tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post1590602024916027725..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Stella Telleria's Current Query II CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-46787276733983833122012-05-30T22:30:51.950-04:002012-05-30T22:30:51.950-04:00I think I'd like to read this book! Matt does ...I think I'd like to read this book! Matt does such a great job at the critique, that nobody else needs to do anything! That said, I don't think you need to specify that is had dueling POVs. I did that once in a query and the Query Shark Janet Reid said to take it out. So FWIW.Elana Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05877856005992028912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-82085503552610390232012-05-30T22:30:04.608-04:002012-05-30T22:30:04.608-04:00Thank you again, Matt, and everyone!! I was wonder...Thank you again, Matt, and everyone!! I was wondering a few things and would be forever grateful for some feedback. <br />#1- Does the Alice in Wonderland mention bother anyone else? I was debating taking it out.<br />#2- Does it feel like there should be more of a hint of romance in the Eben paragraph? Is it understood that he is the love interest?<br /><br />Thank you!!!Stella Telleriahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11990643131467271476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-86812544846402954502012-05-30T19:05:07.565-04:002012-05-30T19:05:07.565-04:00Excellent critique, Matt. I really did like that ...Excellent critique, Matt. I really did like that "mad left-hook" line and I wondered why I liked it less this time. You're right. The sentence before disconnects it to the fight scene at the beginning of the paragraph, so it doesn't carry its punny punch. (ha) A little more tweaking would be good there.Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-60354879726982743502012-05-30T16:35:26.378-04:002012-05-30T16:35:26.378-04:00Like everyone said, more specifics.
And maybe it&...Like everyone said, more specifics.<br /><br />And maybe it's just me, but this alliteration was distracting:<br /><br />The problem is the prey proposes...Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-77337103918554295672012-05-30T16:25:59.636-04:002012-05-30T16:25:59.636-04:00Great improvement from the first, and love the las...Great improvement from the first, and love the last paragraph! I don't have much to add from what has already been said, just that it's looking good, just a few more tweaks and you'll get it!Elise Fallsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14734537117333738468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-86016825806581106002012-05-30T16:07:02.764-04:002012-05-30T16:07:02.764-04:00I like Matt's suggestions, though there are a ...I like Matt's suggestions, though there are a few places that are still a little confusing to me even so. Love love love that last line.Donna K. Weaverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15763832177263927311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-18441068912736448622012-05-30T14:54:07.757-04:002012-05-30T14:54:07.757-04:00I do remember that killer line although agree it&#...I do remember that killer line although agree it's not as powerful now. Need to go back and read the original version.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-44075719046487506752012-05-30T13:17:31.852-04:002012-05-30T13:17:31.852-04:00Yep, hit the nail on the head there, Matthew. Much...Yep, hit the nail on the head there, Matthew. Much improved from the prior.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-60322346900068116622012-05-30T13:17:19.815-04:002012-05-30T13:17:19.815-04:00Ditto to most of the previous comments. The voice...Ditto to most of the previous comments. The voice shines through, which in my opinion is the first thing that's easily lost in a query, but there's too much confusion here to warrant a request. I didn't read the first version, but this one doesn't seem that far off from being ready.DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-77298105150310141252012-05-30T12:50:36.373-04:002012-05-30T12:50:36.373-04:00Great job Stella. I did get confused in paragraph ...Great job Stella. I did get confused in paragraph 1 and had to read it a few times to get it. So if you tighten it up a bit, you'll have a great query. Thanks for sharing it with us.Natalie Aguirrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03756087804171246660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-57940225295413405612012-05-30T12:33:34.597-04:002012-05-30T12:33:34.597-04:00Seems like some excellent advice to me. I love tha...Seems like some excellent advice to me. I love that 'reality check' line.<br /><br />Good luck with this.farawayeyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17578277501054242356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-4125696842935319102012-05-30T12:08:34.873-04:002012-05-30T12:08:34.873-04:00Is marine supposed to be capitalized? I don't ...Is marine supposed to be capitalized? I don't know so I'm drawing attention to it. I also am confused as to the second sentence and as Matt has pointed out, I think there needs to be more clarification.<br /><br />I don't think the Alice in Wonderland metaphor belongs in this query UNLESS your story is an homage to that story. <br /><br />Other than that, I think this query is really good.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-55877382856443703592012-05-30T11:57:39.889-04:002012-05-30T11:57:39.889-04:00Yep i'm with matt. If you can just clarify the...Yep i'm with matt. If you can just clarify the beginning where Matt pointed out, i think you'll be good. The voice is really great in this querySarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-83737471246946316572012-05-30T11:54:55.185-04:002012-05-30T11:54:55.185-04:00Yes, great voice here. I do agree that the button-...Yes, great voice here. I do agree that the button-click reference is a bit vague. The one thing that tripped my up though was the line about the utopia where freedom doesn't exist. The way you have it reads as an oxymoron. How can it be utopian if freedom is non-existent? I think you need to be careful about mixing those two references in one sentence. Overall, though, the story sounds fantastic. I think you're almost there!Nancy Thompsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05735642863696266005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-47407587096905324462012-05-30T10:42:10.998-04:002012-05-30T10:42:10.998-04:00Love the voice. This version is much better, it...Love the voice. This version is much better, it's almost there!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-25556321275873715772012-05-30T10:39:13.570-04:002012-05-30T10:39:13.570-04:00I'm super impressed with your feedback, Matt, ...I'm super impressed with your feedback, Matt, and Stella's willingness to keep changing until it is just right.Tasha Seegmillerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11489911822054861132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-19366319439270499942012-05-30T09:52:27.168-04:002012-05-30T09:52:27.168-04:00nice worknice workRebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10213055916162799647noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-22389153508084113402012-05-30T09:36:09.254-04:002012-05-30T09:36:09.254-04:00I'm with Stina - I love the voice! I just nee...I'm with Stina - I love the voice! I just need more specifics to fill in the blanks.Talli Rolandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04780882465745107715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-27070580157825114752012-05-30T08:59:14.777-04:002012-05-30T08:59:14.777-04:00You are getting closer, Stella. You just need to b...You are getting closer, Stella. You just need to be less vague (as Matt and Sarah pointed out), and the query will be ready to go. Great voice! That's usually the hardest thing to capture in a query.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-11989322176175692292012-05-30T07:40:38.351-04:002012-05-30T07:40:38.351-04:00This sounds like an awesome story, and I think Mat...This sounds like an awesome story, and I think Matt's feedback is spot-on. It has some really cool lines, but it's not specific enough to allow them to have their intended effect. You as the author know what you're referring to, but I have no idea, so it's hard to picture until we get to the part about her having to teach a bunch of guys in a parallel universe to fight. In other words, the "prey" needs a face, and so does the job-offerer. You don't have to name them, but are they the same person? Are they people at all? Does the job offer just come from a voice on high? If you can clarify (concisely!) what's going on prior to that, then I think you'll have something highly intriguing here.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06636585111057799728noreply@blogger.com