Ray Kolb's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday, readers. Today we have Ray's query again, this time with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

A PRAYER BEFORE DYING is the story of an ex-priest investigating the murder of the Archbishop who kicked him out of the Church.

I'm not sure you need this little summary. I mean I get it, it does sum up what is obviously an interesting, unique premise pretty well, but you're going to show us all of this in the rest of the query, right? There's not much point in telling us, and then showing us as well, is there?

Former Catholic Priest Simon Voss has a gambling problem that has gotten him into trouble most of his life. I like this. It's a great introduction to an interesting, flawed character, and it tells a lot about what kind of person he is. If you remove that opening paragraph, you can just add a few words to the beginning of this one. After two years, Simon is coming out of a self-imposed exile when the Archbishop who defrocked him is murdered, the body staged like David’s The Death of Marat. The proper title of a painting like this should be italicized just like the title of a published book. Because of their rocky past, Simon is the number one suspect but the brutality and theatricality of the killing suggest someone else. Suggest to who? One thing that I think would help would be to ground your story in a setting. What diocese is this occurring in? Besides Simon, who is investigating? The FBI? The City Police?

I'm nit picking this query, because you've asked for a critique, but I have to say, I think it's already pretty good. You give us an interesting character right up front, and then you toss him into an inciting incident that is full of conflict and potential for high-stakes tension.

Because of his previous experience as an investigator with the military police, Simon is hired by the Church to find the Archbishop’s killer. So he's suspected by the authorities outside the church, but is trusted by the church to investigate anyway? I think that makes for a very cool contradiction, but you could work on clarifying it, because it could be clearer. Simon uncovers several suspects with reason to kill the Archbishop, but it becomes clear someone within the Church is the murderer. As more priests are murdered and their bodies staged like other death paintings, Simon uncovers the Archbishop’s secrets--a lover and a son, and a years-long mission to catch a killer among priests. Um, I can't think of any way to improve on these last two sentences. This is getting very good.

Finding the killer isn’t Simon’s only problem. I want this sentence to have one word that links it to the previous one. Just a "however," or an "although," or something like that. After several violent clashes with a loan shark’s thugs over past-due gambling debts, the loan shark wants Simon dead. I'm not sure exactly what you mean here. The thugs attacked Simon, but he survived and fought back? If not, and they just roughed him up, I'm not sure how that escalates to the shark wanting him dead. Loan shark's usually prefer breaking limbs so debtors can still pay up. And with the police claiming to have evidence linking Simon to the Archbishop’s murder, Simon knows he’s being set up. Ooh, nice twist. I like this.

While avoiding the police and the loan shark’s thugs, Simon must catch the Archbishop's murderer or become the subject of his own death painting. This is a great summary of the overall conflict, but it would be even better if you could add one more sentence about a tough decision Simon has to make. I mean sure, it's already implied, but it would be great if you could make it explicit.

A PRAYER BEFORE DYING is a mystery complete at 95,000 words and the first novel in a projected series. I have had several short stories published, most recently [list of latest publications].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Ray

Okay. In summary, this query is already very good. I wouldn't change a whole lot. As I said above, I'm nit-picking it, because there is almost always room for improvement, and because you asked for help.

You really don't need to make any major changes. You've got a good sense of character conveyed, you've clearly got a great conflict going on, and even some excellent subplots explained without getting too wordy or going on too long.

The one thing I think you need to focus on is clarifying a couple of points. The two big ones for me are making the contradiction between Simon as a suspect to the authorities and Simon as being trusted by the church clearer, and getting more specific about exactly what goes down with the loan shark's thugs. Finally, it might help to know where this is happening, but it's probably not required.

That's it.

What do you all think? Doesn't this sound like a great read? Is there anything I missed that could help improve this query?