Too Much on Our Desk

I think I'll throw another bad ass query up onto the wall of shame for you guys this morning. These are getting a little boring to put together. Not because I'm embarrassed, trust me I'm way beyond caring by now, but mostly because they are all so similar. I'll try to make this one as sarcastic funny as possible.

As you can see I finally decided to look up how to use strike-through text. It's fun but I'm sure it will stay interesting for a long time get old quickly.

Anyway here's another drab query:

June 2nd, 2009

Dear Sir or Madam,

Yes I actually wrote that. In the query no less. There is an excuse reason though. This agency had a very thin website with very little info about the submission guidelines and the actual agents who worked there. If I were querying now I probably would not contact them but I knew less than nothing back then. I think I was probably trying to be a smart ass about this lack of info, at least that's what I'm telling myself now.

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR-MONKS and is complete. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader as well. I also feel obligated to inform you that this is not an exclusive submission and although I do not yet have an offer of representation there are several other agents who have requested and are currently reading full or partial versions of the manuscript.

Yep I went there. Over and over and ... you get the picture. This is such a bad example of how to go about this that if it were my first time sharing it I would be hanging my head in shame. Instead I'm skipping through an alpine meadow filled with heather ... and wildflowers and other pretty stuff.

The book is about a young man named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle's home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. The story does not begin to incorporate any magical realism until about halfway through, when the students begin to discover some magic in the curriculum, which is based on east-Asian calligraphy and Buddhist/Hindu mysticism.

1) List MC.
2) TELL what happens.
3) TELL the exact theme of the novel in the most clinical manner possible.
4) Don't SHOW anything.
5) Remove foot from mouth keyboard from toilet.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

I wonder how many agents actually know who these authors are. I mean sure the comparison here is egomaniacal enough already but I think the fact that these authors are somewhat obscure only makes it worse much more hilarious for us to look at now.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Or even to pin my query to the wall in the break room at your agency so all can laugh together at my ignorant desperation.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Matthew M. Rush

Their reply:

Matthew,

Thanks for thinking of our agency but we have to pass at this time. Too much on our desk we must first attend to. Good Luck in your quest.

REDACTED
Literary Agency REDACTED
ADDRESS

I suspect that this rejection was written by the AI software that runs this agency. I'm only kidding, at least in the reply I learned a person's actual name. Too bad it was a gender ambiguous name and it was too late anyway. No matter, this query stunk like toe jam anyway.

I do like that he/she/it used the term quest though. That makes it sound much more noble than this query made it look.