The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment

Jade Hart's Current Query

2012-02-02T06:15:00.001-05:00

We're back to query letters today. Jade Hart's, to be specific. Jade is a Kiwi, which means she lives in Middle Earth, has Numenorean blood, and parties with the Noldor. I'm totally jealous. Seriously, though? Jade has a great blog. You need to go follow it.

Back? Great.

Here's Jade's query:

Dear ( Fantabulous agent )

(Enter research done on that agent and reference as to why I chose them, or something along those lines )

Loka has died. Again.

But this time it's different. A cobra bite to the neck while in the in-between worlds of Gods has injected more than just venom into her veins. It has started a chain reaction which will not only change Loka forever, but Satya, the world as we know it, as well.

When she re-awakes for her seventeenth reincarnation, nothing is quite the same. She's ethereally beautiful, has vortex pigmented eyes and can see things which only exist on temple etchings and Hindu fables.

As Chetan - her guide sent by the Gods - tries to help Loka understand her new powers and preform her responsibility as the new Reincarnation Redeemer, she finds it harder and harder to concentrate. Her body feels wrong, her thoughts seem muddied and hard to recall, and her powers feel limited. Even her heart is confused as it thrums like a hummingbird at the thought of a God. A love which bloomed from nowhere, but lingers with a remembrance of something locked within herself.

But it's only when a chaos loving mythological creature, who is both hideous and intriguing, enters her life, that Loka begins to find keys to tightly locked secrets.

Turns out, she might not be Loka at all....

Venom's Curse is a Mythological YA Urban Fantasy. Complete at 90,000 words. I am a member of a large critique group and participate actively with many published and unpublished writers. I am also an avid blogger and love anything to do with the worlds of words.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Kindest regards

Jade Hart

That's it.

Please keep in mind that today is just for introductions. I like to give each query letter two posts, so that you can see the query, by itself, without all my rambling feedback. Tomorrow I will provide the red ink, and let Jade know what I think she should change or is missing. So please save your feedback for tomorrow as well. Thanks!

Game of Thrones Season II

2012-02-01T07:30:00.002-05:00

My DVR broke recently, and I was pretty ticked when I thought we'd lost all our recordings from season one, but that was silly, because they're all available on demand. I've been slowly rewatching them, trying to get acclimated to Westeros and Essos again, as we prepare for the exciting second season of the HBO series that probably should have been called A Song of Ice and Fire.

I mean sure, Game of Thrones is a cool title, and the theme of political power is a strong one in the story, and has dominated the first five books, but I get the feeling that the deeper theme, the one of darkness versus light, and "good" versus "evil" will come full circle in the final two volumes.

I certainly hope HBO will air the entire story, assuming Martin finishes the books before Maisie Williams turns 30. Anyway, here are the things I'm looking forward to most in season two:

Characters:

Melisandre: The Red Priestess of R'hllor, who hails from Asshai in the far east, is not a very sympathetic character in the books, because we all assume her prophecies are false, or at least that she is wrong about Stannis, Azor Ahai, and the Prince that was Promised, but she's a fascinating character nonetheless, and I'm looking forward to her being portrayed by the lovely Carice Van Houten:

Davos Seaworth: The Onion Knight, former smuggler, and eventual Hand of the King (in exile), Davos is a character whose arc is pretty interesting. Arguments can probably be made that he gets too many chapters in the books, and his story is of course still unresolved, but I'm fascinated to see what they do with him on the show. Especially at Storm's End for Melisandre's shadowy climax.

Brienne of Tarth: I would have said Stannis, but I'm not sure I like the look of Stephen Dillane, so I'm going with Gwendoline Christie, as the Maid of the Sapphire Isle. Brienne is a fascinating character in the books, and although her story is much more compelling in the third and fourth volumes than in the second, I get the feeling that HBO will not be sticking directly to the plot as separated in the novels.

Settings:

The Fist of the First Men: The most memorable setting north of the wall, some momentous things occur here in the story, but I'm especially interested to see how HBO's production design team portray this landscape.

Dragonstone: Stannis' seat, this volcanic island at the mouth of Blackwater Bay used to be the seat of House Targaryen, and then passed to House Baratheon after Robert's rebellion, but I'm especially curious to see how it will look in the new season.

Vaes Tolorro: City of Bones, in Dothraki, this ruins, in the midst of the red waste, ends up saving Daenerys and her Khalasar from starvation and ruination. While the walls are cracked and crumbling, they find solace within the city center.

Blogging From A to Z

2012-01-30T06:00:00.004-05:00

The day of reckoning has arrived! Just kidding. It is almost that exciting though. Today is the day the sign-up for the Blogging from A to Z April 2012 challenge opens up.

Sign up using the linky list at the end of this post!

A bit daunted by the concept? Fear not, you don't have to visit everyone, and it's easy to schedule several short posts ahead of time. We want to keep our posts short anyway, because the main point of the challenge is to meet new bloggers. In fact, this year, we're suggesting that all you commit to is visiting the 5-10 blogs below your name on the linky list. If you find you have time for that every day, then you can start to visit more.

No idea what I'm talking about? No worries, you can find the official A to Z blog, here. Or the A to Z Facebook page, here. If you somehow have lived in a hole for the least few months, you can meet all my other co-hosts, here.

And you don't have to sign up right now, either. If you want to mull it over for a while, no problem. On Wednesday (because this list is going to grow FAST, and slow down my blog load times) I'll be moving the list to a page right under the header of my blog. You can find it, here. Or, you can sign up at the official blog, anytime, here.

Please enter the HTML code carefully so that it is accurate. If you enter your link incorrectly, please notify us so we can correct it. You can find our emails in the CONTACT US tab on the A to Z Blog. If you do not plan to participate in the Challenge during April or your purpose is to lure visitors to an advertising site, please do not enter a link as it will be removed, save us the time and trouble.

That's it! Here's the list:

UPDATE: I have removed the A to Z sign up list, to improve load times for my new posts. Please visit the A to Z sign up page, to join the challenge.

Barbara Watson's Current Query Critiqued

2012-01-27T07:00:00.002-05:00

Here we are, it's Friday morning, thank goodness, and we've got Barbara's query letter again, this time with my feedback, which will be in red.

You guys all went and followed her yesterday, so let's just get to work.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Twelve-year-old Mitch Brooks is a rule-follower but he’s disgusted with his parents about moving. So maybe that’s why he peeks inside a strangely labeled box on moving day.

This hook has all the key elements we've come to expect from good queries, but I can't help feel like it's missing a little something. You've got good characterization for Mitch, and the inciting incident seems pretty clear, but I think perhaps what's missing is voice. I can't come up with a better term or phrase, and although "rule-follower" certainly makes sense, and provides a good bit of his character, I wonder whether Mitch would put it that way. How would a kid describe himself in this situation? I'm not sure, I might have to ask my daughter.

The second sentence is better. It's a clear progression and contradiction of the first, which I think works well. One thing I think you could add here is a more specific description. "Strangely labeled" is a bit vague. How would Mitch describe it? A box with a goofy drawing on it? A package with wonky lettering on the side? A carton that looked like someone spilled hieroglyphs on the label?

Deep inside the box, Mitch unearths his mom's journal from 1967, the year before he was born. So we're in 1979/80? I like this setting very much. He knows he shouldn’t read it (especially the way his mom feels about “privacy invasion”), but come on now, who wouldn’t? So perhaps Mitch isn't the rule-follower he thought he was? I like the contradiction in character, and clearly this is probably the first time he's really stepped out of line, but you might want to figure out a way to allude to that in the query. And as Mitch reads, he discovers secrets. His mom got kicked out of her house when she became a hippie war protester. Mitch’s parents have ~~these~~ cut two best friends he’s never even heard of ~~but~~ who were drafted into the Vietnam War. And his grandparents might not be dead after all.

Okay, in many ways I really like this paragraph. It sets up some interesting possible conflicts (although we don't know which will play out), and it sets a great tone for the kind of period related topics Mitch discovers in his mom's journal, but as someone mentioned yesterday, I'm concerned how all this fits into your story. In the next paragraph, we jump back into the present. Does that make this paragraph backstory? I'll expand on that after this next paragraph.

For Mitch, even though moving really, really stinks, at least it’s interesting. Motivated by a story he hears from his new neighbors, this is too vague Mitch enlists his best friend Brian and a librarian love librarians! he just met in his new town to assist him with a secret history project designed to find answers and people.

Okay, so here's the problem. I get the feeling that the previous paragraph is not really backstory, and that perhaps your novel kind of jumps back and forth between the two time periods (which you basically say below), but that's not clear enough in the part of your query that describes the plot. We need to have a better idea of what happens, and what is the main conflict Mitch has to overcome. Does he actually travel back to 1967? Or is the story told from some other POV during those parts? Do the conflicts from the past directly effect the conflict in the present? How? What is the secret history project, and why is it going to be difficult for Mitch to complete? What tough choice will he have to make to achieve his goals?

MOVING SECRETS, my middle grade historical ~~fiction~~ novels are always fiction novel, shifts back and forth in time between 1967 San Francisco and 1980 Cambria, California. It is complete at 52,000 words. Otherwise, good.

~~Although my~~ My background lies in teaching literature, ~~I am new to writing it. MOVING SECRETS is my first novel,~~ and I am querying you because [personalize with reasons I chose this agent]. If you've never been published, that's fine, no need to explain. Every writer starts somewhere, but I wouldn't mention that you're new to writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Barbara Watson

In summary, my biggest problem with this query is the disconnect between the two halves of the plot. I'm not sure the novel works the way I think it does, but the query does not make it clear how the past is connected to the present, or what the main conflict really is. You don't want to give away too much, like the ending or anything, but we do need a better sense of what kind of adversity Mitch has to overcome.

The only other thing I would like to see more of is MG voice. Try re-writing the query from the first person POV of Mitch, describing things how he would describe them, and then switch it back into third person, see if that helps. Unless the novel is written in third person, with a very adult sounding narrator, you want the query to match the tone.

That's not to say this isn't a good starting point for a query letter. You've clearly got an interesting character, and the premise sounds like one that would definitely entertain. You just need to make it more clear how it all works together.

That's it.

What do you guys think, dear readers? Anything I missed? Anything you'd like to add? Anything you disagree with?

Barbara Watson's Current Query

2012-01-26T06:30:00.001-05:00

Today we have Barbar's query letter. Does everyone know Barbara? If not, please go follow her blog.

Back? Great. Let's get right to the query:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Twelve-year-old Mitch Brooks is a rule-follower but he’s disgusted with his parents about moving. So maybe that’s why he peeks inside a strangely labeled box on moving day.

Deep inside the box, Mitch unearths his mom's journal from 1967, the year before he was born. He knows he shouldn’t read it (especially the way his mom feels about “privacy invasion”), but come on now, who wouldn’t? And as Mitch reads, he discovers secrets. His mom got kicked out of her house when she became a hippie war protester. Mitch’s parents have these two best friends he’s never even heard of but were drafted into the Vietnam War. And his grandparents might not be dead after all.

For Mitch, even though moving really, really stinks, at least it’s interesting. Motivated by a story he hears from his new neighbors, Mitch enlists his best friend Brian and a librarian he just met in his new town to assist him with a secret history project designed to find answers and people.

MOVING SECRETS, my middle grade historical fiction novel, shifts back and forth in time between 1967 San Francisco and 1980 Cambria, California. It is complete at 52,000 words.

Although my background lies in teaching literature, I am new to writing it. MOVING SECRETS is my first novel, and I am querying you because [personalize with reasons I chose this agent].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Barbara Watson

That's it.

Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, when I'll be sharing mine.

Poetic Analysis of a Hip-Hop Song

2012-01-25T07:30:00.000-05:00

Sorry I couldn't find a better, or official, video of this song, but for some silly reason, Lupe Fiasco doesn't have an official Youtube channel.

Anyway, people really seemed to like it when I did a Poetic Analysis of a Pop Song, and some even said they hoped I'd do it again, so here it is, with another song I like.

I love this song, but it's an excellent one to breakdown with a literary analysis, because it's full of subtext, symbolism, and metaphor. Keep in mind, that any analytic reading of any kind of literature is going to be highly subjective, so these opinions are heavily based on who I am. Here are the lyrics:

[Lupe Fiasco]

Uh.. yeah

He just sits, and watches the people in the boxes

Everything he sees he absorbs and adopts it

He mimics and he mocks it

Really hates the box but he can't remember how to stop, it

Uh, so he continues to watch it

Hoping that it'll give him something that he can box with

Or how the locksmith, see the box as, locked in the box

Ain't got the combination to unlock, it

That's why he watch-es, scared to look away

Cause at that moment, it might show him

What to take off the locks with

So he chained himself to the box, took a lock and then he locked it

Swallowed the combination and then forgot, it

As the doctors jot it all down, with they pens and pencils

The same ones that took away his voice

And just left this instrumental, like what

Okay, so on the simplest level, and this might seem obvious, but it's deeper than it first appears, the box is television, or the internet. If you didn't notice that at first, I'm sure you see it now. But on a more fundamental level, beneath the foundation, if you will, this song is about consumerism, media, marketing, and propaganda. It's about the standardization of our youth, and how we are telling them who to be, what to wear, and what to buy.

He sits, and he watches the box (media in any format), and anything he sees he adopts it. He is a consumer, especially a young, impressionable consumer, and he is aware he is being manipulated (he mocks it), and he hates that he's being manipulated, but he's chained to the box. This is an essay on that fact that the messages are all around us. Billboards, airbrushed magazine covers, blinged out pro-athletes and rock-stars. It's everywhere.

He's scared to look away, because he's convinced that he can discover a way to transcend the box, from within the box. This is the paradox of media and control. Because, realistically, you can buck the trend, be a creative artist or musician, not fall into the hole of a number two pencil multiple choice bubble test, make something new and unique, but then you need the box to be able make any money doing it. It's a necessary evil. Or is it?

The doctors are us. The parents, the teachers, the ad execs, the CEOs, the politicians. Everyone who is telling him what he needs to do, what he needs to buy, and who he needs to be. We are taking away their voices.

[Chorus: Jonah Matranga + (Lupe)]

And he never lies (he never lies, he never lies, uh)

And he never lies (uh, he never lies, he never lies, no)

And he never lies (he never lies)

Cause he never said anything at all

When I first heard this song, I thought the chorus said "daddy never lies," and I was all prepared to go into how daddy was the media, in a kind of big brother reference, but then when I looked the lyrics up, that argument wasn't going to work anymore.

You can laugh at me now.

[Lupe Fiasco]

He just sits, and listens to the people in the boxes

Everything he hears he absorbs and adopts it

Anything not coming out the box he blocks it

See he loves the box and hope they never stop it

Anything the box tell him to do, he does it

Anything it tell him to get, he shops and he cops it

He protects the box, locks it in a box

when he goes to sleep, but he never sleeps

Cause he stays up to watch it, scared to look away

Cause at that moment, it might get stolen

And that's the last of the boxes

So he chained himself to the box, took a lock and then he locked it

Swallowed the combination and then forgot, it

As the doctors jot it all down, with they pens and pencils

The same ones that took away his voice

And just left this instrumental, like what

Much of this is repeated from the first verse, but there are some new ideas. For those who don't know, cops it is slang for buys it. But then things get worse. He locks the box inside another box (like a TV in an apartment, perhaps), and starts to get paranoid. Clearly you can't steal the media. Someone might take your TV, but the message is still out there, all you need to do is look around. So what's he afraid of? I would argue he's afraid of losing his identity. So many young people (many, but not all) identify themselves and their personalities by external, surface things like clothes and jewelry, and all their little screens. If you've ever had to take your child's iPod away so that they could consider their behavior for a while, you know what this means.

[Chorus]

[Lupe Fiasco]

(Anything at all..) He never lies

Uh, and you can't tell me just who you are

You buy new clothes just to hide those scars

You built that roof just to hide those stars

Now you can't take it back to the start

And you can't tell me just who you are

You buy new clothes just to hide those scars

You built that roof just to hide those stars

Now you can't take it back to the start

This chorus gets a bit more overt. You don't have to have physical scars to want to hide something that's on the inside. We all had identities when we were young, skaters, gangsters, nerds, band-kids, jocks. We want to fit in, it's human nature, so we find a group that we have something in common with, and we conform. But it's not that simple. We are not only what we wear, or what clique we hang out with. We can't see the stars of who we really are, because we build so many barriers to keep that person hidden.

[Chorus]

[Lupe Fiasco]

(Anything at all.. anything at all..)

Uh, and you can't tell me just who you are

You buy new clothes just to hide those scars

You built that roof just to hide those stars

Now you can't take it back to the start

And you can't tell me just who you are

You buy new clothes just to hide those scars

You built that roof just to hide those stars

Now you can't take it back to the start

You can't take it back to the start, because you're only born once. You only get one chance to define yourself, obtain knowledge of self, and make that first impression on people.

What I think Lupe's trying to say in this song, is that we need to be ourselves. We need to stop telling everyone that white and skinny is the only kind of beautiful, that expensive cars and diamond earrings are the only proof of success, and that everyone should want to be just like everyone else.

At least, that's one man's interpretation.

Everybody Sees the Ants, by A.S. King

2012-01-24T07:00:00.001-05:00

I don't really review books, because I think for an author, even an aspiring one, to give critical reviews of someone else's work is a bit of a conflict of interest, but I do like to recommend books I loved.

That's what I'm doing today, over at Afterglow Book Reviews. Please stop by, and read my unreview of Everybody Sees the Ants, by A.S. King.

Best Wishes for Blackpool

2012-01-23T06:30:00.002-05:00

Today I want to welcome Marieke, from Write Dreams, to tell you about a cause she and her fellow writers have convinced me to take part in supporting.

Here is what she wrote when she first emailed me:

Donna's Dream House is a holiday home for children and teenagers with life-threatening or terminal illnesses, situated in the heart of Blackpool, UK. Run by volunteers, it has hosted and helped hundreds of families. Until just before Christmas, when arsonists broke into the Dream House, stole essential computer equipment, and started a fire that damaged the building so badly, it may have to be rebuilt completely.

And now I'm going to late her share her thoughts with you in a guest post:

I remember walking past a hospital room one day. The room appeared to be sealed off and its white walls and sterile smell didn’t fit in the otherwise colorful children’s hospital. The people inside wore gowns and gloves to keep the risk of infection to a bare minimum.

It looked like the scene from a thriller – Outbreak, or something.

Instead, what I saw were the effects of a bone marrow transplant. I remember staring at the room while the whole process flashed around in my head. A transplant meant harvesting marrow through a needle in your hip. It meant severe chemotherapy to destroy all the remaining marrow in your body. It meant not knowing what would happen next.

I don’t remember if the patient was a boy or a girl, I just remember standing there, aged 12, thinking it might be me.

Up to that point, I’d spent a lot of time in several hospitals; after that moment, I’d spent even more time in medical care because my immune system was doing everything it shouldn’t and nothing it should. Standing outside that room is one of many memories that would forever stay with me. The others? Going to a sea aquarium with other patients. Being allowed to wander around the off-limits section of a military airport (hey, I’m a geek!). Ice cream on an afternoon away from the hospital. Singing along on the top of my voice to Meat Loaf songs at the hospital school’s dance. The colors and laughter of a family room.

Because the only thing that outweighs not knowing if tomorrow is still there is living today to the fullest, together with family and friends. The charity Donna’s Dream House gives children and teens with life-threatening diseases the chance to make those memories and live those dreams. At least, it did. Until right before holidays, part of the main building was torched beyond repair.

They were forced to cancel Christmas for the families set to stay there.

Think about that for a moment.

And then hop over to Write Dreams, a kidlit auction to raise money for Donna’s Dream House. This week and next we have some amazing lots of signed books, critiques, ARCs, swag… not to mention a whole lot of UK authors chipping in too, so the perfect moment to try out some delish foreign books ;-) Hop over and please help us give Donna’s Dream House a better start of 2012.

Thank you <3

No, Marieke, thank you.

So please head over to Write Dreams, and check out some of the books and critiques up for auction. I'm giving something away, but for those of you who read this blog regularly, you should definitely check out everything that's available. If you do want to pay for my critique, for a good cause, you can find that post here, but don't tell me how much you paid, because I don't work well under pressure.

EDIT: Visit the Write Dreams How To Page, for details on how to bid, or even donate.

DL Hammons' Current Query Critiqued

2012-01-20T07:00:00.019-05:00

All right. Here we are, Friday morning, and we're back to Don's query. This time, with my feedback, which will be in red.

Here goes:

Mr. or Ms. Agent
The Most Awesome Literary Agency Ever,

I think you need to focus your flattery more the particular agent, and less on the agency. Something like Dear Most Awesome Literary Agent Ever, who works at one of the coolest agencies, which is only slightly less cool than the agent herself ...

Just kidding. I do love this, though.

Now, I do want to say something about voice. Many of you will already know this, but for you beginners out there, when you compare this query to Alexia's, from earlier this week, you may think this one lacks voice. It's certainly not as colorful as hers, but the thing is, that's good. The voice of the query needs to match the tone, style, and voice of the novel. Don's written a contemporary thriller, so his query needs to reflect that, which I think it does.

Lee Hamilton is watch your tense. Queries are rarely written in present tense, but if you feel it's important to do so, make sure it's uniform throughout. I'll point out later where your tense switches up. a small town HR Manager whose pedestrian life is only buoyed by his long-standing friendship with five old college buddies, the Knights. That all changes when he receives a phone call informing him that Steven Ebe, one of the Knights, has been found beaten and left in a coma. I would separate your paragraph here. These first two sentences are basically what we call hook, and they're pretty good. We've got a sense of character, a bit of backstory, and an inciting incident. Make them stand out by giving them their own paragraph. The group’s old I think you can cut this old, and the one two sentences before. By telling us they're his college buddies, since we know he's well into his career, the old is implied. motto comes rushing back -- you mess with one Knight, you mess with them all! Ebe is a reformed I would change this to former, rather than reformed. Depending on what kind of hacking he did (which can be morally ambiguous), he may or may not have had to reform anything. hacker who recently went to work for a private detective agency in South Carolina. Dianne Williams, the manager of the ~~detective~~ cut agency, surprises Lee with additional info explaining how her entire workforce has been sickened by some form of poison. Is this poison what put Steve in the coma, or something else entirely? You want might want to clarify. Rallying around their fallen companion, the Knights join forces with Dianne and discover a series of numbers huh? found in Ebe’s possession tied to a large scale cybercrime. The mystery deepens when the numbers are ~~also~~ cut linked to a Columbine-style high school shooting in Virginia? Is this meant to be a question? I think this should be a normal sentence, ending in a period.

Hmm. Okay, I think this is off to a good start. We've got a nice mystery, some heightened stakes, and a pretty good sense of upcoming conflict. I worry a little about naming so many characters, especially given that you're sharing their first and last names, but I get the feeling that's typical for this kind of novel. As long as you keep it to these three characters, I think you're okay.

I'm curious about these numbers, though. It may not be critical, but I feel like I want to know more about what you mean. Is it some kind of decryption key? If Steven was a hacker, it's got to be something related to information security, right? I would like just another word or two describing exactly what kind of numbers they are.

Dianne and Lee decide to fly to Virginia where they encounter a city I would name the city, rather than the state. You tell us it's Virginia in the last paragraph, and then you mention a city here. Just tell us if it's Richmond, Norfolk, or D.C. still reeling from the emotional impact of the shooting and distrustful of outsiders who won’t allow them to forget. Following leads withheld from the police and FBI, they quickly learn everything is not as it’s been reported in the news. Normally I would say this is a little vague, but I think you're okay here. If you explain too much, you'll end up in synopsis territory, and the query only needs to entice. The mysterious numbers are connected to even more crimes, the school shooter was it might look like this is the first tense switch, but this is actually okay. not working alone, and he left behind a suicide note that simply read…I’m not finished yet! Did the note really use an exclamation point? You've got one in your first paragraph. I would cut them both if you can, but definitely at least one. Lee and Dianne had somehow stumbled across the wizard behind the curtain, and the Knights weren’t in Kansas anymore. Now the group had this is the first place I see where we are definitely no longer in present tense. This should say has. a choice to make, make this comma a colon. return home and pass up a chance to clear their friend’s name, or put their very lives in danger by going toe to toe with an unimaginable fiend. This makes me think of fantasy for some reason. Like a demon. I know that's not what you mean, but you might want to be a little more specific about your antagonist.

All in all this paragraph is also pretty good. It sets up a mystery and a sense of conflict well, without giving too much away. It's obvious that the stakes are life and death, and there is a clear but tough choice for the protagonists to make. Except for the minor mechanics things I've pointed out, this is pretty well done.

FALLEN KNIGHT is a mystery/thriller novel complete at 105,000 words. By day I am the writer of technical journals and instruction manuals, but when the sun goes down I'm an active member of the writing community. I am also a proud member of Mystery Writers of America and International Thriller Writers. Fallen Knight is poised to be part of a larger series and I feel a perfect companion to your agencies other offerings. I would be careful here. If you're going to compliment an agent's list, that's fine, but give specific examples, to prove you've done your homework. If not, don't mention it.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you. Some agents have a no response means no policy, so you may not hear from them at all. I think you're fine just paring this sentence down to the first clause.

DL Hammons
Dlh.hammons@gmail.com
http://dlcruisingaltitude.blogspot.com/

So, in summary: you've got a good query here. There's a very clear sense of plot, conflict, stakes, and a difficult choice. We don't know much about Dianne, but we've got a decent sense of Lee and Steven's character, and I think we're okay without knowing a whole lot more about her. My biggest concerns, other than minor writing mechanics things, are the vagueness of the "numbers," and no real sense of our antagonist. I get the feeling the real bad guy is not the same person who shot up the high school, but we don't really know what he's after, or who he is. That can be okay, but if you want to keep him a mystery, you might cut that line about the "unimaginable fiend."

That's it.

What do you guys think? Disagree with me? What would you like to see cut or added from or to this query?

DL Hammons' Current Query

2012-01-19T06:30:00.003-05:00

Before we get to Don's query, I want to announce that along with him, Katie, and Alex, I'll be hosting the Origins blogfest on February 13th. I would put the sign up list at the bottom of this post, but I don't have the code, and you really should just go read Don's announcement post, because he does a great job explaining what it's all about. You can also sign up there, which I encourage you to do, because blogfests are the best way to meet other bloggers and build a following.

EDIT: I do have the code, I'm just a moron, and lost the email. But I found it now, so you are able to sign up below, if you like.

Okay, so let's get to Don's query letter, but first, you know the rules, you have to follow Don's blog, and then you can come back and read his query.

Back? Great, here goes:

Mr. or Ms. Agent
The Most Awesome Literary Agency Ever,

Lee Hamilton is a small town HR Manager whose pedestrian life is only buoyed by his long-standing friendship with five old college buddies, the Knights. That all changes when he receives a phone call informing him that Steven Ebe, one of the Knights, has been found beaten and left in a coma. The group’s old motto comes rushing back -- you mess with one Knight, you mess with them all! Ebe is a reformed hacker who recently went to work for a private detective agency in South Carolina. Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency, surprises Lee with additional info explaining how her entire workforce has been sickened by some form of poison. Rallying around their fallen companion, the Knights join forces with Dianne and discover a series of numbers found in Ebe’s possession tied to a large scale cybercrime. The mystery deepens when the numbers are also linked to a Columbine-style high school shooting in Virginia?

Dianne and Lee decide to fly to Virginia where they encounter a city still reeling from the emotional impact of the shooting and distrustful of outsiders who won’t allow them to forget. Following leads withheld from the police and FBI, they quickly learn everything is not as it’s been reported in the news. The mysterious numbers are connected to even more crimes, the school shooter was not working alone, and he left behind a suicide note that simply read…I’m not finished yet! Lee and Dianne had somehow stumbled across the wizard behind the curtain, and the Knights weren’t in Kansas anymore. Now the group had a choice to make, return home and pass up a chance to clear their friend’s name, or put their very lives in danger by going toe to toe with an unimaginable fiend.

FALLEN KNIGHT is a mystery/thriller novel complete at 105,000 words. By day I am the writer of technical journals and instruction manuals, but when the sun goes down I'm an active member of the writing community. I am also a proud member of Mystery Writers of America and International Thriller Writers. Fallen Knight is poised to be part of a larger series and I feel a perfect companion to your agencies other offerings.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

DL Hammons
Dlh.hammons@gmail.com
http://dlcruisingaltitude.blogspot.com/

That's it!

Remember, today is just for introductions (although if you don't know DL, you probably haven't been blogging long), so please save your feedback for tomorrow, when I'll be sharing my thoughts. For now just say hi, and thank him for having the courage to share this with us.

Alexia Chamberlynn's Current Query Critiqued

2012-01-18T07:00:00.001-05:00

First, a really quick announcement: be sure to visit the A to Z challenge website today, as there is something fun going on over there.

Now, let's get back to Alexia and her awesome query. As usual, my feedback will be in red.

Here goes:

Before we get started, I just want to point out that this query is already very good. It's full of voice, and very funny, which I'm sure matches the novel, but I'm going to try to nit-pick it, because that's the point of this whole thing, to try to make these letters as strong as they can be.

Also, Alexia knows to address her letter to an agent, and to spell their name correctly, she just realizes the part that matters is the meat of the query: the story.

Zyan Star is completely content with her undead existence as a witch/vampire bartender and bounty hunter. When you’re eternally damned, there’s nothing to lose, right?

I like this hook. It gives a decent sense of character, because we can feel this kind of apathy from Zy regarding her job, but I think the one thing you can be a little clearer about is exactly what kind of undead person she is. The combination of "undead existence" and "vampire" make it pretty clear she is a vampire, but the "witch," "bartender," and "bounty hunter" could be a bit clearer. The way it reads now, it almost sounds like she might be a bartender for, and a bounty hunter of, witches and vampires. I think you should try to clarify it a bit. Is she a vampire who serves drinks to witches, or is she a vampire and a witch, who serves drinks to others of her kind? It's pretty clear to me it's the latter, but some might read it as the former.

Also, because you don't make it clear in the rest of the query. I would love to know what kinds of bounties she hunts. Are there common criminals in this world, or is she normally hired to chase more high-profile targets? In this next paragraph, she becomes a bodyguard, so I'd love to know who she hunted before that, and who served the drinks while she was gone.

So when angelic(-)warrior I think this should be hyphenated, but it's kind of just a style choice, so it's up to you. Eli offers her a job protecting Earth’s Holy Representative from a vamp assassin, Zy turns him down faster than you can say cherub. LOVE this. Even if he is a tasty morsel of pure deliciousness that her best friends, a give us another word here, for characterization witch and a gay werewolf, think she’s crazy to ignore. LOVE this even more. But when she finds out the vamp hired to assassinate the HR I love this too, because it almost sounds like a Human Resources rep, but we know what you mean because you spelled it out earlier. Very funny. is the very same undead dirtbag who drained her blood, broke her heart, and left her to contemplate how much of a dumbass she is should this be was? I'm going to defer to my readers who are better grammar/tense experts than I, but I think it might need to be was. for all eternity – well, that changes things.

Except for the tiny things I mentioned, this is such a great paragraph. It's so funny, so full of voice and style, and really shows your chops as someone who can have fun with storytelling. But what really makes it great is that you get a sense of conflict, stakes, and a tough choice across on top of all that small picture stuff. Well done.

Fueled by revenge, Zy will stop at nothing to prevent her ex from accomplishing his mission. But as she moves deeper into the web of intrigue surrounding the HR, she realizes there’s a lot more at stake than her plot for revenge. Like the free will of mankind and preventing the minions of hell from taking over the sovereign dimensions. I'm not sure you even need this last sentence. The one before it was a great summary of the heightened stakes, and this last bit of world building muddies it up a bit, and I don't think we need it.

Except for the last sentence I mentioned, the rest of this paragraph is great. It raises the stakes a bit more, and summarizes the choices Zy is going to have to make quite well.

NOIR is an 80,000 word urban fantasy. I appreciate your time and consideration.

All in all this is a great query. You've got a few writing mechanics things to fix, but other than a better sense of Zy's character in the hook, and dropping a couple unnecessary things, I don't think you need to make any drastic changes.

So that's it.

What do you guys think? Do you need more world building, or do you think that's even needed with urban fantasy? What would you change about Alexia's hook? Or do you disagree with me, and think it was perfectly clear?

Alexia Chamberlynn's Current Query

2012-01-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

I don't often get to do this, but today I'm sharing a query from a writer I've actually met. Alexia and I had a wonderful conversation over lots of wine on the Saturday night at WFC 2011 in San Diego last year. She is a lovely person (that's her standing to my right, your left). You may recognize some of these other gorgeous ladies, too.

Anyway, today I want to introduce you to Alexia Chamberlynn, whose blog you simply must go follow. Seriously. Go follow it. She wrote more about WFC, here.

Back? Excellent.

Here is Alexia's current query letter:

Zyan Star is completely content with her undead existence as a witch/vampire bartender and bounty hunter. When you’re eternally damned, there’s nothing to lose, right?

So when angelic warrior Eli offers her a job protecting Earth’s Holy Representative from a vamp assassin, Zy turns him down faster than you can say cherub. Even if he is a tasty morsel of pure deliciousness that her best friends, a witch and a gay werewolf, think she’s crazy to ignore. But when she finds out the vamp hired to assassinate the HR is the very same undead dirtbag who drained her blood, broke her heart, and left her to contemplate how much of a dumbass she is for all eternity – well, that changes things.

Fueled by revenge, Zy will stop at nothing to prevent her ex from accomplishing his mission. But as she moves deeper into the web of intrigue surrounding the HR, she realizes there’s a lot more at stake than her plot for revenge. Like the free will of mankind and preventing the minions of hell from taking over the sovereign dimensions.

NOIR is an 80,000 word urban fantasy. I appreciate your time and consideration.

That's it.

If you've been here for one of these before, you know that today is just for introductions. I will share my feedback for Alexia with all of you tomorrow, so please save yours for then as well. It's great to get to see the query without any red first.

For now please just say hello and thank Alexia for her courage. Also, have a great Tuesday!

Finding Time for Project Mayhem

2012-01-16T07:15:00.003-05:00

I had a whirlwind of a weekend, and I blogged a bit about it over at Project Mayhem this morning. I'd appreciate it if you all would stop by and read the post.

Poetic Analysis of a Pop Song

2012-01-13T07:30:00.001-05:00

Happy Friday friends and readers. I hope today finds you well and full of inspiration. I had intended to critique my friend Alexia Chamberlynn's query today, but I screwed that up when I missed blogging on Wednesday.

I like to do two posts in a row for query critiques, so that you all can see the query without all my analysis. So, anyway, I hope Alexia doesn't mind if I save hers for next week. Today I'm going to do something a little different. Watch this video (I'm sure you've heard the song):

I'm not a big radio listener (except for NPR), and I don't buy CDs at Best Buy, but I have become aware of this pop song that I like a bit. It has a very underground hip-hop feel to it, even though it's clearly Big Record Label (that's like Big Oil, if you need to understand the Capitalization) material.

Anyway, I'm going to analyze the lyrics for you here, because I think there are some pretty clever metaphors in the verses.

Here's the chorus:

My heart's a stereo

It beats for you, so listen close

Hear my thoughts in every note o-oh

Make me your radio

Turn me up when you feel low

This melody was meant for you

So sing along to my stereo

I'm not analyzing this part, because while being sung by Adam Levine from Maroon 5, who clearly has a great voice, it's not particularly poetic in its lyricism.

Here's the first verse, which is spit by Travie McCoy (spit means rapped, but I hate that word):

If I was just another dusty record on the shelf

Would you blow me off and play me like everybody else

If I asked you to scratch my back, could you manage that

Ye-yeah, chicka Travie, I can handle that

Furthermore, I apologize for any skippin' tracks

It's just the last girl that played me left a couple cracks

I used to used to used to used to, now I'm over that

Cause holding grudges over love is ancient artifacts

If I could only find a note to make you understand

I'd sing it softly in your ear and grab you by the hands

To keep me stuck inside your head, like your favorite tune

And know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you

So I'm probably going to go three layers deeper than was ever intended here, but that's what music and poetry is all about, right? What is means to the reader and the listener, even if that's not what the author intended?

To me, this is a sad but hopeful story of an awkward young man who's been hurt by love. Let me tell you why I think that.

First of all, in hip-hop culture, especially among DJs and crate-diggers (people who hunt for old records in thrift shops) a dusty record does not carry the same connotation it does for most people. To a hip-hop producer, a dusty record is often an old funk classic that hides a hidden gym. A breakbeat, like on Amen Brother, by the Winstons, or Apache, by the Incredible Bongo Band, can be sampled, and mixed into the beat for a hip-hop track. If you're old enough to remember Vanilla Ice versus Queen and Bowie, you know what a sampled breakbeat sounds like, even if that's not an example of how it can be done well.

So my point is, when he compares himself to a dusty record, it's not the insult it sounds like on the surface. To me he's saying that he's a diamond in the rough. A nice, nerdy guy that any girl could love, but who's been stepped on in the past. This is supported by other metaphors in this verse, like "play me like everybody else," (play means to take advantage of in hip-hop culture) and "skipping tracks ... couple cracks." This is another vinyl/record metaphor, which I just absolutely love, because like in a relationship, there are any number of things that can make the needle jump the groove.

The second instance of the chorus is a little different, but we're not analyzing that one either. Here's the second verse:

If I was an old-school fifty pound boombox (remember them?)
Would you hold me on your shoulder wherever you walk
Would you turn my volume up in front of the cops (turn it up)
And crank it higher everytime they told you to stop
And all I ask is that you don't get mad at me
When you have to purchase mad D batteries
Appreciate every mixtape your friends make
You never know we come and go like on the interstate

I think I finally found a note to make you understand
If you can hit it, sing along and take me by the hand
Just keep me stuck inside your head, like your favorite tune
You know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you

This whole song is essentially a love song, but this second part can go a little deeper if you look into the subtext. A big boombox was a symbol of revolution for the hip-hop culture of the Bronx in the 1970s and 80s. Without the boombox, Breakdancers, also known as B-boys and B-Girls, never would have been able to take their art form to the streets, and never would have been able to express themselves in a way that ended up catching the attention of the mainstream media. It's also a symbol for defying authority, because boomboxes were often confiscated or destroyed by police, and to "turn [its] volume up in front of the cops" is certainly a reference to challenging authority.

Those old boomboxes were heavy, though, and expensive (mad D-batteries means you have to buy A LOT of batteries) so when he talks about carrying one on your shoulder wherever you walk, to me that's a metaphor for the burden of emotional baggage that every person brings into a relationship. A human being is a complicated thing, and their past can make them cry as easily as it can make them sing.

Anyway, this post has already gone on too long, but I wanted to share with you guys how even a silly pop song can have a deeper meaning, if you look more closely at the language. I think about comparative language like metaphors a lot, and I probably over-use them in my creative writing, but then again, there is nothing quite like the perfect turn of phrase, is there?

Tara Gallina's Current Query Critiqued

2012-01-12T06:00:00.011-05:00

Okay. First things first, I'm really sorry about yesterday, especially to Tara. I had a family emergency, and wasn't able to make it into work, or to get to a computer to put this post up. Everyone is fine now, so thanks for your understanding.

Now, let's get to work. Tara's query will remain in plain text, and my feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear [Agent name]:

[Personalize with reason I chose this agent.]

Seventeen-year-old Lily never thought falling for her best friend and learning the truth of her origins would make her want to die.

Be careful with your pronouns. The way this is written it sounds like Lily's best friend is female, when we realize in a moment, you mean Caden. I would also like to know a bit more about Lily. You give us some characterization in the next paragraph, but another word or two when you first introduce her could also help. If you can clear up the part about her best friend, this isn't bad as hooks go.

Once Lily was a lame teen, I kind of like the word lame, because I think it's shows voice, but I'm also not sure it's strong enough. You might want to get more specific. Other than holding on to these two beliefs, how was she lame? who held tight to two beliefs: She's different and probably destined to become crazy, like her father. It doesn't matter, watch your tense she's got Caden—her eccentric, mythology obsessed BF—who makes everything better. Does BF mean best friend, or boyfriend? Is this something everyone knows, and I'm just out of touch? You probably want to get more specific with all of this. So far, this is all backstory. There's nothing wrong with including a bit of it, but you want to integrate into the query better, and with more specificity. What happened to her dad? Why would she be so worried about ending up like him, other than ending up crazy?

Now she knows knows or discovers? Has she always known or was it a recent revelation? she's part goddess with healing powers that are as defective as her unruly hair. I kind of like this. Fays are real, soul-bearers charged to maintain the balance of life and death on earth. Caden is one, and there's a prophecy that links her fate to him. I think you could reword all of this into one sentence. This, combined with the new electrifying pull she feels toward Caden has Lily grappling with indecision, insecurities, and a seriously over active pulse. At this point we would normally want to have a better sense of what the conflict is. Right now, all we have is Lily's indecision regarding Caden, which is a nice bit of choice, but we don't really know what the main plot related conflict is.

Worse, the King of Death wants Lily's powers and won't stop until they're under his control. With death-fays after her, she must put her life in Caden's hands. Soon Lily is in his arms, where she feels both safe and vulnerable—until secrets about Caden's past set forth tragic events that force Lily to choose death over life. But fortunately for Lily nothing ever goes as planned. This is pretty good. You give us some conflict, insert a tough choice about Caden and trusting him, and up the stakes with being pursued by death-fays (which sounds a lot like death-ray, but I kind of like that). If you could go through the rest of your query, and make it as specific and concise as this last paragraph, I think you'd be in good shape.

FAYTED EXISTENCE, a YA paranormal novel, I think you need one more word here. Is it not a paranormal romance? complete at 87,000 words loosely mixes reaper what's that? Like the grim-reaper? and Welsh fay mythology. It's character-driven plot with a focus on mystery, secrets, and romance will appeal to crossover fans of Becca Fitzpatrick's Hush, Hush saga, and Sophia Taylor's Firelight series. I see that you expand on the genre a bit here, and that's good, but I still think you should include one more word above. If it's more mystery, add that, if it's more romance, put that in there. And as someone pointed out on Tuesday, Sophie Jordan wrote Firelight. I can't find any authors named Sophia Taylor. Make sure you double check your info when making comparisons.

I am a member of SCWBI, She Writes, and YAlitChat. I work with Lynnette Struble, a professional editor affiliated with Wild Rose Press and Harcourt School Publishing. What does this mean? You work with her? How, has she read and edited the manuscript? Do you do professional slush reading for her? I think you need to be specific about exactly what this means.

Okay. Let's try to summarize. The initial thing I think this query is missing is a sense of character. Other than a bit of backstory and one sentence about being lame, we really don't know what kind of person Lily is. We know what happens to her, but we don't know who she is. Try to convey what kind of person this story is about, and make it clear why we should care about her.

The second biggest problem is the lack of specificity. We have a lot of vague notions of what happens, and who has powers, but we really don't know what they can do, or how or when they discovered it. Or how or why her dad went crazy, and what happened to him as a result.

My final issue is that we don't really know that much about the plot. The King of Death send his Fay after Lily and Caden, but what exactly do they do? Do they run? Where? Do they fight back? How? Are there any allies they can turn to? We don't have to know all of this, just enough to entice us to read the pages, and to have a slightly better sense of what happens (plot) in the book.

Now, it's not all bad. As we discussed the other day, this market is probably a bit saturated, and a book like this might be a hard sell, but it's clear to me you've got a unique premise with an interesting twist and mash-up on traditional mythology. I think if you can make it clear in your query that your characters are as unique as your premise, you'd be in really good shape.

The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your precious time and consideration. Have a fabulous day.

Sincerely,

Tara Gallina

That's it!

What do you guys think? Is there anything I missed? Anything you disagree with? Can anyone try to write a better hook for Tara?

Tara Gallina's Current Query

2012-01-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

Today it's back to work here at the QQQE. Well, actually, today is the easy part, tomorrow is the work.

Anyway, today I'm featuring Tara Gallina's current query. If you don't know Tara, please go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Back? Great.

Now please keep in mind, today is just for introductions, and so you can have a chance to read the query without my redline. Please save your feedback for tomorrow.

Here we go:

Dear [Agent name]:

[Personalize with reason I chose this agent.]

Seventeen-year-old Lily never thought falling for her best friend and learning the truth of her origins would make her want to die.

Once Lily was a lame teen, who held tight to two beliefs: She's different and probably destined to become crazy, like her father. It doesn't matter, she's got Caden—her eccentric, mythology obsessed BF—who makes everything better.

Now she knows she's part goddess with healing powers that are as defective as her unruly hair. Fays are real, soul-bearers charged to maintain the balance of life and death on earth. Caden is one, and there's a prophecy that links her fate to him. This, combined with the new electrifying pull she feels toward Caden has Lily grappling with indecision, insecurities, and a seriously over active pulse.

Worse, the King of Death wants Lily's powers and won't stop until they're under his control. With death-fays after her, she must put her life in Caden's hands. Soon Lily is in his arms, where she feels both safe and vulnerable—until secrets about Caden's past set forth tragic events that force Lily to choose death over life. But fortunately for Lily nothing ever goes as planned.

FAYTED EXISTENCE, a YA paranormal novel, complete at 87,000 words loosely mixes reaper and Welsh fay mythology. It's character-driven plot with a focus on mystery, secrets, and romance will appeal to crossover fans of Becca Fitzpatrick's Hush, Hush saga, and Sophia Taylor's Firelight series.

I am a member of SCWBI, She Writes, and YAlitChat. I work with Lynnette Struble, a professional editor affiliated with Wild Rose Press and Harcourt School Publishing.

The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your precious time and consideration. Have a fabulous day.

Sincerely,

Tara Gallina

That's it!

Please thank Tara for her courage, and say hello in the comments, but remember to save your critique for tomorrow.

Blog Chain: Household Memories

2012-01-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

It's blog chain time again. I have to say, every time I think I'm just not organized enough to be a part of this thing anymore, someone comes up with such a compelling topic, I simply can't bow out.

This month, it's Jon. Yes, Jon Arntson, a good friend of mine, a great Words with Friends player, and my favorite Michigan writer. He gifted us with the dopest prompt:

Imagine the home(s) where you grew up, and start drawing a floor plan. As you draw, memories will surface. Grab onto one of those memories and tell us a story.

It's a little hard for me to talk about how much this brings up for me, because my childhood, and my childhood home ... let's just say I have all the ghosts in my pasts we all have. But Jon's presentation intrigued me especially, because while I'm not architect, I've always been fascinated by blueprints, and when I pretended to write comic books as a kid, I drew way more scenes from a birds-eye view than any comic book publisher would have accepted, I assume.

I don't have one specific memory that could be stretched into a whole post, at least not one I'm comfortable sharing, but I love what Abby did, when she shared a bunch of snippets, as her mind flitted from room to room.

This is my maddened version of her (and Jon's) genius.

The swingset in our front yard, which more often than not became the setting for one of my games of fantasy. Like the Sail Barge from the beginning of Return of the Jedi.

Our front porch. Where one of my favorite childhood photos ended up being taken - my sister and I, our faces stained with purple juice after collecting bucketfuls of blackberries from the backyard.

Our living room, where the fireplace was, and where my dad would blast his Steppenwolf records at full volume.

Our kitchen, where my mom and dad allowed a family friend to remodel in the 80s. It's still the same kind of ugly.

Our family room. Where my dad and I would watch Seahawk games. He recorded every one on Betamax in the beginning, and we had a remote contol - one that had a cord.

Our deck, where we did our barbecueing, and could see all the way to the Olympic Mountains, on a clear day.

The basement. Where the furnace was, and where I got so jealous when we furnished a room and mom let my big sister move her bedroom down there.

The upstairs bathroom. Where I would perform in front of the mirror - when I was supposed to be taking a bath - pretending I was the host of a variety show, for sometimes as long as 15 minutes.

My room, where Legos, and GI Joes, and Star Wars men dominated the floor space, and where the closet had a window out through which I could climb onto the roof, and escape from everything.

There are probably hundreds more memories I could share, but this is a blog chain, so you should check Sandra's post, who came before me, and Kate's post, who will actually go up today, because mine was supposed to be yesterday. Someday I'll get it right.

AIR PIRATES by Adam Heine

2012-01-06T07:00:00.081-05:00

First off: sorry for the double post today. I scheduled myself into a corner, but both posts were too important to move. If you took the time to read (and comment on) both, then you rock. If not, that's okay, too.

Okay, guys. This is very exciting for me, because it takes us back to one of the coolest things I used to do on this blog. Sharing examples of successful query letters. I finally get to add another one to that list.

And this one is going to be very cool, because it comes from my good friend Adam Heine, who not only wrote an awesome book, but just recently landed his agent. So, if you've never read one of these before, it can get a little confusing. I like to do tag-team analysis, so here is how it works: Adam's query will be in plain text. Adam's analysis of why he thinks his letter might have worked, will be in blue. My random interjections, stupid jokes, and occasional tidbits of sage wisdom, will be in scabby-red (note that my blog design template turns hyperlinks into a more blood-red).

Okay, here goes...

Honestly, I don't actually KNOW why my query worked, but I guess it did (11 to 17% request rate, depending on how you count). I'll try to say why I did what I did. We'll see if that helps.

It does.

For Hagai's 17th birthday, he receives a stone from his mother that shows visions of the future. The thing is, Hagai thought his mother was killed ten years ago.

The Hook. It's hard to get everything critical in just a sentence or two. I think the trick is knowing what's NOT critical. Here, I wanted his age, the inciting event (the stone) and why it was inciting (the sender, his mother, is supposed to be dead). I'd cut "that shows visions of the future" too, except then he just gets a stone, which is somewhat less exciting.

I get the feeling Adam's just being humble here, which I completely respect, but I'll go a little deeper. The key, IMHO, to what he's done here, is how he conveys so much information in so few words. One way he achieves this is by combining Hagai's age with his birthday, which is masterful, if you ask me. Another is that he deftly weaves backstory into the same two sentences as his hook and inciting incident (which may or may not be the same thing, depending on your story and your query). The final thing, and this is not always that easy, depending on your character, is Hagai's name. Knowing Adam, and knowing his love for all things Asian (much like my own) I get a hint for the kind of world he's built, just from his MCs name. It's subtle, but it's there. This can be very important in some genres, like fantasy, or completely unnecessary, like in contemporary romance (assumption).

The bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew (People seem to like this line. I guess this is what they call "voice." Fortunately for me, it's the same voice I use in the novel, so I didn't have to cut it.), It is voice, but it also characterizes our MC a bit, so again, Adam's killing two birds with one stone. but when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he sets out to find her (increased stakes and what Hagai does about it). Initial conflict. Air pirates are hunting the stone too, and it's not long before a young pirate named Sam nicks it. Hagai tracks Sam down and demands the stone back--politely, of course, because Sam's got a knife.

Here's where things got tricky. The book actually has two POVs: Hagai and Sam, but every attempt I made at writing a query that mentioned this, or that restarted the story from Sam's POV, didn't work. The best I could come up with was to make Sam the Second Character in the query and show his goals. The hard part was ignoring all of his backstory which, honestly, is like 2/5 of the novel.

I absolutely subscribe to Adam's method, here. I'm sure someone out there has done it, but I cannot personally recall reading a query told from more than one point of view (usually 3rd person) where I thought it worked. A query is not a synopsis, and it really only has one simple job: entice an agent to read some pages.

Oddly, Sam offers him a job. He needs someone non-threatening to consult a seer hiding among the monks (a couple world tidbits here), and he reckons Hagai is as non-threatening as they come. Hagai agrees (see how quickly I came back to Hagai?), Yep, we do, and it's a point well taken. The novel is almost always going to be so broad and complex that there is no way to fit it all in a query letter. Just cover the key elements. intending to turn Sam in at the first opportunity. But when the seer says Sam is the key to finding his mother (increased stakes), Hagai chooses his mother's life over the law (what Hagai does about it). This is called choice. When I give query advice, I tell people to focus on the three Cs: Character, Conflict, and Choice. Who is the story about, what do they have to overcome, and what will happen if they can't (or choose not to)? Adam's covered all of them succinctly, and in an entertaining way.

Though Sam has the Imperial Navy and the world's most ruthless pirate on his keel (more stakes) and voice, Hagai joins Sam's crew (more Hagai doing), headed toward some godforsaken island he's never heard of (also this whole sentence gives a couple more world tidbits). He doesn't trust Sam, and the stone haunts Hagai with visions of his own death (more stakes? Honestly at this point I think I was just slapping stuff on). This also sets up some rules of how your world works, assuming the stone is some kind of magical artifact. Nonetheless, he's determined to change the future and find his mother, if it's not already too late (parting emotional shot). This also summarizes the conflict, stakes, and choice in one decent sentence.

AIR PIRATES is an 84,000-word YA steampunk adventure (genre, but not a very clear one), I like genre-bending, I do it myself. set in an alternate world (a phrase I felt necessary to use only because "steampunk" usually implies "19th Century Earth;" I still don't know if it was necessary). I think the clarity is there. I think it would appeal to readers of Scott Westerfeld's LEVIATHAN trilogy (comparison; I usually don't do these at all because they're too much of a stretch, but after reading Leviathan, I felt like it was exactly the sort of thing I would write (if I was a genius). The wording is critical though: "I think it would appeal to readers of" rather than "my book is as awesome as"). At this point, with a query this good, I don't think the comparison was necessary, and I'm sure Adam's agent didn't use it in her decision whether or not to read pages, but this is a good example of how to handle it. My short story "Pawn's Gambit," set in the same world as AIR PIRATES, has appeared in BENEATH CEASELESS SKIES and THE BEST OF BENEATH CEASELESS SKIES, YEAR TWO anthology (professional credits; I'm lucky to have one, but for years I left this part blank, and that's okay too). Yep, it helps, but is not required. If you have no credits, just leave it blank.

So, just to try to summarize, if I can wrap my head around all this, I think the biggest strong point in Adam's query writing skills comes in his ability to combine ideas he needs to convey into single concepts. Like a sword with a soul-trap enchantment, it accomplishes two (or more) things at once. This is especially evident in his opening hook, but if you look closely, his query letter is full of examples of it.

He doesn't spend a lot of time going into detail about the conflict, and in fact we have very little idea about most of the plot, but it works just fine, because we know just what we need to know, and nothing more. Keep in mind that an agent will see the pages to get an idea of the writing, and will then go to the synopsis to find out what happens (plot).

What do you guys think? Can you make heads or tails of all this colored text? Does Adam's book sound as awesome to you as it does to me? Do you like Naruto? What about Avatar, the Last Airbender (no, not the film)?

NOTE: Adam is also going to be featured on Mother. Write. (Repeat.) today, chatting with his agent, Tricia, about how they hooked up (not like that). So you should definitely read that as well.

A to Z Announcement

2012-01-06T06:00:00.040-05:00

So here it is, the big news I was talking about (I know, I should have thought about it before I wrote it that way, made it sound like agent news, didn't it? Sorry).

This year I've been asked to be a co-host of the venerable A to Z blogfest, which is the biggest blogfest I know of, and has been a huge success, ever since Arlee Bird started it, nearly two years ago.

Here is the official list of all the co-hosts:

Tossing It Out (Arlee Bird)
Amlokiblogs (Damyanti Biswas)
Alex J. Cavanaugh (Alex J. Cavanaugh)
Life is Good (Tina Downey)
Cruising Altitude 2.0 (DL Hammons)
Retro-Zombie (Jeremy Hawkins)
The Warrior Muse (Shannon Lawrence)
Author Elizabeth Mueller (Elizabeth Mueller)
Pearson Report (Jenny Pearson)
No Thought 2 Small (Konstanz Silverbow)
Breakthrough Blogs (Stephen Tremp)
Coming Down the Mountain (Karen G)

If you don't know what the A to Z challenge is, you're in for a treat. It's a blogfest mainly devoted to meeting new bloggers, but also to flexing your blogging muscles, and committing to 26 posts in April, one for every letter of the alphabet. It's tough, but it's worth it.

Please visit all the hosts, and make sure you're following them. There is also an official A to Z blog and website, so you should check that out as well. Further news, and announcements about where and when you can sign up, will be coming soon.

Get ready!

A Friend in Need

2012-01-05T06:00:00.008-05:00

It's like 4 AM. I'm sitting here at work, because I came in to cover for the overnight guy, and I keep nodding off, but I can't stop thinking about my friend, Candace.

The Misadventures in Candyland is my all time favorite blog. Hands down. It's the funniest, bravest, most honest thing I've ever read. I dearly miss reading her posts every day, like I used to get to do. Candace has been going through some rough times, lately, with a very difficult pregnancy, and .... well, it's not really my place to put her business up on my blog, but you should go read her post.

Like now.

I already sent her something to try to help, but I would really like it if some of you could lend a hand as well. If everyone who normally leaves a comment here could send Candace and her family even just one dollar, for her wonderful children, Lillihammer, and the Sullinator, it would probably be enough to carry them through to the next paycheck.

I can promise you this is not a scam, and is 100% genuine. Candace gives a lot of her time and effort to a lot of good causes, and because of tough times, this time the cause is her kids. So please, if you can afford to do anything to help, please do.

And if you can't, Candace's blog is still an incredibly entertaining, but also informative place to visit.

You can read about:

How Fartypants are a necessity for getting the Party Starty, or

Why landing an agent is not a Unicorn Toot, or

Just a little bit of Christmas Random, or

Pretty much any post Candace has ever written. She will make you laugh. Promise.

Candylandgang, out.

So What Does It All Mean?

2012-01-04T06:30:00.001-05:00

First of all, thanks so much to everyone who reads this blog. Even if you only lurk, or even if you only clicked "follow this blog" once, years ago, and never came back, I appreciate your support.

For me, personally, this journey to publication is something I could not ever have achieved alone. To have friends, people who truly understand, that is what makes it all bearable.

Some of you are new here, so I will give you a little history. I started this blog in March of 2009, almost two years ago. At the time, I'd given up on wanting to be a writer, you know, a real writer. I hadn't written a thing in months, and I was so frustrated by how difficult it seemed to be to break into the publishing industry, I was ready to give up on my passion, and settle for the table scraps of a life the corporate world was willing to give me.

The real reason I was discouraged, though, is that I was trying to do it alone. I did not know a single other person who was a writer. I was not in contact with a single person who was a professional in the publishing industry. Sure, I researched query letters, and I wrote to some agents, but I wasn't going about it right. I didn't connect with anyone.

So long story short, before I go on for way too long about all this, I started a blog, met some amazing people, and now feel more energized about my creative passion than I ever have in my entire life. I've had short stories published, I've met agents, editors, and famous authors, but most importantly, I've begun real friendships with people whose love of writing is the same as mine.

Back when I first started, I remember looking up to bloggers who had a thousand followers like the were some kind of paragons.

I remember first meeting Elana Johnson, and she already had just over a thousand followers at the time. We became friends, and she has probably taught me more about the ancient and honorable art that is the query letter than anyone, except maybe:

Lisa and Laura Roecker have been friends of mine for a long time. They were always so nice, and were one of the first people to lend their fame to my blog, offering their support to someone just starting out. I remember being so excited watching them reach that thousand follower milestone.

I think I met Shannon Messenger before she had a thousand followers, but she's been so famous for so long, it's hard to remember. What with being the queen of the writing/publishing conference circuit, and running WriteOnCon with the ladies listed above (and Casey and Jamie), it's hard to imagine how Shannon found the time to respond to my inane comments, and send me rambling emails (which I loved, hugz, Shan).

Rock Star of the literary world, Nathan Bransford probably had more than 2500 followers when I first started reading his blog, and in fact, his blog was probably the only thing that inspired me to start a blog more than watching that movie, Julie & Julia (yes, I'm a dork, deal with it). In spite of all the people he interacts with and helps, Nathan still always found the time to respond to questions in his forums, and had the best attitude of any publishing professional I knew.

Now ... now that I'm here, wherever here is, I hate to have to tell you: having a thousand followers really doesn't mean a thing. It's just an arbitrary number, and while it's fun to look up there and see it, it means so very little compared to real, human connections, or something tangible, like actually finishing a manuscript.

I'm not saying that if you're inspired to build a popular blog with a big following that you shouldn't go for it, because you should, but I am saying that now that I've reached this milestone I'd hoped for for so long, it puts things in perspective. Things like: writing a novel, finishing the manuscript to the point where it is submittable, earning author representation from a literary agent, and selling a book to an editor, that's what really matters.

At least to me.

What about you guys? Where are you in your journey? Do you care about having a lot of blog followers? Do you read and follow the blogs I mentioned? Because if you don't, you should.

2012

2012-01-03T06:00:00.001-05:00

Well, first things first, Happy New Year everyone! May 2012 bring you everything you're hoping for.

Before we get back into the swing of things around here, I've got a couple of announcements.

Thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh, whose continued friendship and support seems to be able to net me followers, even on days when I'm not posting. His post from yesterday, featured me along with four other awesome bloggers who are all nearing 1000 followers. If you don't follow Alex, or you don't follow the bloggers he mentions, you should go take care of that.

Other than that, 2012 will probably be a bit different here at the QQQE. I've almost got this novel ready for submission, and I've got a couple agents waiting on me, so I'll be posting less often, and reading blogs less often than I'd like to, but I expect to make up for missing quantity with some great quality posts.

For one thing, my good friend and personal inspiration, Adam Heine, has recently signed with an agent for author representation, and he's going to be sharing and analyzing his query letter with me this Friday, harking back to the series of Successful Queries that are probably what first put this blog on the map.

In the same vein, I'll be doing a lot of query critiques early this new year, but if you have a letter you think might need a little work, feel free to send me an email. And if you are an author, or you know an author, whose query letter landed them an agent, and they'd like to help others by analyzing why it worked, get in touch.

You might notice I changed my blog photo. I do not actually wear my hair like that. I'd probably be fired from my soul-sucking day job if I did. I shave my own head, because there's very little left up top, so I was messing with my daughter over the holidays, and showing her what a mohawk was, and we took that photo. Just for fun.

Finally, I've got some big news coming up, about some exciting things I'll be taking part in this year, but I can't reveal it just yet.

How was your holiday?

Pleasantly Surprised and Thoroughly Impressed

2011-12-28T06:30:00.046-05:00

As you guys know from yesterday, my Kindle broke over the holiday. I was very concerned what was going to happen. Well, I am excited to tell you, I had the best customer service interaction I have ever experienced yesterday afternoon.

I will share the important part of the chat I had with Bhuvnesh, the Amazon Customer Service Rep, below, but I can easily summarize as well. I chatted with this gentleman for literally five minutes, before he reached the decision that Amazon would be replacing my Kindle, and shipping it next day air, on their dime.

Yes, you read that right. I would not have to send them the failed device, wait for them to refurbish it, and hope that a working one would arrive, 4 to 6 weeks later. They did not have to inspect my device to ensure it was not user error or negligence that damaged it. He did ask a few key questions, as you will see, but I easily could have been lying in my answers (I was not, but I could have been, he had no way to know).

Microsoft, whose X-Box 360 red ring of death scandal is one of the worst in consumer electronics history, I'm looking at you. This is how customers ought to be treated.

Now, before we get all blue flowers and unicorn farts on Amazon, let's keep in mind their business model. Amazon does not profit from selling Kindles. In fact, they're losing a good bit of money on the Kindle Fire, at least on the hardware, on purpose. That's because Amazon makes money off the content we buy to view on our Kindles. A lot of money. There's nothing wrong with that, but the point is, it makes sense for them to do everything they can to make sure I have a working device, so that I can purchase more content.

Yes, it costs them money to overnight the device to me, and yes, it costs them money to simply replace my failed Kindle sight unseen, but it's good business. It keeps me loyal, and it keeps me in a position to be able to buy more content from them, content which provides them with the highest possible profit margin.

Now, none of this is to say that a corporation as giant as Amazon should ever be considered completely benevolent, or that you should stop shopping at local indie bookstores, but it is evidence that they are getting one thing right. In fact, this whole thing went down so fast and so easily for me, it quite literally blew my mind.

Do any of you have any customer service nightmares or wondrous dreams to share?

Holiday Woes

2011-12-27T06:00:00.001-05:00

I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, and there are many things I could tell you about, and celebrate, but instead I'm going to bitch about a couple things, because I can.

My Kindle died over the weekend. I've owned it for about 9 months. I'm really pissed. I'd grown quite attached to it, I must say, in those few short months.

I was in the middle of reading a really good book, too. Not one I can talk about, though. Thankfully I have the Kindle app on my iPad, so all was not lost, but reading on the iPad is a little bit like spraying lemon juice into your eyes, at least by comparison.

There is nothing quite as cool as e-ink. Except when that shit dies. I have no idea what went wrong with it. On Christmas Eve, it just froze. It would not respond to any buttons. I gave it a hard reset by holding the sleep slider button over to the right for over 20 seconds, and that rebooted the device, which then worked for about five minutes, and froze up again. I was able to reset it 3 or 4 times on Christmas Eve, but by the time we got home from Grandma's house, it was completely screwed. Now it will not respond to any buttons, and will only light up when connected to the charger, but will not be recognized by the PC, or complete charging (where the indicator turns from yellow to green). Amazon better have some kind of warranty in place, because I've had it for less than a year, and just got a second and third Kindle (different models) for my kids.

I'll be contacting them today.

The other thing I need to bitch about is the NFL. Well, mainly, Adrian Petersen. Every game I watched over the weekend sucked., but especially the Vikings. Not only did they win a pointless game, and therefore needlessly remove themselves from the running for the first draft pick, but they lost Adrian Petersen, possibly the best player in the sport, for this season, and most likely some of next season. It seems so utterly pointless.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have been playing. He's a competitor, and that's what they do, but for him to tear his ACL and MCL in such a needless game, and then for the Vikings to go on and somehow win that game ... it just puts a really crappy cap on a truly terrible season.

All right, that's it. I'm done complaining. I really did have a wonderful holiday, otherwise. How was your Christmas?

A Song of Ice and Fire

2011-12-19T07:30:00.001-05:00

This series could have been called A Song of Onions, Turnips, and the Human Nipple. I'm only kidding, but Martin did seem a bit obsessed with certain things.

Anyway, I just finished A Dance with Dragons, the fifth book in this series, on Friday. I'm not really going to review the series, because, for one thing, I don't do reviews, and for another, the scope of this story is just too grand to be analyzed by me, especially when I'm not yet done absorbing everything the tale has to say.

I will talk about some writing mechanics type things that Martin does well. I won't talk about any possible weaknesses, although these books can be very frustrating at times. Mostly I want to talk about what it's like to take nearly a year to read a series, and then be nowhere closer to any kind of conclusion than you were before. This feeling is why I usually don't begin a series until it's all been published, but when I heard about HBO doing the show, I knew I'd be left with no choice.

The nice thing is, now I'll be able to read other books. It's not like I haven't read any other books while I was reading Martin, but each of the books in this series is at least 800 pages long, so there was a certain time commitment necessary to get through them all.

Anyway, this post will end up going on far too long if I try to talk about everything that comes to mind ... maybe I should turn it into a series. No, that time would be better spent on my own novel. But I do want to cover what I think is Martin's greatest strength.

There are no heroes and no villains. Just like in real life, people do not go around thinking "I'm a good guy," or "I'm a bad guy." They just don't. Some people do the right thing, because they were raised that way, or because they enjoy it, or for any number of reasons, but people don't go to war, or on missions, because they want to be a hero. Some people have less than worthwhile motives and goals, but they don't set out to be evil, just for evil's sake. They generally believe what they are doing is right, or that at least the ends justify the means.

Martin is the master are both creating and portraying both sides of the spectrum. There are absolutely no heroes and no villains in this story. The characters you begin by absolutely hating, eventually come around to earn at least some sympathy. The characters you were at first convinced were full of nothing but honor or innocence, or both, reveal their humanity soon enough.

There is one particular section, I believe it was the fourth book, in which I was so over having to read chapters from this one character's point of view, because this character was essentially reprehensible, and yet. I. Could. Not. Put. It. Down.

Have you ever experienced something like that? Obviously if this would have happened earlier in the story, I probably would have given up on it, but I think the way that Martin built the plot (or lack thereof, depending on your opinion), up to the point where even reading the POV of characters you essentially hated was still fascinating. I basically have no idea how he made it work.

Wow. So this probably makes very little sense to any of you. Has anyone read these books? Seen the show? Even if you've read them, can you make any sense of my spoiler avoiding ramblings?

How bout those Kansas City Chiefs?

Donna Weaver's Current Query Critiqued

2011-12-16T06:30:00.001-05:00

Good morning. Or, well, at least neutral morning. The one thing I can confirm is that it's morning.

Today we have Donna's query again, except this time, with my feedback, which is in red.

Here we go:

Dear [Agent's Name]:

Lyn needs something to distract her from the fact that her dead fiancé turned out to be a cheating scumbag. I love the way you sneak this backstory in, that's done very well, but I would like to know more about Lyn as a character first. Other than what's happened to her, what kind of person is she? What she plans is a vacation diversion: an uncomplicated, unromantic cruise. Do people go on cruises by themselves? I suppose they do, but I'd never considered it before. What fate provides is Braedon. Here is another missed opportunity for a bit of characterization. I get it that we learn a lot more about him in the next paragraph, and that's great, but even one or two more words here would help this pack more punch.

Against the backdrop of the ship’s make-believe world, what does this mean? Is it some kind of fantasy theme cruise? Lyn finds herself drawn to him. His interest in people, his gentle humor, his love of music, and even his willingness to let her take him down during morning Karate practices. Hah! Love this. Unexpectedly, her long-dead emotions come alive again.

However, fear is an emotion, too. Mmm, I don't know if everyone will agree, but for me this is a tasty little twist.

Unaware of the sensitive waters he navigates, Braedon makes his move. It sucks I'm not sure this is the voice you want, unless the book is written that way. How old is Lyn? when it happens to be on the anniversary she came to forget. Came to forget, or ached to forget? I think you could stand to use some stronger wording for things like this. He doesn’t ask for much, just a chance, and part of her wants to give it to him. But Lyn's painful memories are too powerful, and she won't trust another fairytale. I like this, it really reveals the tender position her heart is in, while wording her inability to trust, in a clear, but stylistic way.

Later in the cruise the estranged pair finds themselves on the same snorkeling excursion. Awkward enough, but then paradise turns to piracy when their party is kidnapped. Lyn must overcome her fears to fight alongside the man she rejected, first for their freedom and then their survival while lost at sea. This whole last paragraph is awesome. I don't read much romance, so up until this graph I was kind of ... this query is good, but the book probably wouldn't be for me. But then you hit me with this twist, and tied it to the foreshadowing (yes, a query can foreshadow, for a few seconds). I think this conclusion really sums up the final conflict and the choice Lyn must make quite well.

And fate isn’t finished yet. I'm not sure you need this, though. You already just finished with a bang, and this is vague, a bit cliche, and just weakens the punch you just gave.

A CHANGE OF PLANS is a clean adventure romance at 96,000 words. I currently serve on the Board of the League of Utah Writers’ Utah Valley Chapter and am the Social Director for the iWriteNetwork. [Here is where I’d put the personalized information about the specific agent.] I know there's ongoing debate about this, but I put personalization at the end when I query, too. Now, I want to talk about genre. Personally, I would drop the clean, and call this a romantic adventure, or adventure-romance. I'm no expert on this, but my understanding is that romance is clean by definition, and if there is explicit sex, it's erotica. I'm not sure, but my friend Tawna Fenske will know, so I'll ask her to stop by.

So, in summary, I think you've got a good query on your hands. The structure is nearly perfect, you open, introduce us to the characters, set up the internal conflict, and the choice that goes with it, then escalate to the external conflict. Character. Conflict. Choice. That's exactly how it should be. What I want to see changed is your opening hook, and better introduction to the character behind your characters, if that makes any sense.

That's it!

What do the rest of you think? How could Donna open with a stronger hook, add more characterization, and still keep the nice backstory set up without using too many words?

Does anyone who read or write romance know if I'm right in my assumption? Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Donna Weaver's Current Query

2011-12-15T06:00:00.001-05:00

Our laptop died last night. I was really pissed, because I'd been planning on getting some revising in, which I don't often do at home, and then I couldn't. We all share one laptop. We have a desktop, but it's a ten year old iMac, and I don't write on it. Thank goodness it's only the laptop power supply. We were able to order a replacement from Amazon for very little money. The shipping is more than the product.

Anyway, enough about my computer woes. Today we have another query. Do you guys know Donna Weaver? Go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Now here's her query:

Dear [Agent's Name]:

Lyn needs something to distract her from the fact that her dead fiancé turned out to be a cheating scumbag. What she plans is a vacation diversion: an uncomplicated, unromantic cruise. What fate provides is Braedon.

Against the backdrop of the ship’s make-believe world, Lyn finds herself drawn to him. His interest in people, his gentle humor, his love of music, and even his willingness to let her take him down during morning Karate practices. Unexpectedly, her long-dead emotions come alive again.

However, fear is an emotion, too.

Unaware of the sensitive waters he navigates, Braedon makes his move. It sucks when it happens to be on the anniversary she came to forget. He doesn’t ask for much, just a chance, and part of her wants to give it to him. But Lyn's painful memories are too powerful, and she won't trust another fairytale.

Later in the cruise the estranged pair finds themselves on the same snorkeling excursion. Awkward enough, but then paradise turns to piracy when their party is kidnapped. Lyn must overcome her fears to fight alongside the man she rejected, first for their freedom and then their survival while lost at sea.

And fate isn’t finished yet.

A CHANGE OF PLANS is a clean adventure romance at 96,000 words. I currently serve on the Board of the League of Utah Writers’ Utah Valley Chapter and am the Social Director for the iWriteNetwork. [Here is where I’d put the personalized information about the specific agent.]

That's it.

Please say hi to Donna, and thank her for her courage, but keep your feedback for tomorrow. Thanks!

Another PM Post

2011-12-14T06:30:00.001-05:00

I'm writing over at Project Mayhem again today. It's kind of a highly personal topic for me, so please stop by my post, and recommend some books!

Part One

2011-12-12T10:30:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the double post today, guys. If you're just arriving now, see right below this post, for the first place I would love it if you would visit. If you're coming back, because you saw I double posted, then please go visit YA Confidential, where I was only barely involved in something very cool my friend Sara McClung put together.

Alliteration Sensation

2011-12-12T07:00:00.003-05:00

I was featured at Laura Barnes' blog this weekend, on a Saturday. No one reads blogs on Saturdays, so I thought I'd send you all over there now. Please go read Laura's feature/interview of me, which you can find: here.

Elena Solodow's Current Query Critiqued

2011-12-09T08:00:00.001-05:00

Here we are, back in business. Let's get right to work on Elena's query.

My feedback will be in red.

Here we go:

Don’t be careful what you wish for--let the Tenders do that!

I get what you're trying to do here, but I don't think you need this. It is kind of a clever line, but it has very little meaning to a reader at the beginning like this, and even later, when we understand what it means, it's unlikely someone would come back to it.

On the other hand, it's awesome to see you know how to represent an em-dash in a query letter. As much as I love the em-dash, it does not play well with others; others being the hundreds of potential email clients an agent might be using, which may or may not work well with rich text and advanced formatting. If you want an em-dash in your query, readers, do it like this, with two hyphens/normal dashes.

In the year 2018, the North is ruled by wish-granting humans called Tenders. This is a much better hook. It's got world building, voice, and a great potential for conflict, all in a few succinct words. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen I agree with other readers that this is an awesome name. If anyone doesn't know the playwright Henrik Ibsen, go look him up, he had one of the coolest beards ever known to man. Goodman lives in the South, a segregated country where faith is the priority and Tenders are abominations before God. I like this concept, and I think the idea makes for an excellent punch at the end of your opening paragraph, but I'm not sure the execution is as good as it could be. For example "faith is the priority" sounds a bit weak to me. If Tenders are abominations (awesome wording there, BTW) then I think you can use stronger language in the phrase that precedes it. I haven't read this novel, so I'm not sure what to suggest, but I'm sure you can come up with something more vivid. Also, segregated how? What are the cultural groups that are being separated and/or oppressed?

Ibsen struggles to care for his schizophrenic mother love this while his sister Abigail works can you be more specific? What does she do? Farm, hunt, steal, or have a normal type job? to keep food on the table. She’s the only one to reassure him that their mother’s illness won’t infect him, does Ibsen not know that mental illness is not contagious, or is that not true in the world of TENDER? until she you may want to change this pronoun or the one at the beginning of the sentence. It's not hard to puzzle out what you mean, but it's not immediately clear whether the mother or the sister disappears. disappears and leaves Ibsen to tend to his mother alone.

Abigail's trail leads to the land of the Tenders, making her a traitor in the eyes of the South. In the eyes of the culture of the South, or in the eyes of some kind of institution that is in power? I think you need to be a bit clearer about who the enemy is here. No one ventures across the border and returns, but Ibsen will lose his mother, home, and sanity you could just say "everything." if he doesn’t get his sister back. His only guide is a girl who might be lying to him more than helping. She knows her way around the North, and she knows even more about the Tenders – (em-dash, use a double hyphen here too) because she is one.This is awesome, but I want to know a little more about how he found this guide. Does Ibsen head out on foot, leaving his mother behind, and then just randomly run into this girl on the trail? Or did he know her already or something?

As far as her being a surprise Tender, that's just great. Rarely does a twist work that well in a query, without having to over-explain it.

To find Abigail and survive the North, Ibsen must deal with the demons he's been raised to fear. This is the Tenders, right? In their world, he gets more than his sister – (em-dash) far more than he wished for.

Okay. So this query is describing what is obviously an exciting premise for a story. I love the feel of the Civil War remix, and the idea that this near future America is not quite what it seems, but you're lacking some specificity here. I mean I sense that the conflict is Ibsen looking for his sister, with the help of his Tender friend (pun intended) and then worrying about being persecuted by ... someone. My biggest problem is that we have no idea who would be after him, or what they might do to him.

Are we talking about some kind of neo-racist xenophobes who are so terrified of the Tender's powers that they murder them on site? Or is there some kind of government in place that has laws against associating with them? It wouldn't take much, probably just a sentence or two, but if you could set up who the enemy is, the conflict and stakes in your story would make much more sense--and pack more punch.

TENDER is a young adult dystopian fantasy complete at 68,000 words.

So that's it.

What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Get anything wrong? What would you like to see more (or less) of?

Elena Solodow's Current Query

2011-12-08T07:00:00.015-05:00

This one is very cool for me, because I think this is the first time I've ever helped someone who I've actually met with their query. Elena Solodow is a friend of mine. We hung out a lot at WFC in San Diego. I know she enjoys sushi, likes good beer, smokes the coolest natural cigarettes, and has some of the most hilarious story ideas I've ever heard.

Right, so anyway, you know the rules. Go follow Elena's blog. I'll wait.

Back? Great.

Here's her query:

Don’t be careful what you wish for--let the Tenders do that!

In the year 2018, the North is ruled by wish-granting humans called Tenders. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen Goodman lives in the South, a segregated country where faith is the priority and Tenders are abominations before God.

Ibsen struggles to care for his schizophrenic mother while his sister Abigail works to keep food on the table. She’s the only one to reassure him that their mother’s illness won’t infect him, until she disappears and leaves Ibsen to tend to his mother alone.

Abigail's trail leads to the land of the Tenders, making her a traitor in the eyes of the South. No one ventures across the border and returns, but Ibsen will lose his mother, home, and sanity if he doesn’t get his sister back. His only guide is a girl who might be lying to him more than helping. She knows her way around the North, and she knows even more about the Tenders – because she is one.

To find Abigail and survive the North, Ibsen must deal with the demons he's been raised to fear. In their world, he gets more than his sister – far more than he wished for.

TENDER is a young adult dystopian fantasy complete at 68,000 words.

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Elena for sharing this with us!

Can I Quote John Cougar Mellencamp, Referene Glee, and Tell the Truth in a Single Post?

2011-12-07T07:30:00.002-05:00

Try me.

So yes, I still watch Glee. On TV. Live. It isn't what it used to be, but my children both love the singing, and the underlying messages are still important. So I allow it. I'm usually drinking in the corner, revising, and paying scant attention to the audio.

Anyway, there was a moment in last night's episode (please tell me this was a new episode, and my DVR did not escape from 1984) when the show quoted John Cougar, and in spite of my never being a fan of Bon Jovi, it actually made sense to me.

I've thought a lot about what I write, and why I write it, lately. Some of it has to do with friends and mentors like Andrew and Joe, who never set out to write YA novels, and yet ended up writing books that broke the mold.

For me, I've always wanted to write a book, and I've had hundreds of ideas from high Tolkienesque fantasy to juvenile MG humor, but none of them were ever novel worthy. Then the WM idea struck me, and it seemed like it was the one.

I'm going on too long here, because that's what I do, but to get back to the quote, this is why I write YA, or at least why I might have written the book I wrote, when I didn't even realize it was YA:

Hold on to sixteen, as long as you can. - John Cougar Mellencamp, from Jack and Diane.

At first glance, this is a simple, innocuous line.

But anyone who writes YA, whether on purpose or not, knows different.

This shit matters.

Let me put that quote on a line of it's own.

Hold on to sixteen, as long as you can.

Do you get it?

This shit is serious.

Anyway, I want to talk about what this means to me, and why it matters when it comes to writing books.

I write the longest blog posts when I break paragraphs at every. Single. Sentence.

For me, 16 was the age of innocence and the age of insolence at the same time. My mother was long dead, and my father was long gone, and I had been angry at the world, and defying every rule it ever gave me for years. Every adult I'd ever known had abandoned me to my own devices, or abused me with their sickness.

And yet I carried on. I lived life passionately. Because being young is all about hope, and despair, and poignancy. It's about flipping the bird to authority, and thumbing your nose at conventional wisdom. It's about aching to be touched by someone who loves you, and about drowning your sorrow in cigarettes and booze and Nine Inch Nails. It's about reading your favorite novel for the first time, it's about driving for the first time, it's about freedom.

Or at least it was for me.

There are so many firsts. First love, first kiss, first smoke, first sex. Nothing you do again will ever be as cool (or perhaps as terrible).

Later, when you're all grown up, adulthood is about bills, and 401ks, and tax returns, and ethics competency training. When you're old, getting in the car to go to the grocery store is a chore. When you're young, getting in a car to drive anywhere is an adventure.

When you're old, going to work can feel like being shackled to an oar on a rotting slave galley out of old Volantis. When you're young, going to school can feel like solving a mystery.

When you're old, the days fly by like frames in a film reel. When you're young, each day is like an ocean, teeming with life, and full of possibility.

So ... I realize this is starting to get a little depressing, and it isn't meant to. I mean I might be a jaded, confused, and sad old man, but I do still have beauty and truth in my life. That isn't the point, though.

The point is, I write YA books about young people, that may or may not be for young people, because being young is exciting. Because being young is terrible and beautiful. Because being young is being full of life.

Because I'm trying to hold on to sixteen, as long as I can.

Blog Chain: Writing Desk

2011-12-05T06:30:00.001-05:00

Apparently this is the last blog chain of the year. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway, this chain's topic was decided on by Tere, who asked us:

What conditions do you need to get your best writing done? Closed door, crowded coffee house? Computer or notebook? Can you just sit down to write, or do you need to wait for the time to be right?

Before you read my response, go visit Sandra, whose link in the chain comes before mine. Tomorrow, you can visit Kate, whose link comes after.

So, now to my answer, if you can call it that.

I've only been writing seriously for a few years, well, depending on what you consider serious. Seeking publication, I suppose. When I first started, I was very uptight about where and when I wrote. I had to have a desktop computer, with two monitors (one for research, one for drafting) and it had to have a big, clicky keyboard. I always did my best writing first thing in the morning, and tended to have more success revising in the afternoon.

Since then, I've come to realize that writing is a lot like time. You can't always find it, so you have to make it. I'm not sure that analogy makes much sense written down like this, but my point is, you're not always going to be able to find the perfect circumstance, so you have to just make do. I've got two kids and a rowdy dog, so writing at home is difficult, but I do it, when I can, because I have to, even though I can't stand writing on a laptop. I also have an annoying, soul-sucking day job, but I get some writing done there as well, even with phones ringing all over the room, managers walking around pretending they matter, and people talking at me all day long.

All that being said, I would kill for a cabin in the mountains, with a window on the world, and a nice old typewriter on a roll top desk. Oh, that, and the time to enjoy it.

Where do you get your best writing done?

Nancy Thompson's Current Query Critiqued

2011-12-02T06:30:00.001-05:00

Okay. We've got Nancy's query again today, except this time with my redline.

Let's get right to it.

Dear (Agent's name):

Skylar Karras awesome name wants one thing, to enjoy life with his new bride and the child they’re expecting, but when his wife falls victim to a reckless woman’s greed, I like this, but it's vague. It becomes clear in a moment that she was probably murdered, but who is this reckless woman? If she's not an important character in the novel, you could just say his wife was murdered without mentioning by who. he’s forced to bury them instead. Now all Sky wants is revenge. His brother, Nick, has the perfect plan: grab the woman responsible and turn her over to his boss, a sex-trafficker in San Francisco’s Russian Mafia. Okay. This is really cool, but it goes with my point, if the murderer is a sex-slave, or a junkie, or both, say so right away. He is he Nick, or the mob boss? offers Sky a deal he can't refuse. In exchange for the woman, he’ll let Nick I thought this was about Skylar, but now Nick's the one who needs to get out of the game? Does Sky not also have ties to the mob? leave the business for good—with his debt wiped clean and his heart still beating. I think we may need to understand this setup a little better. We've got these brothers, one or both of them has ties to the ruthless Russian Mafia, and one wants revenge for his wife's murder, which was committed by a woman associated with the mob. If Sky wants revenge, why would he give this woman back to the mob? Had she somehow escaped their clutches, and he's planning on returning her to her life of victimization?

There’s just one problem: Sky kidnaps the wrong woman. Uh oh. This is a nice twist, and it will work even better if you can clear up the first paragraph a bit.

Now he must protect Hannah Maguire from the very men he’s mistakenly set upon her. But the Russians are holding Nick as leverage to force Sky to complete their deal. I'm starting to understand. Nick was the one caught up in all the crime, Sky was the good brother, but he wants to save his brother and get his revenge all in one move. Caught in a no-win situation, he must find a way to save himself, his brother, and the girl. But with the Russian Mafia, even two out of three makes for very long odds. This is pretty good, great summary, great stakes, great set-up of a difficult choice to make.

THE MISTAKEN, a psychological thriller of 91,000 words, might appeal to fans of Jennifer Hillier’s Creep and Greg Iles’s Turning Angel and Sleep No More. Perfect. This is exactly how you should make these comparisons.

Though I no longer have ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld, I have loosely based my novel on villains and events from my past there. I'm not sure what to say about this. On the one hand, your experience gives you a unique and singular ability to tell this story, which is clearly important biographical information, but I think you might need to get more specific. I mean not here, in a public forum, because I'm sure it's personal information, but I think it will make a big difference to an agent whether you are an ex investigator, criminal, or victim. I'm not sure, it may not matter as much as I think it does, but "ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld" could mean many different things.

I would be happy to provide sample chapters, a full synopsis, or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

So this query is already very good. You people have to stop sending me these great queries, because it makes my job very hard. Just kidding.

I really think you're in great shape here. You've obviously got a high stakes premise, and this sounds a bit like Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, or Eastern Promises, but darker, American, and more contemporary. I think if you fix a couple things in the first paragraph, to clarify, you'll be in excellent shape. My biggest problem is with the logic of the solution, if Sky gives the woman to the mob to save his brother, he's not really getting his revenge, unless giving her back to the mob is the revenge. You need to make that clearer.

Best Regards,
Nancy S. Thompson
(personal info redacted)

That's all, folks.

So what do you guys think? What would you add, cut, or change? Am I wrong in my confusion about the solution to Sky's problems?

Nancy Thompson's Current Query

2011-12-01T06:00:00.001-05:00

Happy Thursday, friends. Happy December, too. Today we have the query of Nancy Thompson. Please go visit her blog, and become a follower.

Back?

Here's the query:

Dear (Agent's name):

Skylar Karras wants one thing, to enjoy life with his new bride and the child they’re expecting, but when his wife falls victim to a reckless woman’s greed, he’s forced to bury them instead. Now all Sky wants is revenge. His brother, Nick, has the perfect plan: grab the woman responsible and turn her over to his boss, a sex-trafficker in San Francisco’s Russian Mafia. He offers Sky a deal he can't refuse. In exchange for the woman, he’ll let Nick leave the business for good—with his debt wiped clean and his heart still beating.

There’s just one problem: Sky kidnaps the wrong woman.

Now he must protect Hannah Maguire from the very men he’s mistakenly set upon her. But the Russians are holding Nick as leverage to force Sky to complete their deal. Caught in a no-win situation, he must find a way to save himself, his brother, and the girl. But with the Russian Mafia, even two out of three makes for very long odds.

THE MISTAKEN, a psychological thriller of 91,000 words, might appeal to fans of Jennifer Hillier’s Creep and Greg Iles’s Turning Angel and Sleep No More.

Though I no longer have ties with anyone in San Francisco’s Russian underworld, I have loosely based my novel on villains and events from my past there.

I would be happy to provide sample chapters, a full synopsis, or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,
Nancy S. Thompson
(personal info redacted)

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. For now you can just say hi to Nancy in the comments, thank her for having the courage to share her query for all of us to learn from, or both!

Vine Leaves Literary Journal

2011-11-30T06:15:00.002-05:00

I'm not posting today, because I'm up to my eyebrow in revisions, but you should visit my dear friend Jessica Bell instead. She is posting about a new literary journal she and another friend Dawn Ius have started, called, you guessed it: Vine Leaves Literary Journal.

Head on over to Jessica's blog, but you can also find Vine Leaves on Facebook, and at their website.

Comments are off, because seriously? Just go where I told you to go already, sheesh. Just kidding, have a great day, friends!

Project Mayhem Post

2011-11-28T07:00:00.005-05:00

Today is my day to post at Project Mayhem, and since we took the kids to their first NFL game yesterday, I'm asking you guys about books and sports. Head on over, to see if you can answer my question.

Tangled Tides: I Choose Gorgons!

2011-11-25T08:00:00.002-05:00

HAPPY BOOK BIRTHDAY TO TANGLED TIDES!

Karen Amanda Hooper’s young adult novel, TANGLED TIDES, is officially being released into the world today. I’m joining the celebration by fighting in the war--the underwater web war between the sea creatures!

Karen’s story contains battling merfolk, selkies, sirens and gorgons. She says she loves all of them, but she wants everyone else to choose a side, so…

I choose Gorgons, because they're awesome. Also, both my daughter and I were born in the year of the snake. Off topic, I know, but still fun!

I'm going to let Karen break down the creatures for you guys, as they appear in her novel:

MERFOLK: of the sun, need warmth, gifted singers, can control water. Fun fact: in my story merfolk are ranked by color. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Violet (yes, the rainbow. And yes, my MC makes fun of it.) Each rank has a designated role and duties to their kind. Also, they must smoke C-weed to survive. You'll have to read the book to find out what C-weed is.

SIRENS: of the sun, need warmth, seductive singers, can control the weather. Fun fact: There are 3 siren sisters, one for each of the original gorgon sisters who were eternally banished to the dark and cold gorgon grotto. The sirens fly and swim between the worlds doing the gorgon sisters' dirty work, but the sirens evolved to be feisty rebels who do whatever they want most of the time--including stealing memories from humans.

SELKIES: of the moon, need cold, phenomenal dancers, can control human minds. Fun fact: selkies need the cold to survive but they're trapped in warm FL weather, so they hang out at Jack Frost's, a bar that is freezing cold and everything (seats, tables, walls, etc) are made out of ice. Their chic fur coats also help keep their bodies cool. They smoke seagarettes and have lots of scars that are invisible to humans.

GORGONS: of the moon, need cold, seductive dancers (though that doesn't get revealed til book 2 ((SHHHH. No one knows that yet but you guys!)), can control the sea creatures (the original 3 are like the gods of their world). Fun fact: Just like Medusa, the gorgons can turn any living thing to stone, but they aren't the heartless evil monsters that are portrayed in most legends. They are wicked smart, fast, and powerful. The male gorgons are tough as rock.

So I'm sure you can see why I selected Gorgons, Medusa aside. Now I want to give Karen a chance to tell you guys about her book. I haven't finished it yet, because I'm very busy, but I have read the first few chapters, and so far it's awesome!

Take it away Karen:

Yara Jones doesn’t believe in sea monsters—until she becomes one.

When a hurricane hits her island home and she wakes up with fins, Yara finds herself tangled up in an underwater world of mysterious merfolk and secretive selkies. Both sides believe Yara can save them by fulfilling a broken promise and opening the sealed gateway to their realm, but they are battling over how it should be done. The selkies want to take her life. The merfolk want something far more precious.

Treygan, the stormy-eyed merman who turned Yara mer, will stop at nothing and sacrifice everything to protect his people—until he falls for Yara. The tides turn as Yara fights to save herself, hundreds of sea creatures, and the merman who has her heart. She could lose her soul in the process—or she might open the gateway to a love that’s deeper than the oceans.

Now let me announce the totally original contest she's running:

Wanna learn more or join in on the fun? Go check out the details at Karen’s blog:

http://www.KarenAmandaHooper.com

Karen is giving away a signed copy of her book and some other sea creature themed prizes. To enter, join the underwater web war on Twitter. Tweet which sea creatures you’re rooting for and why. Include the hashtag #TangledTides and you could win.

Karen will be on Twitter all day celebrating and answering questions, so stop by and say hello.

@Karen_Hooper

And finally, here's where you can find Karen, and her book:

Karen's blog: http://www.karenamandahooper.com/

Amazon: http://amzn.com/1936850435

Rhemalda Bookstore: http://tiny.cc/BuyTangledTides

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/tangled-tides-karen-amanda-hooper/1035791101?ean=9781936850433&itm=1&usri=tangled%252btides

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12047201-tangled-tides

Jenny Morris' Current Query Critiqued

2011-11-23T07:30:00.004-05:00

All right, my lovelies. Here we are, the day before Thanksgiving, and I'm at work, awake long before any sensible person ought to be. But I'm here for you, my friends, because I care.

Anyway, today we have Jenny's query again. If you somehow missed yesterday's introduction, scroll down. You can find a link to Jenny's blog on yesterday's post. Yes, your scroll wheel is working.

This time, the query is undergoing my blood red pen. There's not a whole lot else to say, so let's get to work:

Dear Agent:

I am pleased to submit for your consideration my completed 65,000 word young adult fantasy novel, THE GUARDIAN TRIBE.

I think you should skip all this, or rather save it for the end. There are agents who want housekeeping and/or personalization up front like this, but if you're writing to one of these agents, you need more housekeeping and/or personalization than this. If an agent doesn't specifically ask for it up front, I advise getting right to what matters most: the story.

Kella never tells anyone what she is, this comma could be a colon, a freak, to be dissected. Whoa. So on the one hand I really like this line, it's full of voice, and sort of jumps off the page and grabs you by the throat, but on the other hand, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I assume you don't mean literally dissected, and under that assumption, I basically can't figure out what it should mean metaphorically. Unless, I suppose, this is a slasher thriller. If so: cool. She did once and her drug addict mom went crazy. I get that you're trying to hint at backstory, and that's good, but this feels completely disconnected from everything else. Her secret…her best friend, Gabrielle, is her guardian angel. Interesting. That’s not all, Kella can fuse her body to Gabrielle’s angelic form and they become one being. Usually I would want to know more about how something like this works, but I think I'm okay with a bit of vagueness here, because this just sounds so cool. Words never pass between them, only feelings and powers. And besides, you tell us a little about how it works. These angelic powers allow Kella to fly, kick the crap out of boys, and sometimes bring people back from the brink of death. If the query ended here, I would request based off of this one line.

Asher convinces his dad to take him to Haiti, so can prove himself. But then you start to wander. If you've got two alternating POVs in the novel, that's fine, and you can even make that clear in the query, and write a bit about them both, but not like this. It's too sudden, and it makes it seem like you might be talking about two different books. Instead, he finds Kella. She lives in Haiti, or she just happens to be flying by? We need to see a connection here. She’s smart, sexy, and can jump off buildings. Send pages. Life completely changes. The guardian angel Asher stared at for eighteen years, now allows him to fly through the air like a superhero, and sense people’s feelings, especially Kella’s. You're jumping back and forth too much, from sentences with great voice and specificity, like the last one, to ones that make no sense, like this one. Does Asher have his own guardian angel, or are you talking about Gabrielle/Kella again? Why has he been staring at her for 18 years, if he just ran into her in Haiti? Or is this some other angel?

Asher must use every power he has, when Gabrielle is kidnapped. Kella is left afraid, helpless, and very, very human. They must find a way to bring Gabrielle back, or Kella will lose her guardian angel forever. This isn't bad, but you don't even clue us in to the conflict until your final summary sentence. Try to focus on the three Cs: Character, Conflict, and Choice. Give us those three things, as quickly as you can, while still making sense, and you're good to go.

THE GUARDIAN TRIBE appeals to readers who love it when girls kick butt or have ever wished they could fly. Yet, this novel goes beyond most supernatural tales and creates a relationship between humans and angels that will make readers ache to be a member of the Tribe. You don't want to word this kind of thing this way. It sounds a little pretentious. Don't say things like "appeals" say "might appeal" or at least "will appeal." And don't tell an agent that your story will make readers ache, show her, with your writing. Otherwise there are some good lines here, just reword them a little, and it will sound better.

If you would like to consider THE GUARDIAN TRIBE, I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Jenny Morris

Okay. So this query does one thing well: it makes it clear you've got some awesome characters, and a kick-ass premise. Sometimes that's enough.

What you need to do is focus on connecting everything. As it is now your query meanders around too much. You jump from one cool thing to the next, without making sure they are logically connected. You also take too long to get to the conflict, and then never explain it properly. I love the paranormal/supernatural element of your story, and I think I get well enough how it works, but I really would like to see more about what happens.

You're off to a good start here, you've got plenty of voice and a good sense of character, which are hard to do. See if you can rewrite this so the conflict and choice are as good as the rest, and you'll be in great shape.

That's it.

What do you guys think? What would you change? Am I making any sense? What would you like to see more of in Jenny's query?

Jenny Morris' Current Query

2011-11-22T06:30:00.000-05:00

Here's another query for you guys.

Before we get to the letter, you have to go visit Jenny's blog, and follow her. I'm serious. The scroll wheel on your mouse is now locked until you get back from your new tab. You are using tabbed browsing, right?

Now, the query:

Dear Agent:

I am pleased to submit for your consideration my completed 65,000 word young adult fantasy novel, THE GUARDIAN TRIBE.

Kella never tells anyone what she is, a freak, to be dissected. She did once and her drug addict mom went crazy. Her secret…her best friend, Gabrielle, is her guardian angel. That’s not all, Kella can fuse her body to Gabrielle’s angelic form and they become one being. Words never pass between them, only feelings and powers. These angelic powers allow Kella to fly, kick the crap out of boys, and sometimes bring people back from the brink of death.

Asher convinces his dad to take him to Haiti, so can prove himself. Instead, he finds Kella. She’s smart, sexy, and can jump off buildings. Life completely changes. The guardian angel Asher stared at for eighteen years, now allows him to fly through the air like a superhero, and sense people’s feelings, especially Kella’s.

Asher must use every power he has, when Gabrielle is kidnapped. Kella is left afraid, helpless, and very, very human. They must find a way to bring Gabrielle back, or Kella will lose her guardian angel forever.

THE GUARDIAN TRIBE appeals to readers who love it when girls kick butt or have ever wished they could fly. Yet, this novel goes beyond most supernatural tales and creates a relationship between humans and angels that will make readers ache to be a member of the Tribe.

If you would like to consider THE GUARDIAN TRIBE, I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Jenny Morris

That's it.

Remember: today is just for introductions. Please save your feedback for tomorrow.

Blog Chain: Greatest Accomplishment

2011-11-21T07:30:00.018-05:00

Today is my turn in the blog chain.

Michelle started this one, with the topic:

This is the month in creating writing goals and making big accomplishments. What is your greatest accomplishment -- in writing, your life or perhaps something incidental that had a big effect on you?

Be sure to check out Sandra's post, who is the link in the chain before me, and Kate, whose post will come tomorrow.

Now, to my greatest accomplishment. Others have written about real life things, like parenthood or marriage, and those are certainly worthwhile accomplishments, but I'm going to keep my post writing related, although I am proud to be a father, and to have somehow survived my teenage years.

I think my greatest accomplishment when it comes to writing, is simply getting to type "the end." At least so far. Hopefully in the long run that won't seem like such a big deal, but for now, just finishing a novel, even a horrible, convoluted first draft of a novel, seems like a pretty big deal. It took a lot of patience and perseverance to get there, and it's something most people will never be able to say they've done.

Writers are a unique breed of individual, and even if you never get published, finishing a novel is no small task.

What's your greatest accomplishment?

Become: Ali Cross Blog Tour

2011-11-18T06:00:00.001-05:00

Today is my stop on Ali Cross's blog tour for her debut novel: Become. I asked Ali to write about how she manages it all, because as I watch a friend who is as busy as I know Ali is release a book, I have to wonder how one finds the time.

I could probably go on about this for a while, but instead I'll just let Ali take it away:

There's a lot I could say about how to juggle all the balls we each have in the air. But none of it would really matter, because my story isn’t your story.

All I can say is this: We all have our priorities and our own choices to make. And your priorities, your choices, will be different from mine.

Think of yourself as a juggler, keeping a bunch of balls rotating in the air. I think if you took the time to examine what your priorities are, then you might find you’ll do a better job of keeping those balls moving right along.

For me, my first priority is myself. This was a really hard one to accept. Nowhere in any self-help book or parenting book does it say to put yourself first. And yet, this is what feels right for me. My health and happiness are paramount—without those things I lose the strength to launch each ball into the air. Without the juggler, the balls won’t be launched or caught at all. Because I am the juggler, I come first.

Next, comes my relationship with God. And this doesn’t include my church activities or the service I do. This is just me; in prayer, in scripture reading--whatever shapes my relationship with God. He brings the skill, the patience, the awareness, and the knowledge to get those balls moving in an orderly fashion.

My husband and children represent most of the balls. They include being kind, loving them, serving them. The nice thing about these balls, is that once I get them going and I pay attention to them, they return the favor by imbuing me with strength and happiness each time they pass through my hands.

And finally, my writing--which is really back to me again. Because I am my writing. Writing is an essential element in my care for myself. If I’m giving priority to myself, then I’m giving priority to my writing as well.

Notice, I didn’t include errands or housework as any of my balls. Of course I have them, and they do take their turns whirling among the other colorful balls that I swing through the air. But they come and go.

It isn’t necessary for me to juggle all the balls at once. I am not always serving my husband, so I can throw up the service ball during those times. I am not always taking care of my children or writing, so I can replace those balls with housework for a while.

Really, the only balls that I try to keep going all the time are the ones that represent my love and care for myself, and the ones that represent my love and care for God.

I never have all my balls up in the air at the same time, and I think this is how I manage everything I have to do—by making my priorities, and then building my life around those things. Also, I try never to expect perfection. If a good juggler drops a ball, he doesn’t drop all of them in search of the one rolling away. He simply keeps going, knowing that when he stops he can gather up the dropped ball and include it in his next round.

The same holds true as I juggle all the things I’m responsible for. I’ll drop a ball from time to time, but that’s okay. I just keep going with the balls I have until the day is done. Tomorrow is a new day, my balls will all be assembled and ready for me to animate them, and because I’ve taken care of myself, my hands and mind will be all the more nimble, and perhaps I’ll do a better job of keeping my balls in the air.

It all comes down to the priorities you set and the choices you make. Each juggler is different, and so are we!

Now I want to give Ali a chance to plug her book, since that's kind of the point of the tour.

BLURB:
Sixteen-year old Desolation Black wants nothing more than to stay in Hell where it’s cold and lonely and totally predictable. Instead, she’s sent back to Earth where she must face the evil she despises and the good she always feared.

When Desi is forced to embrace her inner demon, she assumes her choice has been made—that she has no hope of being anything other than what her father, Lucifer, has created her to be. What she doesn’t count on, is finding a reason to change—something she’s never had before—a friend.

BIO:
Ali Cross is the sensei of the Writer's Dojo where she holds a black belt in awesome. She lives in Utah with her kickin' husband, two sparring sons, one ninja cat, two sumo dogs and four zen turtles.

You can find her:

On her blog.
At the Writer's Dojo.
On Facebook.
Or Twitter.

Thanks so much for letting me take part in your tour, Ali!

You're the best, and I wish you nothing but success.

Kristen Wixted's Current Query Critiqued

2011-11-16T07:30:00.004-05:00

It's raining in torrents here, and my office has a metal roof. So I can barely hear myself think.

Who comes up with these clichés? Thinking is silent, of course you can't hear it.

Anyway, the point is, I'm just going to dive right in, and get to work. You all met Kristen yesterday, and if you didn't, just scroll down to the post beneath this one.

Today I'm featuring her query again, this time with my thoughts, in red text.

Here we go:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

I’ve read your profiles and interviews on xxx blogs/web-sites, and I am impressed with your sincerity and your passion for good quality children’s writing. I hope you will consider my middle grade novel, SILVER POOL OF LIGHT, for your list.

I'm not going to cover this first part. I mean I could say this is too short and too generic to really qualify as true personalization of a query letter, but I get the feeling you were just giving an example, and wouldn't intend to write your personalization this way for every query you send in.

Eleven-year-old Eve Tilton, a self-proclaimed “blossoming” celebrity, YES! This is the kind of thing I always try to fight for in the queries I critique. In 7 little words (okay, yes, some are hyphenated), you've given us a wonderful idea of who our character is, showed us why we should care, and done it with voice. NOTE TO READERS WHO QUERY: This is how you introduce an MC. has been afraid of the ocean since living through a horrible I'm not sure you need this. I can't imagine surviving a deep ocean accident that would be anything but utterly terrifying. If there is a key plot reason for this, get more specific. sailing accident at the age of five. So maybe she's can't fully remember the details? Just the paralyzing fear? When she spends the month of July on Martha’s Vineyard that sounds like torture for someone with her fears. with her step-siblings and great aunt, she hopes for privacy. Privacy? That seems odd. I can't remember thinking about privacy at eleven, and I'd be picturing Eve hoping not to drown. Lately Eve’s been forced to share so many personal details on celebrity blogs and the ever-growing iGirl website…it’s becoming tedious. Okay. Now I'm confused. Forced by whom? I get that she's some kind of eleven-year-old iCarly or something, but who is forcing her to do this, and what details is she sharing?

So your opening paragraph starts out strong, with incredible character, and decent hook, but it soon gets muddled for me (subjectivity). I don't have a clear idea of what the plot is going to be, which isn't necessarily required this far into the query, but it's giving me a sense of "I thought it would be about this, but it's actually about that," which is not usually good.

Plus, Eve has a secret friend—don't use em-dashes in queries. It works here, because I pasted from your word doc, but email clients do funny things to advanced formatting like this. Besides, this works better as a sentence. she doesn’t want her step-sibs snooping around in Aunt Tibby’s attic when she’s writing to eleven(-)year(-)old Jane Mayhew. Because Jane lives in 1874. Eve doesn’t know how it works—em-dash maybe the diary they write in time-travels, or maybe the sea chest the diary is kept in. But if she writes in the diary and places it in the chest, and waits…Jane writes back. From 1874. I really like this. It sounds like a fascinating premise, but the problem here is that your plot is only getting more muddled as things go on. Right now I get the feeling that the plot is the correspondence between the girls, and the fear of the ocean and the iGirl stuff is all backstory. I obviously could be wrong.

This paragraph suffers from much the same problem as the first. It's well written, with good voice and cool ideas, but it's not cohesive, in the big picture sense, with the rest of the query. Right now I have no clear idea what the main conflict in this book is, and I've read too much not to know that by now.

It’s pre-occupying, technically this verb makes sense (though as a word preoccupy does not need to be hyphenated) but I don't think it works here. I think you want something stronger. writing back and forth with a girl from more than a hundred years ago. They write about what they have in common: funny aunts, clueless fathers, acquaintances with more interesting lives than their own. But just as Eve is invited to hob-nob with film stars, Wait. What? So the internet celebrity stuff is not backstory? Now I'm really confused. It's not that you can't have subplots in the novel, and I'm sure they work well there, but your query needs to focus on one main conflict. she discovers that Jane is going to board a doomed whaling ship. Eve enlists Liam, her twelve-year-old, slightly smelly step-brother, to help her keep Jane off the ship. Can they time travel? Or do they have to convince her with a letter? As they plot and plan, she tries to focus on Jane, but it’s so hard to concentrate on tempests, malaria, and whale blubber when you’re invited to a movie star’s private beach…. You only need three dots in an ellipsis. Eve faces difficult choices, knowing that if Jane boards that ship, she will die in an accident eerily similar to the one Eve survived the day her mother died. I do like the way you sum this up. Well done on summarizing.

SILVER POOL OF LIGHT is complete at 48,000 words. How do you fit all this plot into so few words? Last summer I completed the advanced novel workshop at the University of Iowa, isn't this one of the most prestigious writing programs in the country? Good stuff. and have attended numerous SCBWI writing workshops. I hold a certificate I didn't even know you could get certificates in writing. I may have to look into that myself. in Children’s Writing from Emerson College and am a member of SCBWI. Please visit my writer’s blog: Don’t Forget the Samovar, at blogspot.com. Excellent bio. I wouldn't change a thing.

Per your submission guidelines I have pasted in the first 5/10 this is like your personalization I think, just an example. pages below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Okay. So the pros are that you've got great writing, great voice, and great ideas in this query. That's good news, because those are harder to fix.

The problem is that this query lacks focus, and may be too long. Without the to and from lines, it's 390 words. Now I'm not going to tell you there are rules about query length, because I don't believe in that crap. I've seen a query that had less than 50 words and it blew me away just as much as it did Janet Reid. I can't think of an example, but I'm sure there are longer queries that work too. As long as it serves the story, don't worry about length. Problem is: I worry that your length here doesn't serve the story.

Try to focus on one plot line, one conflict, and the one choice that must be made. I think it's the correspondence with the historical girl, and the need to save her, but I can't quite tell for sure.

Sincerely,

Kristen Wixted

That's all, folks.

So what do you guys think? What would you change? Do you think she really needs to cut as much as I think she needs to cut? How would you write a better opening hook for this story?

A NOTE ON ELLIPSES: There is actually apparently some debate about the point I made about three dots in an ellipsis. Some manuals of style describe a terminal ellipsis that can use four dots, but only if it ends a sentence or a paragraph. There is also debate . . . on how to space ellipses. When I write them in fiction, I always surround each dot with a space on either side, because I prefer the way it looks, but there are publications out there that will tell you that is wrong.

I'm going to continue to suggest to Kristen that she only use three dots (you'll notice some of hers do only have three dots, so the one with four may have been on purpose), but I would like everyone to keep in mind that like all the advice I give, it is highly subjective, and should only be followed if it resonates for you (the author).

Kristen Wixted's Current Query

2011-11-15T06:30:00.000-05:00

Good morning friends. I'm not really here, I'm revising. Shh, don't tell my book. I just wanted to drop in quick and share a query with you guys. It's not really blogging, because all I have to do is paste it, like Zuzu's petals, and then I can get back to work. The hard part is tomorrow, with the red ink.

So anyway, before I get to the query, please go follow Kristen at her blog: Don't Forget the Samovar. Go on.

Back? All right. I'm sure you remember the rules. Today is just for introductions, please save your feedback for tomorrow.

The query:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

I’ve read your profiles and interviews on xxx blogs/web-sites, and I am impressed with your sincerity and your passion for good quality children’s writing. I hope you will consider my middle grade novel, SILVER POOL OF LIGHT, for your list.

Eleven-year-old Eve Tilton, a self-proclaimed “blossoming” celebrity, has been afraid of the ocean since living through a horrible sailing accident at the age of five. When she spends the month of July on Martha’s Vineyard with her step-siblings and great aunt, she hopes for privacy. Lately Eve’s been forced to share so many personal details on celebrity blogs and the ever-growing iGirl website…it’s becoming tedious.

Plus, Eve has a secret friend—she doesn’t want her step-sibs snooping around in Aunt Tibby’s attic when she’s writing to eleven year old Jane Mayhew. Because Jane lives in 1874. Eve doesn’t know how it works—maybe the diary they write in time-travels, or maybe the sea chest the diary is kept in. But if she writes in the diary and places it in the chest, and waits…Jane writes back. From 1874.

It’s pre-occupying, writing back and forth with a girl from more than a hundred years ago. They write about what they have in common: funny aunts, clueless fathers, acquaintances with more interesting lives than their own. But just as Eve is invited to hob-nob with film stars, she discovers that Jane is going to board a doomed whaling ship. Eve enlists Liam, her twelve-year-old, slightly smelly step-brother, to help her keep Jane off the ship. As they plot and plan, she tries to focus on Jane, but it’s so hard to concentrate on tempests, malaria, and whale blubber when you’re invited to a movie star’s private beach…. Eve faces difficult choices, knowing that if Jane boards that ship, she will die in an accident eerily similar to the one Eve survived the day her mother died.

SILVER POOL OF LIGHT is complete at 48,000 words. Last summer I completed the advanced novel workshop at the University of Iowa, and have attended numerous SCBWI writing workshops. I hold a certificate in Children’s Writing from Emerson College and am a member of SCBWI. Please visit my writer’s blog: Don’t Forget the Samovar, at blogspot.com.

Per your submission guidelines I have pasted in the first 5/10 pages below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Kristen Wixted

That's it.

So please tell Kristen hello in the comments, thank her for sharing her query, and then bite your tongue until tomorrow. Thanks!

LuLu Short Story Contest

2011-11-14T06:00:00.001-05:00

I've entered some of my stories in the LuLu Short Story Contest. The pieces I've entered are ones I refer to as flash fiction, because they're so short they don't really contain a plot, and I don't consider that to be a short story, but it doesn't really matter.

You can enter pretty much any piece of fiction, as long as it's less than 600 words long (not counting title or byline), and you can win $500 or a Nook, or some other stuff. It's very easy to enter, all you have to do is convert your story to the epub format, which LuLu let's you do for free.

I've entered three stories, and I would really appreciate if you guys would go download them, and read them. I don't think it makes any difference in the contest whether or how often they're downloaded, but the editions I made are free, and you can read them on any device that can read an epub file. Plus, I hope you'll enjoy them.

You can get them here:

Babysat by the Man in the Moon.

A Deafening Silence.

Lake Argo.

Please give them a read, and let me know what you think! If you prefer to just read them online (I've made some tiny edits since they first went up), you can just check the links on the My Writing page. If you do that please be sure to leave a comment. Thanks!

I also encourage all of you to enter. It's very easy to put your story on LuLu, and who knows, maybe one of us will win. Otherwise, have the best Monday you can. I know, it's hard.

String Bridge Amazon Chart Rush

2011-11-11T06:00:00.001-05:00

Today is THE day to help Jessica Bell's debut, STRING BRIDGE, hit
the bestseller list on Amazon, and receive the all-original soundtrack, Melody Hill: On the Other Side, written and performed by the author herself, for free!

All you have to do is
purchase the book today (paperback, or eBook), November 11th, and
then email the receipt to:

jessica.carmen.bell(at)gmail(dot)com

She will then email you a link to download the album at no extra cost!

To purchase the paperback:

Amazon USA

To purchase the eBook:

Amazon USA

Amazon UK

To listen to samples of the soundtrack, visit iTunes.

If you are
not familiar with String Bridge,
check out the book trailer:

Rave Reviews for String Bridge:

“Jessica Bell’s STRING BRIDGE strummed the fret of my
veins, thrummed my blood into a mad rush, played me taut until the final page, yet with echoes still reverberating. A rhythmic debut with metrical tones of heavied dark, fleeting prisms of light, and finally, a burst of joy—just as with any good song, my hopeful heartbeat kept tempo with Bell’s narrative.” ~ Kathryn Magendie, author of Sweetie and Publishing Editor of Rose & Thorn Journal

“Poet and musician Jessica Bell's debut novel String Bridge is a rich exploration of desire, guilt, and the difficult balancing act of the modern woman. The writing is lyrical throughout, seamlessly integrating setting, character and plot in a musical structure that allows the reader to identify with Melody's growing insecurity as her world begins to unravel … String Bridge is a powerful debut from a promising writer, full of music, metaphor, and just a hint of magic.” ~ Magdalena Ball, author of Repulsion Thrust and Sleep Before Evening

“Jessica Bell is a brilliant writer of great skill and depth. She doesn't pull back from the difficult scenes, from conflict, pain, intensity. She puts it all out there, no holds barred, no holding back. She knows how to craft a scene, how to develop character, how to create suspense. This is an absolutely brilliant debut novel.
I look forward to reading her next novel, and next and next.” ~ Karen Jones Gowen, author of Farm Girl, Uncut Diamonds and House of Diamonds

Connect with Jessica:

String Bridge: http://www.stringbridge.com/

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/jessica_bell

Website: http://www.jessicacbell.com/

Blog: http://thealliterativeallomorph.blogspot.com/

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/author.jessica.bell

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MsBessieBell

Publisher: http://www.luckypress.com

Please TWEET and/or FACEBOOK this post using #StringBridge!

String Bridge (The Album) Review

2011-11-10T06:00:00.006-05:00

Today is my stop on the launch tour for my dear friend Jessica Bell's debut novel. I'm not actually reviewing the novel though, I'm reviewing the album that goes along with it. Before I get to that, can I just say: I think this is such a brilliant idea.

I've never heard of this being done before. I mean sure, I bet there's been a band biography that was accompanied by some tired old greatest hits compilation album, but I've never heard of a novel, a debut no less, being accompanied by an original album, performed almost entirely by the author, and inspired by the main character. I think that's cool as shit.

Anyway, the album is not actually called String Bridge. I just made that the title of the post so it wouldn't get confusing. The album is called Melody Hill: On the Other Side, by Jessica Bell.

Before I start to talk about it, let me tell you where you can get the album:

It can be purchased on iTunes
Or bought from Amazon.com
Or Amazon.co.uk

Now, before I review the album, I just want to point out that Jessica is a good friend of mine. Not only is she a lovely personality, but she's a great writer, who is hilarious, and incredibly supportive. We've exchanged work before, and she is also an excellent, professional editor.

I received this album for free, as promotional material intended for advanced review, but that doesn't mean I'm going to blow smoke at you about it. Jessica understands that I only "review" books I love, and I told her I wouldn't do this post if I didn't care for the album. Thankfully, that's not a problem.

I think this album is the perfect companion for this novel. Jessica's voice is at times haunting, at times joyous, and at times devastatingly sorrowful, which is much like life, and much like String Bridge. Jessica sings just as she writes: with brutal honesty, and a fearless desire to face the intricacies of a life full of passionate suffering, as well as graceful bliss, with truth and courage.

I've never been very good at reviewing books, let alone albums, but I did used to own a small independent record label, and from that experience I can tell you that the production on this album is top notch. You might have thought an author recording an album to "promote their book" (not that Jessica did that, she's a natural) would be some kind of hack job with a singer howling into a cheap drum mic, with weak guitar and no other kind of backing tracks, but you'd be wrong. Jessica plays acoustic/rhythm guitar for the entire album, as well as bass guitar for On the Other Side. Lead guitar is performed by George Priniotakis, who also arranged, produced, and mastered every track at Artracks Recording Studios, in Athens, Greece. The sound engineer was Alex Bolpasis, who is a cat who obviously knows something about microphones, and their placement. The vocals, the acoustic guitar, and even the drums, which could theoretically be digital, sound crisp and clear, and yet do not lose the analog warmth that comes from properly micing those kind of instruments.

Jessica truly has the voice of a siren, and this album would be a joy if that's all it was, but it's very nice to see highly professional production to go along with it. I think my favorite song is the fifth track, Famous. Yes, it does have an ill breakbeat that kicks in at the end, and I'm a sucker for beats, whether they be live drums, or from an 808, a 909, or even a 303, but that's not why I love this song. I love Famous, because it speaks to the fundamental questions we all ask ourselves about our lives, regardless of what we do for a living, or who makes up our families. I've been given permission by Jess to reprint the lyrics here, but you've got to get the album to truly have a feeling for the meaning of this track.

Famous

so you want to live the life of a star

and you want to be at peace with mankind

really want to be a mother and father

so you want to know the meaning of life

want to be the ripple and wave

really want to know yourself completely

so you want to start your own revolution

and you want to teach your daughter it all

and you really want to fight this depression

do you really want to hold emotions to ransom

do you want to be cruel to be kind

do you really want to lose precious intentions

so you really want everyone to hear you

and you want everyone to see

but do you really want to be this famous?

I could go on about the album, but this post is long enough, and you really ought to just hear it for yourself. Plus, I think I would be remiss without saying something about the book.

You might be surprised to find that a guy who loves stories about sword fights, magic, dragons, and rogues would get into a novel like this, but every once in a while, you want to read a story not for what it's about, but for the way it's told.

Jessica tells us Melody's story with such style and poetry that the prose grabs you equally by the balls and heart, and does not let up as it throttles you, caresses you, and throttles you again. Jessica has a gift for language that is as impressive as it is inspiring.

Let me show you the places where you can find Jessica, and her debut novel from Lucky Press: String Bridge:

Jessica's blog.
Jessica's website.
Jessica on Facebook.
Jessica on Twitter.
The String Bridge website.
String Bridge on Goodreads.
String Bridge Trailer.
String Bridge Merchandise.

And you can purchase String Bridge as an ebook, at:

Amazon US.
Amazon UK.

Or as a paperback, at:

Amazon US.
Amazon UK.
Barnes & Noble.

For a better, full on review of the book, from a much less hairy, sweaty, manly point of view, please visit the lovely and most slippery of bloggers: Karen Amanda Hooper, at Eternal Moonshine of a Daydreaming Mind.

Announcement, and One Last WFC List.

2011-11-07T07:00:00.000-05:00

Good morning, friends (Monday, you can suck it). How is everyone?

So I'm still thinking about all the changes I want to make to my blogging habits, but I do have a new schedule tentatively worked out, for now.

You'll see a new page up there, across the top. Blog Schedule, I think I called it. I published it last week, so I can't remember exactly what it says, but I'll paraphrase it for you, and hopefully I'll be close. Basically I'm going to use Mondays and Fridays as my main blogging days for now. Mondays will be about whatever and Fridays will usually be a query critique, unless I don't have one scheduled. These will also be the days I read your blogs.

I will sometimes post on Wednesday or Thursday (Thursday for query critique intros, Wednesday for other random stuff) but I won't be reading blogs those days. I wish I could, and maybe I'll get back to it more, when I finish these revisions, but right now I have to finish this book. I have an agent waiting on the full, but I told her I want to cut it to a reasonable length first.

So anyway, like I said, nothing is set in stone right now, but that's how it's going to work for the next little while.

Now I want to introduce you to the writers I met at WFC who I haven't had a chance to mention yet.

Rob Ziegler is a friend of several of my friends, and it's funny, because we hung out a few times before I realized that he had a huge book release going on for the con. His novel Seed was the featured release at the Night Shade Books party on Friday night. It was a pretty big deal. I'm reading it now, and it's incredible (blurbed by Paolo Bacigalupi, hello). The only thing that sucks is I never saw Rob after Friday night, so I didn't get my copy signed. you can find Rob at his website, or on Twitter.

Another friend of all my friends (and another Night Shade Books author) Bradley P. Beaulieu is the author of the epic fantasy series: The Lays of Anuskaya. The first book is called The Winds of Khalakovo. I got to hear him read from the second volume, The Straits of Galalesh, and it was very good. If you visit his website, you'll see that his novels have some incredible covers. You can also find Brad on Twitter.

I just happened to end up at Frederic S. Durbin's reading, because some friends were going. I'm glad I did, because the short story he shared with us was very entertaining. Frederic's first novel, Dragonfly, was released by Arkham House in 1999, but he has a new MG novel, The Star Shard, that will be out in February, next year. You can per-order it an Amazon. You can also find Frederic on his website, or his blog.

So that's it. I've got something special coming up later this week, but until then, have a good one!

Sheri Larsen's Current Query Critiqued

2011-11-04T08:00:00.000-04:00

All right. Let's do work.

Today is Sheri's query again. I love saying that. Anyway, this time I'm critiquing it, and my thoughts will be in red.

Let's get right to it:

High school is a mishmash of viable energy, I don't understand what this means. Viable energy? Why is it viable? For what purpose and for whom? and if sixteen-year-old ANA TATE I love the spelling of Ana, but you don't have to capitalize character names in a query letter. senses the wrong kind she could lose her mind.

Okay, so I have to say that on the one hand (assuming you mean what I think you mean here) I really love this opening hook and premise. The problem is: I can't be sure that it means what I think it means. After reading on I see that you explain it better in a moment, but you can't leave your opening hook (which is the most important part) vague and ambiguous like this.

Being tomboyish and emotionally I would cut emotionally. I'm not sure it's needed, because being jaded is pretty much always a combo of thoughts and emotions. jaded, that being said, I LOVE the characterization "jaded" gives us. with a secret I think you can cut secret too, it becomes obvious when you describe the power. ability to sense the energy and emotions of others, makes Ana not the best at blending in. Do you see why I added "being" to the front? After a recent encounter with a sinister energy is the energy sentient, or just sinister because of the person it came from? that caused her to panic and pull the fire alarm, damaging the school’s gym floor, she’s shipped off to attend a class for troubled teens at a new prep school. Troubled teens? Reform/prep school? Yes, please. Here, she meets Victor—I would suggest not using em-dashes in query letters. If you can make it work, you're better with HTML than I am. the gorgeous yet irritating campus recluse, you're really good at these one or two word characterization phrases. who stirs her ability like she’s never felt before. Unbeknownst to her, she rouses a curse that hungers for her sanity. Sentient energy, hungry curses. I basically love the rules of the world you're building for us here, but I think you need to explain it better. How does this stuff work? Why would it hunger for her, sanity. Her powers?

Viktor is a Lycan poisoned by psychic Vampire blood. Holy amazeballs. This is getting good. Also: more specific. He’s cursed to feed his sire the sanity of mortals, until one can resist him. And now, his sire wants Ana's sanity. So it's not the curse, but a character. Or is the character the curse? But, Viktor has his own inner demons he's battling and doesn't want to harm her. That doesn't sound like a demon to me. Not even an inner one. That sounds like compassion (or attraction). When he double-crosses his sire, causing more trouble than good, I would cut this, because if Ana ends up surviving all of this, that's actually more good than trouble, in the long run. Ana must accept her abilities and challenge the curse to free Viktor and herself. Only, her quest unearths a family secret and deeper connection to Viktor she didn’t see coming. One that calls for a high payment, found hidden…in the last beat of her heart.

Hmm. So this last "meat of the story" paragraph is really good. High stakes, specific conflict, tough choices. Some minor tweaks could be made, but basically if you made the whole query more like this paragraph, you'd be in great shape.

MARKED BEAUTY, a paranormal romance for young adults complete at 85,000 words, travels beyond the paranormal elements and into the inner struggle of a feisty female lead I might change this to "protagonist." A lead is an actor in a film or play. Not a huge deal though. who finds herself in the midst of a world she never knew she was a part of.

Other than potentially changing that one word, this is a good summary.

I am a published freelance and short story writer. My work can be found in local Maine newspapers--the Town Line Publication, The Two Cent Times, Highlands, and Capital Weekly--and also in Pill Hill Press. I am a member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators, and a moderator for YAlitchat.org—I would cut all these dashes. First of all, you're using double hyphens in some places, and em-dashes in others. Keep it consistent, or even better, cut them all. Commas would work fine here (or a colon for this last one). an online writing community.

Other than the punctuation, great bio.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Okay. So to summarize, I think this query is in decent shape already. It's obvious you've got a unique premise, one that is full of interesting creatures, characters, and powers.

Your query gets better and better as it goes on. Your one big problem is that your hook does not make sense right off the bat, and I think if you could fix that, you'd be off to an excellent start.

I'll give it a try:

Ana Tate is a sixteen-year-old jaded tomboy, but her problems run much deeper than normal high school drama. She can sense the energy and intent of those around her, and if she senses the wrong kind she could lose her mind.

I know, pretty lame, but I think you get the idea. Be more specific, give more information, and don't worry if your "one sentence hook" has to actually be two.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Surely one of you can give a better example of a good opening line for this query, right?

Sheri Larsen's Current Query

2011-11-03T06:30:00.001-04:00

Okay. After all the boo-hoo self pity talk from yesterday (all me) it feels good to get back to work. Or, well, to start to get back to work. The real work comes tomorrow when I'll critique Sheri's query (yes I made that rhyme on purpose, I'm cool like that).

For now, if you don't know SALarsen, you need to go visit her blog, Writer's Ally, and become a follower. Do it. Now. We'll wait.

Anyway, today is just for introducing Sheri, and her query letter. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, so I can have a chance for all my thoughts to look original.

The query:

High school is a mishmash of viable energy, and if sixteen-year-old ANA TATE senses the wrong kind she could lose her mind.

Tomboyish and emotionally jaded, with a secret ability to sense the energy and emotions of others, makes Ana not the best at blending in. After a recent encounter with a sinister energy that caused her to panic and pull the fire alarm, damaging the school’s gym floor, she’s shipped off to attend a class for troubled teens at a new prep school. Here, she meets Victor—the gorgeous yet irritating campus recluse, who stirs her ability like she’s never felt before. Unbeknownst to her, she rouses a curse that hungers for her sanity.

Viktor is a Lycan poisoned by psychic Vampire blood. He’s cursed to feed his sire the sanity of mortals, until one can resist him. And now, his sire wants Ana's sanity. But, Viktor has his own inner demons he's battling and doesn't want to harm her. When he double-crosses his sire, causing more trouble than good, Ana must accept her abilities and challenge the curse to free Viktor and herself. Only, her quest unearths a family secret and deeper connection to Viktor she didn’t see coming. One that calls for a high payment, found hidden…in the last beat of her heart.

MARKED BEAUTY, a paranormal romance for young adults complete at 85,000 words, travels beyond the paranormal elements and into the inner struggle of a feisty female lead who finds herself in the midst of a world she never knew she was a part of.

I am a published freelance and short story writer. My work can be found in local Maine newspapers--the Town Line Publication, The Two Cent Times, Highlands, and Capital Weekly--and also in Pill Hill Press. I am a member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators, and a moderator for YAlitchat.org—an online writing community.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

That's it.

Please visit and follow Sheri's blog, say hi to her in the comments, thank her for having the courage to share her query with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

Lessons from WFC

2011-11-02T08:00:00.000-04:00

Before I get to the bad news, I want to highlight some other writers I met at the Con, who I didn't get photos with, or who don't blog.

I saw William Alexander on a Kidlit panel that I missed the first half of, because I was at a reading. I thought he was brilliant, but didn't have the balls to introduce myself until the last day. What? I'm shy. Anyway, you can find Will's book at the Goblin Secrets website, or you can check his writer website, or you can follow him on Twitter. I haven't read his book yet or anything, so I can't tell you it was amazing, but the guy had some great philosophies about reading, storytelling, and salamanders.

Sandra Wickham is actually a friend of Simon's, but I somehow didn't end up with any photos of her (which is a shame, because she's a beautiful lady). More importantly, she's a writer, and an editor for inkpunks.com. I got to talk to her about my book, and hear about some of the short stories she's had published. She was very nice. You can visit Sandra's website, find her on Twitter, or just click through to the inkpunks' site, above. And yes, that photo on Twitter is oh her on the Iron Throne, does it get any cooler?

Okay, so admittedly I did have a photo or two of Jane Kindred, but I want to mention her again because not only was she very cool, and a friend of several of my friends, but she was on a panel with Charlaine Harris, Nancy Kilpatrick, Kate Elliot, and Malindo Lo, which is a table full of literary rock stars, and Jane absolutely killed it. You cane find Jane on her website, on Facebook, or on Twitter.

All right. That's all the highlights I have time for. I'll try to share some more next week.

Now I have to get to the bad news.

This biggest lesson I took from WFC is that I spend too much time blogging, and don't take my writing seriously enough. Maybe seriously isn't the best word. I do care a lot about my writing, and when I spend time on it I take it very seriously, but the problem is I don't spend enough time on it.

I spend a lot of time every day writing blog posts, and reading and commenting on other blogs. A LOT of time. I love it. I love connecting with other writers. I love helping people with their queries. I love getting comments on topics I care about.

But what I realized at WFC is that it's writing books that really matters. Actually, not so much writing books, but finishing books. Nearly every person I met there was published. Published, or at least involved in publishing in some professional capacity.

I may be a prolific blogger, and I'm not saying blogging hasn't made a huge difference in my life and in my writing career, but it's also taken up a lot of my time that could have been spent writing and revising.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I'm pretty sure I won't give up on blogging, and I'm not going to stop helping people with their queries, but it's become clear to me that my writing has suffered for the sake of my blogging, and I just can't allow that to continue.

Maybe I'll reduce the days of the week I post. Maybe I'll post every day, but not read and comment on other blogs. Maybe I'll just take a hiatus. I don't know. I have to let myself process it all a bit more, but there is one thing I know: I need to finish this book.

What I Learned at WFC 2011

2011-11-01T07:30:00.002-04:00

A Conference is not a Convention.

A convention like ComicCon or DragonCon can be a lot of fun, because it's mostly a casual gathering of fans, all dressed up, with a few serious panels here and there (this isn't completely true, but I'm trying to illustrate a point here). A conference like WFC (which is technically called a convention, if you look at the website, but I'm changing it, because, again, my point) is a much more serious affair. Almost no one dresses in costume, and everyone is carrying business cards and other promotional materials. Writer, Editor, Agent, every single publishing professional there is well prepared to promote themselves and their work.

I don't have a book to sell yet, so I didn't get any business cards made up or anything. Note to self: next time, come prepared.

Macallan 10-year-old Cask Strength Scotch is probably the most well crafted and high quality spirit I will ever imbibe.

Maybe it was the company, but when Andrew Smith shared some of this very special Scotch with me and my friends, Simon Larter, Jessica Corra, Sara McClung, and Carolina Miller, it made for the best conversations, and my favorite moments of the Con.

Neil Gaiman is brilliant.

Yes I met him, briefly. He was eating breakfast with his friends at the table next to Simon and me on the last day, and we took a moment to shake his hand and tell him we loved his work, but I also got to see him speak a few times and have a conversation with Connie Willis (I wasn't stalking, it was a kind of panel), and the man is the perfect character to play a rock star writer. Funny, brilliant, kind and honest, he rocked the Con.

The San Diego Town and Country Resort.

Is not actually another dimension based on 1972 Miami washed of any color saturation by too much alcohol and sleep deprivation, but it sure as hell seemed like it.

All right. So I could go on about things I learned, but this post is getting too long, and I need to just get to the pictures. Here we go:

If it wasn't for the fact that we only have half of Ricki Shultz's lovely smile, this would be the best photo I have. We had a waitress at the bar take this, and she cut Ricki off (not from booze, from the photo). As far as everyone else, in case you don't know these people, from left to right this is: Kiersten White, Sara McClung, LK Gardner-Griffie, Shannon Messenger, Andrew Smith, Carolina Valdez Miller, me, Derek Molata, Ricki Schultz, and then Simon Larter is squatting in front of us so you can't tell how short he is.

You should recognize Simon and myself (in spite of my ridiculous facial expression) by now, so I'll only link you to Jessica Corra, even though I already did once, above. This was at lunch at Taste of Thai on Saturday.

This is everyone at lunch, the same day. The only person in here I have not linked to yet is Jane Kindred.

This was outside the British Wine and Cheese party on Saturday. It was not as glamorous as it sounds.This is Ricki Schultz, Amber Van Dyk, Alexia Chamberlynn, me, and Holly McDowell.

This is the ladies at the Taste of Thai. You already know who they are, even if you didn't know they could get this happy. It was because of Jess, Simon and me.

Last photo I'm putting up, because I just didn't take that many good ones. In case you can't tell, that's Simon, Ricki, Derek, and me. Simon and I are inebriated. Three sheets to the wind. Drunk as lords. I could go on.

Anyway, that's it for today. I'll try to share a few nuggets of wisdom with you tomorrow as well.

The QQQE Creature Compendium Volume V: Dragonkind

2011-10-28T06:00:00.034-04:00

I'm not actually here. I mean I am somewhere, but I'm not here, at my desk at work, desperately refreshing my inbox hoping for your comments to pop up.

I'm kidding. I don't do that. Well, at least not all the time.

I'm in San Diego, at the World Fantasy Convention, with my CP Simon C. Larter, and awesome blogger friends like Carolina Miller, Sara McClung, and Stephanie Loree.

We're probably wasted right now. Or at least I am. Anyway, enough about me and the convention, this is the final Creature Compendium post I have for you guys, so I figured I'd make it a good one.

Dragons are the all time most awesome monster ever dreamed up, and even if you don't like to think of them as monsters (I get it, I do) it's still fun to discuss the different types, and even some other creatures that are similar to Dragons.

Red Dragon: The largest, most fearsome, and angriest of all Dragons, the Red Dragon is a terrible beast to behold. It is also probably the most famous of any type of Dragon, epitomized by Wyrms the likes of Smaug, Ember, and Thorn. Red Dragons have massive heads, gaping maws, and the most enormous wingspan of any creature that ever graced the skies. Their breath weapon is pure flame, and their lairs reek of smoke and sulfur.

Blue Dragon: Blue Dragons are the second most powerful chromatic Dragons. They are more agile in flight than any other Dragon, and they combine this skill with their lightning breath attack to dominate in aerial battles. They tend to dig their lairs into cliff-sides bordering on deserts or badlands, and their caves smell of sand, or ozone. They prefer to feed on beasts of burden like camels, oxen, or horses, but they will eat humans, and even desert plants if the need arises. They are infamous for using their powers of hallucination to trick travelers into drinking sand or losing themselves in the endless wastes of their homelands.

Green Dragon: The Green Dragon is the most cunning, and unpredictable kind of Dragon. They live in forested hills and cliffs, and are especially fond of hording magical weapons, armor, and jeweled crowns. They are long and slim, and can fly like all Dragons, but prefer to trick their prey into entering their lair for combat. Their breath is a cloud of poisonous Chlorine gas, a most dangerous weapon because it can seep around corners, and in through cracks in armor.

Black Dragon: Black Dragons are generally smaller than their more colorful counterparts, and make their homes in bogs and swamps, preferably among the broken stones of ancient ruins. They are the cruelest of all Dragons and enjoy taunting and torturing their prey. They like to attack from underwater, taking any travelers unfortunate enough to be nearby unawares. Their breath weapon is a cone of acid that can eat through even the sturdiest plate mail. The most famous Black Wyrm of all time was most likely Ancalagon The Black, from the First Age of Middle Earth.

White Dragon: The smallest and weakest of the colored Dragons, White Dragons make their homes in arctic mountain ranges, in caves with walls of ice. They are less intelligent, and more feral than their cousins. Their breath attack is a line of frost or shards of ice, and they will not eat any prey unless it is already frozen.

Metallic Dragon: In Dungeons & Dragons, and in worlds like Krynn, from Dragonlance, colorful Dragons are considered evil. Monsters who will almost always attack on sight. Their counterparts, good Dragons, who will aid good men in their quests for peace and justice, are said to be Dragons with metallic colored scales. They can be silver, gold, bronze, brass, copper, or even platinum. They are highly intelligent, adept in magic, and can speak in many tongues. Their breath weapons vary by their color, but they are known for being able to spit more than one type of magical exhalation from their mouths.

NOTE: Dungeons & Dragons and many related fictional worlds have always considered colored Dragons evil, and metallic Dragons good. That doesn't mean we must do the same in our own fiction. I see no reason why a blue or red Dragon could not be just as wise and benevolent as any other, it simply depends on the rules of the world you build around your story.

Asian Dragon: Asian Dragons are long, serpentine wingless creatures, and yet they can fly nonetheless. Unlike European legends, Asian folklore considers the Dragon to be an auspicious symbol, and a creature of great wisdom. Asian Dragons can be green, or red, or even yellow, and are often pictured with majestic beards, mustaches, and whiskers. Whether or not they breathe fire varies from culture to culture, but the Dragon is celebrated throughout Asia as a beast of great good, fortune and luck.

Wyvern: A Wyvern is a vaguely Dragon-esque, reptilian winged creature that unlike a Dragon has only two hind legs. They can fly, but are much smaller than Dragons, and do not have the ability to breathe fire, or any other breath attack. They have jointed, barbed, and poisonous tails, very similar to what is found on a scorpion. They are notorious for being vicious, as well as unintelligent.

Basilisk: Not really technically a Dragon, the Basilisk is a gargantuan reptilian creature of legend that is worthy of mention in any discussion breaking down Dragons. Basilisks do not have wings, but can vary from being giant legless snake-like wyrms to enormous, eight-legged lizard like creatures. The one feature that has never been disputed is their ability to kill with but a glance of their deadly gaze. In folklore the nature of this death is not always specified, but in D&D a Basilisk's stare will turn you to stone. Basilisks were feared and famous long before Harry Potter, but the Chamber of Secrets is certainly a great portrayal of their deadly power.

Hydra: The original Hydra, the Lernaean Hydra from Greek Mythology, was a sea serpent like creature from the mortal plane, with reptilian traits, and many heads. In Dungeons & Dragons a Hydra is typically said to simply be a Dragon with many heads. They are most often depicted with five heads (sometimes of varying color, like Takhisis, a goddess in the world of Dragonlance) but the important thing is that however many heads they start with, if one is severed, two will quickly grow back in its place.

If you read the newest Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manuals you will find more types of dragons than you could ever keep track of. Every thing from Chromatic Dragons (the colors listed above), to metallic, gem, ferrous, Lung, Planar, and even Undead Dragons. Dragons are probably the coolest creature ever invented in the memory of human legend, and considering that DRAGONS ARE REAL, I suppose this exhaustive list is necessary, but we just don't have time for it here.

That's it for the Creature Compendium! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

NOTE: My bookshelf, along with photographic evidence of how awesome it is, is being featured at Amy's blog today. You can see it here.

The QQQE Creature Compendium Volume IV: Giantkind

2011-10-27T06:00:00.011-04:00

Word up. Time for another monster post (as in: about monsters, not a long-ass diatribe).

The introduction to this series is: here.

If you're too ~~lazy~~ busy to check that post, I'll sum up. All week long I've been introducing you, dear readers, to monsters that you can incorporate into your fiction. I have discovered these creatures through painstakingly sleepless nights filled with research and ... okay. That's a lie. I already knew about 90% of these beasts.

Actually, today's post I knew 100% of the creatures. I only looked some up for some of the other posts.

Hill Giant: A Giant is a Giant is a Giant, I know, but Dungeons & Dragons always separated them, and I figure what not share some of those details? A Hill Giant, while certainly larger than a Troll or Ogre, it the smallest and weakest of all Giants. They are not particularly intelligent or organized, and except for somewhat rougher features, they almost exactly resemble barbaric men, albeit very large ones. Think Grawp.

Stone Giant: The Stone Giant is the Hill Giant's slightly larger and more shy cousin. Very similar to a Hill Giant, they tend to live higher up the mountain slopes, wield slightly more advanced tools, and organize their societies beyond the brutish eking out of survival that the Hill Giant partakes in.

Frost Giant: Probably obvious, Frost Giants live either on the peaks of the highest mountains, or in arctic regions. They are known for their organized societies, which rely heavily on devout religion. They wield large ice-axes, or hurl boulders at their foes.

Fire Giant: Much like Frost Giants, Fire Giants are known for being more intelligent than their Hill and Mountain dwelling cousins. They live around active volcanoes, or in caves so deep they delve into depths beneath the earth's crust.

Cloud Giant: Cloud Giant's are the most cultured of all the Giant clans. As their name suggests, they are said to live on clouds, and are next to godliness. Their skin ranges in color from milky white to sky blue. Their hair is silver, and their eyes are iridescent blue. They dress in fine clothing and wear jewelry. They also appreciate music, and most can play one or more instruments, which is all kind of silly, for a, you know ... monster, if you ask me.

Storm Giant: The Storm Giant is the largest and most powerful of all Giants. They are said to raise thrones only on the tops of peaks that are so high that men have never reached their summits. They are solitary, primal creatures, and except for the divine intervention that Cloud Giant Clerics can sometimes call upon, they are the only Giants able to wield a kind of primitive, wild magic. They can control the weather, and throw lighting bolts at will. Storm Giants are said to reach over seven meters of height, and weigh as much as five tons or more. I can't remember if the scene is Bilbo and the Dwarves crossing the Misty Mountains, or The Fellowship attempting the pass at Caradhras, but when you think of Storm Giants think of Tolkien mentioning fell voices on the wind.

Troll: Some people ~~complained~~ pointed out that both Trolls and Ogres could have been grouped in with the other Humanoid Monsters, and while this is true, I prefer them here, and it's my blog. Seriously though? The smallest Ogre will always be larger than the largest human, and while there are some fictional worlds in which Trolls are considered small hairy (or even leafy) creatures, my memory will always recall them as extremely large humanoids, who differ from Giants because they are never as tall, and have hard, grey hides. Etymologically the world Troll was a slur for a Jotun, a Giant of Norse mythology, but they evolved through the ages, into creatures that lived in caves and hollows (or under bridges), shunned daylight, and were more dim of wit than even Giants. Trolls are particularly difficult to kill, because they are deceptively agile, taller and stronger than they first appear, and have constitutions that rapidly regenerate health.

Ogre: If you look back in the history of the two creatures, you'll find that the origins of the Troll and the Ogre are closely related. Trolls come from Scandinavian Legends, while the etymology of the word Ogre is French, but barring that, much of their history, and the perception of the two giant humanoid beasts is similar.Ogres are sometimes portrayed with horns that curl backward and inward from their forehead, but other than that they are usually considered more closely physically related to humans than Trolls are. They are large, and strong, and thick of hide, but they are less inhuman than Trolls, according to most opinions.

Oni: If a an uneducated and uninformed Westerner (like me) was to oversimplify this monster for his readers, he might say that an Oni is simply a Japanese title for a Demonic-Ogre. That wouldn't be completely false, but it would be too simple to explain this complex creature. They are physically unique, being hideous, gigantic creatures with sharp claws, wild hair, and two long horns growing from their heads. In Japanese mythology they lie somewhere between beast and spirit, but that doesn't necessarily make them more demon than monster, because in Japan, land of Shinto and Kami, everything is a spirit. They are almost exclusively depicted wearing tiger-skin loincloths, and wielding an iron club. Hence the phrase: oni-ni-kanabō or: an Oni with an iron club, which is a Japanese idiom meaning invincible.

Cyclops: The Cyclops is Greek in origin, but his stature casts a deep and varied shadow across the tomes of history. I don't know if he invented it, but the term Cyclopean defines the mythos of a majority of H.P. Lovecraft's stories, and Lovecraft is probably the last century's greatest arcane master of the monstrous and macabre. Of course there are countless famous Cyclopses, Cyclopsae, Cyclopes(?) in Greek and Roman mythology, but in Dungeons & Dragons, and probably some fiction, they're just monsters. Basically Giants with one eye (and sometimes one horn).

Minotaur: Minotaurs are also Greek. Remember the legend of Theseus and the Cretan Labyrinth? They are said to be large, musclebound men with the head of a bull. I suppose that doesn't really make them Giants, but they didn't fit with the humanoids either. They also vary depending on the source and fantastic setting. In Dungeons & Dragons they were man-eaters. In Krynn (Dragonlance) they existed within a highly organized society, and were mostly sailors and sea-captains. In Dante's Inferno, Dante and Virgil encounter the beast among those damned for their violent natures, the "men of blood."

I'm sure there are countless other examples of large dudes in Fantasy that I have skipped, but these posts go on long enough already, don't you think? I'll be in San Diego tomorrow morning, partying like a rock star, but I promise to put the last, and I daresay best, post up anyway.

The QQQE Creature Compendium Volume III: Demonkind

2011-10-26T06:00:00.003-04:00

All right. Let's keep this thing moving.

I assume that you're familiar with this series by now. If not, you should probably read my blog every day. Hello? Or you can find the first post in the series, here.

Anyway, today's post will be covering Demons. Another name for this category might be Jinn (as in Djinn). There are many different cultures that describe demons in many different ways, but the common theme with the creatures I'll include in this post is that they are said to be able to be summoned (and then commanded) by Wizards of varying prowess.

It can also be argued that certain more powerful spirits can elect to appear, and cause havoc, all on their own. All of this depends on the rules of magic and spirituality in the world you're creating in your stories. I'm just here to share generic examples I've already come across.

Ifrit/Efreet/Afrit: Originating in Arabic and Islamic culture, Ifrit are spirits of air or fire. They are considered a class of infernal Jinn, below the strength of Angels, but above that of more common Djinn. In role-playing games they are generally considered to manifest them selves as spirits of fire, as in the image above, and are considered too powerful to be summoned by all but the most learned Magi.

Djinn/Genie: Also originating from Arabic and Islamic culture, Djinn is a term sometimes considered interchangeable with Jinn, but for our purposes we will consider a Djinn a spirit of the air who manifests itself as a wisecracking blue man, with a vaporous tail and too much gaudy jewelry. Seriously though, Djinn are much like Ifrit, but are generally considered to be more related to the elemental plane of air, rather than fire, and are usually considered less powerful than Ifrit.

Imp: An Imp is generally considered to be the lowest form of Demonkind. Sometimes considered little more than evil fairies, they are actually simply lesser spirits, who can be summoned by almost any wizard, for menial tasks such as manual labor, food-service, guard duty and other insulting work. They generally appear as small, twisted things, possibly resembling the least scary gargoyles you may have ever seen.

Foliot: I'm including this one because of the seminal work on the topic of Demons: The Bartimaeus Trilogy, by Jonathan Stroud. A Foliot is apparently barely mentioned in Italian Folklore, but Stroud paints them (rather skillfully, I might add) as a Jinn of a caste above Imps, and yet painfully lacking the grace, intellect, and power of the higher ranking Djinn, Ifrit, and Marid.

Marid: The Marid are the highest level Jinn spirit in Arabic Folklore (and the Barty books). They are considered to have massive power, rivaling deities, and are associated with seas and the open ocean. They were first mentioned in pre-Islamic Arabian mythology, as well as in the One Thousand and One Nights collection of folktales. They are considered to be spirits of the elemental plane of water, and can manifest themselves as anything from a cloud, to a storm, to a sea creature like a Kraken.

Dao: A Djinn from the elemental plane of earth, they often run mining operations on the material plane.

Janni: The weakest Djinn besides Imps and Foliots, Janni are formed of all four elements, and therefore trapped on the material plane.

Demon: Easily interchangeable with any of the examples, as they are all considered Demonkind, the Demon itself can also take on many other roles. Nearly endless in the variations of its manifestations, creatures ranging from The Balrog of Morgoth, to Abbadon from City of Bones, to Betelgeuse, to even Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are all considered Demons. Often appearing as horned, muscle bound red-skinned men, demons of significant power can actually assume any form they choose.

There are countless other examples of specific demons, both in fiction and in religion and mythology. The topic is actually a deep and fascinating one, if you're interested in researching it.

Don't forget to come back tomorrow!

The QQQE Creature Compendium Volume II: Humanoids

2011-10-25T06:00:00.006-04:00

Hopefully you saw the introduction to this series of posts yesterday. If not you can read it here (or just scroll down, duh).

Anyway, the idea is to summarize some of the most common types of monsters that I've come across in my love of literature, film, video games, and the pillar of every nerdfighter's merit badge vest: role-playing games (specifically Dungeons & Dragons).

Today's category of monstrous creatures is Humanoids.

I'm not going to cover fantastic races likes Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, halflings, Kender, Gnomes, Fae, or Pixies (except for one exception you'll see below) because they are generally considered "good guys," player-characters, or fill the roles of protagonists, friends, and sidekicks.

This series is about the bad guys. These guys:

Orc: One of J.R.R. Tolkien's greatest inventions, the Orc may be the singular greatest manifestation of evil in all of fantasy. They may not be the most intelligent, powerful, or legendary creatures, but considering the origin of their creation (Tolkien describes the birth of the Orcs as Elves twisted to evil by Morgoth, the deity of all that is evil in Middle Earth). Orcs have obviously evolved since Tolkien's earliest dreams, but remain very similar in their basics. Appearing like men or elves twisted by dark arts, and possibly crossed with swine, they are grey or green of skin, with fangs or tusks protruding from their mouths, brutally strong, and sour of disposition. Some people play Orcs or Half-Orcs as characters in RPGs, but we all know that's just wrong. Right?

Goblin: Contrary to J.K. Rowling's opinion (esteemed and wonderful as it is) Goblin's are not bankers. They are twisted, evil little creatures, sometimes considered to be weaker and lesser Orcs (as in Middle Earth), or somehow related to gnomes or brownies, and their physical characteristics are highly varied, depending on who you listen to. My own opinion is that if an Orc is an Elf twisted by evil magic, then a Goblin might be a Hobbit, twisted by the same malevolent forces.

Hobgoblin: I didn't know this until I just looked it up, but apparently the first Hobgoblin was Puck, from a Midsummer Night's Dream. I've always considered Puck to simply be some kind of mischievous little Fae, so that's news to me. My understanding of a Hobgoblin has always been that they resided somewhere on the spectrum between Orc and Goblin. Larger than their smaller cousins, but not as powerful as their larger ones. To continue the analogy: if Orcs are evil Elves, and Goblins are evil Hobbits (or Dwarves), then perhaps Hobgoblins are evil Men.

Kobold: According to Wikipedia, a Kobold is a sprite of Germanic origin, but as far as I'm concerned, that's got nothing to do with anything. In fantasy and role-playing, a Kobold is a small humanoid monster, smaller even than a Goblin, that depending on what source you want to listen to, are either hairy and fanged like some kind of cross between rats, dogs, and little men, or scaled, fanged, and thick-tailed like a lizard-man. Feel free to get creative with your own interpretation.

Gnoll: In Middle English the word Noll meant a very stupid or drunk person. Like the Kobold, that has little to do with anything. According to Wikipedia, a Gnoll is a cross between a Troll and a Gnome, but we all know those two races would never breed (mission impossible anyone?), so I prefer to just consider the original D&D description, which considers Gnolls to be humanoid monsters who are taller than humans, covered with brown fur except on their hands and faces, and vaguely resemble upright hyenas.

Drow (Dark Elf): A Drow is an an Elf that lives underground, is dark or purple-skinned, and often considered to be evil, or at least chaotic, by comparison to their above ground counterparts. In fantasy and role-playing they have often played the part of evil monsters, which is why they're featured here, but they have also taken the role of hero (or anti-hero, like the Forgotten Realms character: Drizzt).

Several minor creatures such as Gremlins, Swanmay, Ratlings, Kuo-Toa and Sahuagin will not be listed here, in the interest of time. Hopefully some of the creatures covered will still be new to some readers.

Did I miss any monsters you would have included?

The QQQE Creature Compendium Volume I: The Undead

2011-10-24T07:00:00.001-04:00

Being the first part in a new series, this post might require an introduction.

Assuming the truth of that statement, I'll explain what I intend to do. I know a lot of us write Fantasy, Sci-Fi, or Paranormal books. Even if we don't, there are genres like Horror, and others, that still require a well full of monsters to be called upon.

What I'd like to do today, and all week, for that matter, is make a list of every monster I've ever come across in all my readings of fiction, history, legend, mythology, and role-playing-game manuals. Are you with me?

I'll start with the undead, because they're just so fascinating. They've also been featured a lot in literature, film, and TV lately, but I bet you haven't heard of some of these:

Lich: By most basic definition, a Lich is much like any any other corporeal animated corpse. What sets the Lich apart is that the person who supplied the body before it died was a king, great warrior, or wizard of unheard of power. Basically a Lich might have been but a Zombie, if he hadn't been so high-born in life. The key here is that the consciousness, wisdom, and awareness that were earned in life, are remembered after death, for whatever reason. So watch out, because undead as he may be, a Lich may have powerful spells, or a magic sword.

Skeleton: Skeletons are generally considered to be death personified. The Skeleton is the most wasted manifestation of the human form. They are obviously, by definition, little more than bone and connective tissue. But in Fantasy and role-playing games, the Skeleton can play a much larger role. Creatures of pure bone are rarely a threat in most stories of might and magic, but they can occasionally come into play if a powerful necromancer is in the vicinity, and has the ability to raise the dead, even from within the depths of the earth.

Vampire: The Vampire, or Vampyr, is probably the most famous undead creature in any legend. It might seem that Stephanie Meyer's Twilight, and even Anne Rice's Interview With a Vampire (and subsequent books) gave the Vampyl it's modern fame, but if you truly research this history of the legend, you will see that Vlad the Impaler and Bram Stoker were only the beginning. There are literally hundreds of variations on the Vampire, and they have been portrayed as everything from wild beasts to refined intellectuals, but the bottom line is that they have to at least prey on live victims for their blood, and they do not die of age or disease.

Zombie: If you thought the concept of a Vampire was widespread, wait until you read about Zombies. Originally, and in cultures that consider the Zombie a real entity, a Zombie was a corpse that was reanimated by witchcraft, or like in The Serpent and the Rainbow, by chemistry. More recently, Zombies have taken a role in literature where they are animated (or diseased) by some form of virus. The bottom line though, is that Zombies are generally mindless, ravenous hordes of shambling dead, on the hunt for brains. Some adaptations give them abilities like running and leaping, but we all know that Zombies are actually really slow, right?

Ghost: A Ghost is the soul or spirit of a dead person that refuses to leave the world of the living for whatever reason. They can range from rather benign up to a annoying forms like poltergeists or even to dangerous spirits that can do physical harm to the living, like a Wraith.

Wight: A Wight is a living corpse somewhat similar to a Lich or Zombie, but it is said to still have lingering aspects of its living soul connected to it. Wights are often associated with extreme cold, such as Tolkien's Barrow-Wights, or Martin's Wights from Beyond-the-Wall. They would be considered more conscious and more dangerous than a Zombie, but not as powerful as a Lich.

Ghoul: In Dungeons and Dragons, a Ghoul is said to be the reanimated corpse of a person who in life was a cannibal. Much like a Zombie, a Ghoul is a creature who in undeath feasts on the flesh of the living, perhaps without a preference for brain over muscle or other tissue. In the Fallout universe, a Feral Ghoul is a human who is technically still alive, but whose mind is so damaged by radiation, that they no longer know themselves, and have been reduced to cannibalism.

Banshee: In Celtic legend, a Banshee is said to be the spirit of a female faerie who wails as someone of import is about to die. In Ireland she was known as the bean-sidhe, in Scotland as the bean-nighe. There are many legends and stories of these spirits, but in role-playing games they are often considered little more than a more powerful type of ghost.

Mummy: We all know the stories and histories of the mummification processes used in real life, but when it comes to the Mummy as a monster in fantasy it's not much different than any other animated corpse. Because of the history of the practice, it is usually assumed that a Mummy was made of a person because of their great stature, so a living corpse that was put through the mummification process is usually considered a monster of some power, assuming he was some kind of king when he still lived. Mummies are generally considered the second most powerful corporeal undead after the Lich.

Will-o'-the-Wisp: From the hinkypunk, to the faerie light, to the corpse road, there are hundreds of variations on the Will-o'-the-Wisp, but the one thing that is agreed upon is that it generally lives in swamps, bogs, and marshes, and will recede when approached, often assumed to be attempting to lead it's victim to a watery grave.

Jiang Shi: The Jiang Shi (Chinese), or Gangshi (Korean), or Kyonshi (Japanese) is known as a hopping Vampire (or sometimes Zombie). They are said to live in coffins or caves during the day, and move around at night by taking great leaps of impressive agility. They are known for feeding on a living person's Ch'i (or Qi or Ki) rather than their blood.

There are countless variations on these forms of undead from many different cultures and histories, but I hope I have covered the main ones, and maybe even introduced some of you to something new.

Please continue to return and read this week, as I will cover other categories of fantastic creatures all week long.

Blog Chain: What's Your Favorite Monster

2011-10-22T20:23:00.013-04:00

I just joined the blog chain a month or two ago, and already it's mine turn to host. On a Saturday, no less. I swear these people are trying to do me in.

Anyway, since it's my turn to come up with a topic, I thought I would go with something random, fun, and informative.

It also ties in to my plans for blogging this week, and a flash fiction piece I recently wrote. So here's the prompt for this blog chain:

What is your all-time favorite monster? You can take this in any direction you'd like. For example: my most bad-ass monster would easily be a dragon, and it is my favorite in some ways, but you don't have to go with that kind of measurement. Like me, you could go with the most ridiculously hilarious monster you ever heard of, or, like Stephanie Meyer, you could go with the most romantic creature to ever grace the pages of mythology. Or like Carrie Ryan, you could choose the old standby: Zombies. One alone might not be much to handle, but the horde is probably the single most powerful monster force ever invented in gaming, film, literature, or legend. It's up to you: what's your favorite monster?

So I pass this topic along to my blog chain comrades, and instead of writing my own post, I'll send you to a piece of flash fiction that I recently wrote: Cubic. This piece was inspired by Gary Gygax's most ludicrous monster invention: The Gelatinous Cube. Please visit, comment, and let me know what you think, but be aware, the piece was written in a tongue-in-cheek attempt at hyper-camp, because a Gelatinous Cube deserves no less.

Please be sure to visit the next link in the chain: Kate.

Christine Danek's Current Query Critiqued

2011-10-21T07:00:00.001-04:00

Okay. Today we have Christine's query letter again, this time with my thoughts and suggestions.

For anyone who is new to this, Christine's query will be in plain text, below, and my feedback will be in red.

The query:

For eighteen(-)yea(-)old Anna Page, a failed suicide attempt I'm not sure you need "failed" and "attempt." They're redundant, because if you only attempt suicide, by definition you did not succeed. and a subsequent? I want this word or something like it here, because I want it to be obvious that the two things are closely related. stay at the psych ward just may be easier than fighting the alien war she has been forced to fight. This has some great punch to it, but I'm not sure about the execution. How is she forced to fight? And by whom?

All right. So for your opening you're not off to a bad start. I like the characterization you've given us for Anna, as she's obviously a troubled girl, but I think you could re-word things here, to make her more active. What causes Anna to give up on life? Give her control of her own choices, then (and I love the alien war coming out of left field like that, it makes for a great hook) give us more specific information about this war. Did aliens invade Earth? Have they been here for a while and just decided to take over? Who is forcing an eighteen-year-old to take part in a war, and why?

Almost dying leaves Anna a broken mess in therapy and telepathic. Wait, what? I love telepathy almost as much as I love telekinesis, but this is worded too suddenly for me. I get that there may not be a logical explanation for her sudden telepathy, but ease us into it with a few more words. Maybe say "... in therapy and with some surprising new mental abilities. Like telepathy." Or something. That's not great, but you get my point. She even thinks her soul lingered over her body for a while. Something she doesn’t want anyone to know. I like this, but I need to have a better idea of what you mean. Is this near death? Out of body? How can she think but not know? But when Anna meets and falls for IAN MCCLENNEND being part Scottish, I ADORE this name, but you don't capitalize character names in a query letter. Not unless their name is all caps in the book for some strange reason. her life changes—don't put em-dashes in query letters if you can at all help it, they do not play nice with email formatting. and it’s not all good. Strange things begin to happen, like what? Be specific. her friends distance themselves, and she’s confronted by ghostly shadow people that try to kill her. Bad-ass.

Your second paragraph is a bit jumbled. You bring up some excellent and interesting concepts, but I really have no clear idea of what the root conflict is. I get the feeling that your novel has some internal conflict of Anna trying to outgrow her ... sadness, grief, depression, whatever, and then also some external conflict, which could either be the romance with Ian or surviving the shadow people, or both but either way we need a better picture of what and why. And another thing: what happened to the alien war?

As Ian and Anna become close, she soon discovers that he isn’t what she thought. He is part of a powerful race what does this mean, exactly? I'm not sure I like the term race. of humans created by Alien why is alien capitalized? refugees and was sent to protect her. I like the idea, but I want to know more about how it works, and what it means for the plot. Is he her protector? Did they meet by chance?

Shockingly, these Aliens had big plans for Anna’s lingering soul, this is vague. What plans? What kind of advantage would her soul give them? but since she surprised them by living through her suicide attempt, now the stakes are even higher. Why did that surprise them? Did they know the attempt was coming? Did they somehow play a role in it? Anna learns she has great power that the refugees can use against the evil lord RAIDEN, I'll share some links below, about famous characters named Raiden, who's names aren't in all caps (as an aside, this might be one instance where a character's name could be all caps. Maybe it's an acronym for some kind of alien AI: Radiant Artificial Intelligence Dynamic Electronic Node: R.A.I.D.E.N.) who has destroyed their planet and is ready to take over Earth. War is brewing, and Anna must fight to save Ian, I thought he was a powerful human sub-species that was going to save her? the aliens and the world.

Can Anna win the war, save the world and the guy she loves when her soul still dreams of dying? Wow. Cool. I like this summary. It's hints at something mystic, metaphysical ... spiritual.

LINGERING SOULS is a young adult, Earth-based, science fiction novel, complete at 62,000 words.This might be a bit short, especially for a novel that might need some world-building, even if it is Earth. I am an active member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Christine Danek

Okay, here are a couple of links to some famous Raiden's, showing why you might not want to name a character that, although it is an awesome name:

Raiden, AKA Lord Raiden, the thunder god of the Mortal Kombat universe, and protector of the Earthrealm.

Raiden, AKA Jack, a part human part cybernetic androgynous ninja agent in the Metal Gear series.

Raiden, a character from the video game Fatal Fury.

And the deity who probably inspired all of them:

Raijin, AKA Raiden, god of thunder and storms in the Shinto religion and Japanese mythology.

Anyway, I don't think any of that means you have to change the name, but I think you should be aware he won't be the first.

So, to summarize: It's obvious to me you've got an awesome story here. I've got a decent sense of your main character, but most of it is from what happens to her, and I'd like to know a little more about what kind of person she is, and how she thinks/feels/reacts to all this external suffering. I'm still not clear what the main plot is, or whether the alien war or the shadow people are more prominent, but I think that's easy to fix. Other than some minor logistical things, I don't think you need any kind of major overhaul.

So that's it.

What do you guys think? What would you change? What of my thoughts do you disagree with? Would you like to see a story with a Radiant Artificial Intelligence Dynamic Electronic Node in it?

Please share your thoughts in the comments, and have a great weekend!

Christine Danek's Current Query

2011-10-20T06:30:00.001-04:00

You all know Christine, right? She's very nice, and runs a great blog at Christine's Journey. Go visit it, and follow her.

Today I'm introducing you not only to Christine, but to her query letter. Please save your feedback for tomorrow.

Here's her query:

Dear Ms./Mr.

For eighteen year old Anna Page, a failed suicide attempt and a stay at the psych ward just may be easier than fighting the alien war she has been forced to fight.

Almost dying leaves Anna a broken mess in therapy and telepathic. She even thinks her soul lingered over her body for a while. Something she doesn’t want anyone to know. But when Anna meets and falls for IAN MCCLENNEND her life changes—and it’s not all good. Strange things begin to happen, her friends distance themselves, and she’s confronted by ghostly shadow people that try to kill her.

As Ian and Anna become close, she soon discovers that he isn’t what she thought. He is part of a powerful race of humans created by Alien refugees and was sent to protect her.

Shockingly, these Aliens had big plans for Anna’s lingering soul, but since she surprised them by living through her suicide attempt, now the stakes are even higher. Anna learns she has great power that the refugees can use against the evil lord RAIDEN, who has destroyed their planet and is ready to take over Earth. War is brewing, and Anna must fight to save Ian, the aliens and the world.

Can Anna win the war, save the world and the guy she loves when her soul still dreams of dying?

LINGERING SOULS is a young adult, Earth-based, science fiction novel, complete at 62,000 words. I am an active member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Christine Danek

There you go.

So that's it for today. Please say hello to Christine in the comments, and save your feedback on her query letter for tomorrow. Have a great Thursday!

Blog Marketing Critique by Laura Barnes

2011-10-19T06:30:00.015-04:00

Today I'm getting my blog critiqued by Laura Barnes. I don't know Laura that well but she's a Marketing Consultant, and a writer of Middle Grade Fiction who runs the blog, Laura B Writer.

She also runs a really cool service on her blog, called Blog Critique, where she critiques other writer's blogs from a Marketing Standpoint. My blog is not really a commercial venture, but I do one day hope to have a book to sell you people, so maximizing my blogs marketing potential seems like a wise think to at least think about.

Anyway, you can find Laura's critique of my blog, here.

My Very Un-Fairy Tale Life, by Anna Staniszewski

2011-10-18T07:00:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago writer blogger Heather Kelly asked me to participate in an ARC blog tour for Anna Staniszewski's debut novel, My Very Un-Fairy Tale Life.

When I first saw the cover, I thought to myself: this looks pretty funny, but probably not the kind of book I would run out to buy on release day (being a dude, I like explosions, sword-fights, car-chases, lightsabers, that kind of thing). But also being a writer, and a writer who blogs, I really do care a lot about helping each other out, so I figured what's the worst that could happen?

Sure I could have received the book, read it, hated it, and then felt really awkward about telling Anna and Heather that I just couldn't take part in the tour. But I should have known I wouldn't have to worry about any of that.

The day the package showed up at my house (we get a lot of books sent to us) my 10 year old daughter, Madison, wanted to know what was in it. When I opened it, and saw what it was, I told her the story of the ARC tour, and explained how such things work.

When she saw the cover she started freaking out. "Daddy, daddy, please let me read it? Please, please, please?" I may be paraphrasing here, but the point is my kid was not going to let me end the conversation without agreeing to let her read the book first.

So I did. It was clear that the cover was doing its job, and I figured if the book was marketed toward this kind of audience, why not let Madison in on the tour? The book is about 12-year-old Jenny, anyway, so it's a MG novel that is just right for my daughter's reading level.

I could go on about how exciting this all was, but I should probably get to the interview I conducted with Madison before this post goes on any longer.

When we first opened the package the book came in, you saw the cover, and immediately asked me if you could read it first. What was it about the cover that made you want to read the book?

It was the opposite of a fairytale (which are usually pretty boring, snore).

Did the book live up to what you expected it would be like, based on what you liked about the cover?

Yes, it was funny, and not as old fashioned as normal fairytales.

Who was your favorite character, and what did you like best about them?

Jenny, because she says the funny (and cheesy) things that could come out of a movie.

Without giving away any spoilers, what was your favorite part of the book?

Where the friends figured out Jenny was lying.

Have you read any books that were similar to this book? If so which ones, and how would you compare them?

Not really, I can’t think of any books like this one.

I saw you doing some writing in your notebook the day you finished this book. Did it inspire you to write a story of your own?

Yes, because it was fun to read.

Do you notice any themes in this story? If so, what did you think of them?

No I didn’t notice any themes in this story. [Editor's note: that's a tough question for a 10-year-old without giving her a chance to discuss the book with other readers, come on, dad]

Regarding the main character, what did she stand for, what was she trying to accomplish? And did you find yourself rooting for her?

She wanted to get being an adventurer over with, but once she did she wanted to get it back. And yes, I found myself rooting for her.

Old picture, I know, but too adorable not to use.

Finally, would you recommend this book to your friends, and what kinds of kids do you think would like it?

Yes, fiction-liking kids of any grade, up to like 8th.

Okay, so that's it for the interview. Brief, I know, but she's only ten.

Now, I will add that I haven't read the book myself yet (Madison just finished it on Sunday), but I have read the first chapter, which you can read too, here, and while it's still not really a book for overweight, hairy dads in their mid 30s, it is really hilarious.

I suggest you give it a look yourself. You can find Anna's blog here, and her website, here. Here are some other places you can find Anna and her book:

Twitter
Facebook
Goodreads
RSS
Watch the trailer

And that's it for today. Any questions?

Pay It Forward Blogfest Afterthoughts

2011-10-17T06:15:00.004-04:00

After the most epic blog tour/fest/party/hop/madness I have ever been involved in went down on Friday (and over the weekend), I don't quite know what to say. My clinical brain wants to analyze the increase in traffic, the followers that were added, and take a look at those same results for blog that weren't the hosts like Al and me.

But it isn't just about numbers. It's about people. Hopefully some of the new followers we all gained will stick around long enough to become friends. That was my hope when I conceived of the whole thing.

For those of you that do want to hear some numbers, when I first starting thinking hard about followers and blog traffic, or at least when I wrote The Follower Project, I had about 750 followers. That was just over a month ago. I now have 920, which is an increase of 170, in a few short weeks. That seems like a lot to me.

I remember it taking months to get to my first hundred followers. Anyway, Friday's post also got over 100 comments. I have never had that many. I love comments, and I think they're a good gauge for how successful a post is. After all, visitors are nice, but if what you wrote doesn't earn a comment from them, it might not have been all that interesting.

On the other side of the coin, I visited over 285 blogs over the weekend, and commented on and followed every single one. If you're wondering why the official linky list is now reduced to less than 250 blogs, it's because Ninja Captain Alex had to remove some spammers, commercial blogs, and people who just didn't take part in the blog fest.

Speaking of Alex, I would really like to thank him for helping me make this happen. Yes, it was originally my idea, but Alex did most of the work. He made the badge, he managed the linky list, he brought his army into the fray. Thanks Alex! And thanks all of you, for signing up, taking, part, and visiting, commenting on, and following each others blogs. There were a few really special moments when people were shocked to see how many new readers we sent them.

I guess that's it for now. I've got a lot of writing that needs to be worked on, and I'm hoping to take some days off blogging this week, but we'll see what happens, since I'm a bit of an addict.

Pay It Forward Blogfest

2011-10-14T06:00:00.024-04:00

This is all about volume, so I'm going to keep it slick, and easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy. Here are three blogs I have only recently discovered:

Wine and Words at: Quiet Commotion

Joshua at: Vive Le Nerd

Mike at: Sub-Radar

Go read them. Follow. Then visit the rest of the blogs on the linky list, and follow them too. Do it.

And if you're here as part of the blogfest, because you found me on the linky list, please be sure to click that "Join this site" button over there on the right. If you can't see it, hit F5.

Thanks, have a great weekend!

One More Day

2011-10-13T06:30:00.000-04:00

The blog fest is up to 175 people! I'm sure Alex hosts things with more blogs than that all the time, but I never do blogfests, so I'm a amazed, and maybe, just a little, overwhelmed.

It would be cool to see the list reach 200 blogs, but I think we're approaching saturation levels, so I don't think that's likely. I've got a lot of writing and critiquing to get done today, so I'm just going to say:

Thanks everyone for taking part in this! I really look forward to visiting all your blogs tomorrow and over the weekend, and meeting tons of great new people.

Have a great Thursday! See the post below this one if you have no idea what I'm talking about, or need to sign up on the linky list.

Some Pay It Forward Blogfest Tips

2011-10-12T06:30:00.009-04:00

I've been getting a few questions from friends and followers regarding the blogfest, and since it's coming up on Friday, we might as well talk about it now.

First things first: you don't have to include the linky list on your blog, or in your post for the festival.

In fact, if you want to promote the festival, it might be better to post about it tomorrow, and tell all your followers, to see if we can get any last minute sign-ups. But when it comes to the actual post, don't worry about. Unless, you know, you want to.

If you do want to make the list a part of your post (or your sidebar) keep in mind that because of the nature of the linky list code, it DOES NOT show up in blogger's preview or compose windows. You can't see it, but it's there. You have to add it in the "Edit HTML" window, and then trust that it will show up in your post. Or you could just link to Alex and my blogs, and let people use the lists we will have up there.

When it comes to what else you really want to include in your post the day of, it's up to you. You can explain the idea behind the fest in your own words if you like, or you could just link to my original announcement, or Alex's. After that, as long as you link to three blogs you enjoy reading and think people should follow, the rest is up to you. All I would suggest is to keep it short and simple, and remember that the point is to find and follow as many new blogs as possible.

When it comes to accomplishing that, you could theoretically start following the blogs on the list now, and I don't mind if you want to, but it kind of takes the fun out of seeing how much new traffic we can all get in a single day if we don't wait.

So for now, enjoy your day, and feel free to post the list on your blogs tomorrow (if you don't have something planned) to see if you can get your followers to join. It would be awesome to see 200 blogs in one festival!

Blog Chain: How I Work with Critique Partners

2011-10-11T07:30:00.016-04:00

This blog chain was started by Sarah, who asked:

Do you work with critique partners? How did you find your crit pals, and what influence have they had on your work?

So I thought I'd tell you all a bit about my history with critique groups and critique partners.

Before I started blogging, I was all alone. At least as a writer. I didn't know a single other serious writer in my "real" life. After I (thought I had) finished a novel, I started querying it way too early.

The inevitable rejections came. And came. I got a bit of interest here and there, but my book was clearly not ready. After several months I was ready to give up.

But then I got lucky.

The inspiration hit me to start blogging. Even if I could never get published I figured I could help other novice writers avoid the mistakes I made while querying (and deciding whether my novel was even ready to query).

Thus was born this silly blog with the ridiculous title. But that's enough about that.

A few months into blogging, after I had begun to build some great relationships, I realized that to fix my book, it was going to take more than just two eyes. A lot more.

I came up with the idea of starting a critique group. A formal one, with hard and fast rules. I reached out to some bloggers I knew who were also pursuing publication as novelists, and we started a group. We lost a few members here and there, and gained some others along the way. We were very organized for a few months, and exchanged simultaneous chapters (or sections for those of us who unlike me did not write massive chapters), every few weeks. It worked well for certain things like line editing and suggestions for style and other little-picture stuff, but it was impossible to get the full scope of big-picture things like character arc, plot twists, and so forth.

So we decided to change tactics. First the group disbanded, because of time constraints of some of the members, but then the rest of us decided to keep it going, on a less formal level, and just exchange work when the need arose, and with whom the need arose.

Now instead of a formal group, I have lose connections with several writer and editor friends who help me with my work. They've made a huge difference in my writing.

Simon C. Larter is the master of the big picture. He makes the best suggestions about how the plot can be re-arranged to maximize twists and surprises.

Ted Cross has the best balance. He is great at spotting "out of voice" instances, and is good at both big and little picture things.

Bryan Russell is critiquing my novel now, and I his. It's the first time we've worked together so I can't tell you what his strengths are yet.

Both Leigh T. Moore and Sarah (Falen) Ahiers are critiquing it as well, but they did not have anything ready to send to me. I hope to repay the favor someday.

So that's it. Great idea for a topic, Sarah! The post that came before mine was Kate's, and the one that comes after will be Sandra's.

Jury Duty

2011-10-10T06:30:00.002-04:00

I've got Jury Duty today, so I'm not here. But I still have some great stuff for you guys.

First, go visit my friend, Shannon Whitney Messenger, she's got great news this morning.

Next, some of you may have seen it, but I know most didn't see me being interviewed, by my friend Amy.

Finally, I posted for Project Mayhem on Friday. If you missed that, please go have a look. The post includes a fun video.

Betsy Newmeyer's Current Query Critiqued

2011-10-07T06:45:00.002-04:00

Good morning, readers. So today we have Betsy's query again. This time, as usual, with my thoughts, in red.

I'm still very sick, worse even than I was yesterday, but I've got a nice hot cup of black tea, so let's get to work.

Le Query:

Dear Ms. REDACTED,

FBI Agent Jonah White threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. I'm not sure this is worded properly. I'm no grammarian, so please forgive me if I foul this up, but to me this sounds like it's the murder that needs justice. I think this should say "...justice for his murdered sister." That way it's his sister that's in need of justice. However, with the suspected killer already six feet under, all Jonah can do now is wine and dine the man’s grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover the inheritance her husband stole from Jonah’s sister. So this is clearly a great premise for a story full of conflict and intrigue, but I wonder whether you're setting it up properly. For one thing, it doesn't make much sense to me that wining and dining a grieving widow would cost an FBI Agent his career. Was he obsessing over the case for years before the killer died, or he found the wife? I think if you can give us just a tiny bit more info about Jonah's character, and how he ended up in this situation, you would compel us all to care more about his choices.

Working undercover is never easy, he threw away his career, but now he's under cover, working? I'm confused. but falling in love with Maya--a possible accomplice to murder--I personally think a double hyphen in place of an em-dash looks terrible, but it is a definitive solution for the email formatting problem with em-dashes I've been pointing out lately. definitely wasn’t part of the plan. As he tries to sidestep Maya’s suspicions, and his own feelings, he learns two things: 1) there’s a pissed off, trigger-happy loan shark willing to put both Maya and Jonah in his sights to get the inheritance money, and 2) Maya’s husband isn’t so dead after all. Wow, okay. That's quite the raise in stakes. I like this part.

When his cover is blown and Maya’s daughter is kidnapped, Jonah will be will be? Now we're in future tense? forced to plan a daring rescue. Only, it won’t be tense his life on the line in the final shootout. Good final line. I mean it could probably be logically concluded, but it still packs some punch.

REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a romantic suspense novel set in Hill’s Creek, Texas, a fictitious town where the kinfolk like their secrets the way they like their steaks; big and juicy. Nice. I’m a Romance Writers of America member and a 2nd place finalist in the 2011 Dixie First Chapter contest for the first chapter of this novel.

Thank you for considering my book for representation.

Elizabeth Newmeyer (Betsy)

Okay. So to summarize, this is another query that's already pretty durn good. I'm not much of a thriller, crime, or romance reader, but I do know queries and I'm pretty sure this one will work. It does lack some important things, like voice, characterization, and a good, clear cut description of exactly what happens, but I think it conveys enough about the story, that if an agent is looking for that kind of book, she would move on to reading the pages.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Does a query for this kind of novel really need more voice? If the novel is kind of clinical, can't the query be so too? What would you change?

Please leave your feedback in the comments. And thanks for reading!

NOTE: I'm also posting over at Project Mayhem this morning. Please go read that post, too.

ALSO NOTE: Don't forget to sign up for the Pay It Forward blogfest, I'd love to see us get to 200 blogs.

ALSO NOTATE: I'm being interviewed by A.B. Keuser, here. Yes, I am that cool. And that busy.

Betsy Newmeyer's Current Query

2011-10-06T06:30:00.001-04:00

More queries. Today is Betsy Newmeyer's query letter. I can't find her blog, so if she stops by today with that information, I'll be sure to update the post.

Remember, today is just for introductions. Please save your feedback for tomorrow.

The query:

Dear Ms. REDACTED,

FBI Agent Jonah White threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. However, with the suspected killer already six feet under, all Jonah can do now is wine and dine the man’s grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover the inheritance her husband stole from Jonah’s sister.

Working undercover is never easy, but falling in love with Maya--a possible accomplice to murder--definitely wasn’t part of the plan. As he tries to sidestep Maya’s suspicions, and his own feelings, he learns two things: 1) there’s a pissed off, trigger-happy loan shark willing to put both Maya and Jonah in his sights to get the inheritance money, and 2) Maya’s husband isn’t so dead after all.

When his cover is blown and Maya’s daughter kidnapped, Jonah will be forced to plan a daring rescue. Only, it won’t be his life on the line in the final shootout.

REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a romantic suspense novel set in Hill’s Creek, Texas, a fictitious town where the kinfolk like their secrets the way they like their steaks; big and juicy. I’m a Romance Writers of America member and a 2nd place finalist in the 2011 Dixie First Chapter contest for the first chapter of this novel.

Thank you for considering my book for representation.

Elizabeth Newmeyer (Betsy)

That's it.

Please welcome Betsy in the comments, but more importantly, be sure to come back tomorrow for the feedback.

UPDATE: Betsy's blog can be found, here.

Marcy Hatch's Current Query Critiqued

2011-10-05T06:30:00.015-04:00

I'm not feeling well this morning (I hope it's just a cold, but my nose is running like a faucet) so I'm going to get right into this. Hopefully the cotton in my head doesn't mess with my query skillz.

If you haven't seen me do this before, Marcy's query is in plain text, below. My feedback is in red.

Dear [insert agent's name properly spelled]:

It is the winter of 1805 and the only thing sixteen-year-old Arlen Devlin is thinking of is the ball that will introduce her to high society and that elegant madness known as The Season. This is a great opening. Full of voice, and style. I would set this into its own paragraph, and would maybe like to see one more word that tells us about Arlen's character. But when tragedy strikes tell us how. The mention of meeting her grandmother leads me to believe she may have lost her parents, but you should almost always be specific in a query. Arlen's life takes a decidedly witchy this is so bad-ass, great writing! turn, beginning with the discovery of a grandmother she never knew you need another verb here, to be parallel with "beginning," maybe "continuing?" to a book of spells that has been handed down from mother to daughter for generations. That's what you mean, right? It wasn't handed down just once, was it? This, however, isn’t just any book of spells. This is a family’s heritage, a compilation of every scrap of magick gathered over the course of history. It’s the family’s grimoire. Someone said yesterday they didn't know what a grimoire was. It probably is a somewhat rare word these days, but being an old D&D nerd, I know exactly what a grimoire is, and I say don't you dare change it. It's a perfect word, and it really sets a great tone for your story. And someone wants hers.

Soon Arlen learns that the tragedy that took her parents’ lives all right, now I see, but this is still vague. How did they die? Tell us at the beginning. You can be brief. may not have been an accident and hers isn’t the only heirloom book of spells. Each of the great witch families has one and whoever holds the book holds the power in this England, where magick has as much influence as money, ~~where~~ witches are courted, what does this mean, witches are courted? Courted by who? and spells are traded for favors. It will take every talent Arlen has – including her mastery of the imp, Vathek - you see how the first dash is longer than the second? That's because email (and blog posts) do funny things to formatting. Be careful about using em-dashes in query letters. Unless you want to go for the dreadfully ugly double hyphen -- or you're a master of formatting, your em-dashes are going to get screwed up in emails. to navigate this maze of conspiracy and intrigue, and maybe, if she’s very lucky and very careful and very clever, she’ll survive.

Okay. So at this point I'm sure this query will have done it's job. It's full of amazing voice, amazing style, and it clearly clues you in on that fact that here is a great writer, with a great story. If you fixed the few small things I've pointed out, you'd probably be good to go, assuming your pages are as good as this query.

But you came here asking for my advice, so I will say that in spite of the things this query has in spades, what it is lacking is specific information. If you want to get this query to be the best it can be, you need to give us a better sense of the conflict, and the choice Arlen will have to make to overcome it. You don't need to name or go too deeply into any characters like a potential antagonist, but right now all we know is that there are other witch families, who vaguely may or may not be after Arlen's grimoire. I think you have room for a few more words here, so I think so should get specific about what she has to overcome.

However, if you choose to keep it succinct, this query will probably work as is. It's already very good.

Grimoire CAPITAL: GRIMOIRE is complete at 93,000 words and set during the Regency I'm no expert in this, because I don't read romance, but to me using this term will make the reader think of Regency Romance novels. We know from the year above when it takes place, so I would consider skipping this word, although the point about it being a sort of alternate history is pretty important, so you should keep that in. period in England – albeit a slightly different England. I have a BA in History and I've written several other books. Are they published? Traditionally? If not, don't mention them unless you've sold more than 10,000 copies. I have ~~pasted~~ included the first five pages per your guidelines. If you would like to see more, I would love to send it to you. You don't have to say that, agents know you would love for them to read your manuscript.

Thank you for your time,

Marcy S. Hatch

Okay. So to summarize: this query is already very good. A historical fantasy young adult novel like this sounds very fresh and unique to me, and I'm sure you're going to find a lot of success when you begin submitting. There are a couple tiny things to fix, but they're no big deal.

If you really want this query to shine I would suggest adding another sentence or two about some specific bit of conflict, but I also don't think it would be required in order to get someone to read your first five pages.

And a short note: I love the hint of her power over the imp Vathek. I don't know if she summons him or just controls him, but either way it reminds me of the Bartimaeus Trilogy, and I LOVED those books.

So that's it. What do you all think? Am I trippin? Is this query as good as it looks? What kind of one or two word terms could be used to describe Arlen in that first sentence to really make it pop with hook?

Don't forget to sign up for my blogfest.

Marcy Hatch's Current Query

2011-10-04T06:30:00.001-04:00

More queries. It's what we do here. Today is a letter from Marcy S. Hatch. You know what to do. If you're like me, you know Marcy from her blogs, Mainewords, or perhaps, Unicorn Bell. Before we move on, please go visit and follow at least one of her blogs.

Now. Just in case any of you are new and haven't seen this done before, please remember that today is just for introducing Marcy and her query letter. Please save your feedback for tomorrow, after I have given mine.

So. To the query:

Dear [insert agent's name properly spelled]:

It is the winter of 1805 and the only thing sixteen year old Arlen Devlin thinking of is the ball that will introduce her to high society and that elegant madness known as The Season. But when tragedy strikes Arlen's life takes a decidedly witchy turn, beginning with the discovery of a grandmother she never knew to a book of spells that has been handed down from mother to daughter. This, however, isn’t just any book of spells. This is a family’s heritage, a compilation of every scrap of magick gathered over the course of history. It’s the family’s grimoire. And someone wants hers.

Soon Arlen learns that the tragedy that took her parents’ lives may not have been an accident and hers isn’t the only heirloom book of spells. Each of the great witch families has one and whoever holds the book holds the power in this England, where magick has as much influence as money, where witches are courted, and spells are traded for favors. It will take every talent Arlen has – including her mastery of the imp, Vathek - to navigate this maze of conspiracy and intrigue, and maybe, if she’s very lucky and very careful and very clever, she’ll survive.

Grimoire is complete at 93,000 words and set during the Regency period in England – albeit a slightly different England. I have a BA in History and I've written several other books. I have pasted the first five pages per your guidelines. If you would like to see more, I would love to send it to you.

Thank you for your time,

Marcy S. Hatch

That's it for the letter.

Please say hello to Marcy in the comments, thank her for having the courage to share this publicly, and then have a nice day!

Monday Off

2011-10-03T06:00:00.002-04:00

I'm taking the day off blogging today, because I have a lot of revising and critiquing to get done.

I'm still trying to cut from my novel, and I've got two others (well, one and part of another) that I'm reading and critiquing.

So have a great day, and don't forget to sign up for the blogfest (post below):

Pay It Forward Blogfest

2011-09-30T06:00:00.003-04:00

Today is the official announcement of Alex and my Pay It Forward Blogfest. I know we've been hinting at it for a while, and we know how excited you've all been (hopefully), so we're happy to announce that it's finally here.

Well, that is, the announcement is finally here. The actual blogfest isn't until Friday, October 14th, but that gives you plenty of time to sign up on Alex's linky list. Please sign up, and then be ready for the madness to ensue two weeks from now.

Here is how the blogfest will actually work: The idea is to introduce everyone to everyone else. We want this to be an easy post that allows you to meet and follow as many other bloggers as you can. In your post, we would like you to please list, describe, and link to three blogs that you enjoy reading, but that you suspect may fly under the radar of a lot of other bloggers. Or they can be famous blogs, as long as they're awesome.

But don't stop there! Certainly visit and follow all the blogs that are featured in people's posts the day of the blogfest, but those don't have to be the only blogs you visit. You can visit everyone who enters in on the fun, and signs up on the linky list. In the interest of time you don't even have to leave comment. You can just follow, and come back another time. After all, we all know we don't have time to visit every blog we enjoy every single day.

So that's it. Please sign up in the linky list, and we will see you in two weeks!

Let's Take it Back to the Old School

2011-09-29T08:00:00.001-04:00

I'm not even going to discuss the Atlanta Braves, the (current) Boston Red Sox, or mention the fact that they both just broke records for the worst end of season collapse in the history of baseball.

Er, wait - I just did mention it, didn't I? Well I'm not going to discuss it any further, because I'm disgusted. Instead, I'm going to discuss something else that disgusts me, because I feel like it.

You probably weren't aware of this, but there was a close race in the National League this season, between Jose Reyes, of the New York Mets, and Ryan Braun, of the Milwaukee Brewers, for the batting title. Before yesterday, Reyes was in the lead with an average of .347. What he did to secure his lead in yesterday's game was lame, as far as I'm concerned.

Jose Reyes bunted on his first at-bat, which with his speed almost guaranteed a hit. That in itself is not a big deal, but what he did next is a sign, to me, of what's wrong with our culture these days. He asked his manager to take him out of the game. He did. This preserved his average, meaning he did not have any strikeouts, groundouts, or outs of any kind that day, which could have lowered his average.

He should have played the rest of the game, because Ryan Braun ended up going 0 for 4 against the Pittsburgh Pirates, and Reyes would have won no matter what.

Anyway, you're probably wondering why Ted Williams is up there, assuming you knew that was Ted Williams. Ted is up there because I want to use him to illustrate how things should be done.

70 years ago, Ted Williams was in the same position as Jose Reyes - poised to take the title, and with a decision to make. His situation was a bit more historic though. He had a .3996 batting average, something which is essentially unheard of. The last day of the season was a double header. He could have sat out, which his manager suggested, and MLB would have rounded his average up to .400.

What did Ted do? He did what any self-respecting hero and role model would. He played both games, went 6 for 8, and ended up with a legitimate .406 batting average. No one has ever had an average of over .400 since.

Not one single player.

Kids, don't be like Jose Reyes. Be like Ted Williams.

He played for the Boston Red Sox. I bet they wish they had him back.

iPad and the Young Mind

2011-09-28T07:00:00.004-04:00

So I went and bought an iPad on Monday night. We'd been saving for it for a few weeks, and I decided I needed one when I finalized my plans to visit WFC in San Diego next month, and meet up with wonderful writers and author friends like Simon C. Larter, Shannon Whitney Messenger, Carolina Valdez Miller, Sara Ann McClung, and Andrew Smith.

I won't get into the things that are cool about it, or the things that it ought to be able to do, but can't, because those would be long posts all on their own. I will, hopefully briefly, discuss how cool this thing is for kids.

My daughter Madison and I played a game of scrabble on it against each other last night. She has an iPod touch she's had for a while, that she paid for by saving up her allowance, and that allowed us each to play our tiles from our own device, so that we weren't too obviously revealing our letters to each other.

Now, I have to say, in some ways I'm a bit of a Luddite. I don't believe in kids walking around with headphones constantly in their ears, shutting out the world around them, eyes glued to the screen of some device like little LCD versions of The Mirror of Erised, but the potential for interesting educational opportunities with a device like the iPad is off the charts.

The coolest thing about it is how it excites my child. When she came into my room last night (I didn't have time to set it up after buying it on Monday) and saw me installing some apps on it, her eyes lit up, and she bounded onto the bed with me.

My kid never hangs out with me in my room. She's 10. I had the horrible Braves game on the TV, which she would normally never suffer through. But she spent the next few hours hanging out with me, talking to me about the iPad, and showing me cool things like how to organize my apps into folders so I don't have 5 pages of apps. Then we played some games. Like Scrabble, pictured above.

I'm not going to go on about this any longer, but I see a very high cool factor when it comes to technology and young minds. I think if we leverage these devices properly to our children, we can help them focus on the benefits, without turning them into backlit LCD zombies.

What do you guys think? Do your kids have e-readers? Smart Phones? Other tech?

Boozy

2011-09-27T06:30:00.011-04:00

I'm taking a blogging hiatus today, because I've got some writing related obligations, so here's something for you, my lovelies:

I don't know why he's drinking beer when he's singing about wine (in the music video version, which for some reason doesn't have the great dub verse), but at far as I'm concerned, as long as it gets you drunk, it's all good.

Have a wonderful day, friends.

Blog Chain - Keeping the Faith

2011-09-26T06:30:00.000-04:00

It's Blog Chain time again. Okay, technically yesterday was blog chain time again, but I didn't realize we did this thing on weekends, too. I don't blog on weekends. Hell, if it doesn't involve my daughter's soccer game or getting drunk and watching football, I don't do much on weekends.

Anyway, back to the business at hand. This chain topic was selected by Shaun, whose first post you can find: here.

Here is how he introduced it:

In writing, we talk a lot about grabbing the reader from page 1. From the first paragraph, the first sentence. I spend a lot of time working on my first paragraphs because I know that agents and editors are pretty much going to decide whether they want to keep reading based on that. It's the first impression. A crappy first page is like walking into an interview in your underwear. So it's important to grab your reader right away.

But what about those books that don't?

What are three books you would tell people that they need to keep reading even if they aren't immediately sucked in by the first page?

Before I share my three, I just want to point out that I'm a very patient reader. I don't have a problem with books whose stories take time to build. I've only ever given up on two books in my life, and it was never within the first five pages. Do people really do that? Give up on a book that quickly? Or is that only when industry professionals are considering work?

Right. So here's my three:

1) The Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien. I'm listing this one, because it's basically famous for starting slow. Now that I'm a (somewhat) professional writer, I can see the point people are making when they make this argument, because the plot does take some time to get going, but in my opinion, it starts out just right. It's a vast world Tolkien was building, and it took time to get a feel for it. Personally I love every minute of it.

2) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, by J.K. Rowling. This is one I'm a bit ashamed to admit. But it's an interesting story. I first bought this book for my daughter when she was about 6. I had seen Good Morning America talking about the lines outside of bookstores when The Chamber of Secrets was released, and I wanted to see what all the hype was about. So I bought her the book. I read the first two or three chapters myself, and being the fool I was at the time, I scoffed. "This is a children's book!" I said to myself. "Clearly it's beneath me," was my second sentiment. So I'm sad to say that I gave her the book and it took another 4 years or more before she finally convinced me to give them another chance. I think she was on Goblet of Fire at the time. Well, this is going to sound cliche, and it probably is, but reading those books changed my life. I realized that great writing could be meant for any audience, and I've been reading, and loving, and writing, and toiling over, "YA" and "MG" books ever since.

3) The Sound and the Fury, by William Faulkner. This one I was reminded of by the blog chain member who came before me, Sandra. I'll link to her post at the end. This is a perfect example of this topic for me, because honestly? I still don't fully understand this book. I've read it three times. The whole stream of consciousness style is one I always struggle with. The first time I read this book it made no sense to me. But I came back a few years later, and read it again. Okay, admittedly, there are still parts that don't make sense, but it also contains some of the most powerful writing I've seen, and I've come to love it in spite of my ignorance.

So there you go. A day late and a few dollars short, that's my take on the topic. Be sure to visit Sandra's post, that came before me, and Kate's post, which will probably go up today (sorry, Kate)!