Good morning, readers. So today we have Betsy's query again. This time, as usual, with my thoughts, in red.
I'm still very sick, worse even than I was yesterday, but I've got a nice hot cup of black tea, so let's get to work.
Le Query:
Dear Ms. REDACTED,
FBI Agent Jonah White threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. I'm not sure this is worded properly. I'm no grammarian, so please forgive me if I foul this up, but to me this sounds like it's the murder that needs justice. I think this should say "...justice for his murdered sister." That way it's his sister that's in need of justice. However, with the suspected killer already six feet under, all Jonah can do now is wine and dine the man’s grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover the inheritance her husband stole from Jonah’s sister. So this is clearly a great premise for a story full of conflict and intrigue, but I wonder whether you're setting it up properly. For one thing, it doesn't make much sense to me that wining and dining a grieving widow would cost an FBI Agent his career. Was he obsessing over the case for years before the killer died, or he found the wife? I think if you can give us just a tiny bit more info about Jonah's character, and how he ended up in this situation, you would compel us all to care more about his choices.
Working undercover is never easy, he threw away his career, but now he's under cover, working? I'm confused. but falling in love with Maya--a possible accomplice to murder--I personally think a double hyphen in place of an em-dash looks terrible, but it is a definitive solution for the email formatting problem with em-dashes I've been pointing out lately. definitely wasn’t part of the plan. As he tries to sidestep Maya’s suspicions, and his own feelings, he learns two things: 1) there’s a pissed off, trigger-happy loan shark willing to put both Maya and Jonah in his sights to get the inheritance money, and 2) Maya’s husband isn’t so dead after all. Wow, okay. That's quite the raise in stakes. I like this part.
When his cover is blown and Maya’s daughter is kidnapped, Jonah will be will be? Now we're in future tense? forced to plan a daring rescue. Only, it won’t be tense his life on the line in the final shootout. Good final line. I mean it could probably be logically concluded, but it still packs some punch.
REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a romantic suspense novel set in Hill’s Creek, Texas, a fictitious town where the kinfolk like their secrets the way they like their steaks; big and juicy. Nice. I’m a Romance Writers of America member and a 2nd place finalist in the 2011 Dixie First Chapter contest for the first chapter of this novel.
Thank you for considering my book for representation.
Elizabeth Newmeyer (Betsy)
Okay. So to summarize, this is another query that's already pretty durn good. I'm not much of a thriller, crime, or romance reader, but I do know queries and I'm pretty sure this one will work. It does lack some important things, like voice, characterization, and a good, clear cut description of exactly what happens, but I think it conveys enough about the story, that if an agent is looking for that kind of book, she would move on to reading the pages.
That's it.
What do you guys think? Does a query for this kind of novel really need more voice? If the novel is kind of clinical, can't the query be so too? What would you change?
Please leave your feedback in the comments. And thanks for reading!
NOTE: I'm also posting over at Project Mayhem this morning. Please go read that post, too.
ALSO NOTE: Don't forget to sign up for the Pay It Forward blogfest, I'd love to see us get to 200 blogs.
ALSO NOTATE: I'm being interviewed by A.B. Keuser, here. Yes, I am that cool. And that busy.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Betsy Newmeyer's Current Query
More queries. Today is Betsy Newmeyer's query letter. I can't find her blog, so if she stops by today with that information, I'll be sure to update the post.
Remember, today is just for introductions. Please save your feedback for tomorrow.
The query:
Dear Ms. REDACTED,
FBI Agent Jonah White threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. However, with the suspected killer already six feet under, all Jonah can do now is wine and dine the man’s grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover the inheritance her husband stole from Jonah’s sister.
Working undercover is never easy, but falling in love with Maya--a possible accomplice to murder--definitely wasn’t part of the plan. As he tries to sidestep Maya’s suspicions, and his own feelings, he learns two things: 1) there’s a pissed off, trigger-happy loan shark willing to put both Maya and Jonah in his sights to get the inheritance money, and 2) Maya’s husband isn’t so dead after all.
When his cover is blown and Maya’s daughter kidnapped, Jonah will be forced to plan a daring rescue. Only, it won’t be his life on the line in the final shootout.
REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a romantic suspense novel set in Hill’s Creek, Texas, a fictitious town where the kinfolk like their secrets the way they like their steaks; big and juicy. I’m a Romance Writers of America member and a 2nd place finalist in the 2011 Dixie First Chapter contest for the first chapter of this novel.
Thank you for considering my book for representation.
Elizabeth Newmeyer (Betsy)
That's it.
Please welcome Betsy in the comments, but more importantly, be sure to come back tomorrow for the feedback.
UPDATE: Betsy's blog can be found, here.
Remember, today is just for introductions. Please save your feedback for tomorrow.
The query:
Dear Ms. REDACTED,
FBI Agent Jonah White threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. However, with the suspected killer already six feet under, all Jonah can do now is wine and dine the man’s grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover the inheritance her husband stole from Jonah’s sister.
Working undercover is never easy, but falling in love with Maya--a possible accomplice to murder--definitely wasn’t part of the plan. As he tries to sidestep Maya’s suspicions, and his own feelings, he learns two things: 1) there’s a pissed off, trigger-happy loan shark willing to put both Maya and Jonah in his sights to get the inheritance money, and 2) Maya’s husband isn’t so dead after all.
When his cover is blown and Maya’s daughter kidnapped, Jonah will be forced to plan a daring rescue. Only, it won’t be his life on the line in the final shootout.
REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a romantic suspense novel set in Hill’s Creek, Texas, a fictitious town where the kinfolk like their secrets the way they like their steaks; big and juicy. I’m a Romance Writers of America member and a 2nd place finalist in the 2011 Dixie First Chapter contest for the first chapter of this novel.
Thank you for considering my book for representation.
Elizabeth Newmeyer (Betsy)
That's it.
Please welcome Betsy in the comments, but more importantly, be sure to come back tomorrow for the feedback.
UPDATE: Betsy's blog can be found, here.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Marcy Hatch's Current Query Critiqued
I'm not feeling well this morning (I hope it's just a cold, but my nose is running like a faucet) so I'm going to get right into this. Hopefully the cotton in my head doesn't mess with my query skillz.
If you haven't seen me do this before, Marcy's query is in plain text, below. My feedback is in red.
Dear [insert agent's name properly spelled]:
It is the winter of 1805 and the only thing sixteen-year-old Arlen Devlin is thinking of is the ball that will introduce her to high society and that elegant madness known as The Season. This is a great opening. Full of voice, and style. I would set this into its own paragraph, and would maybe like to see one more word that tells us about Arlen's character. But when tragedy strikes tell us how. The mention of meeting her grandmother leads me to believe she may have lost her parents, but you should almost always be specific in a query. Arlen's life takes a decidedly witchy this is so bad-ass, great writing! turn, beginning with the discovery of a grandmother she never knew you need another verb here, to be parallel with "beginning," maybe "continuing?" to a book of spells that has been handed down from mother to daughter for generations. That's what you mean, right? It wasn't handed down just once, was it? This, however, isn’t just any book of spells. This is a family’s heritage, a compilation of every scrap of magick gathered over the course of history. It’s the family’s grimoire. Someone said yesterday they didn't know what a grimoire was. It probably is a somewhat rare word these days, but being an old D&D nerd, I know exactly what a grimoire is, and I say don't you dare change it. It's a perfect word, and it really sets a great tone for your story. And someone wants hers.
Soon Arlen learns that the tragedy that took her parents’ lives all right, now I see, but this is still vague. How did they die? Tell us at the beginning. You can be brief. may not have been an accident and hers isn’t the only heirloom book of spells. Each of the great witch families has one and whoever holds the book holds the power in this England, where magick has as much influence as money,where witches are courted, what does this mean, witches are courted? Courted by who? and spells are traded for favors. It will take every talent Arlen has – including her mastery of the imp, Vathek - you see how the first dash is longer than the second? That's because email (and blog posts) do funny things to formatting. Be careful about using em-dashes in query letters. Unless you want to go for the dreadfully ugly double hyphen -- or you're a master of formatting, your em-dashes are going to get screwed up in emails. to navigate this maze of conspiracy and intrigue, and maybe, if she’s very lucky and very careful and very clever, she’ll survive.
However, if you choose to keep it succinct, this query will probably work as is. It's already very good.
Grimoire CAPITAL: GRIMOIRE is complete at 93,000 words and set during the Regency I'm no expert in this, because I don't read romance, but to me using this term will make the reader think of Regency Romance novels. We know from the year above when it takes place, so I would consider skipping this word, although the point about it being a sort of alternate history is pretty important, so you should keep that in. period in England – albeit a slightly different England. I have a BA in History and I've written several other books. Are they published? Traditionally? If not, don't mention them unless you've sold more than 10,000 copies. I havepasted included the first five pages per your guidelines. If you would like to see more, I would love to send it to you. You don't have to say that, agents know you would love for them to read your manuscript.
Thank you for your time,
Marcy S. Hatch
And a short note: I love the hint of her power over the imp Vathek. I don't know if she summons him or just controls him, but either way it reminds me of the Bartimaeus Trilogy, and I LOVED those books.
So that's it. What do you all think? Am I trippin? Is this query as good as it looks? What kind of one or two word terms could be used to describe Arlen in that first sentence to really make it pop with hook?
Don't forget to sign up for my blogfest.
If you haven't seen me do this before, Marcy's query is in plain text, below. My feedback is in red.
Dear [insert agent's name properly spelled]:
It is the winter of 1805 and the only thing sixteen-year-old Arlen Devlin is thinking of is the ball that will introduce her to high society and that elegant madness known as The Season. This is a great opening. Full of voice, and style. I would set this into its own paragraph, and would maybe like to see one more word that tells us about Arlen's character. But when tragedy strikes tell us how. The mention of meeting her grandmother leads me to believe she may have lost her parents, but you should almost always be specific in a query. Arlen's life takes a decidedly witchy this is so bad-ass, great writing! turn, beginning with the discovery of a grandmother she never knew you need another verb here, to be parallel with "beginning," maybe "continuing?" to a book of spells that has been handed down from mother to daughter for generations. That's what you mean, right? It wasn't handed down just once, was it? This, however, isn’t just any book of spells. This is a family’s heritage, a compilation of every scrap of magick gathered over the course of history. It’s the family’s grimoire. Someone said yesterday they didn't know what a grimoire was. It probably is a somewhat rare word these days, but being an old D&D nerd, I know exactly what a grimoire is, and I say don't you dare change it. It's a perfect word, and it really sets a great tone for your story. And someone wants hers.
Soon Arlen learns that the tragedy that took her parents’ lives all right, now I see, but this is still vague. How did they die? Tell us at the beginning. You can be brief. may not have been an accident and hers isn’t the only heirloom book of spells. Each of the great witch families has one and whoever holds the book holds the power in this England, where magick has as much influence as money,
Okay. So at this point I'm sure this query will have done it's job. It's full of amazing voice, amazing style, and it clearly clues you in on that fact that here is a great writer, with a great story. If you fixed the few small things I've pointed out, you'd probably be good to go, assuming your pages are as good as this query.
But you came here asking for my advice, so I will say that in spite of the things this query has in spades, what it is lacking is specific information. If you want to get this query to be the best it can be, you need to give us a better sense of the conflict, and the choice Arlen will have to make to overcome it. You don't need to name or go too deeply into any characters like a potential antagonist, but right now all we know is that there are other witch families, who vaguely may or may not be after Arlen's grimoire. I think you have room for a few more words here, so I think so should get specific about what she has to overcome.
However, if you choose to keep it succinct, this query will probably work as is. It's already very good.
Grimoire CAPITAL: GRIMOIRE is complete at 93,000 words and set during the Regency I'm no expert in this, because I don't read romance, but to me using this term will make the reader think of Regency Romance novels. We know from the year above when it takes place, so I would consider skipping this word, although the point about it being a sort of alternate history is pretty important, so you should keep that in. period in England – albeit a slightly different England. I have a BA in History and I've written several other books. Are they published? Traditionally? If not, don't mention them unless you've sold more than 10,000 copies. I have
Thank you for your time,
Marcy S. Hatch
Okay. So to summarize: this query is already very good. A historical fantasy young adult novel like this sounds very fresh and unique to me, and I'm sure you're going to find a lot of success when you begin submitting. There are a couple tiny things to fix, but they're no big deal.
If you really want this query to shine I would suggest adding another sentence or two about some specific bit of conflict, but I also don't think it would be required in order to get someone to read your first five pages.
And a short note: I love the hint of her power over the imp Vathek. I don't know if she summons him or just controls him, but either way it reminds me of the Bartimaeus Trilogy, and I LOVED those books.
So that's it. What do you all think? Am I trippin? Is this query as good as it looks? What kind of one or two word terms could be used to describe Arlen in that first sentence to really make it pop with hook?
Don't forget to sign up for my blogfest.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Marcy Hatch's Current Query
More queries. It's what we do here. Today is a letter from Marcy S. Hatch. You know what to do. If you're like me, you know Marcy from her blogs, Mainewords, or perhaps, Unicorn Bell. Before we move on, please go visit and follow at least one of her blogs.
Now. Just in case any of you are new and haven't seen this done before, please remember that today is just for introducing Marcy and her query letter. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, after I have given mine.
So. To the query:
Dear [insert agent's name properly spelled]:
It is the winter of 1805 and the only thing sixteen year old Arlen Devlin thinking of is the ball that will introduce her to high society and that elegant madness known as The Season. But when tragedy strikes Arlen's life takes a decidedly witchy turn, beginning with the discovery of a grandmother she never knew to a book of spells that has been handed down from mother to daughter. This, however, isn’t just any book of spells. This is a family’s heritage, a compilation of every scrap of magick gathered over the course of history. It’s the family’s grimoire. And someone wants hers.
Soon Arlen learns that the tragedy that took her parents’ lives may not have been an accident and hers isn’t the only heirloom book of spells. Each of the great witch families has one and whoever holds the book holds the power in this England, where magick has as much influence as money, where witches are courted, and spells are traded for favors. It will take every talent Arlen has – including her mastery of the imp, Vathek - to navigate this maze of conspiracy and intrigue, and maybe, if she’s very lucky and very careful and very clever, she’ll survive.
Grimoire is complete at 93,000 words and set during the Regency period in England – albeit a slightly different England. I have a BA in History and I've written several other books. I have pasted the first five pages per your guidelines. If you would like to see more, I would love to send it to you.
Thank you for your time,
Marcy S. Hatch
That's it for the letter.
Please say hello to Marcy in the comments, thank her for having the courage to share this publicly, and then have a nice day!
Now. Just in case any of you are new and haven't seen this done before, please remember that today is just for introducing Marcy and her query letter. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, after I have given mine.
So. To the query:
Dear [insert agent's name properly spelled]:
It is the winter of 1805 and the only thing sixteen year old Arlen Devlin thinking of is the ball that will introduce her to high society and that elegant madness known as The Season. But when tragedy strikes Arlen's life takes a decidedly witchy turn, beginning with the discovery of a grandmother she never knew to a book of spells that has been handed down from mother to daughter. This, however, isn’t just any book of spells. This is a family’s heritage, a compilation of every scrap of magick gathered over the course of history. It’s the family’s grimoire. And someone wants hers.
Soon Arlen learns that the tragedy that took her parents’ lives may not have been an accident and hers isn’t the only heirloom book of spells. Each of the great witch families has one and whoever holds the book holds the power in this England, where magick has as much influence as money, where witches are courted, and spells are traded for favors. It will take every talent Arlen has – including her mastery of the imp, Vathek - to navigate this maze of conspiracy and intrigue, and maybe, if she’s very lucky and very careful and very clever, she’ll survive.
Grimoire is complete at 93,000 words and set during the Regency period in England – albeit a slightly different England. I have a BA in History and I've written several other books. I have pasted the first five pages per your guidelines. If you would like to see more, I would love to send it to you.
Thank you for your time,
Marcy S. Hatch
That's it for the letter.
Please say hello to Marcy in the comments, thank her for having the courage to share this publicly, and then have a nice day!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Monday Off
I'm still trying to cut from my novel, and I've got two others (well, one and part of another) that I'm reading and critiquing.
So have a great day, and don't forget to sign up for the blogfest (post below):
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)