Intrigued by the Setting

Here is yet another example of a bad query. This one is much better than the others, as you will see. That's great because we have Lisa and Laura sharing one of the most awesome queries ever tomorrow and I don't want to look like any more of a schmuck than I already do.

So without further ado on to the query:

May 29th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR-MONKS and is complete. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader as well. I also feel obligated to inform you that this is not an exclusive submission and although I do not yet have an offer of representation there are several other agents who have requested and are currently reading full or partial versions of the manuscript. That being said I really liked what you had to say about yourself and your representation on the about page of your website and I imagine that I would love to have you represent my project.

Hi Ms. Agent lady. Do you have a Master's Degree? Yes? Okay. Have you been working in the publishing industry for years? Yes? Okay. Have you represented dozens of authors before and have a pretty good idea of what you're doing and where the market is going? Yes? Cool. Would you like to be told how to do your job by a first time novelist?

That is basically what that part about YA readers buying books in droves says. This is BAD BAD BAD. Of course she already knows that, it's probably why she represents the genre. In fact it's probably why almost every agent out there reps it right now.

Anyway take that one sentence out and you've got a half way decent paragraph. This business stuff can and should go at the end but some agents don't mind it first and a few prefer it. The admission of non-exclusivity is not really necessary but it is polite and professional to let them know if your MS is already on request to other agents. That way they can decide if they have the time to read a little more quickly.

Mentioning her website is great. Agents love it when you actually take the time to research them. I should have been more specific though.

Wow that was a lot of analysis for one paragraph. Whew.

The book is about a young man named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle's home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. It is an introspective and character driven novel.

Hmm. This is not horrible. Actually it is pretty bad but I say not horrible because you should have seen some of the earlier versions. What this lacks is voice, conflict, more of what happens, and a reason you would give a shit about this character or his choices.

I wonder if she would have read more if this had been a better query.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

This is crap. Again: the agent knows that first time authors write great books, in fact if an agent takes unsolicited submissions they are probably counting on it. Don't insult their intelligence. Instead compare and contrast your project to something similar that has found success.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Email address is sufficient. The rest is only necessary if representation is offered.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

P.S. Here is a sample of the intro/prologue chapter of the book which is honestly just slightly over ten pages long:

She requested the first ten pages in her guidelines.

FIRST CHAPTER

Her reply:

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for your query. Warrior-Monks sounds extremely interesting and I am very intrigued by the setting of Montana.

Unfortunately, I need to focus all my time and energy on my current clients. I wish you the best of luck in shopping around your project.

Sincerely,

REDACTED

This is awesome. I know, I know, it's a rejection. But there is proof that it is not form! I bet if the query hadn't been so suckalicious she might have requested more pages. The opening chapter wasn't great then, but it was good enough that if she liked the premise and the setting she might have wanted to see more.

Or maybe she really did have a client list that was that full. I suspect that she was telling the truth. If not why write a personalized rejection? We'll never know of course, but this one did give me hope at the time. And of course I had another agent reading a partial so that helped too.

So that's it. Hopefully you can see some improvements even though this is still nowhere near good enough. I promise we'll get to better queries soon but I have to do at least one of these bad ones per week until they've all been thrown kicking and screaming into the digital graveyard of the internet ... uh yeah, anyway.

I hope you are as excited as I am for Lisa and Laura's guest blog post tomorrow. They are going to be sharing the innovative query that landed them representation for LIAR SOCIETY so mark your calendars and be sure to come back!