Step Two

Hi. My name is Matthew and I'm a blogaholic.

I can't stop reading and commenting on blogs. I get a huge adrenaline rush when a blogger responds to one of my comments.

Today I am on Step Two.

I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. His name is Nathan Bransford.

Tomorrow I may share about Step Three.

Disclaimer: This post is satirical. It is not meant to offend anyone, or to belittle the integrity of 12 Step Programs anywhere, which have saved countless lives since their inception.

That is all.

Blogaholics Anonymous

Hi. My name is Matthew and I'm a blogaholic.

My drug of choice is comments but I also fiend for followers. You can often find me on the corner at 5 am, trolling for guest posts.

Today I am on Step One.

I admit that I am powerless over blogging and that my life has become unmanageable.

Tomorrow I'll share about Step Two.

Disclaimer: This post is satirical. It is not meant to offend anyone, or to belittle the integrity of 12 Step Programs anywhere, which have saved countless lives since their inception.

That is all.

Katherine Camp Interview

I can't believe this week is over. I've had a great time hosting Katherine and her query for DRAGONSAYER and my hope is that she's learned a lot. I know I have.

Now we're going to take a little time to get to know Katherine better. By way of author interview. If this happens to be your first day here this week be sure to visit Katherine's blog and become a follower.

Now, to the questions!

When did you first decide you wanted to be a writer?

I’ve always loved storytelling. I made up my first story when I was 6 about these people who lived on a prehistoric island with dinosaurs, and they had to hide in a network of caves and store up food for the winter when the T Rexes attacked. I started writing stuff down and telling people I wanted to be a writer at age 8.

How long have you been writing seriously?

I began writing with the intent to publish about 3 years ago. DRAGONSAYER is the 4th novel I finished, and the 2nd I queried.

What is your favorite thing about writing?

Being finished with the book… haha. Actually, I love creating worlds and characters and then seeing how other people breathe life into those things as they enjoy them. Someone cried once reading something I wrote, and that stunned me. It was amazing to move someone that deeply. That’s my favorite part.

What is the most difficult part?

Probably the writing itself. I am a champion procrastinator and I have a very, very short attention span, like a squirrel.

Did you ever play Dungeons and Dragons, the real pen and paper tabletop game?

My husband used to be a devoted D&D player in college, but I’ve never played. We haven’t been able to get a group together. I get to keep my geek card though b/c I have a WoW account. Also I play a lot of geeky board games like Settlers of Cataan.

What about computer or video games based on Dungeons and Dragons?

I played a lot of PC games as a kid, but I’m actually more of a sci fi person than a fantasy person. I played a lot of Star Wars PC/video games … I really like technology and the challenges it introduces.

Ooh I hope you played Knights of the Old Republic. Both iterations are two of my favorite all time games, on X-Box, PC or anything.

If you had to meet one of your characters in a dark alley who would you last want to meet, and why?

Anabis, one of the Seekers. They’re like evil Jedi/wizards plus mind control.

And which character would you want there with you for protection?

Kael, the leader of the Monarchist “task force.” He has enough magical ability to give him an edge in his reflexes, and he’s an excellent physical fighter. But he acts bookish and quiet, so people underestimate him initially and that gives him the advantage. Also he’s a good-looking dude.

Can you tell us a little more about DRAGONSAYER than what is revealed in your query? For example, a little about your characters, where the idea of them came from, what sparked your initial idea, and how you decided what genre it would be?

I first made up Kael and Briand when I was 17, and since then the story’s evolved a lot. There’s a bunch of characters… Kael is a member of the Monarchists. He’s made some mistakes and he’s sort of in trouble, so he’s been sent on this crazy mission to find this person who can control dragons.

Briand is this kid who Kael & Co knew while they were looking for the dragonsayer. Then she turns out to be the dragonsayer, much to everyone’s surprise/dismay. In my mind, the story is both about Briand finding her own strength/figuring herself out as well as being vindicated in the eyes of the group who doesn’t trust her or like her at first.

There’s a bunch of other characters—my favorite is Tagis, a snarky, insult-wielding fencing tutor/Monarchist rebel who HATES Briand but ends up having to teach her to fight.

Eventually when the Seekers ambush them, Briand has to make some choices about whether she’s going to save her own skin or help these people who used her. I really like stories about enemies who become friends, so that’s sort of what I’m going for with DRAGONSAYER.

Are you working on any other projects right now? If so, could you tell us a little about them? If not, have you got any ideas marinating?

After writing DRAGONSAYER I wrote three other books while I was query/waiting on replies, one of which is a DRAGONSAYER sequel called CROWNBRINGER. I tried to make DRAGONSAYER stand-alone since I have no guarantee I could sell 3 books even if I sold the 1st one, but ideally it would have sequels, so I plotted them out and stuff. I am currently working on a sci fi dystopian thriller and another fantasy that’s more of a secret spy/court intrigue involving shape shifters and assassins.

I tend to write very fast and then take much longer to edit and revise, that’s why I have all these MSS lying around. I’ve been told to work on other projects while I’m querying, so that’s what I’m trying to do. But querying is a long process.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

THANK YOU everyone who offered comments and especially to everyone who said they liked my idea! It’s very encouraging to see interest. Sometimes I feel horribly depressed because the kind of things I want to write (steampunk, blended fantasy, crossovers) aren’t seen much in the market. I’m just writing the kind of books I want to read. Hopefully other people like them too.

Fun Random Questions for The End (I stole this interview idea from Jen at Unedited, though I made my own questions up). Which would you rather be?

Wizard or Warrior? Wizard. Magic is cool and I’m a total wimp when it comes to hacking people’s limbs off. Blood of any kind scares me, really.
Airship Captain or Dragon Rider? Dragon rider. I guess either way you get to fly, but hey, dragons are really cool and I imagine the whole process of dragon riding is a lot more autonomous than having command of a ship.
At the Lake or In the Woods? Woods.
Reading Harry Potter or Writing Twilight? Ahahaa … Harry Potter. I’m a pretty shy/reclusive person, and the idea of being Stephenie Meyer with all the negative attention and rabid fandom … that terrifies me.
Drinking a Fine Wine or Eating a Gourmet Cheese? Ooooo cheese. It’s my favorite food.

Fun! Katherine and I would both really like to thank Candace, who made this all possible with her amazing Joy to the World Contest. The contest is over but you can still get t-shirts!

I would also like to thank Katherine for being such a good sport. It's scary putting you artwork out there publicly for people to judge, especially if you're relatively new to blogging and all the judges are going to be complete strangers.

Any questions?

Katherine Camp's New Query

Katherine is going to share a re-written version of her query with us today, but first I have a couple of selfish announcements to make:

1) I'm going to be out of town this weekend and half of next week. I'm going to Minnesota to celebrate Kelly's Grandmother's 80th birthday. We're both huge Vikings fans so I'm a little upset that it will still be pre-season, but oh well. I really wish I could stay longer or that I wouldn't be so busy while I'm there because I have two writer blogger buds (you know who you are Falen and Palindrome) who I would really love to meet someday. There just won't be time this trip unfortunately.

2) I shared another of my flash fiction pieces with Bryan Russell (Ink) the other day and he liked it well enough that he is posting it on his blog today. Bryan is my writing mentor as well as being the moderator for the illustrious forums on Nathan Bransford's blog, so it is truly an honor to have my writing posted on his blog, The Alchemy of Writing. It never gets as much traffic as it deserves though, so please stop by, follow and comment. You can read my new piece: Babysat by the Man in the Moon, and for newer followers you should also please check out the older one: The Deafening Silence. If you have the time you can read all the short stories here. I suggest you do so.

3) Wow. Man, that's a lot of links.

4) Elana Johnson took the time to comment on my blog 7 times yesterday. That's how badly she wants to help other writers. Is there a more awesome being in the universe? No.

Now to Katherine's re-written query. Katherine has been very busy this week and she may not have time to come by to comment today, but she has been reading your comments and asked me to thank you all profusely on her behalf. She had plans last night and was unable to take part in the intensive rewrite session that I suggested, but she has changed her query to this current version based on our advice. This is not necessarily a final version as she has not had time to mull things over for very long as it stands.

So here it is:

Seventeen-year-old guttersnipe Briand Varryda can control dragons with her mind. She’s a dragon talker, an ancient role from a time before electricity, steamships, and airships. But Briand doesn’t exactly want this “gift,” because it brings her nothing but trouble. It’s the reason both the Tyrant Prince and his rival, the leader of the Monarchists, are hunting for her. It’s the reason a band of Monarchists kidnaps her. A war is coming, and the Monarchists know they cannot hope to defeat the Prince’s airships and technology without the help of old magic from the far north—dragons.

And for dragons, they need Briand.

She’s not even close to the blue-blood aristocrat the dragonsayer was supposed to be—not to mention she’s female. Her kidnappers don’t like her, and she doesn’t like them. She’d rather knife them all than help them. But the Monarchists weren’t exactly asking.

But when someone in their company betrays them during their journey to the find the dragons, Briand and the survivors must flee to a place called the Stronghold to avoid being captured by the Prince’s elite Seekers. With the Seekers gaining on the group, and a traitor in their midst, Briand has to learn how to handle her gift and call up a dragon before they’re all killed.

DRAGONSAYER is 70,000 word YA fantasy novel. It contains elements of historical fantasy as well as elements of steampunk, blending dragons, castles, and swords with guns, clocks, and airships.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Katherine Camp

This is so much better. You're so close with this Katherine. I don't think it's quite done, and I especially think you need a slightly more colorful hook, and a shorter first paragraph, but this is already a good improvement. Since you were getting some requests with your original query I'm guessing that this one is going to start working even better right away. As I've mentioned before I think the strength of your premise can almost sell itself.

What do you guys think? Better right? Is there anything that still glaringly needs to be changed? I don't think so. I think there are only subtle updates left at this point.

Please keep the comments here about Katherine's query. I really really really want you to read my flash fiction and comment and let me know what you think, but please do that at Bryan's blog. I promise I will be stalking it and reading every one of your thoughts.

Thank you so much everyone for all your help yesterday. That was an amazing example of what this community is all about.

Don't forget to come back tomorrow for Katherine's interview.

Katherine Camp Query Critique

If you don't know what's going on this week or you simply don't remember please see yesterday's post here. Otherwise here is the email I sent Katherine regarding her query:

I have to start by saying that I think your premise is awesome. I’m a real sucker for Fantasy and I wish I had the stones to write it. This is great because you have the most important part covered. If your idea sucks it doesn’t really matter how good your query, or even your pages, are. No one will care. You don’t have to worry about THAT.

This query could use SOME work, but you’re off to a really good start.

The other thing is that by writing Fantasy, even if not traditional High or Epic Fantasy, you’re making it a teeny bit harder on yourself. I’m not saying don’t do it, but make sure you research your agents because not only is the market already saturated when it comes to Fantasy, but Fantasy is a bit of a niche market to begin with.

I’m not an agent so don’t take my opinion for scripture but that is what I’m told (and why I’m too wimpy to write Fantasy, even if it is my favorite genre to read).

THE QUERY...

Of course first I have the "Dear (Agent's name)" and then I usually have a paragraph or two where I explain why I chose to query them, whether it is their blog or just their stated preferences on their website or a connection on Twitter. I left that out. The meat of the query is below:

That’s perfectly fine; it’s the meat that matters anyway. I will point out that there is a running debate about this. Personally I prefer to put housekeeping at the bottom. Janet Reid of Query Shark points out that you only have a few words to catch an agent’s interest. Make sure that those words are YOUR STORY, not something else. Personalization is important, and respectful, but it can come after the meat.

That being said, this is only my OPINION. If you like the business first it certainly can work. Even better than simply following my advice, see if you can find out which agents like it which way, then cater to their preferences.

Briand Varryda’s life is pretty grim. Her uncle hates her and wants to banish her from his household, the villagers won’t look her in the eye because she dresses like a boy and explores woods full of wolves and bloodthirsty unicorns, and the guards constantly try to beat her up because she beats them at their gambling games.

I think you need to separate this paragraph. You should try to have a pitch/hook that is one sentence. You can get away with two or three if the idea is complex (like my own query) but make sure to keep your first paragraph short. This is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of the query. If the agent likes your hook they will be biased toward liking the rest as well. If they don’t like the hook they may not even read on.

I would suggest this hook instead:

(Age or occupation) Briand Varryda leads a grim life fearing banishment from her uncle’s home. She is a courageous, resourceful tomboy but she endures the scorn of the villagers for braving the forest full of unknown magical creatures, and must constantly duck the fury of the guards after taking their gold in games of chance that have always felt like second nature to her.

This isn’t perfect either, and still too long, but you get the idea. I actually really like the idea of bloodthirsty evil unicorns, so you may have to work that back in, but think about this part hard, because it is huge.

Nobody thinks she’s worth anything at all except as a butt for jokes and a punching bag for fists. She’s pretty good with a knife and she can play cards like a man, but she doesn’t know how to make her uncle stop hating her or fix her screwed-up life long enough to avoid banishment to a backbreaking apprenticeship.

I would either cut this paragraph or incorporate it into the first. This doesn’t tell us anything new. It does go into a little more detail about who she is and why we should care, but you don’t have enough space/time to do this in this way. I get the sense she’s a bit of a rogue, but clever, which is awesome … it makes for a very compelling and sympathetic character, and that’s important, but conveying why we should care, pretty much needs to be one of, if not THE, first thing in a query.

Oh, and she can control dragons with her mind. She’s a dragon-sayer, an ancient power from an ancient time. A time before electricity, steamships, and airships.

This is actually really cool. It set’s up what kind of choices she’ll have the ability to make, and makes her even cooler, but this is out of place. I’m guessing she doesn’t know this in the beginning? I think you either need to reveal this sooner, or later, or you have to incorporate it when you introduce the conflict. Speaking of conflict you should have introduced it all ready. I have a rule about queries that may not be widely known but it works for me. Always make sure your query includes the 3 Cs, in this order: Character, Conflict, and Choice. Who is the character, and why should we care/like/connect with her? What is the Conflict she must endure? And what kind of Choice will she have to make to overcome it?

You can almost lay those three ideas out in three separate paragraphs and then be good. Of course it’s not QUITE that simple, but it’s important to keep in mind.

But Briand doesn’t exactly want this “gift.” It’s the reason both the tyrant Prince Cahan and his rival, Prince Jehn of the Monarchists, are looking for her. It’s the reason the Monarchists kidnap her. A war is coming, and the Monarchists know they cannot hope to defeat Prince Cahan’s airships without the help of the old magic from the far north—dragons.

Okay, well this is really cool, and I am now officially interested in your book, but this is too much. This is synopsis (sort of) stuff in my opinion. First of all this gets a bit confusing with the two princes and their forces.

Another rule I have which can’t work for everyone but does for me is don’t name anyone in the query but the MC. It gets too confusing. Introduce some other peeps, sure, and set up who they are and why they’ll matter, especially if they’re the antagonists, but make sure to keep it simple.

I should clarify. This is your main conflict, which is key, but try to simplify. Example:

Briand soon discovers her gift is more of a curse. The Monarchists of the north intend to overthrow the tyrant Prince’s airships with the help of a dragon army. Of course they can’t even begin to put this plan into action without a Dragon-Seer. Enter Briand, stage left.

The names of the two princes don't really matter in the query. It just makes it get confusing.

And for dragons, they need Briand.

I do kind of like how setting this apart makes it stand out, but you're already almost out of room, so you may just want to incorporate this.

But she’s no chosen one. Briand’s only a dragon-sayer by accident, and she’s just a ragged guttersnipe—not to mention the fact that she’s female. She’s not even close to the lordly young man the dragon-sayer was supposed to be. The Monarchists don’t like Briand, and Briand doesn’t like them. She’d rather knife them all in the back than help them. But the Monarchists weren’t exactly asking.

You can probably cut this whole paragraph. Not that it's poorly written or anything, it's pretty good, but most of it is repeated ideas that have already been laid out. The one new idea about Briand and the Monarchists being at odds might be good to include somewhere but you need to tighten all this up.

The Monarchists haul her to a fortress in the far north for safekeeping, and despite her best efforts, Briand finds herself befriending some of the members of the company. She even finds herself falling for the leader of the group, Kael. But she still doesn’t want to die for their cause, however noble it might be.

Now you're definitely getting into synopsis territory. This is too much and too long for a query. I mean this actually sounds like an awesome plot twist, and you can hint at the romance if you like in the query but you need to do it much more concisely.

When someone in their company betrays them to the enemy, and the monarchist refuge is burned, Briand and the rest must flee north to a place called the Stronghold to avoid being captured by the magical watchdogs of the prince, the Seekers, who slaughter whole villages and suck the thoughts from their victims’ minds. With the Seekers gaining on the group slowly, and a traitor in their midst, Briand has to learn how to handle her gift and call up a dragon before they’re all killed.

This is a decent summary of the final conflict, without giving away the ending, but you've already used too many words and paragraphs. Try to slim this all down to three main paragraphs that each covers one of those three main concepts: Main Character, Main Conflict, and Main Choice.

Although the Dragonsayer has both magic and dragons, I wouldn't think of it as a typical "S and S" fantasy or high fantasy. The story contains elements of historical fantasy as well as elements steampunk, blending dragons, castles, and swords with guns, clocks, and airships.

First of all I want to say that this genre bending concept is really freaking awesome. I would LOVE to read a book like this. However, I have no idea what S and S Fantsay means. Sword and Spell? I Googled it and got nothing. Still though, Steampunk crossed with Dragons and Bloodthirsty Unicorns? Epic win.

I have been writing seriously for two years now. I am not yet published.

You don't need this. Not mentioning any credits is fine if you have none.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Good.

Sincerely,

Katherine Camp

So, first of all in our correspondence Katherine pointed out to me that S and S means Sword and Sorcery, which I can't believe I couldn't figure out, but which totally makes sense.

Now, what I would like all of you to do is give her some more feedback, if you don't mind. Feel free to disagree with anything advice I gave her, as we all know that all of this is highly subjective and we accomplish the most by telling the absolute truth.

I think one of the main things that Katherine needs, after cutting for length and tightening up all these awesome plot points into 3 or 4 good, concise paragraphs, is a new hook/pitch. A new opening line that really pops. I'll share the first thing that popped into my head this morning, though I'll admit it's not amazing:

The Monarchists will need Dragons to defeat the Tyrant and his Airships, and for Dragons they'll need Briand.

What do you think? I bet most of you can come up with a better hook than that? Please share yours in the comments if anything comes to mind. Or any other feedback/questions/comments you may have for Katherine. This is all for nothing without some good back and forth discourse.

Katherine Camp

Today I would like to introduce Katherine Camp to you all. Before we go on you know my rule. Writing blogs are a community and a community only works if we all get to know each other. So please go visit her blog and become a follower. If you want to make everyone feel especially warm and fuzzy leave a comment explaining that you are following her because you met her on The QQQE.

Now, moving on, Katherine was the winner of my query critique and blog feature prize that Candace and I decided would be an appropriate gift for me to offer in her Joy to the World Contest. So I've already critiqued her query, and she and I have decided to make an (almost) week long blog feature out of it.

Today is really just for introductions. I'm going to share her original query here today, but I would like all of you to refrain from offering feedback until I have shared my critique of her query, which will go up tomorrow. Katherine is open to hearing others thoughts but I don't want any of you spoiling my amazing insights. I'm kidding mostly, but I would like you to wait until tomorrow to critique. That way we can all be prepared. Feel free to comment, of course, always feel free to comment.

So here is Katherine's query:

Of course first I have the "Dear (Agent's name)" and then I usually have a paragraph or two where I explain why I chose to query them, whether it is their blog or just their stated preferences on their website or a connection on Twitter. I left that out. The meat of the query is below:

Briand Varryda’s life is pretty grim. Her uncle hates her and wants to banish her from his household, the villagers won’t look her in the eye because she dresses like a boy and explores woods full of wolves and bloodthirsty unicorns, and the guards constantly try to beat her up because she beats them at their gambling games. Nobody thinks she’s worth anything at all except as a butt for jokes and a punching bag for fists. She’s pretty good with a knife and she can play cards like a man, but she doesn’t know how to make her uncle stop hating her or fix her screwed-up life long enough to avoid banishment to a backbreaking apprenticeship.

Oh, and she can control dragons with her mind. She’s a dragon-sayer, an ancient power from an ancient time. A time before electricity, steamships, and airships.

But Briand doesn’t exactly want this “gift.” It’s the reason both the tyrant Prince Cahan and his rival, Prince Jehn of the Monarchists, are looking for her. It’s the reason the Monarchists kidnap her. A war is coming, and the Monarchists know they cannot hope to defeat Prince Cahan’s airships without the help of the old magic from the far north—dragons.

And for dragons, they need Briand.

But she’s no chosen one. Briand’s only a dragon-sayer by accident, and she’s just a ragged guttersnipe—not to mention the fact that she’s female. She’s not even close to the lordly young man the dragon-sayer was supposed to be. The Monarchists don’t like Briand, and Briand doesn’t like them. She’d rather knife them all in the back than help them. But the Monarchists weren’t exactly asking.

The Monarchists haul her to a fortress in the far north for safekeeping, and despite her best efforts, Briand finds herself befriending some of the members of the company. She even finds herself falling for the leader of the group, Kael. But she still doesn’t want to die for their cause, however noble it might be.

When someone in their company betrays them to the enemy, and the monarchist refuge is burned, Briand and the rest must flee north to a place called the Stronghold to avoid being captured by the magical watchdogs of the prince, the Seekers, who slaughter whole villages and suck the thoughts from their victims’ minds. With the Seekers gaining on the group slowly, and a traitor in their midst, Briand has to learn how to handle her gift and call up a dragon before they’re all killed.

Although the Dragonsayer has both magic and dragons, I wouldn't think of it as a typical "S and S" fantasy or high fantasy. The story contains elements of historical fantasy as well as elements steampunk, blending dragons, castles, and swords with guns, clocks, and airships.

I have been writing seriously for two years now. I am not yet published.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Katherine Camp

Now, Katherine knows her query needs some work, that's why she selected my prize, but I would just like to say: is this not one of the most awesome sounding premises for a story you've heard in a while? Assuming you're into Fantasy and/or Steampunk? I know I really want to read this book.

So this week we're all going to try to help Katherine fix her query so that she can get this story going. Remember: please hold your query specific feedback until tomorrow. For now feel free to discuss her genre, or just say hello, or whatever.

P.S. Sorry this is going up so late but I had a softball game last night, and wounded my knee a little so I stayed in bed this morning feeling sorry for myself until 9AM. *GASP*.

Scott Pilgrim

After working an 8 hour overtime shift on Saturday this weekend I took my daughter Kylie and her boyfriend to a movie. We saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. It was fun.

For a movie based on a comic book that was based on video games it was full of the expected amounts of cheesiness, but only in a wonderful, hilarious way. Of course I've loved everything I've seen Michael Cera in, from Arrested Development on TV, to Superbad to Juno, so it was no surprise that I enjoyed this film. His character was not a huge step outside his normal typecasting but he was a little less wimpy, a little more confident, and a lot more bad ass considering that he has to do battle with all of Ramona's evil Xs. Romana was played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead who is lovely, and performed the character admirably (as far as I know, not being familiar with the comic) but she was also completely unknown to me before this film, so that may have helped. My daughter also thought she and her entire look were completely awesome, so I suppose there is that too.

All in all it was a fun movie and I would recommend it too anyone who enjoys this kind of thing. It was not as much of a romantic comedy as most of Michael Cera's other adorable films, but it did have some of those elements. I would suggest a rental or a matinee, unless you are really into comics and video games, then you should go for it.

That's it for today. Except that I reached 300 followers on Friday. W00T!

FATAL BEAUTIES

Today's guest blogger is Renae Mercado, author of FATAL BEAUTIES! Remember the rules? go visit her blog and become a follower before reading on or doom shall follow you for all ...

Who am I kidding? Just do it. We trust you.

So Renae is going to be adding her thoughts in a nice light purple today, and I suppose that I will think in orange, in honor of everyone's favorite agent. Take it away Renae!

Thank you so much for the chance to share, Matt! My novel Fatal Beauties is represented by Bree Ogden at Martin Literary Management. Bree was one of my top choices so when I polished up my novel, I queried her immediately.

You're most welcome Renae, thanks for sharing this with us!

Dear Ms. Ogden,

Their screams can stop a human heart, their songs can drive humans to the brink of madness. But these cruel fates are nothing compared to what could happen if a Siren falls in love …

I love hooks! I always start with some sort of hook. As with your first few pages, you want to pull the agent in and leave them wanting more. Now she knows what my character is and the havoc she is able to create, all in the first two sentences.

This is vivid description, which is uncommon in a query but works amazingly well here. This is also an awesome premise. Renae has set it up very well here too, as she said it's just enough to entice the reader!

Toying mercilessly with humans and delivering them to their darkest hour was all part of daily life for Amber Ballentine and her sisters. But that normal life is turned upside down when Amber grows tired of the monotony and matriculating from town to town.

Short sweet and to the point. Again, I mention the fact that Amber is a force to be reckoned with. Though she’s flawed, there may be some redeeming qualities.

Nice. I like the way you put this and you're right: it does sort of endear me to the character in an interesting way. I mean, yes, she sounds a little shallow, and possibly evil, but that also sounds damn entertaining.

But living by the rules comes with a price. Amber grows weak, lets her guard down. And then she meets Kellan Westwick. Kellan is everything one would expect from the proverbial bad boy … brooding, rich, and devastatingly handsome. He’s also off limits for Sirens aren’t allowed to fall for humans … the risk is too great.

Enter the bad boy. Of course. I’ve now introduced my other main character and given the agent an initial impression of his demeanor. I’ve also laid the groundwork for the main conflict without going into a lot of unnecessary detail.

Simple, but compelling. Of course we don't yet know if this is the entire conflict, but if it is, at least we know it's going to be entertaining.

Though she fights against her feelings Amber finds herself drawn to this hauntingly mysterious human. As they grow closer, Amber stumbles upon the buried past of Kellan's family ... the Westwick’s are Reapers, a group of humans with the strength and power to destroy all paranormal creatures including Sirens. When the truth comes out Amber must ask herself if Kellan is her hero or the one who will lead to her ultimate demise.

And we have the twist. I never give away the resolution, but I have given just enough information to hopefully leave the agent wanting to read more.

Oooh, I see your point. This is a corkscrew isn't it? I for one am VERY curious as to what Kellan's powers are or how he would have the ability to destory paranormal creatures. Since you don't tell me how I now have to read your book. Oh wait ... that's the point of a query in the first place? Win.

This gothic tale mixes elements of mystery, romance and the paranormal bringing a fresh new twist to this young adult novel. FATAL BEAUTIES is complete at around 100,000 words with series potential.

Here I sum up the page count while letting the agent know that there is potential for a series. I also bring to light the fact that this is not something that’s already on the market. I had done my research and was well aware that Bree was looking for something different and new.

Makes sense. Plus it worked, there is that too.

I am an elementary school teacher by day and an avid writer by night. If you would like to consider FATAL BEAUTIES, I’ll happily forward the manuscript at your request.

Just a little bit about myself while letting her know that the manuscript was complete and ready for her to review.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Kind Regards,

Renae Mercado

Three days after my initial query, Bree asked for the full. A few more (long) days she e-mailed offering representation if I would be willing to change one little part of the book. It didn’t change my vision of the story at all so of course I said yes! And there you have it. I’m now on submission and trying desperately to keep my fingernails intact. But I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. So don’t give up no matter what. I truly believe the right agent is out there for everyone!

Very exciting! Congrats Renae. And best of luck with your submission process, I'm sure it will work out for you!

What do you guys think? Questions for Renae? Comments making fun of me? Please, share anything you like in the comments section.

Nothing II

I arrived quite late to work this morning and really have to get on Renae's post. Therefore I've got no time for anything but this:




And this one's for Bryan Russel (Ink), because of one of his great flash fiction pieces:

Camp Erin

As a died-in-the-wool Minnesota Vikings fan I REALLY REALLY don't want to post about Favre-la-palooza today. I AM actually quite glad that he has finally returned to Eden Prairie and is with the team, since I know he will help us win games this year, which is sort of the point of sports, but honestly, I'm pretty tired of hearing about him. I could go on for a long time about the subject, but I'm confident that very few of you will care.

So I'm going to talk about something else. It involves a different guy who is probably too old to still be playing his sport. His name is Jamie Moyer. Jamie is a pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, a team which, as an Atlanta Braves fan, I hate by definition. But I don't really HATE them. I just want them to lose ... often.

Of course I don't know Jamie Moyer personally, but I did catch a special on ESPN last night that made me realize that he and his wife are one amazing pair of human beings. You can see some of it here. Their foundation, The Moyer Foundation, sponsors something called Camp Erin. Camp Erin is a system of camps around the country that helps young children who have lost a parent or other loved one grieve. It is the largest bereavement camp in the world and of course the campers, ages 6-17, get to stay free of charge.

I don't have time to write about this in great detail but I will say that it is a wonderful foundation. My own mom died when I was eleven years old and I would have loved to have somewhere safe like that to go and to experience my grief with others who had experienced similar loss, rather than feeling completely alone and like it was me against the world.

A lot of athletes have wonderful foundations that do great things for the world, and I applaud them. But this is the only thing like this I've ever heard of, and since it's near to my heart, I find it kind of special.

I hope it's okay with you all that I write about this kind of thing from time to time. I was discussing the topic with a reader yesterday (Lisa of In Pencil, visit her blog, she's awesome) and we agreed that was one of the things we liked about my blog. Yes I started it to be about queries. Bad ones at first. Then I started featuring guest posts with good queries, then eventually I wrote one myself. Anyway the point is that the main goal of this blog is still to help other novice writers avoid the mistakes I made, and to learn from them. But you can't write about writing every single day, at least I can't.

So I hope you guys don't mind if I throw in some humor or entertainment, or even something serious like this from time to time. I promise to keep the Friday successful query guest posts coming for as long as I am able.

The Pillars of the Earth

Does anyone have the Starz channel besides Dezmond and myself? If so you should check out the special they've been airing on Friday nights this summer. It's a mini-series adaption of a great novel from the 80s called The Pillars of the Earth, which was written by Ken Follett.

It's a Scott Free production which if you aren't familiar with the company simply means that the Scott brothers, Ridley and Tony of Blade Runner, Gladiator and American Gangster fame are executive producers. That doesn't mean much artistically since neither one of them directed or produced the films or wrote the screenplay, but their involvement is evident in the attention to detail. It's a television production so of course there is not the big budget feel of a Hollywood blockbuster, but the plot of Pillars is too convoluted for a 2-3 hour film anyway.

If you've never read the book I would definitely suggest it. I haven't read it for years but I do recall enjoying it quite a bit. Ken Follett isn't the greatest wordsmith ever. His prose doesn't flow like McCarthy's or resonate like Tolkien's, and his dialogue does not have the snap of a Leonard or Price, but what he can do, and what he does VERY well is craft memorable characters who he intertwines into the most epic, complex and thrilling plots.

Much of his work is historical fiction but he is probably most famous for Eye of the Needle and On Wings of Eagles. It's not highly literary work but the books have been very commercially successful and the ones that I have read have all been fun, engrossing stories. But anyway, back to the TV version.

I especially enjoy the cast in this adaptation. It stars some well known character actors but only Donald Sutherland is famous, and he only has a small role in the beginning. Some of the other actors whose portrayal's I've been enjoying are:

Ian McShane, as Bishop Waleran.
Rufus Sewell, as Tom Builder.
Matthew MacFayden, as Prior Philip.
Hayley Atwell, as Aliena.
and Eddie Redmayne, as Jack.

Of course this is not the greatest show ever. It's certainly not as exciting as True Blood, as funny as Glee, or as entertaining as Entourage, but it is good, and it's historically educational and not so violent that we can't watch it with our older daughter, who loves it. If you have Starz and you enjoy political intrigue involving the church and crown set in the Middle Ages I suggest you check this show out.

WriteOnCon Query Contest

So, I promised to write about my query win this morning and I will not disappoint! There is actually a pretty funny story about this whole thing so I will share that quickly before I share the query and Joanna's awesome critique of it.

I had posted my query in the WriteOnCon query critique forum here. On last Thursday night I was feeling pretty sorry for myself because people were not liking it so I sent an email to several of the writers I look up to and consider friends, asking them to chime in on the forum. A couple replied saying things like "of course, a little busy right now but will take a look as soon as I can", or something similar.

Then I got this email from Elana Johnson. Pretty much all it said was "DUDE!" and then it linked me to this. Needless to say I was pretty excited and especially happy to see that all those nay-sayers were wrong. Then I thought about it.

Those people weren't wrong. They were only trying to help and this is all so subjective anyway. So I thanked them for their feedback and went on my way. The moral of this story is that you must believe in yourself. That and don't believe every single critique you get. Only you will know what really resonates.

So here's Joanna's critique of my query, which you can also find on the amazing Coffey. Tea. And Literary. Blog.

Dear Ms. Stampfel-Volpe,

15 Year old Lee Ruccio is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. Great opening line. Makes me wonder what Lee is all about. He obviously gets into trouble, but it seems like he doesn't want to. The last thing he expected to find at reform school in the bitter wilderness of northern Idaho was magic. Reform school tells me he got busted for some of that trouble, and then Matthew adds another layer to this story...magic. And it feels natural. One thing that frustrates me in a query is when the paranormal/supernatural element in a query doesn't come into play until the last line. I'm left scratching my head. But Matthew is laying out the story perfectly, defining the character first, then the setting. But after the death of his mother, and estrangement from his useless, high-society, drunk-whenever-he’s-home father, Lee’s guardians ship him off to Rocky Mountain Academy and that’s exactly what he discovers. Just enough backstory for me to GET it.

Despite having to earn the right to attend classes after months of hard labor and being placed on restriction after getting caught alone in the woods with a female student, Oooooo! Rocky Mountain Academy redeems itself when Lee finally learns of the mysterious curriculum. The classes have names like “The Way of Unifying With Life Energy” and “The Eight Principles of Yong.” In them Lee and his new friends (and enemies) study everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu. Woah--now this academy sounds awesome and unique. Plus, I love anything involving martial arts, so sweet.

Permission to kick ass is pretty awesome when you’re fifteen and convinced it’s you against the world. Yes it is! At this point I'm pretty pumped...the first paragraph was great, so I'm down with a line like this. However, I can say, if this were an opening line, it wouldn't have packed as strong a punch (ha).

Through these disciplines Lee and his fellow students learn to manipulate their Chi for things like healing, telekinesis and imbuing their weapons with rockin’ powers. And it’s a good thing Lee mostly stayed awake during class because the Master of the School is sending a team of students on a mission to investigate an abandoned silver mine. While underground, they are attacked by Earth Elementals, creatures of mud and rock with brute strength and cunning logic equal to a raging hippopatamus, and their new-found friendship and magical talents are put to the test. Earth Elementals sound awesome, but now I'm more curious about why their teachers would send them into such a dangerous scenario....something is afoot!

Actually kicking ass is pretty critical when your life’s in danger and it truly is you (and your friends) against the world.

Before reform school, Lee never in a million years thought he’d be battling subterranean monsters using Eastern mysticism. Then again, he never thought he’d make an actual friend, earn the praise of a teacher, or fall in love either. My only revision suggestion for this query has to do with these last two lines/paragraphs. It feels like two conclusions, when you need only one. At this point you had me hooked, so it's a small thing, I don't think it would make any agent who was interested say "ya know what? never mind." So don't worry! My suggestion is to keep the second one...it wraps up the whole concept better, and the first one feels more like a repeat of above. But of course you'd have to tweak it so the transition from the previous paragraph worked.

Either way, I am so impressed! This story sounds fun, unique, and ripe for the market now. I'm looking forward to reading those first 10 pages and sharing them with Sara. Thanks for participating, Matthew!

Cheers-JV

I'm not going to break down every point she made, except to say wow! What an astute analysis. It is interesting to see that agents are human. For example her response to the mention of Aikido and Kenjutsu is pretty awesome, but I'm guessing that not every agent out there is as young and hip as Joanna, and therefore probably not into martial arts. The other thing here is that Aikido is pretty well known, but Kenjutsu is not, for Joanna to even know what those things are is probably unique to this situation. Agents are pretty smart though, so I could be wrong about that.

I also totally agree with her point about that permission line. It is the best bit of voice in the query, and it would sound cool as an opening hook ... but, it wouldn't make sense without the setup. I feel like that would leave readers going huh?

As far as her analysis about revising the end she is absolutely right. In fact this is one of the main points I struggle with in the book. I won't go into great detail but the idea is that the main conflict is what occurs within Lee's heart as he struggles to grow into a normal human being and leave all his bitterness and grief behind. The actual physical conflict with the creatures is sort of a sub-plot. That is really oversimplifying it, but I'm sure you all will understand.

So what do you guys think? Is that not some amazing feedback to get from such an awesome agent? I sent her my first 10 pages on Saturday, so I'm looking forward to sharing with you all about that.

Thoughts? Questions? Please share them in the comments section!

THE SHARD

Today's guest blogger is my good friend Ted Cross. He is in my critique group but I promise to try not to let the fact that I have read some of THE SHARD affect my thoughts on his query.

You know the rules. Follow his blog, then come back and read his query.

I'll let him take it away but first I should point out that I went with dark green for Ted's thoughts, and doo-doo brown for my own. The reason for this should be clear but if not the green represents wise elves, and the brown? Stupid Orcs.

Go ahead Ted:

Dear Nathan,

I’ve been an avid follower of your blog for well over a year; you might recall me (knight_tour) as being the person who would have won your last March Madness Challenge had Butler won instead of Duke. I am seeking representation for my epic fantasy novel, The Shard, which is complete at 130,000 words.

I decided to go with my letter to Nathan since I think the letter sounds too dry without the personalization that I do for each and Nathan is the one agent that I think doesn’t mind us all trying to learn from each other. I wouldn’t do this with any other agent. I knew up-front that Nathan had never signed up a fantasy novel, but he is so awesome that I had to give him a try.

Ahh, I remember that March Madness chaos! What fun. I was on the first page, but had picked Kentucky. What were we talking about? Oh, Ted's query. Right. Well personalization is HUGE I think, especially with a young, hip agent like Nathan. Is hip a hip word still? Was it ever?

Three years after losing a son in an ambush by a troll, the minor noble Midas’s marriage is crumbling and the Known Lands are threatened by an invasion from a mysterious race of dragon men (called wyrmen). Midas is torn between his duty to raise his two remaining sons to be proper leaders and the insistence of his wife that he keep the boys safe.

He takes his sons to war, but hopes to shield them from the worst dangers. His intentions go awry when a seer involves them in a plan to defeat the wyrmen by finding a shard of a shattered magical relic, lost centuries ago in the lair of Kathkalan, a dragon so vicious it has turned the entire eastern region of the realm into an abandoned wasteland.

After surviving the dragon, cannibals, ice-wraiths that can kill with a touch, and a chase through an underground labyrinth, Midas and his companions find the shard and join the armies of the realm to confront the superior forces of the wyrmen, only to discover that the magic of the shard doesn’t work as expected. Midas is faced with the most excruciating of decisions -- save his sons, or save the realm and risk losing everyone that he loves.

Okay, I have tried a few versions but they were all terrible. I’m not in love with this, but it has gotten me two partial requests (out of five responses so far), so I feel it can’t be that bad. I know some say we should only use one paragraph or two at the most for this part, but I couldn’t make it work that way. In fact, I already feel like a fraud since the above describes only a tiny part of what my story is about! I would love to see how George R.R. Martin would have queried his A Song of Ice and Fire series if he had to.

I'm going to get serious now (finally) because I seriously love this book. I've actually only read like the first 6 chapters because our crit group has been taking it slow, but I've known about the premise for a while and I LOVE it.

I would have to argue that for a story like Ted's a query much shorter than this would not do it justice. Yes short and sweet is generally best and the idea is to share just enough to get the agent to ask for more, but you also don't want to leave so much out that they feel betrayed when they do read your pages.

I want to talk more about Ted's story because it is in a vein that I love, but this post is really about his query. The only other things that I'll point is that while Ted's tale does contain some traditional fantasy elements he also has some highly unique aspects like these Wyrmen and his own take on magic.

The only other thing is that while this query may sound a little dry, lacking some of the stronger voice that makes others stand out so much I actually think it is highly appropriate for Ted's story. We talk about voice a lot when I critique his pages and without giving away the secret behind his twist I will simply say that there is a reason that his people speak the way they do, not quite in a medieval tongue, not quite in a modern one. It's subtle, but it works.

George R.R. Martin has shown with his A Song of Ice and Fire series how hungry audiences are for realistic epic fantasy. I believe that the forthcoming movies based on The Hobbit will form a renewed bubble of interest in this genre. Though my novel can stand alone, I have begun a prequel and also outlined two other novels within the series.

I know some won’t like this, but I get the feeling that agents are not as forward-looking as I would like them to be. I wanted to remind them about the Hobbit movies (and now the Game of Thrones series) that are forthcoming. How could there not be a renewed interest in epic fantasy after those come out? I also honestly feel that if someone like Mr. Martin wrote his down and dirty style of fantasy tale within a high fantasy setting it would sell like crazy.

I'm not sure I can talk about this. I keep hearing terrible things about what's going on with The Hobbit films and it makes me very sad. I can say that I think Ted's point to agents is valid. Even if High Fantasy like this never reaches the top of the bestseller list I feel like there is still a strong niche market. Novels of this kind will sell steadily for years I think, rather than like a blockbuster all at once.

I'm no expert on the industry of course but I know I would buy this book and I know several other fantasy fans who would as well.

Below are my first five pages. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Ted Cross

I’ve sent this to only eleven agents so far. I’ve had three rejections and two partial requests that eventually were rejected. Six haven’t responded at all even though it has been quite some time. I was encouraged by the fact that the two partial requests came from very well known agents, but I can’t wait to someday get a full request!

I can't wait either Ted. It seems tough to sell Fantasy right now, not that I've tried personally, but I think your novel stands out.

So what do you guys think? Can Adult Fantasy shine in the YA era? Should Ted give more away in his query about some of the more unique elements of his story?

I can't answer those questions except for with my gut. As far as Ted's query the most important thing is that it's working.

P.S. Yes I did win something over at WriteOnCon last night. I know some of you were hoping I would write about it today. I promise to do a post on the whole thing on Monday, but Fridays are for guest posts. Sorry.

WriteOnContent

I'm too busy with WOC to write much of anything this morning, plus I have to write Ted's awesome guest post, which is mostly done but still will take some time, so I'm just going to post some links so you can see what I've been doing on WOC:

Here I critiqued Katie AKA CQG's 5 pages from FOSSEGRIM.

Here I critiqued Weronika Janczuk's query for WHERE THE DOVES FLY.

Here I critiqued Emily White's query for ELEMENTAL.

Here I critiqued Stine Lindenblatt's query for LOST IN A HEARTBEAT.

Here I shared my own query for WARRIOR-MONKS (I've even updated it a little since yesterday).

That's it for now. I intend to put my first five pages up too. I'll update this post once I do.

Current Query Part III

Here is the most current version:

15 Year old Lee Ruccio is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. The last thing he expected to find at reform school in the bitter wilderness of northern Idaho was magic. But after the death of his mother, and estrangement from his useless, high-society, drunk-whenever-he's-home father, Lee's guardians ship him off to Rocky Mountain Academy and that's exactly what he discovers.

Despite having to earn the right to attend classes after months of hard labor and being placed on restriction after getting caught alone in the woods with a female student, Rocky Mountain Academy redeems itself when Lee finally learns of the mysterious curriculum. The classes have names like "The Way of Unifying With Life Energy" and "The Eight Principles of Yong." In them Lee and his new friends (and enemies) study everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu.

Permission to kick ass is pretty awesome when you're fifteen and convinced it's you against the world.

Through these disciplines Lee and his fellow students learn to manipulate their Chi for things like healing, telekinesis and imbuing their weapons with rockin' powers. And it's a good thing Lee mostly stayed awake during class because the Master of the School is sending a team of students on a mission to investigate an abandoned silver mine. While underground, they are attacked by Earth Elementals, creatures of mud and rock with brute strength and cunning logic equal to a raging hippopatamus, and their new-found friendship and magical talents are put to the test.

Actually kicking ass is pretty critical when your life's in danger and it truly is you (and your friends) against the world.

Before reform school, Lee never in a million years thought he'd be battling subterranean monsters using Eastern mysticism. Then again, he never thought he'd make an actual friend, earn the praise of a teacher, or fall in love either.

As you can see the changes are subtle. I like to think of my query as a WIP. I don't know that it will ever be finished, at least not until I'm offered representation, because I'll have to tailor it to each agent anyway. So that being said I'm VERY open to questions and suggestions. If you have any please share them in the comments.

The one thing I wonder about is the comparison of the Earth Elementals to a hippo. D&D people know exactly what an Elemental is but others won't. The hippo comparison is supposed to be a joke because of course they ARE strong, but NOT really all that cunning, just like these creatures in my story. Do you think people will get it? Did YOU get it? Right now it's the biggest question I have.

I know this query in its current form is the best I've (with LiLa's help) ever written, but I also know it's still not the best I ever could.

Current Query Part II

So, since today WriteOnCon really does actually start I'll keep this short. Here is the query Lady LiLa sent back to me:

Hey Matt! You are SO close with this! Hopefully we helped a little...

Dear Lady LiLa, HA.

The last thing Lee (insert last name here) expected to discover in the bitter wilderness of northern Idaho was magic. But after the death of his mother, and estrangement from his useless, high-society, drunk-whenever-he's-home father, Lee is shipped off to Rocky Mountain Academy and that's exactly what he finds.

Despite having to earn the right to attend classes after months of hard labor and being placed on restriction after getting caught alone in the woods with a female student, Rocky Mountain Academy redeems itself when Lee finally learns of the mysterious curriculum. The classes have names like "The Eight Principles of Yong" and "The Way of Unifying With Life Energy." In them Lee and his new friends (and enemies) study everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu.

Permission to actually kick ass is pretty awesome when you're fifteen and convinced it's you against the world.

Through these disciplines Lee and his fellow students learn to use their talents to harness their Chi for things like healing, telekinesis and imbuing their weapons with rockin' powers. And it's a good thing Lee stayed awake during class because the master of the school is sending a team of students on a mission to investigate an abandoned silver mine. While underground, they are attacked by Stone Golem Earth Elementals, (need a description here), and their newfound friendship and magical skills are put to the test.

Before reform school, Lee never in a million years thought he'd be battling subterranean monsters using Eastern mysticism. Then again he never thought he'd make an actual friend either.

Insert bio/reason you're querying here.

So as you can see they tightened up the plot descriptions drastically, which is AWESOME. This is way better than what I sent them, but I'm sure you'll all agree it's still not QUITE right. Tomorrow you'll see a few more changes I made to inject a little more voice and emphasize some of the changes they helped me make, and tomorrow's version, which is the current one, is the best I have so far but it still isn't perfect.

We can discuss that tomorrow.

LiLa and I also discussed a couple of other things about queries. We agreed that actually writing one in first person and leaving it that way is not an option, though we didn't consider writing it in first and then changing it - which I think is brilliant. I also asked them whether referring to the genre as YA Rural Fantasy would be a good idea, and while they thought the joke was pretty funny they weren't sure whether agents would get it. I see their point and probably won't do it ... except when I query Nathan Bransford because he liked it: see?

Current Query Part I

WriteOnCon begins today! Let's bask in that for a moment.

Yes. So it's an awesome free online writing/publishing conference put together by the most amazing writers on the planet and to include countless industry professionals droppin knowledge free of charge.

So because of this and the fact that I have a stupid day job with which I earn money to pay the bills I have very little time for blogging this week. But ... in spite of my inherent laziness I will try to share something worthwhile with you all: My Current Query.

Yes I am in the middle of a re-write and yes the plot COULD change enough that the query will have to follow but it's not likely. Therefore I do still try to keep my query up to date and since I won assistance with it from Lady LiLa on Lisa and Laura Write last week I wanted to share the awesome advice they give me with you all.

So today I will share the query I sent them. Tomorrow I will share the one they sent me back and then Wednesday I will share the one that I wrote, based on their advice, and submitted to the Joanna Stampfel-Volpe contest on WriteOnCon.

So here's the first version:

Dear Lady LiLa,

Fifteen year old Lee is a reluctant juvenile delinquent who arrives at reform school fearing abuse or worse but soon discovers magic and mysticism beneath the hard-knock surface.

After the death of his mother, and estrangement from his useless, high-society, drunk-when-ever-he's-home father, Lee's aunt and uncle ship him off to Rocky Mountain Academy, a reform school in the bitter wilderness of northern Idaho.

He is forced to work in the Wood Corral; the right to attend classes being earned only after months of labor. He gets caught alone in the woods with a female student, which is of course strictly forbidden. He is placed on restriction and given work assignments. Finally lessons begin and the students become excited by the mysterious curriculum. The classes have names like "The Eight Principles of Yong" and "The Way of Unifying With Life Energy". In them Lee and his new friends (and enemies) study everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu.

Permission to actually kick ass is pretty awesome when you're fifteen and convinced it's you against the world.

Through these disciplines they learn to use their talents to harness the energy the Chinese know as Chi for things like healing, telekinesis and imbuing their weapons with rockin powers. They bring this unique new form of magic with them into the mountains of Montana when the Master of the School asks them to investigate an abandoned silver mine. In the mine they are attacked by Stone Golem Earth Elementals and forced to band together, using their newfound skills to defend themselves and survive the creatures' onslaught.

As you can see this isn't terrible but it doesn't really pop either. Those of you who know me will recognize how far this has come since the old days and those of you who are new readers can check the posts labeled Queries/Rejections to learn more.

When I sent it to Lisa and Laura I pointed out that what I felt it was missing the most was voice. The story is now being re-written into first person so the personality of the MC really comes across hard in the very beginning and I wanted to inject that into the query more. Writing a query in first person is a no-no but I really liked Jen's suggestion from last Friday about writing it in first person and then switching it over.

We'll see where my query goes throughout the week.

POSSUM SUMMER

Today's guest blogger is Jen K. Blom, the wonderful author of POSSUM SUMMER.

You all remember the rules right? Go read her blog, become a follower, and only then may you return to read this amazing post!

Also don't forget how this works. Jen's thoughts are going to be in blue (she asked for red but I was worried that would be too confusing - also I am the mad professor here and I will not give up the power of the red pen for anyone, mwah hah ha ...).

Yeah, where was I? Oh yes, my own comments will be in red so try to keep that straight, okay?

Take it away Jen!

First off: The Story. I'd just decided to query my recently completely revised manuscript. I had two agents I wanted to try first...one I'd loved long and long, and one that had shown previous interest in my writing. I'm a member of Publishers Marketplace (**highly recommended!**) and they had a short blurb on Marlene branching out on her own when I went in to see what was selling that day. (Common knowledge but still > an agent with a new business is a hungry agent. Plus you'd be at the top of their client list, which was also a nice idea).

The blurb on Marlene came out New Year's Day. I queried her that day, as well as the two other agents I had in mind. The next day all three asked for partials - then fulls the next day - then all offered that week! It was a week full of LOTS of angst! But I made a great decision, and Marlene recently sold my debut novel POSSUM SUMMER to Holiday House books for a 2011 release. (I'm on Goodreads - friend me there!)

Hmm, I'm not sure I'm aware of a more awesome story, POSSUM SUMMER must be quite good!

But let's go on...

Dear Ms. Stringer,

It's so hard to know if they're married or not. And you don't want to P-O an agent over something so silly as a Mrs. Ms. Miss. etc - and I didn't want to email her "Yo, Marlene"!, either. So I went with Ms.

What a good point. Back when I queried terribly over a year ago I would address agents by their first name. This is passable I guess but it really is more professional to use Mr. or Ms. Jen is spot on about it being a good idea not to insult anyone, so I think she gives good advice here about using the universal Mizz.

First off, congratulations on your new agency! Two thumbs up on the webpage too, it's quite classy.

This way I thought she'd know I was savvy to the relevant information outlets available for non-pubbed (and non-agented) writers. It's always good to appear like you know what you're doing - even if you don't! I also went to her website and snooped around. It was nice. Succinct, elegant, and full of info. Since I'm a succinct sort of girl myself, I appreciated this. Plus I was a bit irreverent without being cheeky. Cheeky is bad.

I had never really thought of this but I don't suppose it's all that different from saying: I read your blog daily and thought you would be a good fit for my novel because ...

Of course this kind of personalization is not going to earn representation for a poor story or bad writing. Story, voice and good writing are still requirements, but if you've got all three of those, along with a dash of work ethic and a pinch of uniqueness, there's no reason something like this would hurt your chances.

Princess is a die-hard tomboy growing up in the middle of the Oklahoma plains with only two friends in a thirty-mile radius: her best buddy Mart and her mutt, Blackie. Her dad's off to war and her mama is gone all day working, so she's in charge of the farm and all the inhabitants living on it for the summer. When she finds an orphan opossum kit in the ragged remains of a possum her dog just killed, she has a real tough decision to make.

I wanted the query to be in the style of the voice in POSSUM SUMMER, so I wrote it out in 1st POV and then switched it to third. It took many different attempts before I got the sense of loneliness and responsibility down that I wanted to hook the agent in the first sentence.

Well this is certainly different. Remember what I was saying about uniqueness? This story sounds very intriguing. You've got a unique setting, a sympathetic character, and a scenario of conflict that I've certainly never heard of before. No wonder agents took an interest.

Save him against her father's wishes? Or let him die?

I deplore rhetorical questions, but sometimes I think a good question or two can make the agent's mind wander to the possibilities inherent in a book. Since mine didn't have explosions, vampires or a love triangle - unless you counted a dog and a possum - I thought this was a handy way to bring them into the world my protag resides in. :-D

We're all well aware of the hate for rhetorical questions among some but I think this works just fine here. Jen quickly introduces further conflict by mentioning the father's wishes but leaves us wondering exactly what she means, which is just fine in a query.

From the moment she looks into his eyes h er - ACK! A typo! Er, don't do this HA HA *gasps* heart is lost, and she decides to try it - no matter the cost to her. But when Ike the possum's cover is blown and tragedy strikes, she struggles to find the power in herself to get past the price he has to pay.

Cliche are so cliche, but I wanted to turn one on its nose and have a little word play at the same time.

I don't really see the cliche here. I mean yeah "price to pay" is a pretty common phrase but applying it to a possum's cover being blown is pretty darn new and different if you ask me. I love that the conflict at the heart of this story is really pretty simple. Girl feels sympathy for an adorable dying animal and saves its life against her better judgment. This kind of thing sounds perfect for MG.

A Middle Grade novel complete at 55,000 words, "Possum Summer" would appeal to fans of Laura Ingalls Wilder, Kate DiCamillo, and Wilson Rawls. I'd be happy to forward at your request.

Genre! Word count! Title! Easy author placement! And the "I'd be happy..." I got from Janet Reid. I figured if the agent had gotten this far I wasn't gonna blow it with a long-winded About me section.

Great advice! Keep the housekeeping succinct. As long as your word count isn't 400,000 or your title POSSUMS GONE WILD, none of this matters THAT much anyway. Just make sure these details aren't ones that would blow it.

Yours sincerely,
Jennifer Blom

I included my blog addy after my name and used a stock generic ending for that last bit. Plus, I'm not a really windy writer at all, and short and sweet is how I roll, baby.

Awesome. So what do you guys think? I think this story sounds incredible. The simple idea of saving the life of a needful animal, without magic, vampires or telepathy sounds pretty powerful to me. This kind of story takes me back to my childhood and the kind of stuff I used to read like Where the Red Fern Grows, The Red Badge of Courage, or Danny, Champion of the World.

I haven't read Jen's book but it sounds like it will be really touching and just the kind of thing a young girl like my 9 year old daughter would love to read. Any questions? Did you forget to follow Jen's blog? Shame on you.

Announcements!

Good Morning y'all. Sorry I was out yesterday but I wasn't feeling well and really don't blog from home except for a teeny bit of reading. I know Rose already announced it on her blog but just in case anyone missed it I did want to say congrats to Maradeth Houston and Jen Daiker for winning the query critiques. Rose and I will both give you some feedback and then we'll do some kind of post here on The QQQE to celebrate. It may be like the Friday guest posts or it may be something different, who knows?

Anyway I never took any great photos of my awesome shiny signed copy of The Deathday Letter by Shaun David Hutchinson for you guys because I wasn't feeling well. I really wanted to share what he wrote when he signed it because it was pretty funny, but now I can't remember! Doh! I do know he signed it Carpe Mortdiem! Which, although I don't know Latin that well I do recall Carpe Diem from The Dead Poets Society so I assume Carpe Mortdiem (or Mort Diem) is Seize the Deathday! Which is pretty awesome.

I would like to thank Shaun both for writing the novel and for sending it to me and my good bud Michelle McLean for holding the contest in which I won it. My only problem now is that I'm really uptight about books and since this one is signed by the author - I can't actually read it. I do take pretty good care of books that I like but I will have to go buy a copy that I can read because I'm too worried about damaging this one. It's kind of like a baseball card. If I care about a book it must be in perfect condition. I'm neurotic, I know, but I swear
I'm really laid back about most other things.

Anyway that's it for today, I need to write Jen Blom's guest post so I have to get on that. Any questions?

SPASS

I want to blog about the awesome shiny new SIGNED copy of The Deathday Letter that I received in the mail yesterday because I won it on my good friend Michelle McLean's blog last week and Shaun David Hutchinson was kind of enough to offer it up as a prize. AND sign it. But I feel that I must take a nice photo for you all to feast your eyes upon, so I will try to share about that tomorrow.

Today I'm going to write about the place I went to middle school as well as 9th grade. Falen and Palindrome have probably heard of it.

It's called Saint Paul Academy and Summit School. It's a pretty snooty college prep K-12 private school in Saint Paul, Minnesota. It has a lot of history. We'll get to that in a second.

The current school is actually a merger of two schools: Saint Paul Academy, an old boys only military academy, and The Summmit School ... you guessed it, a girls school. My mom and all her family attended these schools as kids, mom and her sisters at Summit and her brother at the Academy. When I went there in the 90s they had merged so that the old Academy campus is now the High School and Middle School and the Summit campus is the elementary. I think I've heard that this has changed since I left.

I enjoyed it there because they had things like Latin (though I took German), Pottery, Creative Writing, Computer Science and lots of other cool elective courses. I didn't enjoy it because my aunt was a teacher at the elementary school and there was a lot of pressure on me to succeed. I was always a pretty decent student but the other kids there were BRILLIANT. Most ended up at Harvard, Stanford or Brown. I got sent off to boarding school in 10th grade.

But this is not about my personal problems as a pissed off grieving and trouble-making teenager. This is about the ghosts that travel the halls at 1712 Randolph Avenue.

The most famous and by far the coolest Alumni of S.P.A. is F. Scott Fitzgerald, who actually did not graduate, but ended up being expelled for "neglecting his studies". I'm sure you know who F. Scott is but just in case you don't he is one of America's most famous authors who is most well known for having penned The Great Gatsby and This Side of Paradise. I didn't really know back then that I wanted to be a writer, but I DID enjoy writing, so it was kind of cool to know that he had stalked those very halls.

Ann Bancroft actually did graduate, in 1974. She is also an author, but she is more famous for being the first woman to extensively explore BOTH the arctic AND antarctic. She was an also a Wilderness Instructor at YMCA camp Widjiwagan where I often spent my summers, though regrettably not while I was there. She is also famous for some other awesome stuff but I won't discuss it here because I don't want to alienate anyone. Look her up if you would like to know more.

SPA was also kind of famous for being a soccer powerhouse (at least among prep schools). They won two MN State Championships while I attended but I played football so was not involved, except as a spectator. We got the day off to go watch the final at the Metrodome one year though, which was pretty cool. The coach was Buzz Lagos, who later became the coach of the Minnesota Thunder pro team, until it dissolved. The most famous player from SPA was Tony Sanneh, who was a few years older than me, and who played every minute for the United States in the 2002 World Cup in Korea/Japan.

So anyway, this wasn't supposed to be a boastful post, so I hope it doesn't sound that way. It's not like attending there for a few years makes me cool or educated or intelligent anyway, since I left after my freshman year (not that it would have meant any of those things if I had stayed either). It is kind of fun to look back over the years though, and to dream that one day my books will sell well enough for my name to be mentioned in the Wikipedia Article, along with those other notable alumni/ae.

NPR is the Shiznitt

I didn't even realize it until today, but Friday's was my 105th post. Yay me. I started this blog in early March, I can't remember the day, but that means that six months will be coming up soon. And I haven't embarrassed myself into oblivion ... yet.

Anyway thanks for all the lovely comments on Rose's post and query. She and I will be in touch and announcing a winner soon. Well, I assume we will at least, it's really all up to her. I don't have much else today but I do want to share with you all a pretty cool story I heard on the radio on the way in to work this morning.

I listen to NPR in the morning and sports talk in the afternoon. Does this mean I'm old and boring? Yeah, pretty much. Anyway this morning they had an encouraging story about something planned for Paris. They've already got the best health-care in the world, what do the French need now you ask? How about a fleet of electric cars, publicly funded, to allow Parisians to rent them for a very reasonable rate at any time and place?

It's called Autolib, which is short for Auto Liberte. Think of it like the community car programs many major U.S. cities have like FlexCar except that these are all electric, publicly funded, and cheap to use. Paris has had a program called Velib going strong since 2007 in which Bikes can be rented dirt cheap by the public and then returned across town. Velib has already reduced traffic in Paris by 25%, officials hope the car program will do even more to reduce congestion and pollution.

Autolib is basically an extension of the bike plan in which a fleet of 3000 all electric cars will be available for rent at very reasonable rates across the city, can be used for a day or a week, re-charged at over 1000 stations around town, and then returned at your leisure. It's very simple. You pay to use a car when you need it, and there are no hassles like insurance, repairs, and the bane of every urban driver who ever lived: parking.

You can read more about the program here.

What will they think of next?