tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post4691387686541326696..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Devin Cushman's Current Query CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-34538751661888046022012-02-24T19:53:50.123-05:002012-02-24T19:53:50.123-05:00I'll be the contrarian. For this story I would...I'll be the contrarian. For this story I would not follow the conventional wisdom of starting with the character. While your character might be awesome, it is the premise that's intriguing to me. I would open with something like, "In a fiery burst of orange and purple, a solar flare erupts across the sky, giving only a small group of teenagers supernatural abilities." Then I'd get to character and include a little more about Avery.<br /><br />While not serving the exact same purpose as a query letter, the jacket copy for The Hunger Games doesn't mention Katniss until the second paragraph because the concept is so appealing. <br /><br />You might also gain an advantage by sticking out in a pile of query letters that start with "Rosanna's a sixteen-year-old gourmand who loves nothing more than stuffing her face when..."<br /><br />Give 'em something new.<br /><br /><br /><br />ThenPaul Michael Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17318098111985714443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-67361909929468013882012-02-23T02:20:12.786-05:002012-02-23T02:20:12.786-05:00Ok, I've revised my query and posted it on my ...Ok, I've revised my query and posted it on my blog... <br /><br />http://cushmancairo.blogspot.com/<br /><br />Check it out and tell me what you think! :)mindthagaphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17489103158350388970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-48855997313611378202012-02-23T00:39:28.331-05:002012-02-23T00:39:28.331-05:00Thank you so much Matt for the helpful critique. ...Thank you so much Matt for the helpful critique. And thanks for all the responders as well! This group is so positive and uplifting. I really appreciate the tips and comments. :)<br /><br />I agree that I need to flesh out Avery's character more and what the Amps are... Here's a quick question for anyone still reading... Avery's Amp is one of the big mysteries throughout the story, she doesn't know what it really does. Should I focus on that or tell you about some of the other amazing things kids can do?<br /><br />thanks again!mindthagaphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17489103158350388970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-90146811356752560102012-02-22T21:42:05.991-05:002012-02-22T21:42:05.991-05:00Nice job, Devin and Matt. Sounds like a great stor...Nice job, Devin and Matt. Sounds like a great story.M Paxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14096697282530998519noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-9513090422377358382012-02-22T21:22:39.040-05:002012-02-22T21:22:39.040-05:00Nice comments. I would have liked a little more de...Nice comments. I would have liked a little more detail on why seeing an image when touched is considered a power, and not a form of synesthesia - which is a neurological disorder. <br /><br />But it's still quite good. More detail on the powers associated with the solar flare perhaps for clarification.Rusty Carlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09887821877521181811noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-8945925149210589892012-02-22T21:09:06.877-05:002012-02-22T21:09:06.877-05:00First of all, "Ishta" is such a cool nam...First of all, "Ishta" is such a cool name! Looking forward to her contributions.<br /><br />Maybe I'm just a science geek, but I hope there's a good explanation for a solar flare able to seen in the sky. If it's a true solar flare, the Earth is toast.<br /><br />Also, the term "guinea pig" is an overused cliche term in paranormal stories. Maybe change that to "Avery has no intention of being dissected." Something more specific, dramatic, and dangerous.<br /><br />I'm in total agreement with Matt on everything he pointed out.<br /><br />My only real issue is: what is exactly this Amp power? Is it just the Psychometry that Avery possesses? Or do the others have other kinds of freaky powers?Jay Noelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04757777693161610861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-90089243355745624862012-02-22T21:07:55.969-05:002012-02-22T21:07:55.969-05:00Reading the queries and comments here always makes...Reading the queries and comments here always makes me feel happy and hopeful. <br />I agree with the one or two clues about the main character. Is she normally shy? Pragmatic to a fault? Secretly wishing for a super power? Give us a sense of who she is before the Flare.<br />Thank you for helping us learn, and be safe in Cairo!Kristen Pelfreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16597847659067142053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-48132876926321773472012-02-22T19:05:47.830-05:002012-02-22T19:05:47.830-05:00The partnership is a great idea!!!!
I love the pr...The partnership is a great idea!!!!<br /><br />I love the premise too. Awesome advice as always, Matt. You covered everything. :D<br /><br /><br />Good luck Devin with querying!Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-13207950934647518432012-02-22T18:44:11.075-05:002012-02-22T18:44:11.075-05:00I love the premise of this. I think Matt's adv...I love the premise of this. I think Matt's advice is great.Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-22851141336629753252012-02-22T18:12:36.457-05:002012-02-22T18:12:36.457-05:00Really like this idea and query. Sounds like Retu...Really like this idea and query. Sounds like Return to Witch Mountain crossed with Red Dawn.<br /><br />The only problems I had with the query were how the largest solar flares are no larger than the width of the sun. Maybe you mean a super-strong aurora caused by a huge, satellite-dropping burst of solar wind from a solar flare. (If it <i>was</i> a solar flare, which I doubt since the government couldn't exactly pull that off.) So you probably got this covered - what the news is saying vs. what it really was.<br /><br />Also, this: They must learn why the Flare only affected teenagers.<br /><br />I'd think their biggest concern would be what the heck being Amped is and what to do with it and how not to hurt anyone or themselves with it. In trying to answer that, they'd go looking for clues and focus on how only they got Amped.<br /><br />Really like how you have her face her biggest fear, which is always key, and how it will unlock her gift. How she's not going all super-power, look-at-me with it. Very cool.Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-38760209116653760922012-02-22T17:17:41.553-05:002012-02-22T17:17:41.553-05:00Love the concept behind this story - and the title...Love the concept behind this story - and the title rocks too. Great advice as usual, Matt - I don't think this one will take much polish to shine! :)Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-58115559966113552212012-02-22T16:16:30.695-05:002012-02-22T16:16:30.695-05:00Matt has some great comments here, and I agree wit...Matt has some great comments here, and I agree with everything he says.<br /><br />The one thing that's missing in this query for me is a personal connection to Avery. I don't know anything about her as a person, rather than as a member of a group. I'd like to see Avery emerge from this query as a stand-out character, rather than just the name of your protagonist.<br /><br />Good luck with this! Like many others here, I think it's a great title!Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-85021567380079366872012-02-22T15:25:24.117-05:002012-02-22T15:25:24.117-05:00I would delete the word "suddenly". I...I would delete the word "suddenly". I've read that this single word is a huge flag for book professionals that the author is a weak writer. You can use it in your story...I just think you should find another way of expressing an astonishing turn of events than "suddenly" in something as important as a query.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-62848594109876612592012-02-22T14:03:31.639-05:002012-02-22T14:03:31.639-05:00Great critique... I'm getting used to your sty...Great critique... I'm getting used to your style, it makes it a lot easier to see the direction you intend for each of these.Sub Radar (Mike)https://www.blogger.com/profile/15558160466204000617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-53792800578332514862012-02-22T13:06:11.908-05:002012-02-22T13:06:11.908-05:00Excellent advice as always. Agree about the first ...Excellent advice as always. Agree about the first paragraph, especially the first line. Throws a red flag right off the bat.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-39188171656489523532012-02-22T12:14:04.356-05:002012-02-22T12:14:04.356-05:00I think this query sounds amazing. The one thing I...I think this query sounds amazing. The one thing I'd like to see is one line setting it apart from other dystopianish novels. Maybe focus on the different Amp's abilities?Johanna Garthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15515478890074610814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-1064350539002757182012-02-22T12:10:24.881-05:002012-02-22T12:10:24.881-05:00I think this sounds like a really interesting stor...I think this sounds like a really interesting story. I think Matt's comments are dead-on. At first I thought just combining the first two sentences (only using 'when' instead of 'in' for first word), but if you are adding some description, I think I'd beging with 'Avery Lancaster is just an XYZ high school student until a solar flare causes her to..."Hart Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17599570189253229318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-91426918558585705252012-02-22T12:02:20.637-05:002012-02-22T12:02:20.637-05:00Great points, Matthew. I definitely agree with the...Great points, Matthew. I definitely agree with the beginning; just jump right into the action.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-67799298387436285162012-02-22T11:50:27.605-05:002012-02-22T11:50:27.605-05:00Matt is spot on again. My biggest thought was, i&#...Matt is spot on again. My biggest thought was, i'd like more details about her amped power and why it effects her so negatively, why she's so afraid to embrace them to save herself and the others.<br />If you can answer that for me in the query, then you're pretty good for me.Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-34633569539536563362012-02-22T11:19:51.695-05:002012-02-22T11:19:51.695-05:00This sounds like a fun story and I definitely agre...This sounds like a fun story and I definitely agree with starting the query out with the main character rather than the flare - like Julie said :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-87492246803422130042012-02-22T11:19:30.360-05:002012-02-22T11:19:30.360-05:00Great suggestions Matthew. I also agree with Jessi...Great suggestions Matthew. I also agree with Jessica, I was left wondering more about the AMPS. Did each kid have different ones, and if so how does Avery's make her special? Thanks again, sounds like a great book.Jessica Salyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00227752359369023249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-80881876530827690252012-02-22T11:07:38.168-05:002012-02-22T11:07:38.168-05:00Wow, the story sounds amazing. I agree that the op...Wow, the story sounds amazing. I agree that the opening should be tweaked to include character first, then inciting incident, and then conflict. <br /><br />But otherwise I think it's great. Nice word choices here, Devin (by the way, I have a son with the same name, so the gender mix up is understandable!)Julie Musilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02150454913885915017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-17020376382616153612012-02-22T10:41:35.266-05:002012-02-22T10:41:35.266-05:00This is an awesome query, and I pretty much agree ...This is an awesome query, and I pretty much agree with everything Matt said.<br /><br />I did wonder about the line in your opening when you say that Avery can see haunting images when she's touched. Did you mean, once she is touched by some force that resulted from the solar flare? Or did you mean that literally every time someone touches her, she sees haunting images? Or something else? I was a little unclear on how that works.<br /><br />Other than that, as Matt said, just a little polishing will shine this beauty up.<br /><br />Good luck!Ishta Mercuriohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17776946702988283453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-16600650052599527792012-02-22T10:34:41.317-05:002012-02-22T10:34:41.317-05:00Great query, Devin. I think you query is real clos...Great query, Devin. I think you query is real close to being ready. I agree with everything Matt pointed out. I'll admit I love your first sentence, but it sounds like a line from your novel - perhaps too descriptive for a query. Like others have said, we need to meet Avery right off the bat so that we'll care what happens to her.<br /><br />Good luck! Your novel sounds exactly like one I'd like to read. I visited your blog earlier and I'm a new follower. Your pictures are gorgeous!Suzie F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/09560250678212373878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-2381720679772399952012-02-22T10:32:12.755-05:002012-02-22T10:32:12.755-05:00I was just over on Devin's blog, and I am hook...I was just over on Devin's blog, and I am hooked. You're not surprised, are you, Matt? I <3 Egypt, Jordan, etc.<br /><br />RE: The query. 1) I agree with Matt's points, as usual. It's a good, tight query. 2)This sounds like a great story, and I actually like that we don't get lost in a tangent about the the flare and all the different Amps. However, James Dashner also has "the flare" in his series, The Maze Runner, so maybe switching the name of the affliction with something different is a good idea. <br />Hope this helps!Carolyn Abiadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10567399129586443513noreply@blogger.com