Colene Murphy's Current Query Critiqued

Before we get started: ITALIA! AZZURRI!!! Balotelli! Yes, my Italians beat Germany yesterday, in a heart-stoppingly exciting match. It ended up 2-1, but Germany's only goal was on a bogus PK, and both Italia's goals were scored by our young, up and coming star, Mario Balotelli (who is of African descent). He had pretty much been a non-factor up until yesterday's game, so it was extremely satisfying to watch him prove his worth.

Now let's get to work. I'm going on vacation next week. I'll be working on Monday, so I may post then, but after that the blog will probably be offline for at least a week. My sister is getting married in the Berkshires, and I'll be flying my family up to Boston, and meeting the likes of Sarah Fine, Anna Stanizewski, Kristen Wixted, Heather Kelly, and Chelsey Blair.

So that's it for news, really. Let's get to Colene's query. My thoughts will be in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Damaris may have the power to steal human souls, but she isn't happy about it. I'm a bit confused. On the one hand, I kind of like this, assuming it's tongue in cheek, but on the other hand, I'm not sure it's obvious enough. I mean what sixteen-year-old would be happy about the ability to steal human souls? A direct descendant of Death, Damaris doesn't share her parents' beliefs that her kind, Ankou, are inherently evil. This is better. A bit of character, a bit of world-building, and a touch of conflict. Or that the only way they can gain access to Heaven is by killing humans and stealing their souls. Killing and stealing souls? I can see why she wouldn't be happy about that. Worse, she's been shipped off to boarding school because of her rebellion, leaving her younger sister, Genie, alone under her parents' murderous influence. Interesting. I went to boarding school, so I'm all about stories that include it, and I think you've set up some decent stakes here, and I'm interested to see where it goes.

But over summer break, Damaris has a chance to show Genie another way of life, put an end to all the senseless deaths, and, hopefully, start a chain reaction to change the rest of her kind. I like the concept of her rebelling, but I would like to see some specifics. How is she going to show Genie another way of life? How can she put an end to the deaths and what kind of chain reaction will it start? I get it that you don't want to give everything away in a query, but when you think about it, this last sentence doesn't tell us that much. Her parents have other ideas, however. If Damaris doesn’t make a kill, they’ll disown her. Of course, that’s if somebody doesn’t get to Damaris and her family first. I don't think you need to name her again. She's a member of her family, and you've named her three times in this paragraph.

Someone is stalking Damaris, stalking, or trying to kill? car and mail bombs popping up at every turn. If she isn't able to find out his or her identity soon, more than Genie's future will be lost, and escaping back to boarding school will no longer be an option. I like this. Conflict, stakes, and mystery. Well done. With everything falling in in? Or apart? Or down? Maybe collapsing? around her, Damaris must decide: go against everything she believes about the value of life and use her powers to save her sister, or admit defeat and let her deadly heritage carry on. Seems the life of a daughter of Death has just gotten way too complicated. Excellent choice. Well done summing up.

CALLING DEATH is a 64,000 word YA paranormal with series potential. (more agenty-personalized stuff if I can place any.)

So. In summary, as I said yesterday, I think this query is already quite good. The ending in particular carries some zing. What needs the most work, I think, is the opening hook. It's tough, I know, but we need to get a better sense of Damaris' character, and it would be nice to get a slightly better sense of the world. Do they live on earth? In hell? Somewhere else? I like how the kids seem to get to live a mostly normal life while they're young, and I think that's a cool premise, but I'd like to see some more specifics about how it all works.

Your middle paragraph is better. It raises the stakes, and introduces what looks like some great conflict, but again, it's a little vague. I basically said it all in my in text notes, but the point is, don't just tell us: this important thing happens, and then this important thing follows, show us what they are (without going into so much detail you need another hundred words).

Your final paragraph is pretty good, I think, I except for the points I mentioned. 

So that's it.

What do you all think? Wish you were going on vacation? I bet.

Colene Murphy's Current Query

Do you all know Colene? She's awesome, and she blogs at The Journey. Go on and follow her, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Now here's her query:

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Damaris may have the power to steal human souls, but she isn't happy about it. A direct descendant of Death, Damaris doesn't share her parents' beliefs that her kind, Ankou, are inherently evil. Or that the only way they can gain access to Heaven is by killing humans and stealing their souls. Worse, she's been shipped off to boarding school because of her rebellion, leaving her younger sister, Genie, alone under her parents' murderous influence.

But over summer break, Damaris has a chance to show Genie another way of life, put an end to all the senseless deaths, and, hopefully, start a chain reaction to change the rest of her kind. Her parents have other ideas, however. If Damaris doesn’t make a kill, they’ll disown her. Of course, that’s if somebody doesn’t get to Damaris and her family first.

Someone is stalking Damaris, car and mail bombs popping up at every turn. If she isn't able to find out his or her identity soon, more than Genie's future will be lost, and escaping back to boarding school will no longer be an option. With everything falling in around her, Damaris must decide: go against everything she believes about the value of life and use her powers to save her sister, or admit defeat and let her deadly heritage carry on. Seems the life of a daughter of Death has just gotten way too complicated.

CALLING DEATH is a 64,000 word YA paranormal with series potential. (more agenty-personalized stuff if I can place any.)

That's it.

Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Cole for sharing in the comments!

Jericha Senyak's Current Query Critiqued

All righty then. We're back with Jericha's query letter, this time with my thoughts, in red. Let's get right to it.

The query:

Dear [Agent Name],

Somewhere in the heart of in a nameless city falling slowly into the sea, George Kepler, a shy bookbinder, is sitting sits in his attic with his books. I really like this. I mean sure, it's unconventional for a query, it's immediately even more present than the normal present tense query, but it's also beautiful writing, poetic, and oh so unique. He lives alone. He reads the books he binds. He doesn't have adventures. He dreams of geometry and harmonies and devils in the chimney. Did you leave commas out of this sentence on purpose? For rhythm? It's fine if you did, just make sure it's on purpose. He drinks coffee. He sighs a lot. He wonders if there is anyone left who remembers to praise the works of God but him. He wonders if maybe love's a better option (at least it's companionable). A better option than what? His ruminations? And love of whom? He chronicles the marvelous workings of the cosmos meticulously each evening, and wonders why divinity seems so very far away. I love that a character named Kepler ponders the cosmos. Feels like a lovely tribute to Johannes.

So, you're opening hook and paragraph are pretty moving. They break pretty much all the query rules, but the writing is so gorgeous, I think it works. You really set the setting up beautifully, and we know a lot about George's character from the things he surrounds himself with, but I think we need more about who he is. For one thing, I was picturing a somewhat elderly man, until the first sentence of the next paragraph. So maybe you could call him a young bookbinder, or, you know, somehow otherwise hint at his age. Then, it might be nice to have one or two words to describe his personality. We can infer a lot about his character from his profession, and the things he does with his time, but just a little more about the kind of man he is before his story begins would help.

But just when he finds himself distracted by the black eyes of his local barista, Lilya, a peach of a girl with sharp elbows and an obligatory dose of snide, two strangers come a-knocking who know a lot more about him than they should. Love this. Potential romance and mystery/conflict? Yes, please. Before he knows it, they've whirled George out of his sleepy life of prayer and sent him on a series of harebrained and beautiful adventures. As he pursues an unseen Klezmer orchestra through a driving snowstorm, falls off cliffs, uncovers the unlikely friendship of a Danish alchemist and a famous mystic rabbi , stumbles across a secret synagogue, and discovers a forgotten manuscript that might just be about the Golem, he's left with hardly any time to ask himself - are his new friends fun-loving fools, or are they after something? I'm teetering on undecided about all this. I mean it's lots of fun, and full of quirk, but I wonder how well it will work at enticing agents. It's a long sentence, and mentions a lot of cool sounding things, but it doesn't really give a strong sense of what the central conflict is. You usually want to convey a sense of what difficulty your MC will have to overcome. This feels like a lot of little trials, but you need at least one big one too. Are they angels sent from God or a pair of tricksy demons? Is he having the time of his life or beginning to lose his mind? Does Lilya think he's nuts or a just lovable schlemiel? And did he leave the front door hanging open? Hah! The rest of this is hard to decide about too. It's generally a bad idea to ask questions in a query, but somehow, I think you make this work. The Yiddish, and the humor, and the dichotomy of George's situation really finish this up with so much entertaining voice.

I'll talk about this more when I summarize, but this paragraph continues the theme of the first, which is somewhat along the lines of style over substance. I don't mean that in a bad way, because the writing is so good I'm guessing you'll get requests based on it alone, but you do need to keep in mind that at this point, I still don't really know what happens in this story.

A Fool For God A FOOL FOR GOD is an old-fashioned mystical romp, a brooding Eastern European meditation on belief thrust into a San Franciscan carnival of merry drunken adjectives. It's one part G.K. Chesterton and one part Bernard Malamud, the lovechild of a fantastical Christian allegory and an old Jewish folktale birthed on a festive night in the back alleys of a city that just might be your own. Hmm. It's done so well I almost want to say keep this, but it's generally a bad idea to tell an agent what your story is. Show them, through your query, and through your pages, and then let them decide for themselves. Complete at 70,000 words, it's a work of literary fiction for the wonderers and wanderers in us all.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Jericha Senyak

This rest of this is good. So let's summarize. Your writing is so gorgeous, I think that if you left this query as is, you would probably get requests based on your writing alone, especially from agents who accept the first five pages along with the letter. In other words, this query is already very good, and I don't think you'd have to change anything for it to work.

But you came to me asking for help, and I do think there is room for improvement. Try to see if you can focus. Think about the three Cs that are the fundamental basis of most query letters: Character, Conflict, Choice. We have a decent sense of George's character, but we could use a little more up front. The first C needs the least work. You have lots of little (clever, funny, and brilliant) bits of minor conflict, and we can guess at something bigger, but you should avoid being vague in a query if at all possible. Is there something bigger behind this journey? Who are these strangers? It's okay to get very specific in a query. You don't want to keep things a mystery (except - don't give away the end). Finally, we don't have a sense of a difficult Choice George will have to make in order to overcome whatever the main conflict is. Sure, he asks himself some great questions, and there are some choices included there, but most queries include one tough, over-arching decision that summarizes how hard it's going to be for the MC to achieve his goals.

So the point of all this is - you're an amazing writer. Your way with words alone will probably sell this MS to a lot of agents, but if you want to improve this query, to really tighten it, you need to think about how to get even more specific about your story. You do have a lot of clear, specific details, and that's good, but they don't really connect to the main storyline - if that makes any sense.

That's it.

What do you all think? Ever seen a query with so much beautiful writing, and such a unique voice? Do you agree that it needs to be tightened, or do you think I'm off the mark?

Please share your feedback in the comments.

Jericha Senyak's Current Query

Morning, QQQEers. Man, I'm tired. Rolling out of bed at 5 AM seems to do that to me. Anyway, today I have Jericha Senyak's query on the blog. You may not know her. I only met her a few weeks ago, but she has a really creative blog at The Museum of Joy. Go on, go follow her blog. I'll wait.

Back? Great.

Here's her query:

Dear [Agent Name],

Somewhere in the heart of in a nameless city falling slowly into the sea, George Kepler, a shy bookbinder, is sitting in his attic with his books. He lives alone. He reads the books he binds. He doesn't have adventures. He dreams of geometry and harmonies and devils in the chimney. He drinks coffee. He sighs a lot. He wonders if there is anyone left who remembers to praise the works of God but him. He wonders if maybe love's a better option (at least it's companionable). He chronicles the marvelous workings of the cosmos meticulously each evening, and wonders why divinity seems so very far away.

But just when he finds himself distracted by the black eyes of his local barista, Lilya, a peach of a girl with sharp elbows and an obligatory dose of snide, two strangers come a-knocking who know a lot more about him than they should. Before he knows it, they've whirled George out of his sleepy life of prayer and sent him on a series of harebrained and beautiful adventures. As he pursues an unseen Klezmer orchestra through a driving snowstorm, falls off cliffs, uncovers the unlikely friendship of a Danish alchemist and a famous mystic rabbi , stumbles across a secret synagogue, and discovers a forgotten manuscript that might just be about the Golem, he's left with hardly any time to ask himself - are his new friends fun-loving fools, or are they after something? Are they angels sent from God or a pair of tricksy demons? Is he having the time of his life or beginning to lose his mind? Does Lilya think he's nuts or a just lovable schlemiel? And did he leave the front door hanging open?

A Fool For God is an old-fashioned mystical romp, a brooding Eastern European meditation on belief thrust into a San Franciscan carnival of merry drunken adjectives. It's one part G.K. Chesterton and one part Bernard Malamud, the lovechild of a fantastical Christian allegory and an old Jewish folktale birthed on a festive night in the back alleys of a city that just might be your own. Complete at 70,000 words, it's a work of literary fiction for the wonderers and wanderers in us all.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Jericha Senyak

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Jericha for sharing her query in the comments.

Pirlo and the Azzurri

They really haven't done anything that impressive yet, and they're going to face a real challenge against the German side on Thursday, but I would still like to congratulate my Azzuri, and especially Andrea Pirlo, on a hard fought victory yesterday.

They dominated the English for two full hours, and things were not looking good when the second penalty shot went wide, but it all worked out in the end.

Now, happy writing, everyone!