Stella's query will be in plain text, and my feedback will be in
red.
Here we go:
Dear Agent,
When ex-marine,
I like this. More characterization than many queries I see, but I would like even one more personality related word. We know what Mia used to do, but we don't know who she is. Fearless could work, or maybe hardcore or something with even more unique voice. Mia Mitchell, steps into a dark alley looking for a fight, she finds one.
I like this too, but I'm not sure whether you mean in general (as in every time), or if you mean specifically, this one time. The problem is she wakes up on a parallel world. That’s one mad left-hook.
As everyone pointed out yesterday, this line is awesome. It absolutely zings with voice.
That final line makes this opening hook almost good enough to work as it is. The problem is, we've only got an incredibly vague sense of what actually happens. My assumption is: she steps into a dark alley (for some unknown reason, but probably just because she's tough), some aliens jump her, and then she - somehow - gets randomly transferred to another world. This is not the kind of confusion you want to leave an agent with after reading your opening hook.
Get specific. Tell us who she fights. Explain how this waking up on an alternate world works. You can't afford to be vague.
The fight leads to a job offer any sane person would refuse.
What job offer? Be specific. So, she takes it.
I LOVE this. Stuff like this may sell your writing by itself. She’s got nothing to lose. Turns out the other side of the rabbit-hole leads to a utopia where freedom doesn’t exist,
I think you must mean dystopia. A utopia is supposed to be where everything is perfect. Unless you meant this tongue in cheek? and fighting for it means execution. Mia finds herself with an underground syndicate of men longing for freedom, but not all agree they need her to show them the way.
How did she end up in this syndicate? I thought she was just given a job? I like the concept, and it clearly provides tension and high stakes, which are great, but because it's so vague, I can't figure out what actually happens, or how one thing connects to the next.
At first she helps
(in order) to ensure her ticket home, but before long she's embroiled in a war unlike any she's known.
This too is vague, and a bit cliche. I would refer to it as an uprising, or maybe a revolution. I get the impression it's the slaves against the establishment, not actually a war between nations of equal power. The fight for
their the syndicate's independence becomes her own, and the last hope of salvation
for her tortured soul and wounded heart.
Cliche. Haunted by nightmares and post-traumatic stress, unsure who to trust or how to get home, she discovers the man who gave her the job isn’t being honest. It smells like a set up.
If this is the case, I would introduce Eben sooner. Because the way it's working here, it starts to feel a bit synopsis-ish.
Eben, an ex-slave, is trying to understand freedom
when all he’s known is oppression and cruelty. If' he's an ex-slave, we can infer what he's known in the past. He looks to Mia for more than redemption,
but for a connection he’s never felt with anyone. The problem is Mia wants to leave
(,) and if Eben can’t make her stay
(,) then the power struggle within the syndicate
can may make their battle for freedom impossible. But worse than that is losing the only person who hasn’t treated him as a slave.
This entire paragraph switches to Eben's POV. You don't want to do that in a query. It's fine to bring up the possible romantic angle, but you should try to do it from Mia's POV.
THE MALE AMENDMENT
this title makes me giggle. For some reason it makes me think of male genitalia. Immature, I know, but it is what it is. is a 115,000 word speculative/romantic novel with series potential and duelling POVs.
This is usually referred as alternating POVs, but I kind of like the way you put it here. Like the two narrators can never quite get along or agree or the solutions to their problems. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Stella Telleria
So, in summary: you've got some great things going on here. In particular, you have some moments of such wonderful, vibrant voice, I think you may garner some requests based on that alone. Definitely keep as much of that as you can. Additionally, it's clear to me you've got the makings of a truly unique story, and one that is full of potential for high stakes conflict.
The biggest problem with this query is lack of specificity. I don't understand how any of the science works, I don't have a clue about the society Mia suddenly finds herself in, and although I feel like I have a sense of the struggle the slaves must go through, I have almost no concept of who they're fighting against.
Other than getting much more specific, you just need a little better sense of Mia's character, and then you need to fix the final paragraph so that you still get that info across, but it's done from Mia's POV. There's nothing wrong with having multiple POVs in a novel, but in a query you want to focus on one character if you can (I'm sure this "rule" can be broken, but I've never seen it pulled off).
That's it.
What do you all think? Did you have any confusions I missed? Did something bother me that you were fine with? What else would you like to see in Stella's opening hook?
