Katie Mills FOSSEGRIM Query Critique

Today I just want to get right into it. You all remember what's up right? Here is Katie's query with my thoughts.

Dear (specified agent)

I've talked about this before but I do think you make the right choice here, getting right to the story. Unless an agent specifically states that they want to see the housekeeping or the personalization first, just get down to business, STAT.

Seventeen year old Sage Reynolds realized long ago that wishing for a different life is a pretty fruitless venture. This starts out pretty well, but then fizzes out. Cool age, awesome name ... both tell us a lot because we already know what main genre this is going to be (YA) and that the character will probably stand out, but I would like to see more in this first sentence. This sentence is more important than almost any other one. What kind of guy is Sage before he gets the tail? Jock? Band Geek? Bad boy? And why is he wishing for a different life? The way it is written now is too vague. But that doesn’t stop him from wishing anyway, one summer’s eve, on the beaches of Misquamicut, Rhode Island. You've got to clear this up for yesterday's readers. I told people that I thought you told me once that you were from Connecticut before you moved to France, but I can't remember for sure if that is even true. It might have been momentary insanity, or the fact that his foster parents were finally sending him away. In any case, Sage thought the threat of military school was the worst of his problems.

I see that you do touch on the reasons for his wishing here in this paragraph, and I should clarify that it doesn't HAVE to be in the first sentence that this is explained, but if you can find a way to convey it very briefly it will make that hook really pop! Also, this is a good start here with these last two concepts, the foster parents, the threat of military school, but the way they are written here makes it feel like they're just being thrown out there for good measure. Let's see if our reader's can help you convey all the ideas from this first paragraph into once succinct pitch/hook that knocks the reader on their ass and shoves the need to read your pages down their throat.

But that was before he woke up on the bottom of the ocean with a freaking fish tail.

This rocks harder than an ancient barnacle. You don't really need the "but" but it works either way. This is excellent voice, and when this query earns requests it is probably going to be because of this line.

In this 70,000 word YA fantasy, Sage deals with the realities of being ‘Fossegrim’- I had to look this up. Apparently you did not make this creature up. I love the sound of it, for some reason it reminds me of Jotun and Norse mythology. including the discovery of a whole other race living off an enchanted island in the North Sea. The problem though is that this feels like too much telling. Telling is not altogether taboo in queries, but it can get you into trouble. For example right here I'm wondering whether the other race is the same thing as the Fossegrim, and are the Fossgrim essentially just mermen or not? Truth is, Sage never asked to sprout a man-tail hilarious and shoot through the waves like a Disney character on roids. Awesome. He’d do anything to get his old imperfect life back. His one chance at becoming human again lies with a Fossegrim who threw the changing stone down on human land seventy years ago so that she could stay with the man she loved. If Sage can find her and convince her to go back to the ocean, he can reclaim his humanity. Here are the beginnings of a great conflict and choice setup, but this is too confusing and too vague. First of all you need to clarify that Fossgrim are all the same kind of creatures, and that that is the name of the race, not of a character, because right now it's not completely clear. Second this part about the female one throwing down the stone and it somehow being the key to Sage becoming human again sounds awesome, after you re-read it a couple of times to make sure you understand it. You should try to re-word this so that it both sounds more exciting (high stakes) and makes more sense. Readers, can you help with some suggestions?

But his homecoming proves dangerous. Being Fossegrim has made him an enemy to those he was once closest to and, to top it all off, he returns home to find a warrant out for his arrest. Despite Sage’s desire to be human again, his choice between regaining the life he’s lost or protecting the world he’s found won’t be as easy as he once thought. I'm not sure you need this. The main problem as I see it in your query is the lack of specificty. I do like the warrant and how that raises the stakes but it kind of comes out of left field. That doesn't have to be entirely a bad thing but right now I'm left wondering what the plot is, and which part is the main conflict. And who are these enemies?


I began writing my own books and stories at age fifteen and FOSSEGRIM is my third completed manuscript. I also write articles about publishing, the craft of writing, and the querying process which are featured on my blog: http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com/. I am twenty eight years old; a married mother of three, and have been residing in France for the last six years. This is debatable. Really the only thing that actually matters is your story, but certain agents may like this kind of thing. Others will hate it though, so be sure to research what kind of mini-bio agents are looking for.

Listing the blog is good, but you should try to make it display properly. The HTML code for displaying a link without showing the whole URL is like this: [a href="http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com"]Creepy Query Girl[/a]. Just replace the [ and ] with a <> (I had to write it that way to get it to display). The problem here is that different email carriers will format things differently, so you may just want to use the plain text URL.

Thank you very much for your time. If you feel that this project holds promise, I will send the added material accordingly.

Sincerely,

CQG.

So that's it. Please try to help us out here. Any feedback at all is much appreciated but I would especially love if anyone can help suggest a better and more concise hook for Katie, as well as a re-write about the changing stone main conflict bit. Ideas?

Katie Mills FOSSEGRIM Query

Today, tomorrow and Thursday we're going to be focusing on Creepy Query Girl AKA Katie Mill's query for her current WIP FOSSEGRIM. Katie is one of my best and oldest (in how long I've known her, not her age) blogging buds and she is one of the sweetest people you could ever meet, so be nice!

Kidding, of course you'll be nice, but also make sure to visit her blog and become a follower if you aren't already.

We're going to work this almost like we did for Katherine Camp and Emily White, except I already have Christina Lee's successful query guest post lined up for Friday so Katie will only be involved three days this week.

Today is just going to be her query as it currently stands. She knows it needs a little work, that's why she's here and why she asked me to take a look at it, but as before, please refrain from giving feedback until tomorrow. I don't want any of you taking all my glory before I've had my say and given her the most incredible feedback she has ever even dreamed of.

I'm kidding, of course ... again, but seriously, please save your feedback/critique of this query until tomorrow. Until then, the query:

Dear (specified agent)

Seventeen year old Sage Reynolds realized long ago that wishing for a different life is a pretty fruitless venture. But that doesn’t stop him from wishing anyway, one summer’s eve, on the beaches of Misquamicut, Rhode Island. It might have been momentary insanity, or the fact that his foster parents were finally sending him away. In any case, Sage thought the threat of military school was the worst of his problems.

But that was before he woke up on the bottom of the ocean with a freaking fish tail.

In this 70,000 word YA fantasy, Sage deals with the realities of being ‘Fossegrim’- including the discovery of a whole other race living off an enchanted island in the North Sea. Truth is, Sage never asked to sprout a man-tail and shoot through the waves like a Disney character on roids. He’d do anything to get his old imperfect life back. His one chance at becoming human again lies with a Fossegrim who threw the changing stone down on human land seventy years ago so that she could stay with the man she loved. If Sage can find her and convince her to go back to the ocean, he can reclaim his humanity.

But his homecoming proves dangerous. Being Fossegrim has made him an enemy to those he was once closest to and, to top it all off, he returns home to find a warrant out for his arrest. Despite Sage’s desire to be human again, his choice between regaining the life he’s lost or protecting the world he’s found won’t be as easy as he once thought.

I began writing my own books and stories at age fifteen and FOSSEGRIM is my third completed manuscript. I also write articles about publishing, the craft of writing, and the querying process which are featured on my blog: http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com/. I am twenty eight years old; a married mother of three, and have been residing in France for the last six years.

Thank you very much for your time. If you feel that this project holds promise, I will send the added material accordingly.

Sincerely,

CQG.

So that's it for today. Don't forget to hit up Katie's blog and throw your face down into her follower widget thingy, or whatever avatar you have, and feel free to say hello for now!

Questions and comments are also fine, just save your feedback for tomorrow, please.

Finding Balance

Today is my post for The Great Blogging Experiment. As usual I'm a little late, but I had a guest on Friday, so I have an excuse (sort of). The topic for the experiment is how to write compelling characters.

For me it's all about balance. Think of Yin and Yang. Characters are people, they just happen to be people in a story. Sometimes they are sparkly vampires, fallen dark angels, impetuous little girls, or even dirt eating dwarves, but they are always people underneath it all. People are flawed.

Characters, or at least protagonists, must also almost always overcome some kind of conflict. Whether they use cunning, strength, dexterity or good old dumb luck the character must have some kind of skill or talent with which to overcome the conflict and make the choice that allows them to do so. These abilities are like the Yang side of a character or person. People in real life do have talents. It's what makes them an asset at their workplace, the best hitter on their softball team, or the better parent in their family at diffusing toddler meltdowns. Characters in books or film can have their talents magnified or blurred, depending on where in the spectrum between superhero action story and depressing melodrama the story in which they exist lies.

Characters must also be flawed. Flawed and sometimes vulnerable. They must grow jealous of others who have more than them. They must covet things that they want but cannot have. They must be selfish when it comes to resources that allow for survival. These weaknesses are like the Yin side of a character or person. There are many more examples but the point is that for characters to be believable, even lovable, they must be human. Vulnerability is the other side of the coin. Whether emotionally vulnerable or in actual physical danger vulnerability is a sense of weakness that is not the character's fault. Flaws are a part of who they are; vulnerability is a part of a situation they are in. Picture Harry, Ron and Hermione in that tent in the woods in The Deathly Hallows. Can you imagine a position of greater vulnerability?

Keep in mind that in Taoist philosophy (which the concept of Yin and Yang comes from), there is no good and evil, only balance.

I could go on about all of this but I won't. For it simply all comes down to balance. Characters must have talents, to get them through obstacles, but they must also be flawed and occasionally vulnerable in order to make them believable.

I can't add the linky list below because it is closed, but please visit Elana's post, here, to see the original list of entries for this awesome blogfest!

ZOMBIE RABBIT

Good morning and happy Friday readers! Today's guest blogger is going to be Melissa Gill, and she will be sharing her query for ZOMBIE RABBIT. Don't forget to visit her blog and become a follower.

Neither Melissa or I are going to be analyzing her query today. The reason for this is Melissa's note below in blue. She makes a great point about conferences and she very well may be right about her query.

Dear Mr. Fraser:

I had the opportunity to receive your critique of my novel, ZOMBIE RABBIT, at the St. Louis Agents Day on 3/20/10. I think this is probably what did it right here. I doubt if he read any farther, and it’s a good reason to attend conferences when you can. I used your suggestions to craft a complete revision of my novel. I would be honored if you would take a look at any or all of it.

Milo Thimbleberry is a rabbit bumbling down the road of life when he’s run over by a truck. Most rabbits move on to the Misty Meadow when they die, but not Milo. He realizes that he’s been turned into a zombie and, man, death stinks. He can’t get a nap in, scavengers won’t leave him alone, and his parents drive him away.

He wants to move on to the Misty Meadow, but he didn’t live up to his potential while he was alive. Grandmother Oaketower, the guardian of the forest gives him a second chance, but he’ll have to lead a hero’s quest if he wants to see the afterlife. If he can save a rabbit from an animal testing lab before the next full moon, or before he and his friends disintegrate completely, he and his friends can all move on.

Milo shepherds the group of zombies on a journey inspired by the Odyssey (with woodland animals.) They have to out riddle the vulpine Circe, escape the vulturine Scylla, and avoid the voluptuous Sirens.

Milo and his followers overcome every challenge that’s thrown at them and one by one earn the chance to move on.

ZOMBIE RABBIT is Middle Grade, Humor, complete at 31,500 words.

I’m an active member of my local SCBWI.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.

Melissa L. Gill

I think Melissa's story idea and premise sound quite fun. It seems like a perfect idea for younger middle grade, and something that might be especially appealing to young boys, which is always important.

What do you guys think?

SPEAK Loudly

I'm a little late to the party, as usual, but this is a topic that means something to me. I'm sure you've all seen the countless posts around our writing blogoshpere about the gentleman, Wesley Scroggins, who would like to see Laurie Halse Anderson's novel, Speak, banned from public schools in his state, Missouri.

Before I go on please take a look at Laurie's own post, here.

I'm not going to go into the specifics of why he thinks the book is filthy and immoral, or why he calls two scenes containing sexual abuse "softcore porn", partly because I haven't read the book but also partly because it doesn't even matter to me what this book is about. Okay, it does matter a little, because from what I hear it is a powerful, poignant and important story, especially for young women, of which I am raising two. But I don't want to get into any of that. I just want to talk about banning books and censorship in general.

Censorship is a bit like diet pills. It doesn't work, and when it is carried out it does more harm than good. At least it does to society, though it can be very good for sales. I would now like to list some books that were at one time banned. I'm only going to include books that I have actually read because I would like to illustrate how important a book can be in a person's life.

1984 - George Orwell
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer - Mark Twain
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
Call of the Wild - Jack London
Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
Frankenstein - Mary Shelley
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
Ulysses - James Joyce

And last but certainly not least:

Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury

Think about the irony of that last one for a second. A book about not only banning, but actually burning books. And they wanted to ban it. Hell someone somewhere probably burned it.

Now take a look at the entire list - there are obviously other great classics that people tried to ban, but these are the important ones that I have read - think about what our lives would be like without these novels. It's difficult to fathom.

I left comments on every blog I saw that talked about SPEAK this week. The point I tried to make was that banning books doesn't work. You may as well try to ban knowledge. It is my humble opinion that literacy and literature are both basic human rights. I allow both my daughters to read any book they find an interest in. If I am concerned about the content I make sure to read that book myself, so that we can discuss it together, as a family. If my daughter wanted to read Lolita I would be a little concerned about where she heard of it, and why she was curious about the story, but I would not forbid her to read it. She is 14 so I might try to encourage her to wait a few years, until she would be able to understand it better, but I would not forbid it.

It is our current culture of fear, abstinence and censorship that gives real power to the evils of the world. Hermione Granger said it rather well when she said fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself. Rape, incest, and sexual abuse such as what occurs in Speak, or takes place in Lolita, or in countless other novels do exist in real life. They are terrible things, sometimes destroying people's lives for good. But to pretend they don't exist, to sweep them under the carpet as if your child's bible study group, and her crucifix and her willingness to practice abstinence are going to protect her from all harm is the epitome of ignorance.

There are horrible things and horrible people out there in our world, in our society. To pretend that they don't exist, or to be unwilling to acknowledge them only lends more power to the vice grip of control they hold over good and decent people.

I would like to say to mister Wesley Scroggins and to the school board of the county in which he lives: please don't ban Speak. Please don't ban any books, whether they cover tough topics that make parents uncomfortable around their kids or simply have some fun fantasy story elements that contain the black magic known as witchcraft, don't censor them. Please just make sure that any child who does read these books and has tough questions about their topics doesn't have to find an answer to them alone. It takes a village.

Also, one day when I finally get published, please do ban my book. Nothing increases sales or makes an author earn critical acclaim faster than a little good old fashioned censorship.

Readers: thoughts?