tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post2887070579635424669..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: DL Hammons' Current Query CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-84143619713292890362012-01-23T01:22:12.961-05:002012-01-23T01:22:12.961-05:00Coming to this very late, but overall this is grea...Coming to this very late, but overall this is great letter that I think just a few minor changes would set to rights. <br /><br />No question marks or exclamation points. Every sentence should end with a period. In the second paragraph I think you can eliminate "and distrustful of outsiders..." They're reeling so all of that after is implied. <br /><br />I also think that fiend should be changed to psychopath or something more contemporary sounding. <br /><br />Overall this is great and I wish you all the best with this story and query.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04443736284850057306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-33775240959769370022012-01-22T22:57:15.577-05:002012-01-22T22:57:15.577-05:00Another excellent critique, Matt. I especially app...Another excellent critique, Matt. I especially appreciate your discussion on voice and how all queries shouldn't sound the same because they need to match their genres.Donna K. Weaverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15763832177263927311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-11435260072398029452012-01-22T08:51:51.780-05:002012-01-22T08:51:51.780-05:00I think this is pretty well done although I entire...I think this is pretty well done although I entirely agree with the fiend line. When I read that I was picturing some sort of sci fi creature and I am not sure that is exactly what was meant. Matt those were awesome suggestions!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-8100418298296539202012-01-21T21:48:09.698-05:002012-01-21T21:48:09.698-05:00Great critique, Matthew.
The one thing that jumped...Great critique, Matthew.<br />The one thing that jumped out at me was the number of proper nouns. There are lots of character names, place names, organization names. It seems like a lot to keep track of when reading a two paragraph pitch.Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-83398572990098133742012-01-21T19:16:14.222-05:002012-01-21T19:16:14.222-05:00Reading through the comments, I don't think th...Reading through the comments, I don't think there's much left for me to say. I agreed with some of the other commenters that you could cut words so it's less of a synopsis and more of a pitch. I liked their suggestions (is that vague enough for you?).<br /><br />Still, I think you (DL) did a great job for starters. Queries are hard! And your book sounds interesting, so definitely a plus!Janet Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12688012956157161889noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-69418529996211959262012-01-21T15:45:48.985-05:002012-01-21T15:45:48.985-05:00I'm late coming to read this, and there have a...I'm late coming to read this, and there have already been a lot of good comments here. I think a little tighter would be good, but the story sounds great. :)Lydia Kanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00484415427764822386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-62590992208077793752012-01-21T09:03:24.339-05:002012-01-21T09:03:24.339-05:00Once again, thank you EVERYONE for all of the valu...Once again, thank you EVERYONE for all of the valuable comments. I'm going to use this input over the next couple days and take a scalpel to my query for some nips and tucks!<br /><br />Enjoy your weekend!DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-82480095554561072652012-01-21T07:10:05.205-05:002012-01-21T07:10:05.205-05:00Really thorough, Matt. I agree on the numbers ques...Really thorough, Matt. I agree on the numbers questions, but all in all, I want to read this book! The query does a good job of hooking me. <br /><br />It's interesting, this is the fourth time this week past vs. present tense has come up on a blog, and there seem to be very few present-tensers in the world. I am one, and since I am chronologically challenged when I write, I tend to write in present for now and past for then... Which could be OCD over a style preference... I also always and an even number of chapters.ShaunaKelleyWriteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04654367734305011629noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-16086268584425889892012-01-21T00:02:12.814-05:002012-01-21T00:02:12.814-05:00Sounds good, but I was lost with how the poison is...Sounds good, but I was lost with how the poison is connected to the hacker, and then it seems to jump tracks again with the school shooting (especially since it wouldn't seem to tie into a cybercrime cover-up, such as a shooting at a bank, which might be a cover for something else).<br /><br />And I'd cut "other" from "other offerings" or, better, do like Matt says.<br /><br />Just read everyone else's comments, and thanks to DL for chipping in. Good luck!Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-16885748667122088352012-01-20T23:42:11.938-05:002012-01-20T23:42:11.938-05:00Damn you're good Matt! I thought it was a fin...Damn you're good Matt! I thought it was a fine query the way it was, but I think your suggestions are right. You are indeed a discriminating reader.<br /><br /><br />Lee<br /><a href="http://wrotebyrote.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Wrote By Rote</a>Arlee Birdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11663942782929929334noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-59768643912903039002012-01-20T23:07:11.596-05:002012-01-20T23:07:11.596-05:00Nice job, Don and Matt! I am very intrigued by thi...Nice job, Don and Matt! I am very intrigued by this premise, which is the main point of a query letter. I agree with Matt's comments; I don't really have anything else to add. <br /><br />Definitely a good point about voice in the query matching the voice and genre of your book. I noticed someone asked about this in the comments of my query, and you addressed this point at the beginning of the post.<br /><br />Great job Matt and good luck with querying, Don!alexiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07122487552931794871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-33625082243590549302012-01-20T21:59:39.618-05:002012-01-20T21:59:39.618-05:00I'm not familiar with query letters at all, bu...I'm not familiar with query letters at all, but I sure want to read that book! Sounds exactly like the stories I most enjoy. Just stopping by at one my fellow hosts' hangout to say "hi".<br /><br /><a href="http://kmdlifeisgood.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Tina @ Life is Good</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/" rel="nofollow">Co-Host of the April 2012 Blogging from A to Z Challenge</a><br /><br /><br />Twitter: #atozchallengeTinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08925730745204736744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-56560958381044841732012-01-20T20:21:38.556-05:002012-01-20T20:21:38.556-05:00Good advice Matt! I agree that DL's query is d...Good advice Matt! I agree that DL's query is definitely on the right road and just needs a little polish :)<br /><br />I only wonder about the present tense thing. As I understand it, present tense is the usual & expected tense.Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-65775630792184005882012-01-20T19:14:23.380-05:002012-01-20T19:14:23.380-05:00Lordy! I thought writing was hard. I can't wai...Lordy! I thought writing was hard. I can't wait until you critique my query...if I ever write one.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12160669603997465454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-28581412961345520742012-01-20T18:30:36.600-05:002012-01-20T18:30:36.600-05:00Good job both Matt and DL. I was going to point o...Good job both Matt and DL. I was going to point out that I think most queries are present tense, are they not? But I saw someone else pointed that out too. <br /><br />The poison part was too vague for me, and maybe explaining the numebers a little more would cut down on confusion? Other than that, it looks great, and Matt gave some really great suggestions.Abby Minardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11963640263845561309noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-25507857299592818942012-01-20T18:22:56.646-05:002012-01-20T18:22:56.646-05:00I'm here to learn from everyone, so I can'...I'm here to learn from everyone, so I can't really add to what's already been said. Nice job on the letter, DL, and Matt, as always, great job on the critique. I learn so much whenever I stop by!Julie Musilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02150454913885915017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-31848218995785215632012-01-20T16:54:38.844-05:002012-01-20T16:54:38.844-05:00JeffO hit my major concern with DL's query: It...JeffO hit my major concern with DL's query: It sounds like a very concise synopsis to me, rather than a baited hook for the agent.<br /><br />Rather than tackle the story in sequence by "beginning with the beginning," DL might want to consider hitting the reader with a one line hook. (A vicious attack on an old college buddy draws Lee into the world of cybercrime and a school shooting.) Then back up a little and explain how Lee gets involved with Dianne, his friend's boss, in an investigation of a crime more complicated than it first appears.<br /><br />I guess I'm saying, consider an approach that's not strictly linear and resembles what you might find on the back cover of the book. You might find this eliminates the need to explain so much of the plot, and will give you a chance to show off your style and bait a hook for a book the agent has to request in order to read. Make sense?Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-74591236364110903242012-01-20T16:34:13.578-05:002012-01-20T16:34:13.578-05:00There are so many comments I can't think of an...There are so many comments I can't think of anymore to add. I will say I agree with Rachel and I don't think it's a thriller.Karen Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01522178275164058849noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-30849308693193994182012-01-20T15:16:13.043-05:002012-01-20T15:16:13.043-05:00Yeah, that comment about present tense threw me, M...Yeah, that comment about present tense threw me, Matthew. Queries should always be third person, present tense. <br /><br />Don, you have many great comments here and I agree with them all. One thing though, you should try to keep your adjectives (and adverbs obviously) to the barest minimum. Let the action of the verbs set the tone and create urgency. This will reflect well on your manuscript, as well. <br /><br />And I think you can tighten up your sentences considerably, rephrase and eliminate all unnecessary words. Make each as short and concise as possible. If you do that, you can sneak more info in about those mysterious numbers. Personally, I think the hook paragraph should end after the motto, then start the next by backtracking into who Steven is. Delete all last names and only use city names, not states. <br /><br />Try to keep your ENTIRE query to 250 words +/-. Right now, you're closer to 400. When printed in formal letter format (not email format), you should be able to fit the entire thing onto one sheet of paper, including the date, all addresses, and salutations.<br /><br />All in all, I love the sound of your story! I write thrillers, too. We are few and far between! I wish you the best of luck and thank you for sharing.Nancy Thompsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05735642863696266005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-50742887224319589872012-01-20T15:15:48.359-05:002012-01-20T15:15:48.359-05:00Thanks for sharing your letter with us DL. Great c...Thanks for sharing your letter with us DL. Great critique Mathew. I haven't written a query letter yet, so I've been trying to guess what Matt will say. I got two things right, the tense change and the antagonist (didn't like the word fiend). With a few minor tweeks should be great. Good job DL.Jessica Salyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00227752359369023249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-86562876034752917602012-01-20T15:09:16.878-05:002012-01-20T15:09:16.878-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Jessica Salyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00227752359369023249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-19703273036497507952012-01-20T14:55:59.510-05:002012-01-20T14:55:59.510-05:00When I think of "The Voice" as you menti...When I think of "The Voice" as you mention here, I can only think of one thing...that it's on NBC following the Superbowl or something like that.<br /><br />I'm sure that's "the voice" by which you are speaking, right?Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-4305007205705341002012-01-20T13:32:01.171-05:002012-01-20T13:32:01.171-05:00I like the tone. I agree with Matt on tense. I pre...I like the tone. I agree with Matt on tense. I prefer 3rd person.<br /><br />I would think carefully about the Wizard/curtain/Kansas sentence. My opinion is to nuke it. I had to re-read it because I wondered what they were doing in Kansas in the first place.<br /><br />Also, drop all exclamation points, always, even in your manuscript, and use only under the extremest of circumstances!<br /><br />;)<br /><br />I remember you posted a critique request last year on this same piece. Was it here? Where did I read it? But I remember the Knight's motto, and it was a frat, right?<br /><br />What does that tell you, DL?<br /><br />It tells you the story is memorable, because I don't remember shit.<br /><br />Good job, better luck.<br /><br /><br /> - EricEric W. Tranthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13842968931062056407noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-17961597505092614352012-01-20T12:45:33.643-05:002012-01-20T12:45:33.643-05:00I've already given DL my thoughts on his query...I've already given DL my thoughts on his query. It's great to see others' opinions on this query. It's a TERRIFIC book. I love this series on your blog, Matt.Brindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09809660700359597836noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-54808333683474776872012-01-20T12:43:05.475-05:002012-01-20T12:43:05.475-05:00Whew! I staggered a minute at the 'no present ...Whew! I staggered a minute at the 'no present tense' comment, thinking I'd done mine all wrong. I have no other wisdom to add at this point; things have been covered. Thanks, DL and Matt, for helping us all learn.Barbara Watsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06547166495514562286noreply@blogger.com