tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post4750857767672586126..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Augustine Chan's Current Query CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-74537785855620285972014-04-26T06:23:08.691-04:002014-04-26T06:23:08.691-04:00My initial reactions, without reading everyone els...My initial reactions, without reading everyone else's comments:<br /><br />First, and I hate myself for saying this, but I'm not picking up adult vibe from the query. I understand that having a 12-year-old protagonist doesn't make this a kids' book, but it really doesn't feel like an adult book, either.<br /><br />Second, there's a curious part of the query where you tell us that Daniel has everything going for him, after telling us how hard life is for him. It's a little at odds. I think you've got a good story in here, and you write well, but the query lacks...urgency, I think. It needs a little more 'pop' to it, in my opinion. It feels a little too remote.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing, and best of luck!JeffOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947660745120963286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-47580371063985216812014-04-25T17:08:20.054-04:002014-04-25T17:08:20.054-04:00
Dear [ ],
[I am querying you because you are the ...<br />Dear [ ],<br />[I am querying you because you are the author of my favorite books. (xx)]<br /> I am seeking representation for THINK OF THE CHILDREN, which is told over the span of a single, pivotal day. Daniel Hoover, a twelve-year old latch-key kid who lives in a rural Midwestern town, has a special bond with his single mother, but she holds down three part-time jobs and he never sees her. In her absence, he looks after his mentally-challenged younger, he keeps the household running, and he balances his mother’s checkbook. In spite of this, he has never been in trouble at school and manages to become a division-level wrestling champion with an unblemished academic record.<br /><br />Daniel has everything going for him. Except that he trips over words when he talks, rendering him awkward during conversations despite his large vocabulary. And except for no parental supervision, which he craves. Look beyond it. His life will change completely if he wins a sports scholarship to the elite Fieldstone Place Academy. Then he’ll be able to rise above his family’s staggering poverty and the weight of his mother’s expectations. Today, a recruiter plans to visit to watch him during practice and to informally interviewing him after. But the school bully, Sammy, makes do on his threat that he’ll ruin the interview, resulting in Daniel and Sammy fighting during practice and Daniel striking Sammy so hard by accident that Sammy has to go to the hospital. <br />All of a sudden, Daniel’s fists become a way to express himself. He uses them to destroy school property. He uses them to take his aggression out on his brother. And he uses them to punch a glass door so hard that it renders his entire wrestling career over. By the end of the day, Daniel is kicked off the team and expelled from school <br />Do it again. Look beyond it. With the deepest sorrow, Daniel knows he has to face and accept this new life that’s been dealt to him. When the pain over his losses is so acute that you have to say that. When he has lost everything for which he holds dear. When he has lost everything that he has fought so hard to attain. <br />THINK OF THE CHILDREN, an adult coming-of-age debut that’s complete at 97,000 words, is a critical dissection of a child’s indomitable spirit and fire against all odds, a story of hardship and hard-won triumph, and a tale about how school bullying can irrevocably alter one’s entire being. The book captures, without flinching, those moments in the day of a life forever altered by the actions we do and do not take; and the story of a person turned away from his natural path, turned to a new way of being. It will appeal to fans of Tobias Wolff’s This Boy’s Life and, more recently, Jean Kwok’s Girl in Translation, as well as the character ‘Mick’ from The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.<br /> <br />I received my MFA from Columbia and for three years I was the assistant to the editor of Prize Stories: The O. Henry Awards. Twice I was a writing fellow at the writer’s colony, Artcroft. <br />Thank you for taking the time to consider my work, and look forward to hearing from you.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Augustine Reyes Chan<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05380497275443243004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-68231701750571284992014-04-25T13:28:26.643-04:002014-04-25T13:28:26.643-04:00From reading it yesterday:
A couple things seemed...From reading it yesterday:<br /><br />A couple things seemed off, like how it all comes down to one event on one day (or at least that's all we're told about). As an agent, I'd want more build-up over time, or else it sounds like a short story.<br /><br />It's not the writer's job to say how good their writing is, as in "deeply moving."<br /><br />I do really like this part, though: "those moments in the day of a life forever altered by the actions we do and do not take; and the story of a person turned away from his natural path, turned to a new way of being." That sounded cool.<br /><br />Just read your comments, and yep on them all. And agree with Dianne on the "cautionary tale."Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-29051753800847471042014-04-25T11:25:24.263-04:002014-04-25T11:25:24.263-04:00I agree with the comments above. Try to get more o...I agree with the comments above. Try to get more of your writing style into the query, and be very specific about the conflict and the stakes. Don't worry about giving away spoilers. The agent WANTS to know those spoilers, so he/she will know whether or not the book is something to request. Remember, they might read 100 queries in one day. Whatever makes your book stand out -- put it in the query! Stand out!<br /><br />I would also caution you about using the words "a cautionary tale." (Ha!) You don't want your work to sound like a book that teaches a lesson. You want to make it sound like a book that's a wonderful and engaging read. Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-18838089620334264222014-04-25T09:43:47.867-04:002014-04-25T09:43:47.867-04:00Yeah, it needs more voice and personality. Agree i...Yeah, it needs more voice and personality. Agree it was a dry read.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-19808659200963655172014-04-25T09:27:13.328-04:002014-04-25T09:27:13.328-04:00Yeah Matt said everything i said. It does read a l...Yeah Matt said everything i said. It does read a little dry and i think that's due to word choice like Matt said.<br /><br />I'm also not getting as much conflict as i'd like. Yes his life is tough, adn yes there's one day where maybe he can get out of it, but that one day just pops up at the end. And if it's a novel about bullying, i really feel like the bullying, then, should be present much sooner in the query, as opposed to the second to last sentence, which makes it seem more like an afterthought.<br /><br />Good luck!Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-84988014771055642682014-04-25T09:10:09.855-04:002014-04-25T09:10:09.855-04:00The story sounds interesting but I don't think... The story sounds interesting but I don't think the query as is shows that enough. I think Matt pretty much covered all the ways to improve it and the only thing I'd add are the three Cs: character, conflict, and choice. The character part is good but if I were an agent I'd want to know specifically where the conflict is. I assume it comes after the terrible moment but I want to know more and I really want to know what choice the mc has to make in order to get his life back. <br /><br />Great crit, Matt - as always.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.com