tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post2505741767416655646..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Patricia Moussatche's Current Query Critiqued IIMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-78004269289684775242014-09-15T11:39:44.375-04:002014-09-15T11:39:44.375-04:00The title "Legacy of the Eye" is really ...The title "Legacy of the Eye" is really catchy.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-55251941517601658792014-09-04T00:49:26.802-04:002014-09-04T00:49:26.802-04:00I've been pretty invisible for quite some time...I've been pretty invisible for quite some time now, but so glad I stopped by today. Some excellent advice for both Patchi and me, as I'm finally back to editing and trying to get SOMETHING ready to query.<br /><br />This story has some great potential, and I hope the query can work to a great publishing deal.farawayeyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17578277501054242356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-2054489971884935772014-08-22T22:20:30.910-04:002014-08-22T22:20:30.910-04:00I was very interested in the original version. The...I was very interested in the original version. The revised version is even better!<br /><br />I've recently been reading about the history of South America, so I feel informed and invested with the premise. <br /><br />I love the concept behind this sentence, but not the grammar: But her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging and his baronet father executed for treason.<br /><br />Parallel phrases should have parallel structures. So if flogging is a "reward," executing should be its match. How about: But her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie by publicly flogging him and executing his baron father for treason.Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-52366867664243668692014-08-22T10:45:11.128-04:002014-08-22T10:45:11.128-04:00I really like the revised version. This sounds lik...I really like the revised version. This sounds like a fascinating, unique story. Fingers crossed for you, Patchi.Natalie Aguirrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03756087804171246660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-33835515467573735372014-08-22T10:42:45.034-04:002014-08-22T10:42:45.034-04:00Somebody needs to teach Word's grammar check t...Somebody needs to teach Word's grammar check that rule ;-)Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-32798980588787603942014-08-22T10:36:36.390-04:002014-08-22T10:36:36.390-04:00MUCH better! But you still need a dash between &qu...MUCH better! But you still need a dash between "seventeen" and "year-old." It's called a noun-phrase. "Seventeen-year-old" is a singular noun.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-58769982501658447732014-08-22T10:34:04.833-04:002014-08-22T10:34:04.833-04:00Thanks Matt!
Seventeen year-old Sophia de Paula ...Thanks Matt!<br /><br /><br />Seventeen year-old Sophia de Paula can sing like the rainforest bird she was named after. Born to a baron’s family in a world where interracial marriages are a means to recruit laborers for the sugarcane fields, Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping. She yearns for the freedom the natives enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.<br /><br />The only way to save the rainforest tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is to awaken the Water Goddess who disappeared after the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs she learned as a child. And Gavin, who Sophie used to think would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin. But her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging and his baronet father executed for treason.<br /><br />Although Sophie manages to sing the Goddess awake, she turns out to be more interested in fashion than politics. Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophie, the Goddess’s advice is to seek help elsewhere. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-80277832946488404312014-08-22T09:53:51.177-04:002014-08-22T09:53:51.177-04:00That's a bit better. And you can just precede ...That's a bit better. And you can just precede this paragraph with one more sentence: Sophie X is a seventeen-year-old X who does X better than anyone and loves Xing. <br /><br />Then follow with what you have above.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-68103573075531113722014-08-22T09:48:17.076-04:002014-08-22T09:48:17.076-04:00Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm thinking ...Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm thinking I should take the Grandmother out of the query to reduce the number of characters.<br /><br />Does the world become clearer if I open with:<br /><br />Born to a baron’s family in a world where interracial marriages are a means to recruit laborers for the sugarcane fields, seventeen year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping. She yearns for the freedom the rainforest tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.<br /><br />Or am I just making things more confusing? Although that doesn't address Matt's concern about character...Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-77573204663995237962014-08-22T08:14:20.123-04:002014-08-22T08:14:20.123-04:00This story sounds ridiculously interesting. The c...This story sounds ridiculously interesting. The clash between an indigenous tribal people and their colonial invaders has a lot of appeal. I think you do a decent job of presenting that conflict here, but I have two problems that really stood out to me:<br /><br />1. The name choices. Sophie sounds like she's one of the Easterners and not one of the tribal people. You do mention that she's trying to hide her tribal heritage, and if that's the case (and the reason for her name), maybe really drive that point home some way. You've got a great setup here for an internal conflict that mirrors the external conflict (Easterners vs Tribal people & Sophie's Eastern Heritage vs her tribal heritage). I'd play that up as it will help give Sophie's character more depth.<br /><br />2. Word choices. There are some wonky word choices in this query that really threw me off. "Groping attentions" just sounds really awkward. Is he trying to marry her? Trying to rape her? Constantly trying to lure her to a dark room to make out with her? I just couldn't get a sense of what you meant here. Be as specific as possible. <br />Another one was "Sophie's ravaging uncle," which confused me for a second and make me think he was the groping cousin from the first paragraph. How is this uncle "ravaging?" Is he slaughtering the tribal people? Is he taking their land? What exactly is he doing? Again, be specific. <br /><br />I feel like the thing that's really lacking is a feel for the world. You mention the tribal people versus Eastern invaders, but I don't really get a sense of how this world is set up yet. Did they colonize the land and enslave the people? Did they slaughter them? You don't want to get too much into the backstory of this world in a query, but a really concise line to give it context could really elevate the pitch.<br /><br />All in all, it's an intriguing story, and the bones of a great query are here, it just needs some tweaking :)<br /><br />Good luck!Shaun Hutchinsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01480241164653893038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-69625651269735477062014-08-22T07:58:51.543-04:002014-08-22T07:58:51.543-04:00Same concerns as you. Needs a reason to care about...Same concerns as you. Needs a reason to care about the characters. There is also a lot of characters mentioned and I was a bit confused where everyone fit into the story.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.com