh, that, and the time to enjoy it.

Where do you get your best writing done?

Nancy Thompson's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. We've got Nancy's query again today, except this time with my redline.

Let's get right to it.

Dear (Agent's name):

Skylar Karras awesome name wants one thing, to enjoy life with his new bride and the child they’re expecting, but when his wife falls victim to a reckless woman’s greed, I like this, but it's vague. It becomes clear in a moment that she was probably murdered, but who is this reckless woman? If she's not an important character in the novel, you could just say his wife was murdered without mentioning by who. he’s forced to bury them instead. Now all Sky wants is revenge. His brother, Nick, has the perfect plan: grab the woman responsible and turn her over to his boss, a sex-trafficker in San Francisco’s Russian Mafia. Okay. This is really cool, but it goes with my point, if the murderer is a sex-slave, or a junkie, or both, say so right away. He is he Nick, or the mob boss? offers Sky a deal he can't refuse. In exchange for the woman, he’ll let Nick I thought this was about Skylar, but now Nick's the one who needs to get out of the game? Does Sky not also have ties to the mob? leave the business for good—with his debt wiped clean and his heart still beating. I think we may need to understand this setup a little better. We've got these brothers, one or both of them has ties to the ruthless Russian Mafia, and one wants revenge for his wife's murder, which was committed by a woman associated with the mob. If Sky wants revenge, why would he give this woman back to the mob? Had she somehow escaped their clutches, and he's planning on returning her to her life of victimization?

There’s just one problem: Sky kidnaps the wrong woman. Uh oh. This is a nice twist, and it will work even better if you can clear up the first paragraph a bit.

Now he must protect Hannah Maguire from the very men he’s mistakenly set upon her. But the Russians are holding Nick as leverage to force Sky to complete their deal. I'm starting to understand. Nick was the one caught up in all the crime, Sky was the good brother, but he wants to save his brother and get his revenge all in one move. Caught in a no-win situation, he must find a way to save himself, his brother, and the girl. But with the Russian Mafia, even two out of three makes for very long odds. This is pretty good, great summary, great stakes, great set-up of a difficult choice to make.

THE MISTAKEN, a psychological thriller of 91,000 words, might appeal to fans of Jennifer Hillier’s Creep and Greg Iles’s Turning Angel and Sleep No More. Perfect. This is exactly how you should make these comparisons.

Though I no longer have ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld, I have loosely based my novel on villains and events from my past there. I'm not sure what to say about this. On the one hand, your experience gives you a unique and singular ability to tell this story, which is clearly important biographical information, but I think you might need to get more specific. I mean not here, in a public forum, because I'm sure it's personal information, but I think it will make a big difference to an agent whether you are an ex investigator, criminal, or victim. I'm not sure, it may not matter as much as I think it does, but "ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld" could mean many different things.

I would be happy to provide sample chapters, a full synopsis, or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

So this query is already very good. You people have to stop sending me these great queries, because it makes my job very hard. Just kidding.

I really think you're in great shape here. You've obviously got a high stakes premise, and this sounds a bit like Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, or Eastern Promises, but darker, American, and more contemporary. I think if you fix a couple things in the first paragraph, to clarify, you'll be in excellent shape. My biggest problem is with the logic of the solution, if Sky gives the woman to the mob to save his brother, he's not really getting his revenge, unless giving her back to the mob is the revenge. You need to make that clearer.

Best Regards,
Nancy S. Thompson
(personal info redacted)

That's all, folks.

So what do you guys think? What would you add, cut, or change? Am I wrong in my confusion about the solution to Sky's problems?

Nancy Thompson's Current Query

Happy Thursday, friends. Happy December, too. Today we have the query of Nancy Thompson. Please go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Back?

Here's the query:

Dear (Agent's name):

Skylar Karras wants one thing, to enjoy life with his new bride and the child they’re expecting, but when his wife falls victim to a reckless woman’s greed, he’s forced to bury them instead. Now all Sky wants is revenge. His brother, Nick, has the perfect plan: grab the woman responsible and turn her over to his boss, a sex-trafficker in San Francisco’s Russian Mafia. He offers Sky a deal he can't refuse. In exchange for the woman, he’ll let Nick leave the business for good—with his debt wiped clean and his heart still beating.

There’s just one problem: Sky kidnaps the wrong woman.

Now he must protect Hannah Maguire from the very men he’s mistakenly set upon her. But the Russians are holding Nick as leverage to force Sky to complete their deal. Caught in a no-win situation, he must find a way to save himself, his brother, and the girl. But with the Russian Mafia, even two out of three makes for very long odds.

THE MISTAKEN, a psychological thriller of 91,000 words, might appeal to fans of Jennifer Hillier’s Creep and Greg Iles’s Turning Angel and Sleep No More.

Though I no longer have ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld, I have loosely based my novel on villains and events from my past there.

I would be happy to provide sample chapters, a full synopsis, or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,
Nancy S. Thompson
(personal info redacted)

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. For now you can just say hi to Nancy in the comments, thank her for having the courage to share her query for all of us to learn from, or both!