Augustine Chan's Current Revised Query Critiqued

Two weeks in a row, we've got Augstine! This can be interesting, because it's always fun to see how a query letter evolves, and what gets cut and what gets added. Augustine is obviously a talented writer, but queries are damn hard, so let's see if we can help him out. As usual, my feedback will be in blue.

The query:

Dear [ ],

[PERSONALIZATION HERE: I am querying you because you are the author of one of my favorite books. (xx)]

Personalization can be so tricky. What I do (not that my habits should be considered rules or anything) is include personal personalization up front. So if I know the agent from a conference, or if one of their clients is a close friend of mine, or if I really loved an ARC I just read of one of their author's books, I will include that up here. 

However, when it comes to more professional personalization, like say, "I believe my manuscript compares favorably to these particular titles from your list," I will usually include that kind of detail in the housekeeping paragraph at the bottom. As always, there aren't necessarily hard and fast rules for such things.

Now, to this new version of this query, what I notice at first glance is that it is long, and filled with large blocks of text. I pasted this query into MS Word, and it is 519 words long, without personalization. That's too much. The general guideline is 250 words for the "meat" of the query, the part that describes the story, and then maybe another hundred for personalization and housekeeping. At first glance this query needs to be heavily trimmed.

I am seeking representation for THINK OF THE CHILDREN, an adult coming-of-age debut that’s complete at 97,000 words and None of this is necessary. Words are at a premium, so don't include ones you don't need. "I am seeking representation," is completely redundant. That's why you're sending a query. There is no other reason to send a query, so don't point out the obvious. The title, word count, coming of age and all that can go elsewhere. One option is the subject line of your email. Another is the housekeeping paragraph at the end. Either way, don't delay getting to what matters: STORY. which is told over the span of a single, pivotal day. This is an important detail, but don't put it here. Start with your next line, the one that introduces CHARACTER. Daniel Hoover, a twelve-year old latch-key kid who lives in a rural Midwestern town, has a special bond with his single mother, but she holds down three part-time jobs and so he never sees her. In her absence, he looks after his mentally-challenged younger brother, he keeps the household running, and he balances his mother’s checkbook. In spite of this, he has never been in trouble at school and manages to become a division-level wrestling champion with an unblemished academic record.

Okay, there's a lot to unpack here, but this opening is still not cutting it for me.

First of all, you're missing the most important part of any story, let along query. STORY always begins with CHARACTER. You introduce Daniel to us, sure, and we get a decent glimpse of his life and his situation, and it's one we can sympathize with, but all that information is external to Daniel. In order to truly care for him, we need to have an idea of his heart and his mind. What kind of person is Daniel before his story starts? He's a young boy, and from that we can certainly infer certain things, but give us more. What kind of things would Daniel love to do if he was not so busy running his household? Is he a mischievous boy? Fastidious? Obsessive? Curious? People, and therefore CHARACTERS, are unique and singular things. No two have ever been exactly alike. Let us into Daniel's heart, so we can feel a bit of his soul lifting off the page, and then once we care about him, we can start to be introduced to his story, and the conflict that follows.

That is the main problem with your opening. It lacks the sense of CHARACTER that the best queries always include. But there are other problems. There is also some contradictory language. His mother is never home, but Daniel has a special bond with her. That's not impossible, but it's certainly improbable, and you don't want improbability making a query look a little off. Furthermore, Daniel handles his brother, the house, and the checkbook, and yet he is apparently a perfect student, with no behavioral problems, who excels at sports. Again, this is not impossible, and this is more a story level problem than a query level one, but that's a scenario that sounds pretty hard to believe, so it makes a reader wonder if the story itself feels as far fetched as it seems in the query.

Which is why Daniel has everything going for him. Again, this is a complete contradiction to what you've just told us. Except that he trips over words when he talks, rendering him awkward during conversations despite his large vocabulary. Yet his academic record is unblemished. And except for no parental supervision, which he craves. Awkward phrasing. Look beyond it. Very awkward phrasing. Look beyond what? You've also jumped into second person here. His life will change completely if he wins a sports an athletic scholarship to the elite Fieldstone Place Academy. Then he’ll be able to rise above his family’s staggering poverty and make something of himself. Today, a recruiter plans to visit to watch him during practice and to informally interviewing him after. Don't use this wishy-washy kind of future tense language. If this story all happens in one day, just tell us what happens. But the school bully, Sammy, makes good on his threat that he’ll ruin the interview, resulting in Daniel and Sammy fighting during practice and Daniel striking Sammy so badly by accident that Sammy has to go to the hospital. You don't really need the bully's name, and you definitely don't need to repeat it four times in one sentence. That's just clunky as hell.

Let's see if we can distill this. All this stuff about the contradictions of Daniel's life is unneeded. Cut it. Here are the key points of the conflict:

• Daniel has a hard life trapped in severe poverty (among other things--and this is all introduced in the opening paragraph, don't repeat or contradict any of it)
• He sees a way out by way of a scholarship
• A recruiter visits who will decide his fate by viewing him in a wrestling match
• His chances are ruined by a bully who somehow goads him into breaking the rules of the match

That's really it. That's all you need to convey here. What Daniel does to redeem himself and so on comes after, but in the previous paragraph, those bullet points are all we need to know. Cut everything else.

All of a sudden, Daniel’s fists become a way to express himself. He uses them to destroy school property. He uses them to take his aggression out on his brother. His brother goes to the same school? And when Daniel sees him in the hall he hits him? And he uses them to punch a glass door so hard that it renders his entire wrestling career over. This is vague. Just tell us that he punches a glass door that shatters and cuts his hand. By the end of the day, Daniel is kicked off the team, expelled from school and frightened of the person whom he has now become.

With the deepest sorrow, Daniel knows he has lost everything that he has fought so hard to attain. He knows he has lost everything for which he holds dear. When the pain over such losses is so acute that you have to say that, but you don’t, holding out instead for a future altogether different from the one you now know. Something maybe resembling the past, his past, the memory before this day, and how it burned bright and green and was full of boundless hope.

Huh? You lost me here. There's some nice imagery and so on, but two of these sentences are fragments, and none of this is needed. As a matter of fact, you can honestly cut all of these last two paragraphs. When re-writing this query, focus on introducing the CHARACTER of Daniel, then hit the bullet points listed above, and leave us with a sadistic choice Daniel must make: lose his scholarship and save his brother, or give up his brother and somehow save his chances to go to a better school (or whatever the actual scenario is on the book).

THINK OF THE CHILDREN is a critical dissection of a child’s indomitable spirit and fire against all odds and No. Don't do this. First of all, don't tell an agent what your story is, show them, and let them decide for themselves. Second, I sure hope this is not a critical dissection of anything, but preferably a damn good story. a tale about how school bullying can irrevocably alter one’s entire being. The book captures, without flinching, those moments in the day of a life forever altered by the actions we do and do not take; and the story of a person turned away from his natural path, turned to a new way of being. It will appeal to fans of Tobias Wolff’s This Boy’s Life and, more recently, Jean Kwok’s Girl in Translation because those books are also about children who grow up in hardship, who seek a better life, and who ultimately achieve that goal through hard work and hard-won triumph. When it comes to these comparisons, see if you can come up with some thematic similarities, rather than ones that are just factual.

Okay, in summary: Man, queries are hard! You've got an excellent grasp of language, and there are some lovely lines in here, but queries are not about poetic prose. Focus on CHARACTER, CONFLICT, and CHOICE, and if you can nail those three simple things, an agent will probably move on to your pages, which is the place for more poetic prose.

Instill your opening hook with more character, trim your second paragraph so that it hits the bullet points, and after that you won't need any of the rest.

That's it!

Sometimes queries are so hard it makes you tired just thinking about them. But that's why we have to work together, to help each other out, and see if we can hammer them into something resembling quality.

What do you all think? Please share your feedback in the comments.

Augustine Chan's Current Query Revised

You'll remember Augustine's query, and my critique of it, from last week. Here we have his revision.

The query:

Dear [ ],

[PERSONALIZATION HERE: I am querying you because you are the author of one of my favorite books. (xx)]

I am seeking representation for THINK OF THE CHILDREN, an adult coming-of-age debut that’s complete at 97,000 words and which is told over the span of a single, pivotal day. Daniel Hoover, a twelve-year old latch-key kid who lives in a rural Midwestern town, has a special bond with his single mother, but she holds down three part-time jobs and he never sees her. In her absence, he looks after his mentally-challenged younger, he keeps the household running, and he balances his mother’s checkbook. In spite of this, he has never been in trouble at school and manages to become a division-level wrestling champion with an unblemished academic record.

Which is why Daniel has everything going for him. Except that he trips over words when he talks, rendering him awkward during conversations despite his large vocabulary. And except for no parental supervision, which he craves. Look beyond it. His life will change completely if he wins a sports scholarship to the elite Fieldstone Place Academy. Then he’ll be able to rise above his family’s staggering poverty and make something of himself. Today, a recruiter plans to visit to watch him during practice and to informally interviewing him after. But the school bully, Sammy, makes good on his threat that he’ll ruin the interview, resulting in Daniel and Sammy fighting during practice and Daniel striking Sammy so badly by accident that Sammy has to go to the hospital.

All of a sudden, Daniel’s fists become a way to express himself. He uses them to destroy school property. He uses them to take his aggression out on his brother. And he uses them to punch a glass door so hard that it renders his entire wrestling career over. By the end of the day, Daniel is kicked off the team, expelled from school and frightened of the person whom he has now become.

With the deepest sorrow, Daniel knows he has lost everything that he has fought so hard to attain. He knows he has lost everything for which he holds dear. When the pain over such losses is so acute that you have to say that, but you don’t, holding out instead for a future altogether different from the one you now know. Something maybe resembling the past, his past, the memory before this day, and how it burned bright and green and was full of boundless hope.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN is a critical dissection of a child’s indomitable spirit and fire against all odds and a tale about how school bullying can irrevocably alter one’s entire being. The book captures, without flinching, those moments in the day of a life forever altered by the actions we do and do not take; and the story of a person turned away from his natural path, turned to a new way of being. It will appeal to fans of Tobias Wolff’s This Boy’s Life and, more recently, Jean Kwok’s Girl in Translation because those books are also about children who grow up in hardship, who seek a better life, and who ultimately achieve that goal through hard work and hard-won triumph.

That's it!

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, when I will share mine as well.

Augustine Chan's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. Today we have Augustine's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear [ ],

[THIS PARAGRAPH WOULD BE TAILORED TO AN AGENT] I read that you look for fiction that introduces readers to a fully realized world, and a voice that no one can forget. Not necessary, or if this is part of your personalization, because you read an interview where they mentioned this bit specifically, make sure you tailor that line to each individual agent. I am hoping that you will find all this and more in my adult novel coming-of-age debut, Think of the Children. It is complete at 97,000 words. You don't really need any of this either. It's implied. Also, working-titles of unpublished manuscripts go in ALL CAPS in query letters, so it would be THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Also, you can get all this across in the subject of your email, which should look something like this: QUERY - THINK OF THE CHILDREN by Augustine Chan. Word count and genre should go at the end of the query, where you compare this story to other works. I'll talk about genre later.

Daniel Hoover, a twelve-year(-)old latch-key kid, lives in a small, rural A little redundant, but not a huge problem. Midwestern town. He has a special bond with his mother, but she holds down three part-time jobs to make ends meet and he never sees her. In her absence, he has to look after his mentally-challenged younger brother, keep the household running, and balance his mother’s checkbook. In spite of this, he has never been in trouble at school, and manages to become a division-level wrestling champion with an unblemished academic record.

This isn't a bad opening as far at nuts and bolts go. It's got a sympathetic young character we can care about and root for, and while it doesn't really get to any kind of inciting incident yet, it sets up a situation which seems ripe for conflict. 

That said, it reads as very dry and lacking any real voice or style. I'm under the impression that even though this is a story about a child, it's more of a literary novel told by a narrator with an adult's sensibilities. If that's true, you do want to be careful about voice, since you certainly wouldn't want to practice writing a query from Daniel's first person point of view if this is not actually a Middle Grade novel.

Daniel has everything going for him. Except a dad or a mom who's ever home. He believes his life would change completely if he won a sports scholarship to the elite Fieldstone Place Academy. If he succeeds, he’ll be able to rise above his family’s staggering poverty and the weight of his mother’s expectations. Today, a recruiter will be visiting, watching him during practice and informally interviewing him after. But the school bully, Sammy, is out to get him, and has promised to ruin his interview. By the end of the day, in one terrible moment, Daniel’s entire world is shattered. This is vague. Avoid vague language in query letters like the plague. Be specific, and hold nothing back. Unless there is some serious O'Henry twist to the ending, you can just say exactly what happens in a query letter.

Again, this is strong in substance if not in form. Is the story really all told in a single day? This query makes it seem that way. I'm struggling a little with what to tell you about how to improve this. You've got the facts down, and they make it clear there are interesting elements to this story, but they come across as just that, a series of facts, with no emotion to the language used to present them.

By turns poignant and tragic, Don't do this. Don't tell an agent what the strong points of your writing and story are, show them with your query and your pages. Think of the Children THINK OF THE CHILDREN is a cautionary tale about bullying, a critical dissection of a child’s indomitable spirit and fire against all odds, and a deeply moving The reader will decide if they are moved or not. Not the writer. story of hardship and hard-won triumph. The book captures, without flinching, those moments in the day of a life forever altered by the actions we do and do not take; and the story of a person turned away from his natural path, turned to a new way of being. It is akin to Tobias Wolff’s This Boy’s Life This Boy’s Life (titles of published works go in italics in query letters) and, more recently, Jean Kwok’s Girl in Translation Girl in Translation. I don't know these books, but it sounds like you know your market. But rather than saying akin, can you say something like "it will appeal to fans of X, because of Y?" That makes it a little clearer why you're comparing your MS to a particular book.

I would also include your word count and genre in this paragraph. It's best to keep all of that "housekeeping" type info in one place.

I received my MFA from Columbia and for three years I was the assistant to the editor of Prize Stories: The O. Henry Awards. Twice I was a writing fellow at the writer’s colony, Artcroft. This is all excellent. Columbia is a great school! 

Upon your request, I would be happy to provide the complete manuscript or the first three chapters. Don't tell the agent what you'd be willing to send them. You'd be willing to send them whatever pages they ask for. Full manuscripts or the first three chapters are certainly standard requests, but make sure to check and follow the agent's guidelines. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work, and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Augustine Reyes Chan

In summary, you've got the bones of an excellent query here. A sympathetic protagonist is there, even if we struggle to care about him a little bit because his situation in represented as facts rather than emotions. The conflict and stakes are also clear, even if, again, they come across a little dry. 

If this was a Middle Grade novel, I'd know exactly what to tell you to do to improve it, but considering it's an adult novel, you might actually be better off without overdoing voice. That said, I do think you could do with a little more active voice in your sentence structure. Just for example, cutting an opening like "He believes," would make the rest of the sentence carry that much more impact. There are several places you could cut words like this to simplify structure and pack more of a punch.

This is a tough query to critique, because it has all the necessary elements, and style and voice can be such a subjective thing to evaluate. Make sure you take a look at my past query critiques, and analysis of successful queries, to get an idea of what works and what doesn't.

That's it!

What do you all think? Can you suggest anything I've missed that might make this query connect a little less with the head and a little more with the heart?

NOTE: I forgot to share this yesterday, but you can find Augustine on:

LinkedIn | Twitter | Tumblr | Pinterest

Augustine Chan's Current Query

Happy Thursday, everybody. It's been a little while since I've had a query to critique, so please remember to spread the word: I do this for free, for anyone who asks, and all you have to do is email me.

I'm not sure how Augustine found me, or whether he has a blog of his own (please link in the comments if you do, Augustine!) but the important thing is that I enjoy doing this, because writers helping writers is a passion of mine, and because there is honestly no better way to learn to improve your own writing than by spending time in deep analysis of what works and what doesn't about other people's work.

With that, his query:

Dear [ ],

[THIS PARAGRAPH WOULD BE TAILORED TO AN AGENT] I read that you look for fiction that introduces readers to a fully realized world, and a voice that no one can forget. I am hoping that you will find all this and more in my adult novel coming-of-age debut, Think of the Children. It is complete at 97,000 words.

Daniel Hoover, a twelve-year old latch-key kid, lives in a small, rural Midwestern town. He has a special bond with his mother, but she holds down three part-time jobs to make ends meet and he never sees her. In her absence, he has to look after his mentally-challenged younger brother, keep the household running, and balance his mother’s checkbook. In spite of this, he has never been in trouble at school, and manages to become a division-level wrestling champion with an unblemished academic record.

Daniel has everything going for him. He believes his life would change completely if he won a sports scholarship to the elite Fieldstone Place Academy. If he succeeds, he’ll be able to rise above his family’s staggering poverty and the weight of his mother’s expectations. Today, a recruiter will be visiting, watching him during practice and informally interviewing him after. But the school bully, Sammy, is out to get him, and has promised to ruin his interview. By the end of the day, in one terrible moment, Daniel’s entire world is shattered.

By turns poignant and tragic, Think of the Children is a cautionary tale about bullying, a critical dissection of a child’s indomitable spirit and fire against all odds, and a deeply moving story of hardship and hard-won triumph. The book captures, without flinching, those moments in the day of a life forever altered by the actions we do and do not take; and the story of a person turned away from his natural path, turned to a new way of being. It is akin to Tobias Wolff’s This Boy’s Life and, more recently, Jean Kwok’s Girl in Translation.

I received my MFA from Columbia and for three years I was the assistant to the editor of Prize Stories: The O. Henry Awards. Twice I was a writing fellow at the writer’s colony, Artcroft.

Upon your request, I would be happy to provide the complete manuscript or the first three chapters. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work, and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Augustine Reyes Chan

That's it!

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Augustine for sharing in the comments.