tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53458900556582521242024-03-13T06:03:55.744-04:00The Quintessentially Questionable Query ExperimentA clumsy attempt at making some sense of the sinister submission process, a blog by Matthew MacNishMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger908125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-5126845998512268712020-12-14T18:41:00.001-05:002021-01-04T22:58:12.293-05:00Michael Guevara's Query - Critiqued<p class="MsoNormal">Here is Michael's query for THE CLOSEST THING TO A NORMAL LIFE, with my feedback, in <span style="color: red;">red</span>.<br /><br /><b>The letter:</b><br /><br />Ethan-Matthew Cruz Canton <span style="color: red;">Cruz Canton is not hyphenated. Is that because Cruz is his middle name? If so, I'm not sure that's necessary in the query unless it has signifgance</span>. has lived a charmed life
straddling two countries (Spain and Texas—because Texas thinks of itself as way
more than a state), <span style="color: red;">Haha great line. </span>two cultures (Mexican-American and good ol’ <span style="color: red;"><strike>White privileged
boy </strike>privileged white boy</span>), <span style="color: red;">If he's spending so much time in Spain, why it is Mexican-American and not Spanish-American?</span> and life with two of the coolest foreign correspondent parents known to
parentdom, <span style="color: red;">I like this. Kidlit has so few books with cool, present parents.</span> but when everything<span style="color: red;"><strike>—and we’re talking absolutely everything— </strike>Cut this. There's no need to be redudent, even for emphasis, in a query. </span>changes
in his life, he finds himself living in his dad’s childhood bedroom in the community
his father so desperately wanted to leave behind. <span style="color: red;">This is a little confusing. And vague. Vagueness is the worst enemy of a good query. Remember, you're not writing prose here, you're trying to get an agent to want to read your pages. Don't hold anything back. </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At least that’s what Ethan-Matthew thinks. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After both his parents are killed in a terrorist attack, <span style="color: red;">Ouch.</span> <span style="color: red;">But also, vague. Where? What kind of attack? Was he there and survived, or he was elsewhere? </span>Ethan-Matthew is thrown <span style="color: red;">By whom?</span> into a life he never wanted in a bubble-community so
rooted in tradition he can’t possibly hope to fit in, which is fine with him because
he wants nothing more than to keep his head down and make it to the end of
senior year and just move on to the next chapter of life. <span style="color: red;">This sounds like an excellent plot, but again, it's a bit vague for a query. If his parents died, someone decided to send him ... somewhere. If it's his next of kin who are his legal guardians then say that. If they send him to some stuff prep boarding school in Texas, then say that. </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But that’s not what he gets. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When the old guard at his new school keeps him from the only
normal he knows, writing as a student journalist, Ethan-Matthew starts an
alternative online student newspaper to tell the stories of students who rarely
get their stories told. <span style="color: red;">Okay, this is cool.</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Set against the roiling tensions of the 2016 election that
gave new bravado to bigotry and fomented racial divisions, Ethan-Matthew, along
with confronting issues of bi-culturalism, colorism, racial identity, and how
we know whom to love and whom to let go of, is forced to choose how much of a stand
to take when he knows exactly what a free press can cost. <span style="color: red;">This whole paragraph is pretty excellent. It sets up an great choice he will have to make about how to overcome this conflict.</span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">THE CLOSEST THING TO A NORMAL LIFE (83,700 words complete) <span style="color: red;">Just round up to 84,000</span> is a coming-of-age YA novel that will appeal to readers drawn to the work of
Jeff Zentner, <span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Adi
Alsaid, and Bill Konigsberg, </span><span style="background: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: red;">DANG! You have excellent taste.</span></span><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 107%; mso-themecolor: text1;"> whose novels have become the standard in my high
school English classroom where young adult novels are our curriculum. Also,
Andrew Smith thought you might be a good fit for my work. </span><span style="background: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="color: red;">This last line you can include for the agents that Andrew suggested to you, but you can obviously cut it when querying other agents.</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Thank you
for your time.<br /><br /><span style="color: red;">So, Michael, this is a pretty strong query, first of all. It makes pretty clear what the setting is going to be, what the conflict will be, and what difficult choice Ethen-Mathew will have to make as he decides what to do to achieve his goals. The ending, in particular, is pretty strong.<br /><br />When I help people with queries, I stress three things: CHARACTER, CONFLICT, and CHOICE, in that order. Nothing (in queries, but also in stories in general) is more important than CHARACTER. Readers need to have someone to identify with, and to feel sympathy for. There is quite literally nothing more important in creative writing than coming up with compelling characters. Ethan-Matthew has an interesting past, and I love that he's interested in journalism and the truth, but we don't really get a good feeling for who he IS, as a CHARACTER, if that makes sense. Is he nerdy? Is he popular? Is he athletic? You certainly don't need to include all those details in a query letter, but some sense of his personality would go a long way in hooking agents up front.<br /><br />As for CONFLICT, you have a much better sense of that here. Some of the details of the backstory are a little vague, but that's probably okay if you can clarify the actual plot a bit more. We need a little more detail about this bubble community, and what that means. It sounds to me like maybe after his parents died, he was sent to a prep school, maybe even a boarding school, where his bi-cultural background makes him stand out and not fit in, and if that's correct, just make that clear. If it's something else, slightly different, that's fine, but just make it clear. One of the most important things in queries is specificity. It's a very difficult thing to do, to distill an 84,000 manuscript into a 250 word query letter, but keep in mind that a query is not creative writing, I mean, it is, but it also isn't. There is no need to keep anything secret, or vague, just make it clear exactly what happens, and the tone of the story, and you'll be good to go.<br /><br />On CHOICE, I think you pretty much nail that here, so well done.<br /><br />One question: you name Benjamin Alire </span></span><span style="color: red;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><span style="color: red;">Sáenz and Bill Koningsberg in your comparative titles. Is this queer fiction? If so, I would recommend you make that explicit.<br /><br />Other than that, I think you're off to a great start here! Please let me know if you have any questions.</span><br /><br /><b>That's it!</b><br /><br />Please thank Michael for sharing with us, and let us know what you think in the comments.</span></p>Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-26538221926249786002020-07-05T20:50:00.002-04:002020-07-06T12:55:31.086-04:00On Hamilton<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">ON HAMILTON</b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">So, we finally finished the filmed release of the Broadway musical <i>Hamilton</i>, performed by the original cast, streaming on Disney Plus, last night. This is obviously one of the most popular works of art in recent years, and the filmed version has been released at a pivotal a time in the history of the nation, while the cries for justice from the voices of people of color seem to be reaching enough of a groundswell that the country is actually, finally, listening. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I have some thoughts.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Let’s start with my bona fides (FWIW):</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I was a child actor. I myself have performed in multiple operas (and other productions, but I bring up operas for a reason). I have been in productions of </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">La Boheme, Das Rheingold, </i><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">and</span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> Siegfried</i><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">, with the Seattle Opera, when I was a boy.</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">As a twenty-something, I was a union stagehand working for the IATSE Local #15, backstage at the Seattle Opera, the Seattle Repertory Theatre, the Fifth Avenue Theatre, the Pacific Northwest Ballet, the Paramount Theatre, and many others.</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">To this day, I work in hip-hop as a side gig. I am the co-owner of </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/www.butterbeatrecords.org/" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Butterbeat Records</a><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">, and have executive-produced multiple releases, and have worked with many talented and well-known emcees, almost exclusively men of color.</span></li>
<li><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">None of this is meant to argue I am some kind of expert on musical theatre or Broadway productions or hip-hop or the technical operations going on back stage, or that I have any reason to consider my opinions about this show more important than anyone else’s, only to say that I know a bit about this stuff, and to let my friends who are interested in my opinion know where some of my understanding and enjoyment of this production comes from.</span></li>
</ul>
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So, to the review:</div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">First, I need to cover some negatives:</b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<span style="text-indent: -24px;">1)</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -24px;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Hamilton, is like, kinda low-key sexist. For one thing, it utterly fails the </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Bechdel Test</a><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">. Further, this issue is particularly evident in the number “Helpless,” in Act 1. Perhaps I’m missing something, but “Boy, you got me helpless!” is not exactly the kind of empowering line I would choose to write for a female character I was trying to give any kind of nuance to. It also doesn’t help that in this scene both sisters are fawning over Hamilton, turning him into a kind of lazy Gary Stu trope, and really making the whole thing a little cringe-worthy.</span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">a.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Now, this is somewhat redeemed in “Burn,” and in “Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story,” but even then, whenever the women are centered, it’s only in how they can relate to Hamilton (or not, as in Burn, which is really clever in how it deconstructs women’s often removal from history and the narratives that follow), and relate his story to the audience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">b.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">The Reynolds Affair though, treats Maria as an object and frames Hamilton as being completely unable to control himself. There are especially problematic cues such as putting Maria in a red dress and putting a bed in the lyrics but not on stage. This is toxic masculinity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.5in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level3 lfo2; mso-text-indent-alt: -9.0pt; text-indent: -1.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>i.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">That being said, everything I’ve found in my research says this all really happened. So, in a way, this is the show and LMM attempting to humanize Hamilton by admitting to his deepest flaws, and not attempting to gloss them over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 1.5in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level3 lfo2; mso-text-indent-alt: -9.0pt; text-indent: -1.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>ii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">For this reason, I find this part less offensive than “Helpless.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">c.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">To be fair, most of this is historically accurate, but, although I’m no expert, in what little research I’ve had the time to do, there seems to be little proof that Angelica was as in love with Alexander as the show depicts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">d.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Some links:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>i.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><a href="https://thefemalegaze.org/2016/06/16/helpless-why-arent-we-talking-about-gender-in-hamilton/">Why Aren't We Talking about Gender in Hamilton</a><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>ii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><a href="https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/hamilton-musical-disney-plus-female-characters-schuyler-sisters-sexism/404847">The Schuyler Sisters and Sexism</a><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>iii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><a href="https://theconversation.com/hamilton-the-diverse-musical-with-representation-problems-141473">Hamilton - The Diverse Musical with Representation Problems</a><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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NOTE: I only finished this show last night. I have not had time to properly research. I welcome all dissent and debate and education on my part. I am definitely interested in learning more. I will also probably watch it again soon, so please consider this a reaction to a single viewing of the film adaptation only.<br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I have seen some critiques making the argument that the production is lionizing a man who fled slave rebellions in the Dutch island of Nevis in the Caribbean, in order to capitalize off slavery in the burgeoning American colonies. Also, that Hamilton is and was a hero of the financial elite. There may not have been billionaires in 1776, but there was certainly wealth and wage inequality, and many of Hamilton’s policies only served to exacerbate these issues.</span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">a.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Historically, this is all true. But I must disagree with these critiques of this modern production. This show is not some academic treatise attempting to somehow explain Hamilton’s flaws or turn him into someone he was not. It is an artistic retelling, full of poetic license, of one of the men who played an outsized role in founding this country, from a new perspective. One oft forgotten.<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">b.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>The show does not lionize Hamilton, not to my mind. It paints a nuanced picture of a man who was clearly very deeply flawed, especially in his relationships with women. There are some scenes that compare and contrast Hamilton with Jefferson that may feel to some viewers to be attempting to cast Hamilton in some kind of abolitionist light, (and there are moments toward the end where Washington realizes Hamilton could have done more about slavery if he’d lived) but I don’t see it that way. Yes, there is a framing of state’s rights versus federalism, and we all know state’s rights became a euphemism for supporting slavery soon enough in the young United States, but the show never really touches on what Hamilton thought about slavery. Not in any detail. It’s not about that, so to speak.<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">c.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>My mind comes back to a story: I once heard my daughter singing in the other room. She sang “I’m only 19 but my mind is older.” I rushed out there to ask her when she had started listening to <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mobb_Deep">Mobb Deep</a>. She explained it was a line from Hamilton, and then I went down a rabbit hole researching all the influences hip-hop had had on Lin-Manuel Miranda, and his writing of the show, and it was utterly fascinating. Havok and Prodigy, the two artists who made up the duo Mobb Deep, were not good people in their younger years. They did release their first album at age 19, but a lot of the stuff they rap about is things they actually did, such as robbing people, and violence, and selling drugs. But that doesn’t take away from the quality of their music. Art is art for art’s sake. It’s subjective, and sure, you can have more of a taste for conscious hip-hop like A Tribe Called Quest, or De La Soul, but you cannot deny the impact of Mobb Deep on the genre, just as we should not deny Hamilton the man’s role in the founding of this nation.<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">d.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Making the argument that Hamilton the production is terrible because Hamilton the man was terrible (or mostly terrible) is like making the argument that you hate Breaking Bad because you’re against people cooking meth and selling it to folks who use it and then have their lives ruined. That is fundamentally not how stories (or the characters in them) work. <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">e.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Some links:<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>i.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/11/theater/hamilton-and-history-are-they-in-sync.html">Hamilton and History - Are They in Sync?</a><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>ii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><a href="https://www.currentaffairs.org/2016/07/you-should-be-terrified-that-people-who-like-hamilton-run-our-country?fbclid=IwAR1bIXJH1OeDNfDl_Q0ya_lOHj9FRNji-HR9ocYfS03P_gC87bw0HNnfL-8">You Should be Terrified that People Who Like Hamilton Run Our Country</a><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>iii.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><a href="https://www.facebook.com/kim.alt.9237/posts/328788394948308">Sandy Incitar's Public Facebook Post</a><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>iv.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><a href="https://www.vox.com/2016/4/14/11418672/hamilton-is-fanfic-not-historically-inaccurate?fbclid=IwAR0qBR6EBZpWceasFmX35rUBQFWYkPCl0vPIkHRq7nNpuGMTpvwZYNFAKsc">Hamilton is Fanfic, Not Historically Inaccurate</a><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 1.5in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level3 lfo2; mso-text-indent-alt: -9.0pt; text-indent: -1.5in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>v.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2015/09/24/hamilton_s_hip_hop_references_all_the_rap_and_r_b_allusions_in_lin_manuel.html">Hamilton's Hip-Hop References</a><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Now, to the good:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">There is so much to cover but let me start by saying that this is the most hip-hop theatre production I have ever seen.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I’ll start with a bit of a metaphor. I don’t know how much Broadway audiences would have noticed, but the film adaptation makes it clear that the center of the stage is a literal, physical turntable.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">DJ Kool Herc invented hip-hop in 1973, in the Bronx, in New York City, when he brought influences from his Jamaican roots in Soundclash Dancehall culture to America, most specifically by connecting two turntables to a mixer so that two copies of the same record could be played and rewound and the signal switched back and forth, over and over without losing the “loop” of a breakbeat drum solo from funk or rock records of the era or the decade before. Before breakdancing, or beatboxing, or graffiti, or emceeing, hip-hop was born of juggling vinyl records, and the DJ’s ability to make it sound seamless. Later, Grandmaster Flash invented scratching vinyl, which also plays a part in Hamilton, but I digress.<br />
<br />
To me, as a former actor, former stagehand, and current fan and active producer of hip-hop music, this level of attention to detail blew me away. The writer and composer, Lin-Manual Miranda, may have had nothing to do with the set design (and likely didn’t, from my experience in theatre), and that’s fine, but <i>someone</i> thought about it, and someone cared about this show enough to make sure the references go three and four levels deep.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Now, not unlike champagne requiring French origin, there are some interesting rules about what makes opera, “Opera.” Most operas are sung in Italian, or German, or French, and I don’t know exactly <i>why, </i>but technically, musical theatre productions, even if completely void of spoken dialog, sung in English, cannot be considered “Opera.” So, we end up with people calling things like <i>Jesus Christ Superstar </i>and <i>Joseph</i> <i>and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat </i>“rock operas,” or “musical comedies.” But really, Hamilton is kind of opera. Or, if you like, “Hip-Hopera.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">But Hamilton, as groundbreaking as it is, is not the first Black Opera (or not-opera, depending on your perspective). Many may not have heard of it, but <i>Porgy and Bess, </i>though not free of controversy, dates back as late as 1925 in its origins and is so well known in communities of color that Lauryn Hill references it in The Fugees song <i><a href="https://genius.com/30676">Ready or Not</a>.<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Yet, to quote Lin-Manuel, “This is a story about America then, told by America now,” which says so much to me about why this story resonates, and why it matters, in the contemporary America of <i>now.<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I’m going to paraphrase something my friend <a href="http://susankayequinn.com/">Susan Kay Quinn</a> wrote: <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Hamilton refreshes the ideals our country was founded on, reimaging them performed in the bodies of actors of color, sung by the voices of people of color, directly tackling some of the sins of our past, while still cherishing the upstart spirit that made the American experiment so radical at the time.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">And to quote her directly:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“</span><span style="background: white; color: #1c1e21;">We're deep in the valley of broken glass. Pandemic r</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">aging, record unemployment, the rich getting richer while everyone else suffers. But we're also, potentially, in the midst of a great transformation. We're taking to the streets, demanding the country live up to those ideals, demanding racial justice. We're seeing all the cracks split wide open, from our broken hyper-capitalistic system that doesn't value our essential workers to a broken healthcare system that doesn't protect the health of our nation. The suffering that was there all along has been made savagely worse by the pandemic--which only highlights it and gives us a unique chance to fix it.</span>”</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Point being, Hamilton is more than Hamilton.<br />
<br />
It’s not only the greatest remix of classic American history told through the methods of hip-hop, an art form that is entirely based on borrowing from the before (be-bop, jazz, funk, etc.), by composers and actors of color, but it is, at least, or especially, in this filmed re-release, a modern act of revolution. In the media we have today. I fully hope and expect that Hamilton will be rivaled, in 200 years, by a production that chronicles the Black Lives Matter movement and resulting revolution that followed to break down systemic racism in this country, much in the way that Hamilton shares the original American revolution with people who may not have been fully versed in it before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Not to go on forever, but it is not lost on me that Hamilton brings (while perhaps omitting some things), education of US History to young people in a way that traditional education cannot, or at least will not. Remember, in high school, how every book you were assigned to read was written by an old white man? Or, if you got lucky, an old white woman? Hamilton says fuck that noise. It’s written and composed by a Puerto Rican man. It’s performed by something like more than 80% Black actors. The major roles that aren’t performed by black actors are performed by other people of color, such as Phillipa Soo, a Chinese-American actress, as Eliza Schuyler Hamilton, or the Puerto Rican actor, Anthony Ramos, as John Laurens and Philip Hamilton.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">The only white actors in it are Mad King George and a couple other minor villains.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">This isn’t just about giving folks of color work. This is about code-switching. This is about co-opting history. About centering an immigrant in the birth of the United States of America. About taking the past, putting it in a grinder, and peppering the shit out of the youths chomping at the bit for the next revolution that is inevitably coming.</span></div>
Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-16923830521150794372017-06-15T18:26:00.001-04:002017-06-15T18:26:32.355-04:00Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Revised 2 - CritiquedUgh, work has been so nuts. It took me three days just to get back to this. Sorry, Abhinav! But hey, let's get right to work, right? My feedback, as usual, will be in <span style="color: #3d85c6;">blue</span>.<br />
<br />
<b>The letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear [Agent Name]<br />
<br />
Twenty-year-old <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Ah, I see you've changed this. Interesting. Should work.</span> Indira Ramsay has studied her entire life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I still get caught up on this. Corps is a military term, which means a division of an armed force. I get the feeling that's not what you mean here, but I'm not sure. That said, you've stuck with it through three revisions, so clearly you're committed to it. It should probably be fine.</span> that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen, leaving Indira broken and dejected.<br />
<br />
The <strike>very</strike> next day, Eldritch has gone missing and the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And Indira is among their first targets.<br />
<br />
Marked for death as Eldritch's blood, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Is this because he's a member of the council? If so, just say "Marked for death as the granddaughter of a councilman."</span> she manages to survive her assailants and learn the truth of the enemy's schemes. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">How does she learn this?</span> They plan to have Eldritch use his newfound power <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Which is? Do you mean more than just political power?</span> and status to find the Empire's own hero, the man who defeated them <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Defeated who? Not the empire, since the empire is clearly still around. </span>centuries ago and disappeared after; they plan to have Eldritch kill him. And for some reason, Eldritch is willing.<br />
<br />
The Empire. Above humanity. Above justice. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. She will live by it.<br />
<br />
As the heroes incite riots in the city and stir the underclass to rebellion, Indira will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch from carrying out the enemy's plan, she will save the Empire at any cost<span style="color: #3d85c6;">, even if it be Eldritch himself.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?</strike><br />
<br />
THE BURNT STATE is a dual-POV adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.<br />
<br />
I have had a short story titled "The Warrior Boy Who Would Not Suffer" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. I am a member of the Codex Writers' Group, an online community of neo-pro speculative fiction writers.<br />
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Abhinav Bhat<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;">This is getting very close! Definite improvements over previous versions. You still need to clarify a few sections of vague wording, but otherwise this is pretty darn good.</span><br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Please thank Abhinav for sharing, and provide your feedback in the comments.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-51195052888915565662017-06-10T11:52:00.001-04:002017-06-10T11:52:15.921-04:00Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Revised 2We first saw Abhinav's query, <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/02/abhinav-bhats-current-query.html">here</a>, and then critiqued it, <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/02/abhinav-bhats-current-query-critiqued.html">here</a>. We saw Abhinav's revision, <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/04/abhinav-bhats-current-query-revised.html">here</a>, and then critiqued it, <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/04/abhinav-bhats-current-query-revised_12.html">here</a>. Now Abhinav is back with a new revision, so let's get right to it.<br />
<br />
<b>The letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear [Agent Name]<br />
<br />
Twenty-year-old Indira Ramsay has studied her entire life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen, leaving Indira broken and dejected.<br />
<br />
The very next day, Eldritch has gone missing and the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And Indira is among their first targets.<br />
<br />
Marked for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to survive her assailants and learn the truth of the enemy's schemes. They plan to have Eldritch use his newfound power and status to find the Empire's own hero, the man who defeated them centuries ago and disappeared after; they plan to have Eldritch kill him. And for some reason, Eldritch is willing.<br />
<br />
The Empire. Above humanity. Above justice. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. She will live by it.<br />
<br />
As the heroes incite riots in the city and stir the underclass to rebellion, Indira will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch from carrying out the enemy's plan, she will save the Empire at any cost.<br />
<br />
Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?<br />
<br />
THE BURNT STATE is a dual-POV adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.<br />
<br />
I have had a short story titled "The Warrior Boy Who Would Not Suffer" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. I am a member of the Codex Writers' Group, an online community of neo-pro speculative fiction writers.<br />
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Abhinav Bhat<br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please thank Abhinav for sharing, and save your feedback until I have time to put the critique up.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-33373898396850972792017-04-19T06:00:00.000-04:002017-04-19T07:38:51.872-04:00Todd Noker's Current Query Revised - CritiquedSorry, Todd! Yesterday was nuts at work, so I didn't get to this. But here it is today! Here is Todd's revised query for TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS, this time with my feedback, in <span style="color: #3d85c6;">blue</span>.<br />
<br />
<b>The letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear (Agent),<br />
<br />
Preston Taylor is wise-ass seventeen-year-old who thinks he is smarter than the homeless-teens <span style="color: #3d85c6;">why is this hyphenated?</span> he encounters in Salt Lake City, because his problems aren’t permanent—but he eventually learns that he is just like them. He’s looking for his adult brother who moved out years ago to flee from their mother’s heroin addiction. When she disappears after another binge, Preston is on his own. The street-kids <span style="color: #3d85c6;">also this?</span> he meets abuse drugs, eat whatever they can find, and sell their bodies to survive. <strike>He doesn’t give a damn about their problems at first, because he is above their plight—he knows that his brother will take him in</strike>. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I would probably cut this. It probably works fine in the manuscript, as Preston's character arc has more time to develop there, but in the query this just makes him sound like an asshole.</span> When he befriends Zack Ellison, a young street-wise prostitute, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Hmm. Is Zack truly a professional sex worker? Or does he turn the occasional trick out of desperation? I suppose it depends on the story, but if he's underage, I'd be careful about how you label him.</span> <strike>Preston starts to feel like a big brother himself</strike>. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Cut this too. You're just bogging down the conflict at this point.</span> Preston makes it to his brother’s last known address only to find that he has moved, leaving him permanently homeless. When Zack begs him to accompany him as a lookout on a date with a notorious John, Preston reluctantly agrees. Zack emerges from the trick broken and bleeding, and despite Preston’s attempt to save him, he disappears into the night and is never seen again. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">The biggest problem I have with this, honestly, at least at first glance, is that this is one giant chunk of text. This one paragraph is 188 words long. Can you break it up anywhere? Maybe after "... his brother will take him in?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Otherwise, this is certainly an improvement, but you might want to re-arrange things here and there, and try to tighten it up a bit. Maybe something like:</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Seventeen-year-old wise-ass Preston Taylor assumes he's smarter than the homeless teens that choke the alleys and gutters of downtown Salt Lake, because his personal housing crisis isn't permanent, but when he can't find his adult brother after their mother disappears on another black tar heroin binge, he quickly discovers exactly how much they have in common."</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">It's kind of a long sentence, I know, and you can probably do better, and make it in your own voice, but the point I'm trying to make here is that you can convey much more specificity in far fewer words, if you think about how to present and order the information. Also, avoid state-of-being verbs if you can. Avoid them in all your writing wherever possible. They're just boring.</span><br />
<br />
People look away from desperate teens in this beautiful city with <strike>its</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">the</span> pristine Mormon temple at <strike>the center</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">its heart</span>, and it pisses Preston off. He must even the score with this John even if it <strike>jeopardizes his survival</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">risks/endangers his life?</span>. He arranges a date and, while <strike>fighting to not be violently assaulted</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">defending himself from a violent assault</span> like Zack<span style="color: #3d85c6;">'s</span>, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">accidentally</span> kills <strike>him</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">the man</span>. Preston’s tragedy is the evidence <strike>that</strike> he feels everyone in this city must see, even if it means sacrificing his life. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Why is it sacrificing his life? Didn't he just defend his own life? If you mean turning himself in, he might not be charged, and even if he was, that would only cost him his freedom, not his life.</span><br />
<br />
TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS is a 61,000 word YA manuscript. An earlier version of this story won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.<br />
<br />
I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name <a href="https://x96.com/author/todd/">Todd Nuke ‘Em</a>. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.<br />
<br />
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Todd Noker<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">In summary, this is definitely an improvement. You've got a better sense of Preston as a character, and the conflict he finds himself caught up in is much clearer here. Mainly, what I see this query needing at this point is mostly just a copy editor's eye. You've got some extraneous information that isn't really necessary, and the sentences are sometimes a little bloated or unclear. But all in all I think this is pretty good, and it's much more obvious now that you have a compelling premise on your hands.</span><br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please thank Todd for sharing this with us, and let us know what you think in the comments.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-53589125279748266122017-04-17T08:00:00.000-04:002017-04-17T08:55:11.540-04:00Todd Noker's Current Query RevisedToday we have Todd's query for TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS again, which you first saw <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/03/todd-nokers-current-query.html">here</a>, and I critiqued, <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/03/todd-nokers-current-query-critiqued.html">here</a>, this time with Todd's revisions.<br />
<br />
<b>The letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear (Agent),<br />
<br />
Preston Taylor is wise-ass seventeen-year-old who thinks he is smarter than the homeless-teens he encounters in Salt Lake City, because his problems aren’t permanent—but he eventually learns that he is just like them. He’s looking for his adult brother who moved out years ago to flee from their mother’s heroin addiction. When she disappears after another binge, Preston is on his own. The street-kids he meets abuse drugs, eat whatever they can find, and sell their bodies to survive. He doesn’t give a damn about their problems at first, because he is above their plight—he knows that his brother will take him in. When he befriends Zack Ellison, a young street-wise prostitute, Preston starts to feel like a big brother himself. Preston makes it to his brother’s last known address only to find that he has moved, leaving him permanently homeless. When Zack begs him to accompany him as a lookout on a date with a notorious John, Preston reluctantly agrees. Zack emerges from the trick broken and bleeding, and despite Preston’s attempt to save him, he disappears into the night and is never seen again. <br />
<br />
People look away from desperate teens in this beautiful city with its pristine Mormon temple at the center, and it pisses Preston off. He must even the score with this John even if it jeopardizes his survival. He arranges a date and, while fighting to not be violently assaulted like Zack, kills him. Preston’s tragedy is the evidence that he feels everyone in this city must see, even if it means sacrificing his life. <br />
<br />
TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS is a 61,000 word YA manuscript. An earlier version of this story won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.<br />
<br />
I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name <a href="https://x96.com/author/todd/">Todd Nuke ‘Em</a>. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.<br />
<br />
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Todd Noker<br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please thank Todd for sharing again, and save your feedback for tomorrow.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-89241630864272352112017-04-12T06:00:00.000-04:002017-04-12T12:43:28.889-04:00Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Revised - CritiquedOkay, today we have Abhinav's revised letter again, and questions, and I'm actually going to answer the questions first:<br />
<br />
<b>Questions</b>, with my replies in <span style="color: #3d85c6;">blue</span>:<br />
<br />
I have been told on quite a few forums that the POV shift from Indy to Eldritch to Indy is jarring and unrequired and that I should be writing in one POV only. And that it should be Indy only. Does the shift work given that this is a dual POV novel?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">I think the query should be written from only one POV. You can always mention the alternating POVs in your housekeeping section. There are, of course, probably queries out there that break this "rule" and break it well and make it work, but it's difficult, and non-standard, and queries are hard enough to get right already. As for whether the query should focus on Indy or Eldritch, well... that would depend on the manuscript, but it seems to work pretty well focusing, or at least starting with, Indy.</span><br />
<br />
Many people are getting confused at the entire family being murdered and grandson left over, thinking that Indy's dead. I've added a clarification in brackets. Does it work?<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Yeah it's definitely a little confusing as it's written. I will try to cover this in the critique below.</span><br />
<br />
Is my novel YA or Adult? The tone of my novel is distinctly adult I feel. But others say that if the protagonist is teenage, then it's YA, even though I've two protagonists, but then if I have two protagonists, it can't be YA others say. I've been advised to up the age from teenage to twenty to make it adult. I'm confused. Please advise.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is hard to say for certain without having read the manuscript, but don't let anyone tell you that just because your manuscript has one protagonist and/or narrator that is a teenager that automatically makes it a YA book. That's entirely inaccurate. Read <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/469571.All_the_Pretty_Horses">All the Pretty Horses</a></i>, by <a href="http://www.cormacmccarthy.com/">Cormac McCarthy</a>, or <i><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/186074.The_Name_of_the_Wind">The Name of the Wind</a></i>, by <a href="http://www.patrickrothfuss.com/content/index.asp">Patrick Rothfuss</a> if you want to see two excellent examples of books with teenaged protagonists which are definitely not YA novels. The Rothfuss book is something you should almost certainly read, if you haven't, since it is also fantasy.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Again, I can't say for certain without having read your manuscript, but this sounds like Adult Epic Fantasy to me.</span><br />
<br />
Anyway, let's move on to the revised letter, with my feedback in <span style="color: #3d85c6;">blue</span>.<br />
<br />
<b>The query:</b><br />
<br />
Dear Agent<br />
<br />
Indy Ramsay has studied her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite civil corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">I won't rehash what I said the last time I critiqued this, but as far as I can tell, only one word in this opening paragraph has changed. You added "civil" to "elite corps." I don't think that was the biggest problem with this opening before. The problem, as I see it, is that you jump right into what starts happening <i>to </i>and <i>around </i>Indy, without taking the time to properly introduce her first. How old is she? What kind of person is she? Why should we care whether she succeeds?</span><br />
<br />
The very next day, the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And the Ramsay household is among their first targets.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is much better than before. Could still use a bit more info about these heroes, but this is a big improvement.</span><br />
<br />
Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">who has been taken prisoner</span>. <strike>(Indy is presumed dead.)</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">He presumes Indy has been killed along with the others.</span> He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is ... too many ... ellipses for a query--avoid em-dashes too, if you can. They don't format well in email. Otherwise, this is good, but the prose kind of drags on. See if you can tighten it up. Short, clear, specific sentences, if you can.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>Unbeknownst to Eldritch, Indy is also alive.</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is somewhat redundant. You already said he presumes she's dead. Maybe something like "Yet Indy was not among the victims."</span> Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she <span style="color: #3d85c6;">instead</span> manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for Eldritch to betray the Empire. <br />
<br />
The Empire. Above humanity. Above her brother. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. <br />
<br />
She will live by it. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">The rest of this is pretty good.</span><br />
<br />
As the heroes incite riots in the city and the underclass rises up in rebellion against the Council, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.<br />
<br />
<strike>Even if the cost be Eldritch himself</strike>. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I don't think you need this. It's pretty clearly implied.</span><br />
<br />
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather as <strike>seen</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">narrated</span> from their <span style="color: #3d85c6;">alternating</span> points of view. It is complete at 113,000 words.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">So, in summary, this is a marked improvement. The conflict in the middle is still a bit muddied, but it's much clearer than it was. The biggest thing you should still work on is introducing Indy earlier and better, so that readers know more about her character, and can sympathize with her more easily.</span><br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please share your thoughts below.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-70698287684822105992017-04-11T06:00:00.000-04:002017-04-11T06:59:28.418-04:00Abhinav Bhat's Current Query RevisedWe first saw Abhinav's query, <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/02/abhinav-bhats-current-query.html">here</a>, and then critiqued it, <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/02/abhinav-bhats-current-query-critiqued.html">here</a>. Now Abhinav is back with a revision, so let's get right to it.<br />
<br />
<b>The letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear Agent<br />
<br />
Indy Ramsay has studied her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite civil corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.<br />
<br />
The very next day, the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And the Ramsay household is among their first targets.<br />
<br />
Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. (Indy is presumed dead.) He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.<br />
<br />
Unbeknownst to Eldritch, Indy is also alive. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for Eldritch to betray the Empire. <br />
<br />
The Empire. Above humanity. Above her brother. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. <br />
<br />
She will live by it. <br />
<br />
As the heroes incite riots in the city and the underclass rises up in rebellion against the Council, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.<br />
<br />
Even if the cost be Eldritch himself.<br />
<br />
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather as seen from their points of view. It is complete at 113,000 words.<br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
<b>Except Abhinav also asks a few questions:</b><br />
<br />
I have been told on quite a few forums that the POV shift from Indy to Eldritch to Indy is jarring and unrequired and that I should be writing in one POV only. And that it should be Indy only. Does the shift work given that this is a dual POV novel?<br />
<br />
Many people are getting confused at the entire family being murdered and grandson left over, thinking that Indy's dead. I've added a clarification in brackets. Does it work?<br />
<br />
Is my novel YA or Adult? The tone of my novel is distinctly adult I feel. But others say that if the protagonist is teenage, then it's YA, even though I've two protagonists, but then if I have two protagonists, it can't be YA others say. I've been advised to up the age from teenage to twenty to make it adult. I'm confused. Please advise.<br />
<br />
<b>Which I will get to tomorrow! Otherwise, please thank Abhinav for sharing this with us, and save your feedback until then!</b>Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-47451490817844643882017-04-05T06:00:00.000-04:002017-04-05T14:06:33.508-04:00Maria Anna Witt's Current Query CritiquedHere is Maria's query for CREEPY BOY again, this time with my feedback, in blue.<br />
<br />
The query:<br />
<br />
Dear Ms/r (Agent Name) <br />
<br />
<strike>I hope to interest you in my first novel</strike>, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">You don't need any of this. It's implied and understood, or in the case of this being your first, unnecessary. </span>CREEPY BOY which explores the power of belief, in a psychological spin of FREAKY FRIDAY with a dark comic book twist. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This isn't bad, but you could probably save this for the end.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">I would recommend you start your query here. With the CHARACTER. The protagonist is the most important character in any story, and the concept of CHARACTER is the most important aspect of almost every great query letter I've ever seen (there are exceptions, but it's rare). Give us a person to relate to, who we can sympathize with, right away. Otherwise, it doesn't matter how cool whatever happens is, because we won't care.</span> Kelsey’s visions of a perfect Senior year go up in flames the night her boyfriend Dave crashes his car. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This isn't bad, but this is all plot, or maybe even backstory. Try to introduce more about what kind of person Kelsey is first.</span> Even his daring rescue of one of the passengers can’t erase the fact that he’d been drinking and driving. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Was the care on fire, like <i>literally</i> up in flames? If so, say that. Otherwise it's kind of hard to picture rescuing someone from a car accident</span>. With Dave banished to an aunt’s farm for the summer, Kelsey’s stuck wishing she had warned him of her eerie premonition. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Now this I like. I hope you explain more later.</span><br />
<br />
Kelsey knows Dave is facing lifelong guilt and strict terms of probation when they return to school in the fall. But she wishes he hadn’t appointed himself personal protector to Calvin, left disfigured and an amputee<strike>,</strike> by the accident. She can’t forget her dreams that predicted Calvin’s fate, or the feeling of danger she gets when she sees his secret artwork. <br />
<br />
Calvin’s art is beautiful and disturbing: a comic book series depicting himself as an Angel of Death with the ability to swap souls, and Dave as his arch-nemesis. Accusing a brain-damaged accident victim of a supernatural revenge plot won’t <strike>get</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">win?</span> Kelsey any points for popularity or sanity, or restore her interrupted relationship with Dave. As Kelsey’s developing obsession with Calvin turns from fear to fascination, she becomes more convinced she has a psychic connection with him. <br />
<br />
Since the day of the accident, Calvin’s been practicing the superpowers from his stories, with the goal of swapping his broken life for Dave’s life of wealth and privilege. But he can feel Kelsey closing in on him, and she’s getting too close to the truth. Making her part of his revenge is a surefire way to stop her, and when Calvin successfully takes over Kelsey’s body, his story becomes horrifyingly real. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Wait, what? Now it sounds like this is being told from Calvin's point of view. Is that on purpose? I do see below that the manuscript alternates POVs, but don't do that in the query. Or at least, not like this. Whichever character is more important, stick to that POV. You can certainly describe what Calvin goes through, but it needs to be from Kelsey's POV, otherwise it gets confusing.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Now, that being said, plot-wise this is pretty cool. This query is too long at this point (the "meat" is 350 words, and you should try to keep that part under 250 if you can) but if you can figure out a way to convey this info more quickly, you'd be in good shape.</span><br />
<br />
Now there’s more than Kelsey’s reputation at stake. Dave’s worst enemy is using her body to get his ultimate revenge, and Kelsey is trapped inside Calvin’s damaged body, struggling to communicate. Instead of trying to get back together with Dave, Kelsey has to convince him that the girl he thinks he’s falling for is a deadly threat. To stop Calvin, she’s going to need to overcome his supernatural abilities and uncover the truth about what really happened the night of the accident. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is kind of frustrating, because while it's confusing to read and consider, it also sounds like an incredibly cool story. Hopefully you can think of a way to clarify this a bit.</span><br />
<br />
CREEPY BOY is an 85,000 word Contemporary Young Adult novel with supernatural elements. It’s told in the alternating POV of Kelsey and Calvin, with plenty of twists and turns that keep the reader guessing. <strike>I’m seeking representation with the goal of pursuing a writing career, as I have other works in progress</strike>. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">You don't need this. It's generally understood that you wouldn't be querying if you hadn't been writing long enough to be confident enough in your work to be sending it out, and even if this is technically the first manuscript you finished, you don't need to bring that up. Otherwise, this housekeeping section is good.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Okay, so in summary, this query does need a bit of work, but it's clear you have an awesome story to tell, so that's helpful.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Not every query letter has to be the same, of course, but in general the ones that work focus on a few basic elements that help them stand out.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">CHARACTER. As I said above, nothing in STORY is more important than CHARACTER, and therefore obviously nothing is more important in a query. We know nothing about Kelsey. What kind of person is she? How old is she? Is she a cheerleader? A stoner? A punk? A goth? Obviously you don't want to shoehorn her into some stereotype, but there's a reason that archetypes work, and it can help the reader get a better sense of who is she before her story starts and therefore care about whether she succeeds when it comes to ...</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">CONFLICT. You could also just say plot, but CONFLICT is the second most important thing in STORY, and so, yeah you get it. You actually have a pretty excellent sense of the conflict set up here. Dave wounds Calvin, Calvin wants revenge, Calvin has powers, so Calvin switches bodies with Dave's girlfriend Kelsey. I mean, there's more to it than that, but that's basically it. You just need to figure out a way to convey that in less than 250 words. You've got the threads here, you just need to expose them a bit more succinctly.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">CHOICE. This isn't really required, and it's far less important than the two elements before it, but good query letters often end of what's called a <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SadisticChoice">sadistic choice</a> (that's a TVTropes link, you've been warned), the kind of thing that it's nearly impossible for a character to decide about, and therefore makes the reader (hopefully the agent's assistant) have no choice but to want to read the pages.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Those are the three main elements, but there are a couple of other common things like an inciting incident which turns an innocent world into an exciting new one (I get the feeling that is your car accident, unless that's backstory), and you've got that pretty clear here, but basically what you want to try to do is come up with something relatively similar to this:</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Opening paragraph introduces very sympathetic protagonist, and we readers care about her right away and want her to win. Then once we know <i>who </i>she is, you can finish the paragraph by telling us <i>what </i>starts to happen to her, or in other words what the inciting incident is.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Second paragraph covers the main conflict. Introduce the antagonist here, and explain what they want and why/how it goes against what the protagonist wants. Be specific. Nothing damages a decent query more than vagueness.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Final paragraph (this is of the "meat" part of the query, your "housekeeping/bio/personalization" section can be another paragraph or two, but keep the "meat" to 250 words or less if you can) covers the sadistic choice, or at least makes clear what the protagonist must accomplish in order to succeed or win or at least survive the conflict.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">All in all, you've got all the elements here. You just need to introduce Kelsey as a character more, and sooner, and then you need to pare down your description of the conflict so that it packs much more punch. The premise of this story is obviously really cool, it's just muddied by the confusing way it's described.</span><br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-22665139750358178712017-04-04T06:00:00.000-04:002017-04-04T06:48:06.878-04:00Maria Anna Witt's Current QueryToday we have Maria Anna Witt's query for her YA novel CREEPY BOY.<br />
<br />
<b>Here's the letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear Ms/r (Agent Name) <br />
<br />
I hope to interest you in my first novel, CREEPY BOY which explores the power of belief, in a psychological spin of FREAKY FRIDAY with a dark comic book twist. <br />
<br />
Kelsey’s visions of a perfect Senior year go up in flames the night her boyfriend Dave crashes his car. Even his daring rescue of one of the passengers can’t erase the fact that he’d been drinking and driving. With Dave banished to an aunt’s farm for the summer, Kelsey’s stuck wishing she had warned him of her eerie premonition.<br />
<br />
Kelsey knows Dave is facing lifelong guilt and strict terms of probation when they return to school in the fall. But she wishes he hadn’t appointed himself personal protector to Calvin, left disfigured and an amputee, by the accident. She can’t forget her dreams that predicted Calvin’s fate, or the feeling of danger she gets when she sees his secret artwork. <br />
<br />
Calvin’s art is beautiful and disturbing: a comic book series depicting himself as an Angel of Death with the ability to swap souls, and Dave as his arch-nemesis. Accusing a brain-damaged accident victim of a supernatural revenge plot won’t get Kelsey any points for popularity or sanity, or restore her interrupted relationship with Dave. As Kelsey’s developing obsession with Calvin turns from fear to fascination, she becomes more convinced she has a psychic connection with him. <br />
<br />
Since the day of the accident, Calvin’s been practicing the superpowers from his stories, with the goal of swapping his broken life for Dave’s life of wealth and privilege. But he can feel Kelsey closing in on him, and she’s getting too close to the truth. Making her part of his revenge is a surefire way to stop her, and when Calvin successfully takes over Kelsey’s body, his story becomes horrifyingly real. <br />
<br />
Now there’s more than Kelsey’s reputation at stake. Dave’s worst enemy is using her body to get his ultimate revenge, and Kelsey is trapped inside Calvin’s damaged body, struggling to communicate. Instead of trying to get back together with Dave, Kelsey has to convince him that the girl he thinks he’s falling for is a deadly threat. To stop Calvin, she’s going to need to overcome his supernatural abilities and uncover the truth about what really happened the night of the accident.<br />
<br />
CREEPY BOY is an 85,000 word Contemporary Young Adult novel with supernatural elements. It’s told in the alternating POV of Kelsey and Calvin, with plenty of twists and turns that keep the reader guessing. I’m seeking representation with the goal of pursuing a writing career, as I have other works in progress. <br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please thank Maria for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-54743277265714995622017-03-11T09:00:00.000-05:002017-03-11T13:21:49.047-05:00Todd Noker's Current Query CritiquedSo sorry about yesterday, Todd! Things got crazy at work and I didn't have time to put your critique up. But here it is now! This critique is for Todd Noker's query for his current YA novel TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS, from <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/2017/03/todd-nokers-current-query.html">Thursday</a>. My feedback will be in <span style="color: #3d85c6;">blue</span>.<br />
<br />
<b>Here's the letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear (Agent),<br />
<br />
Seventeen-year-old Preston is on a journey to find his older brother, the only family he has left after his mother disappeared on a drug binge. Searching among the <strike>homeless teen</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">homeless-teen</span> subculture of Salt Lake City, Preston is witness to drug overdoses, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I would like to see more here. Overdoses are not the only tragedy that homeless kids suffer under. There is hunger, there is violence, there is sexual assault. Maybe just mention one or two other things? You've got plenty of room.</span> and ultimately befriends Zack, who sells his body to survive. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is most excellent and you must read <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10628114-brooklyn-burning">BROOKLYN, BURNING</a>, by <a href="http://www.stevebrezenoff.com/">Steve Brezenoff</a>.</span> When Zack disappears after a tryst <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I don't care for this word here at all. Tryst implies a plan to meet, between <i>lovers. </i>Unless Zack is actually in love with the John he turns the trick with, I don't think tryst is the right word here. Is it a new customer? Someone he has serviced before? I would really like to see more specifics here.</span> with a customer, Preston plans his revenge to even the score. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Again, more. I get the impression from below that Preston decides to start turning tricks too, or least pretending to, so if that's the case just say so.</span> But the man <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Normally I want the antagonist named, but I think this works. The only thing I need to know is whether this John purchased Zack's services often, or if this was the first time.</span> has plenty of experience of his own, and Preston is locked in a situation where he might also be consumed in the same way as Zack—if he survives the date at all. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is actually pretty good. A bit vague, but I think it's probably important that we don't know whether Zack was killed or not.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Okay, wow. So, first of all, this may be the shortest query I've ever seen. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and realistic contemporary stories like this tend to require less in a query, so that's basically all good news.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">It is, however, lacking some important things. First of all, the most important thing in any query letter is the CHARACTER. We have a good bit of backstory for Preston, and a missing addict mother certainly makes him a sympathetic character, but there are two things I think can be improved on here: 1) "find his older brother?" So, the brother is missing too? Not that that's impossible, but it feels a bit convenient for the brother to also go missing at the same time as the mom. Am I misunderstanding here? Why is he on a journey to find his older brother? If the brother was taken away by the state (oh by the way, I'm sure you have since I know you from Drew, but if you haven't you also must read <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10355662-stick">STICK</a>, by <a href="http://www.authorandrewsmith.com/Author_Andrew_Smith/Home.html">Andrew Smith</a>), or might be on his way back from juvie or something, go ahead and put that in the query. Specificity is the key to a good query. 2) We know a good bit about where Preston came from, or at least his backstory, but we know nothing about what kind of person he is. Is he a delinquent before this story starts? Or does he lose his innocence on the streets? We need to sympathize with Preston right away, and be able to start rooting for him right off the bat. Just a couple of words about his CHARACTER in that first line would really help. You can see <a href="http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/p/my-query-for-warrior-monks.html">my query for RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE</a> to see what I did to introduce Micah.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Otherwise, this query has some loose ends, regarding the mother and the brother, that never get wrapped up, but that's probably fine. You don't have to give away endings, and it seems like the vengeance for Zack is probably the climax.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>Terms of the Innocents</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS (great title, by the way)</span> is a 61,000 word YA manuscript <strike>that, while having a sarcastic tone, is gritty and intense</strike>. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is probably subjective, but I would cut this. Don't tell the agent what the prose is like, show them. The query should do that even if you don't get to include 5 pages.</span> Preston is a compassionate wise-ass who feels that he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Um, HELLO!?! Put this in the query up top right away. This is perfect.</span> but eventually learns he is just like them. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This too.</span> An earlier version of this <strike>novel</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">story/manuscript</span> won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.<br />
<br />
I have two other titles published on <strike>iUniverse</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i>iUniverse</i></span>, and one title published by their <strike>Star</strike> <i><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Star</span></i> imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Can you make this a hyperlink to something? Maybe <a href="https://x96.com/author/todd/">this(link)</a>?</span> I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is great. Agents love signing writers that already have a platform this well established.</span><br />
<br />
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Readers, Todd mentioned in his email to me that he doesn't include this line with every query. Obviously this only goes out to agents that ask for pages in their submission guidelines.</span><br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Todd Noker<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Okay, man. In summary: first of all I just want to say I really want to read this novel. Having been homeless as a teenager myself, I very much want to see that experience explored more often in literature, and I think the story you're describing here sounds like an important and compelling one. I can't wait to hear the good news that you have sold this manuscript!</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">As for the query, it needs some work in places, but the good news is that you have plenty of room to include more (for those who don't know, I recommend keeping the "meat of the query" or in other words, the part that describes the story itself (not your bio, or the housekeeping details about the manuscript like word count and genre) to under 250 words. Todd's is 104 words long, so that's plenty of room to work with).</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I would recommend that you especially focus on Preston, but you've kind of done your work for yourself already. Try an opening sentence that starts something like this (though in your voice, not mine):</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Seventeen-year-old Preston [Last Name] is a wise-cracking [skateboarder/graffiti artist/gutter punk] who thinks he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters on the streets of SLC. But when his mother disappears on another bender, he decides it’s finally time to search for his older brother who [insert why the brother’s gone], he discovers that most of them are just like him, with struggles and triumphs all their own."</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Except, of course, better than that and in your own words.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Other than that opening with a better sense of who Preston is before his story starts, I'd like to see a better explanation of Zack's relationship with the John I assume is the antagonist, and if you can clarify that, I think you'd be in great shape here.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Let me know if you have any questions.</span><br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-84215540544508247692017-03-09T08:00:00.000-05:002017-03-09T08:26:35.879-05:00Todd Noker's Current QueryToday we have Todd Noker's query for his current YA novel TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS.<br />
<br />
<b>Here's the letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear (Agent),<br />
<br />
Seventeen-year-old Preston is on a journey to find his older brother, the only family he has left after his mother disappeared on a drug binge. Searching among the homeless teen subculture of Salt Lake City, Preston is witness to drug overdoses, and ultimately befriends Zack, who sells his body to survive. When Zack disappears after a tryst with a customer, Preston plans his revenge to even the score. But the man has plenty of experience of his own, and Preston is locked in a situation where he might also be consumed in the same way as Zack—if he survives the date at all.<br />
<br />
Terms of the Innocents is a 61,000 word YA manuscript that, while having a sarcastic tone, is gritty and intense. Preston is a compassionate wise-ass who feels that he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters, but eventually learns he is just like them. An earlier version of this novel won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.<br />
<br />
I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.<br />
<br />
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Todd Noker<br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please thank Todd for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-75472537610006580152017-02-24T09:00:00.000-05:002017-02-24T12:20:30.273-05:00Abhinav Bhat's Current Query CritiquedToday we have Abhinav's query again, this time with my thoughts, in <span style="color: #3d85c6;">blue</span>.<br />
<br />
<b>Here's the letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent<br />
<br />
Indy Ramsay has trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps <span style="color: #3d85c6;">What is this? Corps makes it sound pretty militaristic. Is this Empire under military control? Or this more like a congress of leaders? The word council helps, but it would be great if you could get even more specific. This is actually pretty nit-picky of me, to be honest, but your opening is quite good, so it's difficult to find things that can be improved upon.</span> that runs the Ever Empire. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I really like this name. It rolls smoothly off the tongue. </span>Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Is this a bit too on the nose? This is a word, albeit a kind of archaic one, but I'm sure you know that. Hard to judge from the query, but I'm sure it works in the book.</span> who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy. Hmm. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Wow. Now that's a twist I didn't see coming.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">All in all, this is a really good opening. You introduce Indy right away, and you subtly and skillfully set up her backstory so that we know what kind of person she is (ambitious, dutiful, honor-bound). If I was to nit-pick one big picture item about this opening, it would probably be that we don't really have a major reason to sympathize with Indy right away. I mean, you do kind of set up this nice conflict where her dreams are suddenly torn away from her, but it would be nice to get one more element of her character that was clearly sympathetic, so that we could root for her from the very beginning.</span><br />
<br />
The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; <span style="color: #3d85c6;">What does this mean? Like literally? Physically under siege? This is vague. Vague language is the greatest enemy of a good query. </span>the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament <span style="color: #3d85c6;">So there's a Reverend Council and a Parliament? Or is the Parliament just the building the Council meets in? For the most part this is all very good, but this part is a bit confusing.</span> stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Wait, what? I though Indy was a girl? Is this some other character?</span><br />
<br />
He will get his grandson back, he is told, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">By whom? The unknown enemy? Unless there's some specific plot twist reason not to reveal this detail in the query, don't hold back.</span> if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Man, this is some great conflict and a truly sadistic choice.</span> Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Whoa. Now this sounds cool.</span> Let them save whoever they can.<br />
<br />
Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Ah, okay. So it's two different characters. Got it.</span> Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Again, this is vague. We have no idea who these antagonists are.</span> and learn of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.<br />
<br />
Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her.<br />
<br />
She will live by it. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might <span style="color: #3d85c6;">We have no idea what this means. Be specific. Is it an army?</span> to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Oh, interesting twist, this.</span> she will save the Empire at any cost.<br />
<br />
Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself? <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Nice.</span><br />
<br />
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is great.</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">One more detail that might help, since the query isn't clear on this, is whether this book is narrated from their alternating points of view. If I had to guess, I would say it probably is, because A) Indy is a teenager and if it was just her it would be a young adult novel most likely, and B) the query seems to point to a good deal of the story being about Eldritch, with no involvement from Indy. It can sometimes help to clarify that her in your housekeeping section, but it's not necessarily required.</span><br />
<br />
I have had a short story titled "Blah Blah Blah" published in <strike>Apex Magazine</strike> <i><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Apex Magazine</span></i> in 2016. <strike>This is my first novel</strike>. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">You don't need this.</span><br />
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Abhinav Bhat<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">In summary, this query is already quite good. The opening is especially strong. There is a good deal of vague language in the middle, but you finish up strong, and I think if you clarified a few things in the middle, you'd be in excellent shape, and would probably get a high rate of requests if you started sending this out.</span><br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-54113237815766471222017-02-23T09:00:00.000-05:002017-02-23T10:43:40.204-05:00Abhinav Bhat's Current QueryToday we have Abhinav Bhat's query for his current Adult Fantasy project THE BURNT STATE.<br />
<br />
<b>Here's the letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent<br />
<br />
Indy Ramsay has trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.<br />
<br />
The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson.<br />
<br />
He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.<br />
<br />
Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.<br />
<br />
Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her.<br />
<br />
She will live by it. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.<br />
<br />
Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?<br />
<br />
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.<br />
<br />
I have had a short story titled "Blah Blah Blah" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. This is my first novel.<br />
<br />
Thank you for your time and consideration.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Abhinav Bhat<br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please thank Abhinav for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-88477348942436730792016-11-04T07:00:00.000-04:002016-11-04T10:59:08.236-04:00Colleen Fackler's Current Query CritiquedToday we have Colleen Fackler's current query for her Picture Book GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH.<br />
<br />
<b>The query:</b><br />
<br />
Dear FULL NAME:<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">This may very from agent to agent, because after all, agents are human beings, but it would be most professional, in a cold query email, to refer to the agent as Ms. LAST NAME or Mr. LAST NAME. If they reply to you at some point and sign it with just their first name, it's fine to start referring to them by their first name, but until then, use Mr. or Ms.</span><br />
<br />
Below is Good Guy Meets Schmoosh, my 500-word picture book for your consideration.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">What does this mean? Are you trying to point out that the entire text of the book is included below? If so, mention that below, not here (and be sure to adhere to submission guidelines for the agency, to make sure they allow the entire text to be included). If not, and this is just some sort of introductory line to your query, skip it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I <i>would</i> recommend you use this space, however, to introduce why you're querying that specific agent. Obviously you can't include it here, because this is a generic letter, but if you are querying a particular agent because of a specific book or author they have represented, or because you met them at a conference, or because you read a blog post of theirs you liked, be sure to mention that.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>Good Guy Meets Schmoosh</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH</span> is the heartwarming <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This reads as a little pretentious to me. I don't know, maybe "heartwarming" is a category for PBs, like "Sweet Romance" or something, but calling something you wrote "heartwarming" just makes me cringe a little. The entire text of the story is included, right? Maybe let the agent decide if it's heartwarming. Unless that's a category thing for PBs. If so, ignore me.</span> story of Guy, a young boy who is rewarded by his parents for his consistently moral behavior <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Don't take this the wrong way, but that's the driest character description I've seen in a query in a while. "Consistent Moral Behavior," sounds like something that would be fitted to a rubber stamp that would go down on "Your Permanent Record." Can you be more specific? And colorful? I realize this is a picture book, so there's not a lot in the way of character arc going on, but this reads very dry. I'll say more below.</span> with the opportunity to purchase a puppy. On his way to the pet store, Guy spots a stray dog that he cannot stop thinking about, even once faced with puppies galore. His mom, initially concerned with the potential danger associated with rescuing a dog, is hesitant to introduce Guy to a stray, but soon realizes that Guy wants nothing more than to save Schmoosh from a lonely life on the streets.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Okay, so much of this is actually pretty good. I realize that PBs are very compact by way of plot, and leave little room for things like characterization, but you've actually got some good stuff going here, both in terms of the mom, and in terms of Guy. I would probably only recommend (and keep in mind, as I said in our emails, that my expertise, if you can call it that, with query letters really lies more int he realm of YA and MG novel length works, so I could easily be wrong about the "rules" for Picture Books), that in general, story is story, and when it comes to queries, there are three things which are the most important (actually only two, but I'll get to that).</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">CHARACTER. When we read, all of us who are human at least, we want to be entertained, sure, but mostly we want to <i>care</i>. Give us someone to care about, and we will follow you anywhere. So, with that being said, the most important thing any query letter can do is introduce us to a complex, sympathetic, interesting character (protagonist) that we can immediately begin to care about and root for right away. You have Guy here, and with his reaction to the stray on the street I do like him, but get that Save the Cat moment (or some other likable moment) introduced in the query right away. In other words, do away with "Consistent Moral Behavior," and come up with something better. Something more specific, more vivid, and more interesting (but unlike the moment with the stray, this is something from his backstory, something that makes him GOOD Guy, rather than just Guy). Obviously this won't be something actually from the book, since this is a 500 word PB, but it can be something very basic, as long as its not vague. Vagueness is the number one aspect that can make a good story into a poor query.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">CONFLICT. When you take a character the reader cares about, and throw them into some conflict, that's when it becomes a <i>story</i>. The character must overcome something in order to make their narrative interesting. You've clearly got that here, with the decision between purchasing a pet store puppy and saving a stray from the street who needs a home, and I actually think you nail it quite well here. It's simple, it's straightforward, it's the kind of decision many many people have faced.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">CHOICE. In a query for a novel length work, it's relatively standard to wrap up with what's known as a <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SadisticChoice">sadistic choice</a> [Fair Warning that's a link to a TV Tropes article. You've been warned]. I don't know that that's really a requirement for Picture Books, but you've actually got one built in here already. At least, it's implied. You might consider laying it out specifically, the difficult choice Guy must make between an adorable Poky Little Puppy, and and good family-less dog named Schmoosh who truly needs his love, and what some of the implications of that choice are, but I would also say if you left it how you have it now it's not bad.</span><br />
<br />
Each year, of the 7.5 million animals that even make it into rescue shelters, 2.7 million are euthanized. A stigma of poor upbringing and therefore danger and illness is often associated with rescuing a homeless animal. Families often opt to buy puppies or kittens from breeders instead. Good Guy Meets Schmoosh aims to kick this reputation to the curb. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is mostly good. I would do a little research on the phrase "kicked to the curb," though. I'm not sure it fits that well with the aesthetic of the rest of this letter.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is my first children’s book. I am 30 years old, I just had my first child in July, and</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">CUT THIS.</span> I have worked in the media industry for 12 years. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Doing what? </span><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Be SPECIFIC.</span> I have been published in the form of editorials, church bulletins, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">If you can't list specific magazine titles (which would go in <i>italics </i>for titles of published works, then skip this).</span> <strike>and work-related POV’s</strike>, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">I have no idea what this means. Cut it.</span> <strike>but I always only written poetry as an outlet.</strike> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Cut. I'll explain below.</span> As a rescue dog mom myself, if the success of this book saves even just one homeless animal’s life, it was worth my time. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is pretty good. Keep this last line.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a first time author. Agents sign them every day. If you have excellent and extensive writing credentials, and dozens of magazine article and short story credits to your name, that's great. But if you don't, don't worry about it. No biography, no matter how good it is, is going to sell a bad story. If you're a first time author, let your story speak for itself.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>This is a multiple submission.</strike><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> Nope. Cut. This is understood to be implied. If an agency's (or an agent's) submission guidelines specifically ask for exclusive submissions, then send a query only to that agent if you want them to represent you. Do not query anyone else until you have heard back from them. But weigh this choice against your other options, of course, and don't give them forever.</span> I truly look forward to your feedback and I thank you kindly for your review and consideration.<br />
<br />
Respectfully,<br />
<br />
Colleen M. Fackler<br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please share your thoughts and feedback below.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-44340274136189471502016-11-03T07:00:00.000-04:002016-11-04T07:15:23.973-04:00Colleen Fackler's Current QueryToday we have Colleen Fackler's query for her current PB project GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH.<br />
<br />
<b>Here's the letter:</b><br />
<br />
Dear FULL NAME:<br />
<br />
Below is Good Guy Meets Schmoosh, my 500-word picture book for your consideration.<br />
<br />
Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is the heartwarming story of Guy, a young boy who is rewarded by his parents for his consistently moral behavior with the opportunity to purchase a puppy. On his way to the pet store, Guy spots a stray dog that he cannot stop thinking about, even once faced with puppies galore. His mom, initially concerned with the potential danger associated with rescuing a dog, is hesitant to introduce Guy to a stray, but soon realizes that Guy wants nothing more than to save Schmoosh from a lonely life on the streets.<br />
<br />
Each year, of the 7.5 million animals that even make it into rescue shelters, 2.7 million are euthanized. A stigma of poor upbringing and therefore danger and illness is often associated with rescuing a homeless animal. Families often opt to buy puppies or kittens from breeders instead. Good Guy Meets Schmoosh aims to kick this reputation to the curb. <br />
<br />
Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is my first children’s book. I am 30 years old, I just had my first child in July, and I have worked in the media industry for 12 years. I have been published in the form of editorials, church bulletins, and work-related POV’s, but I always only written poetry as an outlet. As a rescue dog mom myself, if the success of this book saves even just one homeless animal’s life, it was worth my time.<br />
<br />
This is a multiple submission. I truly look forward to your feedback and I thank you kindly for your review and consideration.<br />
<br />
Respectfully,<br />
<br />
Colleen M. Fackler<br />
<br />
<b>GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH (a snippet)</b><br />
<br />
On a little city street,<br />
Where buses would pass by,<br />
Lived a young and stellar lad<br />
Whose parents named him Guy.<br />
He always did the right thing<br />
Or at least he’d try,<br />
And when his neighbors would see him, they’d wave<br />
And say, “there goes that Good Guy!”<br />
Because their son behaved so well<br />
His parents finally agreed<br />
Guy could pick out a dog of his choice<br />
Any age, any breed!<br />
Guy decided that getting a puppy<br />
Would surely make him content.<br />
So on a cloudy Saturday,<br />
Off to the pet store they went.<br />
As they waited at a light,<br />
Guy began to stare<br />
At a dog he’d seen before<br />
With no owner to care.<br />
It appeared he had no tags<br />
A blanket, but no bed.<br />
And by the looks of his frailty<br />
He clearly hadn’t been fed.<br />
“I think that dog could use some help<br />
Could you pull over Mom, please?”<br />
“I think we better keep going, Guy.<br />
That dog could have a disease.”<br />
They drove along and Guy did try<br />
To forget the dog on the street<br />
Instead he tried to focus on<br />
The puppies he would meet!<br />
<br />
<b>That's it!</b><br />
<br />
Please thank Colleen for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-86467427872516479902016-09-08T06:00:00.000-04:002016-09-08T07:27:41.522-04:00Minki Pool's Current Query CritiquedToday we have Minki Pool's current query for her Spec Fic novel SPADILLE. Be sure to check out Minki's <a href="http://www.minkipool.co.za/">website</a>.<br />
<br />
<b>The query:</b><br />
<br />
After the death <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Suicide? Murder? Freak Accident? Be specific.</span> of his twin sister, Christopher Langley <span style="color: #3d85c6;">WHO IS CHRIS? I mean, we can assume he's an adult male, since you don't call this book YA in your housekeeping details below, but what kind of person is he? Why should we care about whether or not he achieves his goals? Why should we root for him? Even just a little bit goes a long way. Have you seen Mr. Robot? The protagonist in that show, Elliot, is not the most likable guy at the beginning, but we root for him. We care about him because he is vulnerable, and while he isn't perfect, he tries to do what he thinks is right. You have to introduce us to Christopher the CHARACTER before you introduce us to Christopher's STORY, or we won't have a vested interest in whether or not he succeeds. Right now the biggest problem with this query is the lack of a sense of CHARACTER.</span> spends his nights hacking the multi-player virtual reality dream world of Spadille, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is going to be very difficult to describe in a query. I'm sure it makes sense in the book, but it's not clear here how this works. Is Spadille a game? A dream? A virtual reality? I get the feeling it's all three, but you need to try to make it clearer how that works. Is there data stored on a server somewhere? On many servers? There kind of has to be in order for Christopher to be able to hack it. Or is it more like a neural network, or something newer and stranger? Try to watch and read in this genre, to see how other creators have dealt with this. Read and watch stories like STRANGE DAYS and NEUROMANCER and so on.</span> looking for answers. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Answers to what? And why would Spadille have them? I get that you probably mean answers to why his sister (killed herself, was murdered, etc.) but the reader has no idea why answers to those questions would be somehow kept in Spadille.</span> But then he gets caught and has to cut a sinister deal to stay out of prison: he must hack into Spadille one last time and kill its Goddess Queen, Desiderata. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is pretty damn good. A great inciting incident that's still a bit WTF because we don't know how a lot of this works, but this is really specific, and sets up a very interesting concept of an antagonist.</span><br />
<br />
It sounds easy enough, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Not to me. Maybe the hacking part, since he's done it before, and will now be sanctioned (I assume, by whoever caught him, the government? Or something?) but the killing part doesn't sound so easy. Unless, I guess, she's just a program like agents in THE MATRIX? Either way, I would suggest you maybe touch on something about why killing her sounds easy.</span> until he finds himself holding his partner’s <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Why this word? Do you not mean girlfriend? Lover? Partner feels cold and clinical, but if that's really what you mean, it might help clarify their relationship.</span> avatar as she bleeds to death in the dream. He has never met her in real life, but when he wakes up, he is covered in blood. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Again, this is really good. Keep this.</span><br />
<br />
Chris investigates his partner’s fate, but instead ends up responsible for a dream junkie called Myr. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">How?</span> Myr’s addiction has destroyed her career and her health <span style="color: #3d85c6;">in the waking world (or something like that?)</span>, but in Spadille she is a revered handmaiden of the Goddess Queen. Chris hopes to use Myr in order to finally get to Desiderata, but it looks like Desiderata has become more powerful than any one human <span style="color: #3d85c6;">As opposed to someone from another species? Just cut the word human, unless there really are aliens in this story.</span> can handle. <br />
<br />
Every night, through wireless oneirotech implanted into the brain, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">THIS. Put this up above. Now the details and specs of how Spadille works make sense.</span> millions of people log into Spadille as they go to sleep. Every morning all of their dreams are consolidated and televised like an endless soap opera. The dream is big, it is popular, and through the oneirotech Desiderata has found a way to download her religion straight into the minds of all the dreamers. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This probably goes on a bit long, but this is strong. If you can make this more concise, this would fit really well coming earlier.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>More and more people are starting to worship her, and their blind belief is bringing the dream to life. Their conviction is somehow turning Spadille into an alternate reality that threatens to become more real than the original</strike>. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Cut all of this.</span><br />
<br />
Neither Chris nor Myr knows whether Desiderata is a <span style="background-color: #3d85c6;">human avatar with incredible power, an intelligent virus</span>, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Again, make this point above.</span> or something even more sinister, but they know that if they don’t manage to kill her, the very fabric of reality may be at stake. <br />
<br />
In Spadille Chris and Myr are enemies, but in real life they are allies on the verge of becoming friends. Now they have to decide whether they are willing to sacrifice each other, the dream, or even themselves, for a reality that has never given them anything. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">This is pretty good as choices go, but at this point this query is far too long and you need to start cutting.</span><br />
<br />
SPADILLE, a novel of speculative fiction, is complete at 102 000 words. <br />
<br />
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">This query is 373 words long. That's too long. Try to cut it to 250 if you can, but definitely under 300. I get that it's difficult to pare this stuff down, and I know I've harped on specificity with you when we've worked on this before, but you're really treading into synopsis territory here.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</span> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">CHARACTER, CONFLICT, CHOICE. That's all you need. You don't even HAVE to have CHOICE, but it's pretty standard for most queries to end with a <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SadisticChoice">sadistic choice</a> of some kind, so agents are used to seeing it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">That said, this is getting much, much better. You've got details of the world and details of the characters in here that you did not before, and this is really starting to come together. It's clear you listened to me about specificity, and although that makes many improvements here, it also means you're sharing too much with the reader in this query. Remember, a query has only one job: to get the agent's assistant to read the pages, or request some if the agency's guidelines don't allow pages to be included. That means entice the reader, but also get it over with quickly.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Here are your beats:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Chris, a lonely hacker with no relationships to speak of outside the virtual reality, loses his twin sister to (some kind of death).</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6;">He gets caught hacking, and turns spy.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6;">His in game partner dies, and her death somehow leaks into the real world.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6;">He meets Myr (more on how this works or why it happens would help).</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Together they must decide how to take down Desiderata (great reference by the way, I assume you know the </span><a href="http://mwkworks.com/desiderata.html">poem</a><span style="color: #3d85c6;">?).</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">That's it. I mean, at least as far as plot points go, that's all you need to touch on. Anything else is too much.</span><br />
<br />
<b>That's it.</b><br />
<br />
What do you all think? Would you disagree on anything?<br />
<br />
<b>The query, again, so you can see it without my notes.</b><br />
<br />
After the death of his twin sister, Christopher Langley spends his nights hacking the multi-player virtual reality dream world of Spadille, looking for answers. But then he gets caught and has to cut a sinister deal to stay out of prison: he must hack into Spadille one last time and kill its Goddess Queen, Desiderata. <br />
<br />
It sounds easy enough, until he finds himself holding his partner’s avatar as she bleeds to death in the dream. He has never met her in real life, but when he wakes up, he is covered in blood.<br />
<br />
Chris investigates his partner’s fate, but instead ends up responsible for a dream junkie called Myr. Myr’s addiction has destroyed her career and her health, but in Spadille she is a revered handmaiden of the Goddess Queen. Chris hopes to use Myr in order to finally get to Desiderata, but it looks like Desiderata has become more powerful than any one human can handle.<br />
<br />
Every night, through wireless oneirotech implanted into the brain, millions of people log into Spadille as they go to sleep. Every morning all of their dreams are consolidated and televised like an endless soap opera. The dream is big, it is popular, and through the oneirotech Desiderata has found a way to download her religion straight into the minds of all the dreamers. <br />
<br />
More and more people are starting to worship her, and their blind belief is bringing the dream to life. Their conviction is somehow turning Spadille into an alternate reality that threatens to become more real than the original. <br />
<br />
Neither Chris nor Myr knows whether Desiderata is a human avatar with incredible power, an intelligent virus, or something even more sinister, but they know that if they don’t manage to kill her, the very fabric of reality may be at stake. <br />
<br />
In Spadille Chris and Myr are enemies, but in real life they are allies on the verge of becoming friends. Now they have to decide whether they are willing to sacrifice each other, the dream, or even themselves, for a reality that has never given them anything.<br />
<br />
SPADILLE, a novel of speculative fiction, is complete at 102 000 words. <br />
<br />
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration. <br />
<br />
<b>Now that's really it.</b>Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-53094710256638086472016-07-29T10:00:00.000-04:002016-07-29T10:21:29.365-04:00Review of The Memory of Things, by Gae Polisner<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Before I get started on my review, here is the jacket copy, from <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28220960-the-memory-of-things">Goodreads</a>:<br />
<br />
<i>The powerful story of two teenagers finding friendship, comfort, and first love in the days following 9/11 as their fractured city tries to put itself back together.<br />
<br />
On the morning of September 11, 2001, sixteen-year-old Kyle Donohue watches the first twin tower come down from the window of Stuyvesant High School. Moments later, terrified and fleeing home to safety across the Brooklyn Bridge, he stumbles across a girl perched in the shadows. She is covered in ash and wearing a pair of costume wings. With his mother and sister in California and unable to reach his father, a New York City detective likely on his way to the disaster, Kyle makes the split-second decision to bring the girl home. What follows is their story, told in alternating points of view, as Kyle tries to unravel the mystery of the girl so he can return her to her family. But what if the girl has forgotten everything, even her own name? And what if the more Kyle gets to know her, the less he wants her to go home? The Memory of Things tells a stunning story of friendship and first love and of carrying on with our day-to-day living in the midst of world-changing tragedy and unforgettable pain—it tells a story of hope.</i><br />
<br />
THE MEMORY OF THINGS, by Gae Polisner is one of the best young adult novels I have ever read. It's poignant, and powerful, and oh so painful. It's told in this brilliant kind of uneven, stumbling rhythm to the prose that would probably ruin the pacing of most stories, but works wonders for this tale, leaving you feeling like you're reading wounded, crawling haphazardly away from the wreckage of your own despair.<br />
<br />
We all remember 9/11, but there are many points view through which that horror can be recalled, and Kyle and his silent, nameless friend's are simultaneously two of the most harrowing and deeply moving lenses through which to recall those memories. This isn't so much a story about that disaster, or about tragedy in general, as it is a story about hope, and how the power of human kindness, and the resilience of mankind's spirit allows us to survive almost anything, and then, with time, eventually heal.<br /><br />It's not the most exciting or epic tale, told almost exclusively from Kyle and his friend's points of view, almost the only two characters in the novel with speaking parts, and it almost all takes place in side of Kyle's little apartment in Brooklyn, and yet the emotions and the truths and the interactions of the characters are as grand and as sweeping, and more importantly-as authentic, as any narrative.<br />
<br />
Anyway, assuming, with the obvious caveat of the potential trigger warning for anyone who lived through it, I simply cannot recommend this book highly enough. It touched me deeply, and I believe it will move you too.<br />
<br />
You can find out more about Gae Polisner, on:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://gaepolisner.com/">Her Website</a> | <a href="https://twitter.com/gaepol">Twitter</a> | <a href="http://ghpolisner.blogspot.com/">Her Blog</a> | <a href="https://www.facebook.com/gaepolisnerauthor">Her Facebook Page</a></div>
Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-15245637870292853562016-06-21T06:00:00.000-04:002016-06-21T06:00:23.363-04:00Izanami's Choice, by Adam Heine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Well, it's been almost a year since I blogged, but this great book by my friend <a href="http://www.adamheine.com/">Adam Heine</a> is now available for pre-order, and I wanted to tell some people about it, in case anyone still reads this thing. Here's the jacket copy from <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30209419-izanami-s-choice">Goodreads</a>:<br />
<br />
<i>Samurai Vs. Robots.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Progress. </i><i>Murder. Choice.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>In 1901, the Meiji Restoration has abolished the old ways and ushered in a cybernetic revolution. Androids integrate into society at all levels, following their programming for the betterment of every citizen, as servants, bodyguards, and bureaucrats. Jinzou are the future. Japan is at the threshold of a new tomorrow!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>As a ronin steeped in the old ways, Itaru wants nothing more to do with the artificial creations posing as human. But when a jinzou is suspected of murder, he's pulled into a mystery that could tear the nation apart.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Malfunction or free will? When is a machine more than just a machine?</i><br />
<br />
I always enjoy Adam's writing, but this story in particular captured my attention with its lush retro-future Japan setting, and its ability to ask compelling questions about androids, artificial intelligence, and morality without gumming up the story works of pacing, action, and intrigue.<br />
<br />
It's full of combat, and adventure, and escapes, and murderous robots, and just enough mystery to keep you guessing what everyone (and every droid and AI) is up to right up until the end.<br />
<br />
I had the good fortune to read an early version of this Novella, and it doesn't come out officially until September 1st, but you can pre-order it now, and there may be some advance e-galleys available for those willing to write an honest review.<br />
<br />
You should definitely get your hands on it one way or the other if it sounds like your kind of thing.<br />
<br />
Find it on: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Izanamis-Choice-Adam-Heine/dp/1940372216?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0">Amazon</a> | <a href="http://www.brokeneyebooks.com/store/c14/Izanami's_Choice.html">Broken Eye Books</a> | <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30209419-izanami-s-choice">Goodreads</a>Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-82778974268603990162015-08-24T06:00:00.000-04:002015-08-24T07:42:21.121-04:00Is This Thing On?If anyone still comes here, I'm over at <a href="http://project-middle-grade-mayhem.blogspot.com/">Project Mayhem</a> for the last time in a while today, so please <a href="http://project-middle-grade-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-hugos-and-kidlit-by-matthew-macnish.html">stop by</a> if you have a moment.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-10012175294751775102015-06-25T06:00:00.000-04:002015-06-25T06:25:03.846-04:00Blazing Courage over at Project MayhemI'm actually blogging today! Can you believe it? I know, I know. Don't get me started.<br />
<br />
Please just drop on by <a href="http://project-middle-grade-mayhem.blogspot.com/">Project Middle Grade Mayhem</a>, and take a gander at my <a href="http://project-middle-grade-mayhem.blogspot.com/2015/06/blazing-courage-by-kelly-milner-halls.html">post</a> about Kelly Milner Halls' debut MG novel, <i>Blazing Courage</i>.Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-33144659209106858792015-05-10T00:37:00.001-04:002015-05-10T00:37:59.577-04:0010 Truths from Chicago Land1) Christa Desir is the best hugger I have ever met. Seriously. I had formerly considered myself the master of the long, poignant embrace, but she killed me. With style and grace.<br />
<br />
2) Ted Goeglein is a certified bad ass. Richard Price would call him a Do Anything Soldier. A Dolja.<br />
<br />
3) Andrew Smith is the most sensitive man I know. I love this man.<br />
<br />
4) Carrie Mesrobian is my TV Show soulmate. She writes exactly the kind of books I love to read.<br />
<br />
5) Amy Del Rosso does not know quite how awesome she is. She also bows out way too early.<br />
<br />
6) I love Chicago. Chicago rain tastes like sweet summer wine.<br />
<br />
7) Christa called me a really talented writer when she introduced me to her friend. I did not know whether to pump my fist or cry.<br />
<br />
8) Twitter is like the lunch room in middle school: the worst of humanity, and the world's most evil and terrifying place (now trumping the former champion, Goodreads).<br />
<br />
9) Sabaa Tahir is really fucking sharp.<br />
<br />
10) Book people are the best people in the world.<br />
<br />
Sadly: I forgot to get a photo with Ted.<br />
Sadly: I also forgot to get a new photo with Andrew.<br />
Happily: here is me and Christa and Carrie:<br />
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Bonus: John Green, the sly bastard, somehow managed to photobomb my selfie:<br />
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Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-15447505951007638232015-05-04T06:00:00.000-04:002015-05-04T09:58:07.874-04:002015 A to Z Blogging Challenge Reflections<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJA5vnRR9-wDgZ8xpZZaech7IYYe8qCPvTceyHyO_APGNsL1HMT7a7yBOPxXmWbrSfry0gNb2QAhFNw7IwUBx2w2U9ShjL2JaoCbP9lFgpvdUQCGcL-oQcJ3Pc47y0mzUwpW3Do29lD_TJ/s1600/A-to-Z+Reflection+%5B2015%5D+-+Lg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJA5vnRR9-wDgZ8xpZZaech7IYYe8qCPvTceyHyO_APGNsL1HMT7a7yBOPxXmWbrSfry0gNb2QAhFNw7IwUBx2w2U9ShjL2JaoCbP9lFgpvdUQCGcL-oQcJ3Pc47y0mzUwpW3Do29lD_TJ/s400/A-to-Z+Reflection+%5B2015%5D+-+Lg.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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The A to Z Reflections Post is a post presented on your own blog site giving the A to Z Team, the other Challenge participants, and any other readers your thoughts about this year's April Challenge.<br />
<br />
We are looking for feedback about the Challenge. Tell us what you liked and didn't like, what worked and what didn't. If you have suggestions about making future A to Z Challenges better, this is a good time to let us know. You can highlight other bloggers who you felt did an outstanding job or direct us to specific posts that particularly impressed you or that you found to be very helpful.<br />
<br />
In other words, we want to know how the A to Z Team did and how the Challenge worked for you. If you'd do it again, tell us why. If you would never consider A to Z again, let us know what would make you feel that way.<br />
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<b>Please put up your Reflections post between now and Friday, May 8</b>. AFTER your post has gone live, add the link to the Linky List below. Enter the link that goes DIRECTLY to your Reflections post and not your general blog address. The list will be accessible for the remainder of this year. Be sure to grab the badge.<br />
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<!-- end LinkyTools script -->Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-27922915905905547662015-04-30T06:00:00.000-04:002015-04-30T06:00:00.396-04:00A to Z Challenge 2015: Z - World War Z<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDthNjmsWnCxwqh1uaBrlPx5qSyuItwEVRy6-03pKwd4xHtRlBwoNOu-UvxZyNTbclAUb3LcrTh8Inv9cTVNN2aqcT4g__uNH4bZLzcp9TjNRalahxu7REd3APSM4lNwxoNAqWum7H-Ppu/s1600/Z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDthNjmsWnCxwqh1uaBrlPx5qSyuItwEVRy6-03pKwd4xHtRlBwoNOu-UvxZyNTbclAUb3LcrTh8Inv9cTVNN2aqcT4g__uNH4bZLzcp9TjNRalahxu7REd3APSM4lNwxoNAqWum7H-Ppu/s320/Z.jpg" /></a></div>
This is it! The final day.<br />
<br />
The final letter.<br />
<br />
Today's 2015 April A to Z Blogging Challenge story for the letter Z:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>World War Z</b></span></div>
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Here's the summary from <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711/">IMDB</a>:<br />
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<i>United Nations employee Gerry Lane traverses the world in a race against time to stop the Zombie pandemic that is toppling armies and governments, and threatening to destroy humanity itself.</i><br />
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Director: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0286975/?ref_=tt_ov_dr">Marc Forster</a><br />
Writers: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1996352/?ref_=tt_ov_wr">Matthew Michael Carnahan</a> (screenplay), <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1206844/?ref_=tt_ov_wr">Drew Goddard</a> (screenplay), <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0112150/?ref_=ttfc_fc_wr6">Max Brooks</a> (novel)<br />
Stars: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000093/?ref_=tt_ov_st">Brad Pitt</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0257969/?ref_=tt_ov_st">Mireille Enos</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2020146/?ref_=tt_ov_st">Daniella Kertesz</a><br />
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That's it! You made it! Congratulations!Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-5958411623914651832015-04-29T06:00:00.000-04:002015-04-30T05:43:37.089-04:00A to Z Challenge 2015: Y - Yummy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1274496810l/3239487.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1274496810l/3239487.jpg" /></a></div>
Almost there! <br />
<br />
Only one more day! <br />
<br />
If you've made it this far, you might as well start celebrating.<br />
<br />
This is a graphic novel I haven't actually read yet, but I've read other volumes of Neri's work, and he's a very talented author.<br />
<br />
So, today's 2015 April A to Z Blogging Challenge story for the letter Y:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Yummy</b></span></div>
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Here is the summary, from <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3239487-yummy">Goodreads</a>:<br />
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<i>In August of 1994, 11-year-old Robert “Yummy” Sandifer — nicknamed for his love of sweets — fired a gun at a group of rival gangmembers, accidentally killing a neighborhood girl, Shavon Dean. Police searched Chicago’s southside for three days before finding Yummy dead in a railway tunnel, killed by members of the drug gang he’d sought to impress. The story made such an impact that Yummy appeared on the cover of TIME magazine, drawing national attention to the problems of inner city youth in America.</i><br />
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Yummy: The Last Days of a Southside Shorty <i>relives the confusion of these traumatic days from the point of view of Roger, a neighborhood boy who struggles to understand the senseless violence swirling through the streets around him. Awakened by the tragedy, Roger seeks out answers to difficult questions — was Yummy a killer or a victim? Was he responsible for his actions or are others to blame?</i><br />
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Author: <a href="http://www.gregneri.com/home/">G. Neri</a><br />
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That's it! Please come back tomorrow for the final day!Matthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.com10