We first saw Abhinav's query, here, and then critiqued it, here. We saw Abhinav's revision, here, and then critiqued it, here. Now Abhinav is back with a new revision, so let's get right to it.
The letter:
Dear [Agent Name]
Twenty-year-old Indira Ramsay has studied her entire life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen, leaving Indira broken and dejected.
The very next day, Eldritch has gone missing and the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And Indira is among their first targets.
Marked for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to survive her assailants and learn the truth of the enemy's schemes. They plan to have Eldritch use his newfound power and status to find the Empire's own hero, the man who defeated them centuries ago and disappeared after; they plan to have Eldritch kill him. And for some reason, Eldritch is willing.
The Empire. Above humanity. Above justice. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. She will live by it.
As the heroes incite riots in the city and stir the underclass to rebellion, Indira will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch from carrying out the enemy's plan, she will save the Empire at any cost.
Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?
THE BURNT STATE is a dual-POV adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.
I have had a short story titled "The Warrior Boy Who Would Not Suffer" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. I am a member of the Codex Writers' Group, an online community of neo-pro speculative fiction writers.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Abhinav Bhat
That's it!
Please thank Abhinav for sharing, and save your feedback until I have time to put the critique up.
Showing posts with label Queries - Examples. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Queries - Examples. Show all posts
Saturday, June 10, 2017
Monday, April 17, 2017
Todd Noker's Current Query Revised
Today we have Todd's query for TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS again, which you first saw here, and I critiqued, here, this time with Todd's revisions.
The letter:
Dear (Agent),
Preston Taylor is wise-ass seventeen-year-old who thinks he is smarter than the homeless-teens he encounters in Salt Lake City, because his problems aren’t permanent—but he eventually learns that he is just like them. He’s looking for his adult brother who moved out years ago to flee from their mother’s heroin addiction. When she disappears after another binge, Preston is on his own. The street-kids he meets abuse drugs, eat whatever they can find, and sell their bodies to survive. He doesn’t give a damn about their problems at first, because he is above their plight—he knows that his brother will take him in. When he befriends Zack Ellison, a young street-wise prostitute, Preston starts to feel like a big brother himself. Preston makes it to his brother’s last known address only to find that he has moved, leaving him permanently homeless. When Zack begs him to accompany him as a lookout on a date with a notorious John, Preston reluctantly agrees. Zack emerges from the trick broken and bleeding, and despite Preston’s attempt to save him, he disappears into the night and is never seen again.
People look away from desperate teens in this beautiful city with its pristine Mormon temple at the center, and it pisses Preston off. He must even the score with this John even if it jeopardizes his survival. He arranges a date and, while fighting to not be violently assaulted like Zack, kills him. Preston’s tragedy is the evidence that he feels everyone in this city must see, even if it means sacrificing his life.
TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS is a 61,000 word YA manuscript. An earlier version of this story won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.
I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Todd Noker
That's it!
Please thank Todd for sharing again, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
The letter:
Dear (Agent),
Preston Taylor is wise-ass seventeen-year-old who thinks he is smarter than the homeless-teens he encounters in Salt Lake City, because his problems aren’t permanent—but he eventually learns that he is just like them. He’s looking for his adult brother who moved out years ago to flee from their mother’s heroin addiction. When she disappears after another binge, Preston is on his own. The street-kids he meets abuse drugs, eat whatever they can find, and sell their bodies to survive. He doesn’t give a damn about their problems at first, because he is above their plight—he knows that his brother will take him in. When he befriends Zack Ellison, a young street-wise prostitute, Preston starts to feel like a big brother himself. Preston makes it to his brother’s last known address only to find that he has moved, leaving him permanently homeless. When Zack begs him to accompany him as a lookout on a date with a notorious John, Preston reluctantly agrees. Zack emerges from the trick broken and bleeding, and despite Preston’s attempt to save him, he disappears into the night and is never seen again.
People look away from desperate teens in this beautiful city with its pristine Mormon temple at the center, and it pisses Preston off. He must even the score with this John even if it jeopardizes his survival. He arranges a date and, while fighting to not be violently assaulted like Zack, kills him. Preston’s tragedy is the evidence that he feels everyone in this city must see, even if it means sacrificing his life.
TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS is a 61,000 word YA manuscript. An earlier version of this story won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.
I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Todd Noker
That's it!
Please thank Todd for sharing again, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Revised
We first saw Abhinav's query, here, and then critiqued it, here. Now Abhinav is back with a revision, so let's get right to it.
The letter:
Dear Agent
Indy Ramsay has studied her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite civil corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.
The very next day, the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And the Ramsay household is among their first targets.
Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. (Indy is presumed dead.) He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.
Unbeknownst to Eldritch, Indy is also alive. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for Eldritch to betray the Empire.
The Empire. Above humanity. Above her brother. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her.
She will live by it.
As the heroes incite riots in the city and the underclass rises up in rebellion against the Council, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.
Even if the cost be Eldritch himself.
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather as seen from their points of view. It is complete at 113,000 words.
That's it!
Except Abhinav also asks a few questions:
I have been told on quite a few forums that the POV shift from Indy to Eldritch to Indy is jarring and unrequired and that I should be writing in one POV only. And that it should be Indy only. Does the shift work given that this is a dual POV novel?
Many people are getting confused at the entire family being murdered and grandson left over, thinking that Indy's dead. I've added a clarification in brackets. Does it work?
Is my novel YA or Adult? The tone of my novel is distinctly adult I feel. But others say that if the protagonist is teenage, then it's YA, even though I've two protagonists, but then if I have two protagonists, it can't be YA others say. I've been advised to up the age from teenage to twenty to make it adult. I'm confused. Please advise.
Which I will get to tomorrow! Otherwise, please thank Abhinav for sharing this with us, and save your feedback until then!
The letter:
Dear Agent
Indy Ramsay has studied her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite civil corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.
The very next day, the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And the Ramsay household is among their first targets.
Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. (Indy is presumed dead.) He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.
Unbeknownst to Eldritch, Indy is also alive. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for Eldritch to betray the Empire.
The Empire. Above humanity. Above her brother. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her.
She will live by it.
As the heroes incite riots in the city and the underclass rises up in rebellion against the Council, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.
Even if the cost be Eldritch himself.
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather as seen from their points of view. It is complete at 113,000 words.
That's it!
Except Abhinav also asks a few questions:
I have been told on quite a few forums that the POV shift from Indy to Eldritch to Indy is jarring and unrequired and that I should be writing in one POV only. And that it should be Indy only. Does the shift work given that this is a dual POV novel?
Many people are getting confused at the entire family being murdered and grandson left over, thinking that Indy's dead. I've added a clarification in brackets. Does it work?
Is my novel YA or Adult? The tone of my novel is distinctly adult I feel. But others say that if the protagonist is teenage, then it's YA, even though I've two protagonists, but then if I have two protagonists, it can't be YA others say. I've been advised to up the age from teenage to twenty to make it adult. I'm confused. Please advise.
Which I will get to tomorrow! Otherwise, please thank Abhinav for sharing this with us, and save your feedback until then!
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Maria Anna Witt's Current Query
Today we have Maria Anna Witt's query for her YA novel CREEPY BOY.
Here's the letter:
Dear Ms/r (Agent Name)
I hope to interest you in my first novel, CREEPY BOY which explores the power of belief, in a psychological spin of FREAKY FRIDAY with a dark comic book twist.
Kelsey’s visions of a perfect Senior year go up in flames the night her boyfriend Dave crashes his car. Even his daring rescue of one of the passengers can’t erase the fact that he’d been drinking and driving. With Dave banished to an aunt’s farm for the summer, Kelsey’s stuck wishing she had warned him of her eerie premonition.
Kelsey knows Dave is facing lifelong guilt and strict terms of probation when they return to school in the fall. But she wishes he hadn’t appointed himself personal protector to Calvin, left disfigured and an amputee, by the accident. She can’t forget her dreams that predicted Calvin’s fate, or the feeling of danger she gets when she sees his secret artwork.
Calvin’s art is beautiful and disturbing: a comic book series depicting himself as an Angel of Death with the ability to swap souls, and Dave as his arch-nemesis. Accusing a brain-damaged accident victim of a supernatural revenge plot won’t get Kelsey any points for popularity or sanity, or restore her interrupted relationship with Dave. As Kelsey’s developing obsession with Calvin turns from fear to fascination, she becomes more convinced she has a psychic connection with him.
Since the day of the accident, Calvin’s been practicing the superpowers from his stories, with the goal of swapping his broken life for Dave’s life of wealth and privilege. But he can feel Kelsey closing in on him, and she’s getting too close to the truth. Making her part of his revenge is a surefire way to stop her, and when Calvin successfully takes over Kelsey’s body, his story becomes horrifyingly real.
Now there’s more than Kelsey’s reputation at stake. Dave’s worst enemy is using her body to get his ultimate revenge, and Kelsey is trapped inside Calvin’s damaged body, struggling to communicate. Instead of trying to get back together with Dave, Kelsey has to convince him that the girl he thinks he’s falling for is a deadly threat. To stop Calvin, she’s going to need to overcome his supernatural abilities and uncover the truth about what really happened the night of the accident.
CREEPY BOY is an 85,000 word Contemporary Young Adult novel with supernatural elements. It’s told in the alternating POV of Kelsey and Calvin, with plenty of twists and turns that keep the reader guessing. I’m seeking representation with the goal of pursuing a writing career, as I have other works in progress.
That's it!
Please thank Maria for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Here's the letter:
Dear Ms/r (Agent Name)
I hope to interest you in my first novel, CREEPY BOY which explores the power of belief, in a psychological spin of FREAKY FRIDAY with a dark comic book twist.
Kelsey’s visions of a perfect Senior year go up in flames the night her boyfriend Dave crashes his car. Even his daring rescue of one of the passengers can’t erase the fact that he’d been drinking and driving. With Dave banished to an aunt’s farm for the summer, Kelsey’s stuck wishing she had warned him of her eerie premonition.
Kelsey knows Dave is facing lifelong guilt and strict terms of probation when they return to school in the fall. But she wishes he hadn’t appointed himself personal protector to Calvin, left disfigured and an amputee, by the accident. She can’t forget her dreams that predicted Calvin’s fate, or the feeling of danger she gets when she sees his secret artwork.
Calvin’s art is beautiful and disturbing: a comic book series depicting himself as an Angel of Death with the ability to swap souls, and Dave as his arch-nemesis. Accusing a brain-damaged accident victim of a supernatural revenge plot won’t get Kelsey any points for popularity or sanity, or restore her interrupted relationship with Dave. As Kelsey’s developing obsession with Calvin turns from fear to fascination, she becomes more convinced she has a psychic connection with him.
Since the day of the accident, Calvin’s been practicing the superpowers from his stories, with the goal of swapping his broken life for Dave’s life of wealth and privilege. But he can feel Kelsey closing in on him, and she’s getting too close to the truth. Making her part of his revenge is a surefire way to stop her, and when Calvin successfully takes over Kelsey’s body, his story becomes horrifyingly real.
Now there’s more than Kelsey’s reputation at stake. Dave’s worst enemy is using her body to get his ultimate revenge, and Kelsey is trapped inside Calvin’s damaged body, struggling to communicate. Instead of trying to get back together with Dave, Kelsey has to convince him that the girl he thinks he’s falling for is a deadly threat. To stop Calvin, she’s going to need to overcome his supernatural abilities and uncover the truth about what really happened the night of the accident.
CREEPY BOY is an 85,000 word Contemporary Young Adult novel with supernatural elements. It’s told in the alternating POV of Kelsey and Calvin, with plenty of twists and turns that keep the reader guessing. I’m seeking representation with the goal of pursuing a writing career, as I have other works in progress.
That's it!
Please thank Maria for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Todd Noker's Current Query Critiqued
So sorry about yesterday, Todd! Things got crazy at work and I didn't have time to put your critique up. But here it is now! This critique is for Todd Noker's query for his current YA novel TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS, from Thursday. My feedback will be in blue.
Here's the letter:
Dear (Agent),
Seventeen-year-old Preston is on a journey to find his older brother, the only family he has left after his mother disappeared on a drug binge. Searching among thehomeless teen homeless-teen subculture of Salt Lake City, Preston is witness to drug overdoses, I would like to see more here. Overdoses are not the only tragedy that homeless kids suffer under. There is hunger, there is violence, there is sexual assault. Maybe just mention one or two other things? You've got plenty of room. and ultimately befriends Zack, who sells his body to survive. This is most excellent and you must read BROOKLYN, BURNING, by Steve Brezenoff. When Zack disappears after a tryst I don't care for this word here at all. Tryst implies a plan to meet, between lovers. Unless Zack is actually in love with the John he turns the trick with, I don't think tryst is the right word here. Is it a new customer? Someone he has serviced before? I would really like to see more specifics here. with a customer, Preston plans his revenge to even the score. Again, more. I get the impression from below that Preston decides to start turning tricks too, or least pretending to, so if that's the case just say so. But the man Normally I want the antagonist named, but I think this works. The only thing I need to know is whether this John purchased Zack's services often, or if this was the first time. has plenty of experience of his own, and Preston is locked in a situation where he might also be consumed in the same way as Zack—if he survives the date at all. This is actually pretty good. A bit vague, but I think it's probably important that we don't know whether Zack was killed or not.
Okay, wow. So, first of all, this may be the shortest query I've ever seen. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and realistic contemporary stories like this tend to require less in a query, so that's basically all good news.
It is, however, lacking some important things. First of all, the most important thing in any query letter is the CHARACTER. We have a good bit of backstory for Preston, and a missing addict mother certainly makes him a sympathetic character, but there are two things I think can be improved on here: 1) "find his older brother?" So, the brother is missing too? Not that that's impossible, but it feels a bit convenient for the brother to also go missing at the same time as the mom. Am I misunderstanding here? Why is he on a journey to find his older brother? If the brother was taken away by the state (oh by the way, I'm sure you have since I know you from Drew, but if you haven't you also must read STICK, by Andrew Smith), or might be on his way back from juvie or something, go ahead and put that in the query. Specificity is the key to a good query. 2) We know a good bit about where Preston came from, or at least his backstory, but we know nothing about what kind of person he is. Is he a delinquent before this story starts? Or does he lose his innocence on the streets? We need to sympathize with Preston right away, and be able to start rooting for him right off the bat. Just a couple of words about his CHARACTER in that first line would really help. You can see my query for RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE to see what I did to introduce Micah.
Otherwise, this query has some loose ends, regarding the mother and the brother, that never get wrapped up, but that's probably fine. You don't have to give away endings, and it seems like the vengeance for Zack is probably the climax.
Terms of the Innocents TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS (great title, by the way) is a 61,000 word YA manuscript that, while having a sarcastic tone, is gritty and intense. This is probably subjective, but I would cut this. Don't tell the agent what the prose is like, show them. The query should do that even if you don't get to include 5 pages. Preston is a compassionate wise-ass who feels that he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters, Um, HELLO!?! Put this in the query up top right away. This is perfect. but eventually learns he is just like them. This too. An earlier version of this novel story/manuscript won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.
I have two other titles published oniUniverse iUniverse, and one title published by their Star Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. Can you make this a hyperlink to something? Maybe this(link)? I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.
This is great. Agents love signing writers that already have a platform this well established.
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Readers, Todd mentioned in his email to me that he doesn't include this line with every query. Obviously this only goes out to agents that ask for pages in their submission guidelines.
Sincerely,
Todd Noker
Okay, man. In summary: first of all I just want to say I really want to read this novel. Having been homeless as a teenager myself, I very much want to see that experience explored more often in literature, and I think the story you're describing here sounds like an important and compelling one. I can't wait to hear the good news that you have sold this manuscript!
As for the query, it needs some work in places, but the good news is that you have plenty of room to include more (for those who don't know, I recommend keeping the "meat of the query" or in other words, the part that describes the story itself (not your bio, or the housekeeping details about the manuscript like word count and genre) to under 250 words. Todd's is 104 words long, so that's plenty of room to work with).
I would recommend that you especially focus on Preston, but you've kind of done your work for yourself already. Try an opening sentence that starts something like this (though in your voice, not mine):
"Seventeen-year-old Preston [Last Name] is a wise-cracking [skateboarder/graffiti artist/gutter punk] who thinks he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters on the streets of SLC. But when his mother disappears on another bender, he decides it’s finally time to search for his older brother who [insert why the brother’s gone], he discovers that most of them are just like him, with struggles and triumphs all their own."
Except, of course, better than that and in your own words.
Other than that opening with a better sense of who Preston is before his story starts, I'd like to see a better explanation of Zack's relationship with the John I assume is the antagonist, and if you can clarify that, I think you'd be in great shape here.
Let me know if you have any questions.
That's it!
What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.
Here's the letter:
Dear (Agent),
Seventeen-year-old Preston is on a journey to find his older brother, the only family he has left after his mother disappeared on a drug binge. Searching among the
Okay, wow. So, first of all, this may be the shortest query I've ever seen. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and realistic contemporary stories like this tend to require less in a query, so that's basically all good news.
It is, however, lacking some important things. First of all, the most important thing in any query letter is the CHARACTER. We have a good bit of backstory for Preston, and a missing addict mother certainly makes him a sympathetic character, but there are two things I think can be improved on here: 1) "find his older brother?" So, the brother is missing too? Not that that's impossible, but it feels a bit convenient for the brother to also go missing at the same time as the mom. Am I misunderstanding here? Why is he on a journey to find his older brother? If the brother was taken away by the state (oh by the way, I'm sure you have since I know you from Drew, but if you haven't you also must read STICK, by Andrew Smith), or might be on his way back from juvie or something, go ahead and put that in the query. Specificity is the key to a good query. 2) We know a good bit about where Preston came from, or at least his backstory, but we know nothing about what kind of person he is. Is he a delinquent before this story starts? Or does he lose his innocence on the streets? We need to sympathize with Preston right away, and be able to start rooting for him right off the bat. Just a couple of words about his CHARACTER in that first line would really help. You can see my query for RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE to see what I did to introduce Micah.
Otherwise, this query has some loose ends, regarding the mother and the brother, that never get wrapped up, but that's probably fine. You don't have to give away endings, and it seems like the vengeance for Zack is probably the climax.
I have two other titles published on
This is great. Agents love signing writers that already have a platform this well established.
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Readers, Todd mentioned in his email to me that he doesn't include this line with every query. Obviously this only goes out to agents that ask for pages in their submission guidelines.
Sincerely,
Todd Noker
Okay, man. In summary: first of all I just want to say I really want to read this novel. Having been homeless as a teenager myself, I very much want to see that experience explored more often in literature, and I think the story you're describing here sounds like an important and compelling one. I can't wait to hear the good news that you have sold this manuscript!
As for the query, it needs some work in places, but the good news is that you have plenty of room to include more (for those who don't know, I recommend keeping the "meat of the query" or in other words, the part that describes the story itself (not your bio, or the housekeeping details about the manuscript like word count and genre) to under 250 words. Todd's is 104 words long, so that's plenty of room to work with).
I would recommend that you especially focus on Preston, but you've kind of done your work for yourself already. Try an opening sentence that starts something like this (though in your voice, not mine):
"Seventeen-year-old Preston [Last Name] is a wise-cracking [skateboarder/graffiti artist/gutter punk] who thinks he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters on the streets of SLC. But when his mother disappears on another bender, he decides it’s finally time to search for his older brother who [insert why the brother’s gone], he discovers that most of them are just like him, with struggles and triumphs all their own."
Except, of course, better than that and in your own words.
Other than that opening with a better sense of who Preston is before his story starts, I'd like to see a better explanation of Zack's relationship with the John I assume is the antagonist, and if you can clarify that, I think you'd be in great shape here.
Let me know if you have any questions.
That's it!
What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Todd Noker's Current Query
Today we have Todd Noker's query for his current YA novel TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS.
Here's the letter:
Dear (Agent),
Seventeen-year-old Preston is on a journey to find his older brother, the only family he has left after his mother disappeared on a drug binge. Searching among the homeless teen subculture of Salt Lake City, Preston is witness to drug overdoses, and ultimately befriends Zack, who sells his body to survive. When Zack disappears after a tryst with a customer, Preston plans his revenge to even the score. But the man has plenty of experience of his own, and Preston is locked in a situation where he might also be consumed in the same way as Zack—if he survives the date at all.
Terms of the Innocents is a 61,000 word YA manuscript that, while having a sarcastic tone, is gritty and intense. Preston is a compassionate wise-ass who feels that he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters, but eventually learns he is just like them. An earlier version of this novel won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.
I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Todd Noker
That's it!
Please thank Todd for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Here's the letter:
Dear (Agent),
Seventeen-year-old Preston is on a journey to find his older brother, the only family he has left after his mother disappeared on a drug binge. Searching among the homeless teen subculture of Salt Lake City, Preston is witness to drug overdoses, and ultimately befriends Zack, who sells his body to survive. When Zack disappears after a tryst with a customer, Preston plans his revenge to even the score. But the man has plenty of experience of his own, and Preston is locked in a situation where he might also be consumed in the same way as Zack—if he survives the date at all.
Terms of the Innocents is a 61,000 word YA manuscript that, while having a sarcastic tone, is gritty and intense. Preston is a compassionate wise-ass who feels that he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters, but eventually learns he is just like them. An earlier version of this novel won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.
I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.
The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Todd Noker
That's it!
Please thank Todd for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Friday, February 24, 2017
Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Critiqued
Today we have Abhinav's query again, this time with my thoughts, in blue.
Here's the letter:
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent
Indy Ramsay has trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps What is this? Corps makes it sound pretty militaristic. Is this Empire under military control? Or this more like a congress of leaders? The word council helps, but it would be great if you could get even more specific. This is actually pretty nit-picky of me, to be honest, but your opening is quite good, so it's difficult to find things that can be improved upon. that runs the Ever Empire. I really like this name. It rolls smoothly off the tongue. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, Is this a bit too on the nose? This is a word, albeit a kind of archaic one, but I'm sure you know that. Hard to judge from the query, but I'm sure it works in the book. who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy. Hmm. Wow. Now that's a twist I didn't see coming.
All in all, this is a really good opening. You introduce Indy right away, and you subtly and skillfully set up her backstory so that we know what kind of person she is (ambitious, dutiful, honor-bound). If I was to nit-pick one big picture item about this opening, it would probably be that we don't really have a major reason to sympathize with Indy right away. I mean, you do kind of set up this nice conflict where her dreams are suddenly torn away from her, but it would be nice to get one more element of her character that was clearly sympathetic, so that we could root for her from the very beginning.
The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; What does this mean? Like literally? Physically under siege? This is vague. Vague language is the greatest enemy of a good query. the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament So there's a Reverend Council and a Parliament? Or is the Parliament just the building the Council meets in? For the most part this is all very good, but this part is a bit confusing. stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. Wait, what? I though Indy was a girl? Is this some other character?
He will get his grandson back, he is told, By whom? The unknown enemy? Unless there's some specific plot twist reason not to reveal this detail in the query, don't hold back. if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Man, this is some great conflict and a truly sadistic choice. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Whoa. Now this sounds cool. Let them save whoever they can.
Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive. Ah, okay. So it's two different characters. Got it. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants Again, this is vague. We have no idea who these antagonists are. and learn of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.
Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her.
She will live by it. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might We have no idea what this means. Be specific. Is it an army? to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, Oh, interesting twist, this. she will save the Empire at any cost.
Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself? Nice.
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words. This is great. One more detail that might help, since the query isn't clear on this, is whether this book is narrated from their alternating points of view. If I had to guess, I would say it probably is, because A) Indy is a teenager and if it was just her it would be a young adult novel most likely, and B) the query seems to point to a good deal of the story being about Eldritch, with no involvement from Indy. It can sometimes help to clarify that her in your housekeeping section, but it's not necessarily required.
I have had a short story titled "Blah Blah Blah" published inApex Magazine Apex Magazine in 2016. This is my first novel. You don't need this.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Abhinav Bhat
In summary, this query is already quite good. The opening is especially strong. There is a good deal of vague language in the middle, but you finish up strong, and I think if you clarified a few things in the middle, you'd be in excellent shape, and would probably get a high rate of requests if you started sending this out.
That's it!
What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.
Here's the letter:
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent
Indy Ramsay has trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps What is this? Corps makes it sound pretty militaristic. Is this Empire under military control? Or this more like a congress of leaders? The word council helps, but it would be great if you could get even more specific. This is actually pretty nit-picky of me, to be honest, but your opening is quite good, so it's difficult to find things that can be improved upon. that runs the Ever Empire. I really like this name. It rolls smoothly off the tongue. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, Is this a bit too on the nose? This is a word, albeit a kind of archaic one, but I'm sure you know that. Hard to judge from the query, but I'm sure it works in the book. who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy. Hmm. Wow. Now that's a twist I didn't see coming.
All in all, this is a really good opening. You introduce Indy right away, and you subtly and skillfully set up her backstory so that we know what kind of person she is (ambitious, dutiful, honor-bound). If I was to nit-pick one big picture item about this opening, it would probably be that we don't really have a major reason to sympathize with Indy right away. I mean, you do kind of set up this nice conflict where her dreams are suddenly torn away from her, but it would be nice to get one more element of her character that was clearly sympathetic, so that we could root for her from the very beginning.
The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; What does this mean? Like literally? Physically under siege? This is vague. Vague language is the greatest enemy of a good query. the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament So there's a Reverend Council and a Parliament? Or is the Parliament just the building the Council meets in? For the most part this is all very good, but this part is a bit confusing. stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. Wait, what? I though Indy was a girl? Is this some other character?
He will get his grandson back, he is told, By whom? The unknown enemy? Unless there's some specific plot twist reason not to reveal this detail in the query, don't hold back. if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Man, this is some great conflict and a truly sadistic choice. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Whoa. Now this sounds cool. Let them save whoever they can.
Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive. Ah, okay. So it's two different characters. Got it. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants Again, this is vague. We have no idea who these antagonists are. and learn of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.
Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her.
She will live by it. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might We have no idea what this means. Be specific. Is it an army? to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, Oh, interesting twist, this. she will save the Empire at any cost.
Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself? Nice.
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words. This is great. One more detail that might help, since the query isn't clear on this, is whether this book is narrated from their alternating points of view. If I had to guess, I would say it probably is, because A) Indy is a teenager and if it was just her it would be a young adult novel most likely, and B) the query seems to point to a good deal of the story being about Eldritch, with no involvement from Indy. It can sometimes help to clarify that her in your housekeeping section, but it's not necessarily required.
I have had a short story titled "Blah Blah Blah" published in
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Abhinav Bhat
In summary, this query is already quite good. The opening is especially strong. There is a good deal of vague language in the middle, but you finish up strong, and I think if you clarified a few things in the middle, you'd be in excellent shape, and would probably get a high rate of requests if you started sending this out.
That's it!
What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Abhinav Bhat's Current Query
Today we have Abhinav Bhat's query for his current Adult Fantasy project THE BURNT STATE.
Here's the letter:
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent
Indy Ramsay has trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.
The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson.
He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.
Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.
Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her.
She will live by it. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.
Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.
I have had a short story titled "Blah Blah Blah" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Abhinav Bhat
That's it!
Please thank Abhinav for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Here's the letter:
Dear Mr./Ms. Agent
Indy Ramsay has trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.
The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson.
He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.
Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.
Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her.
She will live by it. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.
Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?
THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.
I have had a short story titled "Blah Blah Blah" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Abhinav Bhat
That's it!
Please thank Abhinav for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Colleen Fackler's Current Query Critiqued
Today we have Colleen Fackler's current query for her Picture Book GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH.
The query:
Dear FULL NAME:
This may very from agent to agent, because after all, agents are human beings, but it would be most professional, in a cold query email, to refer to the agent as Ms. LAST NAME or Mr. LAST NAME. If they reply to you at some point and sign it with just their first name, it's fine to start referring to them by their first name, but until then, use Mr. or Ms.
Below is Good Guy Meets Schmoosh, my 500-word picture book for your consideration.
What does this mean? Are you trying to point out that the entire text of the book is included below? If so, mention that below, not here (and be sure to adhere to submission guidelines for the agency, to make sure they allow the entire text to be included). If not, and this is just some sort of introductory line to your query, skip it.
I would recommend you use this space, however, to introduce why you're querying that specific agent. Obviously you can't include it here, because this is a generic letter, but if you are querying a particular agent because of a specific book or author they have represented, or because you met them at a conference, or because you read a blog post of theirs you liked, be sure to mention that.
Good Guy Meets Schmoosh GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH is the heartwarming This reads as a little pretentious to me. I don't know, maybe "heartwarming" is a category for PBs, like "Sweet Romance" or something, but calling something you wrote "heartwarming" just makes me cringe a little. The entire text of the story is included, right? Maybe let the agent decide if it's heartwarming. Unless that's a category thing for PBs. If so, ignore me. story of Guy, a young boy who is rewarded by his parents for his consistently moral behavior Don't take this the wrong way, but that's the driest character description I've seen in a query in a while. "Consistent Moral Behavior," sounds like something that would be fitted to a rubber stamp that would go down on "Your Permanent Record." Can you be more specific? And colorful? I realize this is a picture book, so there's not a lot in the way of character arc going on, but this reads very dry. I'll say more below. with the opportunity to purchase a puppy. On his way to the pet store, Guy spots a stray dog that he cannot stop thinking about, even once faced with puppies galore. His mom, initially concerned with the potential danger associated with rescuing a dog, is hesitant to introduce Guy to a stray, but soon realizes that Guy wants nothing more than to save Schmoosh from a lonely life on the streets.
Okay, so much of this is actually pretty good. I realize that PBs are very compact by way of plot, and leave little room for things like characterization, but you've actually got some good stuff going here, both in terms of the mom, and in terms of Guy. I would probably only recommend (and keep in mind, as I said in our emails, that my expertise, if you can call it that, with query letters really lies more int he realm of YA and MG novel length works, so I could easily be wrong about the "rules" for Picture Books), that in general, story is story, and when it comes to queries, there are three things which are the most important (actually only two, but I'll get to that).
CHARACTER. When we read, all of us who are human at least, we want to be entertained, sure, but mostly we want to care. Give us someone to care about, and we will follow you anywhere. So, with that being said, the most important thing any query letter can do is introduce us to a complex, sympathetic, interesting character (protagonist) that we can immediately begin to care about and root for right away. You have Guy here, and with his reaction to the stray on the street I do like him, but get that Save the Cat moment (or some other likable moment) introduced in the query right away. In other words, do away with "Consistent Moral Behavior," and come up with something better. Something more specific, more vivid, and more interesting (but unlike the moment with the stray, this is something from his backstory, something that makes him GOOD Guy, rather than just Guy). Obviously this won't be something actually from the book, since this is a 500 word PB, but it can be something very basic, as long as its not vague. Vagueness is the number one aspect that can make a good story into a poor query.
CONFLICT. When you take a character the reader cares about, and throw them into some conflict, that's when it becomes a story. The character must overcome something in order to make their narrative interesting. You've clearly got that here, with the decision between purchasing a pet store puppy and saving a stray from the street who needs a home, and I actually think you nail it quite well here. It's simple, it's straightforward, it's the kind of decision many many people have faced.
CHOICE. In a query for a novel length work, it's relatively standard to wrap up with what's known as a sadistic choice [Fair Warning that's a link to a TV Tropes article. You've been warned]. I don't know that that's really a requirement for Picture Books, but you've actually got one built in here already. At least, it's implied. You might consider laying it out specifically, the difficult choice Guy must make between an adorable Poky Little Puppy, and and good family-less dog named Schmoosh who truly needs his love, and what some of the implications of that choice are, but I would also say if you left it how you have it now it's not bad.
Each year, of the 7.5 million animals that even make it into rescue shelters, 2.7 million are euthanized. A stigma of poor upbringing and therefore danger and illness is often associated with rescuing a homeless animal. Families often opt to buy puppies or kittens from breeders instead. Good Guy Meets Schmoosh aims to kick this reputation to the curb.
This is mostly good. I would do a little research on the phrase "kicked to the curb," though. I'm not sure it fits that well with the aesthetic of the rest of this letter.
Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is my first children’s book. I am 30 years old, I just had my first child in July, and CUT THIS. I have worked in the media industry for 12 years. Doing what? Be SPECIFIC. I have been published in the form of editorials, church bulletins, If you can't list specific magazine titles (which would go in italics for titles of published works, then skip this). and work-related POV’s, I have no idea what this means. Cut it. but I always only written poetry as an outlet. Cut. I'll explain below. As a rescue dog mom myself, if the success of this book saves even just one homeless animal’s life, it was worth my time. This is pretty good. Keep this last line.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a first time author. Agents sign them every day. If you have excellent and extensive writing credentials, and dozens of magazine article and short story credits to your name, that's great. But if you don't, don't worry about it. No biography, no matter how good it is, is going to sell a bad story. If you're a first time author, let your story speak for itself.
This is a multiple submission. Nope. Cut. This is understood to be implied. If an agency's (or an agent's) submission guidelines specifically ask for exclusive submissions, then send a query only to that agent if you want them to represent you. Do not query anyone else until you have heard back from them. But weigh this choice against your other options, of course, and don't give them forever. I truly look forward to your feedback and I thank you kindly for your review and consideration.
Respectfully,
Colleen M. Fackler
That's it!
Please share your thoughts and feedback below.
The query:
Dear FULL NAME:
This may very from agent to agent, because after all, agents are human beings, but it would be most professional, in a cold query email, to refer to the agent as Ms. LAST NAME or Mr. LAST NAME. If they reply to you at some point and sign it with just their first name, it's fine to start referring to them by their first name, but until then, use Mr. or Ms.
Below is Good Guy Meets Schmoosh, my 500-word picture book for your consideration.
What does this mean? Are you trying to point out that the entire text of the book is included below? If so, mention that below, not here (and be sure to adhere to submission guidelines for the agency, to make sure they allow the entire text to be included). If not, and this is just some sort of introductory line to your query, skip it.
I would recommend you use this space, however, to introduce why you're querying that specific agent. Obviously you can't include it here, because this is a generic letter, but if you are querying a particular agent because of a specific book or author they have represented, or because you met them at a conference, or because you read a blog post of theirs you liked, be sure to mention that.
Okay, so much of this is actually pretty good. I realize that PBs are very compact by way of plot, and leave little room for things like characterization, but you've actually got some good stuff going here, both in terms of the mom, and in terms of Guy. I would probably only recommend (and keep in mind, as I said in our emails, that my expertise, if you can call it that, with query letters really lies more int he realm of YA and MG novel length works, so I could easily be wrong about the "rules" for Picture Books), that in general, story is story, and when it comes to queries, there are three things which are the most important (actually only two, but I'll get to that).
CHARACTER. When we read, all of us who are human at least, we want to be entertained, sure, but mostly we want to care. Give us someone to care about, and we will follow you anywhere. So, with that being said, the most important thing any query letter can do is introduce us to a complex, sympathetic, interesting character (protagonist) that we can immediately begin to care about and root for right away. You have Guy here, and with his reaction to the stray on the street I do like him, but get that Save the Cat moment (or some other likable moment) introduced in the query right away. In other words, do away with "Consistent Moral Behavior," and come up with something better. Something more specific, more vivid, and more interesting (but unlike the moment with the stray, this is something from his backstory, something that makes him GOOD Guy, rather than just Guy). Obviously this won't be something actually from the book, since this is a 500 word PB, but it can be something very basic, as long as its not vague. Vagueness is the number one aspect that can make a good story into a poor query.
CONFLICT. When you take a character the reader cares about, and throw them into some conflict, that's when it becomes a story. The character must overcome something in order to make their narrative interesting. You've clearly got that here, with the decision between purchasing a pet store puppy and saving a stray from the street who needs a home, and I actually think you nail it quite well here. It's simple, it's straightforward, it's the kind of decision many many people have faced.
CHOICE. In a query for a novel length work, it's relatively standard to wrap up with what's known as a sadistic choice [Fair Warning that's a link to a TV Tropes article. You've been warned]. I don't know that that's really a requirement for Picture Books, but you've actually got one built in here already. At least, it's implied. You might consider laying it out specifically, the difficult choice Guy must make between an adorable Poky Little Puppy, and and good family-less dog named Schmoosh who truly needs his love, and what some of the implications of that choice are, but I would also say if you left it how you have it now it's not bad.
Each year, of the 7.5 million animals that even make it into rescue shelters, 2.7 million are euthanized. A stigma of poor upbringing and therefore danger and illness is often associated with rescuing a homeless animal. Families often opt to buy puppies or kittens from breeders instead. Good Guy Meets Schmoosh aims to kick this reputation to the curb.
This is mostly good. I would do a little research on the phrase "kicked to the curb," though. I'm not sure it fits that well with the aesthetic of the rest of this letter.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a first time author. Agents sign them every day. If you have excellent and extensive writing credentials, and dozens of magazine article and short story credits to your name, that's great. But if you don't, don't worry about it. No biography, no matter how good it is, is going to sell a bad story. If you're a first time author, let your story speak for itself.
Respectfully,
Colleen M. Fackler
That's it!
Please share your thoughts and feedback below.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Colleen Fackler's Current Query
Today we have Colleen Fackler's query for her current PB project GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH.
Here's the letter:
Dear FULL NAME:
Below is Good Guy Meets Schmoosh, my 500-word picture book for your consideration.
Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is the heartwarming story of Guy, a young boy who is rewarded by his parents for his consistently moral behavior with the opportunity to purchase a puppy. On his way to the pet store, Guy spots a stray dog that he cannot stop thinking about, even once faced with puppies galore. His mom, initially concerned with the potential danger associated with rescuing a dog, is hesitant to introduce Guy to a stray, but soon realizes that Guy wants nothing more than to save Schmoosh from a lonely life on the streets.
Each year, of the 7.5 million animals that even make it into rescue shelters, 2.7 million are euthanized. A stigma of poor upbringing and therefore danger and illness is often associated with rescuing a homeless animal. Families often opt to buy puppies or kittens from breeders instead. Good Guy Meets Schmoosh aims to kick this reputation to the curb.
Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is my first children’s book. I am 30 years old, I just had my first child in July, and I have worked in the media industry for 12 years. I have been published in the form of editorials, church bulletins, and work-related POV’s, but I always only written poetry as an outlet. As a rescue dog mom myself, if the success of this book saves even just one homeless animal’s life, it was worth my time.
This is a multiple submission. I truly look forward to your feedback and I thank you kindly for your review and consideration.
Respectfully,
Colleen M. Fackler
GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH (a snippet)
On a little city street,
Where buses would pass by,
Lived a young and stellar lad
Whose parents named him Guy.
He always did the right thing
Or at least he’d try,
And when his neighbors would see him, they’d wave
And say, “there goes that Good Guy!”
Because their son behaved so well
His parents finally agreed
Guy could pick out a dog of his choice
Any age, any breed!
Guy decided that getting a puppy
Would surely make him content.
So on a cloudy Saturday,
Off to the pet store they went.
As they waited at a light,
Guy began to stare
At a dog he’d seen before
With no owner to care.
It appeared he had no tags
A blanket, but no bed.
And by the looks of his frailty
He clearly hadn’t been fed.
“I think that dog could use some help
Could you pull over Mom, please?”
“I think we better keep going, Guy.
That dog could have a disease.”
They drove along and Guy did try
To forget the dog on the street
Instead he tried to focus on
The puppies he would meet!
That's it!
Please thank Colleen for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Here's the letter:
Dear FULL NAME:
Below is Good Guy Meets Schmoosh, my 500-word picture book for your consideration.
Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is the heartwarming story of Guy, a young boy who is rewarded by his parents for his consistently moral behavior with the opportunity to purchase a puppy. On his way to the pet store, Guy spots a stray dog that he cannot stop thinking about, even once faced with puppies galore. His mom, initially concerned with the potential danger associated with rescuing a dog, is hesitant to introduce Guy to a stray, but soon realizes that Guy wants nothing more than to save Schmoosh from a lonely life on the streets.
Each year, of the 7.5 million animals that even make it into rescue shelters, 2.7 million are euthanized. A stigma of poor upbringing and therefore danger and illness is often associated with rescuing a homeless animal. Families often opt to buy puppies or kittens from breeders instead. Good Guy Meets Schmoosh aims to kick this reputation to the curb.
Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is my first children’s book. I am 30 years old, I just had my first child in July, and I have worked in the media industry for 12 years. I have been published in the form of editorials, church bulletins, and work-related POV’s, but I always only written poetry as an outlet. As a rescue dog mom myself, if the success of this book saves even just one homeless animal’s life, it was worth my time.
This is a multiple submission. I truly look forward to your feedback and I thank you kindly for your review and consideration.
Respectfully,
Colleen M. Fackler
GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH (a snippet)
On a little city street,
Where buses would pass by,
Lived a young and stellar lad
Whose parents named him Guy.
He always did the right thing
Or at least he’d try,
And when his neighbors would see him, they’d wave
And say, “there goes that Good Guy!”
Because their son behaved so well
His parents finally agreed
Guy could pick out a dog of his choice
Any age, any breed!
Guy decided that getting a puppy
Would surely make him content.
So on a cloudy Saturday,
Off to the pet store they went.
As they waited at a light,
Guy began to stare
At a dog he’d seen before
With no owner to care.
It appeared he had no tags
A blanket, but no bed.
And by the looks of his frailty
He clearly hadn’t been fed.
“I think that dog could use some help
Could you pull over Mom, please?”
“I think we better keep going, Guy.
That dog could have a disease.”
They drove along and Guy did try
To forget the dog on the street
Instead he tried to focus on
The puppies he would meet!
That's it!
Please thank Colleen for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Tanya Miranda's Current Query Revised
Today we have Tanya Miranda's current query. The previous version was shared here, and critiqued here.
Here's the letter:
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for Box of Souls, an urban fantasy novel that is complete at 55,000 words.
As ancient rules dictate, a sage sorceress must choose a female kin down her bloodline to inherit her powers before she dies. When eighteen-year-old Jasmyn's grandmother passes away, it is eight-year-old Katarina who begins to display the gift of sorcery. This newest rejection proves Jasmyn's life-long claim that her family loves Katarina more than they love her, and instead of mourning with her family, she bears her grandmother’s death alone.
After the funeral, menacing dragons appear along the west coast of California, the same dragons Jasmyn's grandmother banished centuries ago. Patricia and Regina, two sage sorceresses from their grandmother’s coven, discover that Katarina accidentally read a spell from the Book of Whispers releasing the Gregorn Dragons from their prison. Since Katarina is the chosen one, she is the only one who can stop them.
When Katarina’s magic fails, the sage witches realize that Jasmyn had indeed shown signs of sorcery, but they were too focused on Katarina to notice. Somehow, their grandmother’s gift is split between both Katarina and Jasmyn, and now the two sisters must work together to destroy the dragons.
There's just one problem - Jasmyn ran away when a feud earlier had the entire family pinned against her, shunning her from her home. Now, Patricia and Regina are in a race to get to Jasmyn before the dragons get to her first. The Gregorn Dragons have magic of their own and can sense the division of power between the two sisters. They know the two fledgling witches are the only ones who can stop them, and they want them eliminated.
Can Jasmyn and Katarina reunite in time to stop the Gregorn Dragons from destroying mankind? Can Jasmyn put her pain and resentment aside to wield their grandmother's magic? The bond of sisterhood is strong, but so are powers of darkness.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Tanya
That's it!
Please thank Tanya for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow!
Here's the letter:
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for Box of Souls, an urban fantasy novel that is complete at 55,000 words.
As ancient rules dictate, a sage sorceress must choose a female kin down her bloodline to inherit her powers before she dies. When eighteen-year-old Jasmyn's grandmother passes away, it is eight-year-old Katarina who begins to display the gift of sorcery. This newest rejection proves Jasmyn's life-long claim that her family loves Katarina more than they love her, and instead of mourning with her family, she bears her grandmother’s death alone.
After the funeral, menacing dragons appear along the west coast of California, the same dragons Jasmyn's grandmother banished centuries ago. Patricia and Regina, two sage sorceresses from their grandmother’s coven, discover that Katarina accidentally read a spell from the Book of Whispers releasing the Gregorn Dragons from their prison. Since Katarina is the chosen one, she is the only one who can stop them.
When Katarina’s magic fails, the sage witches realize that Jasmyn had indeed shown signs of sorcery, but they were too focused on Katarina to notice. Somehow, their grandmother’s gift is split between both Katarina and Jasmyn, and now the two sisters must work together to destroy the dragons.
There's just one problem - Jasmyn ran away when a feud earlier had the entire family pinned against her, shunning her from her home. Now, Patricia and Regina are in a race to get to Jasmyn before the dragons get to her first. The Gregorn Dragons have magic of their own and can sense the division of power between the two sisters. They know the two fledgling witches are the only ones who can stop them, and they want them eliminated.
Can Jasmyn and Katarina reunite in time to stop the Gregorn Dragons from destroying mankind? Can Jasmyn put her pain and resentment aside to wield their grandmother's magic? The bond of sisterhood is strong, but so are powers of darkness.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Tanya
That's it!
Please thank Tanya for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow!
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Anthony Isom's Current Query
Today we have Anthony Isom's query for his current project, REAL GOOD.
Here's the letter:
[Insert Agent Here]
My name is Anthony Isom. I am seeking representation for REAL GOOD, my 43,000-word young adult manuscript, which I view as a cross between David Levithan’s BOY MEETS BOY and Lauren Myracle’s SHINE. While the story contains a hate crime, its clutch and pulse hinge on a love triangle between three boys—the narrator, his boyfriend, and his best friend.
17-year-old Adam Sutton knows he should have kissed his boyfriend, Terry Connelly, by now just as he knows it is strange and yet intriguing his best friend, Evan Michaels, kissed him in the front seat of Evan’s Tahoe. While exploring his newly-disrupted world, Adam receives disturbing news of a trauma that, though impersonal, rattles him—a freshman boy named Carter Morreson, the innocent victim of a hate crime, was tied to his bed by four junior boys and beaten to a pulp. Adam wants nothing to do with this Carter Morreson, even while Terry campaigns for a Gay-Straight Alliance and Evan offers his and Adam’s protection services to Carter himself. One night, while sleeping on Carter’s floor and guarding against any rumored threats, Adam discovers Carter’s not telling anyone the full story. Someone had to unlock that door and, of the four boys expelled, none of them had access to a key. Adam knows he must confront Carter but cannot muster the courage, especially when he’s still so tentative about taking a stand for the first ever Pisgah Heights Academy Gay-Straight Alliance.
That's it.
Please thank Anthony for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Here's the letter:
[Insert Agent Here]
My name is Anthony Isom. I am seeking representation for REAL GOOD, my 43,000-word young adult manuscript, which I view as a cross between David Levithan’s BOY MEETS BOY and Lauren Myracle’s SHINE. While the story contains a hate crime, its clutch and pulse hinge on a love triangle between three boys—the narrator, his boyfriend, and his best friend.
17-year-old Adam Sutton knows he should have kissed his boyfriend, Terry Connelly, by now just as he knows it is strange and yet intriguing his best friend, Evan Michaels, kissed him in the front seat of Evan’s Tahoe. While exploring his newly-disrupted world, Adam receives disturbing news of a trauma that, though impersonal, rattles him—a freshman boy named Carter Morreson, the innocent victim of a hate crime, was tied to his bed by four junior boys and beaten to a pulp. Adam wants nothing to do with this Carter Morreson, even while Terry campaigns for a Gay-Straight Alliance and Evan offers his and Adam’s protection services to Carter himself. One night, while sleeping on Carter’s floor and guarding against any rumored threats, Adam discovers Carter’s not telling anyone the full story. Someone had to unlock that door and, of the four boys expelled, none of them had access to a key. Adam knows he must confront Carter but cannot muster the courage, especially when he’s still so tentative about taking a stand for the first ever Pisgah Heights Academy Gay-Straight Alliance.
That's it.
Please thank Anthony for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Andrea Franco-Cook's Current Query Revised
Today we have a revision for Andrea Franco-Cook's query, which we had a look at in August.
The query:
Dear Agent,
Soledad Mendoza is mankind's last hope. At least that's what the winged Mayan god who shows up after her father's death tells her. But she is an unlikely hero. The young English professor doesn't understand why a god would choose a person whose weakness for scotch makes her a prime candidate for a twelve-step program. Growing up in the sleepy town of Charleston, West Virginia never prepared her for anything like this.
In the 1500s the Mayan God secretly entrusted her conquistador ancestor with the Ouroboros Amulet, a weapon containing the power of Heaven, which only one Mendoza descendant can wield. Too bad, her father took the amulet's location to his grave.
That's only the beginning of her troubles. She learns that her late father's friend, U.S. Senator Earl Edmondson, is aligned with a malevolent god who will assure the politician's ascendance to the presidency. Knowing that his only obstacle is the amulet that Soledad seeks, the senator turns his dark eye on her.
As her enemies converge, the winged god offers a strategy to help, but his motives aren't exactly noble. Soledad discovers that she is merely a pawn in a supernatural game of treachery. If she is to stop Edmondson from ascending to the White House, she must find the amulet and the strength within herself to defeat him, or there will be Hell on Earth.
Pawn of The Gods is a completed 95,000 word Urban Fantasy novel, and it is the first of a planned trilogy. This tale of an ordinary English professor caught in a battle between good and evil, flashes between the sixteenth and twenty-first centuries, blending Spanish history with Mayan lore and apocalyptic Christian beliefs.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Andrea Franco-Cook
That's it!
Please thank Andrea for sharing, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
The query:
Dear Agent,
Soledad Mendoza is mankind's last hope. At least that's what the winged Mayan god who shows up after her father's death tells her. But she is an unlikely hero. The young English professor doesn't understand why a god would choose a person whose weakness for scotch makes her a prime candidate for a twelve-step program. Growing up in the sleepy town of Charleston, West Virginia never prepared her for anything like this.
In the 1500s the Mayan God secretly entrusted her conquistador ancestor with the Ouroboros Amulet, a weapon containing the power of Heaven, which only one Mendoza descendant can wield. Too bad, her father took the amulet's location to his grave.
That's only the beginning of her troubles. She learns that her late father's friend, U.S. Senator Earl Edmondson, is aligned with a malevolent god who will assure the politician's ascendance to the presidency. Knowing that his only obstacle is the amulet that Soledad seeks, the senator turns his dark eye on her.
As her enemies converge, the winged god offers a strategy to help, but his motives aren't exactly noble. Soledad discovers that she is merely a pawn in a supernatural game of treachery. If she is to stop Edmondson from ascending to the White House, she must find the amulet and the strength within herself to defeat him, or there will be Hell on Earth.
Pawn of The Gods is a completed 95,000 word Urban Fantasy novel, and it is the first of a planned trilogy. This tale of an ordinary English professor caught in a battle between good and evil, flashes between the sixteenth and twenty-first centuries, blending Spanish history with Mayan lore and apocalyptic Christian beliefs.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Andrea Franco-Cook
That's it!
Please thank Andrea for sharing, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
DL Hammons' Current Query
Everybody knows DL, right? Host of the Write Club? If not, make sure you go follow his blog.
Here's his query:
Agent Name
Agency Name
Agent personal paragraph.
The word on a sixteen-year-old Knox Gidden is that he's nothing but military-brat, emphasis on brat. Until recently he was fine with that. He's lost count of how many times his family has relocated (not really) and it's left him withdrawn, bitter, a loner with a tendency to act out by playing nasty tricks on moving day. But after his mother died of cancer and a tragic prank-gone-wrong that put his brother in a wheelchair, a guilt-ridden Knox wants to clean up his act. The family's transfer to Ox-Bow, deemed their "final move", is supposed to be a fresh-start for everyone. Unbeknownst to them, something else has moved in with them.
After all the empty cartons have been dragged to the curb, one more box mysteriously appears. It's a dark, ominous box with curious etchings covering its surface. Of course all fingers point to Knox, which only gets worse when the box keeps showing up in his room. It's not long before Knox realizes he's on a collision course with something unnatural, an ancient evil that has chosen his step-mother at its next vessel to toy with. His only allies in this battle are Lewis, a kleptomaniac neighbor, Brodie, the beautiful girl who watches over Lewis, and Wilfred, a white-haired stranger who shows up claiming to know everything about the box and its purpose.
Time is short for Knox and his friends. Can they find a way to save his step-mom before the malevolent force draws closer to ending the game and obtaining the two things it desires the most -- mortal fear, and fresh souls? Unfortunately, history says otherwise.
MOVING FEAR (an 80,000 word YA Horror) is a standalone with series potential which combines the type of haunting plot of Kendare Blake's Anna Dressed in Blood with the creepy atmosphere of Gretchen McNeil's Possess. In my day job, I write procedure manuals, but when the sun goes down, I maintain a popular blog that hosts a yearly writing contest judged by industry professionals.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
DL Hammons
That's it!
Please thank DL for sharing, but like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!
Here's his query:
Agent Name
Agency Name
Agent personal paragraph.
The word on a sixteen-year-old Knox Gidden is that he's nothing but military-brat, emphasis on brat. Until recently he was fine with that. He's lost count of how many times his family has relocated (not really) and it's left him withdrawn, bitter, a loner with a tendency to act out by playing nasty tricks on moving day. But after his mother died of cancer and a tragic prank-gone-wrong that put his brother in a wheelchair, a guilt-ridden Knox wants to clean up his act. The family's transfer to Ox-Bow, deemed their "final move", is supposed to be a fresh-start for everyone. Unbeknownst to them, something else has moved in with them.
After all the empty cartons have been dragged to the curb, one more box mysteriously appears. It's a dark, ominous box with curious etchings covering its surface. Of course all fingers point to Knox, which only gets worse when the box keeps showing up in his room. It's not long before Knox realizes he's on a collision course with something unnatural, an ancient evil that has chosen his step-mother at its next vessel to toy with. His only allies in this battle are Lewis, a kleptomaniac neighbor, Brodie, the beautiful girl who watches over Lewis, and Wilfred, a white-haired stranger who shows up claiming to know everything about the box and its purpose.
Time is short for Knox and his friends. Can they find a way to save his step-mom before the malevolent force draws closer to ending the game and obtaining the two things it desires the most -- mortal fear, and fresh souls? Unfortunately, history says otherwise.
MOVING FEAR (an 80,000 word YA Horror) is a standalone with series potential which combines the type of haunting plot of Kendare Blake's Anna Dressed in Blood with the creepy atmosphere of Gretchen McNeil's Possess. In my day job, I write procedure manuals, but when the sun goes down, I maintain a popular blog that hosts a yearly writing contest judged by industry professionals.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
DL Hammons
That's it!
Please thank DL for sharing, but like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Patricia Moussatche's Current Query II
We've had one of Patchi from My Middle Years' queries on this blog before. Please welcome her back, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!
The query:
Dear [Agent name],
Last year, you showed interest in my novel The Legacy of the Eye (Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space). I am now seeking representation for my YA fantasy SHROUDED GODDESS.
Seventeen year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.
According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging, his baronet father executed for treason, and his manor burnt to the ground.
Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 63,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the 16th century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this novel will appeal to fans of Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Patricia Moussatche
That's it!
Please thank Patchi for sharing with us, and come back tomorrow!
The query:
Dear [Agent name],
Last year, you showed interest in my novel The Legacy of the Eye (Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space). I am now seeking representation for my YA fantasy SHROUDED GODDESS.
Seventeen year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.
According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging, his baronet father executed for treason, and his manor burnt to the ground.
Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 63,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the 16th century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this novel will appeal to fans of Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Patricia Moussatche
That's it!
Please thank Patchi for sharing with us, and come back tomorrow!
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Andrea Franco-Cook's Current Query
Today we have Andrea Franco-Cook's current query. If you don't know Andrea, you should visit her blog and give it a follow.
Now, the query:
Dear Agent,
Brief personal opening here-catered to agent.
An ancient evil looms over Soledad Mendoza, although she just doesn't know it. For thirty years the widowed English professor has lived in the sleepy city of Charleston, West Virginia. Her boredom and loneliness are often drowned in nightly jiggers of scotch and lesson plans. But all this changes when her father's sudden death plunges her into a supernatural war, and a secret family history that began in a Mayan jungle during the sixteenth-century.
Enter U.S. Senator Earl Edmondson—a friend of her late father and a key power player in this war. His pact with a malevolent god all but assures the senator's ascendance to the presidency. However, his unholy aspirations are threatened when he discovers Soledad is set to inherit the Ouroboros amulet—a mystical weapon of indescribable power.
Just as her enemies are converging, in walks a Mayan winged-god , who may be her salvation or her damnation. He claims to have been her family's protector for centuries, but Soledad soon realizes she is merely a pawn in the god's supernatural game of treachery. As she struggles with her new found responsibility, Soledad must accept her fate and use the amulet against Edmondson if she hopes to stop him from taking over the White House. There's just one problem, her father took the weapon's location to his grave.
Pawn of The Gods is a completed 95,000 word Adult Urban Fantasy novel, and it is the first of a planned series. This tale of an ordinary English professor who is caught in a battle between good and evil flashes back and forth between the Sixteenth and twenty-first centuries, blending Spanish history with Mayan lore and apocalyptic Christian beliefs.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Andrea Franco-Cook
That's it!
Please thank Andrea for sharing, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow.
Now, the query:
Dear Agent,
Brief personal opening here-catered to agent.
An ancient evil looms over Soledad Mendoza, although she just doesn't know it. For thirty years the widowed English professor has lived in the sleepy city of Charleston, West Virginia. Her boredom and loneliness are often drowned in nightly jiggers of scotch and lesson plans. But all this changes when her father's sudden death plunges her into a supernatural war, and a secret family history that began in a Mayan jungle during the sixteenth-century.
Enter U.S. Senator Earl Edmondson—a friend of her late father and a key power player in this war. His pact with a malevolent god all but assures the senator's ascendance to the presidency. However, his unholy aspirations are threatened when he discovers Soledad is set to inherit the Ouroboros amulet—a mystical weapon of indescribable power.
Just as her enemies are converging, in walks a Mayan winged-god , who may be her salvation or her damnation. He claims to have been her family's protector for centuries, but Soledad soon realizes she is merely a pawn in the god's supernatural game of treachery. As she struggles with her new found responsibility, Soledad must accept her fate and use the amulet against Edmondson if she hopes to stop him from taking over the White House. There's just one problem, her father took the weapon's location to his grave.
Pawn of The Gods is a completed 95,000 word Adult Urban Fantasy novel, and it is the first of a planned series. This tale of an ordinary English professor who is caught in a battle between good and evil flashes back and forth between the Sixteenth and twenty-first centuries, blending Spanish history with Mayan lore and apocalyptic Christian beliefs.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Andrea Franco-Cook
That's it!
Please thank Andrea for sharing, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Stephen Tremp's Current Query
Today we have Stephen Tremp's query letter for a new novel.
Query Letter
Dear [Agent Name], I am writing you because according to _______ you are a big fan of mystery suspense thriller genres featuring average characters in extraordinary circumstances. My 80,000-word novel, Murcat Manor, inspired by the mischievous nocturnal cats in my parents’ one hundred year old house, is one I hope you will also become passionate about.
Bob Stevens has plenty to worry about.
When Bob and Debbie Stevens lose their idyllic jobs, home, and savings, the only opportunity left to rebuild their lives is to open Murcat Manor. It's one of the few bed and breakfasts in the region, set on twenty five rural acres in the rolling hills of southwestern Michigan. Legends of curses, ghosts, and nineteen deaths from two burned down houses once occupying the land do not diminish their dreams of raising a family while earning a living.
But Bob has unforeseen conflicts far beyond his ability to manage. A belligerent mother-in-law who co-signed the three million dollar loan on Murcat Manor wants him to relinquish his interest. Thirteen psychotic killer cats, possessed by souls of disembodied daughters of witches hung at the Salem Witch Trials, are killing his guests. Before long, two local detectives want to arrest him for the murders.
Thirteen kittens, found in the burned out rubble from the previous farm house, had seemed like the perfect pets to keep their guests company. But the Stevens soon learn these are no ordinary cats, and the cycle of terror and murder begins again with each new wave of guests.
Murcat Manor will appeal to readers of the mystery, thriller, suspense, and paranormal genres.
Or .....
Murcat Manor will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Stephen King, and Jeffery Deaver.
I have a B.A. in information systems and an MBA in Global Management. With a background in information systems, management, and finance, I can draw from my varied and complex experimental knowledge to write one of a kind thrillers. Merging science and the supernatural is my specialty.
I have previously written and published The Breakthrough Trilogy: The Adventures of Chase Manhattan, that have been in Barnes and Nobles and Borders Books across the country with 10,000 physical sales and downloads in part to countless book signings and relentless marketing on my behalf. Please view my Media Kit for more information, at: http://authorstephentremp.blogspot.com/p/media-page.html
I write a blog where my focus is science, science fiction, writing, and promoting. I have also taught at online schools and symposiums.
Thank you in advance for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon. I have included the first ten pages. The entire manuscript is available upon request.
That's it.
Please thank Stephen for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow!
Query Letter
Dear [Agent Name], I am writing you because according to _______ you are a big fan of mystery suspense thriller genres featuring average characters in extraordinary circumstances. My 80,000-word novel, Murcat Manor, inspired by the mischievous nocturnal cats in my parents’ one hundred year old house, is one I hope you will also become passionate about.
Bob Stevens has plenty to worry about.
When Bob and Debbie Stevens lose their idyllic jobs, home, and savings, the only opportunity left to rebuild their lives is to open Murcat Manor. It's one of the few bed and breakfasts in the region, set on twenty five rural acres in the rolling hills of southwestern Michigan. Legends of curses, ghosts, and nineteen deaths from two burned down houses once occupying the land do not diminish their dreams of raising a family while earning a living.
But Bob has unforeseen conflicts far beyond his ability to manage. A belligerent mother-in-law who co-signed the three million dollar loan on Murcat Manor wants him to relinquish his interest. Thirteen psychotic killer cats, possessed by souls of disembodied daughters of witches hung at the Salem Witch Trials, are killing his guests. Before long, two local detectives want to arrest him for the murders.
Thirteen kittens, found in the burned out rubble from the previous farm house, had seemed like the perfect pets to keep their guests company. But the Stevens soon learn these are no ordinary cats, and the cycle of terror and murder begins again with each new wave of guests.
Murcat Manor will appeal to readers of the mystery, thriller, suspense, and paranormal genres.
Or .....
Murcat Manor will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Stephen King, and Jeffery Deaver.
I have a B.A. in information systems and an MBA in Global Management. With a background in information systems, management, and finance, I can draw from my varied and complex experimental knowledge to write one of a kind thrillers. Merging science and the supernatural is my specialty.
I have previously written and published The Breakthrough Trilogy: The Adventures of Chase Manhattan, that have been in Barnes and Nobles and Borders Books across the country with 10,000 physical sales and downloads in part to countless book signings and relentless marketing on my behalf. Please view my Media Kit for more information, at: http://authorstephentremp.blogspot.com/p/media-page.html
I write a blog where my focus is science, science fiction, writing, and promoting. I have also taught at online schools and symposiums.
Thank you in advance for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon. I have included the first ten pages. The entire manuscript is available upon request.
That's it.
Please thank Stephen for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow!
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Tracey Neithercott's Current Query
Tracey is awesome. She's one of my co-authors at YA Confidential, and she's great with graphics like at The Kindness Project.
Here is her query:
Dear Agent TK,
[TK personalized introduction]
Seventeen-year-old Syna Karras knows there’s no such thing as murder. It’s 2055, and thanks to the software embedded in everybody’s minds, criminals are arrested before they commit a crime. Which is why Syna should believe her father died of natural causes.
But she doesn’t.
Not when the autopsy reveals his healthy heart abruptly stopped beating. Not when her father raised her on stories of serial killers of the past, slipping gruesome details into dinnertime conversation. And not when he left behind top-secret government files with blacked-out phrases and a warning of danger.
When a family friend dies in the same mysterious way as her father, Syna’s convinced murder is as real as the slice of a knife across soft flesh. She’ll do whatever’s necessary to take down the man who stole the most important person from her life—even team up with arrogant ex-best friend Linden Pearce to gain access to files his father, the Secretary of Defense, might have hidden. They have to work fast, because more people are dying, people who have a connection to her dad. And with the killer aware of her investigation, Syna could be next.
Complete at 79,000 words, ABERRATION is science fiction without the dystopia, set in a Minority Report–like world. It will appeal to fans of sci-fi mysteries such as Across the Universe by Beth Revis, All Our Yesterdays by Cristin Terrill, and The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E. Pearson. I’m a journalist with ten years of writing under my belt. My work has appeared in magazines such as Prevention, AARP, Capitol File, Philadelphia Style, and Diabetes Forecast.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
That's it!
Please thank Tracey in the comments, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Here is her query:
Dear Agent TK,
[TK personalized introduction]
Seventeen-year-old Syna Karras knows there’s no such thing as murder. It’s 2055, and thanks to the software embedded in everybody’s minds, criminals are arrested before they commit a crime. Which is why Syna should believe her father died of natural causes.
But she doesn’t.
Not when the autopsy reveals his healthy heart abruptly stopped beating. Not when her father raised her on stories of serial killers of the past, slipping gruesome details into dinnertime conversation. And not when he left behind top-secret government files with blacked-out phrases and a warning of danger.
When a family friend dies in the same mysterious way as her father, Syna’s convinced murder is as real as the slice of a knife across soft flesh. She’ll do whatever’s necessary to take down the man who stole the most important person from her life—even team up with arrogant ex-best friend Linden Pearce to gain access to files his father, the Secretary of Defense, might have hidden. They have to work fast, because more people are dying, people who have a connection to her dad. And with the killer aware of her investigation, Syna could be next.
Complete at 79,000 words, ABERRATION is science fiction without the dystopia, set in a Minority Report–like world. It will appeal to fans of sci-fi mysteries such as Across the Universe by Beth Revis, All Our Yesterdays by Cristin Terrill, and The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E. Pearson. I’m a journalist with ten years of writing under my belt. My work has appeared in magazines such as Prevention, AARP, Capitol File, Philadelphia Style, and Diabetes Forecast.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
That's it!
Please thank Tracey in the comments, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Tanya Miranda's Current Query
Today we have Tanya's query for THE BOX OF SOULS. Be sure to drop by her blog, and give it a follow.
Now, the letter:
Eighteen-year-old Jasmyn McKeery is next in line to inherit Grandma Agatha's magic. Tradition dictates her magic is passed on to the next female kin, but Agatha feels Jasmyn's jealousy and bitterness towards her eight-year-old sister Katarina may be a problem. She struggles with a decision that will affect both their lives and possibly worsen their relationship. Neither Katarina nor Jasmyn knows of their grandmother's gift or of the inheritance. Agatha takes her secret to her grave.
Their grandmother's death reopens old wounds and the rift between Jasmyn and Katarina grows. Through fits of sadness and resentment, spells are accidentally recited and rituals are unintentionally performed. With the powers unbeknownst to them, the sisters release an indestructible nemesis from a supernatural prison and now the world is in danger.
Agatha's secret is soon revealed and Katarina is thought to have been the chosen one. Feeling betrayed by her grandmother and ousted by the rest of her family, Jasmyn flees her home and leaves the world-saving efforts to Katarina and her magic.
But Agatha choice isn't exactly what everyone believes. Somehow, both Katarina and Jasmyn have inherited some of her magic, and now they need to work together to capture the evil they've unleashed. Can the two sister mend their broken relationship in time to defeat these monsters of darkness, or will their sibling rivalry be the death of them?
That's it!
Please thank Tanya for having the courage to share this, in the comments, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!
Now, the letter:
Eighteen-year-old Jasmyn McKeery is next in line to inherit Grandma Agatha's magic. Tradition dictates her magic is passed on to the next female kin, but Agatha feels Jasmyn's jealousy and bitterness towards her eight-year-old sister Katarina may be a problem. She struggles with a decision that will affect both their lives and possibly worsen their relationship. Neither Katarina nor Jasmyn knows of their grandmother's gift or of the inheritance. Agatha takes her secret to her grave.
Their grandmother's death reopens old wounds and the rift between Jasmyn and Katarina grows. Through fits of sadness and resentment, spells are accidentally recited and rituals are unintentionally performed. With the powers unbeknownst to them, the sisters release an indestructible nemesis from a supernatural prison and now the world is in danger.
Agatha's secret is soon revealed and Katarina is thought to have been the chosen one. Feeling betrayed by her grandmother and ousted by the rest of her family, Jasmyn flees her home and leaves the world-saving efforts to Katarina and her magic.
But Agatha choice isn't exactly what everyone believes. Somehow, both Katarina and Jasmyn have inherited some of her magic, and now they need to work together to capture the evil they've unleashed. Can the two sister mend their broken relationship in time to defeat these monsters of darkness, or will their sibling rivalry be the death of them?
That's it!
Please thank Tanya for having the courage to share this, in the comments, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Marlene Moss' Current Query
Today we have Marlene's (who you can find at her blog or on Twitter) query for MIGHTY MIKE AND THE INTERGALACTIC CANDY DISPENSER, which sounds like loads of fun to me, so let's just get right to it, shall we?
The query:
The query:
Dear Ms. Agent,
Eleven-year-old Mike loves all things science and science fiction and is determined to become an astronaut—assuming he can escape fifth grade with all the body parts required by NASA.
While hiding from the school bully, he meets an alien who tells him Earth will be surrounded by an anti-flight field unless humans are defined by which planets they can safely visit. On top of saving space flight, Mike figures he’ll gain scientific experience as he records the effects of candies from an intergalactic test dispenser. But the sprinkles on the sundae? Temporary bully-stomping, superhero side-effects.
Mike’s ordered not to tell anyone, but how could he hide something as cool as first alien contact from his best friend? Good thing he spilled the Jellybeans because he needs his friends to save him from a fish transformation—complete with gills, webbed fingers, and flipper feet.
It’s all flying and invisibility games until fake federal agents invade town. Forget bullies, Mike must save himself and his friends from alien Interstellar Enforcers determined to leave them in permanent stasis at the bottom of a mine so they can’t tell the world aliens exist.
MIGHTY MIKE AND THE INTERGALACTIC CANDY DISPENSER is an MG sci-fi/adventure complete at 49,000 words. It should appeal to those who enjoy the quirky characters in Nathan Bransford’s Jacob Wonderbar series or the problem solving skills of Marcia Wells’s Eddie Red.
I live in Colorado and train endurance horses while trying not to use my physics degree to calculate trajectories of unplanned dismounts.
That's it!
Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Marlene for having the courage to share this with us.
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