Chelsey Blair's Current Query Critiqued

Okay, so today I'm breaking down Chelsey's query, as best I can. I'm only going to be dealing with the story/meat/plot part, as the rest is going to be (hopefully) tailored to each agent. My thoughts will be in red.

First of all, this query, without personalization, or housekeeeping, is 298 words long. That might be a bit long, but you can probably get away with it, as long as everything is needed and nothing can be trimmed or made shorter. I'm critiquing as I go here, so I'll let you know if I see anything that can go.

Full Disclosure: my own query is 309. Long queries can work but shorter is almost always better. I want and need to trim my own.

Seventeen-year-old guitarist Meridian is sick of being mocked by her classmates at Fernsgrove High School, where her tendency to lapse into French when she’s pissed off has earned her the nickname Madame le Freak. I would go for a new paragraph here. This is a rather strong opening hook, and I would like to see it stand out. They don’t care that she grew up in Paris, or that they’ll regret taunting her once she’s a star, and she plans to make that a reality sooner than anyone expects. She’s packed to leave when her cousin Natalie’s gymnastics accident changes her plan. Fourteen-year-old Natalie is the only one in Fernsgrove who understands Meridian’s rock-star aspirations. Natalie needs support to deal with the lifestyle changes that come with a prosthetic leg. Meridian has no choice but to damn herself to suburban hell for the foreseeable future.

I think the rest of this second paragraph has some very strong points, but could probably be trimmed and improved. First off, it does a great job of slipping in just enough backstory, without making it feel like backstory. It also sets up a great conflict, and gives a pretty good sense of what the stakes will be.

The one problem I have is that you essentially lose all the great voice you had set up in your hook. It all depends on what kind of novel this is, but your opening sentence makes it sound funny, angsty, and very smart. The rest of this paragraph feels a bit like a book report. That's okay--if the books is incredibly sad, or comes across as kind of clinical--but I would try to make the voice match throughout.

The one other thing about the rest of this paragraph is that I think you should try to trim it. The information is all good, and I think it's all necessary, but you use too many words to say it. I like the first two sentences, and the last two are pretty good as well, but I think the middle one can go, or at least be trimmed.

Update: coming back after reaching the end, you may also want to consider re-writing this beginning. It makes it sound like the book is going to be about high school, but it turns out that's actually backstory too, right?

For the summer, the girls retreat to Harvard Square in Cambridge, where it’s easy to hide from their nightmares amongst the living statues. They’re safe there, away from the divorce war-zone of their house, and the neighborhood bullies. While Natalie searches for a new passion, Meridian finds a place in the music scene. For the first time she experiences the safety that comes with letting people in. Maybe she can wait to run after her dream of stardom.

Here's where I get a little confused. Cambridge is not suburbia. Where do they live? Wayland? Framingham? The T doesn't go out that far so how do they get to Harvard Square everyday? I'm sure it works perfectly in the novel, but be careful about details in the query, because they can sometimes contradict.

I would also consider cutting the last two sentences here. They're vague and not crucial to your plot. I understand the part about Meridian letting people in may be crucial to your internal plot, but it's not made clear here, and we can somewhat infer it from the backstory you've provided.

Or maybe not. She’s busking is this a word? I looked it up and it means street performing. That doesn't make sense here. Maybe "busking for the line?" the line of a late-night gig and an intoxicated concert-goer pulls a knife on them. Why? He's drunk? Wants their guitar case full of money? She and Natalie make a narrow escape, and she blames the incident on her desire to showcase them on the streets, where people aren’t as accepting of their differences as she thought. Determined to find somewhere she can fit in without consequence, she demolishes the life she’s made for herself in Massachusetts and takes off for New York. But playing solo isn’t as easy when you’re used to having back-up, and she may have alienated all of hers.

Did she leave without Natalie? This whole last paragraph is a little confusing to me. The knife attack kind of comes out of nowhere, and flips my expectations of the story on its head. It can work, but you have to build to it. And if she "blames the incident on her desire to showcase them on the streets" why would she go to New York to perform on the street? Cambridge is much safer than any part of New York.

All in all I think you're off to a great start. This sounds like a compelling story, and you clearly have a way with words. I think with a little trimming, and some re-wording of parts, you could have a great query going here.

So what do you all think? Please feel free to disagree with me, because that's the best kind of feedback a person can get. Leave your thoughts in the comments, or feel free to reach Chelsey through her blog, but please at least let us know what, if anything, you would change.