tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post8588815161172638944..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Josh Hoyt's Current Query CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-18417920850551907472011-07-12T03:59:32.128-04:002011-07-12T03:59:32.128-04:00Some really useful pieces of advice here. Thanks. ...Some really useful pieces of advice here. Thanks. I've arrived at your blog from Bish's blog.<br /><br />http://rosalindadam.blogspot.comRosalind Adamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05363027308436257933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-49329350846856061702011-07-10T12:09:37.946-04:002011-07-10T12:09:37.946-04:00Great critique of an interesting query!
Josh, I t...Great critique of an interesting query!<br /><br />Josh, I think I'm sitting with Matt, Elana, and Tamara on this. Your first paragraph (aside from housekeeping, which some agents do prefer to have at the beginning, so make sure you personalize each one you send out; it's a simple cut-and-paste thing) is KEY, and this opening (and query), while delivering the information, is pretty dry.<br /><br />I want to go back to what Elana and Matt have both already mentioned: <b>voice</b>. Re-read the first chapter or two of your manuscript, and look again at the information in your opening (Tom Lastname, a baguette-snatching (or whatever) orphaned 16 year-old, is chosen to restore The Order of The Rose because he's the only male able to use magic) and deliver it in a voice that matches your manuscript.<br /><br />Then, do that to the rest of your query, taking out vague-but-intriguing phrases and replacing them with specific-and-intriguing phrases. For example, "Torn from his mother at a young age" becomes "After his mother was kidnapped by the country's womanizing dictator when he was only two..." Or whatever actually happened. "Overthrow the government" becomes "assassinate the Dictator, who has outlawed magic" (or, you know, whatever you have going on in your book). And please tell what The Order of The Rose is, because it seems pretty important, but it isn't clear.<br /><br />I agree about cutting the ghost quote, and the stuff about your degrees and blog. If you are a member of any professional organization, definitely include that info.<br /><br />And good luck! I think you have a great premise; you just need to tease out those details that will make this query sing.Ishta Mercuriohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17776946702988283453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-3508728622838631172011-07-10T01:23:12.464-04:002011-07-10T01:23:12.464-04:00I agree that the query was too vague, and in a way...I agree that the query was too vague, and in a way that's a good thing because I wanted to know more. Not that I'm saying to keep it vague, but it has such potential.Missed Periodshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10343265071637032284noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-3487469732681834292011-07-10T01:23:10.164-04:002011-07-10T01:23:10.164-04:00I agree that the query was too vague, and in a way...I agree that the query was too vague, and in a way that's a good thing because I wanted to know more. Not that I'm saying to keep it vague, but it has such potential.Missed Periodshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10343265071637032284noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-26315291293277981542011-07-09T15:06:42.074-04:002011-07-09T15:06:42.074-04:00I went camping last night and when I got home I fo...I went camping last night and when I got home I found some wonderful advice. Thanks everyone for all of the encouragement and support. I will be looking at working over this with all of the advice in mind.<br />Thanks again Matt for hosting and critiquing my query letter.Author Joshua Hoythttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01256754228034053632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-39537772701433520172011-07-09T14:21:57.302-04:002011-07-09T14:21:57.302-04:00Wow, the three C's. Seems so obvious when you ...Wow, the three C's. Seems so obvious when you put it like that!<br /><br />Thanks Matt, and thanks to Josh for sharing.Sarah Tokeleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13273148070092101085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-3440772565231416632011-07-09T12:28:03.847-04:002011-07-09T12:28:03.847-04:00Josh,
Thank you for being brave enough to share yo...Josh,<br />Thank you for being brave enough to share your query out here. :) The story sounds interesting.<br /><br />I agree with everything in Matt's assessment (well done, Matt!). The things that stuck out for me include:<br /><br />*I agree with needing Tom's full name <br />*I want to more about Tom. What kind of kid is he? <br />*What is the Order of the Rose?<br />*How was he torn from his mother? <br />*How did Tom have to fend for himself?<br />*Why was he rescued? And why did the leader train him? Does the leader know about Tom's ability to wield magic?<br />*Who is looking for him? And why are they looking for him?<br /><br />Best of luck! I can't wait to read the revision!Shannonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11640509596922335617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-17306950932615301092011-07-09T12:05:34.089-04:002011-07-09T12:05:34.089-04:00I don't have much to add here, because I'v...I don't have much to add here, because I've critiqued this query before. <br /><br />I like Matt's focus on the three C's. I think this query lacks a bit of character, a bit of voice, if you will. I'm not sure that it can/should be fixed, as it should mirror the tone of the novel.<br /><br />It is a little bit vague, but overall, it does get the job done. I think the main danger is that the agent/editor reading it won't be propelled through the whole thing and/or encouraged to request. <br /><br />That said, if you're going for drastic, you could cut the entire first paragraph and start with the hook for your novel. I'm not sure you have one, and you need one. Something like, "In a world where only women wield magic, sixteen-year-old Tom LastName surprises everyone at his orphanage when he casts a spell to keep the bullies at bay." <br /><br />Or some such. It gives us a bit of info about the world, introduces the character, and provides the inciting event for the revolutionary leader to come.<br /><br />I do agree with Matt's assessment of the vagueness of the events that follow. Those could be spiced up with details.Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-58369398196956137042011-07-09T11:13:46.148-04:002011-07-09T11:13:46.148-04:00I love the three C's concept, and The critique...I love the three C's concept, and The critique made some excellent points. If and when I get to a query stage, I know to whom I'll be pandering to get a look at it :PJamie Gibbshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15168603412367448706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-20745576600054572702011-07-09T00:56:06.520-04:002011-07-09T00:56:06.520-04:00Kudos to you, Josh, for posting your query. The st...Kudos to you, Josh, for posting your query. The story sounds interesting.<br /><br />Matt has done a masterful job here and anything I add feels redundant. I agree with Carol Riggs that you should mention writing organizations in your bio rather than your degrees (except if you have an MFA in Writing) and your blog. I put my blogs in my signature line, on the off-chance that a busy assistant/agent will take a gander.<br /><br />I think the best thing you can do is answer Matt's questions and spice up your query's voice.<br /><br />Best of luck!!!Michael G-Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947421844294471304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-2755262859326063032011-07-08T22:56:03.926-04:002011-07-08T22:56:03.926-04:00Great advice, Matt. The story does sound interesti...Great advice, Matt. The story does sound interesting. Good luck!RaShelle Workmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582252557500502186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-38481257645502367452011-07-08T17:23:52.334-04:002011-07-08T17:23:52.334-04:00Great critique, Matt! I agree about using the MC&#...Great critique, Matt! I agree about using the MC's last name too in the query, and the 3 C's are a super and easy way to remember what to put in a letter. I always put the title and word count later in the letter too.<br /><br />I kinda agree about the voice (lack of it), but maybe when a few more specifics are added, more of a flavor will happen. Definitely omit the credits--like you said, they aren't really credits agents or editors care about. If Josh belongs to the SCBWI, that IS something to mention (an active member of), however. It shows you're a serious writer that way, not just a hobbyist. A lot of agents DO prefer the personalization up front; it makes the initial connection.Carol Riggshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14092209912983783974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-21689020783016206492011-07-08T17:14:10.263-04:002011-07-08T17:14:10.263-04:00Great advice. Good luck to Joshua with his query!Great advice. Good luck to Joshua with his query!Nichole Gileshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12536148445303996747noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-12112113122105202202011-07-08T15:59:07.922-04:002011-07-08T15:59:07.922-04:00The 3 C's is great advice. Will make sure I ha...The 3 C's is great advice. Will make sure I have them in mine.<br /><br />Great concept, Joshua. Good luck!M Paxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14096697282530998519noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-74917933642564935072011-07-08T15:30:19.690-04:002011-07-08T15:30:19.690-04:00Thanks for the pointers on the 3 c's I will be...Thanks for the pointers on the 3 c's I will bear that in mind with my stories and query letters. :O)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-21991115519317269852011-07-08T14:07:50.189-04:002011-07-08T14:07:50.189-04:00Excellent critique by our host! And kudos to the q...Excellent critique by our host! And kudos to the query writer. Submitting one of these babies for people to pick apart is not easy. <br /><br />I wonder if you’ll get far with this title. It makes me think of Umberto’s Eco’s The Name of the Rose. But, as Stephen King writes throughout the Gunslinger series, the world has moved on. But you might think of some alternatives just in case.<br /><br />I agree with Matthew and many of the commenters on the vagueness. This may be the queries greatest weakness. In SF/Fantasy, it has become problematic to put the words “boy” and “magic” together without the reader thinking about Harry Potter or Percy Jackson. Bringing your character to life--in a unique way--with a few key images, abilities, and/or personal history is so tricky, but so needed. Please add specifics on this character’s magical powers and why they make him a target. You write that he is the only male with magic. Is this significant? Are there lots of females with magical powers? Nothing else in the query relates back to Tom’s magical powers and this feels like an oversight. <br /><br />Being an orphan is almost a cliché. Do you need it in the query? If the first five pages focus on this part of the character’s life, I would think yes. But bring it to life. Something like, “After witnessing his mother’s head parted from her body by a soldier’s sword, young Tom spends his adolescence stealing bread from orphanage storeroom and feeling the whip for his transgression.” <br /><br />Finally, get rid of the words “when all is said and done” in paragraph two. They don’t add anything. Queries are so short; every word counts.Tamara Narayanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03725262301091012950noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-85819154236345945472011-07-08T13:16:45.591-04:002011-07-08T13:16:45.591-04:00You go, Matt! Your critique was spot on.You go, Matt! Your critique was spot on.K. M. Waltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07167022736028223997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-60577222489824136322011-07-08T13:07:54.285-04:002011-07-08T13:07:54.285-04:00I'll be honest - I haven't ready many of y...I'll be honest - I haven't ready many of your critiques (okay, any of your critiques) because when I hear the word query, I think communicable disease. However, today I took a gander and you did an excellent job. You had a lot of insight to offer; you definitely know your stuff. Well done!Paul Josephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07219724579550337686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-59429429359573051732011-07-08T12:59:29.577-04:002011-07-08T12:59:29.577-04:00Great critique, Matt, I can't think of anythin...Great critique, Matt, I can't think of anything to add... I agree that query length is subjective, but I felt like this was a little too long for the way the query was written. But like you said, it's a matter of opinion!<br />I really like the premise of this story, and I think this query has a lot of potential!Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-32764429374483457622011-07-08T12:35:40.280-04:002011-07-08T12:35:40.280-04:00Marsha asks a good question, and I want to answer ...Marsha asks a good question, and I want to answer it here for everyone.<br /><br />Query length is like everything else we do: subjective.<br /><br />In general, I would say that shorter is better. The whole point of a query is to get an agent to read pages, so the less it takes the better. I don't like to get too specific about stuff like this, but a lot of the best queries I've seen are around 200-250 words. Some even less.<br /><br />However, my own query (which you can find at the top of the blog), which won a contest at WriteOnCon last year, is 309 words long WITHOUT housekeeping or personalization, so there are exceptions. I still kind of want to make mine shorter, but it's a WIP.<br /><br />I think really the best advice I can give here is that the query: length, voice, diction, pace, humor, attitude, and everything? It should match the story. Everything has to serve the story. That's the bottom line.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-54273597708585205032011-07-08T12:29:06.799-04:002011-07-08T12:29:06.799-04:00Great critique. I can't think of anything els...Great critique. I can't think of anything else to add either. Except to ask Matt what are his thoughts on query length? Just in general. <br /><br />Also I want to be invited to one of Andrew's parties.Marsha Sigmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11095210839900479297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-2433279141996567542011-07-08T12:18:35.023-04:002011-07-08T12:18:35.023-04:00I have to agree with everyone else, Matt. Your cr...I have to agree with everyone else, Matt. Your critiques are getting better and better! I can't think of anything to add that you haven't already said. <br /><br />Josh, this is great advice. Critiques can be tough to take (believe me, I know), but this is definitely a good one.Emily Whitehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06478461123707071108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-29902436154377195492011-07-08T12:07:54.614-04:002011-07-08T12:07:54.614-04:00I have to agree with everyone else at how good you...I have to agree with everyone else at how good you have gotten Matt. <br /><br />As for a comment, Josh, I'd open with that line about Tom losing his mom, it sets us up right away wanting to know why and how that affects him. And I too want to know know more about this mysterious Order of the Rose. What is it?Bish Denhamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13359927719391990534noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-63667703569959054432011-07-08T11:55:52.915-04:002011-07-08T11:55:52.915-04:00I always have trouble with the bio paragraph too. ...I always have trouble with the bio paragraph too. Hard to know what to put in, what to take out. I like to think that if I wrote a cover letter for an entire ms, that's where I would put in the kind of paragraph about psych. and blogging Josh has here.<br />Just a thought.Kristen Wixtedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06270464973842125576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-12998853391361423352011-07-08T11:36:49.456-04:002011-07-08T11:36:49.456-04:00Hi Josh! Thanks so much for offering your query to...Hi Josh! Thanks so much for offering your query to be critiqued. I learn so much from these. I'm an unpublished writer, but I have critiqued queries for a friend. I am by no means an expert.<br /><br />My first thought was your query is too vague. I'd suggest adding some specifics without getting wordy.<br /><br />1st P: I agree with Matt. My biggest question was, What is the Order of the Rose? <br /><br />2nd P: I'd cut the line about the orphanage and combine the first 2 sentences.<br /><br /><i>Torn from his mother at a young age, Tom fended (or fends depending on the tense you choose) for himself.</i> <br /><br />A question: Does the revolutionary actually rescue Tom? <br /><br />I'm going to disagree with Matt about naming the revolutionary leader (sorry, Matt). I wouldn't mind a mention of his name here, IF he's an important character. You've only named Tom, so we're not dealing w/ an overabundance of names. I think it might take some of the vagueness away.<br /><br />I'd also cut "During training" and start the sentence with "Tom." You may want to rework this sentence. We already know about his patron's interest so this is redundant. Consider something like: Tom soon discovers that his abilities attract others who do not necessarily want him alive. (sorry, my sentence isn't that great, but do you get what I mean?)<br /><br />3rd P: I agree with Matt and Natalie that the ghost comes out of left field. Is it necessary to mention? Is the ghost a recurring character who accompanies Tom? Matt's right - this is the paragraph where we should learn specifically what's a stake for Tom. <br /><br />You also use a lot of cliches in this paragraph.<br /><br />"end of corruption"<br />"ripped apart"<br />"the weight he carries"<br /><br />I think that if you drop these and focus on the specifics in short, sharp sentences, your query will leave us wanting more.<br /><br />Josh, you are so brave for posting this and I think you have a great story. Best of luck!Suzie F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/09560250678212373878noreply@blogger.com