Jeff O'Handley's Current Query Critiqued

Before we get started, let me point you to a guest post I wrote for Misha Gericke. Her two blogs, Taking Charge of My Life, and My First Book, are both worth visiting and following, even when I'm not making an appearance. It's an appropriate post for today too, somewhat, because she asked me to write about queries. Back now? Great, let's get to work on Jeff's query. My feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear Agent,

For high school senior Chris Burke(,) life has never been better. He's college bound, more popular than ever, and finally ready to tell best friend Madison Cooper how he really feels. This opening is good, in the sense that it's full of setting, provides some backstory, and sets up some potential for both romance and conflict (if Madison doesn't feel the same), but if you examine it closely, you'll see that it's all about what happens to Chris (and what he might do about it) but doesn't tell us anything about who Chris is. We need a strong sense of character, right up front, so that we know who Chris is, and why we should care about what happens to him. But when long-time nemesis James LaValle is it key to name this character? Glancing through the rest of the query, I'm not sure. takes his feud with Chris too far and kills Madison's dog, Chris kills or murders? This is kind of critical, because we need to know what the circumstance is. Self-defense is one thing. Accidental manslaughter, another. And pre-meditated (if justified) murder, a third. James and loses everything but his life. Other than the things I've mentioned, this whole opening paragraph is pretty good. I mean it certainly ends with a shock, and makes it clear how high the stakes of your conflict are.

Thirty years later, Chris has paid his debt to society and is a free man. Whoa. Okay. I'm not sure about this. Your opening paragraph usually introduces the character as they are when the stories occurs, and then the inciting incident that begins the conflict in your story. In this tale, the character is Chris as a middle-aged man, and the inciting incident is him being released from prison. I'm not saying this unique set-up won't work, it could, but you're definitely breaking the rules of standard query writing here. Now a counselor for troubled teens, is this the kind of job convicted felons are usually allowed to have? he leads a quiet, anonymous life, shared with his parents and a few close friends, and that's good enough for him. Until Madison calls. I like this. A new angle, a new option for tension and conflict. My only problem: this is kind of where your story begins. You've spent almost two full paragraphs telling about everything that happens before your story even started.

Madison needs Chris to help her come to grips with her lingering guilt over her role in James' death and the testimony that helped put Chris in prison. Her unexpected return brings old memories to the surface and, with them, feelings Chris buried long ago. Seeing her, he realizes not all prisons come with barred doors and wire-topped walls: the past can hold you as securely as any penitentiary. And it doesn't grant parole. The rest of this final paragraph is pretty good. A little vague, a little cliche-ish, but it also has some good voice, and hints at Chris having to make some tough decisions.

Complete at 93,000 words, PARALLEL LIVES is a work of literary/commercial fiction. Its past/present narrative traces Chris' changing relationship with Madison, his inevitable collision with James, and his struggle to reintegrate into a society unwilling to forget. Whoa. All right, I guess the rest of your query makes more sense now. I'll talk about this in my summary. A story of friendship, forgiveness, and taking ownership of the past, it might appeal to readers who enjoyed HOTEL ON THE CORNER OF BITTER AND SWEET and THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. This is good.

Okay, in summary: your query has some strong points. It's written cleanly, with strong, direct language, and it's clear that there is a powerful story here, with plenty of potential for conflict, tension, and difficult, painful decisions.

Now, things are going to get subjective. I'm not exactly sure how you should rework this. For me, overall, the query isn't working. I think the reason is that reading the meat of the query, the part that describes the story, before we get to the housekeeping details, I get one impression of what the story is about, that it covers one part of Chris' life, but then at the end, in the housekeeping, I find out that's not the case at all. I'm concerned an agent would not like that kind of surprise.

But, that could easily be my subjective opinion. I wonder if maybe it would work better with the housekeeping info coming first? I know, I usually suggest against that, but if I knew about the "past/present narrative" up front, the meat of the story section of the query would probably work better for me. If that was the case, many of the things I tripped over or suggested changing might work much better.

The notes I place in the body of the query are what comes to my mind as I'm reading, so I'm thinking that maybe if you re-ordered everything, this would all make more sense?

Let's see what my readers think.

That's it.

Man. This one was tough. The details are solid, in the sense that even in spite of my confusion, I can still see a powerful story underneath. I just got lost in the chronology, and I'm concerned some agents might have the same problem. What do you all think? Did you have to go back and read anything again yesterday for it to make sense? Do you think the housekeeping details coming first would help?