Emily White's Query Critique

Today is Emily's query again, but I will add my thoughts and ask you all to do the same. Let's get right into it.

Dear Super Agent:

(Personal stuff)

You all probably know my feelings about this by now. Personalization is good, especially if you can show that you have really researched an agent, but my OPINION is that you should jump right into your story, and cover that other stuff after.

Ella didn’t think her problems were going to get worse after escaping an interstellar prison ship, and she certainly didn’t think she’d be expected to save the galaxy.

This sets up setting and stakes/conflict pretty well, but for your opening hook to really zing I think you need more idea of character. Even adding an occupation and age before Ella's name might be enough. Especially if this is YA or NA. If Ella is older it's not as important.

For example I call my MC a reluctant juvenile delinquent in my query. True, that's not actually an occupation but it tells us loads about his character in three quick words: he gets in trouble a lot, but he doesn't mean to. You obviously don't have to do that, but I do think it's important to give some idea of why a reader should care about your character, even before you get to plot and setting, even if you have to call her a kick ass wheel chair wielding elemementomancer.

Her feet barely touch solid ground before the prison ship guards notice Ella’s missing and chase her all the way into the middle of a giant bug infested desert—giant bugs who just happen to have a taste for meat. Watch your tense. With sharp-edged pincers ripping away at her flesh, an ability Ella never knew she had is awakened. Anybody order crispy critters? With fire now at her tenuous disposal, Ella hops aboard a freighter on its way to a planet well outside her captors’ territory.

This paragraph is mostly good. You have several phrases that are dripping with awesome voice - which is great, but I'm also confused by your opening and when she discovers her powers. The opening I don't get because although I know from previous versions Ella is somewhat crippled at first (right?), this comes at us out of nowhere in this version, and leaves the reader wondering what you mean about her feet touching the ground. The part about gaining her powers isn't so bad, but I would like to hear how they were awakened a little more.

Making friends is something she hoped she’d do, but these friends have some bad news: she’s part of some alien race everyone thought was a myth. And more specifically, she’s destined to fight a fallen angel with a god complex, or die trying.

This paragraph is similar, it ends quite strong, with great voice, wit, and sense of stakes regarding the main conflict in your plot, but I'm left wondering which friends you mean. Are you talking about the people on the freighter she escapes in? If so just a teeny bit more about them might help. We don't need names, just what kind of people are they?

Problem is, years of solitary confinement didn’t really prepare Ella for fighting—or walking—or any semblance of balance on two feet for that matter. Honestly, she doesn’t even know if she wants to fight him. In a perfect world, Ella would be left alone. But here’s the thing: this god’s not exactly sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind. If Ella doesn’t hurry up and decide what’s really important—a life with her friends or a galaxy where living is actually possible—she won’t be the only one to end up dead.

This is great, it conveys an excellent sense of character, but ... that stuff needs to come first. There are no hard fast rules when it comes to queries, but giving the reader a reason to care about your character ASAP is pretty important. This part about her legs, and about her reluctance to fight is awesome, well written, concise, and very informative, but you need to work it in much earlier.

ELEMENTAL, a 65,000 word YA Science Fiction set in a galaxy in desperate need of change, is rife with teleporting fairies, interstellar battleships, and things that go boom.

This is pure gold, assuming your novel is as funny as most of this query. That is all.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Emily White

I realize this is general, somewhat vague advice, and it often helps to have more specific examples of how to change things, but I'm hoping to get to that through people's comments and perhaps via email between us later today or this week.

So, that being said, does anyone have any specific examples they could give Emily of how to re-write a particular part of her query? I think a new hook with more characterization tossed in would be especially helpful.

Otherwise feel free to leave your thoughts or questions in the comments, and as always, thanks for visiting!

Emily White

This morning I would like to introduce you all to my buddy Emily White, from Stepping into Fantasy. Emily didn't win any contests but she did ask very nicely if I would help her with her query. So I am going to. This week.

Before we get to that I would like to make a couple quick announcements:

Thanks to Karen G from Coming Down the Mountain for hosting the simple but fun BBQ blogfest. I met tons of new bloggers and even gained at least ten new followers. Thanks Karen, welcome BBQers!

My friend Sheri Larsen from Writer's Alley is hosting an I Got U blogfest. Check it out!

My friend and writing mentor Bryan Russell needs your help. Please visit his blog The Alchemy of Writing for details but essentially he needs sponsors for the Terry Fox Run he will be partaking of on September 19th. It's a 10k run for a good cause so please visit his blog for more info.

Now on to Emily's query. Emily would like to thank everyone who lent a hand during WriteOnCon, especially all the awesome hosts. She knows her query needs some work, but she's got an awesome idea for a tale so I think it will be worth our while to lend a hand.

Today is just for introductions and to get an idea of her query. Please don't give any feedback until tomorrow, after I've shared my own, so that I can seem cool and wise.

Now! To the query:

Dear Super Agent:

(Personal stuff)

Ella didn’t think her problems were going to get worse after escaping an interstellar prison ship, and she certainly didn’t think she’d be expected to save the galaxy.

Her feet barely touch solid ground before the prison ship guards notice Ella’s missing and chase her all the way into the middle of a giant bug infested desert—giant bugs who just happen to have a taste for meat. With sharp-edged pincers ripping away at her flesh, an ability Ella never knew she had is awakened. Anybody order crispy critters? With fire now at her tenuous disposal, Ella hops aboard a freighter on its way to a planet well outside her captors’ territory.

Making friends is something she hoped she’d do, but these friends have some bad news: she’s part of some alien race everyone thought was a myth. And more specifically, she’s destined to fight a fallen angel with a god complex, or die trying.

Problem is, years of solitary confinement didn’t really prepare Ella for fighting—or walking—or any semblance of balance on two feet for that matter. Honestly, she doesn’t even know if she wants to fight him. In a perfect world, Ella would be left alone. But here’s the thing: this god’s not exactly sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind. If Ella doesn’t hurry up and decide what’s really important—a life with her friends or a galaxy where living is actually possible—she won’t be the only one to end up dead.

ELEMENTAL, a 65,000 word YA Science Fiction set in a galaxy in desperate need of change, is rife with teleporting fairies, interstellar battleships, and things that go boom.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Emily White

Questions? Comments? Meeting Emily for the first time? Go ahead say hello! Just remember to save your feedback for tomorrow and don't forget to visit her blog and become a follower.

AUTOCHROMATIC

Today's guest blogger is the amazing, spunky, punky, hilarious Emilia Plater, author of AUTOCHROMATIC and proprietor of the Punk Writer Kid blog. Make sure you visit and become a follower before reading on, you will not regret it.

Emilia is only 17 years old, and still in school. She should be an inspiration to us all but she is especially close to my own heart because my daughter, Kylie, would like to be a writer when she grows up. Kylie is 14 and has just entered high school but when she looks at someone like Emilia and sees that with enough hard work and dedication anything is possible, it really gives her good reason to believe in herself.

Emilia's query will follow in black text, along with her analysis and thoughts on why it worked in a sort of lovely aqua. I'll add some off-hand remarks and pointless jokes in goldenrod, just for fun.

Take it away Emilia!

Matthew, I'd like to first thank you again for recruiting me for the QQQe. It's such an honor! I can't claim to be an expert on queries - it took me a looong time to write this one - but hopefully I can help somebody out. Plus, it's cool to look back when the trauma is over!

You're most welcome Emilia! That's the idea.

Dear Suzie,

You may remember me as that crazy blonde girl in pigtails who sang Boom De Ya Da (I Love Publishing) back in April. You requested then that I send you a query for my YA novel, AUTOCHROMATIC, when the time came. Having heard nothing but awesome things about your work as agent from my fellow YA Highwayer Kristin Miller, I was happy to oblige. Now, the time has come - and it is ready to sing. (...Or something.)

And you have now all been introduced to the silliness that is Emilia. It wasn't necessary, but I couldn't resist the urge to start off with a little silly personality - especially because I had some connections to work with beyond "I thought you'd be interested in this." Agents are human, and if a particular agent strikes you as good-humored, why not be yourself? Of course, professionalism comes first, but it's always nice to give agents an idea of who they'd be working with. (In my case, it's more of a warning.)

Have you seen this video? Is freaking hilarious.

Ask seventeen-year-old Riley Tanner how she's dealing with the death of her boyfriend, Adrian, and she'll respond with an eye-roll and a "fantastically." Truth is, the car crash wrecked her world, and Riley has pretty much accepted her fate as a screwed-up therapy case. But when she starts getting texts from Adrian's phone number, each containing a different address, her plan to spend the summer not thinking about him falls apart.

In the same realm as the above paragraph, my main concern with the summary was communicating Riley's voice. Riley is such a powerful force in the novel, but in earlier drafts, she just came across as depressed. (Which she is, but in a fun way.) Looking back, I could have tried to highlight the hook more - texts from dead boyfriend omg! - but this worked well enough, and since Riley is so important, I wanted to introduce her inner conflict from the very start. In my grandest dreams, Riley's voice is as much of a hook as the boyfriend texts.

Cool premise, strong voice and very current, contemporary scenario. I would say this is all big win.

Desperate to track down the sender - mostly so she can punch that creep in the face - Riley sets off on a follow-the-texts road trip with her best friend. From New York City to the Wild West, she meets people from Adrian's past who she didn't know existed. Their stories of betrayal, alcoholism, and messed-up family dramas paint a not-so-pretty picture of the guy she thought she loved. Great.

A few people suggested I delete the "punch" bit. In the end, it felt so right, I decided to be stubborn and keep it - and that ended up being the bit Suzie liked most! This paragraph was all about keeping things clear: motivation for the trip, check, what the trip exactly is, check, where the trip goes, check - and then, the big conflict. Again, I wanted to get the emotions across without using too much Lifetime Language (i.e., "a betrayal of her heart").

This reminds me a lot of a bit in my own query. I have to agree with Suzie, that line rocks!

Fun fact: I spent nearly an hour obsessing over whether to delete that Great. In the end, I went with what felt truer to the story - and I found italicizing the word gave it a lot more snap. Ah, only a writer.

I love it. I don't know for sure about the italics because I catch a lot of crap for using that kind of formatting in my own query but it obviously worked, which is the most important thing anyway, right?

With her beliefs caught in a crapstorm, Riley recognizes the real source of her frustration: Adrian's mistakes. But there's nothing in the Angsty Teen manual about conflict resolution with dead people, and things only get worse when her best friend heads home after a fight. Stranded on the wrong side of the country, Riley has to choose: give up healing for good, or ask for help from the one person who refuses to show their face…

Mistakes? Misdeeds? Lies? I went through a million synonyms for the first sentence, but nothing quite fit. Eventually, I chose the one that flowed best, even if it wasn't 100% perfect. The Angsty Teen thing is probably my favorite bit - so Riley. Here we have the ever-building problems, and finally the concluding conflict, AKA what you leave the agent freaking out over. Important stuff! I wanted to finish off with the mystery of the sender, since that's probably what a skimming agent would be most interested in.

I can see your point about the mistakes bit. Obviously it gets worked out and makes sense in the book but it is the kind of thing we can agonize over in a query. I also love the idea of an Angsty Teen manual. That is a great bit of snark, voice, hilarity and characterization all wrapped up in a nice, tight little package.

AUTOCHROMATIC is a contemporary YA novel complete at 47,000 words. I've included sample pages below; the whole manuscript is available upon request. Thank you so much for considering my work!

I didn't really have much to say for a bio (I put the link to my group blog in my contact info), so I skipped that part. Most of my queries included sample pages - I stuck 'em in unless the agent asked otherwise - but whatever it was, I ended up having a pretty good request rate. I received three offers total and went with Suzie thanks to her great revision ideas and overall awesomeness. Yay!

Awesome. Good for you Emilia!

Sincerely,
Emilia Plater-Zyberk
struckheartera@gmail.com
www.emilia-plater.com
www.yahighway.com
[Phone number]
[Address]

Emilia also just so happens to be currently holding a contest. It's for the Punkiversary. Some of the prizes are query critiques so I thought it was highly appropriate to mention today. You can find out more by visiting the post here.

Otherwise what do you guys think? Can you imagine being an agented author at 17? Can you think of a more amazing dream come true? Any questions for Emilia? Comments? Feel free to share your thoughts below, and thanks for visiting!

Step Three and The Fair

Hi. My name is Matthew and I'm a blogaholic.

You can often find me neglecting my family, my job, and my personal hygiene in favor of reading blogs.

Today I am on Step Three.

I've made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of Nathan Bransford as I understand Him (see the forums).

Disclaimer: This post is satirical. It is not meant to offend anyone, or to belittle the integrity of 12 Step Programs anywhere, which have saved countless lives since their inception.

So. I promised to share about my trip as well. I will.

Kelly and I took our daughters to Minnesota over the weekend and first part of the week. The main reason for the visit was to surprise Kelly's grandma Darlene (the kids great-grandmother) for her 80th birthday. And great she is. She's a huge Vikings fan so we watched the pre-season game with bated breath when Favre may have, almost, hurt his wrist. But it looks like everything turned out okay.

On Monday we visited the Minnesota State Fair. The Great Minnesota Get Together as it's affectionately known (imagine the Scandinavian accent) is the second largest state fair in the country, after Texas. It is, however, in my opinion, the largest collection of deep fried food, on a stick, that you can eat anywhere. It is especially famous for Pronto Pups and Cheese Curds (I could explain what those are but it's more fun if you imagine it for yourself) but this year I witnessed some amazing things like Deep Fried Candy Bars on a stick, Super Bacon (on a stick, that's for you Elana), Hot Dago on a stick, Meatball Sundays, Pork Chop on a stick, Deep Fried Sliders (no stick), and many other amazing culinary ideas. But my mind was blown this morning when I heard a story on NPR about Deep Fried Beer at the Texas State Fair. Apparently there is a Heaven.

There are many more wonderful kitschy stories I could tell about the fair but I don't have time. Instead I want to share briefly about the book I'm reading. I brought two books with me on the trip but with the flight and lots of free time around the family I finished them up before we had to catch our flight home. I've been hearing so many wonderful things about Suzanne Collins and her novels that I finally decided to pick up The Hunger Games.

The good news is that the paperback was available even in the worthless little newsstand at the HHH terminal at MSP. There isn't really any bad news. I think this is great for publishing, but especially for YA literature. I have no idea what the exact sales numbers are for this series but it's nice to see a serious story achieving this kind of commercial success.

I'm only five chapters in, so I have really no spoilers but I will briefly say this: Normally I can't stand present tense, first person POV makes it a little easier to deal with (normally) but in this novel, with this story, it actually works quite well. The immediacy raises the tension and fits the pacing perfectly (so far). This is a harsh world, and a hard story. I don't know how common that kind of thing is in YA but I find it gripping and compelling. My own WIP YA novel is meant to be taken quite seriously so it is encouraging to see something that has some underlying social themes doing so well, and being told so masterfully.

I will have to check back in once I'm further along, but for now, for those of you who are all the way through with Mockingjay and all of it, is it really as good as it seems? As far as I can tell it's going to be a wild, wonderful ride.

Back In Town

I'm actually back in town guys, but I took today off from work, just to catch up. What I need to know is:

Do you want Step Three? Or do you want to hear some stuff about my trip? I'll be up by noon so early risers let me know!