tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post7546279914807187689..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Marcy Hatch's Current Query CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-40920194196371550192012-11-12T15:37:21.113-05:002012-11-12T15:37:21.113-05:00Really good comments, Matt. I think with query le...Really good comments, Matt. I think with query letters it's always a toss up with what agents want. <br /><br />Kass's story sounds really intriguing too. Fingers crossed, Marcy!<br /><br />Mina Burrowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14483363743530076604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-22408943183686353462012-11-11T08:45:57.604-05:002012-11-11T08:45:57.604-05:00Late as usual, but still wanted to say, I liked th...Late as usual, but still wanted to say, I liked the original enough I would read the book. I do think a little more clarity on the good news/bad news personas would be helpful and I too was a little confused by the 'fall', as in falling off/into/onto what?<br /><br />Thanks Marcy and Matt.farawayeyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17578277501054242356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-31242648366824410662012-11-09T20:33:32.997-05:002012-11-09T20:33:32.997-05:00Thank you everyone for your suggestions and commen...Thank you everyone for your suggestions and comments! I truly appreciate it. And Matt, as always, your crit was spot on. I know what I need to do now to make this really shine. THANK YOU!!!!<br /><br />mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-29568573066959051032012-11-09T16:36:14.398-05:002012-11-09T16:36:14.398-05:00I've already given Marcy feedback on this quer...I've already given Marcy feedback on this query before now, so I won't add much here. But Marcy, if you remember, I was a little unsure about that good news/bad news paragraph, too. I really liked it, but somehow it bothered me.<br /><br />Maine Character hit the nail on the head: It would be perfect on a book jacket. That's why I like it so much. But an agent will want a better sense of what to expect in the manuscript, so explaining who these people are and their role in the story is better than a catchy line, for their purpose.<br /><br />Also, the stakes for Kass are important. One of the commentators assumed she is dead, and that's not the gist of the story. So you may need to spell out the real situation. (Which I won't reveal here. Sorry everybody. Yes, I've read it. :D )Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-89766819434931047172012-11-09T14:41:45.453-05:002012-11-09T14:41:45.453-05:00GREAT post! Fantastic feedback and I like how you ...GREAT post! Fantastic feedback and I like how you set it inside the letter itself. This is my first time seeing your handywork. Love it. Actively stalking starting now :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02761957626470404637noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-56806723391615033972012-11-09T14:36:49.351-05:002012-11-09T14:36:49.351-05:00And I forgot to mention--I've been to Cave Cre...And I forgot to mention--I've been to Cave Creek--it's a cutesy little town. :)Angela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-2907715995298929042012-11-09T14:36:09.117-05:002012-11-09T14:36:09.117-05:00I really do love the query and the idea behind the...I really do love the query and the idea behind the story! That said, I'll tap in to what Matt said about vagueness. When I read this yesterday, a few phrases jumped out at me as overly familiar. <br /><br /><br /><i>The last thing X remembers<br />miraculously survived<br />Stranger still<br />something is terribly wrong<br />reveal the truth<br />figure out what happened</i><br /><br />These bits are the sort of generic type hooks you often see in taglines for books and movies. I'm thinking of the agent here who has already read 100 queries before she hits yours...you want her to feel your story is unique, and that the writing is fresh. Because of this, I would try to eliminate as many of these as possible so they don't ring of 'similarity' if that makes sense. <br /><br />I think the first one you can get away with, because it's super important to the storyline, but I still flagged it because it was the first sort of 'generic' line that stood out to me. I think the last one you can keep as well, but the others I would really try to create some fresh turns of phrase and specificity. Hope this helps! <br /><br />Angela :)<br />Angela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-30628792920046749372012-11-09T13:32:35.198-05:002012-11-09T13:32:35.198-05:00I really like this query, but what I wanted was a ...I really like this query, but what I wanted was a slight clairification of the initial fall in the first sentence. Is she falling and hitting her head in a living room? Or falling off a plane? It's a great hook, but I can't picture it, which means I have trouble locating the story and character at first. Something like "the last thing she remembered was falling off the cliff" creates a much more precise picture, allowing me to more clearly see the character and setting. As a reader I always want to see what's happening, not merely understand it in an abstract sense.<br /><br />Anyway, I love the idea and love the hook. A touch of streamlining and voila!Bryan Russellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09555071335245492790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-84360377110655674592012-11-09T10:26:12.538-05:002012-11-09T10:26:12.538-05:00Great story premise and great critique. The stakes...Great story premise and great critique. The stakes are unclear here. She's already dead, so what's the result if the bad guy/gal get's her story? Is she trying to track down her murderer? Might he murder again? Is this even a murder mystery? I'm intrigued, but I don't know that I'd go to the trouble of checking this book out of the library or buying it without a few more tantalizing details/understanding of the enormity of her situation. I want her death to be relevant to what's happening in the world of the living and for her to be fighting for something important <br /><br />Make sense?Kim Van Sicklerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04957877837203134260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-26011551649611904322012-11-09T10:04:05.766-05:002012-11-09T10:04:05.766-05:00Great query, but I agree with Matt, you need more ...Great query, but I agree with Matt, you need more specifics, especially the part about who the someone is. If he's a boy, then it hints at romance. <br /><br />Nevermind the food and drink. I just want it to stop snowing. Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-92182263843556665372012-11-09T09:13:23.992-05:002012-11-09T09:13:23.992-05:00Amazing advice. I, too, would like to hear about w...Amazing advice. I, too, would like to hear about who exactly is on her side. I did think that was vague. Other than that, fix this thing up, and get it out, I wanna read this thing!Megan Handhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02112047358177011980noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-62613632147280323382012-11-09T08:38:03.829-05:002012-11-09T08:38:03.829-05:00I agree with your comments Matt and also Sarah'...I agree with your comments Matt and also Sarah's about the last few paragraphs. This is really intriguing but a little too vague, especially in the later paragraphs to know what the problem and the stakes are.<br /><br />And I can so relate to the damn phone. Not looking to going to work soon and dealing with mine.Natalie Aguirrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03756087804171246660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-39766873238310390282012-11-09T08:28:10.024-05:002012-11-09T08:28:10.024-05:00I’d add what she fell from in the first sentence, ...I’d add what she fell from in the first sentence, otherwise we don’t get the sense that she’s outside. You could even say she was out there climbing the Tower to get away from her bossy mother, or something like that, to give some character and sympathy.<br /><br />Since she wakes up in the dark, you don’t need to say it’s hours later.<br /><br />Really like the second paragraph – the mystery and how it’s revealed.<br /><br />I'd like to know who she left behind, what her relations with them were like, or if she tracks them down in the present time.<br /><br />Finally, the someone on her side and someone else is a bit vague – good for a book jacket, but I'd really like to see more details.<br /><br />So yeah, sounds great, and good luck!<br /><br />Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-87121732819506740612012-11-09T08:09:04.641-05:002012-11-09T08:09:04.641-05:00Like Matt, I immediately thought of Mara Dyer too,...Like Matt, I immediately thought of Mara Dyer too, and since that series is HUGE and her full name is in every title, you are immediately putting yourself at a disadvantage by having a last name and title so similar. You want to be original!<br /><br />Now, I have to say, the first part of this query really excited me. It has this fascinating Rip Van Winkle creepiness that totally hooked me. <br /><br />But then--vague. The good news/bad news paragraph both frustrated me and put me off. I suggest either not mentioning these people or actually saying who they are. Otherwise, I'm afraid it does spoil a query that started out astoundingly strong.<br /><br />I also think you need to give the agent a better sense of the stakes. What's the risk if she doesn't get back home? How does she know getting back home is even possible? You say "where she went", like she's been somewhere else for 10 years instead of this being a time-travel thing--but there's no hint of the implications of that, and it seems important! Basically, we don't have a clear sense of what's at stake for Kass and what her choices are. <br /><br />I think this query has tons of potential and the story sounds fabulous, so if you can rework the second half of this letter, I believe you'll really have something!! Best of luck!Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06636585111057799728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-19153311104109641512012-11-09T08:06:54.946-05:002012-11-09T08:06:54.946-05:00Spot-on as always. Agree we need to know something...Spot-on as always. Agree we need to know something about the somebodies. (Wow, that was vague, wasn't it?)Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.com