Eliana Rojas' Current Query Critiqued

First, if you didn't see the post below this one, last night, please check that out. My kid is finally getting going with her blog, and would love your support!

Now, let's get to work. My feedback for Eliana will be in red.

Here's her query:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation you definitely don't need this. Sending a query is automatically seeking representation, so stating the obvious in your query is a waste of precious words. for my young adult superhero story FRAGILE LITTLE THINGS, complete at 60, 000 words. Personally, I recommend leaving the housekeeping until the end. Some agents do like it up front though, so we won't focus on that. When Vannette befriends the ghostly new student, her loved ones are marked as collateral in the hunt that ended her new friend's life.

As far as the second sentence, that's your opening hook. It's not bad, per se, as opening hooks go, but it could definitely be stronger. The most important thing to convey in the opening of a query is a sense of CHARACTER. We need to know who your story is about, and learn enough about what kind of person they are to realize why we should we care whether or not they succeed. Who is Vanette? She must be a teenager, but a 14-year-old is a very different character from a 17-year-old, so be sure to give us her age, as well as describing what kind of person she is before your story begins.

Then, as far as your inciting incident, it's all pretty vague. Is the new student literally a ghost, or just ghostly? Also, I get the impression this story contains a kind of mystery in which Vanette searches for how or what killed her friend, but I can't tell exactly how it relates to her loved ones.

Finishing middle school is harder in practice. Harder than what? At least for eighth grader so she's like 13 or 14? Give us this info right up front. Vannette Lore whose fairytale life was shattered by a car crash. But when she wakes up one night to find a ghost outside her window, protecting the fragile remainders of her life is near impossible. This whole paragraph would actually probably work better as your opening hook. It's still a bit vague (how was her life a fairytale? what are the fragile remains?), but it's better.

She’s always been terrible with manipulating the energy she produces wait. What? I know you said superhero story in the beginning, but this feels like it comes out of left field. Also, it's vague. but she never thought it’d reanimate a spirit or he’d crumble the walls around her heart. Or put her loved ones in danger. This feels a bit like a spaghetti approach. Try to focus on your main conflict, and get specific about exactly what difficulty Vannette must overcome.

The details of Dalton’s Dalton is the ghost? You need to clarify that. past unearthing, unearthing what? The way this is written, the details are the subject of this clause. I think you mean, being unearthed, which is passive voice, but whatever. Vannette has to give up everything that makes her an individual to save the ones she loves. And herself. Get specific. What exactly does she have to give up? What loved ones does she have to save? Obviously someone survived the car crash, but who are they?

I started writing before I knew the whole alphabet thanks to my favorite show, Sailor Moon. My love for superheroes and writing only grew when my father gave me my first laptop. I have another story waiting polish and other ideas asking for attention. You don't need any of this. If you've never been published, simply don't bring it up. Agents sign first time authors all the time, but you don't want to make it obvious this is your first manuscript.

Thank you for your time,

Eliana Rojas

To summarize, this query needs some work. The good news is that it's obvious you have a passion for storytelling, and I think there is probably a great story underneath this query.

Try to focus on the three Cs when you re-write this. Character, Conflict, and Choice. Who is your story about, and why she would care about her? What difficulties does she have to overcome, and what tough decision will she have to make in order to do so?

Finally, try to be as specific as possible. You use a lot of vague phrasing in this query, and that leaves your reader wondering what actually happens in your story, which you don't want.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anything I missed? Please share your feedback in the comments.

A First Impression at MGM

We interrupt this program to point you to a new post from my daughter. She's super excited to be reading the ARC of Shannon Messenger's debut MG novel, Keeper of the Lost Cities.

Please visit, make sure you're already following, read, and comment. Thanks!

Eliana Rojas' Current Query

It's Thursday, so it's time for another query. I'm not sure if Eliana has a blog, so I'll be back to edit this if I hear back from her.

UPDATE: Here's Eliana's blog - heartofforever.blogspot.com

For now, here's her query:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my young adult superhero story FRAGILE LITTLE THINGS, complete at 60, 000 words. When Vannette befriends the ghostly new student, her loved ones are marked as collateral in the hunt that ended her new friend's life.

Finishing middle school is harder in practice. At least for eighth grader Vannette Lore whose fairytale life was shattered by a car crash. But when she wakes up one night to find a ghost outside her window, protecting the fragile remainders of her life is near impossible.

She’s always been terrible with manipulating the energy she produces but she never thought it’d reanimate a spirit or he’d crumble the walls around her heart. Or put her loved ones in danger.

The details of Dalton’s past unearthing, Vannette has to give up everything that makes her an individual to save the ones she loves. And herself.

I started writing before I knew the whole alphabet thanks to my favorite show, Sailor Moon. My love for superheroes and writing only grew when my father gave me my first laptop. I have another story waiting polish and other ideas asking for attention.

Thank you for your time,

Eliana Rojas

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Eliana for sharing!

I'm Back

So ... my sister got married. That's us in the photo. Mostly this will be a post of photos. This is where we were:

And this is the building where we had the dance (inside):

I'm not going to go a whole lot more into the wedding, because my family, and my personal, life aren't really the point of this blog.

More to the point of this blog, I met up with a bunch of awesome writers and bloggers on Sunday night at the Cambridge Common Restaurant. Here's the proof:

This is all of us, including my daughter, Middle Grade Madi, who is a HUGE fan of Anna Staniszewski. Anna brought Madi some awesome swag, and we're all looking forward to her next book!

And all of us without my kid, for privacy purposes.

Madi with one of her favorite authors!

Anna, trying her damndest to be as funny as me.

Heather Kelly and I, which reminds how sad I was Jon Arntson (no link, because he's re-focusing) couldn't come.

Me and Kristen Wixted. Woot! I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't even know Kristen lived in the area, until she commented on Sarah's blog, but I'm so glad she came, because she's just as cool as she looks.

Sarah Fine and I. This is a terrible photo. Just look at the next one instead.

Yes. This one. Sarah was the writer I looked forward to meeting most. Not for any weird reasons you might be considering. Mainly, because she has a book coming out soon that looks like it's right up my alley, but also because we correspond a lot, I've looked up to her for a few years, and it's very exciting to see someone you've known since (almost) the beginning, achieving their dreams.

Other than all that nonsense, it was a wonderful trip (in spite of one travel day of horror), and I'm extremely happy for both my family, and for all my writer friends who have great news occurring in their careers. I'll get on some queries tomorrow, but for now, I need to write.

Summer Vacation Blog Hiatus

Grrr. I suppose the Spanish are due congratulations, and my Azzurri got much farther in the tournament than I expected, but still. Grrr.

Now the pundits are having the conversation of whether this Spanish side is the greatest national team in the history of the sport. I don't know about that, but they did trounce us yesterday, even without Villa or Puyol. I don't think there will ever be a team better than the Brazilians of the 70s, but this Spanish side may be a close second. If they win the next World Cup it will be hard to argue.

Anyway, as you probably noticed from the title of this post, I'm going out of town, and the blog will be shut down until at least Wednesday July 11th. Or maybe I'll try to schedule something for Tuesday the 10th, so I can get two queries in that week, we'll see.

In the meantime, since I know you'll miss me, I wanted to point you to some things you can read, in case you haven't had enough of me already. And seriously, there's no need to read all this crap today, just come back if you need a QQQE fix while I'm gone.

Some of you who've known me longer have probably seen a lot of this stuff, but some of my new readers may not have:

Creative Writing:

Lake Argo, a Fantasy/Sci-Fi vignette, which was published in the Vine Leaves Literary Journal Issue One

The Deafening Silence, a bit of Contemporary Flash-Fiction, which was published in the anthology: Literary Foray, from Static Movement Press

Cubic, a Fantasy/Horror short which was published by Underneath the Juniper Tree

Babysat by the Man in the Moon, a Flash-Fiction memoir, which is unpublished

Dragon on my Back, a piece of Horror Flash-Fiction, which was published in the anthology: Literary Foray, from Static Movement Press

Older Interviews and Guest Posts:

Interviewed by Jessica Bell at The Alliterative Allomorph

Interviewed by A.B. Keuser at her self-titled blog

Gender & Publishing, a guest post for Justine Dell

Best Old Posts:

How I showed a Facebook Scammer what's up

Hold on to 16 as Long as You Can, or Why I Write YA

I should probably stop linking now. Even I'm getting bored. But do me a favor, if you see one you've never read, and you want to visit, be sure to follow the blog it's on, and be sure to leave a comment, a few of those posts are hurtin' for comments!

And have a great week and a half, I'll miss you all dearly!