tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post7627375272177868225..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Jessica Salyer's Current Query CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-16752376299867568222012-09-04T09:37:59.801-04:002012-09-04T09:37:59.801-04:00Oops. Thought I left a comment on this last Friday...Oops. Thought I left a comment on this last Friday. I said that Sarah really nailed it, along with Matthew's detailed feedback.<br /><br />Sarah was right on about the screeners (gatekeepers). There's going to have to be something in this query that screams DIFFERENT and UNIQUE to get past them.Jay Noelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04757777693161610861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-10248577822700491832012-09-03T10:35:21.746-04:002012-09-03T10:35:21.746-04:00Jessica good luck with this!!!! Matt, spot on!Jessica good luck with this!!!! Matt, spot on!Christina Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01799776834213400246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-56901210788544324452012-09-01T20:29:56.570-04:002012-09-01T20:29:56.570-04:00It's safe to say that I've just stopped ha...It's safe to say that I've just stopped having opinions on query letters until I learn your opinion, Matt.<br /><br />Kidding! ...mostlyAlexandra Shostakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11517091878608894496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-52670086316876229102012-09-01T16:31:23.472-04:002012-09-01T16:31:23.472-04:00In addition to Matt's always-savvy comments, I...In addition to Matt's always-savvy comments, I think a lot of Sarah's suggestions are great, too. Myself, I think the Potter thing is a problem - especially if the reference IS deliberate, in which case you run the risk of looking like you're trying to capitalize on another author's creation. <br /><br />I'm also curious about the Emma Potter/Potter Valley connection. Clearly there is one, but Emma clearly wasn't aware of it, and I want to know what it is. You could even use it as a way to tie your query together: "Turns out Emma's family is a whole lot more important than she'd ever suspected. In fact, they've got a whole magical vale named after them. But the surprise of being whisked away to a fancy new school in Potter Valley pales in comparison to what she discovers when she arrives... " or whatever.<br /><br />Good luck! Sounds like it could be super fun and fascinating.jerichashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14313710420089008960noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-29116269916765371612012-08-31T16:41:26.169-04:002012-08-31T16:41:26.169-04:00Well done, Matt. The story's intriguing. I'...Well done, Matt. The story's intriguing. I'd read it.Donna K. Weaverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15763832177263927311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-21409872005381303472012-08-31T16:00:36.754-04:002012-08-31T16:00:36.754-04:00Once again, Matt is spot on! He tagged everything ...Once again, Matt is spot on! He tagged everything i thought ofSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-22525138150956801512012-08-31T14:28:26.351-04:002012-08-31T14:28:26.351-04:00Great crit, Matt. I didn't get the connection ...Great crit, Matt. I didn't get the connection between the car and her powers when I read it the first time yesterday either. Putting that in the first paragraph will give it some punch :) Good luck - sounds like a great story :)Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-50869019237590157132012-08-31T13:48:45.085-04:002012-08-31T13:48:45.085-04:00Great critique Matt. And there were a lot of good ...Great critique Matt. And there were a lot of good suggestions in the comments. Jessica, I think you've got a good start to the query. If you make it clearer in paragraph one about Emma's sudden powers causing the truck not to hit them and some of Matt's other suggestions, you should be able to spotlight what's unique about your story. It sounds like a great story.<br /><br />Matt, hope you have a great weekend and get lots of writing done. Natalie Aguirrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03756087804171246660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-11630992438153928282012-08-31T11:32:54.035-04:002012-08-31T11:32:54.035-04:00I like the blue comments. They are easier to read ...I like the blue comments. They are easier to read than the red. Great new pic by the way, Matt.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-64199715022114120082012-08-31T10:51:30.794-04:002012-08-31T10:51:30.794-04:00Thanks for all the great suggestions and encourage...Thanks for all the great suggestions and encouragement! I really appreciate it. I will definitely rewrite the beginning and change the bit about the school. It's not a school just for people with powers, regular kids go there too. And great pick up Dianne... that's exactly why her name is Potter. :) Thank you, Matthew for sharing your wisdom with me.Jessica Salyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00227752359369023249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-89130663932799238372012-08-31T08:51:23.521-04:002012-08-31T08:51:23.521-04:00I was wondering if the Potter reference was delibe...I was wondering if the Potter reference was deliberate -- especially since it's Emma's last name and the name of the valley. If it is, I think it's important you make that clear.<br /><br />I agree with Sarah on the "She thought she was an average girl" line. I'm not an agent, and I've still seen that line countless times here at Matt's blog. <br /><br />In order to make this query shine, you will have to reveal some secrets. I know it's difficult to spill the details about Potter Valley and Guardians because you want to surprise the reader, but don't hold them back in a query. The agent needs to know what you plan on surprising the reader with so that this manuscript will catch his/her eye.Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-47547841935627870262012-08-31T08:16:48.325-04:002012-08-31T08:16:48.325-04:00All the best, sweetie.All the best, sweetie.A Daft Scots Lasshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01922985143036647579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-27018122508934012102012-08-31T08:15:44.636-04:002012-08-31T08:15:44.636-04:00I agree with most of Matt's critique, especial...I agree with most of Matt's critique, especially his comments about the first sentence. I also like what Sarah had to say. Good luck with this!!S.A. Larsenッhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-63022229126327106242012-08-31T08:06:40.518-04:002012-08-31T08:06:40.518-04:00I agree with Matt on the big picture. There were s...I agree with Matt on the big picture. There were some minor grammatical things, too, but as this needs a bit of rewriting to tie it together, I won't bother. If you want a professional editor to give the revised version a quick (and free!) scan, drop me a line.Bryan Russellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09555071335245492790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-66243533382403361932012-08-31T07:34:30.966-04:002012-08-31T07:34:30.966-04:00Great suggestions Matt and commenters. I also thin...Great suggestions Matt and commenters. I also think adding something about Emma's love interest would be a good idea. Maybe even talk about the Guardians and their enemies... just a thought. Your word count is only around 210 so you have room to add a bit more specifics if you're aiming for 250. Just my 2c. <br /><br /> Good job girl! (:Elise Fallsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14734537117333738468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-90305047611379816022012-08-31T06:55:45.540-04:002012-08-31T06:55:45.540-04:00Just needs some passion behind it - that will help...Just needs some passion behind it - that will help bring out the voice.<br />Great suggestions! Jessica was so worried...Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-43355114644303702502012-08-31T06:49:13.503-04:002012-08-31T06:49:13.503-04:00I agree completely with Matt on most of this feedb...I agree completely with Matt on most of this feedback. You must keep in mind that you are competing with thousands of other hopefuls, and this one page letter is your first impression--and possibly your only chance to intrigue. Fair or unfair, this is it. So ...<br /><br />Many, MANY agents have stated that beginning a query with so-and-so "thought she as an average girl until ..." is highly cliched at this point, so I'd stay away from that opener if I were you. Unfortunately, going to a new school for kids with special powers is also very frequently done, so I'm afraid that you are already at a disadvantage in making this stand out. Especially when the kid who ends up at the school for special powers has the last name "Potter." You DON'T want the agent to chuckle and think "Any relation to Harry?"<br /><br />The key to overcoming this disadvantage and showing the agent that your story has not been done thousands of times before is to really hone the voice, the details, and the specificity. Don't start with "average girl"--I'd actually suggest opening with the first day of school and detailing why it's not exactly the beginning she expected or hoped for (because, you know, never mind finding her locker--she's got to figure out how to walk down the hall without exploding the joint with her thoughts, and forget trig--she's got to figure out how to get an A in Mystical Assassination Techniques I<--I'm obviously just making that up, but what I'm suggesting is that you SHOW the mysterious world Emma's thrust into rather than telling us it's mysterious). Also--do you realize the only character you introduce us to is Emma? You never mention anyone else specifically--not a love interest, or a friend, or a mean kid or a villain or her parents or a teacher ... this is a major sign that the query is way too vague. <br /><br />I suspect that beneath this vague query is a truly unique and fascinating story. It's hinted at here--I can tell it's in there! The problem is that a hint is not enough, and the one thing I disagree with Matt on is that this query will get past agents' screeners as is. It's too generic. I suggest you start over and use the basic structure you have, because it's quite good, and so is the writing. However, instead of vague generalizations, be super-specific. Every single sentence should belong in only your query because it's unique to your story. That shouldn't make it much longer, but it will make it more compelling and interesting.<br /><br />Best of luck with this--you're doing the right thing by seeking feedback. I think this has a ton of potential, and that with the right rewrite, you'll be getting requests! <br /><br />Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06636585111057799728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-62553519441469594832012-08-31T06:46:50.472-04:002012-08-31T06:46:50.472-04:00Another good query made better. Thanks Matt and Je...Another good query made better. Thanks Matt and Jessica.farawayeyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17578277501054242356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-29436474066217029432012-08-31T06:42:37.101-04:002012-08-31T06:42:37.101-04:00I didn't understand the first sentence until I...I didn't understand the first sentence until I blinked a few times and noticed your blue 'who'. Other than that eye rubbing confusion, I think your comments clearly make the right points.Karen Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01522178275164058849noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-33474108434772738332012-08-31T06:40:20.395-04:002012-08-31T06:40:20.395-04:00"Timmy is brilliant," Beth said.
Also,..."Timmy is brilliant," Beth said. <br /><br />Also, I think the comments are spot on. While everything is there, when I first read, I thought the same about the opening. IT could be stronger. But it's easily fixable. <br /><br />Great job!Candylandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08956196611348299424noreply@blogger.com