Neil Thomas' Current Query Critiqued

Damn. Got into the office 30 minutes late this morning, and the phone has not stopped ringing. This will have to go up late.

Anyway. Let's get to work. This time we have Neil's query, along with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

An oath designed to protect the weak and powerless may have instead doomed them all for eternity.

This is vague. I'm guessing you'll explain it in a moment, but if so, then why include it? Epic fantasy can often break a lot of rules, even when it comes to queries, but if you're gonna break rules (in this case, the rule would be open with Character, and a sympathetic one(s) at that) make sure you do it on purpose, and that it works.

Rhymar, a reluctant prince on a quest to prove his mettle and worthiness for the throne, This would make a much better opening line. This is actually a great intro. I like this guy already. Reluctant is actually one of my favorite characterization words (I've used it myself in a query, because it says so much in one word). struggling to fill the boots of his lost (missing?) and far more adept older brother, discovers the evidence Of the Oath being doom? This is where you get into trouble. You need to build your world quickly in a query, and while the opening line does make this phrase here make some better sense, we still can't understand exactly what any of this means. deep in an ancient city in the mountains. A mage of unequaled power is not bound by the Hart’s Oath—a spell all mages must bind to their gift before they are trained in the arcane. Okay. Now it makes sense. But ... consider rewriting this whole opening so that things lead logically to each other. I'll try to share an example after this paragraph. The Oath prevents them from using their magecraft to harm any other. But this nameless, unbound mage lives in secret beyond the mountains to the east, gathering his forces, and consolidating his power. He plans to sweep over the lands unopposed and rule all of Ureth for himself. And because of the Oath there is no one who can oppose him. Well, no mages anyway.

Okay. Let's talk about standard query format for a bit. Usually, in a query, or at least in the important part (the plot summary), you want to briefly summarize a manuscript so that it entices an agent to read pages. That's really all you have to do. Normally, that's handled in under 250 words, in such a way that you introduce a sympathetic Character, who experiences an inciting incident that leads to a clearly defined Conflict, which then escalates into a situation in which the character must make a sadistic Choice.

So that's Character, Conflict, and Choice. All in 250 words. This can be really hard. Especially when your manuscript is set in a secondary world that has rules that must also be explained. So let me try to show you an example opening that might hopefully include all of this:

"Rhymar, a reluctant prince on a quest to prove his worthiness for the throne, struggling to fill the boots of his far more adept elder brother, discovers evidence of a broken oath deep in an ancient city in the mountains. Hart's Oath--a spell all mages must bind to their gift before they are trained in the arcane--has been (circumvented, broken, bypassed, sundered--I'm struggling to think of a better voice appropriate word here) by a nameless unbound mage who is gathering his forces beyond the mountains ..."

See how, while still totally imperfect, and a bit wordy, this gets all the important details across to the reader without the unnessecary additions, and while also starting out with a bang by using your biggest assest: Character?

Except, perhaps Delaney—this a strange girl from another world that has no power, Is it the other world that has no power, or the girl? If it's the girl, "that" needs to be "who." but whom the unbound mage desperately wants dead. I'm thinking maybe this is a detail that can be skipped in the query.

After his entire honor guard is slaughtered by vile creatures not seen on Ureth for centuries, Rhymar and his few remaining companions must now protect this rude and unruly girl and escape the ancient city and the mountains. But do they head west to get word to the twelve kingdoms of the threat they face? Or discern the mage’s weakness, and travel instead east to the forbidden lands and deal with him directly before he launches his assault? This is actually a really great ending. A nice, clear-cut choice.

But any plan they have may be thwarted by Rhymar’s own secret—unpredictable, debilitating headaches that render him incapacitated. You don't need this. It totally deflates the high note you just ended on.

Okay, I'm going to summarize here, because the rest is just nit-picky details.

Basically, this query is actually pretty damn good. You've got some awesome details here that will probably entice agents who represent adult fantasy to ask for pages. Even if you didn't change anything, I could see you getting some requests.

But you want to put your best foot forward, right? That's why you're here.

So, the main thing I think you need to do is fix the opening so it really hooks the reader. You want to punch them in the chest, you know? 

So start with your character, prove your world is unique, and get right to the conflict. You don't need a bunch of minute detail to get this across. Remember, you want the agent to skip ahead to your pages as soon as the query looks like something they might like.

So all that said, I think you've got everything you need already here. Cut a few extraneous phrases and details, word your opening so that is progresses logically still, but much quicker, and then decide exactly what you want to do about Delaney and the middle. I expect it all works perfectly in the story, but in the query it's a bit out of left field, and it breaks up your pacing and tension. I'm not sure you can cut her all together, but maybe trim how much you say about her so that she doesn't take over the whole thing so much.

A STORM FROM THE EAST is a 140,000 word epic fantasy novel in the tradition of Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth series and R.A. Salvatore. I would think hard about what you want to make comparisons to. Goodkind and Salvatore are both great, very successful writers, but I wouldn't say they fall in the exact same sub-genre of fantasy. Goodkind's works tend to be more traditional epic/high fantasy, while Salvatore is known more for his tie-in fiction, which spins tales in existing franchises. I'm a big fan of both writers, but make sure any comparisons you make in a query make it clear you know your market. It is a return of the classic quest story with a fully developed, unique world and a rich cast of strong characters. But the story employs unconventional elements as well, and presents a different approach to the use of alternate, parallel worlds. These two sentences are okay. But you don't need them. If your query and your pages don't show this, it's not going to help to tell it in the query. The novel would appeal to young adult and adult readers of speculative fiction. Cut it. It might appeal to YA and adult readers, but it certainly won't be marketed to both. Crossover appeal is great, but bring that up once you have an agent on the phone.

This is my first novel and my first attempt at publication. Don't ever include this in a query. It's not necessary. If you have no publication background, that's fine. But leave it out. Agents sign first time authors all the time, but mentioning it in the query just makes you look inexperienced.

Sincerely,
Neil Thomas

That's it!

This one was a lot of work, but I like that. I think we all together learn the most from the hard ones. And that doesn't mean this query is bad either, I actually think it means the opposite.

What do you all think? Can you suggest an even more succinct opening hook? Can anyone who reads fantasy confirm or deny my concerns about comparing Goodkind to Salvatore?

Otherwise, have a great weekend!

Neil Thomas' Current Query

Neil was referred to me by Kimberly Gabriel (who is awesome). I'm not sure if he has a blog, so I'll just link to you Kim's (Neil if you have any links you want me to add to this post, let me know, and I can edit it).

Here is his letter:

Dear Agent,

An oath designed to protect the weak and powerless may have instead doomed them all for eternity.

Rhymar, a reluctant prince on a quest to prove his mettle and worthiness for the throne, struggling to fill the boots of his lost and far more adept older brother, discovers the evidence deep in an ancient city in the mountains. A mage of unequaled power is not bound by the Hart’s Oath—a spell all mages must bind to their gift before they are trained in the arcane. The Oath prevents them from using their magecraft to harm any other. But this nameless, unbound mage lives in secret beyond the mountains to the east, gathering his forces, and consolidating his power. He plans to sweep over the lands unopposed and rule all of Ureth for himself. And because of the Oath there is no one who can oppose him.

Except, perhaps Delaney—this strange girl from another world that has no power, but whom the unbound mage desperately wants dead.

After his entire honor guard is slaughtered by vile creatures not seen on Ureth for centuries, Rhymar and his few remaining companions must now protect this rude and unruly girl and escape the ancient city and the mountains. But do they head west to get word to the twelve kingdoms of the threat they face? Or discern the mage’s weakness, and travel instead east to the forbidden lands and deal with him directly before he launches his assault?

But any plan they have may be thwarted by Rhymar’s own secret—unpredictable, debilitating headaches that render him incapacitated.

A STORM FROM THE EAST is a 140,000 word epic fantasy novel in the tradition of Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth series and R.A. Salvatore. It is a return of the classic quest story with a fully developed, unique world and a rich cast of strong characters. But the story employs unconventional elements as well, and presents a different approach to the use of alternate, parallel worlds. The novel would appeal to young adult and adult readers of speculative fiction.

This is my first novel and my first attempt at publication.

Sincerely,
Neil Thomas

That's it!

Please thank Neil for his courage in sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

First Look at Exile, by Shannon Messenger

I know, I haven't been blogging. I'm still not really blogging. Well, not here, anyway. I'm once again over at Project Mayhem, and today I'm giving you a first glance at Exile (AKA Keeper 2), by Shannon Messenger.

Angela Brown's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. Sorry I'm late. I was up watching the finals last night. Poor Manu.

Anyway, today we have Angela's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear Super Agent:

Twelve-year-old Caesimilia "Case" Mollands would pick high top sneakers over sparkly heeled slippers any day of the week. Love it. Love it. Love it. I wish I could see more queries that open with this much character. It's a little subtle, sure, but I know exactly what kind of kid Case is before her story starts, and she's exactly the kind of kid I could love to sympathize with. Well done. Yet she loves the tales of happily ever afters in her father’s prized book of Fabricaasia. When a startling show of bells and rose petals What does this mean? A show? How does that manifest, exactly? transports Case from everything she knows, she soon discovers Fabricaasia has chosen her as its newest protector, the Fable Ranger, and link between the real world and the world where fables, legends and lore come to life: the land of Fabricaasia. I think you can cut this. It's understood, and it's the third time you've repeated this very specific name (specificity is good, but redundancy is not).

All in all, this isn't a bad opening. Some agents, and people who know the market better might tell you a portal fantasy is a tough sell, but I think there's probably always room. I think it fits MG better than YA.

A negative energy from fairy tales gone off-script I love this concept ... quickly forces the Red Rose Bounds, the veil between realms, to shut down. No in. No out. ... but I'm not sure it makes sense in your query. She just got here, and suddenly the portal shuts down? If that's what you mean, fine, but make it clear. If that's not what you mean, clarify. Being forever stuck in a world of heroes that reject her as Fable Ranger has zero appeal to Case. Why do they reject her? Why does she hate it there? I thought she loved fairy tales? Her only way home is to set the off-script tales right again without falling into the hands of Dovetail, a wicked being rumored You can probably just say which it is. Not much point to keeping secrets in a query (usually). to be from the real world and the source of Fabricaasia's bad mojo.

The book of Fabricaasia has the answers. But it's back in the real world, right? Case is the key. No one can decipher the mysterious runes that appear as footnotes for the straying stories, except her. I guess she must have brought it with her. With the help of Robin Hood and a new friend, Charlie-boy, she embarks on an adventure to save an Arabian Nights legend on the cusp of corruption and a sleepy fairy tale doomed to a never ever after. Only then can Case return home...maybe. After all, a Fable Ranger's work is never done. I'm not sure you need these last two lines. Besides, if you can, you want to try to illustrate some kind of tough choice that Case has to make. Stay and save the world, leave and save herself, or you know, something like that.

FABLE RANGER is a 29,200 30,000 (at this length you're going to want to round up) word middle grade fairy tale mash up novel with series potential.

I look forward to hearing back from you and appreciate you taking the time to consider my novel.

Otherwise, good.

Okay, so in summary: this query is a bit different than most I see. Usually they start out weak, and build to strength. This query starts out strong, and the fizzles a bit by the end (and least from this one reader's subjective viewpoint).

The biggest problem for me is logistics. It can be tough to make it clear how a magical world works in something as short as a query, I'm well aware, but some of that detail comes across as muddled here. How does the portal work? Does it close after she crosses or not? 

Other than that, you've got some great elements. I love the idea (and name) of Dovetail, and I love the off-script concept, so if you can focus the logic a little better, and work on incorporating a sadistic choice into the ending, I think you'd be off to a great start.

That's it.

What do you all think?

Angela Brown's Current Query

Have I ever done one of these for you before, Angela? I can't remember. I'm going to link to your blog anyway, just in case. Angela can be found at her blog, and on Facebook. Make sure to drop by those spots and connect with her. She's awesome.

Anyway, here's her letter:

Dear Super Agent:

Twelve-year-old Caesimilia "Case" Mollands would pick high top sneakers over sparkly heeled slippers any day of the week. Yet she loves the tales of happily ever afters in her father’s prized book of Fabricaasia. When a startling show of bells and rose petals transports Case from everything she knows, she soon discovers Fabricaasia has chosen her as its newest protector, the Fable Ranger, and link between the real world and the world where fables, legends and lore come to life: the land of Fabricaasia.

A negative energy from fairy tales gone off-script quickly forces the Red Rose Bounds, the veil between realms, to shut down. No in. No out. Forever stuck in a world of heroes that reject her as Fable Ranger has zero appeal to Case. Her only way home is to set the off-script tales right without falling into the hands of Dovetail, a wicked being rumored to be from the real world and the source of Fabricaasia's bad mojo.

The book of Fabricaasia has the answers. Case is the key. No one can decipher the mysterious runes that appear as footnotes for the straying stories, except her. With the help of Robin Hood and a new friend, Charlie-boy, she embarks on an adventure to save an Arabian Nights legend on the cusp of corruption and a sleepy fairy tale doomed to a never ever after. Only then can Case return home...maybe. After all, a Fable Ranger's work is never done.

FABLE RANGER is a 29,200 word middle grade fairy tale mash up novel with series potential.

I look forward to hearing back from you and appreciate you taking the time to consider my novel.

That's it.

Please thank Angela for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

Happy Blumesday!

Some of you have maybe heard of Bloom's Day, which celebrates James Joyce. Well, I've ready Ulysses, twice, and I still don't get it. Another author, who I do get, and love, is Judy Blume. So, some writers decided she needed a day too. I couldn't agree more.

Happy Blumesday!

F My Life at Shaun Hutchinson's

Shaun Hutchinson is a good friend of mine. He's also one of the most important mentors in my writing career. He has a second book ... I think it's out now. Let me check ...

Nope. It will be out June 25th. It's called FML. Anyway, I really enjoyed the story, and I reviewed it, here, but more importantly, I've been asked by Shaun to share a story about an FML moment in my own life, on his blog, in celebration of his release month.

I'm in the company of some amazing authors and publishing professionals over there, who've been sharing their own FML stories, so it's a little intimidating, but it's also an honor.

Moreover, my FML story is actually about a time in my life that inspired my most recent manuscript, Running from Ruby Ridge, which you all saw the query for on Monday.

So ... go visit Shaun's blog, and check out my post. He's also giving away a ton of cool stuff, which you can find out more about, here.

Running from Ruby Ridge: Query

I promised I would show you guys this today. I'm a little apprehensive, because with all the time I spend on queries here, you're probably going to expect something phenomenal, but the thing is: queries are hard. I mean sure, I've spent a lot of time on them over the years, and I'd like to think I've gotten pretty good at recognizing good queries, and critiquing those that need a little work.

But writing my own is still hard.

I don't know if it's a matter of being too close to the story, having written it, or whether maybe it's the trap of trying to include too much (or getting stuck trying to be too concise), but writing queries for your own manuscripts is damn hard. That's why I always recruit friends to help me with mine.

The biggest influence on this query is my dear friend and critique partner Susan Kaye Quinn. I'm sure you all know her, so I'll just hyperlink her name, but Susan was one of the few who read the manuscript and helped me with the query. It was she who not only convinced me the longer version I'd written was not necessary, but also gave me the blueprint for the shorter version I'll show you today, that still includes the important points from the longer one I wrote.

After Susan, I got a lot of help from Jessica Corra, Angela Ackerman, Simon Larter, Adam Heine, Bryan Russell, and a bunch of the awesome people over at YA Confidential, like Alexandra, Katy, and Copil.

I highly recommend not going it alone, especially when it comes to queries.

Anyway, it's still a work in progress, but here is the latest version:

Dear Agent:

Seventeen-year-old Micah Neiss is not a nice guy. His probation officer considers him a dope fiend (not entirely false), a burden on the system (debatable), and a complete waste of his time (totally unfair). The truth is the foster system is just as broken as Micah. He’s been running from home to home ever since he can remember, but when bounty hunters for at-risk-teens finally catch him, and drag him off to a wilderness-survival/behavioral-modification center, he wonders if his abusive new “school” might finally break him for good.

Micah refuses to bow to the school authorities, and together with a bullied younger student, Chris, he escapes the mountaintop prison. But their situation goes from desperate to dangerous when an anti-government member of the Aryan nation and his bumbling nephew pick them up. While the men zip along a high-wire of drug-addled paranoia and loaded weapons, what began as a ride soon spirals into a kidnapping. Micah must decide if he should do what he's always done: run and save himself, or prove his probation officer wrong and save Chris, who is too naïve (and high) to appreciate the danger.

RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE, a 75,000 word YA contemporary novel with elements of magical realism, will appeal to fans of the psychologically gritty In the Path of Falling Objects by Andrew Smith and readers who enjoyed the magical, honest look at loss in Please Ignore Vera Dietz by A.S. King. My short fiction has been published under the pen name Matthew MacNish, in the anthology Literary Foray, from Static Movement Press, and in the online magazine, Vine Leaves Literary Journal. I blog about query letters, and the path to publication, at The QQQE, a Writer’s Digest Top 101 Websites for Writers pick, and contribute to the popular blogs Project Middle Grade Mayhem, and YA Confidential.

That's it. You're welcome to tell me what you think. I've got thick skin. Otherwise, I hope you all have a great, productive day!

Something ...

Hi readers. It's been a while, I know. I'm sorry (no I'm not, I've been writing).

I'm just putting something up so my blog looks like it still exists. I think next week I'll put my new query up, and ask you all what you think.

For now, here's a song:



Have a great weekend!