tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post1501847692275728774..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Current QueryMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-63765244316233637282010-05-12T05:56:59.552-04:002010-05-12T05:56:59.552-04:00Holy crap Roland, that is really good!Holy crap Roland, that is really good!Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-85338974147120567082010-05-12T02:18:34.903-04:002010-05-12T02:18:34.903-04:00I am no expert, but I think that your critique of ...I am no expert, but I think that your critique of your query letter is pretty spot on. It's pretty amazing that you have the ability to be so objective about your own work.Missed Periodshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10343265071637032284noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-8060150520215129732010-05-12T01:09:11.237-04:002010-05-12T01:09:11.237-04:00Matthew, I have taken the liberty of writing a sam...Matthew, I have taken the liberty of writing a sample query that might help you write your own query letter :<br /><br />If you are emailing this query, you might want to do the Subject Header in this sort of fashion :<br /><br />Query for Stella Trueheart_WARRIOR MONKS_90,000 word YA fantasy.<br /><br />(This tells the agent in a quick fashion just what she is looking at.)<br /><br />Dear Ms. Trueheart :<br /><br />When is a prison not a prison? When it is run by monks. When is a problem teen not a problem? When those monks heal the bruised heart within him.<br /><br />Fifteen year old Lee Ruccio has a lousy role model. His father murdered his mother and is now in prison because of it. Lee is shipped off to Rocky Mountain Academy by his aunt and uncle after the death of his mother. To them it one step removed from a reform school. To Lee it is a path to a better way.<br /><br />As the world outside the academy disintergrates into chaos, Lee learns every known martial art plus some he never suspected even existed. He grows more centered. The world grows more shattered. Industries and mines have ignorantly set free fire elementals from their buried prisons.<br /><br />The reputation of the academy's teachers draw desperate business and world leaders to the school. And soon Lee and his newly made friends are drawn into a struggle of life and death, madness and chaos. And he finds out that sometimes the good guys lose ... unless they are very, very good at what they do.<br /><br />Thank you for your consideration. I would be happy to submit sample chapters or the full manuscript.<br /><br />Name<br />Address<br />phone number<br />blog addressRoland D. Yeomanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00338410857990551352noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-8977484189634485222010-05-12T00:34:59.535-04:002010-05-12T00:34:59.535-04:00Wow, Matt! A lot of improvement here! I can't ...Wow, Matt! A lot of improvement here! I can't wait to see what you do next.Shannonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11640509596922335617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-39255191181037850052010-05-11T17:14:15.321-04:002010-05-11T17:14:15.321-04:00Wow, this has changed so much from the previous on...Wow, this has changed so much from the previous ones. <br />Can't wait to see the feedback on it. :)Lindsayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04313619484424363895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-65123021825401390032010-05-11T16:18:23.629-04:002010-05-11T16:18:23.629-04:00I agree with all your comments. I can't wait t...I agree with all your comments. I can't wait to see what Rachele has to say. Just my two bits, but I think you could cut out the 3rd paragraph "At this strange and wonderful school..." All facinating, but I already had a feel he would be learning things along those lines, so you could keep it concise without that part.<br /><br />So brave of you! I'll def. Check back on Thurs :)MBW aka Olleymaehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06311893784715159105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-5429075463310375312010-05-11T15:09:55.747-04:002010-05-11T15:09:55.747-04:00Several people made the point about the first para...Several people made the point about the first paragraph and other long sentences. This is great advice and I have to agree. I forgot that I had changed it into one sentence for a contest. Doh!Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-3719343445270544852010-05-11T13:54:59.279-04:002010-05-11T13:54:59.279-04:00Much stronger, I agree. I think Creepy Query Girl...Much stronger, I agree. I think Creepy Query Girl and India make some good points. I thought the sentences were too long at times and could be broken up a little. That will add to the focus and strengthen the overall paragraph.<br /><br />It's looking food, Matt! :-)Shannon O'Donnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17299313309059235876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-82778969616622390502010-05-11T13:41:35.707-04:002010-05-11T13:41:35.707-04:00Hey Matthew,
This query sound great, but I agree i...Hey Matthew,<br />This query sound great, but I agree it could be tweaked a bit. I like Zoe's comment, I think the first line needs to be broken up so the hooky line really packs more of a punch.<br />The story sounds AMAZING. Keep at it!Lydia Kanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00484415427764822386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-23757523207318341342010-05-11T13:27:21.457-04:002010-05-11T13:27:21.457-04:00Think you've about got it down!Think you've about got it down!Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-58099154506144900712010-05-11T13:14:19.351-04:002010-05-11T13:14:19.351-04:00I really like the opening sentence with the 'r...I really like the opening sentence with the 'reluctant juvenile delinquent' phrase - it says a lot in three little words! I didn't see your earlier query, but I thought this one was decent. It sounds like you just need to knock down the word count - or split it into more than one book.:)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05255908019822363456noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-42748229004370606892010-05-11T12:20:33.329-04:002010-05-11T12:20:33.329-04:00You're right, this is much improved from the e...You're right, this is much improved from the early versions I saw. I agree with your assessment that it needs more voice and more conflict. <br /><br />All we really learn is that the mc learns a bunch of martial arts stuff and he and his classmates are asked to investigate outside catastrophies. <br /><br />What I want to know is, what obstacles does he face? <br /><br />Ie does Lee want to stop the bad guys, but finds out that his father is the Darth Vader of the bad guys and feels conflicted? Or, does he want to stop the bad guys, but the adults think he's too young? Is he afraid? <br /><br />Are the bad guys fighting against them in some way? Sabatoging their powers or something?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13267066733031149882noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-55853627624989046632010-05-11T11:30:02.817-04:002010-05-11T11:30:02.817-04:00I love it when you analyse queries, Matthew! I agr...I love it when you analyse queries, Matthew! I agree with what you've said. I think you have some great material there but it needs to be zingier! Can't wait to see what your critique says.Talli Rolandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04780882465745107715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-46093101235347834942010-05-11T10:59:06.164-04:002010-05-11T10:59:06.164-04:00I gotcha! Well then hurry up and finish revisions,...I gotcha! Well then hurry up and finish revisions, this sounds like a YA novel I would LOVE! :)Hannahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16915603693944523761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-45467130081646341722010-05-11T10:18:52.210-04:002010-05-11T10:18:52.210-04:00This is a lot better! I feel like I have such a b...This is a lot better! I feel like I have such a better idea of what your story is than I did with the previous queries. I'm excited to see what Rachel has to say.Emily Whitehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06478461123707071108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-50210991321445030612010-05-11T10:13:49.346-04:002010-05-11T10:13:49.346-04:00I'm glad I explained it better! I know that so...I'm glad I explained it better! I know that some people still don't understand so I do periodically try and explain that it's not me who wrote them but those who wrote the books. It's basically a cop out on Tuesdays to get away from not having to do a real tough post!<br /><br />Happy Tuesday!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03667521490706435608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-51812516094445674582010-05-11T10:07:11.552-04:002010-05-11T10:07:11.552-04:00Matthew this was great!!! It gave me an idea of wh...Matthew this was great!!! It gave me an idea of what I need to work towards when I'm done revising and ready to query. You've really grown with each letter you sent out and it was very smart not to include word count since it is really long you are still revising. <br /><br />You're well on your way and I think the tips you made for yourself are perfect, you are more of an expert than I am!<br /><br />The pieces on my blog come from the link I give you to access the story. They are just to show people other books that are great reads and I have enjoyed or would like too! It's something easy to do for my blog and I love it!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03667521490706435608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-48743009404543543072010-05-11T09:55:00.910-04:002010-05-11T09:55:00.910-04:00Hey, Matthew - well done!! Such a big difference. ...Hey, Matthew - well done!! Such a big difference. My only suggestion would be to break up that first line - and PUNCH it up! Turn up the volume so we can SEE Lee and his reluctance; get a read on him at a glance. (Oh, and I'm on Team Reluctant Delinquent. Love the phrase - please keep it!) Looking forward to seeing Rachele's crit.Zoe C. Courtmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00642503770758938774noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-55989395789065624242010-05-11T09:48:58.564-04:002010-05-11T09:48:58.564-04:00oh this so much better! You're right in that i...oh this so much better! You're right in that it still needs improvement, but all the stuff that needs to be imporved are easy fixes!<br />I also got a query crit from Rachel and she verified the areas in my query that i knew needed workSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-24431598666804048202010-05-11T09:25:07.590-04:002010-05-11T09:25:07.590-04:00You're query has evolved ten-fold. Keep up the...You're query has evolved ten-fold. Keep up the good work - your effort is definitely paying off. I'm looking forward to Rachel's comments as well :)Jaydee Morganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01069805915071090479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-53779702357283568452010-05-11T09:15:28.932-04:002010-05-11T09:15:28.932-04:00Just an FYI - I'm not currently sending out qu...Just an FYI - I'm not currently sending out queries. Just put this up because of Rachele's awesome critique.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-81169699757910550292010-05-11T09:14:01.265-04:002010-05-11T09:14:01.265-04:00This is aces :~) I think the things you picked up ...This is aces :~) I think the things you picked up on are the only things I can see. You are hard on yourself though because this is a great improvement! :~D<br /><br />It'll be interesting to hear Rachel's thoughts.Mia Haysonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01041441666482084762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-54573160093556144722010-05-11T08:58:04.587-04:002010-05-11T08:58:04.587-04:00That sounds great! But I think you should be finis...That sounds great! But I think you should be finished with revisions before sending any more. Otherwise, I think most people will think, "he's not done."Hannahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16915603693944523761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-10470676235644028292010-05-11T08:45:41.710-04:002010-05-11T08:45:41.710-04:00You are pretty damn good to have spotted your own ...You are pretty damn good to have spotted your own flaws. If you can do that, and then fix your query successfully based on your points you have definitely come a long long way.<br /><br />Yes, it'll be interesting to see what Rachel has to say, especially if they are similar to your own points. If they are - that'll be awesome!Jessica Bellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10889900730906728317noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-60720097239692947112010-05-11T08:30:06.344-04:002010-05-11T08:30:06.344-04:00I agree-you are way too hard on yourself! You'...I agree-you are way too hard on yourself! You've come so far! I'm looking forward to the critique notes!Candylandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08956196611348299424noreply@blogger.com