Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query II Critiqued

TGIF. Here is my critique of Nabila's revised query, with the feedback in red.

The letter:

Dear _____

The youngest of three siblings, Shelly Manhar is hot-tempered, indecisive and always rushing into things. Nice! Now we've got a great sense of character. Excellent way to open. The only other thing I want is Shelly's age. But nNever in her wildest dreams did she imagine becoming a pirate, until her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after their family home burns down. Along with her elder sister Anna, who is her only guide in life now, you don't need this, because it's inferred. she decides to take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas with gunpowder, blade and cannon. But when Anna dies unexpectedly just after they have taken their first ship, Shelly finds herself all alone in the world. This is a much better opening hook paragraph than before. It still needs a little tightening, but you're off to a great start.

Determined to carry on with the plan, of searching for her father and brother? Shelly sets sail with vengeance in her heart, with the crew that she gathered through the means of her skill with the sword and her absolute stubbornness. You really need to read The Dust of 100 Dogs. During her journeys, she discovers that her brother has now become a navy officer, making them each other’s enemies. The situation is further worsened by the fact that her brother now stands in the way of her revenge, as he is working for Doomham, the same man who is in some way responsible for the disappearance of her father and the destruction of her home. Furthermore, through her adventures Shelly finds out that her father is more than just some ordinary merchant, she herself is directly connected to Doomham, there is a dangerous treasure hidden in the waters of the Caribbean Sea that could spell certain doom if it reaches her enemy, and these three conditions are linked with one another. Now she must take her revenge, protect the lost treasure from falling in the wrong hands, find and unite her family, and ultimately decide which life she’d keep in the long run: her old, lawful one, or the new, illegal yet highly addictive one. Okay, so this paragraph is a long chunk of text, and it really ambles all over the place. The content underneath it all is good. I've got a clearer sense of the conflict now, and where the story goes, but you need to work on clarifying the execution and delivery of the information.

Completed at 90,000 words, THE UNTAMED ONE is my first novel a YA Historical Adventure (Adventure is not really a genre, but I'm not sure what else to call it). The manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Nabila Fairuz

Okay, to summarize, your first paragraph is so much better now. It really gets Shelly's character across much better, and I can see why she is someone we would want to read about. It's not perfect yet, but it's very close.

Your second paragraph has improved, and the information in it about the stakes and the details of the conflict are good, but it goes on for too long, and is hard to follow. See if you can work on being more concise, and try to convey the same concepts in fewer words.

I wish I could get specific about what to cut and what to keep from your second paragraph, but I think that has to be up to either you, or at least someone who has read the book.

That's it.

What do you all think?

Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query II

We've got another revision today. You can find Nabila's original query, here. And you can find my critique of it, here. If you didn't see the first post, please do take a look, because you can find the link to Nabila's blog there.

Now, let's get to the letter:

Dear _____

The youngest of three siblings, Shelly Manhar is hot-tempered, indecisive and always rushing into things. But never in her wildest dreams did she imagine becoming a pirate, until her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after their family home burns down. Along with her elder sister Anna, who is her only guide in life now, she decides to take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas gunpowder, blade and cannon. But when Anna dies unexpectedly just after they have taken their first ship, Shelly finds herself all alone in the world.

Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly sets sail with vengeance in her heart, with the crew that she gathered through the means of her skill with the sword and her absolute stubbornness. During her journeys, she discovers that her brother has now become a navy officer, making them each other’s enemies. The situation is further worsened by the fact that her brother now stands in the way of her revenge, as he is working for Doomham, the same man who is in some way responsible for the disappearance of her father and the destruction of her home. Furthermore, through her adventures Shelly finds out that her father is more than just some ordinary merchant, she herself is directly connected to Doomham, there is a dangerous treasure hidden in the waters of the Caribbean Sea that could spell certain doom if it reaches her enemy, and these three conditions are linked with one another. Now she must take her revenge, protect the lost treasure from falling in the wrong hands, find and unite her family, and ultimately decide which life she’d keep in the long run: her old, lawful one, or the new, illegal yet highly addictive one.

Completed at 90,000 words, THE UNTAMED ONE is my first novel. The manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Nabila Fairuz

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and have a wonderful Thursday.

Public Service Announcement: After today, I've got only one person waiting in line for a query critique. If you know anyone who is looking for help with their letter, send them my way. All they have to do is email me.

Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday, everyone! I wish I could say that with more energy, but I'm exhausted. Anyway, we've got Nabila's query again today, and those of you who've seen me do this before will know that my feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear _____

After a fire burned down her home and her father and brother were lost to piracy, I would normally advise you to begin with character, but this opening line sneaks in great backstory, and it mentions pirates, so I'm not sure you can improve on that. I mean hello? Pirates. Anna and Shelly Manhar did the only thing they could: become pirates themselves, in order to find their family. You need to really think about this. It's possible that Anna does not die until the story has already begun, and if so, perhaps that's your inciting incident, but you absolutely should not introduce these two characters at the same time like this. We need to be certain who your story is about, as soon as possible. But when Anna dies in a mission gone awry, Shelly is left all by herself. Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly gathers a crew and sets sail, looking for vengeance.

You've got a lot of awesome in this paragraph, but you need to re-structure things. First of all, I get the feeling this is a Young Adult novel (in the sense that Shelly is a teenager for most of the story). If that's the case, we need to know how old she is, ASAP. If not, her age is not as important, but we do need to know more about her character, ASAP.

I would suggest you re-write this opening to something along these lines:

Fearless seventeen-year-old Shelly Jones thinks she's lost everything when her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after the family home burns down, but she soon learns life is crueler than she ever could've imagined. She and her little sister Anna take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas with gunpowder, blade, and cannon. But when Anna dies in a mission gone awry, Shelly is left all by herself. Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly gathers a crew and sets sail, looking for vengeance.

That's not perfect, but I'm sure you get my drift.

But sailing is never easy for a pirate, and This sounds kind of cliche, and you don't need it. Words are at a premium in a query, so make sure every single one counts. Shelly shockingly finds out discovers that her once lost brother is now has become a navy officer, ergo making him her enemy. Furthermore, he is working for the very same man who is responsible for Shelly’s predicament. Huh? If you're going to introduce us to the antagonist in your query, you need to be more specific. Who is this man (you don't necessarily have to name him) and how is he responsible for Shelly's plight? Did he burn her house down? Why? Torn between her desire for revenge and her goal to reunite her loved ones, she learns that what she knew about her family was not entirely true, Vague. Be as specific as possible. and her own past is as mysterious as the girl who follows her around everywhere she goes. What girl? Either leave this out, or make it clearer. As her (mis)adventure takes her from one edge of the Caribbean Sea to the other, Shelly finds new friends while trying to stay alive, learns that families come in all shapes and sizes, and understands that hidden treasures are kept hidden for a number of reasons, one of which is so that the world remains safe. This doesn't end badly, but you should try to focus on a difficult choice Shelly must make to achieve her goals. I get the feeling she's going to have to choose between fighting her brother and his navy friends, or running.

Despite being a student of engineering, writing has always been my passion. You don't need this. THE UNTAMED ONE, is completed at 91,112 90,000 words, is my first novel. You need to tell us what the genre is, and this is as good a spot for that as any. I also have my own blog, named “My Own Little Corner”. I'm undecided on this. Your blog is so new, I'm not sure whether an agent is going to take that as a good or bad sign. Let's see what my readers think. If you are interested, I would gladly send you either the first few chapters or the manuscript. The manuscript is available on request. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Looking forward to hearing from you.

In summary, you've got the makings of what is obviously an awesome story here. Even through some of the issues with the query, I can tell there is an exciting and moving tale underneath. What you need to focus on is tightening this letter until you can get the three main points of every story across: Character, Conflict, Choice.

Introduce us to Shelly first, show us who she is, and give us a reason to care about her. Then sprinkle in the backstory, and show us the inciting incident (this can be the house burning down, her sister getting killed, or almost anything, it depends on the story).

After that, use your second paragraph to focus on the main conflict of your plot. It sounds like fencing with the navy, and her brother, is the meat of the story, so expand on that, and be specific about exactly what happens.

Finally, finish up with a tough choice Shelly has to make. Obviously, she doesn't want to kill her brother, but can she save him from the navy without risking her own life (or something like that, whatever it is)?

That's it!

I would also strongly suggest you read The Dust of 100 Dogs, by A.S. King. First, because it's awesome, but also because your story sounds somewhat similar.

What do you guys think? Anyone disagree with me? Surely one of you can write a better opening hook than I did. Please vote on whether you think Nabila should mention such a brand new blog in her query.

Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query

I'm almost positive none of you know Nabila, because she's new to blogging. She was sent my way by one of my very favorite bloggers, Angela Ackerman, from The Bookshelf Muse, the blog she runs with Rebecca Puglisi. I'm sure you're following Angela and Becca, but if you're not, you need to get on that. Their blog is one of the best online resources for writers, ever. Now, you're probably not following Nabila, but you should be. Her blog, My Own Little Corner, is great! And don't be scared off by the one post in (I think) Arabic, there are posts in English too.

So let's get to her query, remember, if you can, please save your feedback for tomorrow.

The letter:

Dear _____

After a fire burned down her home and her father and brother were lost to piracy, Anna and Shelly Manhar did the only thing they could: become pirates themselves, in order to find their family. But when Anna dies in a mission gone awry, Shelly is left all by herself. Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly gathers a crew and sets sail, looking for vengeance.

But sailing is never easy for a pirate, and Shelly shockingly finds out that her once lost brother is now a navy officer, ergo making him her enemy. Furthermore, he is working for the very same man who is responsible for Shelly’s predicament. Torn between her desire for revenge and her goal to reunite her loved ones, she learns that what she knew about her family was not entirely true, and her own past is as mysterious as the girl who follows her around everywhere she goes. As her (mis)adventure takes her from one edge of the Caribbean Sea to the other, Shelly finds new friends while trying to stay alive, learns that families come in all shapes and sizes, and understands that hidden treasures are kept hidden for a number of reasons, one of which is so that the world remains safe.

Despite being a student of engineering, writing has always been my passion. THE UNTAMED ONE, completed at 91,112 words, is my first novel. I also have my own blog, named “My Own Little Corner”. If you are interested, I would gladly send you either the first few chapters or the manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Looking forward to hearing from you.

That's it.

Please thank Nabila for being brave enough to share, and then save your feedback for tomorrow, which will be awesome, because it's Friday!